Dear Cuddly Me: I Just Want to Be Taken Care Of

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How do you act?

When you get sick?

Are you a:

Leave me alone?

Kind of person?

Are you a:

Take care of me?

Kind of person?

When I get sick?

I turn into?

A huge baby.

I want to be held?

Until I fall asleep.

And then?

I want you?

To randomly check on me.

That's just?

How my brain works.

I just want?

To be taken care of.

And it doesn't matter?

How badly I'm sick.

Like?

It could just be:

I have a headache.

Love me.

Today Has Been a Day

Today?

Has been a day.

Last night?

I went to bed early?

Because my head was pounding.

I am not a person?

Who likes to overmedicate.

So I said:

You know what?

I will just go to bed early?

And reset.

So then?

I woke up?

With a headache.

And I said:

It's okay.

I'll be fine.

I'm gonna just?

Power through it.

You Don’t Look So Good

And I went to work.

And as I'm sitting?

In my first class?

The aide walks over?

And she goes:

You don't look so good.

Nope.

My head is pounding.

So?

She offered me some medicine.

I took it.

And that's how I know?

When things are bad for me.

If I voluntarily take medicine?

For something like a headache?

Please believe?

That it's at its peak.

At No Point Did My Headache Let Up

So I take the medicine?

And I'm waiting?

For it to kick in.

And at no point?

Did my headache let up today.

My head?

Has been pounding?

All day long.

Okay.

So I'm dealing with that.

And I'm driving home?

And all of a sudden?

I feel extremely nauseous.

Every Bump in the Road

And it's not unusual?

To feel nauseous?

With like a migraine.

But this?

Was one of those:

Every bump in the road?

I felt like?

I was going to actually vomit.

I don't typically vomit.

That's not a thing?

That I do.

It's very rare?

That I actually vomit.

But today?

I looked several times?

For a way out?

To the side of the road?

Just in case.

That's how bad?

I was feeling.

Did I Go to the Doctor? No.

I didn't vomit.

I made it safely home.

Did I go to the doctor?

No.

Have I made a doctor's appointment?

Also?

No.

I don't enjoy?

Going to the doctor's office.

Namely because?

They like to poke me with needles.

And I don't like needles.

And I haven't yet established?

A doctor out here.

So?

That's part of it.

And I really didn't want?

To go sit at urgent care?

For like?

Hours on end?

For something?

That isn't that big of a deal?

As far as I was concerned.

I’ve Been Complaining Since the 12th

But then?

I was wondering:

How long have I been complaining?

That I feel nauseous?

And so?

I looked up the information.

I've been complaining?

Since the 12th?

Of this month.

And for the last eight days?

I've had a headache.

So?

I'm not getting better.

No idea?

What's going on.

I Thought It Was Just a Head Cold

There's no reason?

Why I should be feeling sick.

I thought?

It was just like?

A head cold.

And that I was done with that.

I had the snuffles.

I had a stuffy nose.

And that's all?

Essentially gone away.

I don't know?

What's wrong.

And I know?

I'm going to have to go?

To the doctor.

We've gotta—

We're gonna have to see somebody.

But?

I don't wanna see anybody.

I Avoid It

It's not—

I don't like being told?

What's wrong with me.

So?

I avoid it.

It's not that?

I think there's anything?

Severely wrong.

I think?

It's that time of the year?

Where people get sick.

Especially again?

When you work at a school.

I just don't know?

If that would cause?

Nausea for 17 days.

Or?

A headache for eight.

The Noise Felt Like It Was Right There in My Ear

So?

I am pushing through?

The best way?

I know how.

It was to the point?

Where I was on the phone?

With Jason.

And he's watching?

A football game.

And the noise?

Coming from his phone?

Just felt like?

It was right there?

In my ear.

It's just bad.

And I don't know why.

I don't know why.

I don't like it.

I’m Sick of Going to Bed While It’s So Light Outside

I am sick?

Of going to bed?

While it's so light outside.

But?

Outside of going to the doctor?

That's all I can do.

I guess?

I could call my sister?

Or my brother?

And say:

Hey.

