Dear Needy Me: It Doesn't Make You Needy, It Makes You Human

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Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever thought that you were needy for asking for what's probably the bare basics?

I mean, you're asking for someone to spend time with you.

Or to hear you when you're upset.

Or you're mad.

Or you're sad.

I Didn't Want to Bother Him

Today, I woke up early.

I was just kind of laying in bed contemplating what I was gonna do today.

Then I had a friend reach out to me.

He said morning.

And I was hesitant to respond because I didn't want to bother him.

Even though he messaged me first.

But I responded.

And then the conversation essentially died.

I ate breakfast.

And I went back to bed.

I Just Had This Urge to Be Around Somebody

Then I woke up again.

And I just had this urge to be around somebody.

But I don't have anyone to hang out with.

My friends are all busy.

They have lives out here.

And I want to go see my family again.

But there's some hesitation there.

Nothing went wrong the last time.

But I don't want to overdo it and then not have a support system to help me process it all.

So?

I just went back to bed.

I didn't wake up until like three o'clock this afternoon.

I mean, that's not a big deal.

I didn't have anything planned.

But it got me thinking.

How many times have I decided the bare basics is me being needy?

Somehow Talking Through It Makes Me Needy

If I'm having a bad day and I just want to talk to somebody about it?

And I reach out to somebody?

I instantly feel like I am trying to manipulate the situation to steal attention.

And that's not my intention.

I am legit just trying to talk through what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking.

But somehow letting somebody be a part of that is me being needy.

Taking away from their own things.

And I almost instantly stopped myself in my tracks.

When did I decide that having someone help me?

Walk me through it?

Or just be there for me?

Made me needy?

I'm Not Constantly Clingy

I could understand it if I was just constantly clingy.

Every little thing:

My God.

Help me.

But it's not like that.

At all, actually.

I generally keep things close to the vest.

So when I'm really needing it and I reach out?

It's because I can't muddle through it on my own.

And yet I instantly feel like:

My gosh.

I'm bothering these people.

They don't want to deal with this.

They don't want to hear my problems.

My gosh.

You're just so needy.

You're gonna make people run away from you because you're always wanting attention.

If My Friends Were Going Through Something, I'd Want Them to Reach Out

It's a weird idea.

Because if my friends were going through something?

The first thing I'd want them to do is reach out to me.

Hey.

I'm here.

I want to help you.

I want to listen to you.

I need to be there for you.

But I don't want to burden anybody else.

That makes me needy.

And so today?

I'm sure I spent the day in isolation because I didn't want to be needy.

So It's Just Me

I haven't reached out to anybody to hang out.

Talk.

Watch TV with.

Back at home?

I would have called a friend and had him sit on the phone with me all day today.

But he doesn't seem particularly interested in that now that I'm here.

And again?

I don't blame him.

That's just not the relationship we have at the moment.

My other friend?

On the weekends her boyfriend's off.

So I don't really hear from her because she's doing things with family.

Again.

Reasonable.

So it's just me.

My husband has his life.

My kid has his life.

I Feel Lonely, Although in My Life I'm Not Alone

I feel lonely.

Although in my life?

I'm not alone.

And I don't know how to bridge the gap between:

I'm not lonely.

I just don't know how to reach out to people and say:

Hey.

Hi.

Remember me?

Can we do something?

Anything?

I Had a Whole Plan

I had a whole plan as of last night.

I was gonna get up.

I was going to be productive.

I was gonna go to the library or to a park.

I was gonna sit and enjoy the sunshine.

It's 75 degrees outside today.

I have not stepped foot outside at all.

So much so that my insurance app's like:

So, is your app still connected?

Because you haven't driven in a while.

Right?

Stop judging me.

I just don't have anywhere to go.

Sorry.

But I wish I could understand where this concept came from.

That my wanting someone is me being needy.

I Am a Problem Solver

Tonight I talked to my friend for a bit.

I'm supposed to call him back.

And I will after I get off if he's not in bed.

And I talked to my husband.

Who's frustrated with poker right now.

And I felt like I couldn't be what he needed.

I was struggling with that because he's really angry and upset that things aren't going the way he wants them to.

And I hate that he feels that way.

But I don't know how to fix the problem.

And I am a problem solver.

If you come to me and you say:

My gosh.

This is frustrating me.

The thing that I want to do the most is stop whatever is frustrating you.

I don't want you to be upset.

Or mad.

Or sad.

And I realize that's life.

We're gonna have those big emotions.

We're gonna have those feelings.

But if I could do anything to help keep those feelings at bay for you?

Then I will.

But When I Ask for the Same Thing, I Feel Needy

And yet?

I feel like I'm being needy when I ask for somebody to do the same for me.

It's a very interesting concept that tonight I think I'm going to work on.

I have spent a lot of time sitting alone.

Keeping all the things in my head kind of in my journal.

But not talking to anybody else directly.

And I'm not proud.

I'm not even afraid.

I just would hate to be a burden to somebody.

I'd hate for someone to have to talk me through what's bothering me.

Or what's worrying me.

I Feel Like I Need a Companion

I feel like I need a companion.

But then I don't know how to ask for one.

I don't know how to say:

Hey.

I just need somebody to be there.

Just so I know I can call somebody.

Or sit silently.

Or feel something.

My Mom Actually Reached Out to Me Today

My mom actually reached out to me today.

Which kind of surprised me.

Because she never does that.

It's not a thing when I'm in Kansas.

And so she reached out to me today to see how I was doing because she hadn't heard from me.

I didn't know what to do with that.

I'm happy she did.

That's improvement in our relationship.

And I thought about getting dressed and going over.

But I also know that's how I am.

My gosh.

There's a sign of an olive branch.

Let me go drop all three things else in my life and act on it.

I'm Used to Dropping Everything That's Important to Me

I was talking to someone last night.

And I said that I have the habit of doing that.

I went to work on something.

And they were like:

"Well, if you get an invite, you could just drop what you're working on and go do it."

I'm used to dropping everything that's important to me to do what everybody else wants.

And I'm really trying to avoid that with all my might.

So I'm trying to be cautious.

But I still wanna keep people tight and close to me.

Today I Didn't Do Much

Today I didn't do much.

I hung out in bed.

I slept.

I did work on a project last night that I'm really proud of.

It's going really well.

I'm excited to put that out there.

I've been thinking more about how I want to do other projects I've got going.

I'm just kind of in-between.

And my husband told me yesterday that he'd like for me to come home.

Since, you know, I'm not working out here because my job?

I don't know what they're doing.

And I don't know what to do with that information.

Part of Me Says I Could Just Pack Up and Drive Back

Part of me says:

Well.

I'm not working.

Which is why I came out here.

I could just as easily pack up my stuff and drive back.

And then the other part of me feels like that's giving up on what I came out here to accomplish.

I don't know what to do.

I don't even know who to talk to about it.

Because again?

Everyone's busy.

Everyone's got their own lives.

And that's not a bad thing.

I'm glad they have their own lives and their own things.

I just have these things in my head.

And they are heavy.

Sometimes Avoiding It Is All I Can Do

I think I just do things to avoid thinking about them.

Which obviously doesn't make them go away.

But it doesn't allow me to get into this depressive episode where I can't climb out of it.

Sometimes avoiding it is all I can do.

And I wish that I could say things out here are going great.

They're not going bad.

They really aren't.

I'm having a great time.

I am not as miserable being in my own company as I thought I would be.

I would like to go to work.

I enjoy working.

I love working with kids.

I do miss that.

But I don't know if I'm ready to give up and pack up and run.

Maybe California Is No Longer Home to Me

I don't know if that means I don't miss my family back at home.

Or my friends back at home.

Because theoretically speaking?

They would love for me to come back.

I just don't know.

And I don't know how to process all of that.

Do I just go back?

Do I call it quits and say:

Hey.

I gave it a chance.

I came out here.

I did the things I needed to do.

And it just unfortunately didn't work out.

Maybe California is no longer home to me.

Or do I say:

Hey.

This is a hard moment.

And you'll get through it.

Because you're strong.

You're tough.

And you can do this.

I'm Still Writing That Story

I don't know.

I'm still writing that story.

I'm still editing that page day in and day out.

When I talk to you guys about how we are in a position to do that?

It's because I truly believe we're in a position to continue to write our story over and over again.

We're in a position to say:

Hey.

Today this is what this looked like.

But tomorrow?

I get to start on a whole new page.

My Character Gets to Do Something Different Tomorrow

I get to decide that today:

My character goes outside and she enjoys the sunshine.

My character writes down all her feelings.

My character hangs out with a friend.

My character goes out and makes new friends.

Today?

My page in the story looked like me just being and sitting at home.

But I wasn't upset.

It was just me relaxing.

And that's okay too.

Sometimes the story doesn't have an arc every day.

It doesn't have to.

Your story isn't about fighting demons every day.

Some Days, Even in Books, the Character Rests

Some days?

Even in books?

The character rests.

We don't talk about it in books.

We don't write about it.

It's Tuesday.

She's staying at home and she ate a bowl of cereal.

In my story?

That's a possibility.

And I love my story.

Some days I love just sitting in bed eating a bowl of cereal.

Today I had McDonald's for breakfast.

I had pizza for, I guess, lunch-dinner.

And I got to just hang.

I got new shirts.

I'm excited about that.

They're super soft.

It was a simple day.

They'll Realize I Was Just Human

Will it be in my memoir that on September 19th, 2026, Jamesha was just there?

Probably not.

But it'll be in my journal.

And somehow that feels better than it being in my everlasting story for everybody to read.

But if someone ever finds my journal?

They'll realize that I was just human.

I had basic things that I wanted and I needed.

And instead of convincing myself that I didn't deserve them?

Or that everybody was too busy to give them to me?

I just wrote the story differently.

And said:

Hey.

I could do it this way instead.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I slept.

And it was a glorious nap.

For those who know me?

Know that I put myself to sleep.

That does not mean anything bad.

I did not take drugs or anything like that.

If you know, you know.

And I woke up feeling refreshed and ready to go.

I got up.

I showered.

And I'm here.

I'm ready to do something today.

Whatever that looks like for the rest of the evening.

It's seven o'clock here.

But yeah.

My bite of pie today was just kind of recognizing that I had decisions to make.

And I don't know how they're gonna go.

But I get to make them.

I get to sit down and think about them.

And process them.

I get to rewrite that story tomorrow however I should decide to rewrite it.

So if you are contemplating if you're needy because you want to have someone hear you?

Sit with you?

Listen to you ramble on because your brain is going a mile a minute?

It doesn't make you needy.

It makes you human.

If you are in the midst of making big decisions and they seem daunting?

Scary?

You're not alone.

You're just human.

If you didn't enjoy today?

For whatever reason today was just not the way you needed it to be?

Just remember.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Territorial Me: I Am Just Me

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Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever had someone define who you are?

They decide that those are your qualities.

That's the person you are.

It's just a fact.

I hate when that happens.

I have these ideas of who I am and what it means and what it represents.

And I'm still told:

Nope.

This is who you are.

Today Was a Beautiful Day

Today?

Beautiful day.

I woke up early.

No reason whatsoever.

Just kind of chilled.

Did my interview today.

That went well.

Got up.

Got dressed.

Picked up groceries and lunch.

Lunch was amazing.

And then just kind of played around and watched TV.

Relaxing day.

The Parking Spot I Usually Inhabit Was Taken

When I went out today and came back?

The parking spot I usually inhabit was taken.

So I parked somewhere different.

During the time that I was sitting here relaxing and watching TV?

Apparently the parking spot became vacant.

And so I thought to myself when I noticed:

Hey.

I could put my car back where it was.

Then it occurred to me:

Well, I mean, going out there just to move your car doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

That's a dumb reason to do that.

But if you're gonna leave to go somewhere and you come back and it's open?

Then you can park there.

Fair enough.

I Had to Have a Slurpee

So I go out.

I go to 7-Eleven.

And I decide that I have to have a Slurpee.

I cannot remember the last time I had a Slurpee.

My favorite flavor is banana.

I don't know why.

It just is.

But I have a backup flavor.

And if my backup flavor was gonna be there?

I'd be okay.

They didn't have banana.

But they had piña colada.

So I got a Slurpee and some sodas.

And I did something nice for my husband today.

He needed a new headset.

So I got him a new headset.

"Yeah, Because You're Territorial"

Then I come back.

I'm telling my friend and I told my husband about what happened with the parking spot.

And the friend was like:

"Yeah, because you're territorial."

No.

No, I'm not.

I didn't defend my parking spot.

I didn't go out there and beat somebody up over my parking spot.

I didn't yell at them.

I didn't leave a note.

I wasn't passive aggressive.

As a matter of fact?

I just parked somewhere else.

Came inside the house.

And enjoyed the rest of my day.

"On This One, I Agree With Him"

So then I go tell my husband about that.

And my husband goes:

"Well, on this one I agree with him."

You guys both realize I'm diagnosed with OCD, right?

"Well, you've even said it before that if you go to work and your parking spot's taken, you'll just leave and go home."

Yeah.

That's not how being territorial works.

If I'm being territorial?

I fight for that spot.

I don't give that up and walk away.

Right?

How Many Times People Put Labels on Others

It just kind of reminded me of how many times people put labels on others.

And they just stick.

And how horrible of a feeling it is.

I remember when I was first diagnosed.

All I could feel was upset and sad that someone decided that I was OCD, anxious, bipolar.

Because to me?

It felt like I was being put into this box.

And it wasn't a positive box.

No one thinks:

Yeah, my gosh.

I got a mental illness.

How great is that today?

It's always got a negative connotation.

You Either Have to Prove It Wrong or Let It Eat at You

I think when people attach this negative connotation to you?

It instantly becomes this bubble in your head.

You're either having to prove it wrong—which is dumb, because you trying to prove it wrong almost proves the point—

or you just let it eat at you.

And so today?

As I'm trying to argue why I'm not territorial?

They both kept laughing and saying:

"Well, yeah, you are."

Okay.

Great.

Well, I'm so glad you two decide who I am.

Man.

Thanks.

Appreciate that.

Something Like That Can Ruin Such a Good Day

Then I think about how something like that can ruin such a good day.

Because I was having an amazing day.

It's not that my day's gone bad now.

It's just frustrating.

Because we talked about in my episode Unknown Me:

Hey.

I keep telling you who I am.

I keep showing you who I am.

And despite the fact that I keep repeating who I am?

You don't seem to know me.

It was frustrating then that you don't seem to know me.

But it's even more frustrating now that it's not even that you don't know me.

It's that you assign these things to me that I don't find fitting.

When I Hear Territorial, I Hear a Negative Connotation

When I hear territorial?

I hear a negative connotation.

Never has territorial been a good thing.

Never have I heard that.

And I don't get labeled positive attributes.

Nobody talks about those.

No one talks about how creative I can be.

How smart that I am.

How silly I can be with children.

How well I get along with children.

We don't talk about the positives.

We're just quick to name the negatives about people.

"I see you doing this. You must be bipolar."

That's actually not how bipolar works.

"My God, you like a clean office. You must be OCD."

No.

Not exactly.

Being Clean and Being OCD Are Two Different Things

Being clean and being OCD?

Two different things.

I should know.

Because I like being clean.

But then there's the incessant tick that goes along with it.

The one that says:

Hey.

My closet has to be organized by sleeveless, fabrics, and colors.

Not because I think it's fun.

But because it has to have that structure.

My foods can't touch because I don't like the idea of one food tasting like the other.

I can't eat certain things because of the sensory issues that I have.

Not because I'm picky.

Or I'm just anal.

Or whatever negative connotation someone's attached to me for the day.

Why Is It Okay for You to Label Me?

It's aggravating.

It's the same people who get upset when you're like:

"My gosh, you're just being lazy."

"Well, that upset me."

Okay.

So why does it upset you that I call you lazy?

But it's okay to call me territorial?

Why is it okay for you to label me?

But you get frustrated when I label you?

People don't make any sense.

In a Perfect World, I Would Let It Go

I know that we're supposed to just let it go in one ear and out the other.

And in a perfect world?

I would do just that.

It's not a perfect world.

Unfortunately?

I live inside there.

And inside there is a muddled mess.

I spend a lot of time wading through all the negative things that like to float around in there and gut the place.

That's probably the best way to describe what my head looks like.

Imagine walking through a mud swamp.

And you're just swinging mud.

Trying to walk your way through it.

That's like the sinking bad thoughts in my head.

So much fun.

Why Not Have You Add Another One?

So why not have you add another one?

Because bro.

Why not?

Right?

Then I have to remember that their opinion of me doesn't make me who I am.

I know that.

I do.

I understand that.

I comprehend that I get to decide who I am.

But then I have the question:

Why do I keep surrounding myself with people who want to tell me I'm something else?

Is that how it's supposed to work?

Am I supposed to wake up during the day and just be like:

Mm.

You're this.

So that's what you are for the day.

Haven't We Had Enough of That?

Haven't we had enough of that as a society?

Just kind of labeling people and deciding that's what they are?

And then it being problematic?

Do we really need to keep doing it?

I don't know.

Maybe I digress.

I just know that for whatever reason?

That bothered me probably more than it should.

And I will probably fester on it all day long for the rest of the night.

Until I find something else to distract myself.

I've got fresh fruit downstairs.

So I might use that to distract myself.

My gosh.

The best fresh fruit.

I like the fruit.

Today Was a Good Day

But again?

Today was a good day.

I was able to enjoy being.

There are things that I wanted to work on.

Probably should have worked on.

Didn't get them done.

And you know what?

That's okay.

It's Friyay.

Fri—not Friday.

The weekend's here.

So let's relax.

I wish I could say that tomorrow is laundry day.

Because we know how I am.

But I did my laundry yesterday.

I'm really getting better at that, I guess.

Not doing it on the same day.

I'm not sure how I feel about it though.

Again?

In my head?

Everything has its place and time.

And that just makes everything go smoothly.

You're not guessing when you're gonna do something.

You just know.

And Then I Found Out I Was Territorial

But my journal's late today.

Because I'm late today.

Well, at least I thought I was.

And then I found out I was territorial.

So there's that.

I am going to work on a few things this weekend.

I'm really excited.

I'm gonna work on my book.

At least I plan to.

And I am going to actually purchase some journals so that I can have people buy them directly from me.

Super excited about that.

I will let you guys know when those come in.

My Journal Isn't for Me to Sell Journals

I know I don't talk about them a lot.

I don't want this podcast to be about me selling something.

That's just not my mindset.

My journal isn't for me to sell journals.

My journal is for it to be:

This is what happens in this head on a day-to-day basis.

Sometimes it's really pretty.

Other times it's a hot mess.

Either way?

It's still me.

And that's:

You get what you get and you don't throw a fit.

I feel like that is how I got the mental issues that I have.

Because:

You get what you get.

You don't throw a fit.

You don't say no.

You don't say stop.

No, I'm Not Territorial

No.

I'm not territorial.

They can have the parking spot.

I will find a backup.

And I'll go on with my day.

And it'll be fine.

Like I did.

I will find something else to do.

I will live life.

Live, laugh, love.

I guess.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was that I actually went grocery shopping.

Because your girl's been living off of DoorDash orders.

Not that that's a bad thing.

But it's expensive.

So I went and bought my staples.

Put them in the fridge.

I'm so excited to go back to my breakfasts.

What else?

I relaxed.

I woke up early and I thought that would make me want to nap today.

And while it did?

I did nap today.

So I'm kind of proud of myself for that.

I'm excited that I got on and I did my podcast.

Some days I don't feel like doing it.

Not because I don't want to.

Just because it's easy to get complacent.

Like:

Ugh.

But I don't want to do that today.

And some days?

You gotta make yourself do it anyways.

That Doesn't Belong to Me

So if you're out there and you have someone defining who you are?

And they're wrong?

Tell them they're wrong.

No.

That doesn't belong to me.

That belongs to you.

You can keep that.

You can keep your judgment in your own fucking pocket.

I don't need it.

I reject that.

Because I don't know about you?

But I'm sick of being fucking labeled.

I am just me.

The only me I know how to be.

If I like my parking spot and I'm not beating anybody up over it?

Leave me the fuck alone.

If I like to organize my closet a certain way and it's not hurting you?

Leave me the fuck alone.

At the end of the day?

If it doesn't suit your needs but it meets mine and it's not hurting anybody?

Let's say it together.

Leave me the fuck alone.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Deliberate Me: I Have to Safeguard My Life

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever put things into place because you know it'll make you do something else?

Not a system or a checklist where you write things down and you go from box to box.

But like a safe fail.

You know that if you don't get something done, something else is gonna fail.

It just can't work.

So today?

I had to trick my mind.

Everybody Wants to Do an Interview at 10 O'Clock in the Morning

I have been waking up in the middle of the night.

Two o'clock.

Three o'clock in the morning.

And then I'm just awake for hours.

Which is fine because I'm not going to work right now.

So I watch TV.

I play on my phone.

Sometimes I talk to my husband.

Just chill.

But it never fails that as it gets closer to seven or eight o'clock?

Here I want to go back to sleep.

And so I've been laying down and going back to sleep.

But I've had interviews recently.

And for some reason?

Everybody wants to do an interview at 10 o'clock in the morning.

Okay.

So I've been setting my alarm so I can get up and get dressed.

But I also know I've been exhausted.

And in being exhausted?

The first thing I want to do when I'm done is go back to bed.

Which then makes me sleep all day long.

Which makes me awake all night long.

I Got This Wild Bug to Strip My Bed

So today I got up and was hemming and hawing about doing my interview.

And I said:

You know what?

I need to get up and do it.

I had it set in place.

We're gonna make it happen.

And then I got this wild bug to strip my bed.

Mind you?

By the time I had gotten up to get ready for my interview, it was a quarter to ten.

So I had 15 minutes to go shower, brush my teeth, and then get dressed to sit in front of a camera to do an interview.

But I'm ambitious.

So I stripped my bed.

Then I took my shower.

I got dressed.

And I sat down for my interview.

I Can't Go Back to Bed

I did the interview.

Then I was talking to a friend.

And I was just like:

Yeah, you know, I finished the interview.

I think that it went well.

Waiting for a decision.

But I'm tired.

And my friend was like:

"Well, why don't you go back to bed?"

I can't.

"Why can't you go back to bed?"

I stripped my bed.

"But why would you do that if you knew that you were tired?"

Because I knew that if I did not strip my bed to wash it today?

I was going to go back to bed and not get up.

Again, it wasn't like I couldn't have made a checklist of this is what I need to get done and this is what I want to get done.

I just knew today a checklist wouldn't have sufficed to get things done the way they needed to get done.

Then I Did My Clothes First

So not only did I strip my bed to do laundry?

Before I did my laundry for my bedding?

I did my clothes first.

Which meant I had to wait the hour it takes for my clothes to wash to get them in the dryer before I could even touch my bedding.

There are days where I literally have to safeguard my life.

Because I know that if I don't?

Things won't happen.

And for me?

That's why today is Dear Deliberate Me.

How Many Things I Do Deliberately

I was thinking just how many things I do deliberately to make my life easy.

To make my life look better.

To feel better.

For example?

We've talked about my need to feel wanted and loved.

And heaven forbid I should come right out and ask you:

Do you love me?

Do you want me?

That's too simple.

So I'm going to deliberately beat around the bush.

"You must have gotten up to talk to all those girls this morning."

"No, I got up to get ready for work. But I thought of you, so I talked to you."

Does that mean I'm special?

You must love me.

Because heaven forbid I just have the conversation.

We Do Things With Very Specific Reasons in Mind

And I think again?

That's part of mental health.

We do things with very specific reasons in mind to help us cope the best way that we can.

Now, are all of our coping skills healthy?

No.

There are some skills that we all know about that we do that make us feel better.

But aren't healthy for our cause.

Again?

We rationalize them because they are done deliberately.

They're done to solve a problem.

I Applied to Eight Jobs Yesterday and Seven Jobs Today

Me?

I've been applying to jobs like crazy.

I looked up today and I applied to eight jobs yesterday and seven jobs today.

While I'm still waiting for the one job that I technically have?

I'm waiting for my background check.

And a second job that I technically have?

I'm waiting for a background check for that one.

So then my mind goes:

You've been here since the beginning of September.

You're not bringing in any income.

You need to find a job where you can bring in income immediately.

Okay.

Cool.

Let's apply to all the places.

So I applied to eight yesterday.

And I applied to seven today.

And then I've been doing interviews.

I Had to Make a Spreadsheet, Guys

I sat down today to take a look at where I was with jobs.

I had to make a spreadsheet, guys.

I was offered six positions.

I am waiting to hear back from one place.

I have an interview tomorrow.

And I have two more jobs that want to talk to me.

And usually?

As we know?

I would say yes to everybody and then just figure it out.

Because It Makes Me Feel Wanted

I am so deliberate with applying for jobs and going to interviews because it makes me feel wanted.

Again.

We've talked about this.

It's that whole:

They selected me.

This time around?

It's twofold.

I do need the job.

I do need a paycheck.

But even as I sit here writing in my journal?

I know that I'm gonna have the hardest time choosing which one to accept and which one to walk away from.

Because how do you walk away from somebody who makes you feel wanted?

Even when it's not the right fit.

Maybe Not the Wanted That I Actually Want

How do you walk away from something when it seems to want you?

It may not want you the way that you need it.

It may not want you when you need it to want you.

But to some extent?

It wants you.

Right?

You recognize that you may be just a number at your job.

But they would recognize if you weren't there.

Wanted.

Maybe not the wanted that I actually want.

But enough that it fulfills that need.

When I Close Myself Off in the Dark, It's Deliberate

When I close myself off in the dark and I'm hiding?

It's deliberate.

I want to be alone.

I want to be able to process my feelings.

I want to be able to figure things out.

And I find in that moment the best way to do that is to shut everything and everybody out.

Does it always accomplish my goal?

No.

But it's deliberate.

When I choose to go outside and feel the rain on my skin or enjoy the breeze?

We call it a TIP skill.

It's deliberate.

The reason why it's deliberate is because it shocks your system.

What Is It Replacing?

I think so many things when working with people with mental health issues or experiencing mental health issues on your own are very deliberate.

And we don't dive deep enough into the reason why they're deliberate.

We see them and it's:

That's bad.

You shouldn't do that.

And yes.

That's correct.

But what is it replacing?

For me?

I could use Tinder just as easily.

This is healthier in my mind because, I mean, it's a job.

And they get to say no.

And if they say yes?

You know?

I get to make money off of it.

Then who needs sleep?

Or time to themselves?

Or time with their family?

That's not a necessity.

This is a healthy coping skill.

Deliberate Does Not Automatically Mean Helpful

There are things I do and things I put into place to help me cope that are healthy.

And things I do and I put into place to cope that are unhealthy.

And I think part of being deliberate is being able to sit down and be introspective about what those things look like.

Taking my bedding off my bed to wash it because I knew I wouldn't get back into bed until it was done?

Deliberate.

Great.

It worked.

I sat here.

I got stuff done.

I made my spreadsheet.

I talked to jobs.

I got applications all figured out.

It was successful.

Applying to all the jobs before letting the other ones roll in?

Okay.

Well.

Not so helpful.

Doing more interviews as I already have so many jobs lined up?

Deliberate.

Not so helpful.

They Look the Same

I have to learn how to do the things that are going to help me actually help me.

Versus the things that are going to hinder me.

When you are in a certain headspace?

They look the same.

They are so convincing that they both are there to help a need that you don't consider how damaging it is.

Again?

It's like I talked about in another episode.

We get this thing stuck in our mind that we fixate on.

And in fixating on it?

That's all we can do.

That's all we can handle.

We are set to believe that is what is going to accomplish that goal.

And as long as it accomplishes that goal?

How it happened doesn't necessarily matter.

This Was Easier

Hey.

I am married.

But if I download Tinder and the guys make me feel wanted?

That's fine.

At least I felt wanted.

I didn't do anything wrong.

I didn't sleep with anybody.

I didn't touch anybody.

I just don't feel wanted.

"Well, why don't you just talk to your husband about that?"

This was easier.

And it just felt good.

I got the dopamine hit immediately.

But is that good for your marriage?

I mean?

Well?

To me that's not so bad.

How does it affect my husband?

I don't know.

We just don't talk about it.

Right?

I imagine my spouse doesn't want me swiping through guys or guys swiping through me.

But I mean?

If it's a need?

Right?

So it's not really hurting anybody.

What Happens When You Play Too Close to the Fire?

You get burned.

And I think that's something that I have to learn how to grapple with.

Because yes.

It feels nice.

But what happens when these conversations become more than just conversations?

What happens when they become more than:

Hey.

Yay.

You swiped on me.

Because let's be real.

It can't just stop there.

I have to talk to you to figure out:

Why?

What caught your attention?

What's so intriguing about me?

Versus:

Hey.

There's something in me that says I need this outside validation.

What can I do to provide myself with that validation?

What Safe Plan Can I Put Into Action?

What safe plan can I put into action?

The way that I put into action staying out of bed today?

To facilitate me being able to take care of that emotional need for myself.

Safely.

I don't have the answer to that.

And I don't think mental health is always having the answer to everything immediately.

You guys have been with me for a couple months now.

And you know that I don't pretend to have all the answers.

That's not how journaling works.

Journal isn't a:

Hey.

I sat down.

I wrote this.

My life was perfect.

I figured it out.

I'm Supposed to Be Growing

A friend asked me the other day about why I do my format the way that I do it.

"Well, you said something today, but what if you learn that it's wrong?"

Great.

The reason why I date my journals?

The reason why it's important to me to date my journals?

Is because the hope is that the way that I'm thinking and feeling today will be different than what I learn and think tomorrow.

I'm supposed to be growing.

In growth?

Ideas change.

That's how that works.

So yes.

While today I may believe and think that downloading Tinder was a healthy choice for me?

Future me says:

Well, no.

Here's how we could have better handled that.

I Deleted That App Off My Phone

And again?

As I sit here?

I deleted that app off my phone.

I recognize that wasn't the appropriate response to have to solve that problem.

Because I'm learning.

And I'm growing.

And sometimes learning and growing takes being called out by other people.

Sometimes learning and growing means being called out by yourself.

It means that you have to be able to and be comfortable having people criticize your actions.

And I'm talking about your actions.

Not you.

It is one thing that's like:

Hey.

What you're doing?

That doesn't make sense.

Why are you doing that?

If you have trusted people in your life?

They should be able to check you that way.

Nicely.

Healthily.

I Should Be Able to Check Myself

But you should also be able to check yourself.

And today?

I'm being very deliberate with that.

I'm being very deliberate on how I choose to live my life.

So if I want to be in California?

I need to make sure that I have a job that is capable of paying my bills here and paying my bills back at home.

I can't do:

Well, as long as I pay my bills here I'll be fine.

No.

I have a family back home that's just as important.

I have to be deliberate with my time.

And where my value is.

I have to be deliberate with the decisions that I make.

What Am I Doing to Do That?

I chose to come to California.

I chose to be here with my family.

What am I doing to do that?

If I'm not making the effort to go see them?

That takes away from the reason why I'm here.

Everything's about being deliberate when you have mental health issues.

You have to plan things in order to keep afloat.

Because if we don't?

Then we get lost in all of it.

It gets really muddled for us.

My Bite of Pie

So today?

My bite of pie?

My bedding got washed.

My bed is currently made.

And when I got out of bed at 9:45?

I've not gotten back into it.

It's 6:45 right now here.

That's my bite of pie.

I recognized what my needs were.

I recognized where I was gonna fail today.

And I did something about it in a healthy way.

And I recognize it doesn't always happen.

It doesn't always look like doing things in a healthy way.

But tonight?

I did.

If you know that the skills that you're using to cope are harmful?

If you know they are dangerous for you?

If you're looking for other ways to comfort yourself?

To help yourself grow?

To acknowledge that:

Hey.

There's something inside me that connects to this for a certain reason.

But I need to work on it.

Join me.

We do this together.

This isn't just a me thing.

This is an us thing.

I would love to build a community where we can all talk and we can gather and we can work with each other to say:

Hey.

You know?

I never thought about it that way.

I never recognized that's what I'm doing.

And how I could probably do that differently.

I'd like to be that for you.

Just as you are for me.

And before I go?

I want to say for my listener who listens on Deezer?

I have noticed that you've listened since the beginning.

And I appreciate you.

And I see you.

And I don't mean to freak you out.

I just want you to know that I do see you.

And I appreciate you.

And you show up every night.

And if nobody else tells you?

I care.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Unknown Me: I’m Worth Knowing

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever experienced having people in your life who know you but don’t know you?

It’s the idea that they know of you.

They know your name.

They know you exist.

They may even say that they know things that you like and dislike.

But fundamentally?

They miss you.

I Don’t Understand How They Don’t See Me

I have been struggling the last couple of days.

I’ve talked about it.

And part of that was feeling unwanted and unloved.

I don’t have an expectation that people should automatically know what I’m feeling, what I’m thinking, what I want.

So I’m good at communicating it.

I’m good at telling you what I’m feeling.

What I’m thinking.

And what I want.

And because of the person that I am?

I am fairly consistent on telling you what I’m feeling, what I’m thinking, and what I want.

And so when I sit down to have these conversations with people, friends, family?

I feel myself getting frustrated.

Because I don’t understand how they don’t see me.

I Wanted to Feel Wanted

Perfect example.

So I said a couple days ago that I downloaded Tinder.

And in downloading Tinder?

I wanted to feel wanted.

I wanted to feel seen.

My husband knows about this.

This isn’t a surprise.

I wasn’t cheating on my husband.

Roll with me.

For me, every now and again?

I need to know I am wanted.

I get that dopamine hit in multiple ways.

Sometimes I get it from applying for jobs.

I apply for jobs.

They select me for interviews.

I go to interviews.

They select me for the job.

Dopamine hit.

They want me.

Out of all the candidates that they could have chosen?

They chose me.

Sometimes it works.

Other times I need to feel wanted for another reason.

What better way to do that than to get a dating app?

So I’ve downloaded one multiple times.

And I’ve used another multiple times.

And I get on and I watch to see if people are gonna swipe for me.

Or like me.

Or whatever they need to do on that particular app.

Because I need to feel like I’m wanted.

I need to feel like somebody sees me.

That Is How I Gauge My Self-Worth

And that is how I gauge my self-worth.

Now I recognize that that’s not how that’s supposed to work.

I recognize that it’s a very false way of validating your worth.

And despite the fact that I know that?

I still continue to do so when I get low enough.

Because it’s the quickest way to pull me back out of the dark cloud.

So the other day, when I did so?

I was telling a friend that I had done so.

And his comment was:

“Well, you’re married.”

I Am Married

I am married.

My friend recognizes this.

My husband recognizes this.

Anybody who knows me?

You guys know this.

I am married.

I do not pretend that I’m not married.

I do not pretend that I’m single and ready to mingle.

I am who I am.

Yes.

Yes, I’m married.

And it wasn’t what was said.

It was the way that it was said.

And while for him it may have been a joke?

For me, it was an attack on my character.

I Was Ready to Have the Conversation

And so I sat with it for the last couple of days.

And I’ve still had interaction with my friend.

But not in the same way that I usually have.

Because it was just kind of gnawing at me and eating at me.

And today I said:

Okay.

I’m ready to have the conversation.

And I sat down and I had the conversation.

And I feel like I had the conversation well.

It wasn’t a punishment.

It wasn’t a lash out.

It wasn’t me being angry.

It was just matter of fact.

Like:

Hey.

This is where I need things to be.

Let’s have this conversation.

And he took the conversation extremely well.

Where Did That Come From?

But even in talking to him?

I was asking:

Where did that come from?

What made you think that that was okay to come at me with?

And I said it felt like it was:

I am jealous because I want you.

And this is the easiest way to hurt you.

But as a friend?

You shouldn’t want to hurt me.

Right?

And so we talked about that.

And how that affects our friendship going forward.

You Know My Character, and Yet You Didn’t Know Me

But then it bothered me even more that as I talked to him about it?

You really thought the person that I was?

I was gonna go out and just hook up with random Joe down the street.

So I asked:

In all the years that you’ve known me, when have I ever?

And he said:

“You don’t.”

“Like, I’ve known you to get on the apps, and you and I talk about it and we joke about it.”

“And then you delete it and you go on about your life.”

Right.

You know my character.

You know who I am.

And yet you didn’t know me.

When it was easiest to know what I was going to do.

Who I was.

My track record speaks for itself.

Why Do I Have to Keep Proving Myself?

Today in processing that with him?

It occurred to me how often I feel like I have to explain myself to those I care about most.

“Well, I thought you were gonna do this.”

When have I ever done something like that?

When has my character ever shown you that’s the person that I am?

Why do I have to keep proving myself to those who say they care about me and love me most?

When you need me?

You don’t question my character.

When you want something from me?

You don’t question my character.

But the minute it doesn’t suit you?

That’s when you decide that I switch.

I’m different.

I Struggle Enough With Trusting Myself

I struggle enough with trusting myself.

Liking myself.

Even when I know I am probably the most consistent person people have met.

I got on here yesterday after bawling my eyes out.

Because Dear Journal is my thing, right?

I get on here and I write my journal.

It didn’t matter that I didn’t feel like it.

It didn’t matter that I was upset.

That I was sad.

That I was depressed.

It was something I was supposed to do.

So I did it.

I Did Them

Yesterday I had two phone interviews.

Did it matter that I was depressed or upset?

I did them.

In between doing them?

I would go back to sleep and hide.

I’d wake up.

I’d do it again.

And I’d go back to sleep and hide.

This morning?

I could not get to sleep for the life of me.

Finally got to bed at four o’clock this morning knowing I had to be up at eight.

Changed my alarm to nine.

Nine o’clock my alarm goes off.

Changed it to 9:30.

9:30 my alarm goes off.

I must have stayed in bed until like 9:45 knowing I had a ten o’clock interview.

Dragged myself out of bed.

Took a shower.

Sat down at ten.

Did my interview.

Because of Who I Am, I Got Up and Did It

I did not want to get out of bed today.

I fought with every fiber of my being to say:

I’m not doing this.

I don’t have the headspace to do it.

I don’t want to do it.

And yet?

Because of who I am and how consistent I am?

I got up and did it.

And then it was:

Well, I have an in-person interview at 12:30.

So I guess I should go to that one too.

Got dressed.

Got out of the house.

Went to it.

I Know My Mentality

I also know my mentality.

Hey.

If I go back home?

I’m gonna lay back down and I’m gonna check out.

So instead?

Let’s go get some lunch.

I’ll just pick it up and come right back.

So I go to the place I want for lunch.

And I order it.

And I said:

You know what?

Nope.

Let me sit here.

I sat there and I ate.

Because I knew what would happen.

Because I do the same thing day in and day out.

It’s who I am.

If I Say I’m Going to Do Something, I’m Gonna Do It

I cannot explain to anyone more than I already have that if I say I’m going to do something?

It’s unwritten.

I’m gonna do it.

If I tell you while we’re talking that you’ve upset me and if you say it again I’m gonna hang up?

And you say it again?

The next thing you will hear is silence.

Because I hung up.

If I tell you I am not going to do something?

You could bet your life on it.

I’m not going to do it.

If I tell you who I am?

Where’s the lack of trust in believing me?

When Someone Shows You Who They Are, Believe Them

We like to say:

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

And we use it in the most negative way.

If that person shows you that he’s a dog?

You should believe he’s a dog.

If they show you that they’re a cheater?

They’re a cheater.

If I show you that I’m consistent?

That I show up?

That I care?

That I love hard?

That I fight for what I believe in?

I’m loyal.

Why do I have to keep explaining it to you when it doesn’t fit your narrative?

I Am Me

And I feel like that was my whole life summed up.

I’ve been having to explain to my parents over and over:

No.

I’m not the daughter that you thought I was.

I’m not my sisters.

I am never going to be like my sister.

But I am me.

I will accomplish things the way that I accomplish them.

I’m not sitting around hurting.

I’m not lazy.

I just have my way of doing it.

My success looks different than my sister’s success.

We Can Be Cool, but I Am Parent First

I’ve had to explain to my children:

We can be cool.

But I am parent first.

Please know that if you’re not doing what you’re supposed to be doing?

You’re going to hear the parent from me.

And my kids will tell you:

No.

She means it.

She will joke with us.

And laugh with us.

And play with us all day long.

But let her stand on business?

We don’t want any part of it.

So my kids don’t do things so that I have to evoke this:

What did I say?

Why Is It So Hard for Adults to Comprehend It?

If your kids can tell you who you are because they know what you’re going to do?

Why is it so hard for adults to comprehend it?

My child knows that if I say no?

No’s the answer.

My child knows if I say I’m gonna talk about it?

It means we’re gonna talk about it.

My children know that if I say no instantly, I don’t have time to explain?

Do it.

Hey.

She will come back and tell us there’s a reason why she’s saying no.

Why can’t my spouse or my friends understand that?

Why can’t you see me for the me I keep giving you?

To Love Me Is to Know Me

And then they wonder why I feel unloved and unwanted.

Because to love me is to know me.

It’s to pay attention to the pattern that I’ve shown you.

Boyfriend messaged me today.

And he asked me how my day was going.

And I responded.

And I asked him how his day was going.

And he responded.

And then the conversation stopped.

I asked him what he was doing.

If he was at work.

And he answered.

And I asked him another question.

And he answered.

And then I said:

Are you okay?

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

No.

This is not how our conversations go.

Something’s Out of Pocket

We have a conversation that goes back and forth.

This is very one-sided.

This is not the same.

What’s going on?

“Well, I just got to work.”

“I’m getting ready.”

“Things started.”

“How are you doing?”

Right.

Something’s out of pocket.

I noticed it because it’s out of pocket.

I’m gonna ask you about it.

Why?

I know how you move.

We may be having all types of mental incapacities.

But we will be able to tell you:

That’s not how you do that.

That’s not how you act when you say that.

Mm.

That inflection in your voice?

I picked up on that.

That’s not what that means.

Why Can’t People Notice Us the Same Way?

Why can’t people notice us the same way?

And that’s been my struggle the last couple of days.

Hey.

I am doing the very same things that I do when I need help.

When I’m getting depressed.

When my world feels like it’s caving in.

I’m doing the very same thing when I feel like I’m being shut out.

I’m not being seen.

Just for you to tell me:

“You know, it’s just the narrative in your head.”

Sir.

You were part of the narrative in my head.

I Said This Is What I Needed

This plays out often.

Because:

Hey.

I said that this is what I needed.

This is what would help.

And your response was:

Well, I am gonna do everything but the things you said.

Just count the things I did as the things that you wanted.

Although they aren’t the same.

Mmm.

No.

It’s not how that works.

It’s never gonna be how that works.

I Deserve to Be Seen

If you want me to respect who you are and your differences and your needs and your wants?

At the very least?

I deserve that same respect.

I deserve to be seen.

I deserve to be known.

And if you aren’t going to offer that?

If you choose to not be the person who wants to know me?

There’s a door.

I can’t spend the rest of my life settling for someone who doesn’t want to know me.

Who doesn’t see me.

They see the me that they want me to be.

The person that they need me to be.

That’s a part of me.

There’s more to me than that.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie?

I got up and I did my interviews.

They went well.

I fed myself because today I didn’t want to eat.

I played devil’s advocate between my husband and our child.

I listened to both my husband and my child when they needed an ear.

I advocated for myself.

With said friend?

Set new boundaries.

I said:

Hey.

I have been consistent with you my whole entire friendship.

And you got hurt and decided you need to hurt me.

That’s not okay.

If you’re not gonna know me?

What are we friends for?

So again?

I just expect that if you’re going to say that you care?

And if you’re going to say that you love me?

If you’re going to say that you want me?

Show me.

Show me in the way that tells me you know who I am.

Does that mean I want flowers every Sunday?

No.

If you say:

“Hey, let’s go get tacos.”

My gosh.

Why do you love me so much?

If you say:

“Jamesha?”

“I was thinking about making baked potatoes tonight.”

Word?

With cheese and sour cream?

“And I even bought you black olives even though I don’t like them.”

Black olives?

If you tell me:

“Hey, let’s just sit here and watch a movie together.”

“Hey, you look like you’re getting ready to spiral.”

“I hear you saying that you don’t feel loved.”

I’m gonna randomly just pop up.

And it doesn’t mean physically.

It just simply means:

Hey.

I know you didn’t think that I would say hi to you today at this time.

But I was just thinking of you.

And I wanted to say hi.

So you were randomly thinking of me?

I was randomly thinking of you indeed.

Me?

Hmm.

I keep showing you consistency on my end.

I need to see consistency on your end to know that you know me.

Or what’s the point?

So if you are somewhere and you are feeling unknown?

If you’re feeling like the people in your life keep telling you how much they care and love you and want you?

But they don’t know who you are fundamentally?

Question it.

Sit them down and ask:

Hey.

You say that you know me.

Why does this keep happening?

Advocate for yourself.

Our mental health often takes hits when we don’t understand why people don’t see us.

Why don’t you see me?

“Well, I do see you.”

Okay.

So when I told you I felt unwanted?

What was I asking for?

“Well, I do want you.”

No.

I don’t need you to tell me.

How’d you show me?

“Well, I don’t know how to show you.”

Okay.

Well what ways have I told you to show me?

Hey.

Know me.

I’m worth knowing.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Empty Me: My Head Is Full, My Heart Is Empty

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

What do you do when your feelings are stronger than what you can handle?

Do you put on a smile and try to keep going?

Do you tell somebody?

Try to talk through it?

Do you hide in your room in hopes that it’ll just pass by eventually?

That’s been my day.

I Can’t Unhear What I Heard

I had a rough night last night.

Things were said.

And I have been struggling with them since.

I can’t unhear what I heard.

And the hit that I took from it has been very damaging.

And so last night I went to bed with the idea that I would put it all behind me.

And I’d get up this morning and I’d be better.

And that is not what happened.

This Morning When I Woke Up, I Just Felt Empty

This morning when I woke up?

I just felt empty.

Not hurt-myself empty.

Not run-away empty.

Just like I had nothing to give today.

And so I did it.

What you’re seeing is what I’ve been in all day today.

This is how dark my room has been.

I’ve been in bed.

I have been in and out of sleep.

It is the very beginning of a depressive episode.

And I’m sure people will wonder:

Well, that’s how you’re feeling.

Why are you doing your journal?

Because that’s the most important time for me to do my journal.

When I am gutted.

No, I’m Still Wearing My Bonnet

So I debated it today.

Do I get dressed up?

Do I take a shower and get pretty?

Do I get on here and act like while the day was hard for me, that I met it head-on?

No.

I’m still wearing my bonnet.

I am dressed in my PJs.

I rolled out of bed.

So my face is probably really gross.

The lights are off.

Because the lights have been off all day today.

Although it’s fairly bright outside.

I just...

Today I just can’t.

And that’s been hard.

I Got Up Just Enough to Do the Phone Call

I had two interviews today.

And so I had to figure out how to muster up the energy to do those two interviews.

They were phone interviews, so it made it a bit easier.

I got up just enough to do the phone call.

And then I’d go back to sleep.

And then I got up and did the next phone call.

And I went back to sleep.

I am not typically a Do Not Disturb girly.

I don’t like putting my phone on Do Not Disturb in the event that one of my kiddos or my family members need me.

Today?

My phone has been on Do Not Disturb all day today.

I just don’t want to be bothered.

But when I’ve seen that people have messaged me or called me?

I’ve reached back out.

I have to give the illusion that I’m okay.

Let’s Go Shopping

So I had gone through my bag of tricks of making myself feel better.

I started off with:

Let’s go shopping.

And that wasn’t giving me the hit that I needed.

So I abandoned my cart.

And then I said:

Let’s download Tinder.

That’ll make me feel wanted.

And I downloaded it.

And I signed up for it.

And did all the work there.

And that didn’t do the trick.

So I deleted that.

Again, I wasn’t looking to go out with anybody or meet up with anybody.

I just needed the hit of:

Someone swiped for me.

But I deleted it.

And then I went to bed.

I Tried Remembering What It Felt Like When I Felt Most Loved

And then this morning I tried remembering what it felt like when I felt most loved.

And that seemed to work.

I was able to relax.

And my muscles released.

And I laid down.

And I went to a peaceful sleep.

Which I really needed.

The issue with that?

That always leaves me wanting more.

So I woke up from my nap.

And I saw that my husband had called me.

And I returned his phone call.

And he asked me what was wrong.

And at the moment?

Nothing was wrong.

I was just waking up.

I Just Really Felt Unwanted and Unloved

I was telling him how I felt.

And what was going on inside my head and my heart.

And I told him that I downloaded Tinder.

But that I deleted it.

And that was kind of that conversation.

Again, I didn’t do anything with it.

So there wasn’t much more to say about it.

And then I was explaining why I did it.

That I felt upset.

And I felt sad.

And that was my mindset.

That was what I was struggling with.

And I was telling him that I just really felt unwanted and unloved.

And he listened.

And he asked if there was anything he could do.

And I said:

Well, it’s part of the reason why I feel the way that I feel.

Your Feelings Sometimes Are Based Off a Narrative in Your Mind That’s Not Real

And he asked why.

And so I started naming reasons of the things that made me feel that way.

And he started to say something.

And then he froze.

And switched up what he was saying.

And I caught it.

If you struggle with mental health?

You know that we catch all the nuances.

And I said:

“That didn’t sound very genuine.”

“You wanted to say something different.”

And he said that he didn’t want to go back and forth arguing with me about what I felt because my feelings are my feelings.

And I said:

“Well, are you saying that you don’t always agree with my feelings?”

And he said:

“No.”

“Your feelings sometimes are based off a narrative in your mind that’s not real.”

It Feels Real

Narrative in my mind that’s not real.

It feels real.

It hurts like it’s real.

It stings like it’s real.

But that’s his synopsis of what I’m doing.

And I said:

Okay.

And I didn’t get upset.

And I didn’t get mad.

I just listened.

And then the conversation kind of died there.

We didn’t really say anything else.

We just kind of sat on the phone.

I Was Looking for a Dopamine Hit

And unbeknownst to him?

I was looking for a dopamine hit.

So I was reaching back into that bag of tricks that would make me feel better.

And the one that always does?

The one that always does was the one that I chose.

And it’s the one where I feel safe.

Where I feel like me.

I feel loved.

I feel like I don’t have to put a show on for anybody.

I felt like I was just accepted for the person that I am.

There aren’t many times that I felt that way.

But in this particular case?

That’s all I felt.

And so I started to imagine that particular time where I felt that way.

And I was able to relax and calm down.

That’s Sad in and of Itself, Right?

But that’s sad in and of itself, right?

That my need of peace comes from people or things not involved in my life anymore.

And that’s not an insult to anybody that I interact with or who’s currently in my life.

It’s just that I don’t...

I don’t receive the thing that I received from that situation.

That situation made me feel whole.

I don’t know how else to explain it.

It just...

There was something about that situation that killed me inside.

And it’s been hard to find or recreate since then.

My Head Was Full, My Heart Is Empty

And so today I’ve just been struggling.

I’ve spent most of the day buried under my blankets.

Curled up with my stuffed animals.

Sleeping.

And despite the fact that my head has hurt?

My heart has hurt even more.

I think I described it this morning as:

My head was full.

My heart is empty.

My heart is empty.

I have kept it together for most of the day.

Up until this last little part where I’m sitting on the phone with my husband and I’m bawling.

But he doesn’t know that I’m bawling.

Or if he does know?

He doesn’t acknowledge it.

And I’m just crying my eyes out.

Because I just feel...

What I feel.

I Don’t Feel Wanted

In my mind?

My feelings are justified.

I don’t feel wanted.

I don’t feel loved.

I don’t feel needed.

I feel like I could pack up and go away and nobody would notice.

And while that may not be true to others?

It doesn’t change the way that I’m feeling.

And so today I am trying to work through all those feelings by myself.

And it’s hard.

Because I don’t know what to do with those feelings.

I don’t know how to quiet that storm other than to go back to a time where I didn’t feel that way.

Chapters Are Closed for a Reason

But going back to a time where I didn’t feel that way just makes me long more for that particular time period.

And then that’s when we get into the danger zone of me searching for things that I should probably not be searching for.

Not negative things.

Not bad things.

It’s just...

Chapters are closed for a reason.

And to reopen some of those chapters could be potentially painful.

And at this moment?

The risk of the pain seems worth it because of how I’m feeling now.

How Often Do You Tell Yourself That the Risk Is Worth the Reward?

How often do you tell yourself that the risk is worth the reward?

Because I feel like I do that often when I’m in this state of mind.

I feel like when I’m in an episode of depression?

I can justify all the negative things that I want to do.

I can convince myself why it’s okay to do them.

Even though I know that I shouldn’t.

And today?

I’ve done really well.

I didn’t do any of the things that I wanted to do.

I have, again, shut off my phone.

Which has made it pretty easy.

I have quarantined myself into my room.

Only leaving when I have to go to the bathroom.

And the one time I decided to eat today.

Because again?

Mental health is hard.

Some Days Are Hard

So I did make myself eat today.

Although eating wasn’t what I wanted to do.

Some days are hard.

And people don’t understand that.

They don’t understand how someone could be where they were yesterday.

Which is...

Yesterday I wasn’t in a good spot.

And we acknowledged that.

I wasn’t happy.

I was upset.

I was trying my hardest to not let it bring me down.

I made sure to keep myself out of the headspace that would put me in this position where I’m sitting in a room in the dark, not wanting to deal with anybody.

And yesterday?

I fought that battle.

And I won.

I don’t always win.

That’s Not How This Works

It’s not something that always works.

And so in doing my journal today?

I wanted to be as authentic and honest as possible.

It would be so easy for me to go get dressed.

And do my hair.

And sit here and talk about:

Well, earlier I had a bad day.

But look at me bounce back now.

That’s not how this works.

That’s not mental health.

Mental health is smiling while crying and breaking down.

It’s fighting to be seen and stay alive.

It’s trying to silence the voices in your head against the voices of the outside world.

Is He Wrong? I Don’t Know.

Is he wrong?

I don’t know.

Maybe the narrative of my head is different.

I don’t know if it’s necessarily the narrative or the perspective.

But whatever it is?

It’s there.

It’s going to be the reason why my actions are my actions.

So regardless of whether the narrative isn’t true to him or not?

I’m going to move accordingly.

Because that’s how I see it.

And that’s how I feel.

I Needed to Feel Attractive or Wanted

So again?

For me that looked like downloading a dating app.

Not to date somebody.

But to feel...

To feel like I’m attractive or wanted.

That is talking to people that I probably shouldn’t talk to the way that I do.

And I acknowledge that.

And that was a huge component of last night’s and today’s mental toil.

I got my ass handed to me last night.

And I’m trying to figure out how to navigate it in a way that it makes sense.

And it’s hard.

I’m Going to Have to Set Some Different Boundaries

Because I recognize that means I’m going to have to set some different boundaries.

And stick with them.

And I’m going to have to look inside to find what I’m missing and needing.

And then figure out how to fix that issue.

As if it’s an issue I can just fix.

Again?

Not how that happens.

I wish I could just say:

Here’s the issue.

Let me put a Band-Aid on it.

Or let me stretch it out.

Let me exercise this muscle.

Unfortunately?

That’s not how my mental health works.

It may take a lot longer to wade through what I’m feeling and what I’m thinking than I want to.

And that’s okay.

I’m Still Functioning

I’m still functioning.

Tomorrow, despite the fact that I’ve been locked in a cave all day today?

I still managed to do my two interviews.

And get two more interviews.

Follow-up interviews from those two jobs.