Can one of you take me?

I don't want to do that.

I Just Suffer Through It

I'm a very—

Quiet person.

Which is odd?

Because I do Dear Journal.

Right?

I don't let?

A lot of people know?

A lot of things.

I'm very close?

To the chest.

And I don't want?

To have to explain?

Why I'm going to the doctor?

Or why I feel sick.

Like?

I don't want?

To have those conversations.

So?

I just suffer through it.

That's what I'm doing.

It’s Right Behind My Eye

Even as I sit here?

Right now?

It's like?

Right here?

Behind my eye.

But I can feel it?

Moving?

Across my forehead.

I will probably?

Do something about it tomorrow?

If this is how?

I'm still feeling.

I hope not.

I hope?

That I feel better.

Energetic?

Like myself.

I could really use?

A day?

Where I feel like myself.

My Bite of Pie

My Bite of Pie today?

That I didn't complain.

I made it through the day.

So first class?

Was rough.

I managed to make it?

Through all the other classes?

Just fine.

I still interacted?

With my kiddos.

I played racquetball.

Like?

I did the things?

That I needed to do.

I Didn’t Let It Be the Reason I Didn’t Show Up

I didn't let it?

Be the reason?

Why I didn't show up?

And do my job today.

And while?

That doesn't necessarily sound?

Like something that should be?

My Bite of Pie?

I am very proud?

Of being able to say:

If something's not horrible?

Let me work through it.

And I'm glad?

I did that.

Like?

I'm glad I don't just say:

My gosh.

Something hurts.

And that's that.

I'm not—

I try not?

To be that person.

So for me?

That's my Bite of Pie today.

I Just Need to Figure Out What’s Going On With My Health

Anything else that's happened?

No.

I promise?

When I start to feel better?

We'll get back into?

Our regular routine?

Of me doing everything?

With Dear Journal.

I just need?

To figure out?

What's going on?

With my health.

I'm really hoping?

It's nothing.

Because?

I don't know?

If I could take?

More of a hit?

Right now?

With everything else?

Going on in life.

I mean?

Things need to just—

Be easy.

I Got Off Work Early Today

So?

That has been my day.

I did get off work?

Early today.

So that was?

Really exciting.

I wasn't expecting it.

And then?

Apparently tomorrow?

We have a short day.

So?

That's kind of cool.

I don't yet?

Have plans?

For the weekend.

I think?

We're gonna play that by ear?

Depending?

On how I feel.

I'd like?

To go do something?

And not sit?

In my room?

All day long.

But?

We will see.

I Don’t Know Yet How I’m Writing That Story

I don't know how I'm yet—

I don't know yet?

How I'm writing that story.

It's a work in progress.

I'm also working?

On another project?

With Jason.

Which?

I'm kind of excited about.

So there are things happening.

There are things moving.

I just have to get?

My strength up?

To complete it all?

Without stressing myself out.

I Have to Learn How to Take Care of Myself

And?

I have to learn?

How to do that?

Without resorting back?

To the cuddle monster?

I like to be.

Because?

I'm by myself.

I don't have anyone?

To take care of me.

And to cuddle me.

And check in on me?

Like that.

That is not?

A thing right now.

So?

I get to be?

A big girl.

And take care?

Of myself?

And my own needs.

Instead of being?

A big baby about it.

And dragging my feet?

And hoping someone just says:

Okay.

Let's go to the doctor.

That’s My Life Today

So?

That's—

That's my life today.

It's probably more exciting?

Than I'm explaining right now.

Again?

I apologize.

My head is killing me.

But I did want?

To make sure?

That I did my journal tonight.

I hope?

That wherever you are?

You feel ten times better?

Than I do.

That you're able?

To relax?

And enjoy your day.

And you're not ill?

Or worried?

About what shoe?

Is gonna drop next.

And that you just remember:

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Alive Me: I’m Alive, I’m Here, and Things Are Looking Up

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Have you ever felt so unlike yourself?

That you can't do the things?

That you want to do?

For the last three or four days?

I've just been out of it.

I don't usually get sick.

But when I do get sick?