So I’m doing something, right?

I am regretting my decision to schedule them tomorrow.

Because right now all I want to do is hide.

And that means tomorrow I have to go up into the bright unknown.

But I probably need it.

And I can recognize that I need it.

Although everything in me wants to cancel the interviews and reschedule them?

I’m not going to.

Hiding in My Room Is Okay

I’m going to acknowledge today that hiding in my room is okay.

That there are going to be days where life is hard.

And it’s a setback.

And there are going to be times where I question friendships.

And relationships.

And the most important connection with myself.

Not everything is going to always be:

Hey.

This should be perfect because I said so.

Was moving to California the best thing for me so far?

Yes.

Is it forcing me to look inside at things that I don’t like?

Yes.

Is it hard?

Yes.

Is it necessary?

Yes.

I Have Nothing but My Thoughts

So as I learn and grow?

Being in a room...

I shouldn’t say stuck.

I could leave.

I just choose not to.

Where I have nothing but my thoughts as I wait for work to start?

Not knowing when it’s going to start?

I have just given myself the perfect opportunity to dive into any doubts or fears I have about myself.

And today?

That came to fruition.

Today Is a Bad Day

I am proud of myself that I’ve gone this long without it being to this point.

That’s a big deal for me.

Because I could have easily spiraled earlier.

The minute I found out that my job wasn’t gonna start.

Like, there’s so many things that could stress me out.

And worry me.

And trigger episodes.

And it didn’t happen.

I’ve been really tough.

I’ve been really strong.

I’ve persevered.

I have to remember that today is a bad day.

I’m going to have good and bad days.

It does not mean that everything is going bad.

There’s a huge difference in between those two.

And sometimes I have to constantly remind myself that there is a difference between having a bad day and things going bad.

My Bite of Pie

So my bite of pie today was recognizing that I needed the extra care.

It was recognizing that I needed to take the day to take care of me and my mental health.

While yes, my plan was to get up and go to the gym and do all the things?

I think it would have been worse for me to force myself to do those things than it would be for me to say:

Hey.

Let’s take a minute.

Let’s process all the things.

And then tomorrow?

We’ll try again.

Because I know that if I had forced myself to do today?

I would have ended up in my room a lot longer.

So my bite of pie is:

I took care of me.

And it may not be in the way that everybody thought I should.

And it may not look like everybody’s version of taking care of themselves.

And that’s okay.

My version doesn’t have to look like their version.

My version doesn’t have to make sense to them.

Sometimes?

It’s just this.

It’s me in a room dealing with all the things that I think that I’m dealing with.

Writing it out.

Talking it out.

I’m sure that at some point I will call a friend and say:

“Hey, this is what’s happening.”

“I need to bounce my ideas off somebody.”

And they’ll be there to listen.

And that’ll help.

But at this moment?

What I needed most was to be with me.

And I chose to do that.

So if you’re out there and you’re watching this dark and gloomy video where you can barely see me?

I apologize.

I wanted to be authentic in the sense that I wasn’t just...

This is me.

This is how some of my days look.

I hope that you are doing what is necessary for you.

I hope that if you recognize that you’re struggling?

And that if you’re needing to take the time to process your feelings and your thoughts?

That it’s okay.

Every day does not have to look perfect.

We don’t have to get up every day smiling in the hopes that everything needs to look like we’re coping.

We don’t cope every day.

That’s not how every day works.

So if you’re struggling today?

Give yourself a break.

Give yourself the time to feel the things that you’re feeling.

Figure out why or where they’re coming from.

Just because your feelings don’t match somebody else’s narrative?

Doesn’t make them untrue.

It doesn’t make them less painful.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Crestfallen Me: I Chose B

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever had what you perceive to be a day go bad?

Everything was going right.

And then one thing happened.

And all of a sudden you feel like your day’s ruined.

I am so good at that happening.

It’s a Good Day

I went to bed at a decent time last night.

I woke up.

Ate a donut.

Had some coffee.

Went back to bed.

Woke up again.

And was just like:

It’s a good day.

I’ve got to go to the gym.

I’m going to get outside of the house.

And I did.

I went for breakfast.

And I sat inside and ate by myself.

And then I went to the gym.

And I exercised for a little while.

Eased back into it because I know that I’ve been feeling sick lately.

And then while I was there, my bestie called me.

And I talked to her for a while.

And then I went to the grocery store.

One of my favorite grocery stores.

And got my favorite deli sandwich.

And some sushi.

And some fruit.

Smiling.

Laughing.

Playing.

Singing.

Post-Workout Means She Was Starving

Drove back home.

I scarfed down my food because post-workout means she was starving.

She also shouldn’t go to the grocery store.

She spends more money than she needs to.

But she went.

And she ate.

And then she did her interview.

And that went exceptionally well.

She’s being scheduled for a second interview.

And then she got a call back for another job.

So now she has two interviews.

So now I have two.

I know.

I’m talking about myself in third person.

So now I have two interviews tomorrow.

So it’s gonna be exciting.

It’s been a good day.

And Then There Were a Few Things That Left Me Feeling Off

And then there’s been a few things that just kind of left me feeling off.

So I got a text message that I wasn’t very happy about.

Two, actually.

I tried to take care of both.

I think both of them are still very much in limbo.

There’s not really much I can do about it.

So I just kind of have to ride the waves.

And then I talked to my husband today.

And told him that I was hurt.

Because last night I called him.

And he sent me straight to voicemail.

And for some reason?

I just felt rejected.

In That Moment, I Felt Rejected

He sent me a message telling me that he was on the phone with his kid.

And that doesn’t bother me.

Like, I understand he was on the phone for whatever reason.

In that moment?

I felt rejected.

And it hurt.

It stung a little bit.

And I kind of just put it out of my head.

And continued on with my night.

I went to bed.

And then this morning when I checked my phone?

I realized he never called me back.

He never called to check on me to see why I was calling.

Or asked me what it was about.

There was no curiosity about it.

So that kind of sucked.

You Make Time for the Things That Are Important to You

I kind of brushed that off to the best of my ability today.

And then I’ve been feeling the same stickiness with Boyfriend.

Because I’ve been here for a while.

And I haven’t really seen him.

And obviously he’s got a life to live.

And he’s busy.

And I’ve got a life to live.

And I’m busy.

But I am an advocate and a fan of:

You make time for the things that are important to you.

And that has been one of my strongest issues and concerns in relationships.

Everybody is always busy.

Everybody’s always got something to do.

And that is the crux of why they can’t give you anything.

I’m Feeling Just Rejected Overall

And so that was a big thing with my husband.

You know, he’s starting a business.

He’s doing things.

He’s tired.

And that was what the foundation was cracking under with him.

And then I get out here.

And Boyfriend has been telling me:

Come out.

Come out.

Come out.

Come out.

Come out.

And I’m out here.

And it’s:

“When I have the time.”

“When I make the time.”

“When I have the time.”

And so I’m feeling just rejected overall.

I think those two things happening back to back from two people that I obviously really care about?

It was just kind of a sting to me.

Something Deflated

And so I was sitting here.

And I was dancing.

And I was playing.

And I was on with another friend.

And he could tell that something, like, deflated.

Because he was like:

“What’s wrong?”

And it wasn’t that something had actually happened to say that something went wrong.

It just was, again, I’m having this conversation.

And I told myself:

Don’t ask about it.

Don’t reach out and say:

“Hey, what are you doing?”

Because while in normal worlds that makes sense?

I just feel like it makes me really needy.

It makes me really insecure to ask.

And I should just leave it alone.

If he wants to spend time with me, he’ll make that happen.

And if not?

Well then obviously it won’t happen.

I Would Like to Be a Part of Your Busy

But today I was like:

I’m in a really great mood.

I’m just gonna see.

Like:

“Hey, when are we gonna hang out?”

“Like, bruh, I’d like to hang out with you.”

And the way that I said it was in my little, what I consider my little cutesy way of saying it.

And was like:

“Hey, I recognize you’re busy.”

“You’re busy with work.”

“You’re busy with sports.”

“I would like to be a part of your busy.”

“What does that mean?”

“What do you mean part of busy?”

And I said:

“Well, I’d like to be one of the reasons why you’re busy.”

When he has time?

He said absolutely.

That’s Not How I Internalized It

And while that is the correct answer?

Obviously that means he’ll spend time with me when he can.

That’s not how I internalized it.

I internalized it as:

He doesn’t have time for me.

He doesn’t want to make time for me.

I’m not that important.

And I should stop asking.

And so I apologized for asking.

And said that I wouldn’t ask in the future.

It’s really interesting to see the pathways my brain takes when I hear something I don’t like.

Because I recognize that they’re not typical reactions.

I don’t want to say normal because it is my reaction.

So it’s normal to some extent.

But it’s not a typical reaction.

Most people don’t go from A to Z.

I’m not most people.

I Hear That You’re Busy and Internalize That I’m Not Important

I hear that you’re busy and internalize it as:

I’m not important.

I hear that you don’t like something and internalize that as:

You don’t like me.

And sometimes it looks like me having to sit here and undo the conversation that I’m feeling versus the conversation that I’m hearing.

And so in this moment?

I was sitting here and I was kind of flustered with myself.

And trying to distract myself.

And I said:

I want to buy something.

Because I can’t be sad from shopping.

I Was Looking for This Dopamine Hit That I Had Just Lost

And it’s not so much that I’m using retail therapy.

I’ve had some stuff in my cart that I’ve been meaning to buy.

I need to go ahead and take care of it.

But I also recognized that part of the reason why I was doing that was because I was looking for this dopamine hit that I had just lost.

And that’s not the correct way of going about it.

So instead of doing the shopping?

Instead of moping?

I went to my journal.

And I wish that I would do that more often.

When the Emotions Get Too Big or Too Sticky, That’s When I Tap Out

I wish that in the times that I’m feeling upset or stressed or disappointed, that I would take the time to pull out my journal and write.

And I think that has always been where journaling has failed me.

Because I can sit down for so long and do that.

I can write about what’s going on in my world.

When the emotions get too big or too sticky?

That’s when I tap out.

Because to acknowledge those feelings feels heavy.

And I’m proud that today I didn’t do that.

Today I said:

You know what?

It’s a great time to work my journal.

I am feeling some kind of way.

I recognize that it’s earlier than I usually do.

Sometimes It’s the Middle of the Day and I Have These Feelings

But I want to be the example for you guys that sometimes it’s not about getting into bed at the end of the night and writing in your journals.

Sometimes it’s:

It’s the middle of the day.

And I have these feelings.

And if I don’t get them out?

If I don’t process them right away?

I’m going to cause myself to have bigger issues.

I don’t want to have bigger issues.

The goal is to work with myself.

I can’t do that if my mind is currently in crisis.

And while the crisis doesn’t seem big to anybody else?

The idea of feeling unwanted or unloved is huge.

The Weight That It Pushes Down on You Is Suffocating

Even when you recognize that it’s not true?

The weight that it pushes down on you is suffocating.

And I just...

I didn’t want to continue the same path that I usually go on.

Which is:

Well, the day’s over for me.

I’m just gonna lay down.

Go to bed.

And call it a day.

Because that’s what my thoughts were.

My thoughts were:

I’ll just go to bed.

And the day will be over.

It’s four o’clock here in California.

And I wanna draw my curtains and go to bed.

I Know Why I Want to Go to Bed

And I know that’s not because it’s not a gorgeous day outside and there’s nothing to do.

It’s because I get so deep into my head and so sad about everything that that is the easiest thing for me to do.

We talked about this a couple of days ago.

If I were to follow my mood?

I would change into my PJs.

Climb into my bed at 4:18 in the afternoon.

And be done for the day.

I refuse to let myself get out of this chair.

Because I know that getting out of this chair means I’m going to put myself to bed.

I’m forcing myself to sit here and write in my journal.

And to do some work that I need to do.

Rather than saying:

Okay.

Let’s just wrap up the day.

It’s Not That I’m Not Feeling My Feelings

And it’s not that I’m not feeling my feelings.

We talk about that often.

You get the chance to feel your feelings.

You get the chance to process what’s going on.

And you’re supposed to take that chance.

Do that.

Always do that.

But also acknowledging when that goes too far.

And today, for me?

If I let myself wallow in it—which is what my plan was to do—to get into bed and lay down and just be done with the day and shut everybody out?

I was gonna prolong the negativity that I felt.

Versus:

Let me get it out in a healthy way.

Let me write it down.

Let me process it.

So that I can stop it.

Or I can work on it.

Am I Still Sad? Yeah.

So am I still sad?

Yeah.

Do I still feel unwanted?

Yeah.

Am I gonna lay in bed and cry about it?

Not now.

I’m going to get all those thoughts out in my journal.

I’m going to explain to me why one thing doesn’t mean the other.

Why it’s okay to be rejected in one way and it not determine my whole worth.

Because that’s really what it is.

Someone Not Having Time for You Today Doesn’t Mean That You’re Worthless

Hey.

Someone not having time for you today doesn’t mean that you’re worthless.

Someone not having time for you in this moment of life doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you.

Yes.

When people care, they make the time for you.

I’ve been here for a week and a half.

Maybe.

I can’t expect everybody to drop and change their lives because I’m here.

I can’t have this expectation that:

Well, if I really meant something, you’d make the time.

As if their lives weren’t already planned before I decided to take a job here and drive out here.

I made decisions for my life.

They’ve made decisions for their lives.

They still have to live with what they’re doing.

With the decisions that they’ve made.

I Can’t Take It Personally Because It’s Not Going the Way I Planned It in My Head

I can’t take it personally because it’s not going the way that I’ve planned it in my head.

And that’s what I do.

I have a tendency to say:

Hey.

This is what I thought it would be like in my head.

Why isn’t it going this way?

My husband has accused me of that many a times.

Hey.

This is what I had planned for the day.

But I know the planning you had for yourself in your head is going to be drastically different.

And it’s going to change.

And you’re going to expect everybody to change with it.

But you’re not gonna tell people what your expectation is.

But I’ll be the first person that’s disappointed when it’s not met.

That’s Life With Mental Health

That’s life.

That’s life with mental health.

It is:

Yes.

We have these expectations.

And we have these needs.

And we have these wants.

And at the end of the day?

We’d love for everything to stack up the way that we want it to.

We don’t always know how to convey that.

We don’t always know how to explain that.

We just know that when it hits us in the way that we don’t want it to?

That’s when it’s more obvious how we’re feeling.

I may not be able to convey to you:

Hey.

I’m not seeing it the way that you’re seeing it.

I’m not hearing it the way that you’re hearing it.

But the day I lay down in bed?

And I don’t wanna get up?

And I don’t wanna eat?

Or the only thing I can eat is a bowl of cereal?

Is when you notice.

I Don’t Wanna Only Be Noticed When I’m in a Crisis

I don’t wanna only be noticed when I’m in a crisis.

I don’t wanna only be noticed when I’ve hit rock bottom and I can’t go anywhere else.

But I can’t blame that on somebody else if I’m not willing to speak up when I need the help.

So today?

Instead of shutting down and climbing into my bed?

I’m saying:

Nope.

I’m gonna do something about it.

And I did.

I opened my journal.

And I’m talking about it.

I’m not hiding it.

I’m not drowning in it.

I’m doing the right thing.

I’m processing it.

We Would Call This Self-Care

We would call this self-care.

If I had my own bathroom?

I’d be in a bathtub right now.

That sounds amazing.

Maybe I’ll take myself to a hot tub later.

But the point is:

When you know that things are headed in a direction that are going to negatively affect you?

That are going to set upon you?

And you have the option to do something about it?

Do something about it.

Don’t let it get too far.

We’re Not Gonna Just Climb Into Bed and Rot

When I notice the signs of me swirling into a depressive mode?

When I notice that I’m getting ready to lock myself into a room and give up?

I need to do something different.

We don’t always recognize it.

We don’t always see it.

We won’t always recognize it or see it.

It’s impossible.

But the times that we do?

We are responsible for changing it.

So I saw where it was going.

I saw how I was impacted by it.

I felt the heaviness in my chest.

And I said:

No.

We’re not gonna do that.

We’re not gonna just climb into bed and rot.

We’re not gonna just ignore everybody and everything because we’re feeling that way.

And so I came here.

To you.

And wrote my journal.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I went to the gym.

I wasn’t there for long.

And I felt like I should say that.

So I went to the gym.

I was there for maybe 23 minutes.

It was my first time being at this particular gym.

Like, not the company.

But this facility.

And I was a little nervous about going in because I have no idea what I’m doing.

So I walk in.

I scan in.

I get on a treadmill.

And I just walk.

And at first I was embarrassed because I was going super slow.

And I’m not moving the way everybody else does.

And I’m not sweating.

And it’s like:

You just got done being sick.

It’s okay to ease back into it.

So I did 22 and a half minutes on the treadmill.

Incline.

No incline.

Speed.

No speed.

Taking it easy.

When that was done?

I walked around the gym to see what was what and where.

And then I left.

My Gosh, You Did That?

And originally I was going to kick myself for it.

Because:

My gosh.

That’s all you could do?

But instead of:

My gosh, that’s all you could do?

I said:

My gosh.

You did that?

Because the inflection of each of those statements depends on how it’s gonna come across to me.

I did that.

I got up today.

And I went.

The first of many days I’m gonna get up.

I’m gonna go.

And I’m gonna do it.

Because that’s the life I’m choosing to build for myself.

Build Your Life Brick by Brick

If you could build your TikTok and your Instagram and your Facebook brick by brick?

Build your life that way.

Lay down a foundation.

And decide:

Hey.

This is the foundation that I’d like to stand on.

And today for me?

That was going to the gym.

It was getting healthy foods to eat.

I have been DoorDashing like crazy since I’ve been here.

Because I haven’t wanted to leave my house.

And so I think this idea of:

Nope.

You’re getting up.

And you’re going to the gym.

And then you get to go reward yourself with something yummy to eat.

Is going to make a huge difference.

I had a nice sandwich.

I had some California rolls.

And I just enjoyed it.

It Means Doing the Things That Are Usually Difficult for Me to Do

And I think if I’m going to change my mindset?

If I’m going to change my mental health?

It means doing the things that are usually difficult for me to do.

It means recognizing the signs.

And saying not to give in to them.

It’s giving myself that self-care when I know that I need it the most.

I have to be my own biggest cheerleader.

I can’t expect him to pick me up just because I’m feeling down today.

It’s not his responsibility.

It’s my responsibility to take care of me.

I Want You Around Because You Enjoy Your Time With Me

Yes.

I’m sure if I told him what was going on, he’d be more apt to be like:

“My gosh, what do you need?”

I don’t want him to spend time with me for that.

I want him to spend time with me because he chooses to want to hang out with me.

Same goes for him.

And my husband.

And my friends.

I don’t want you around me because you pity me.

And you feel like you have to take care of me.

I want you around because you enjoy your time with me.

And the first step of having you enjoy your time with me is me being able to self-regulate.

Self-soothe.

And recognize when things are going south.

Today I Worked on That

So today?

I worked on that.

And I’m proud of myself.

Because even as I’ve had this conversation?

The feeling has lifted.

When I first started writing in my journal today?

I felt heavy.

Sad.

Disappointed.

And while those feelings haven’t gone away?

I also now feel proud of myself for doing what I needed to do.

I’m happy that in a chance where I got to choose where I wanted to go:

Do I want to choose A?

And go lay down and give up?

Or B?

Do something about it?

I chose B.

I Don’t Always Choose B, but Today I Did

I don’t always choose B.

But today I did.

And I’m hoping that wherever you are, when you are met with the same choices:

Do I go and hide from the issue?

Or do I take the issue head-on and say:

Yeah.

I see why you’re feeling this way.

I see why it’s coming across this way.

I’m not gonna linger on it.

I’m going to get it out.

I’m gonna write it out.

I’m going to process it.

And then I’m gonna say:

Okay.

I’ve done the parts that I can do.

Let’s do something different.

I want that for you.

I want that for you the way that I want that for me.

I want us to be able to work through the moments.

And not get stuck in the moments.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Stubborn Me: Sometimes I’m Just Wrong

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever been so set in your ways, even when you know you’re wrong, but won’t back down?

It’s as if if you were to back down or relent, you’d be doing a disservice to yourself.

You’d have to admit you were wrong.

That is me in a nutshell.

I don’t like being wrong.

So instead?

I’m just stubborn.

I just double down.

I Probably Should Go to the Doctor

Today, there have been things that I needed to take care of.

Wanted to take care of.

No.

At first it started off because I was sick.

So I took some meds last night.

And they interacted with each other really badly to the point where I knocked out.

And I was just groggy all morning.

So I told myself that I needed to sleep some more because I couldn’t function.

And then my chest started to hurt.

And it was like the idea of squeezing a fist was what my chest felt like.

Like something heavy was just sitting on it.

Logically?

I probably should go to the doctor and get it checked out.

No.

I said I would sleep it off.

Maybe Dizzy Isn’t the Right Word

So I messaged a friend and said:

“Hey, I’m gonna go to sleep.”

“I’m not feeling well.”

“If you don’t hear from me though, give me a call.”

I was sound asleep when he called.

But I’m still alive.

So then I get up.

And I decide to get dressed and take my shower.

And my thought is:

Okay.

You get up.

You go to the gym.

It’s a great beautiful day outside.

You can go for a walk.

There’s a plethora of things you can do today to be up and aware.

And then I took a shower.

And I felt dizzy.

But maybe dizzy isn’t the right word.

I felt jittery.

Jittery’s better.

And I was trying to figure out why I felt so off.

Apparently, when you only eat donuts and a breakfast burrito yesterday and donuts this morning?

That leads to you not feeling very well.

Common sense, right?

I Have Had No Energy Whatsoever

And so I’ve just been dragging all day today.

I have had no energy whatsoever to do any of the things I need to do.

But I got dressed.

And I said:

Fine.

I will sit in front of my computer.

I will see if I can do some work there.

I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished not one thing today.

And as much as I keep telling myself:

Hey.

The best way to get to feel better is to lay down and rest.

No.

I say:

I’ve got stuff to do.

I need to do it.

I’m Still Doing the Opposite

I have come on here and advocated so many times to listen to your body when your body says stop.

To take that break.

Get the rest that you needed.

And I’m still doing the opposite.

When I tell you guys that I practice what I preach, it’s because I know how difficult it is to practice what I preach.

There are days where I’m just:

Yes.

I need to lay down and rest.

But today it feels like:

Well, that’s all you’ve done in the last couple of days.

You need to be productive.

You have stuff you need to do.

You have things you need to figure out.

Am I really figuring anything out?

No.

My head’s super foggy.

Everything feels delayed.

I’m literally just sitting here zoning out.

In My Head I’ve Done Some Writing

I wanted to do some writing.

And in my head?

I’ve done some writing.

Not actually putting anything on paper.

Documenting any other stuff that I’ve done.

I am planning for the gym tomorrow.

I feel like I’ve been ran over by a truck.

But I’ve decided I’m going to the gym tomorrow.

Because why not?

But when I was feeling healthy?

You couldn’t catch me at the gym.

It’s almost as if I felt this need to torture myself.

And not in, like, a hurt-for-harm way.

But in a way that says:

Hey.

You’re expected to do all the things all the time.

You don’t get a sick day.

You don’t get an off day.

You Must Carry That Load

And I’m so set in that way of thinking that:

No.

You must take care of it all the time.

You must carry that load and that weight.

And never give yourself a break.

I don’t even have anything to do out here.

I’m not working yet.

My job hasn’t started.

I don’t have any laundry to do because I did that all last week.

I can’t go grocery shopping because my fridge is full.

I don’t have anywhere to go.

Or to be.

And yet?

I still have put so much pressure on myself to do things I don’t have to do.

I’m so set in the mindset that I have to be constantly moving.

I don’t know how to relax and enjoy my time.

No, That Sounds Reasonable, So I Can’t Do That

Reading is one of my pastimes.

I absolutely enjoy reading.

I can’t remember when I sat down and read a whole book.

I’m currently in the process of listening to a book that I really like.

That I haven’t finished.

What better way than to go for a walk?

Get some fresh sunshine.

Some vitamin D.

Listening to my book?

No.

That sounds reasonable.

So I can’t do that.

I Need to Learn

I need to learn when to allow change to be a part of my life.

It’s not being consistent.

It’s not being compliant.

It’s just me refusing to do the things that I can do to make my life better.

And how often do we do that?

How often do we say:

Hey.

I know this will make me feel better.

I know this will be helpful.

But I’m still gonna refuse to do it.

My Husband’s a Great Candidate for That

My husband’s a great candidate for that.

ADHD.

Strong ADHD.

Works well off a schedule.

If you give him a printed schedule and say:

Do this.

This.

This.

This.

And this.

He does amazing things.

Tell him to write a schedule?

And he’s gonna get mad at you.

He cannot stand writing a schedule.

He cannot stand following a schedule.

Despite the fact that he does better on a schedule.

It’s almost like we get so set in being wrong that we’ve convinced ourselves that’s all we could ever do.

And I am the queen of:

Well, I’ve come this far.

May as well stay.

If You Say It Again, I’m Hanging Up

Perfect example.

I was talking to a friend today.

And he said something that pissed me off.

And I told him:

“If you say it again, I’m hanging up.”

So I gave him a chance to rectify what he said.

And he said it again.

And despite the fact that I know he hates it when I hang up?

I hung up.

Do I recognize where I went wrong?

Yes.

Did I call to apologize?

No.

Because why would I apologize?

I told him what I was gonna do.

Does that make it okay?

No.

That’s Just Who I Am

I am so set in:

Well, that’s just who I am.

That I don’t ever process who I could be.

I want to be better.

So if I want to be better?

If I want to get better?

If I want to do better things?

Then I can’t keep getting stuck in:

Well, that’s just me.

And I feel like we often use that as an excuse.

We often say:

“Well, that’s just who I am.”

As if that somehow makes it okay what you’re doing.

That’s not a pass.

That’s not permission.

I’m Very Much Stuck in “Take It or Leave It”

Just because you’ve done something before doesn’t mean you have to continue to do it.

And I do.

I am super flawed.

And I am super stubborn.

And I’m very much stuck in that whole:

Well, take it or leave it.

And then I get mad when people leave it.

I blame myself.

And then I blame others when they walk out of my life.

As if I don’t have control over it.

As if somehow I didn’t say:

“Hey.”

“This is just who I am.”

“I hear what your boundaries are.”

“I hear what you like and dislike.”

“I just don’t feel like it’s worth me changing.”

But I expect people to do that for me.

My Mental Health Is Not an Excuse

I expect that if I set a boundary?

You’re going to respect it.

But then I, on the same side of that coin, say:

Well, my mental health.

My mental health is not an excuse to not respect somebody else’s boundary.

Me being me is not a reason to ignore somebody’s boundary.

My mental health isn’t enough of a reason to not set a boundary for myself.

Well, I’m just so tired of going through things.

Well, life is just hard.

And those things are true.

And even with them being true?

Does it mean I get to use them as an excuse?

I’m Sick. That’s Not an Excuse to Be an Asshole.

I’m sick.

I don’t feel well.

Well, that’s not an excuse to be an asshole.

Those two don’t go together.

And we as a society use it as an excuse for everything.

“Well, my kid’s just teething.”

“Well, he had a bad day.”

“Well, she didn’t get this.”

“Well, she lost her job.”

Things happen in life.

And they absolutely fucking suck.

And even with that being the case?

We have control over what we do.

How we act.

What we say.

What we feel.

That’s our responsibility.

I Can’t Act the Way That He Expects Me to Act

I worked at a mental facility, for those of you who didn’t know.

And we had this teenage boy who loved to use the N-word.

He knew it annoyed all of his peers.

Knew it got to them.

Knew that it affected all the girls.

Knew it made the boys mad.

And used it regularly.

Except for when I was around.

And when I would ask him about it, he’d be like:

“Yeah, I said it.”

And everyone kept asking me:

Why am I not angry with him?

Why am I not mean to him?

Why don’t I ignore him?

And my answer was simple.

I can’t act the way that he expects me to act and then not expect him to think that of me.

I’m gonna say that again.

If he thinks of me that way and I’m going to reiterate those actions by how I act with him?

Nothing’s gonna change.

It’s my job to say:

“I don’t know what the hell you’re looking at.”

“But that’s not me.”

I Have to Give Myself That Too

And surely he would sit down with me.

And he would be like:

“I just...”

“I didn’t mean it.”

“I know I shouldn’t have said it.”

Okay.

Let’s work on something.

And saying something else.

I have to give myself that too.

Hey.

Look.

I can’t expect me to show up and not do better if I’m not gonna give myself the grace to show up and do better.

I am bound to make mistakes.

That does not mean I have to keep making them.

What I need to tell myself is:

Hey.

Even in those mistakes?

You can change them.

You can do something different.

It’s not just because that’s who you are.

Sometimes I May Be Wrong

It’s not fundamentally in me to just be stubborn.

To just accept things how they are because they are.

That’s not how my world is built.

My world is built on being able to change things and improve things.

To make people happy.

To make myself happy.

I can’t do that if I’m willing to just do the same things that I know don’t work.

So my bite of pie today?

Realizing sometimes I may be wrong.

I don’t like it.

I don’t appreciate it.

And I sure as hell don’t like admitting it.

But sometimes?

I’m wrong.

Sometimes My Stubbornness Is Just Me Being Defiant

Sometimes my stubbornness is just me being defiant.

It’s not me being compliant.

It’s not me being strong-willed.

It’s not me being independent.

It’s just what it is.

And it’s not an excuse.

So today?

I’m calling myself out.

Because sometimes my journal needs to do that.

Sometimes my journal needs to look me dead in the face and say:

Girl.

What the hell you doing?

That’s not how this works.

But you have to have the power to do that too.

You have to have the power and the initiative to take a look at yourself and say:

You know what you’re doing is not right.

That’s not okay.

Stop it.

You know better.

Growing Is Hard

Because we know better.

We can acknowledge that we can do better.

Does it happen overnight?

No.

Does it take time?

Yes.

Does it always feel great?

No.

But again?

Growing is hard.

It’s not always pleasant.

It’s not always fun.

But it’s always necessary.

Staying alive means to grow in all aspects.

So today?

I’m correcting myself.

Today I’m giving myself that tough love of:

Hey.

Look.

You’re not being stubborn.

You’re just being an asshole.

It’s not okay.

Do something differently.

The Least You Could Do Is Show Up in That Same Way for Others

If you expect people to treat you a certain way?

The least you could do is show up in that same way for others.

That’s what I learned today.

Am I gonna go back and have that conversation?

I should.

I’m hoping that I’m a big enough girl to do so.

Will it be difficult?

Yes.

Am I gonna want to?

Absolutely not.

But do I want something different for myself?

Yeah.

Is That Just the Excuse Because You Didn’t Want to Go?

So if you’ve had a day where you’ve done things and your thought process has been like:

“Well, my mental health.”

Or:

“Well, I can’t do this because that’s just who I am.”

Think about it.

Genuinely think about it.

I’m not talking about:

I couldn’t climb out of bed today.

Yes.

Mental health is a struggle.

I’ve been there.

I’m not talking about that.

I’m talking about:

You blew off a friend and it was like:

“My mental health.”

Is that just the excuse because you didn’t want to go?

Because you could just say:

“No.”

“I don’t feel like going.”

I Don’t Want to Use My Struggles as an Excuse

I want to stop using things as an excuse that aren’t only an excuse.

Because then I think it creates this problem where we’re using everything as an excuse and then nobody believes us when we really need the help.

And sometimes?

We really need the help.

I don’t want to use my struggles as an excuse for why I do everything in life.

And then when I really need to?

I’m crying wolf.

My Bite of Pie

So that’s what I learned today.

It wasn’t fun.

Or pretty.

It wasn’t life-changing.

But it was important.

It was a slap in the face that I needed.

Sick or not.

And I hope that there are times that you also internally reflect on:

Mmm.

I could have handled that better.

That didn’t need to be done that way.

Not in a pick-at-yourself kind of way.

But in a:

No.

I handled that incorrectly.

And I could have done something differently.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Pretty Me: Today, I Saw Me, I Wanted Me, I Heard Me

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Do you have, like, a certain outfit or piece of jewelry that when you put on, you feel radiant?

It’s almost as if this particular item just has magic in it.

That’s typically me in dresses.

If I put on the right outfit?

I feel priceless.

I Have to Wear What I Feel

Today, I got out of bed late.

Kind of enjoyed myself hanging out, watching TV.

And decided that I was gonna get dressed to go out.

So I had a few things I needed to do today.

And I was sitting there thinking about what I should wear.

Now, for a lot of people, it’s really easy.

You just grab something and put it on.

But for me?

It’s methodical.

I have to wear what I feel.

In the last couple of days, I haven’t wanted to get dressed.

Because, well, I didn’t want to get dressed for going out of the house once.

That’s a waste of an outfit.

And although today was going to be a lot of the same, today I felt like getting dressed.

So I was thinking about what I should wear.

And I just felt like a dress.

When I Put It On, I Feel Like a Million Bucks

And then I was trying to figure out just which dress I should wear.

It’s not a dressy occasion.

I was just running to the store to pick up meds.

Get my Starbucks.

Super easy.

But then I got this dress out.

And it’s a simple cotton black dress.

That’s it.

Nothing special.

It has pockets.

But it’s nothing exuberant.

But when I put it on?

I feel like a million bucks.

I don’t worry about how my arms look.

Or how my stomach looks.

And it’s not that it looks any different than it usually does.

I just feel pretty.

Today Was a Big Bag Day

So I got dressed.

And did my hair.

Which today is super curly.

And I just love it.

And I put on my dress.

I put on my sunglasses.

And then I decided that today was a big bag day.

I don’t carry a big bag often.

Today I felt like I needed a statement bag.

So I carried my big Michael Kors bag.

And I just went out.

And I put the music on.

And I danced.

And I sang.

And I drove.

And it felt good.

It felt like sunshine.

And it felt like family.

Warm hugs.

It felt like life was supposed to be that way.

I Just Felt Fucking Pretty

So I go to the store.

And I take care of the few things that I need.

And I order my Starbucks.

And I get there to pick it up.

And it’s super delayed.

They’re behind.

And usually I would stand there awkwardly.

Because I don’t know how to be on my own.

The idea of taking myself out to eat and sitting at a restaurant scares me.

To be by myself is a scary thing.

I’ve gotten better with doing it lately.

But it’s a mindset that you have to have to be able to go sit somewhere by yourself and say:

This is okay.

We don’t do that ultimately enough.

We don’t spend time with ourselves out in public enough.

So I go and I get my Starbucks.

And I’m standing there reading.

And I just felt fucking pretty.

That was it.

I Just Got to Be

And just in feeling pretty?

I was confident enough to stand there by myself.

And not have to, like, yell.

Or play with my phone.

Or fidget.

I just got to be.

And then I thought:

How often do we give ourselves the chance to do that?

How often do we say:

Hey.

I know that my mindset changes drastically when I wear this certain thing.

And it goes both ways.

If I put on a big baggy sweatshirt that’s ratted and torn?

You can almost guarantee I’m in the house for the day.

I’m not leaving my bed or my couch.

That is my mindset.

My mindset is written all over my clothes.

And yet?

We don’t give that enough credit.

We Dress Ourselves for How We Feel

We don’t dress ourselves for where we want to be.

Or what we want to feel.

We dress ourselves for how we feel.

And it makes sense, right?

Because, like, if I’m going to McDonald’s, I’m not wearing a prom dress.

But what if we did?

What if we felt so fancy that we’re just like:

You know?

I’m feeling like I should dress up to the nines.

Makeup.

High heels.

Nails done.

Hair done.

Jewelry.

Just go out and live my life.

If it makes you feel good?

Why not?

I’m Not Feeling Negative

And so as I sat here and I debated what my podcast journal was gonna be about today, I ran through all these emotions.

And for some reason?

I felt like it had to be a negative emotion.

But I’m not feeling negative.

I feel fucking pretty.

And it is not often at all that I think that I’m pretty.

But then there’s days like these where everything just goes together.

I have my flip-flops on.

My toes are out.

My nails are done.

My earrings are in.

Simple.

So simple.

Yet it changes my whole dynamic in mental health and feelings.

Mental Health Is a Domino Effect

And I think that’s how mental health works.

It’s a domino effect.

One small thing changes so many other things.

When we get upset or sad, we are known to hermit.

We curl up under blankets.

We hide in corners.

We darken the room.

We set the scene to wallow in our feelings.

Because when you’re sad, what’s your first thought?

Like:

Let’s go out and play in the sun.

It’s not.

It’s not natural.

But what if we gave it a chance?

Maybe It Starts With That One Item

No.

I’m not saying sunlight solves mental health at all.

And when people tell me that, I think it’s a joke.

Because literally?

That’s not how it works.

Yes.

Sunlight helps.

But if you can’t get yourself out of the mind space to even get out of the house, obviously that doesn’t help.

What I’m saying is maybe it starts with putting on that one item that you know makes you feel good.

Curling your hair that one way.

You’re not going anywhere?

Okay.

But you like your hair curled that way.

That aftershave you love to wear that makes you feel like a million bucks?

Like you can handle anything?

Put it on.

Put on the song that makes you feel like a Beyoncé.

A Taylor Swift.

Do the things that are going to help you bring out the things that you want to have.

I Wanted to Have a Good Day Today

I wanted to have a good day today.

I’m having an amazing day today.

I’m laughing.

I’m playing.

I’m singing.

I’m dancing.

All the things that I love to do?

I’m doing today.

Because I put on a dress.

Because I picked an outfit that represented what I was feeling.

Which was:

Just really happy.

I Went to Walmart and Starbucks

And so my day today has just been pleasant.

I don’t have a reason to complain.

I don’t have a reason to be upset.

Again, it doesn’t look like what everybody else expects it to look like.

I didn’t do anything special today.

I hardly count going to Walmart a trip out.

I could have had it delivered.

Instead, I said:

You know what?

No.

Let me go ahead and go to the store.

I really wanted my Starbucks today.

It was the one for my birthday.

So I said:

You know what?

That’s gonna be my outing as well.

I did two things.

And yet you would think that I’d gone out and ran a marathon.

And I met the president.

And I met the president.

I did these grandiose things.

I didn’t.

I went to Walmart and Starbucks.

Today, I Saw Me

I rolled my windows down.

I sang songs at the top of my lungs.

I danced.

I called friends.

I talked to friends.

I talked to my husband.

What usually keeps me in a corner is when I’m feeling like:

Nobody sees me.

Nobody hears me.

Nobody wants me.

Today?

I saw me.

I wanted me.

I heard me.

And it was enough.

What About the Positive Things?

Our mindsets are so fragile that the smallest of things—the smallest hint of things—changes how we act.

It could be an inflection of how someone speaks to you.

It could be a look that somebody gives.

I was infamous for that as a child.

If you looked at me like you did not like me?

I’d burst into tears.

And if you ask me why?

It was because:

That man looked at me mean.

That child doesn’t like me.

They don’t know you.

But they looked at me mean.

They don’t like me.

And it would break my heart.

Because I could read that on their face.

We are by nature able to pick up on things and say:

Ugh.

That’s gonna change the whole dynamic of that.

And then when you add mental health to that?

I think it gets even worse.

So if we know that?

If we know that the negative things could have such a big shift?

What about the positive things?

Today Was a Good Day

I like to think that I’m learning and I’m growing every day.

Sometimes when I progress, just linearly, and I shoot up.

And some days I’m just like:

Mm-mm.

Nope.

This day is not for me.

Today?

Today was a good day.

Sun’s shining bright.

It’s perfect weather outside.

I think it’s like 72 degrees today.

It’s a beautiful day.

Could I have gone for a walk?

Probably.

Am I going to?

Nope.

I think tonight I’m gonna treat myself to some Mexican food because it sounds amazing.

But when I feel happy, I’m more apt to do the things that I enjoy that bring me more happiness.

Weird how that works, right?

I Put on Perfume to Go to Walmart, Guys

When you’re in a good headspace, you do more things to keep you in a good headspace.

When you’re in a bad headspace?

You do things that keep you in a bad headspace.

How do we fix that?

How do we get ourselves out of that funk where we’re not keeping on with the things that keep us in a bad headspace?

Today?

I say:

Pick the dress.

I say:

Hey.

Maybe I go buy that lipstick.

Maybe I put on that perfume.

Put on perfume today to go to Walmart, guys.

My favorite perfume.

But it counts.

If it makes you feel good and it’s healthy?

Do it.

Do it for yourself.

Make it worthwhile.

Show up for you.

My Bite of Pie

So my bite of pie today?

I put on that dress.

And I didn’t fight with my earrings.

I’m not used to having nails, so putting my earrings in is weird.

And I usually give up.

But I did it today.

I got out of the house.

My parking spot was still available when I got back.

I was really excited about that.

It was little things that meant the world to me and my happiness.

My bite of pie today was doing the little things that make me happy.

And it started simply with choosing a dress that I like to wear.

So if you are feeling down?

If you’re feeling upset and mad and sad?

Explore those feelings.

Talk about them.

Process them.

And then even in processing them, say:

You know what?

I’m having a hard time.

Let me do something for myself that I know I’m gonna like.

That’s self-care.

That could be:

I put on the dress today.

I took a bath today.

I wrote my journal.

My bite of pie was that I showered.

Every little piece counts.

Every piece counts.

I need you to recognize that nobody’s gonna care about you more than you care about you.

And you know what?

That’s okay.

Because you’re worth caring about.

You are important.

You are someone.

You are loved fiercely.

So do something nice for yourself.

Do the nice thing.

No matter how small it seems.

No matter how unimportant it seems.

Do the small thing.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Ambivalent Me: Is Current Me Going to Pay for It, or Is Future Me?

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever liked something, hated something, wanted something, didn’t want something all at the same time?

Like your brain can’t decide what to trust.

What not to trust.

What to do.

What not to do.

I feel like that is the very definition of my mental state.

Ambivalence.

I am always in a state of:

Does this make sense?

Does this work?

Mmm.

I like it.

But I don’t like it.

I Want Intimacy, but I Also Want to Be Left Alone

Today, when I was sitting here thinking about ambivalence, I decided to look up the word.

And I came across what they call an ambivalent attachment style.

And I read it and I was like:

My gosh.

That sounds like me.

I want intimacy.

But I also want to be left alone.

I want to be held.

But don’t touch me.

I want a relationship.

I love being independent.

How confusing is that?

How confusing is it to always want something and always not want it at the same time?

I feel like that is the story of my life.

I wanted to come to California.

I was afraid to leave Kansas.

I’m here in California.

Now that I’m here in California, parts of me want to run back to Kansas.

But I’m happy here in California.

It is just a cluster of:

What do I do next?

Do I Get Out of Bed? Do I Stay in Bed?

And so I am trying to figure it out day by day.

And it doesn’t always work the way I want it to.

Today, ambivalence was:

Do I get out of bed?

Do I stay in bed?

Well, what do I do if I get out of bed?

Well, I could go be productive.

Well, I don’t really want to go do anything though.

Well, I could talk to friends.

But I could just sleep.

And it was a back and forth and back and forth the entire time.

I had things I even needed to do today.

And it was:

I could always do that tomorrow.

You Could Have Waited

My friend talked me out of bed.

And I go and I take care of the things.

Just for the thing to be like:

You can take care of it later.

Well, that’s what I said.

I was planning on staying in bed today and taking care of it later.

So I guess what I’m saying is it’s always interesting to me because I feel like my ambivalence is usually told that it’s incorrect by humans.

But it is dignified by actions.

And what I mean by that is people will always tell you:

You have to pick a side.

You gotta be one or the other.

And today again, my best friend was like:

“Either you’re gonna go or you’re not gonna go.”

Fine.

I’ll go.

But I got there and then the situation itself said:

You could have waited.

Story of my epic life.

I Have a Really Black-or-White Way of Thinking

How do I get over being so in the middle?

And it’s not even in the middle, really.

Because I’ve got a really black-or-white way of thinking.

Because you’re either wrong or you’re right.

And I can have this argument with anybody all day long.

My stance on things is very wrong or right.

Now, with me being able to see that it’s wrong or right, I can also understand nuances.

Killing somebody is murder.

That’s how murder works.

In a war, if you kill somebody, is it murder?

Well, technically, yes.

You killed somebody.

Is it justified?

That’s the difference.

I can argue every little nuance all the time.

And the crazy part about it is that that’s what happens in my brain constantly.

I Overthink Everything All the Time

People think that I just kind of do things.

“Oh my gosh.”

“She’s just so wild.”

“She’s so free-spirited.”

“She just does what she wants when she wants to.”

I wish that were the case.

I overthink everything all the time.

It’s hot.

It’s cold.

It’s up.

It’s down.

Why is it up?

Well, if it’s up, how up is it?

Well, if it’s down, how down is it?

If it’s right, how right is it?

If it’s wrong, how wrong is it?

It is mentally exhausting to be in a position where you could see all the fractions of things and still can’t apply them to your life.

I Can Give You Advice All Day Long

If you ask me to give you advice, I can sit there and discuss advice with you all day long.

Hey.

The reason why we go to college after high school is because it’s really hard to go to college later on in life.

By the time you get to the point of later on in life, you’ve got bills and responsibilities.

And it makes going to school that much harder.

Logic.

What did I do?

I still haven’t finished school.

Because although I knew the logic behind it?

No.

Wasn’t gonna do it.

I can tell you:

“Hey.”

“You realize that this relationship is bad for you.”

“You recognize that he hurts you and he upsets you.”

“She lets you down.”

“She’s abusive emotionally, physically, mentally.”

“You should leave it.”

It wasn’t abusive to me.

I deserved it.

Like, how do you move through life when everything makes sense and doesn’t make sense at the same damn time?

If I Could Do That, We Wouldn’t Be Here

And until you are in that person’s shoes, until you can walk a day with this brain, you will never understand how complicated it is to make the simplest of decisions.

“Well, just get out of bed.”

“Well, just smile.”

“Well, just have good thoughts.”

If I could do that?

We wouldn’t be here.

If I could do that, I wouldn’t have mental health issues.

I wouldn’t need medication.

I wouldn’t need a therapist.

My journal would be boring.

My journal is never boring.

My journal is chock-full of:

What the hell am I doing?

Why the hell am I doing it?

Who the fuck am I doing it with?

Is It the Right Thing for Me or Somebody Else?

It is a constant back and forth of:

Am I doing the right thing?

Well, is it the right thing for me?

Or is it the right thing for somebody else?

The nuance of that too.

So yes.

This may be good for me.

But if it’s bad for others, isn’t that more important?

Isn’t it my job to make sure all the people around me are taken care of and happy and well?

No.

No.

Not me.

I deserve to not be that way.

I deserve to live in chaos so that I can take care of everybody else’s needs.

I Know It’s Not True

I know it’s not true.

Logically, I know that’s not how it works.

Mentally?

Well, you see.

Let me explain why this makes sense.

Because I wouldn’t want you to go through what I went through.

And so to avoid you going through what I went through, I’m going to give my all to make sure you don’t.

And ignore my own needs.

Signifying and guaranteeing that I’m still gonna go through the things that I’m telling you not to go through.

And that’s what I do.

I live my life for others.

My Need to Not Process Things in My Head Is So Strong

Again, I don’t think had my friend talked me out of it, I would have gotten out of bed today.

I would have still been laying in bed today.

He decided I should get up.

Voila.

Here I am.

And even as I got up and did the things I needed to do, I told him:

“I could have put this off.”

And his response was:

“Well, at least you got something to eat.”

Okay.

I could have ordered something.

My need to not process things in my head is so strong that it’s just easier sometimes to bury myself in the blankets and not think about it.

But where does that get me?

Nowhere at all.

Life Doesn’t Stop Because My Emotions Get Big

Not only does it not get me anywhere, but it gets me to the point where I feel like I have more issues and things to worry about.

Because now the things I didn’t get taken care of?

I’ve gotta worry about doing at the last minute.

Jobs.

Laundry.

Groceries.

All of it.

I have to figure it out.

So whether I’m ambivalent about getting out of bed or not?

There are still things waiting for me.

Life doesn’t stop because my emotions get big.

Life continues on regardless of how bad my day is.

Or how under pressure I am.

Stressed I am.

Mad I am.

Sad I am.

The day just keeps going.

If You Need the Day, Take the Day

And I’m a huge advocate of:

If you need the day?

Take the day.

Don’t let anybody convince you that it’s not okay to take care of your mental health.

But how often do I get to do that?

Does that mean if I need to take the month off, take the month off?

Well then who pays my bills?

Who takes care of my needs?

And there’s like this thin line.

How do I manage to take care of me while taking care of everything else?

Taking Care of Yourself Should Never Be a Question

And I think that is the issue I’ve had recently.

Because I want to do all the things.

I want to take care of myself.

I want to give myself the chance and the opportunity to be happy.

I deserve that.

I know that I deserve that.

But if my happiness is causing somebody else’s unhappiness?

That’s a problem, isn’t it?

No.

I’m not intentionally doing anything to hurt anybody.

No.

I’m not intentionally going out of my way to make sure they’re miserable.

I’m just doing what’s best for me.

But even in that, I could see where the issue would be.

That shouldn’t be an issue.

Taking care of yourself should never be a question of whether that’s okay or not.

And yet?

I often ask.

Should I?

I Was Nervous to Ask My Husband for a Favor

Today I reached out to my husband because I needed a favor.

And in calling him about the favor, I was nervous about it.

I was nervous to ask my husband for a favor.

And it’s not that he was going to get angry with me.

Or upset with me.

Or lash out at me.

It was just a:

Okay.

I’m asking you something that might not be what you want to do.

And so I asked.

And he was like:

“Okay.”

Well, I’m really sorry.

I’ll do this.

And I’ll do that.

And I’ll do this.

And I’ll do that.

“No.”

“It’s fine.”

“It’s okay.”

“Are you angry with me?”

“No.”

The mental gymnastics I go through in order to take care of myself and my needs is extreme.

It’s Not Just a Matter of “Just Do It”

Because it’s not that easy.

It’s not just a matter of:

Just do it.

It’s a matter of:

Do I deserve it?

Is it appropriate?

Is it okay?

What happens if I don’t do it?

What happens if I do do it?

What happens if I ask for help?

What happens if that person gives me that help?

What happens if that person uses their time and their life to do so?

What happens if I’m bothering that person to ask for help?

It’s not that simple.

So oftentimes instead of us asking, letting people know?

We suffer in silence.

We want the help.

We want someone to be there for us.

We can’t let anybody in to do that.

It’s a Walking Contradiction

It’s a walking contradiction.

And despite it being a walking contradiction?

It’s the life we live.

We wish we could change it.

I wish I could call up a friend and say:

“You know what?”

“I really want this pair of leggings instead of this other thing I told you I wanted for my birthday.”

But because I told you already what I want, I feel horrible about going back and changing it.

So I’m just not gonna say anything.

My friend asked me multiple times what I wanted for my birthday.

At any given time, I could say:

“This is what I want for my birthday.”

Instead, I said:

“Well, I’ve already said something.”

“I’m just gonna leave it alone.”

I don’t want to inconvenience him by him having to pick something different.

Not once was it an inconvenience for him.

He legit asked me what I wanted.

He’s encouraged me to tell him what I wanted.

My thought process was:

Well, I don’t want to bother him with that.

Whatever he gets is just fine.

Is Current Me Gonna Pay for It, or Is Future Me?

I am so good at being this contradiction in my head that it hurts me more than it helps me.

And I just think:

Well, I’m being thoughtful.

I’m being considerate.

I’m just weighing the pros and the cons.

What I’m really doing is prolonging the inevitable.

Either way?

I have to make a decision.

Is current me gonna pay for it?

Or is future me gonna pay for it?

And I think that’s what becomes the question.

Instead of ambivalence, it becomes:

Is current me gonna deal with this issue?

Or am I leaving this issue for future me?

And if I leave this issue for future me, how’s she gonna feel when she gets there?

Damn.

She could have taken care of that.

I’ve got a lot on my plate right now that she didn’t see coming.

And had she just taken care of what was right there on her plate at the moment?

I wouldn’t be drowning in this other thing.

My Bite of Pie

So my bite of pie today?

I got out of the house.

I walked out of my house and I got in my car.

And the first thing I said was:

“Fresh air feels nice.”

In which my friend laughed at me.

And then I took care of the things I needed to take care of.

And I treated myself to a vanilla shake.

Because I got out of the house today.

Which I needed to do.

And sometimes that’s what it looks like.

It’s a:

Hey.

You did the small thing.

But here’s a reward for it anyways.

So if you are struggling with making a decision?

If you sit by and think:

“Well, I can’t bother that person by reaching out.”

If you think:

“Well, they did ask me this, but I know that if I give the right answer that I actually want, that might make me uncomfortable.”

Take the chance.

Ask yourself:

Is current you gonna pay for it?

Or is future you gonna pay for it?

Either way?

It’s gonna happen.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Leery Me: I Know I Can Do It

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever been extra cautious about all the things that are happening?

Like you planned for it.

You know the plan is working.

And yet still?

You’re cautious.

Today I’m feeling a little bit afraid and skeptical and leery.

I am questioning everything and everybody.

And I’m not sure why.

Even That Seemed to Be Off

Today I tried to be a cheerleader for my husband.

I don’t think it really worked.

But I was trying.

He isn’t having the best time right now with his business.

It’s been a rough last couple of days.

But I see that he’s trying.

And I know that it’s important to him.

So I do my best to cheer him on.

But even that seemed to be off.

And then I talked to Boyfriend today.

And things seemed fine there.

But naturally, I question everything.

So...

I don’t know.

It’s gotta be some nefarious intent.

Something.

Anything but that he’s just been the same friend that I’ve always had.

I talked to my best friend today.

And again?

Normal conversation.

No qualms.

But I still felt off.

I’m Leery That I’m Being Replaced

I don’t question most of those people.

I don’t question their actions toward me.

Or their feelings toward me.

But yet I’m leery of something.

I’m leery that I’m being replaced.

That I’m easily replaceable with my husband.

So he will just forget about me.

He doesn’t see me.

He can’t touch me.

Therefore, I’m no longer important.

With Boyfriend, I feel like because of all the shit he’s had to go through dealing with me, now that I’m here, he’s worried it’s going to be too much.

And so therefore?

I’m leery of that.

With my best friends, I don’t want to interrupt their lives.

They’ve got their own things going on.

And I feel like I am just this ball of stress that nobody needs to deal with.

Granted?

Neither of them have communicated that to me.

Quite the opposite.

They both show up.

They both listen to me.

They both talk me through it.

They’re very supportive.

Both of them have even said that I look happier.

I seem happier.

And I guess the part that makes me leery is that although I’m here and I am happy...

Then why do I feel so sad?

Being Happy Isn’t the Absence of Sadness

I was talking through it with Boyfriend today.

And I pointed out that being happy isn’t the absence of sadness.

Both feelings could be there at the same time.

I just don’t know how to mentally balance the two of them.

For me?

It’s one or the other.

I am happy that I’m here.

And that I’m with family.

And that I’m with friends.

And I’m rekindling relationships.

But I’m sad that I’m not near the other relationships that mean so much to me.

What I wouldn’t give to pick up the phone and be like:

“Hey, let’s go get coffee.”

Or:

“Okay, rub my feet.”

I’ve Got a Friend Who Loves Feet

I’ve got a friend who loves feet.

He’s got a foot fetish.

He won’t admit to it.

But what I wouldn’t give to have those relationships close to me.

And I can’t.

Like, I can’t pick up and move the people that I want to be in my circle to be right next to me.