It's done and over with.

There Was No Way I Could Get Anything Done

As of Saturday night?

I started to feel a little ill.

Sunday?

I was like:

Nope.

Not making it out of bed.

Monday?

Didn't make it to work.

Couldn't even stay awake.

Yesterday?

Was kind of in between.

And guys?

If I could have gotten up?

And sat in this chair?

And wrote my journal?

Please know?

That I would have.

There was no way?

I could get anything done.

I got literally nothing done.

It Felt Like I Lost a Day

I was in bed?

All day long.

And then I woke up?

And just was so unaware?

Of what was going on?

In my life.

Like?

I lost a day.

Obviously?

I'd been sleeping.

But?

It felt like?

So much more than that.

I felt just discombobulated.

Things didn't make sense.

I was like?

Jolting awake.

Getting out of bed?

To go take a shower?

Was difficult.

All because?

I wasn't feeling well.

I Need to Write My Journal

And I felt bad.

Because it was like:

Well?

I need to write my journal.

I need to write my journal.

I need to write my journal.

But?

I hope you guys understood.

I am alive.

I'm here.

I am well.

And all sense of the word?

I'm actually doing really well.

I’m Doing Things for Me in a Different Way

I am doing things for me?

In a different way?

Than I usually do.

I've been ahead?

On schoolwork.

I've been ahead?

With what I need to do?

For work.

I've been planning things?

And budgeting things?

Better than I usually do.

I am communicating?

With those who want?

To communicate with me.

I'm not overextending myself?

To people who don't want?

To be a part of my life.

I am doing—

I'm doing well.

I Didn’t Expect It

I didn't expect it.

There's still parts of me?

That won't acknowledge?

Some of the things?

That have happened?

In the last couple of weeks.

Today?

I kinda got shoved in my face?

A little bit.

But?

I handled it.

And I'm still here.

And I'm still smiling.

Don’t Mind My Hair

And don't mind my hair.

It's parting itself?

In a different way today.

I actually really like it.

I'm usually?

A down-the-middle-part?

Kind of girl.

My hair has decided?

This week?

That it wants?

To do its own crazy thing.

And I said:

Sure.

Why not?

And this?

Is kind of what I got.

Literally Nothing Has Happened

It's been?

Interesting.

Like?

I wouldn't even have?

Anything to share?

With you guys.

Because literally?

Nothing has happened.

I was bedridden?

For the last four days.

Three days.

I didn't really talk?

To anybody.

I didn't go anywhere.

I didn't even open?

My blinds.

I didn't even want?

To see the outside.

I was just?

Not having any part of it.

Today I Got Up Early

But today?

I got up early.

Don't know why.

Got dressed.

Danced my way to work.

And I do mean?

Dance.

Get the music going.

I even took?

The way that I knew?

Would have more traffic today.

I don't—

I don't know why.

I didn't feel like?

Doing all the detours.

So I'm like:

You know what?

We'll just sit in traffic today.

It Felt So Good to Be Out of the House

And it felt so good?

To be out of the house.

And to just be?

In my body?

And in my head.

I had a great time.

I stopped?

And got myself?

Some yummy breakfast.

Because I feel like?

You should treat yourself?

To something good?

When you manage?

To make it out of bed?

After four days.

So?

I did that.

Something’s Swinging Around

I found out?

That my kiddos?

Weren't actually at school this week?

Because they were also?

Not feeling well.

Something's swinging around.

And it's hitting hard already.

So I'm hoping?

To avoid getting sick again.

But?

When you work at a school?

These things happen.

I don't know.

Things are looking up.

What Would My Life Look Like?

Not in the way?

That I thought?

That they would.

Someone asked me:

If you had to envision?

What your life would look like?

What would it look like?

And I said:

I'd have a house?

With a porch.

I've always wanted?

A porch.

And I'd have?

A playset outside?

In my yard?

For my nieces?

And nephews.

And I'd have?

My dogs.

And they're like:

You don't have a partner?

I’m Done Trying to Figure Out if Someone’s Gonna Choose Me

And I said:

You know?

At this point?

I am done?