In a perfect world?

We’d live in a compound.

And I’d be able to go visit everybody for everything all the time.

I could pop over when I need a dose of the baby and my bestie and her toddler—who’s not a toddler, school-aged child—who’s super sassy.

I could pop in and hang out with them when we both need it.

Or I could go bug my other friend when he needs a pick-me-up.

When he needs to have someone go get Mexican food with him.

Or remind him that it’s okay to be who you are.

It’d be nice to have Boyfriend over on the corner so that when I need to talk to somebody and talk through the nonsense going on in my head, I can go over and say:

“Hey.”

“This is what’s going on.”

“Help me figure it out.”

It’d be great to have access to my dad whenever I need to see him and smile.

Unfortunately, Life Isn’t Set Up That Way

But unfortunately?

Life isn’t set up that way.

Life is set up to grow older and be independent and to learn how to take care of yourself.

And that oftentimes doesn’t put us next door to those people that we care most about.

And for some of the people who are like me, we easily convince ourselves that that must mean that we’re not that important.

And we’re replaceable.

And I think that’s where I’ve been the last couple of days.

It’s Just Me Sitting in a Room All Day

I’ve had so much time to just sit and think.

My job hasn’t started yet.

My start date keeps getting pushed back.

There’s a lag in the process for fingerprints right now out of Ground Control.

They’ve been sent off.

It’s just the system.

And so while I wait for that to all come back and be pushed through—which it will—I’m not worried about that.

I’m just in this waiting game.

I’m not working.

My friends are all working during the day.

So it’s not like I can just go hang out with them.

It’s just me sitting in a room all day.

And while yes, there are things that I could work on...

Lots of things I could work on.

I find myself slipping back into that easy spot where all I do is sleep and I don’t do anything.

And it’s not like my typical depression.

It’s not the typical:

“My gosh.”

“My world is ending.”

It’s just:

What am I doing?

Why am I doing it?

Is it going to work?

What Happens if This Takes Too Long?

Today I reached out to my job.

And I was really anxious about everything going on.

And I said:

“Hey.”

“What happens if this takes too long?”

“Like, do I get replaced?”

“Do they find somebody else?”

And they’re like:

“No, no, no.”

“We’ve got a contract in place.”

“Like, your job is so solid.”

“You just have to wait for the results to come in and then be done.”

Usually they can use the results from the staffing agency themselves.

But this particular school district has to have their own.

So while we have one set of fingerprint information back and we know that it’s clear, we’re still waiting for the school’s.

And so that was my concern.

Like:

What if I moved all the way out here and I don’t actually have a job?

Mind you.

I’ve had three job offers.

When I Panic, I Apply for More Jobs

And so what do I do?

When I panic?

I apply for more jobs.

Rather than wait to see what happens.

Because I’ve got bills.

And I’ve got things I need to take care of.

And the idea of just sitting back and waiting?

The idea of hoping things happen?

Isn’t how I function.

I’m a planner.

I have to have things detailed out.

How they’re gonna work.

From the meals that I’m eating.

So I’m talking about going back to the gym.

And then going back to the gym, I had figured out what I’m eating every day.

The water that I need to drink.

When I’m going.

How I’m going.

And I’m starting to figure out what the workout plan looks like before I go.

I have to have that for my brain to function.

So the fact that I’m sitting here in limbo makes me leery of everything.

Are They Wanting Me to Not Get This Job and Come Right Back?

And then it’s the questioning of, again, my friends.

So are they wanting me to not get this job and come right back?

Are they hoping that that’s what happens?

Are they still supportive and then like:

“Stay out there.”

“You’ll figure it out.”

“You can do it.”

I don’t know.

I just know that things are in an interesting place right now.

I Don’t Want to Run Back Home Because I Was Scared

I don’t wanna go back home.

I don’t want to run back home because I was scared.

I don’t want to be in relationships because I was too afraid to fly.

And I feel like that’s what would happen if I went back.

That I’m so convinced that I can’t do things on my own that I will give up far too quickly.

I can do it.

I know I can do it.

I just have to let myself have the chance.

But I’m so skeptical about how it all works out.

I’m so skeptical about what I can put into place to make sure everything is perfect.

And sometimes life is just not perfect.

Sometimes you have to just go with the flow.

And it’s hard.

I Build Systems for My Systems

I suffer from bipolar and OCD and anxiety.

And the idea of just going with the flow is scary.

It is difficult to have those diagnoses together and say:

“Yeah.”

“I’m just gonna see what happens.”

“I’m just going to relax and let life go.”

No.

Absolutely not.

I build systems for my systems.

I check things.

Sometimes I am Santa Claus.

I have a list.

I check it twice.

Three times.

Four times.

I have to make sure that it’s perfect by my standards.

Which I recognize is generally much more specific than other standards.

And that’s fine.

You have your standards.

I have mine.

And while I’ve talked about it in therapy:

Does that make them wrong?

Yes.

Why can’t people have different standards?

They can.

You’re absolutely entitled to your own standards and your own thought process and how you do things.

Mine’s just the right way.

And I have to do it that way for me.

That’s how it works.

How Do I Do All the Things While Doing Nothing at All?

And so I’m sitting here and I’m trying to figure out how to do all the things while doing nothing at all.

What do I focus on?

Myself.

But how do I focus on myself?

Do I sit here and relax, knowing that when I do start working, I hit the ground running and there’s no break?

Do I take the time to go visit my family because I’m in limbo and I can’t start work anyways?

Do I just enjoy my peace?

And what does that look like?

What Does It Look Like to Enjoy Your Peace?

What does it look like to enjoy your peace and not be leery that something bad’s gonna happen?

How do you live life without assuming that everything is gonna go wrong?

Everything’s gonna fail?

And everyone’s gonna let you down?

That’s the world I live in mentally.

Where I’m ultra-cautious of what’s gonna happen next.

And I can’t plan for it.

So I am just living the life.

I’m not unhappy.

I’m not angry.

I’m not mad.

I am leery at best.

I’m scared.

I’m anxious.

I’m worried.

But I’m also excited.

And I’m happy to have this opportunity.

My Fallback Plan to Everything Is Apply for Jobs

And while my fallback plan to everything is:

Apply for jobs.

I mean...

It’s an option.

I did that tonight.

I mass-applied for jobs and then got a dopamine hit back when someone asked me for an interview.

And I set up the interview.

With the idea that at least if I can’t start the job that I’m here for, unfortunately, I’ll have to start something else.

I still have things I need to take care of.

I can’t just sit back and wait forever.

Life goes on.

Sometimes We Do Things in Spite of Being Leery

Sometimes we do things in spite of being leery.

We trust people.

We give them that chance.

Regardless of how skeptical we may be.

Sometimes it works out.

And unfortunately?

There are times that it doesn’t.

That doesn’t mean giving up on trying.

And so today?

I am learning that I cannot give up on trying.

That just because I’m feeling, as my husband would say, some kind of way, doesn’t mean I have to stop going.

It does mean that maybe I don’t move at quite the pace that I want to.

That I’m more aware of what I’m saying and what I’m doing when I’m interacting with people.

And I’m taking the time to communicate what I’m seeing and what I’m feeling when they interact with me.

Because they don’t know what I feel or think without me telling them.

My Bite of Pie

So today my bite of pie?

I slept in.

It was beautiful.

I talked to Boyfriend.

I talked to my husband.

I talked to my kiddo.

And I’m hoping to talk to another kiddo tonight.

I had the yummiest meal.

Which I probably should eat again.

I recognize that.

And I just sat with my feelings.

I didn’t let them overrun me.

I said that I was leery.

And said:

Okay.

But what?

I questioned it versus just running with it.

And sometimes that’s really hard to do.

I know that.

That’s life, right?

Sometimes things are really hard to do.

Sometimes we acknowledge things are bad.

But they’re not actually bad.

They’re just different.

So if you’re out there and you’re feeling leery about everything and everyone you come in contact with?

You are not alone.

We can be leery together.

I can be leery of the people that I’m working with.

You can be leery of the people you’re working with.

Heck.

If need be, we can be leery of each other.

But we still keep going.

We still keep trying.

We still keep putting ourselves out there until something actually happens that makes us stop.

That’s how life works.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Loved Me: I Am Somebody Worth Loving

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever sat down and thought about your measurements of what love looks like?

How do you feel love?

How do you receive love?

I oftentimes think that I know what love is.

That I can explain how I feel it and how I receive it.

And yet there are plenty that I’ve come across that would say I don’t articulate it very well.

Today I was sitting here and I was weighing pros and cons in my head of what love looks like to me.

And I’ve come to realize that for me?

It’s not these grand big events.

It’s in the small things.

And If You Want, We Can Go Together

So I have been wanting to go to the gym.

I had been looking into gyms to go to since I’ve gotten to California.

And a friend said:

“Hey, sign up for this gym.”

Okay.

Well, I can do that.

I was looking for gyms in both areas.

And he said:

“Well, if you sign up for this gym, you’ll get just that.”

“Plus, you know, the packages that you get.”

And I said:

“Yeah, I’ve had them before.”

“I could do that.”

And then my friend said:

“And if you want, we can go together.”

And that instantly made the package better.

Because I don’t necessarily mind going to the gym.

I do have a hard time going by myself.

So:

Okay.

Thanks for thinking of me.

But it wasn’t just the thought of me.

It was helping me to get a discounted price on it because they could.

We Used to Fall Asleep to the Sound of Each Other

And then it was something that seems so innocuous.

The other night I asked my husband to stay on the phone.

Or to talk.

To be on the phone.

And he made the comment that he didn’t want to stay on the phone if we weren’t talking.

Fair.

Not a requirement.

And so I could tell he wanted to get off.

And so we got off.

But I can’t help but remember that when we first started dating, we did it all the time.

We constantly stayed on the phone with each other.

We would fall asleep to the sound of each other.

And that always meant something to me.

It was always important to me.

I loved that he wanted to fall asleep with me.

And so that has always been monumental to me.

And the fact that he has told me recently, including today:

That is not who he is.

Well, when did that switch up?

When did you become a person who didn’t do that?

That’s where we started.

What I Hear Is He Had to Be Drunk

And today when I asked that question, it was:

“Well, I was drinking back then.”

And I try not to take those words to heart.

Because while what he is saying is the reason he was able to do so was because he was drinking, what I hear is:

He had to be drunk to do something with me.

Wow.

Drunk in order to do something sweet with me.

And so again, I didn’t let it sit and weigh on me.

At first I got a little sad.

And a little teary-eyed.

And I felt like I really needed a hug or a coffee.

That’s what I told my friend.

“I need a hug or coffee.”

And my friend laughed at me like:

“Wow, those are in the same category?”

Well, I’m not a touchy-feely kind of person.

So I don’t want a hug from everybody.

But I can take a coffee.

And we laughed and we joked about that.

And I continued on with my day.

Our House Is Always Open for Her

Well, my 18-year-old was just like:

“Can I come home?”

And my husband’s like:

“We have a room for you.”

And I knew that the conversation had more nuance to it.

It’s not that my 18-year-old just wants to come home.

My 18-year-old has a family she’s supposed to be going to.

And now all of a sudden that’s changed.

So while I open my arms wide for her and my home wide for her, I also have to ask:

What happened?

Because I knew that’s something she wanted.

It didn’t necessarily mean that I was turning her down.

But it did mean that I wanted to know what had changed.

Because she’s been really happy with her family relationship dynamic recently.

So I’m talking to her about that.

And I just let her know that our house is always open for her.

That she’s always got a home.

Sounds Like I’m Being Moved Out

And then I messaged my husband and said:

“Sounds like I’m being moved out.”

“Moved out where?”

“Well, I presume you just gave up my office.”

“Well yeah, that’s the room I gave her.”

Okay.

And so I stepped back from that conversation because I had to process a little bit.

Because again:

What I felt.

What I heard.

Was not the same thing as what he said.

Okay.

So then I asked:

“If that’s my office, where does my stuff go?”

“Where do we move my things?”

And his response was he would move his office to the garage.

Because remember, we would switch.

Okay.

So then:

“Are you gonna move your stuff out there now?”

“Well no, when everybody gets here.”

So when you say:

“When everybody gets there.”

Does that mean when I get back?

“Well yeah.”

So where does my stuff go in the meantime?

For Me, It Felt Like You Could Be Erased

“We have a bunch of shit.”

“It can go anywhere.”

“The rest of the shit that we have.”

Huh.

And again, I don’t think what he was trying to do was demean my things.

That means something to me.

I think for him that’s just his thought process, right?

None of that stuff is arbitrarily important.

It just goes along with all the other stuff we have in our house.

And for me, it felt like:

You could be erased.

You could be gotten rid of.

We’ll just put you in a corner somewhere and erase it.

So then it really made me start thinking about this whole idea of love.

Today I Had Someone Love Me Enough to Sit on the Phone With Me

And today I had someone love me enough to sit on the phone with me for an hour and a half.

And we didn’t talk.

We just...

We were there.

When we had something to say, we would say something to each other.

But other than that, they listened to me work.

I listened to them work.

And we just existed.

We coexisted with each other.

And I think it is telling on how much that meant to me.

Because when I first saw my phone light up with the call?

I instantly smiled.

Mind you, I was already on a phone call when I received that call with another friend who was willing to sit there and just be.

I’ve Got This Dedicated Time for You

The quality time that’s implanted in that means the world to me.

I think largely in part because I didn’t really get to have that opportunity to sit and be with my parents.

That’s not a knock on them.

It’s just:

I’m one of seven.

It’s a lot of time.

Nobody has time for that.

So it’s nice to have someone say:

“Hey.”

“I’ve got this dedicated time for you.”

“And I just want to sit with you in it.”

And I recognize that again, they’re still doing something.

Playing a video game.

Working.

Talking to others.

But at the end of what they’re doing there?

They’re still choosing me.

It felt good.

I Felt Seen, I Felt Heard, I Felt Loved

I think that’s exactly the sentiment I felt when my sister and my mom and my brother took me out for my birthday dinner.

It was:

I felt seen.

I felt heard.

I felt loved.

Because the response was:

“No.”

“You’re not paying for your own birthday dinner.”

“We got this.”

Really?

I was all set to pay for myself and help pay for everybody else at the table.

“No.”

“It’s your birthday.”

“We’re doing this.”

It wasn’t even that it was an expensive meal.

We went to Red Lobster.

So that’s not the most fancy place, right?

Not the cheapest.

Not fancy by any stretch of the imagination.

But it’s this idea that somebody wants to put that effort into my relationship with me.

I mean that much.

Indeed, I Am Loved

And sometimes I have a hard time comprehending:

Indeed, I am loved.

I am wanted.

I’m cared for.

I’m special.

I was looking back on some videos that I had posted recently.

And someone commented that I was beautiful.

And it felt good.

Today I was drinking water.

And I lotioned myself.

And if you know me, you know that those are huge things.

I hate drinking water.

And I hate putting lotion on myself.

Something about the feel of it.

And so I told my friends today:

“You want to hear something you should be proud of me for?”

And they said:

“Of course.”

And so I told them.

And like:

“That’s something you should be proud of.”

I Just Need the External Validation

And I said:

“It’s not that I’m not proud of it.”

“I just need the external validation.”

Someone’s proud that I did something.

But my friend was right.

Why?

You should be proud that you accomplished this thing that you’re doing for yourself.

You should be proud you signed up for the gym because you wanted to change the way that you look.

You should be proud that you’re drinking water because you decided you want to be healthier.

I am so keen to build my self-esteem.

To build my worth based off of what someone else sees.

What somebody else says about me.

And that’s not how self-esteem works.

It’s in the word.

It’s about self.

I Am Doing Things to Make Myself Proud

So I sat here and I thought about it.

And while I hate to admit it?

He was right.

And I said:

Yeah.

You know?

I am doing things to make myself proud.

I did drink water today.

Didn’t hate it.

Actually enjoyed it more than I thought I would.

I didn’t mind lotioning myself up.

I felt good.

I felt pretty.

I felt like my skin felt really good.

And it looked really nice.

I had conversations today with people who want to sit down and have conversations with me.

Or just be in the same place with me.

I talked to my kids.

I’m far away from them.

I can’t just go pick them up.

Or hang out with them.

Or make them laugh the way that I’d love to.

And the way that I would do so if I was in person.

But they still know that they can reach out to me.

They still do so.

And tell me that they love me.

And they miss me.

And they care.

I Have Built Up 43 Years of Convincing Myself I Don’t Matter

I have built up 43 years of convincing myself I don’t matter unless I do something for somebody else.

Unless I am killing myself to make someone else happy.

And in this last week?

I have loved me enough to say:

I can do it myself.

So I drank the water.

I planned the meals.

I researched the gyms.

I researched the meal plans.

I made plans that say:

Hey.

You’re loved.

And you can take care of yourself.

And that felt good.

Do I Love Me? Do I Care About Me?

It felt nice to not only be loved on by someone else.

But to be loved on from myself.

And I think oftentimes I miss that.

Oftentimes I’m so stuck on whether somebody else loves me or cares about me that I forget:

In the end, my opinion matters more than theirs.

Do I love me?

Do I care about me?

And I do.

I’m not always perfect.

I’m not always what I want to be.

I don’t always say the things I want to say the way that I want to say them.

But I’m learning.

I am growing.

I am trying.

And I’m fighting to recognize that I am somebody worth loving.

My Bite of Pie

So my bite of pie today?

I did my laundry.

Even though it’s not Saturday.

And I talked to friends.

And I didn’t fret over something that I didn’t need to fret over.

Instead of sitting there beating myself up because something wasn’t said in the way that I would want it to be said, or I would have liked for it to be presented to me, I said:

You know what?

That doesn’t take away from how others feel about me.

That also doesn’t take away from how I feel about myself.

My bite of pie was choosing me.

And I know I’ve said it a lot lately.

And that’s because I’ve been so bad at doing it.

But it’s nice to say:

“Hey.”

“What you said was hurtful to me.”

“But I can reject that.”

“That’s how you feel.”

“That’s not how everybody feels.”

“And that’s not how I feel.”

So I want you to find the thing that you love about you most.

I want you to sit on it.

And I want you to think about it.

What makes you feel loved?

For me, it’s when people give me their time.

Their attention.

It’s when people choose to show up and listen to me.

It’s when I get online and I check to see how many views are on my videos and say:

Hey.

It meant something to somebody that they watched it.

I feel loved.

I love myself for doing it.

It’s not just that you guys are there and you’re supporting me.

It’s that:

Hey.

You loved yourself enough to put yourself out there and help others.

And that’s what you’re doing.

Find the thing that you love most about you.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Delusional Me: I’m Worth the Work

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever thought that something was happening when you knew that it wasn’t?

Like you suspect this really bad thing.

And you could almost see it happening.

But it’s not happening.

That’s how my day has been.

I Woke Up in an Absolute Panic

This morning I woke up in an absolute panic.

Not from a nightmare.

Not from a dream.

I was sleeping just fine.

And I woke up and I just had this boulder sitting on my chest.

And the first thing I did was call my husband and was like:

“Hey, like, I’m really worried.”

Well.

Let’s be truthful.

The first thing I did was get online and check his Twitch account.

Because that’s usually when he is streaming.

But he wasn’t on.

And I’m like:

Okay.

I can just roll over and forget all of it.

No.

Couldn’t do that.

So I called him.

And everything was fine.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

He just didn’t happen to stream last night.

But I could have sworn something was happening.

Like, I could see it.

I could feel it.

All my senses were going off.

And yet?

Nothing.

There was literally nothing.

The Terrible Bad Thing That Never Happened

So I went back to bed and slept it off.

Got up for work.

And it just so happened that I didn’t start today because they are pushing my date back.

Fine.

Whatever.

And then I kind of just sat around and hung out.

Called my bestie today and got to talk to her.

Catch her up on all the things that have been happening in my life.

She listens to my podcast.

But it’s different to have, like, a one-on-one conversation about everything that’s happening.

And she’s probably one of my biggest cheers right now in support that I am happy.

That I am doing something that makes me unbelievably happy.

And then I talked to her about the terrible bad thing that never happened.

Just the ick feeling that stayed with me.

And she and I discussed it.

And she was like:

“Well, I can kind of see where that would get produced.”

And it’s like:

Yeah.

So I’m not just going crazy.

“No, you’re not going crazy.”

“Your thought process there, I can see how it materialized.”

And we just hung out and talked and chatted.

He Is Hurt

Then I got dressed.

Waited for my husband to call me back.

And he calls me back.

But I was in the shower.

So I call him back.

And he’s not happy with me.

At all.

He isn’t upset like he isn’t angry.

But I am not his favorite person right now.

He is hurt.

Understandably so.

And I understand why he’s hurt.

And I understand that he’s trying to work with me through what I’m feeling.

But he’s hurt.

And I don’t know what to do with that.

I don’t know how to process what I’m feeling with what he’s feeling.

I don’t know how to work through the craziness that I feel like is in my head.

But not in my head.

I’ll Just Forget About It

And so I tell myself:

I just won’t worry about it.

I will just forget about it.

Wash my hands of it.

So I tell him that I’m gonna get off the phone.

I’m gonna let him go and enjoy his day.

And we do that.

And I go to sleep.

Not crying.

But on the verge of tears.

And I recognize how delusional I’m being.

Because if, even for a second, I thought that I could just forget things?

I’m wrong.

I hate it that I’m wrong.

I hate knowing that it’s going to sit with me.

And it’s gonna bother me.

And it’s gonna eat at me until I can magically work it out.

I Don’t Know How to Get Out of the Box That I’m In

My husband has always said that I get into this mindset where until he can say the magic thing, I don’t get out of it.

And I understand that to be true for him.

I just don’t think he understands that that happens in my head.

But I don’t know how to get out of the box that I’m in.

I didn’t put myself there intentionally.

I don’t enjoy being there.

I’m just there.

And so today has been spent with me trying to convince myself that I don’t care.

I’m not hurt.

Or I’m not upset.

By things that really no one’s actually done.

I Really Enjoyed Talking to You

My poor husband.

I sent him a text message today telling him that I was sorry that I called him at two o’clock this morning my time.

Four o’clock his time.

And his response was:

“I really enjoyed talking to you.”

And to me, that was such an odd response.

That’s a response that:

“Hey, it was great catching up.”

“I’ll talk to you later.”

“It was great talking to you.”

Something you say to your friend.

Or a distant relative.

Not something you say to your wife.

And again, I think that’s just it.

It was eating at me.

I Have to Make Sure Everything’s Miserable There

I’ve convinced myself that in order to maybe be happy here, I have to make sure everything’s miserable there.

I don’t have the right to feel happy here if things are fine there.

And I think in part that’s what I’m doing.

I am trying to make a caveat where being happy here is okay.

Where my life had to be so bad there in order for me to enjoy the time here.

I don’t think that’s the case.

And I talked about that with my friend today.

Like, I miss my friends.

I have friends down there.

I have people I enjoy spending time with.

There are times that me and my husband have a great time together.

I miss my kids.

I don’t have to write everything off as bad because I’m not there.

Everything Has to Have a Beginning and an End

But in order for my brain to work, everything has to have a beginning and an end.

And the ending has to be something I can cut off.

Close the door.

And not reopen again.

And so I’m wondering if that’s where the delusional part comes from.

It’s just me trying to logistically figure out how to operate my two worlds.

Because if it’s not good for me to go back there, then I just don’t go back there, right?

But that’s never been the issue.

That’s never been the problem.

Me going back there.

I don’t know.

It’s something that I’m definitely struggling with.

I Don’t Know How to Say That Both Places Deserve a Good Me

I don’t know how to unpack all of that.

Or where to go with it.

I know that I wish I could talk to somebody about it.

Actually talk to somebody about it.

I think for sure that finding a therapist out here would be a great idea.

Because I’m gonna have things.

Or I’m gonna have to join the two lives together.

I don’t know how to do that.

I don’t know how to celebrate here and celebrate there.

I don’t know how to say that both places deserve a good me.

I don’t even know what that looks like.

Here I’m Just Happy

I know here I’m just happy.

I am living my life.

I’m enjoying my life.

I’m not worried or scared about anything here.

My fears always go back to there.

I’m afraid what’s going on there.

I have no control over it.

I’m not there.

And to be fair, I talk to my kids and I talk to my spouse every day.

So it’s not that I don’t know what’s going on there.

I’ve just convinced myself that because I’m not hands-on, things are gonna go awry.

And then I can’t plan on how to fix them.

I can’t navigate them.

I can’t work through them or work them out.

Because I won’t have all the details I need to do so.

I can’t preemptively plan.

Let alone preemptively strike.

Giving Up That Control Is Terrifying

And for me, giving up that control is terrifying.

For me, acknowledging that I can’t have my hand on everything all the time drives me crazy.

Because what do you mean you went grocery shopping today with our kid?

And bought stuff for eating?

Perfectly natural thing to do, right?

That’s expected.

My husband should go grocery shopping for him and our kid whether I’m there or not.

But in my mind, it’s saying:

Hmm.

Why?

Why are you doing that all of a sudden?

Because they have to eat?

Because food is needed?

Because it’s necessary?

I Wish That Logic Could Erase All the Doubts and Fears

And I wish that all that logic could just erase all the doubts and the fears.

It doesn’t.

It sometimes makes it worse.

Because then it makes me wonder just why my thoughts are so bad.

Where did I go wrong that I can’t accept that my husband is taking care of our child?

He’s spending time with our child.

Those are good things.

Not bad things.

And yet in my mind, it seems to mean something completely different.

I’m not needed.

I’m not wanted.

He’s moved on.

I’ve been gone since last Tuesday.

It’s been a week.

And I’m convinced that I’m unimportant.

Nobody wants me there.

Nobody needs me there in my household.

No matter how far from true it may be, it’s how I feel.

And I’m struggling with it.

Did That Really Happen?

I don’t know how to maneuver through what is true and what is not.

Part of my mental health crisis is that my dreams can seem overlapping with reality.

They can be very similar.

And it’s hard sometimes to discern which is which.

There have been plenty of times that I’ve woken up and I’ve asked my husband:

“Did we have this conversation?”

“No.”

“Are you sure we didn’t have this conversation?”

“Because I remember having this conversation.”

“Nope.”

“We didn’t talk about that.”

And it was just a full-fledged conversation in my dream that had all the components of it to make it seem like a real conversation.

Or I will think that I’ve made these meals.

Or had these conversations.

Done these activities.

And we’re not talking like déjà vu.

We’re talking, in my mind, these literally happened.

And I can’t tell:

Did that really happen?

Or was that my mind playing tricks on me?

And it makes me feel delusional.

It makes me feel like I’m losing what is little left of my mind.

This Is Where Mental Health Becomes Tricky

So this is where mental health becomes tricky.

Because while I’m happy, I’m also feeling this negative thing that I don’t know what to do with.

And this is usually where we, like, clam up and hunker down.

Because by God, we’re gonna figure it out.

But I can’t.

And it’s okay that I can’t.

It’s okay that I don’t have all the answers or the solutions to it.

And I know that.

And it’s okay to ask for help.

My biggest issue is asking for help.

But I plan to do just that.

Right Now I Feel Like What I Need Is Someone to Talk To

I’m gonna reach out to some friends.

And I’m gonna reach out to a therapist while I’m here.

And say:

“Look.”

“Here’s the deal.”

“This is what I’m going through.”

“This is my mindset.”

“How do I cope through this?”

Yes.

I have coping skills.

I just don’t know how they would all work right now.

Right now I feel like what I need is someone to talk to.

And it’s my job to make sure that I take care of that need.

It’s my responsibility to say:

“Hey.”

“This is something you need to do.”

“So do it.”

I Don’t Have to Like It

I don’t have to like it.

And trust and believe, the idea of starting a new therapy session with a new therapist?

It’s not high on my list of things I’d like to do.

But it’s important.

Mental health is a struggle.

It doesn’t always look pretty.

It’s not always neat.

It doesn’t show up at the most opportune times.

It looks like having really great days and then:

Bam.

Wait.

Where did that come from?

What’s that random thought that makes no sense in my life?

And why must I deal with it right now?

Why must I hyperfocus on it?

Hyperfixate on it?

Why am I so bogged down with this concern that isn’t really a concern?

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

Recognizing that there’s an issue.

And that it’s not necessarily an everybody else’s issue.

It’s a me issue.

But still recognizing that it’s a fixable issue.

It just means putting in the work to do so.

And I’m worth that work.

I don’t have to like everything that is good for me.

I don’t like taking medicine when medicine’s good for me.

I don’t like getting eight hours of sleep when that’s healthy.

I definitely don’t like drinking water.

But some things are just good for you.

And you’re expected to do it.

For me, with my mental health, therapy is probably a good idea.

Not that writing in my journal every night doesn’t help.

But I think because of how much it’s helped, it’s given me the opportunity to sit down and say:

“Hey.”

“I know where my weaknesses are.”

“And I can do something about them.”

So that’s my bite of pie today.

I’m going to persevere.

I’m gonna keep going.

I am going to figure it out to the best of my ability.

And then what I can’t do on my own?

I’m gonna get help with.

And I hope that you are doing the same.

You are recognizing:

“Hey, there are some things that I’m really good at.”

“Things that I’m great at.”

“And I can do those on my own.”

“But in this particular situation, I could use the help.”

I could use someone to bounce ideas off of.

To learn new skills from.

To just listen.

Unequivocally.

Without judgment.

Just listen.

So I want you to give yourself that chance.

I want you to give yourself the opportunity to help yourself by letting someone else help you.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Joyful Me: I’m Giving Myself a Chance to Live Again

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever had a day go so right that you just don’t trust it?

It’s like:

This cannot possibly be your life.

We Are Masons Through and Through

Today I slept in.

And then I got to get ready to have lunch with my family.

And I thought that my dad was gonna be there because that was what I was told.

That was the plan.

Unfortunately, he was not there.

And neither was my youngest sister.

So it ended up being me, my middle brother—or the middle child, actually—and then the second-to-youngest child of my mom.

And I had the best time.

We are Masons through and through.

We joke.

We laugh.

We play.

We make fun of each other.

And that’s exactly what happened the whole entire lunch.

It was us making fun of each other and teasing each other.

Well, What Are We Trying to Say?

There was one comment that was sort of made about my weight.

It was in reference to where we were all sitting.

So my sister sat across from me.

And I sat across from her.

And then my mom was like:

“I’ll sit over here to give your brother more room since, you know, your sister’s smaller.”

And I was like:

“Well, what are we trying to say?”

And my brother’s like:

“Well, I think she just said it.”

“I’m pretty sure she said it.”

And we all just kind of laughed it off.

And it didn’t hit me the same way that it usually would.

I didn’t take offense to it.

I didn’t let it hurt me.

I knew what the comment meant, obviously.

But I didn’t take it as a slight.

I have become a bigger girl.

I’m bigger than what they’re used to.

I can recognize that.

And I can acknowledge that.

I also recognize it as something that I want to work on.

I Guess You’ll Never Understand It Until You’re One of Us

So we sat there.

We talked.

And we laughed.

And we acted like Masons.

And I can say that until my face turns blue.

But I guess you’ll never understand it until you are one of us.

Because it means that we’re going to tease you with the best of them.

Especially when it comes to something that you’re like about.

So it was making fun of my sister for her work ethic and her job and how she does it.

It was making fun of my brother for the size that he is.

It was making fun of me for the size that I am.

It was making fun of my mom for not being able to read her menu.

Like, it just was a good time.

My Sister Would Just Go...

But then there was this woman sitting in the booth across from us who just kept staring at us.

No idea why.

She would just...

And I think that would bother a lot of people.

But to us, we’re just dumb about it.

And so whenever she would do it, my sister would just go...

And I would laugh so hard.

Because I knew what my sister was doing.

Like, if she wouldn’t have done it, I would have done it.

That’s just who we are.

And so it’s really fun to see just, again, how alike we all are.

And just how much fun we had.

It Felt So Good Just Hanging Out With My Siblings

I was expecting to pay for my lunch.

But my mom and my sister bought my lunch today.

Which was really nice of them.

I hadn’t planned on that.

So then we get done eating and my brother calls his wife.

And I get to meet her and talk to her because I haven’t met her.

And she doesn’t live here in this country.

So that was kind of cool.

And then we decided we would go shopping.

Well, my sister didn’t want to go.

But I was like:

Okay.

Me and my brother could just go.

So we met up.

And we walked around.

And we talked.

And we shopped.

And it felt so good just hanging out with my siblings.

I absolutely loved it.

I love the fact that we made plans to do some more hanging out.

There’s talk about me going to Mexico with him to visit his wife and his child.

Guys.

It’s just looking beautiful.

Beans From WinCo? Is That You?

But in addition to that, I was looking for a friend that I had when I first lived here.

And she was my best friend.

I called her Beans.

She called me Boots.

No particular reason why.

One day I called her Beans.

Her response was to call me Boots.

And it stuck.

We used to hang out all the time together.

And for whatever reason, we lost track of each other.

We just lost connection.

I moved.

She had her own life going on.

And I was chasing after some guy I probably shouldn’t have been chasing after.

And so when I got back, I was like:

I want to find her.

But I don’t know where to begin to look.

All I know is her name.

So I Googled it.

And Google said that she worked for the county.

And I’m like:

I can’t really exactly email the county like:

“Hey, hey, who are you?”

So I went to old trusty dusty Facebook.

And I typed in her name.

And I got one hit.

And I was like:

This could be her.

But it wasn’t a picture of her.

So I tried to dig into the profile a little bit.

And then I saw a picture that I thought was her.

And I’m like:

Okay.

Well, I’m just gonna take the chance.

And I sent her a message.

First I requested her so that the message would show up.

And I said:

“Beans from WinCo?”

“Is that you?”

Yes, It’s Me

And then I went and enjoyed lunch with my family.

And we had a good time.

And it wasn’t until I got home and checked my phone that it was:

“Yes, it’s me.”

It was so great to connect with her.

She’s like:

“I was literally just thinking about you last week.”

I swear.

Things are just clicking.

They’re just magically working.

And I love that.

I love that I’m finding myself so quickly.

And that I’m hoping to see the mental issues die down and the weight drop off.

I think just, again, being mentally in a better spot would be helpful.

So she and I are talking about getting together.

And I would love to get together with Boots and Beans.

We were a dynamic duo.

I Went to Bed Smiling and Woke Up Smiling

And then last night, at the end of my birthday, I got off here and I laid down.

And I rested.

And that was gonna be my plan.

But I had one more birthday surprise.

A friend picked me up and hung out with me last night.

And I just had a wonderful time.

It was nice to be able to relax and enjoy myself.

It was nice to have a friend to hang out with.

It was nice to climb into my bed and feel happy and smile.

And to wake up smiling.

I just...

I feel happy.

Things Are Clicking

Tomorrow I start my job.

And as usual, I’m a little nervous.

Because my first thought is:

My gosh.

This kid’s not gonna like me.

I always think the kids aren’t gonna like me.

So I’m a little concerned by that.

But I found out that my sister works in the same area that I’ll be working in.

So I could possibly pop over to see her at work.

My uncle also works in the same place that she does.

So again, the possibility of seeing him.

I just...

Things are clicking.

Things are making sense.

They’re working.

And I’m excited.

I Had to Take a Leap

But I want to remind you that in order to get to where I am now, I had to take a leap.

I couldn’t just stay where I was.

I couldn’t just not do anything.

I had to make moves.

No matter how scary they were.

No matter how nervous they made me.

You can only move forward if you try.

And sometimes trying is the hardest thing.

Because of how scary it is.

Because of the unknown.

My Heart Is Just Overwhelmingly Happy

But I wouldn’t be sitting here in this room smiling as hard as I am.

I think, again, this is the first time in a long time that I’ve just...

My heart is just overwhelmingly happy.

I’m not stressed.

I’m not upset.

I’ve got plans.

I’m budgeting in my head.

I’ll probably sit down and budget tonight about where I want things to go and how I want things to move.

And all the things.

All the plans.

And I’m excited about it.

I’m not stressed.

I’m not angry.

I’m not rushing.

I am peacefully coexisting with myself.

It Feels Like Home

And yeah, part of me thinks:

Well, what if I got my own place?

And I’m like:

Whoa.

Whoa.

Slow down.

You don’t need to do that.

But it sounds...

It feels like home.

And I’ve been wanting to feel at home for a very long time.

I’ve needed to feel at home for a very long time.

And it’s only been a few days.

So obviously there’s gonna be some tumultuous times.

I’m not promising it’s gonna be easy.

I know who I am.

I do have plans to see doctors while I’m out here to make sure that I’m getting on track and make sure that my mental health is steady.

But...

I’m happy.

Happy and Proud

And I’m proud of me.

And it’s been a long time since I felt both of those things at the same time.

Happy and proud.

And a part of me questions that.

Not because it’s wrong.

But because it’s:

What does that mean for all the people that I left that I love?

Because I did leave people back there that I love and that I care about.

And I don’t want it to be that I’m happy without them.

Because it’s not that I’m happy without them.

It’s just that I’m happy.

We Stifle Our Own Dreams and Wants

And I think a lot of the times when we make decisions for ourselves, part of the reason why we freeze is because we feel guilty about letting someone else down.

We feel guilty about hurting somebody else.

And so we stifle our own dreams and wants in order to make somebody else feel better.

And I almost did that.

I almost told myself no.

I almost backed out.

I almost gave up and gave in way before I should have.

And I would hope that those people that I care deeply about see me and say:

“No.”

“There’s something different.”

“There’s something better.”

“There’s something clearly happening that doesn’t necessarily make sense.”

“But this was the right move for her.”

And so I’m doing it.

I Want to Do More Things With Dear Journal

I still have some things to iron out and wrinkle out.

I have some plans I want to make.

I have some moves I want to make within the business.

I want to do some more things with Dear Journal.

And I want to start using the journals that I wrote as part of our podcast.

Answer questions.

Working on the book together.

So I want to get that rolling.

I just...

I want to help someone feel the way that I’m feeling now.

I Should Give Myself a Chance to Live Again

And it’s not just that I’m feeling joyful.

It’s that I’m feeling like I should give myself a chance to live again.

And I feel like that is so important.

Because it’s such a struggle to feel like you should live again.

Like, we could be alive.

We’re breathing.

We’re walking.

We’re taking care of the things that we need to take care of.

But we don’t feel like we’re living.

And at this moment in time?

That’s what it feels like for me.

I Am Taking Leaps and Bounds to Do the Things That Bring Me Joy

It feels like I’m doing something.

I’m not just sitting on my hands idling.

I’m not worried about the next thing or who I would please.

I’m saying:

This needs to be done for me.

I’m gonna do it.

So I called my parents.

So I went to my mom’s house.

So I went to lunch with my mom and my brother and sister.

So I reached out to a friend to see if that was them.

I am taking leaps and bounds to do the things that bring me joy.

And what do you know?

I’m joyful.

That’s how it works, right?

My Bite of Pie

So my bite of pie today?

I went to that lunch.

And I hung out with my brother and my sister.

And I was nervous about it.

And I enjoyed myself.

I loved it.

I love that we’re making plans to do things together.

I love that I’m reaching back out to friends and family.

And it’s not just local friends and family.

But it’s relationships that I felt like I’ve lost.

Because at some point in time, I’ve lost myself so completely.

I didn’t have the capacity to keep up with relationships.

I’m working back towards those relationships.

And if I find that they don’t suit me, they don’t fit my lifestyle now, it’s okay for me to say:

“Hey, you know, I’m really sorry that it fell and that I dropped the ball in keeping it.”

“But this really doesn’t fit who I am now.”

And so that’s my mindset.

And it’s so nice to have this mindset.

To have this plan of living life.

I’m Here Now

It’s been a while since I’ve wanted to hide and cover my head and cry.

And it’s been a while since I have questioned where I should exist or not.

And I’m enjoying it.

And I hope that you’ll let me help you get to that point too.

Where we can both sit down and say:

“Hey.”

“Wow.”

“If you’d asked me a month ago if I’d be here and if this would be working, I would have said no.”

“But I’m here now.”

“It’s working now.”

“I’m enjoying myself now.”

And that’s important.

It’s a Day-by-Day Process

So I need you, wherever you are, to get prepared for us to do our journals together.

And to write our stories.

To not have things be perfect.

Not have things be the way we want them automatically.

Mental health isn’t about making things the way we want them instantly.

That doesn’t happen.

It’s a day-by-day process.

It’s a step-by-step motion.

It’s rewriting your story as many times as we need to.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Celebratory Me: I Spent the Day Loving Me

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to spend your birthday alone?

Without friends.

Without family.

Just totally by yourself.

For years I’ve heard of mothers or fathers spending Mother’s Day and Father’s Day alone, and I’ve never understood the concept.

Why would you want to be without your family?

This year I didn’t really have a choice in the matter.

I had to be out here for work.

I start work on Tuesday, so I needed to leave last week, putting me in California by myself for my birthday today.

And I thought for sure it was gonna be a miserable day.

I’d Never Really Had to Spend My Birthday by Myself

I’d never really had to spend my birthday by myself.

I’ve always been surrounded with friends or family of some type.

But this year I was a little nervous about that.

I’d even had little plans in place so that that wouldn’t happen.

And I still woke up with no plans.

So I wake up this morning and my mom and my dad call me together.

And they say:

“Happy birthday, Jamesha.”

Which is different.

Because usually I just get a text from my mom and that’s kind of it.

But she goes:

“Hey, you know, we were thinking we should go out for your birthday.”

“You know, I talked to your siblings and they’d like to go out for your birthday.”

Okay.

Well, you know, I was waiting to hear back from one brother.

Did hear back from one sister.

She’s like:

“Well, let me coordinate with everybody and see what we can do.”

Do You Like Seafood?

So she talks to everybody and she comes back and it’s:

“Hey, do you like seafood?”

Yes.

Yes, I like seafood.

So she goes back and she’s talking behind the scenes.

And she comes back and she says:

“Okay, so we can meet at the seafood place today.”

And it’ll have to be between the time my sister gets out of church and before my mom goes to church.

My sister’s church starts around 11:30, I think she said.

My mom starts at five.

So we would have to coordinate where we would meet to make that happen.

And it sounded like it was just gonna be complicated.

So I was like:

“You know, is my other sister coming?”

“Well no, because I can’t leave your dad by himself going that far.”

“Unless we went to, like, Red Lobster locally.”

And I said:

Again, I’m fine with Red Lobster.

The more the merrier.

The more of my family that can show up, the better for me.

And she’s like:

“Well, does it have to be today?”

“Can we do it tomorrow?”

And I’m thinking:

I hadn’t even planned for them to do anything to begin with.

So yes.

I can absolutely wait till tomorrow.

That Is Amazing

So that’s the plan.

Tomorrow, I am going for a birthday dinner with my mom, my dad, at least one of my sisters, one of my brothers, and possibly another sister.

That is five of the nine.

Six of the nine.

I didn’t count myself.

That is amazing.

So I’m kind of excited by that because it wasn’t what I was expecting.

And it feels good.

Because in our household it was always tradition for us to go out for dinner and the birthday person to pick out what they wanted to eat.

And although this time it’s been decided this is where we’re going, I haven’t had a birthday meal with family in forever.

It’s My Birthday

My husband’s not really big on birthdays.

So he doesn’t really plan anything.

So it’s usually just me kind of being like:

It’s my birthday.

I think last year was a tough birthday.

I was moving and it was just really chaotic.

I was packing boxes.

I was having them put into the truck.

I did end up going out for my birthday dinner at Mexican food.

Which is very typical of me.

But it was just hectic.

So this year is quite a bit different.

You Know What? It’s a Good Day

This year I slept in.

I woke up to hear from different family members.

And I said:

You know what?

It’s a good day.

Jumped in the shower and I went and got my nails done.

They’re very Jamesha.

Very green and yellow.

I wanted something that was my favorite colors and for fall.

So I did that.

And then while I was sitting there, I’m like:

You know what also sounds good?

Massage.

Why Not?

So I went to look for a massage place.

Usually out here I just go to Massage Envy or whatever.

Something simple.

And for whatever reason, I decided to look at something different.

And I came across this Thai massage place.

And so I said:

You know, why not?

They look like they have availability.

Let’s go in and see what I can get.

And I got a Thai deep pressure massage.

And I feel so amazing.

Ridiculously amazing.

But again, it wasn’t upsetting.

It wasn’t sad.

After that, I treated myself to some food.

And now I’m back here doing my podcast early so that my friends on the Central Time Zone actually get it at a decent time tonight.

But guys?

It wasn’t bad.

I Have Never Taken the Time to Celebrate Myself

I’m so used to wanting to be celebrated that I have never taken the time to celebrate myself.

Not even for small things like my birthday.

And I have to say:

I like this newfound growth.

I like that I am willing to change and willing to challenge thoughts and processes that I previously had.

That I recognize that things don’t always have to be set the same way.

That I can alter them and they can be just as great.

I can be more flexible.

And I know for me that’s really hard.

Again, OCD nature.

Change is hard.

But it feels so good.

I Feel Like I’m Glowing

I feel like I’m glowing.

My smile feels beautiful.

I feel beautiful and happy.

And it’s nice to have that on my birthday.

There have been many years where that hasn’t been the case.

Where it’s just been:

Let me take care of it.

And we joke because it’s a very verbal thing to plan our own birthdays.

Because essentially we don’t trust somebody else to do it for us.

And for me, it’s just that I don’t have anybody else to do it for me.

Again, my husband isn’t a holiday person.

So his thought isn’t to plan ahead.

I Thought That Was for Then

As a matter of fact, for my birthday present this year, he had bought me jewelry back in March.

He had bought me a necklace.

And he had told me when he bought the necklace that he was buying it because he had the money on him to do so.

And he wanted to make sure he got me something nice while he had the money to do so.

And I said:

Okay.

That’s great.

And so he bought me this necklace.

It’s a Belle necklace.

Belle’s my favorite Disney princess.

And I accepted it.

And that was that.

Well, we were talking about my birthday this year and I’m like:

“So, like, am I not getting anything for my birthday?”

“Well, you already did.”

And I’m like:

Did I miss something?

He’s like:

“Yeah, the necklace that I got you.”

I’m like:

I thought that was for then.

And he’s like:

“Well, no. It was for that too.”

“But it’s also your present.”

And I wasn’t aware that this was supposed to be for presents ongoing.

“Well no, I’m not saying that.”

“But it is supposed to be your birthday present.”

That’s What I’m Used To

But that’s what I’m used to.

In the past he would run to the store and get, like, markers or pens.

Because he just...

That’s him.

He’s not a planner, guys.

So this year, instead of being disappointed that nobody thought about me, I didn’t have expectations.

Because I didn’t make any plans outside of taking care of myself.

And I had a great day.

The day’s not even over yet.

It’s six o’clock here.

A friend suggested I go get ice cream.

And I’m heavily considering it.

Bubblegum Ice Cream at 43 Years Old

I’m trying to figure out what mood I’m in.

So the ice cream place around the corner is Baskin-Robbins.

Which I love.

And I always get the same two scoops, generally, when I go to Baskin-Robbins.

My favorite is bubblegum ice cream.

I don’t know why.

At 43 years old, you’d think I’d have any other favorite?

Nope.

But as we talked about in previous episodes, as a throwback homage to my dad, I get butter pecan.

And so I usually get the two of those together.

But I have my dad here this year.

So maybe I’m feeling like black walnut and bubblegum ice cream.

Whatever I Decide Is Fine

I’m just feeling like whatever I decide is fine.

If I decide to lay down and rest?

Fine.

Go out and do something?

Fine.

I have laundry to do because I didn’t do it yesterday.

I know.

It’s switching things up a little bit.

Whatever I decide is okay.

It doesn’t have to look the same.

It doesn’t have to be a routine that I keep day in and day out.

And it’s just been a really enjoyable day.

I Really Have Loved Loving Me

I really have loved loving me.

And I think that’s what makes today so special.

I have spent the day loving me.

Not expecting somebody else to love me.

But me loving me.

And I want to do more of that.

My Bite of Pie

So my bite of pie today was celebrating myself.

New era.

New changes.

I am a nice, crisp 43 years old.

And this is the first time I have celebrated me.

So that’s my bite of pie.

If you are out there and you’ve got little wins and things you’re accomplishing, instead of expecting somebody else to pat you on the back and saying:

“Good job.”

Celebrate you.

Go buy that ice cream.

That cup of coffee.

Go snag that new purse.

That new wallet.

That new game.

Celebrate you.

You deserve it.

You work hard.

Even if it’s not to the extent or standards of somebody else.

You worked hard.

You’ve earned it.

You’ve earned a chance to celebrate yourself.

Why?

Because you got out of bed today.

You’re still here.

Celebrate that.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Forgiving Me: I’m Worth Trying Again

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

How many times have you chosen to forgive someone who has done you wrong or hurt you?

Is it because you’re afraid of what it would be like to lose them out of your life?

Is it because you think that they deserve a second chance?

Tonight I Went and Visited With My Dad

Tonight I went and visited with my dad.

And it felt so good.

He joked and played with me and we talked.

I told him:

“Your favorite daughter’s here.”

And he said:

“I don’t see her.”

And looked right past me.

We had a good laugh.

And then he called me by every name but my own, using all my sisters’ names.

And then when he did get to my name, he said:

“James-ha.”

Which he knows that I hate.

And then said:

“I know who you are, Jamesha.”

And I cannot begin to explain how much those little moments meant.

To know that he recognizes me.

And that he loves me.

And that he cares about me.

And that I get to see him as frequently as I want while I’m here.

I Miss My Dad

But as I was talking to him, I was also having a conversation with my mom.

And I was telling them that back home when I get really anxious and I’m crying and I am falling over my words, I don’t know what to do but panic.

I always say:

“I want my dad.”

“I want my dad.”

“I want my dad.”

“I want my dad.”

“I just want my dad.”

And I was telling him that.

And my mom said:

“Do you really miss California that badly?”

And I said:

“No. I miss my dad.”

“Do you not think that I would miss my dad?”

And she says:

“Well, he’s always here. You can call him and FaceTime him.”

And while that is true, it’s not the same.

It’s not the same being able to reach out and poke him.

Or to see his smile in person.

That hits differently.

We Joked and We Laughed and We Played

And so I sat there for an hour and a half.

And we joked and we laughed and we played.

And we teased.

Because one of the things that I like to tease him about is:

“Dad, now can I divorce my husband?”

And the running joke is:

“Dad, am I allowed to divorce him because he’s white?”

And my dad’s response is always the same:

“No, because you knew he was white when you married him.”

And we laugh and we play.

It’s a joke.

It’s something that is very much my dad and I.

When I first walked in, I said:

“Hey Daddy, how are you?”

And he said that he didn’t know his name.

My dad knows his name.

And I said:

“Well, guess I’ll just have to call you Elizabeth.”

And he goes:

“Okay, I guess I’m Elizabeth.”

We just have this really joking and playful and loving relationship.

I wouldn’t change it for the world.

You’re Not Allowed to Go Before I Go

I even told him at some point that he wasn’t allowed to get any older.

He looks at me and says:

“I won’t.”

And I said:

“Good, because you’re not allowed to go before I go.”

“You’re my daddy.”

“You have to stay.”

And then I told him that he has to live as long as Adam did in the Bible and have just as many kids.

And he looked at my mom.

And my mom looked at me.

And they started laughing.

And it felt good.

It felt right.

It felt natural.

I felt happy.

There Was a Niceness About Sitting With My Mom Too

But it wasn’t just seeing my dad.

There was a niceness about sitting with my mom too.

And while we didn’t do a lot of talking between she and I, like, we did talk some.

It was simple.

And it was pleasant.

And I wasn’t rushing to walk away from it like I usually am.

So I continued to sit and talk to her.

And then I told my dad I was gonna get up and go because his attention span only lasts so long.

And I knew that.

Which is why I prefer being in person.

And she said:

“Okay, James. I’m gonna go take her on the tour of the house and then I’ll be right back.”

And so my mom did just that.

She took me on a tour of their house.

And we got to talking about baking bread and appliances.

And just kind of the things that you talk about as you get older.

The mundane things.

But they’re so important.

Like:

I bake bread.

I need a bread maker.

Things of that nature.

And we had this conversation.

Then it was like:

“Hey, you know, the next time you’re coming back, just let me know ahead of time so I can make sure that I’m here.”

It was good.

She Was My Best Little Friend

I think if I had to pick something that wasn’t pleasant about this trip, it’s that I have a sister who I am 17 years apart from.

And when she was a baby, we were thicker than thieves.

She was my best little friend.

But growing up in my household was really hard for me.

And so at some point I moved out when I was 18.

And I guess she used to sit at the window waiting for me to come.

And I just didn’t.

And it wasn’t that I didn’t love her.

Or I didn’t care.

It wasn’t that she didn’t mean the world to me.

She’ll never understand how difficult it was to not watch her grow up and not be a part of her life.

And I’d like to make amends for that.

But she won’t even come out of her room when I’m there.

So as I was leaving, I said bye.

And I got no response.

I’m Not Gonna Give Up

And I have decided that I’m not gonna give up.

This is on me.

This is a me problem.

It’s not necessarily what I know how to fix.

But it’s worth trying.

And so that’s how that went.

And on my way home, I was kind of processing how things went and what happened and how things transpired.

And that’s where the Dear Forgiving Me came in.

I’m So Great at Doing That for Everyone but Myself

Because I am so quick to forgive or look past people’s flaws or disappointment or the way that they hurt me.

I give them chances upon chances upon chances.

As if it’s my job to make sure that they really fell with me before I cut them off.

And I was thinking about how I’m so great at doing that for everyone but myself.

I don’t forgive myself.

I punish myself.

I make it the worst thing ever.

As if I don’t deserve just as much forgiveness and free will to make mistakes and try again.

Maybe Who You Are Is Enough for Them

And in this particular scenario, I have had a rough relationship with my mom.

And I feel like I have given her chances to mend that relationship for a long time.

I have acknowledged that some of the problems in our relationship are because of me.

Yes, I was a child.

Even as a child, some of the things that I did or I said, I knew what I was doing.

And it wasn’t appropriate.

And I always hold it against myself that I’m not what they needed me or wanted me to be.

I could only be me.

I couldn’t be this idealistic child that I think that they wanted me to be.

And so today it looked like giving myself a little forgiveness.

A little grace.

Hey.

Maybe you got that wrong.

Maybe who you are is enough for them.

I Feel Like I Have to Constantly Go Through This List of Accomplishments

And maybe instead of trying to impress them at every moment with:

“I did this.”

“And I could do this.”

“And I’m good at this.”

“And I’m at that.”

Which is what I feel like I did today.

Like:

“I did this job interview and I got the job.”

I feel like I have to constantly go through this list of accomplishments to make sure they realize I’m doing well.

That I’m doing great in life.

I may not be a doctor or a scientist.

But I’m me.

And she’s pretty great too.

And so it’s learning how to forgive myself that I didn’t have to be perfect.

I just had to be me.

In My Being Perfect, I Couldn’t Win the Affection From Myself

My whole life I felt like I had to be perfect.

I had everything tidy and together.

And that was the only way to win over affection of people.

And yet in my being perfect, I couldn’t win the affection from myself.

So as I take a look at some of the relationships that I’ve let fall, I’ve got six brothers and sisters.

Three brothers.

Three sisters.

And I don’t really have a good relationship with any of them.

And yes, that is a two-way street.

And I know that if they wanted a relationship with me, they could also try.

But I’m the big sister.

And I’ve made no attempt.

You Didn’t Know What You Didn’t Know

And while I beat myself up on that, like:

“I’m not a good sister.”