Trying to figure out?

If someone's gonna choose me.

If I'm their choice.

If I'm what they want.

And I think?

I've given up?

On that idea?

That I could be that person?

To somebody.

So no.

I don't—

I don't believe?

That I'm somebody's somebody.

And I know?

That's sad.

At Some Point I Have to Stop Living My Life for Everybody Else

It's not that?

I don't recognize?

How sad it is?

Or what that means.

It's just?

At some point in time?

I have to realize?

That I have to stop?

Living my life?

For everybody else.

To impress somebody.

To get somebody.

To keep somebody.

It has to be?

Just for me.

My House, My Dogs, My Family

And I think?

That's what I meant?

By:

My house.

My dogs.

Playset?

For my nieces?

And nephews.

It's:

I did that?

For me.

Not because?

I wanted a guy?

To love me?

And to want me.

That all stemmed?

From my idea?

Of what relationships?

Are supposed to look like.

I Always Thought I Needed to Be a Wife and a Mother

I have always thought?

That I needed?

To be a wife?

And a mother.

And that?

That's how I would know?

That I had?

A great relationship.

I'd meet my husband.

We'd fall in love.

We'd get married.

We'd have?

A child together.

Voila.

Clearly?

That was how?

It's supposed to be.

I am married.

He has a kid.

I'm in California.

He's in Kansas.

Voila?

Did not happen.

Does a Failed Marriage Mean That I Failed?

And it's something?

That I've struggled with.

Because it's a:

Does a failed marriage?

Mean that I failed?

Does my relationship?

Not working?

The way that I want it to?

Mean that I'm a failure?

That I did?

Something wrong?

And it's something?

I've toyed with?

Back and forth?

For quite some time now.

Because those feelings?

Are strong.

Divorce Has Never Been the Answer

I grew up?

In a household?

Where divorce?

Has never been the answer.

You stick with your marriage.

You stick in the relationship.

No matter?

What is going on.

And I've always held?

Those ideas?

To be really valuable.

But even?

In its value?

I have to acknowledge?

That I don't think marriage?

Is supposed to be?

Living states away.

It's supposed to be?

Working together.

Right Now, I Don’t Know What That Looks Like

And I don't know.

Right now?

I don't know?

What that looks like.

I don't know?

What that means.

I don't know?

Where that goes.

I'm not overanalyzing it.

I'm just enjoying?

It being me.

And?

It feels good.

It feels right.

My Bite of Pie

So?

My Bite of Pie today?

I had a great day.

It was just?

An overall great day.

There were pieces?

Of the day?

That didn't go?

The way that I wanted them to.

And I still?

Walked away smiling.

I let the good?

Outweigh?

Any of the bad.

And that's?

A big deal for me.

Calling it?

A win.

I’m Fine. I’m Alive. Things Are Going Well.

It's not?

A super long podcast tonight.

Because?

I am still?

Getting my bearings.

I am still?

Getting back to being?

100%.

But I wanted?

To make sure?

That I checked in?

And said:

I'm fine.

I'm alive.

Things are going well.

And I'm happy?

To be here.

So?

My story?

Doesn't ever involve?

Me being sick.

However?

Sometimes?

My story writes that?

For me.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Silly Me: We’re Not in the Business of Making Sense

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever been the cause?

Of yourself?

Doing something really ridiculous?

So right now?

I feel congested.

My head feels like it's blowing up.

I woke up feeling nauseous.

Not like because I've eaten something?

But because?

It feels like there's something in my throat.

I've also been sleeping?

With my window open?

At like 50-something degrees.

And Then I Wonder Why I Feel Sick

I recognize?

That it makes no sense.

Especially since?

The house that I'm at?

Keeps the AC going as well.

And so what I do?

Is I make my room freezing cold.

And then?

I bury underneath all these blankets.

And then I wonder:

Gee.

Why do I feel sick?

But as I was thinking about that today?

I realized?

I do things like that?

With a lot of different things.

I Had an 11 O’Clock Meet and Greet

Today?

I woke up?

And I had a meet and greet?

That I'm supposed to have?

At 11.