“I’m a bad sister.”

I can hold it against me.

Which is typically how that works.

Or I can give myself grace and forgiveness and say:

“Hey, you didn’t know what you didn’t know.”

“But you do now.”

“And going forward, I can do something different.”

But I can only give myself space to grow if I’m willing to forgive myself for my past.

That’s a hard thing to do.

You Don’t Have to Stay That Way

It’s a hard thing to do to look yourself in the mirror and say:

“Hey, you have made some mistakes.”

“You have done things that you’re not proud of.”

“You have done some questionable things.”

“And they sucked.”

“And for a while, you may not have been the best person.”

“You may not have been a good person.”

“But you don’t have to stay that way.”

I get to rewrite the story.

I Get to Rewrite the Story

Now, granted, my family gets to decide if they want me to be a part of their story.

I don’t need to control that.

What I have control over is being someone who is worthy of being in somebody else’s story.

And that looks like changing from the inside.

And forgiving me for my mistakes.

“Hey, you know, I made this decision.”

“And looking back on it, it wasn’t the right one.”

“And if I had known then the things that I recognize and know now, I would do it differently.”

“I would handle it differently.”

“So I’m sorry.”

The Person I Have to Apologize to the Most Is Me

And I think the person I have to apologize to the most is me.

I’m sorry that I continued to hurt me.

I continued to put myself down.

I continued to tell myself that I can’t accomplish the things that I want to accomplish.

I’m sorry I don’t give myself a chance.

I’m sorry that at the end of the day I am my own worst critic.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t my biggest supporter.

My biggest fan.

When I should have been the entire time.

And now that I’m sorry, I want to tell myself:

While it’s not okay, I’m glad you recognize it.

And going forward, let’s do something different.

We’re Doing Something Different

If you want something to change, you have to do something different.

And I think that’s a reminder that I have to tell myself every morning:

“Hey, we’re doing something different.”

So downstairs in the cabinet, I have the gallon of water.

I’m horrible with drinking water.

But I want to lose weight.

And I want to be hydrated.

So I have to do something different.

And that is what the rest of my life should look like.

It’s me doing something different.

Me forgiving myself and saying:

“Hey, it’s okay.”

“Let’s try again.”

“You’re worth trying again.”

My Bite of Pie

So my bite of pie today.

I slept in.

I haven’t done my laundry and it’s throwing me off because it’s Saturday.

But I got up and I went to see my family.

I was nervous.

Like, sitting there waiting for them to pull up, I felt like there was a rock sitting on my chest kind of nervous.

You shouldn’t feel that way when going to see family.

But I did.

And you know what?

I still did it.

And I survived it.

And I walked away smiling.

I Should Get a Picture With Mom Too

I also did something that I don’t usually do.

Every time I’ve gone to visit, I’ve always taken a picture with me and my dad.

I will always take a picture of me and my dad.

But after I took the picture with me and my dad, I said:

“You know what? I should get a picture with Mom too.”

“Because usually I leave her out.”

“And that’s not very nice.”

And my dad said:

“No, that’s not very nice.”

And so all three of us took a picture together.

We’ve never done that.

I’ve been alive for 43 years.

And never once have I taken a picture on my own with my mom and my dad.

So today, that’s my bite of pie.

I made a memory that I’ll keep forever.

And I made plans to continue to make those memories that I’ll keep forever as I watch my parents continue to get older.

And as I celebrate a birthday tomorrow.

As I continue to get older.

I’ll make those memories.

And I’ll keep them here and here.

Because they’re important to me.

We Did the Best We Could With What We Knew

And I hope those of you who are listening to me and watching me and on this journey with me, that you’re forgiving yourself.

You’re giving yourself the chance to make mistakes.

Learn from those mistakes.

And do something different.

That’s human nature.

That’s how we grew.

We didn’t learn to spell words off the bat.

Or to walk off the bat.

We fell.

We spelled things wrong.

We sounded them out.

We did the best we could with what we knew.

And then when we learned something different, we applied something different.

We forgave ourselves for what we didn’t know.

As adults, we need to do that again.

We need to acknowledge that:

Hey.

We messed up.

But we can do something different.

So I want you to sit down tonight and think about what you could forgive yourself for.

What can you say:

“Hey, I didn’t recognize it when I was doing it.”

“But I recognize it now.”

“I’m sorry I did that.”

“And let’s do something different.”

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Relaxed Me: I’m Choosing to See Me

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever wondered what life would be like if you were able to just breathe?

I don’t mean, like, take a breath.

I mean just...

Breathe.

Relax.

Just be in your element.

I Was Just Me

Today was a lot like that.

I woke up super early.

Two o’clock early.

And I wasn’t upset.

I wasn’t sad.

I was just...

I was just.

So I decided to watch my husband’s stream for a while.

And then I put on a movie and I watched that.

And I wasn’t rushed or stressed.

I wasn’t worried about what I would have to do and wanted to take care of and who I would have to take care of.

I was just me.

And so I laid around for a while thinking, like, hey, you know, there’s things I want to accomplish today.

I’ll tell you about that in a minute.

And I just felt relaxed.

I Called My Mom

So I did call my mom yesterday after my podcast, as I said I would.

And there were lots of things that happened in that conversation that I am processing.

It was interesting seeing my mother in the sense that, like, she looks older.

And I know that they’re getting older.

And I always relate that to my dad.

But she looks like she’s getting older.

And I don’t know if my brain was really ready to acknowledge that.

The thought has always been:

She’s my mom.

We have a bad relationship.

Whatever happens, happens.

But looking at her, I felt something different.

I’m not quite sure what that feeling is yet.

I just know that it wasn’t me writing it off like I usually do.

He Doesn’t Walk Any Longer

And then I saw my dad.

And he looks quite a bit older.

But he always makes me smile.

So I see him and I’m talking to him and I ask:

“Hey, you know, can I come see you for my birthday?”

And Mom’s like:

“You’re in town?”

Yeah.

I’m in town.

So we talk about that for a minute.

And she tells me:

“Yeah, come on by. Your dad would love to see you.”

And I’m like, we can go out and get food.

It’s something that I do when I go with my dad.

I usually come out to eat.

And that’s when she informs me that he doesn’t walk any longer.

That he’s either in his wheelchair, sitting in the living room, or he’s in bed.

And I hadn’t been aware of that.

No one had made me aware of his declining health.

They never do.

It’s something that I have always struggled with because they don’t keep me informed of what’s going on.

But the conversation went well.

And we made plans for today.

And I got off the phone and I just felt unbelievably sad.

This Is Exactly the Reason Why I’m Here

Excited because I get to see him.

But sad because this is exactly the reason why I’m here.

Like, I know my time with him is precious.

That he is getting older.

And he is going to decline.

And I am not ready or prepared in any way, shape, or form to deal with that.

And then it’s the stress of:

Why no one told me?

Why wouldn’t you let me know that?

Why am I never allowed to have information about what’s going on in my family?

I Want My Dad

So the plan was for me to go out there today.

And again, I barely slept.

Not out of anger or anxiousness.

Again, it was peaceful.

I was restful.

I just didn’t sleep.

So today I knew that I was gonna need a nap.

And I reached out and said:

“Hey, you know, would you mind if I come out Saturday or Monday instead? Because I’m off Monday for the holiday.”

“No, no. That’s fine.”

So that’s my plan.

To either go out there tomorrow or Monday.

But I’m still grappling with the fact my dad’s getting older.

And I’m not sure how to deal with that.

On Sunday, I will be 43 years old.

And the idea of losing my parent...

I can’t.

Back at home, when I get really anxious and it’s to the point of me picking at myself and crying and just being visibly unwell, it’s usually accompanied by me saying:

“I want my dad.”

“I want my dad.”

“I want my dad.”

Because somehow, some way, that is my comfort.

The idea of having my dad.

I Am Worried

I am worried.

I’m worried that something happens and I can’t get to him.

Or something happens while I’m here and I’m by myself.

I don’t know just how I would handle that.

So I called my husband to tell him the news.

And I said:

“Hey, you know, I talked to my mom. I’m gonna go visit my dad.”

He’s like:

“Yeah, that’s great.”

And I said:

“Well, he doesn’t walk anymore.”

And my husband said:

“You know, I’m sorry. That sucks. That really sucks.”

And then proceeded to tell me to wish him luck on his poker game.

And I said good luck.

And then we got off the phone.

And I sat here for a moment.

And I just cried.

It’s my dad.

I’m Gonna Have to Handle That by Myself

And I know that emotionally I’m gonna have to handle that by myself.

I’m gonna have to be strong and tough when I’m not strong or tough.

So I didn’t go out there today.

And I’m really nervous about going out there.

I want to.

And I’m going to.

I’m just apprehensive about it.

I’m worried about how I’ll be seeing my dad like that.

We’ll laugh and we’ll joke like we always do.

That’s our relationship.

But knowing he’s sick and seeing him sick are drastically different things.

I Just Wanna Be With My Dad

So I am trying to not fixate on it because I know that that will not help me in any way, shape, or form.

And I’m trying to celebrate the win of getting to see him and spending time with him.

I know that this is going to be the start of me having a better relationship with my family.

I’m here to make progress on that.

I choose to make progress on that.

As I work on myself, I want to work on the relationships that have struggled.

That I feel like I’ve lost.

That I haven’t poured myself into the way that I’d want to.

But more importantly, I just wanna be with my dad.

I Am My Father’s Child

I don’t know if I’ve ever said anything about it on my podcast or not, but I am named after my dad.

It’s a really big deal to me.

My dad’s name is James.

And they added H-A to the end to get Jamesha.

And it is something that I am very proud of.

I’m very prideful about being named after my dad.

I am my father’s child.

We are two peas in a pod.

And I’m worried.

I’m concerned.

I am...

Excuse me.

I’m at Peace

I’m at peace.

If I have to deal with the situation, I’d rather deal with it knowing that I come from a place of peace than a place of stress.

And I think that makes a big difference.

Because back at home in Kansas, I’m just always in fight mode.

Extreme.

On the edge.

I’m constantly having to worry about something.

So it’s nice to be here and just kind of be.

And then deal with things as they come versus trying to preemptively plan for strikes.

So today was a good day.

It was relaxing.

I ate yummy foods.

I talked to friends.

When I am done with my podcast, I plan to relax.

Watch some TV.

Enjoy the rest of my evening.

It’s Been Good to Be Out Here

It’s been good to be out here.

Like, I can already feel like it’s just kind of decompressing.

I officially start work on Tuesday.

That’s all good to go.

I am seeing me.

I am hearing me.

But I think part of that is that I’m choosing to.

I’m choosing to look at me and say:

“Hey, you matter.”

“I see you.”

“I hear you.”

And that is something that for the longest time I’ve struggled with.

It’s Hard When You Feel Alone

It’s even harder to deal with when you are in a relationship and you feel alone.

On one of my clips on TikTok recently, I had a follower comment that she really appreciated my content.

She really relates to it.

And we were talking about how I’ve been married for ten years.

With my husband for twelve.

And I can go home after a day’s work and the first thing I’m gonna hear is:

“What’s for dinner?”

Like, I did just walk in the door.

And then we’ll have that conversation back and forth.

And later on in the fight, when I am talking about:

“Hey, these things are important to me and those needs aren’t getting met.”

It always comes back out like:

“Well, you always pick what we eat for dinner.”

Because you put it on my plate.

Like you a baby.

You made it my thing.

I didn’t ask for that.

We Live Through Other People’s Eyes

We live through other people’s eyes.

And I responded to her saying that it’s hard when we’re willing to give our all to somebody and they’re not willing to give a fraction of themselves back.

And yet somehow still we act according to what we want from them.

So I need you to remember today:

You are not the reflection that they show you.

They don’t get to decide your worth.

They don’t get to determine the person you are by how they treat you.

And it’s a fragile thought to process.

Because it’s so easy to say:

“If only I did this differently, they would treat me better.”

“They would do this differently.”

That’s not on you.

That’s on them.

They get to own that.

They get to sit with that.

My Bite of Pie

Today’s bite of pie is relaxing.

I took my time to take care of me.

I relaxed.

I got up and took a shower.

Washed my hair, which is why it’s so curly.

Because I was in a relaxed state of mind and I did those things, when I got emails to do things for my job, I was able to get up and just do them.

Because it was like:

Hey.

I’ve got time.

I’ve got the brain capacity to do that today.

And it was nice.

It was nice to not be on edge.

My bite of pie.

Tomorrow I think I am going to take the day for myself.

I think that I’m going to visit my dad on Monday.

I wasn’t sure about it.

I was thinking about doing it tomorrow.

But I think I’m going to do it Monday.

And that’s going to be my boost for the work week.

And tomorrow I’m going to sit and relax and write and laugh.

And then Sunday, my birthday, I’m gonna do something nice for myself.

I’ve earned that.

But even more importantly, I want us to get to a point where we stop feeling we have to earn being nice to ourselves.

Or someone else being nice to us.

There are certain things in life we shouldn’t have to work for.

Being treated respectfully.

Resting.

Relaxing.

Those aren’t things you earn.

Those are givens.

And I think it’s time that we remind ourselves we don’t have to earn those things.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Californian Me: I Did It

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever done something so amazing that you even surprised yourself?

Like you had a plan, but you weren’t for sure you’d go through with it?

Because guys, there may have been a billion times I questioned whether or not I would actually go through with this.

But I’m here.

I Did It

This is my new room.

I am renting a room in a home.

And I’m here.

I did it.

I actually came to California.

And I was expecting to be really upset and bothered and hurt.

Many of you didn’t catch the podcast because while I recorded it, it would not load.

So let me give you a rundown of what these last two days have been like.

I Expected to Be in Tears

Monday night, I packed up my car and had plans to hang out with my family.

My kid wouldn’t leave his room.

My husband and I sat and ate dinner.

And then I finished packing up stuff.

He loaded the car.

And then essentially we went to bed.

He fell right to sleep.

And I kind of struggled in and out.

And then when I finally needed to go to sleep, I didn’t sleep very well.

I was up and down all night long.

I was supposed to get up at 3:30 to leave by four.

My alarm went off at 3:30 and I was just like:

Nope.

Haven’t had enough sleep.

Let me go back to bed.

And so I did for an hour.

Got up.

Got dressed.

Packed the rest of my stuff up, like my toiletries.

And then my husband walked me to my car.

As he walked me to my car, he talked to me like normal.

And then I raised my hands to give him a hug.

I gave him a hug.

He kissed my cheek.

We said bye.

He walked into the house.

I got in the car.

I put on the music.

And I drove off.

That was nice enough.

I expected when I backed out of that driveway to be in tears.

Nothing.

Nothing

This is not the first time I have left my household while married.

The last time I did, I simply moved an hour and a half away because things weren’t going well with us at all.

And I bawled like a baby the entire time that I packed.

The entire time we loaded the truck.

The drive up there.

The night that I was there.

Bawled like a baby.

Nothing.

Nothing.

And so I was kind of waiting for it to hit me and take over me.

But that’s not what happened.

I drove with the music on.

It wasn’t sad, sappy songs.

They were all upbeat and happy.

And I’m dancing and singing along.

You would think that everything was just great.

Can I Run Away With You?

So I go into Wichita and I meet my oldest daughter.

And we have breakfast together.

And we talk and we laugh and we joke.

And it’s a great time.

I drop her back off.

Before I go, though, she was like:

“Can I run away with you?”

I wish I could take you.

But I can’t.

Maybe next time.

I say my goodbyes to her.

Get in my car.

And continue on my drive.

My GPS Said Nope

I had it planned to go north.

Driving through New Mexico was not my favorite.

Nothing wrong with New Mexico.

It’s just an extremely boring drive because everything’s flat and looks exactly the same to me.

So I thought, like, hey, I’d go up through Nebraska, hit Wyoming, come on through.

My GPS said:

Nope.

That’s not what you’re doing.

So I rerouted and went through New Mexico and Texas and Oklahoma and Arizona.

And for whatever reason, I did most of my driving on Tuesday.

Again, I was expecting this big emotional dump.

Nope.

Drove on.

Got to Holbrook, Arizona.

So I went from Fort Scott, Kansas to Holbrook, Arizona, where I stayed the night.

Again.

No qualms.

When I Hit the Line for California, It Was Like My Heart Burst

Got up the next morning.

I wasn’t feeling very well.

I had a headache.

But I was just like:

We’re gonna do this.

We’re gonna press on.

I start driving.

The headache gets worse.

I pull over at some point.

Take an hour nap.

Get back on the road.

When I hit the line for California, it was like my heart burst.

I was so excited and so happy.

So overcome with joy.

Not just because I was home.

I did it, though.

I drove by myself to get here.

I did it.

And Then It Happened

And I know there were a lot of people who were just like:

“She says she’s gonna do it, but it’s not gonna happen.”

She said she’s gonna do it.

But it’s not gonna happen.

And then it happened.

So I am driving through familiar areas.

And as I’m driving, this work van pulls up next to me.

It’s got these two guys in it.

And one looks over at me and waves.

And I don’t think anything of it.

I wave back.

And then I realized they’re trying to get my attention.

Not because something’s wrong.

Just because they’re flirting.

My God.

How great that felt.

Maybe It’s Just Me

It has been so long since I have convinced somebody in traffic, just based off of how I’m acting in my car, to stop and talk to me.

It happened regularly when I lived here in California.

And I just always assumed it was because I was thin and pretty.

So to cross the state line and start having it happen immediately just was like:

Maybe.

Maybe it’s just me, you know?

And so we dipped in and out of traffic just kind of flirting with each other as we drove.

And it wasn’t this sense that I needed to exchange information or give them my number or get to know them.

It was just nice to be seen.

Someone wanted to talk to me.

Like, with me?

You wanted me?

And I just felt great.

My Body and My Emotions Were Deceiving Me

And so I talked to my best friend about everything that was going on and about how I wasn’t acting the way that I thought I was gonna act.

Like it was almost like my body and my emotions were deceiving me.

I had this expectation.

I had this built up in my head.

Lackluster, to say the least.

So I get here.

And I unload my stuff out the car.

And if you know anything about me, I’m really type A.

So I’m that person that goes on vacation and then comes back home and that night unloads her suitcase and throws stuff in the laundry.

I have to have it all done.

Taken care of.

My brain doesn’t function otherwise.

But I was dog tired last night.

So I get in and I set it up to the best of my ability.

And I go to bed.

The Batteries Made Me More Upset Than Leaving Kansas

I go to turn on the TV.

And my remote doesn’t have batteries.

And for some reason, that made me more upset than leaving Kansas.

So I reach out to a friend and I’m just like:

“Hey, you know, this is the case. What do I do? Do I order batteries? Do I leave to get batteries? What’s your thought process?”

And the friend says:

“Well, how badly do you need them?”

And my response is:

“I just need to drown out my head to go to sleep.”

And he tells me:

“Well then you should probably order them.”

And I said:

“Okay. I’m just feeling a little anxious.”

And he asked if there was anything he could do to help.

And I said:

“Bring me batteries.”

Which is when he asked my location.

And I shared with him my location.

And he offered to come bring me batteries.

I said no.

This Wasn’t Me Running From a Guy to a Guy

And it wasn’t that I didn’t want to see my friend.

It’s not that I didn’t want to have contact with him.

I just wanted to be alone.

And that’s when I knew things were different, right?

Because everybody assumed that I’d come out to California and I’d run immediately to this guy because he’s my best friend.

It’s boyfriend, as you guys know him.

And the assumption was that’s what I was doing.

He wasn’t even the first person I told I was in California.

Not that I don’t want to see him.

Or I don’t adore him.

Or I don’t love him.

It’s just that’s not what this is about.

This wasn’t me running from a guy to a guy.

This was me saying:

I need to do something for me.

I’m ready to do something for me.

So I told him no.

No.

I’m okay.

I don’t need you to take care of me.

I appreciate it.

Don’t need it.

But if you will just let me talk to you until I fall asleep, that’d be great.

He said yes.

And we chatted back and forth until I fell asleep.

This Is New

And then I woke up this morning and just started my day.

There was one point last night where I’m laying in bed and I started to tear up.

And I don’t know if it was that I was missing everything more than it was:

This is new.

This is a change.

I am horrible with change.

And this is a big one.

But I started to tear up.

And then it just stopped.

I never actually cried.

It’s Just Me Being Me

Still now, today, I got up.

Got things taken care of.

Redid my whole room.

Because, again, type A.

Things have to have spots and places to go.

So I bought more furniture than I needed for nine months.

I bought a printer because what if I need to print something?

It’s just things that settle my brain.

Scratch that itch.

And then I had some of my favorite foods.

Yesterday was In-N-Out Burger.

Today was Round Table pizza.

Tomorrow?

Who knows what I’ll have.

But it’s just me being me in all the ways that I can be me.

And I’m happy.

Like, genuinely.

I’m happy.

I’m smiling and I’m laughing.

And they’re genuine.

They’re not forced.

I Know I Need to Find a Doctor Out Here

I know that I need to find a doctor out here.

A med doctor.

I am not looking forward to it.

Kind of putting it off.

But I know I need to do it.

I think part of me is hoping that I’ll go see them and they’ll say something different.

“No, no, none of those things are actually true.”

“No, no, none of those things do you actually have.”

Not likely.

But I hope.

I’m Taking a Chance on Me

And that’s been my life, guys.

My life has been me saying:

I’m taking a chance on me.

I am going to do something important for me.

No matter how scary it is.

And it’s been scary.

The whole entire time it’s been scary.

And yet I still made it.

I still did it.

I didn’t ditch you guys.

Again, I did record.

It was live on YouTube and live on Twitch.

But for some reason I couldn’t get it to load up in the usual cues for the other podcast sites.

So I do apologize for that.

But I did not forget to do my podcast.

Who Is This Girl Gonna Be?

I’m excited.

I’m excited to see what this new chapter is gonna be like.

How I’m writing it.

Who the girl’s gonna be.

Is she gonna be this flirtatious, fun girl?

Is she going to be shy?

Is she going to be mysterious?

Is she gonna be quiet?

Outgoing?

All of the above?

Who knows?

My Bite of Pie

Today’s bite of pie?

I enjoyed my day doing things that make me happy.

I woke up and got a Starbucks.

I haven’t had the Starbucks oatmeal in forever.

I’ve got my lemon loaf.

I still need to eat it.

I love the lemon loaf.

I got things organized in my room.

I put them all together.

Everything’s organized the way that I like it.

I had a fantastic lunch.

And directly after this podcast, I’m going to call my mom.

And I’m gonna hope it goes well.

And if not, you know, my journal will hear about it.

You’ll hear about it.

But I’m optimistic.

And it’s been a long time since I’ve been just optimistic about something.

So that’s my bite of pie today.

I hope that you guys haven’t been struggling in the last two days that I missed out on you.

And I hope that you have found some peace and some joy in something that you’re doing.

Something you’re planning on doing.

Because it makes a world of difference in your mental health.

Not everyone’s gonna always understand why you’re doing something or who you’re doing it for.

I always hope that you’re doing it for you.

I have underestimated for a very long time the power of doing something for me.

And now that I am, I’m wondering why it took me so long.

So as I get back to being me, I hope that you’re working on getting you back.

That you’re finding yourself all over again.

And if not, let’s talk about it.

What can I do to help?

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Adventurous Me: I’m Going to Jump

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever been on the edge of what you know will be a life-changing moment?

It’s exciting and it’s scary and a whole bunch of other things all at the same time.

And that pretty much sums up my day in a nutshell.

So much so that I can’t even speak.

I’ve been falling all over my words all day today.

The Kind of Exhausted Where Your Emotions Just Shut Down Your Body

I have been exhausted.

The kind of exhausted where your emotions just shut down your body.

I slept.

I woke up multiple times, which I almost never do.

And then I slept some more.

And then I got up and I took care of the things I needed to take care of.

And I made breakfast for my family.

And I ate.

And then I went back to bed.

And I knew I still had packing to do today.

And I was excited about it.

But my heart felt a little heavy because I knew what it meant.

But I got it done.

The only thing left now is to pack my stuff for my podcast and get everything loaded in my car.

This New Chapter Is Gonna Be Amazing

I’m excited.

And I think that this new chapter is gonna be amazing.

I don’t think it will be without bumps.

I don’t think it will be without tears or anger.

But I think it’s gonna be exciting.

It’s definitely something worth getting into.

When You’re Ready, Jump

I remember a few years back for my birthday I wanted to go ziplining.

And my husband is absolutely afraid of heights, but said since it was my birthday that we could go.

So we packed up our stuff and we drove to a zipline place.

The first time we went, it was very subtle.

Like, we did the little hikes and it kind of led up to a big hike.

The next time we went, we just went on the big zip lines.

But I remember him walking up the stairs—the mini stairs—to the top of the base for the zip line.

And it was so tall that you could feel it sway.

And I was nervous.

Things like that scare me.

Always have.

I am not a fan of bridges.

So anytime something’s moving while I’m on it will almost always make me question life’s choices.

But it was something I wanted.

So I was gonna do it.

We were all geared up and they hooked us to the line and they said:

“Okay, when you’re ready, jump.”

That’s what this feels like.

I am towers above everybody.

And there’s this line that’s connected to the next tree.

And I’m being told:

Jump.

It Was Exhilarating

When I took that first jump the first time, it was exhilarating.

I never felt so good in my life.

And I was surprised because I am a very logical person.

So the idea of being hung up on something above trees where anything could happen says:

Mmm, let’s give pause to that.

But I did it.

And I loved it.

And I’ve gone back twice since.

This feels like that.

This feels like I’m jumping off and I’m getting ready to breeze through the skyline.

And I’m gonna smile.

I’m gonna laugh.

And it doesn’t mean I’m not gonna be nervous.

It doesn’t mean that I’m not going to question my life choices.

But it’s something that I’m ready to do.

Bright and Early Tomorrow Morning

Bright and early tomorrow morning I get to get up and I get to go visit one of my baby girls.

And apparently my job decided that tomorrow was a perfect day for me to drug test, so I’m doing that.

And then I’m gonna drive.

I’m going to put on some music.

Maybe a book.

And I’m gonna be.

I’m going to listen to the thoughts in my head without letting them drown me.

I’m going to work and weave through the emotions.

I’m going to acknowledge them all.

I’m going to sit with them all.

It’s not like I have anywhere else to go, right?

I’m Not Gonna Beat Up on Myself

What I’m not gonna do is beat up on myself.

I’m not gonna tell myself all the things that can go wrong.

At least not without telling myself all the things that could go right.

I am going to get up and put on my big girl pants and start a new chapter.

I am going to write a new chapter.

And you guys get to go with me to do it.

It’s Not Gonna Stop Me From Writing in My Journal

I am still trying to figure out the logistics for tomorrow night’s podcast because I’ll be on the road.

So I won’t have my usual setup.

Which kinda makes me sad.

But it’s not gonna stop me from writing in my journal.

It’s not gonna stop me from figuring out how to talk to you all.

To tell you what it was like driving fifteen-plus hours with nothing but my mental health and the music that I’m playing.

I’m going to stop and enjoy the world around me.

I’ve got to acknowledge that there’s much more to this world than the heartache and pain that I’ve experienced.

I am going to think about the friendships that I’ve made here and how exciting they were and how new they were.

And how if I could do that here, I could do that again there.

Get Back to Taking Care of Me

I am debating on how to surprise my family with the news that I’m back.

And I think what I want to do is simply ask for the address and then show up and see my dad.

I’m spending my birthday by myself.

Which is not what I imagined.

And as of right now, I’m thinking:

If you’re gonna make this drive across the country by yourself, the least you could do is treat yourself.

So right now I’m thinking maybe getting my nails done, which I haven’t done in ages.

And getting a nice massage, which I also haven’t done in ages.

And get back to taking care of me.

Maybe I’ll go for a walk.

Go out to eat.

Sit at a park.

All things that I desire to do that I always stop myself from doing.

Living, you know?

We Don’t Live to Make Those Changes

We expect our mental health to drastically change and get better.

But we don’t live to make those changes.

And that is not an insult to anybody out there who’s struggling with that.

Again, that’s my life.

I know what it’s like to shut down and be stuck in my room while also acknowledging that I need to get out of my room.

And it’s hard.

It’s hard.

But in order to get something different, I have to do something different.

And it doesn’t mean that I don’t get to be afraid or sad or upset.

It means that I get to do those things anyways while feeling those feelings.

It means I have to give myself a chance.

It means I don’t write myself off.

And that feels good.

I Came Out to Kansas 13 Years Ago Chasing After a Boy

I came out to Kansas 13 years ago chasing after a boy.

And I stayed.

And I met another boy.

And we got married.

And I’ve just been here.

And I’ve lived this life.

And there have been times where I’ve absolutely adored it.

And there’s been times where it’s frustrated me.

But I kept going.

And there were days that it was really hard to keep going.

Days that I did things that I wouldn’t want somebody else to do.

Days that I cried myself to sleep.

Days that I hid from myself as well as hiding from the world.

I’m Proud of Me

I have learned so much about me since I’ve started this process, this Dear Journal, in June.

If you had asked me where I’d be at the end of August, this is not what I would have thought.

I am great with starting things.

Seeing them all the way through when I don’t think that they’re perfect?

Not so great.

The fact that I’m in front of a camera, talking and spewing my guts?

I’m proud of me.

I’m proud that I can look inside the camera and see what I see as all my imperfections and all my flaws.

The hair that I don’t always like.

And the arms that are flabby.

And the clothes that are tight because I’ve gotten bigger.

And still say:

You know what?

I’m worth showing up for.

I’m Worth Showing Up For

I feel like that’s the biggest adventure that I started.

That I am worth showing up for.

So I’m going to climb those stairs up the tower.

I’m gonna put on my helmet.

Put on my gear.

And I’m gonna jump.

And while there may be people who are questioning why I’m doing it and they don’t understand it, the best answer I could ever give is that I’m doing it for me.

I deserve this.

I deserve to find me and the things that bring me joy.

So that’s what I’m gonna do.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was keeping a calm head.

It was saying:

“Hey, I know I’ve got all these things to take care of, but I can do it. I can get it done.”

And I did.

My suitcases are out there.

There’s two.

My suitcases are out in the trunk of the car.

I’ve got other bags sitting here packed, ready to go to the car.

My desk is already portioned up to just turn everything off and put it away so it can go.

I’m doing it.

And I think a lot of people questioned when I would back out.

I think a lot of people counted me out.

And to be honest, they had every right to.

I am very much that person who has said multiple times:

“I’m gonna leave.”

“I’m gonna go.”

“I’m gonna do this.”

And have made no movement.

But this time is different.

This time I chose me.

And I said:

“I’m gonna do it.”

And I have.

Every step of the way, I’ve done everything I need to do to push forward.

And tomorrow morning, at the butt crack of dawn, I’m gonna get up.

I’m gonna say my goodbyes.

I’m gonna get in my car.

And I’m gonna drive away.

And I’m gonna start a new chapter of my life.

Rewrite It

So if you’re out there and you’re wondering where your story is going, what’s it supposed to look like?

Rewrite it.

It’s never too late to decide that you don’t like where the chapter is going and rewrite it.

Hey, I didn’t like the way that this day looked.

Let’s erase it and start over.

You know, that chapter ended in a way that I wouldn’t want to tell people to do that.

The next chapter is gonna start magnificently.

My next chapter is gonna start bright and early in the morning with me getting in my car.

Putting on some music.

Driving to the first Starbucks that’s open.

Not even gonna lie.

That’s what I’m gonna do.

I’m gonna do it.

I’m going to be seen headed west.

And that’s how life is gonna work.

Because some days that’s all we can do.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Stoic Me: I Needed to Feel Like I Was Going to Be Missed

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever had that dream where you throw a party, be it a regular party or a birthday party, and no one attends?

Or maybe you end up in the hospital and, as the nurse is getting you all settled in, she asks:

“Who can I call on your behalf?”

But you can’t name anybody.

I hate that I know what that feels like.

I hate that I know how empty and lonely that feels.

Today Felt a Lot Like That

Today felt a lot like that.

I am nearing my date to leave.

And I thought surely certain people would want to spend more time with me before I left.

And that is not happening the way that I thought it would.

And I don’t think that it’s callous or mean.

I think that it just doesn’t cross their mind the same way that it crosses mine.

So today I was supposed to go to breakfast with my husband.

We get up and we head out there, but my kid had plans, so we had to rush back.

Just for us to get back and my kid would be like:

“Never mind, I don’t want to go.”

It’s fine.

But then I came into my office to do something really quick and didn’t hear from my husband.

So I just assumed that he was busy.

And that’s totally my bad.

But when I did go to check, he was taking a nap.

I said, okay.

I didn’t bother him.

Came back to my office and did some more work.

And I kept hearing his alarm go off.

And so when he got up, at that point I was exhausted.

So I went and laid down and decided to take a nap.

But that seems to be how the day has gone.

Two ships in the night.

Something Seems Off

By the time I got up, he came back to lay back down.

And so I got up and I came out of my office.

Then minutes later he came into my office.

And I recall saying:

“Hey, I thought you were sleeping.”

“Hmm. Just laying down by you.”

Okay.

Yeah, that’s fine.

“Are you hungry?”

“Yeah, I kinda want burgers.”

And not like McDonald’s burgers, but homemade burgers.

I like when my husband makes burgers.

And so that’s what he’s gonna get to doing as he talks to his son.

But something seems off.

And not off like I think that he’s angry or upset with me.

Off in the sense that I’m getting ready to get into a car early Tuesday morning and drive away.

And our time with each other leading up to that point has been very limited.

I Was Looking for the Emotional Side of It

It’s not a requirement to spend more time with me.

Last night we had a conversation and my feelings got hurt.

And it wasn’t so much what he was saying, but for me it was the lack of what was said.

We were talking about my drive and what that looks like.

“Hey, you know, do you think that I should stop overnight somewhere or take a nap in my car? What does that look like? What do you think?”

“Well, I think that you should stop at a hotel because I think that’s where you’d be more comfortable. But also, you know, if you’re going to sleep in your car, I think that’d be fine too.”

Okay.

“But which one would make you feel better?”

“Well, either. You can take care of yourself.”

And I knew that’s what he meant.

I knew that he was just saying that he doesn’t worry about me because I can handle myself.

And I can.

But then there’s that part of me that wants somebody to care that:

What if?

What if, you know?

Well, she is driving by herself.

That could be dangerous and that could be scary.

And I’m a little concerned.

I have faith in you, but I’m still concerned.

And I want to put safeguards in place to make sure nothing happens.

My husband has my location.

And that’s kind of what his thought was.

Like:

“I have your location. If something happens, then I’ll do what I can to help out.”

And I was looking for so much more.

I Needed to Feel Like I Was Gonna Be Missed

I guess I was looking for a:

“You know, I’m gonna be really sad that you go.”

“I’m gonna really miss you.”

Like the emotional side of it.

Not the pragmatic side of it.

Not the logical logistics side of it.

I was looking for more of a:

“Yeah, this is gonna be hard and I’m gonna be really sad to see you go.”

“And I’m gonna be checking up on you because I’m concerned about you getting there.”

“I know that you can, but still, I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

I was looking for the more emotional connection there.

And he was just like:

“You’re fine. I’m not worried about it.”

And so I got my feelings hurt.

Not that he, again, did anything.

But it was just, for me, I needed to feel like I was gonna be missed.

And I didn’t get that.

And I think he realized that at some point because he turns to me and he says:

“You know I’m gonna miss you, right?”

And I shook my head no.

And that’s where that conversation stopped.

I Just Did Not Have the Capacity to Say Anything

There wasn’t any more, I guess, to discuss.

He didn’t say anything more.

And I just did not have the capacity to say anything.

So I decided it would be in my best interest to take my anxiety med and go to bed.

Which is what I did.

And today I woke up.

Fresh day.

Started over.

But I can’t kick this nagging feeling that I leave on Tuesday.

And I haven’t really hung out with my kid.

He’s got plans this weekend.

My husband and I have kind of been just, again, doing our own thing.

But no one has been like:

“Hey, no. I want to spend this designated time with you because I won’t have that for a while.”

And I’m not saying nobody has done that.

That Meant Something to Me

I’ve got my baby girl in Wichita who’s like:

“Mom, come see me before you leave.”

Okay.

I’ll do that.

And I love that.

I love the fact that she was just like:

“Hey, you know, I’d really like to see you before you go.”

That meant something to me.

But I don’t fault anybody else for not thinking that or feeling that.

I’ve had friends up in the city who’ve been like:

“If you can make the time, if you can spare the time, I’d like to see you before you leave.”

And I felt bad because I couldn’t do it.

But it still meant a lot to me that that was the headspace.

I’m Not Showing People That Side of Me

But I also recognize that I’m not showing people that side of me, right?

I’m not crying in a corner or sending messages of like:

“My gosh, why aren’t you spending time with me?”

It’s just kind of:

Alright.

And again, for me, some part of me is so used to that that it’s just, you know, another day.

I have been in the hospital where I’ve had a nurse stand by my side and ask:

“Honey, who can I call for you?”

Nobody.

And I feel like nothing tells you how alone you are like moments like that.

It’s Not That I Can’t Fix the Flat Tire by Myself

Being in the hospital bed where you don’t have anyone to call.

Or being in an accident where you wouldn’t know who to reach out to.

If I got a flat tire, I wouldn’t know who to call.

And it’s not so much that I can’t fix the flat tire by myself.

It’s that nobody would know.

If I were to have a severe accident out here in Kansas, my family wouldn’t know.

My parents don’t keep in contact with me.

Both my siblings don’t.

No one would know.

And I remember asking my husband:

“So, like, in the event something does happen to me, how would you tell my family?”

Because my husband doesn’t have access to my family that way.

Not because he can’t.

They just don’t.

And he was like:

“I would just go through your phone.”

Like, and if my phone was with me when it happened and you can’t get into my phone?

“I’ll just go through your Facebook.”

It Just Feels So Lonely

Again, from a very logical standpoint, that makes a lot of sense, right?

Like, he would do what he would have to do to figure it out.

But the other side of it is like:

Wow.

Really?

Nobody cares to make sure that, like, hey, if something were to happen, this is the way that this should go?

And it just feels so lonely.

And today I think that’s what’s sat with me.

I’m getting ready to make a 30-ish hour drive by myself.

And most of the people that I’m going to go see in California don’t know that I’m coming.

And even if I told them that I was coming, they wouldn’t keep tabs on me enough like that to know that I was safe.

And then my husband’s got stuff going on here.

So it’s not like he could just drop everything and come get me or come find me and make sure that I’m okay.

So I just feel like:

Where does that leave me?

That Doesn’t Solve Anything

I mean, yes.

I can cry about it.

I can be upset about it.

I can hide in the corner.

That doesn’t solve anything.

And I know, again, this is one of those fixable problems, so to speak.

In the sense that if I were to communicate with people like:

“Hey, this is what I’m really needing.”

And I’ve done that.

I’ve reached out to someone today and said:

“Hey, I don’t typically ask this of you, but I really need this from you in the next couple of days.”

And they said yes.

And that made me feel a little bit better.

At What Point Do You Stop Wanting to Be Stoic?

But so many times I bury myself into this idea that nobody cares.

But I don’t speak on it.

I just accept it as the norm.

That’s just my life.

That’s just how that happens.

I’ll just be stoic.

But at what point in time do you stop wanting to be stoic and be honest or real?

So today, that’s my thought.

After all is said and done, tonight I’m hoping to curl up on my couch and hang out with my husband and laugh and joke and play.

And if not, okay.

And then I’m going to, at some point in time between now and tomorrow night, pack my bags.

I still haven’t done it.

But I’ve started.

And I’m gonna spend time with my dogs because I’ve already started to feel like I’m a bad dog mom because I won’t see them and they don’t get their special treats.

And I’m gonna figure it out.

Gotta Figure Out How Not to Always Have to Be Strong for Myself

Gotta figure out how not to always have to be strong for myself and trust somebody else.

And that’s a big deal.

Giving somebody that part of you where you say:

“Hey, please don’t let me down.”

“Like, I need you to be there in the best capacity that you can show up.”

I don’t know.

I just thought things would be different.

I didn’t think there was gonna be a party that I was leaving.

But I thought for sure people would be sappy enough to be like:

“I really want time with you before you go.”

“I’d really like to see you.”

Most of all my husband and my child.

And neither of them seem very phased that I’m leaving.

Parts of Me Are Really Glad for That

And parts of me are really glad for that.

Like, I’m glad they’re just kind of like:

“Alright, you’re fine. I’ll see you again.”

“It’s not a big deal.”

And I love that.

I love the fact that they can just carry on.

And I think they are both very much alike without realizing that they’re very much alike.

And for them it’s easier to compartmentalize that like:

“Hey, she’s leaving, but she’s coming back.”

And I think that’s the buildup, right?

That’s always that she’s coming back.

So this is not the end of the world.

It’s a temporary situation.

It’s fine.

What Am I Coming Back To?

But I feel like it leaves me feeling some kind of way.

Well, if that’s what the case is, what am I coming back to?

Who am I coming back to?

And I have to remind myself.

I have to diligently remind myself that what I’m feeling may not be the case that’s presented, right?

Because that happens so often where I feel like I’m unimportant and unloved and uncared for.

And I’m just really stoic about it.

Really just:

Nope.

Doesn’t bother me.

That’s just another day in the world.

Versus:

These people are telling me that they care.

They’re telling me that I matter.

It’s just not in the capacity that I need them to.

And that’s okay too.

This Is What I Needed

I can communicate like:

“Hey, this is what I needed.”

But I know you still care.

So my bite of pie today is that I’m not letting it eat at me.

I am still going to go and enjoy my time.

I’m going to laugh and play and hang out with those who want to laugh and play and hang out with me.

And I’m gonna get my stuff packed.

And I’m gonna make the most of the time that I have left here with the people I care about.

So that when I leave and I start this new chapter, I’m not holding back.

I’m not afraid to write it.

I’m not afraid to live it.

My Bite of Pie

I hope that today you are able to live your life.

And that you live your life loudly.

And that if something’s bothering you or something’s nagging at you, that you have people that you can trust to say:

“Hey, this is what I was needing in this moment.”

“And I don’t hold it against you, but the next time that this presents itself, this is how I need you to show up.”

Because we deserve that.

I deserve it.

You deserve it.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Emotional Me: I Can Celebrate Me

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever had so many emotions coursing through your body that it was impossible to name them?

It’s like, how do you expect to process emotions when they all seem to be there jumbled up?

That has been me today.

I am a plethora of emotions, and I don’t know which one’s predominant.

I’ve been giddy.

I’ve been silly.

I’ve been happy.

And then, if I’m really being honest, there’s parts of me that have been sad and nostalgic.

And I’m not sure where that all is supposed to line up.

I just know that it’s a lot of feelings.

I’m Not Addressing Any of the Other Millions of Feelings

Today I choose to focus on the more positive of the feelings.

I am laughing and I’m playing and I’m dancing and I’m singing.

But I notice that I’m not addressing any of the other millions of feelings coursing through me.

Because let’s be real.

There are several other things in my head.

Worries.

Concerns.

And I don’t know how to address them.

I want to say that I am ready for everything that’s coming.

I’m excited for it.

But ready for it feels so different.

This is the first time I’ve made this drive by myself.

This is the first time I have felt like this is something that I needed to do and have gone through with it.

I am hearing friends and family and everybody in between tell me how they feel about it and what they’re thinking.

And that always plays a part in how I move and what I do.

Usually I Would Change Everything I Was Doing

Usually, I would let that lead to me making decisions that aren’t in my best interest.

I would change everything that I was doing.

And this particular time I said, you know what?

It sucks that that’s happening that way, but that’s the situation.

The friends that I was planning on visiting before I left, I didn’t get to visit with them.

And instead of me saying, “Well, let me push everything back and try,” it was:

I would like to.

I just know that I can’t.

It’s not in the cards.

And I’m sorry.

It’s not intentional.

I just can’t.

With the exception of one special person.

One of my kiddos.

I haven’t seen her in forever.

So I am altering my trip to see her.

Which is causing, like, a four-hour delay.

But she’s worth it.

She hasn’t seen me.

I haven’t seen her in a long time.

So I’m gonna make that effort to do that before I leave.

But other than that, I’m doing what I feel is right for me.

Why Do I Deserve Something Good?

And it’s a strange feeling because I’m so quick to correct myself when I’m focusing on myself, right?

It’s like, why do I deserve something good when all these people in my life don’t have something good?

And I make it my job to make them happy and to provide them with that peace that I feel like they deserve.

The problem with that is that I ignore the peace that I also deserve.

I have spent so much of my life filling somebody else’s cup that mine has been empty for far too long.

And so I’m excited because, for once, I am doing something to fill my cup.

And it feels good.

Nobody Wants to Hear That I May Never Come Back

I don’t even know how to act.

Because on the one hand, I want to shout it from the rooftop that this is happening.

This is what’s going on.

But at the same time, I know it’s a sensitive subject with friends and family.

Nobody wants to keep hearing about how I’m leaving.

Nobody wants to hear that I may never come back ever again.

Nobody wants to hear, what if I get busy with life?

Nobody wants to think that things could drastically change.

And I get that.

Because why, right?

Why would you imagine life to change?

Your life is supposed to be a certain way.

People are supposed to be for you.

With you.

That’s what we know.

And what happens when that gets turned on its head?

I think that is what I’m experiencing.

Things Don’t Always Go According to Plan

I have this idea of what life is supposed to look like, both here and there.

And I have this plan.

Because I always have a plan.

But things don’t always go according to plan.

My goal isn’t to go out to California and never come back.

But it could happen.

My goal isn’t to forget about everybody that’s here.

But it could happen.

So I am trying to, I guess, prepare myself for what that looks like.

Does that mean I’m gonna forget my friends and my family?

No, it doesn’t.

But I also don’t think that it automatically means I’m running back to what’s here.

But I’m not running away from what’s here either.

And I think that it’s a complicated situation.

Which makes all the feelings surrounding it just that much more difficult.

Because you’ve got these friends and family that were just like:

“Go for it.”

“Do it.”

“You deserve it.”

“But come back.”

I Deserve to Be Happy, As Long as I Come Back?

I deserve to be happy.

I deserve to do what I want.

As long as I come back?

But if I’m happy doing that, what does that make me here?

And it’s such an interesting concept because no one’s necessarily thinking, she’s miserable here.

They’re just thinking, well no, she wants to see her family.

And I do.

I really, really do.

Best case scenario is that I go out there and I live my best life for the next nine months.

Worst case scenario, I go out there and I cannot wait to get back.

But what happens if that’s not the case?

What happens if I get out there and it’s just:

I’m home.

This is where I’m meant to be.

What if I go out there and I really love the traveling role?

And so next school year I pick another one.

What does that look like?

When you change the things, when you change the plans that you originally have, how do you prepare yourself and others for that?

And right now, I just don’t know.

I Still Have So Much More of My Life to Live

I don’t want to feel bad for wanting to do something fun.

And I’m not young by any stretch of the imagination.

But I’m not old either.

I still have so much more of my life to live and so many other things I’d like to do and accomplish that I would hate to turn it down because, well, that person over there doesn’t want me to do it.

I mean, I got my passport on a whim.

And when I say on a whim, I mean I worked with a family and the family was just like:

“Hey, you know, we’re going on this trip. Our child’s on the spectrum. We don’t really get to do vacations the way we want to do them because either me or my husband are always watching the child. Would you like to go?”

Yes.

“Would you like to ask your husband?”

No.

“Do you want to talk about it with him first?”

No.

And it’s not that I don’t respect my husband’s opinion.

It was just, in the grand scheme of things, I wasn’t gonna let someone tell me that I can’t take this opportunity.

It’s a big opportunity.

And of course, when I talked to my husband, he said just that.

“No, I wouldn’t stop you from doing that. Go get your passport and go.”

So I got my passport and I went out of the country for two weeks.

Had a great time.

If I can do that and I can do this, what’s gonna stop me from saying no in the future?

That’s Not the Real World

In a perfect world, I wouldn’t have to say no.

I would say yes and everything would work out.

Either my partner would come with me.

My family would be able to come with me.

Things would just magically be what I need it to be.

That’s not the real world.

I can’t say with any sort of certainty that if I ever were to move somewhere outside of the state—I mean move, not temporary relocate—I don’t think my husband would go.

He’s told me he would.

But never once has there ever been a show of effort that he would do that.

So the expectation then isn’t that that’s what I expect from him.

I expect for him to say no.

But at the same time, I would love to live other places.

I’d love to see other places.

I’ve had goals to visit every state in the U.S. since forever.

I’m nowhere near that.

And of course, for me, I only count it as visiting if you stay overnight.

Maybe I Go on Vacations and He Enjoys Home With Our Dogs

But if you have somebody who doesn’t care about leaving the state and is happy where they are, what does that mean?

I don’t know if it’s that we’re just too different.

I don’t know if it’s that we just continue to live separate lives.

I mean, that’s possible, right?

Not preferable.

But it’s possible.

Maybe I go on vacations and he enjoys home with our dogs.

Maybe every couple of years I take an assignment somewhere else and I learn a new area.

I would love to go to Alaska.

I like to think that I’d like to live in Alaska.

And then I remember that I get cold extremely easily.

So...

Maybe not.

But I’d love to travel the world.

I’d love to learn new languages.

I want to be able to do those things.

I speak Spanish fairly well.

I don’t generally acknowledge it to people.

I can read it.

I can write it very well.

And I can speak it fairly fluently as well.

I can sign.

I’d love to learn more languages, though.

And for me, a part of that is being in different places.

Being able to immerse yourself in another culture.

Despite the fact that America is one big melting pot, it is so interesting to see the difference in culture depending on what area you live in.

I’d like to experience that.

I Don’t Know How to Pick a Feeling

This whole thing has just had me feeling a plethora of emotions.

I’m adventurous.

I’m scared.

I’m nervous.

I’m happy.

I’m excited.

But I don’t know how to pick a feeling.

I don’t know how to stick with a feeling.

I don’t even know if I’m supposed to.

I don’t mean—I don’t have to.

It’s not a requirement.

But for every post in my journal that I’ve ever made, I’ve been able to pinpoint an emotion for the day.

I expect that on Tuesday, when I’m supposed to leave, the emotion’s probably gonna be very heavy.

But I’m not for sure.

In my mind, I think, like, my gosh, this is gonna be sad.

This is a big move and I’m leaving.

What if that’s not the case?

What if I get in my car and drive off and I don’t feel like I should come back?

What if I get in my car and drive off and feel like, no, this isn’t for me, and turn back around?

There’s just so many unknowns.

Despite Being Afraid to Move, I’m Gonna Do It Anyways

I think part of the fear is I don’t know what’s gonna happen.

And so it’s really easy to get stuck in a situation because you are too afraid to move.

But this time, I’m saying, despite being afraid to move, I’m gonna do it anyways.

I’m going to let all those emotions live where they live.

I will feel them.

I will think about them.

I will logic them out.

I will reason with them.

I will hear them and give them a solution.

I will make them fixable.

If I’m scared, well, what has me scared?

Okay.

The drive.

That’s a perfect example.

Driving halfway across the country by myself.

That’s scary.

Just being a woman alone driving cross-country by yourself is scary.

Okay, so you’re scared.

What does that look like?

It Looks Like Putting Safeguards Into Place

For me, that looks like:

“Hey, husband, I know that you play poker every night. When I leave, I need you to be awake and on your phone, so if anything happens, I can call you.”

That looks like me telling friends and family:

“Hey, my location’s on. Track me. If it goes silent for a minute, wonder why.”

It’s:

“Hey, this is what my itinerary looks like. I should be here at this time. Check in to make sure I made it there.”

It looks like:

“Hey, if someone finds me hanging from a tree, I didn’t do it. I wouldn’t hang myself from a tree.”

But it’s having those conversations.

It looks like:

“Hey, so this is my plan for eating and getting gas.”

If I should have to, for whatever reason, veer from that plan, I will check in with you.

It’s being able to acknowledge the feeling and saying:

Okay.

That’s fixable.

I Can Acknowledge That It’s All There

Do I have to fix that I’m excited?

No.

But I have to tailor it.

I realize that in my excitement, other people are sad.

Procrastinating has been a big one.

I know that I need to pack.

I have not touched a single thing to pack.

I don’t know why.

I just haven’t.

But I can acknowledge that it’s all there.

I will probably get into a frenzy at some point and pack up the whole world and then be upset if I forgot something.

So I’ll make a list.

But I just...

I don’t know.

It’s a big change.

It’s a scary change.

I Can Celebrate Myself

I am getting ready to leave to the point where I will most likely spend my birthday by myself.

I can’t remember when I’ve spent my birthday by myself.

Even when I was a kid, birthdays were a big thing.

And this year, that could be drastically different.

But I’m gonna take what comes.

I will process it as necessary.

And then I’ll celebrate myself.

I’ll take myself out for dinner.

I’ll buy myself a present.

I’ll tell myself happy birthday.

Because I can celebrate myself.

Do I want to have to celebrate myself by myself?

No.

But I can.

And I think it’s time, long overdue, that I recognize that I can give myself my own flowers.

That I can celebrate me without having somebody else celebrate me.

And that’s a great feeling.

I Can Give Myself My Own Flowers

We tell people that they have to get comfortable with being with themselves.

And this year, that’s my move.

I am so proud of me for keeping up with my journal as long as I have.

And I continue to do so.

I will continue to do so.

But I’m proud of me for doing what I’ve done.

I’m growing.

And I hope that you’re growing with me.

I hope that you’re hearing these things and you’re listening to them and you’re saying:

“Yeah, that makes sense.”

“Yeah, no, I actually do think that is the way I can handle that.”

“Nope, I can challenge that thought because that doesn’t make any sense.”

“I can celebrate me.”

“I can buy myself my own flowers and put them in my room.”

So that’s my plan.

I’m going to celebrate me.

One day at a time, I’m gonna write this story.

That Doesn’t Mean the Book’s Over

And it looks like, for now, the chapter of this story stops on Tuesday, early morning, when I get in my car and I drive away.

That doesn’t mean the book’s over.

It just means this chapter, for now, is over.

And a new one starts.

So in this new one, who gets to be the main character?

Who gets to be the protagonist?

Who gets to be the hero?

And I think in every version of the story, that’s me.

My Bite of Pie

So my bite of pie today.

It’s Saturday, so that means laundry day.

My washing machine and my dryer both decided to go out at the same time.

Yay at me.

Love being a grown-up.

So we went to the laundromat today.

And I had a great time.

I don’t know what it is about doing laundry, guys, but I love doing laundry.

I recognize that it’s odd.

It’s just a thing that I do.

So I got to go do my laundry today.

And then I just got to be.

I had fun hanging with my dogs and hanging out with my husband.

I’ve been teasing a friend because why not?

And then I’ve had this other guy texting me all sappy about, like:

“My God, you’re leaving.”

“I’m gonna be so sad.”

“Please don’t ignore my phone calls.”

“Don’t go too far away from me.”

“Make sure you come back.”

And I’m just like, bro.

I’m not dying.

I’m just moving.

There’s a difference.

“But I’m just gonna miss you and I’m gonna cry myself to sleep.”

Okay.

What, bro?

I can’t do anything about that.

I can’t.

I could buy you a pacifier at best.

That’s what I could do for you.

And it’s not that I don’t sympathize with him.

I just know that there’s nothing I can do about it.

So he gets to feel all his emotions.

He gets to feel them.

Process them.

Find out which ones are fixable.

And come up with a plan.

Because that’s how it works.

For me.

For him.

For you.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.