No big deal.

Got up in time.

Got dressed.

Was early.

10:45.

10:50.

11 o'clock.

11:05.

Okay.

Well?

Is this still happening?

So I reach out?

And I ask.

And I'm just like:

Yeah.

Let me check in?

With the other person?

See what's going on.

And so?

They check in.

And it's like:

They said just ten more minutes.

Okay.

I’ve Got to Respect My Own Time

11:15.

11:25.

By 11:30?

They've gotten on.

And it was—

I was getting frustrated.

But?

Not frustrated enough?

To do something about it.

Because at the same time?

I've got to respect?

My own time.

Right?

And I didn't do that.

I sat.

And I waited.

And I do that?

A lot.

I demand respect?

Inside.

But outwardly?

I don't really say anything.

That Doesn’t Make a Whole Lot of Sense

Doesn't make?

A whole lot of sense.

I'm obviously not gonna get?

What I need?

By allowing everybody?

To walk all over me like that.

That's just?

That's not how that works.

And so?

I've just been like that?

All day today.

I Had This Strong Craving for Birria Tacos

I was just:

Oh my gosh.

I had this strong craving?

For birria tacos.

They sound so amazing?

Right now.

And so I said:

Okay.

I'm gonna find a place.

I'm gonna get up.

I'm going to leave my house.

Because as of recently?

Me and DoorDash?

Are like?

The best of friends.

I'm going to get up?

And leave my house?

To go get birria.

This Does Not Look Like the Place

And I get up?

And I go.

And first?

I'm like:

This does not look like the place.

Let me circle back again.

And I use just that?

To find out?

That they're closed.

And the normal reaction?

Is:

Okay.

They're closed.

Maybe have something else.

My reaction?

I got up?

And got out of bed?

To eat at this specific place.

Now?

I'm just not eating anything.

I'm just done.

I am done?

For the day.

I Did Eat, Don’t Worry

I did eat.

Don't worry.

I did end up DoorDashing something.

I did end up DoorDashing?

Birria quesadillas.

They were not the same.

It didn't even come?

With the consommé.

Which kind of made me mad?

Because that's part?

Of the birria experience.

But?

I feel like things like that happen often?

Where I kind of?

Set myself up?

To fail.

It Had a Number I Could Call

It had a number?

Where I could call?

The order.

And because of?

My inability to call people?

Apparently?

Because I don't like doing it?

I was like:

No.

No.

I'll just drive there.

And in my head?

I know I'm gonna try again tomorrow?

Hoping for a different result?

Instead of?

Just calling.

Because?

Using the phone is hard.

Sometimes?

I just set myself up?

For failure.

Excuse me.

And I don't mean?

To do that.

Tonight I’m Trying Something New

Okay.

Tonight?

I'm trying something new.

I am trying a new drink?

That—

It's new to me.

But in the same wheelhouse?

As the things?

That I usually drink.

It's a tea.

It sounded really good.

So I said:

Okay.

Let me buy it.

And then?

There was another tea drink?

That was offered.

And like:

That also sounds good.

Let me buy it.

So I Bought Two Drinks

So?

I bought two drinks.

I'm waiting for them?

To be delivered.

Don't need two drinks.

No.

But?

They both sounded good.

And I couldn't choose.

So?

I got both.

Although?

I'm worried?

That I'm not gonna like?

Either of them.

But that's how my brain works.

Well?

How about we try one?

And see if we even like the place?

No.

No.

That would make sense.

We’re Not in the Business of Making Sense

And we're not in the business?

Of making sense.

We're in the business?

Of making decisions.

Even when they're wrong.

I stand on that.

So?

I am patiently waiting?

For my two drinks?

To get delivered.

So that I can hopefully?

Enjoy them.

And if not?

I'm gonna be?

Very sad?

And thirsty.

I Have a Drink in the Fridge

I have a drink in the fridge.

But?

It's root beer.

And I really don't want?

Root beer.

I mean?

I like root beer.

I just don't want?

Root beer.

Because that's always?

How it works.

I will have something?

And not want?

What I have.

Which is?

The story of my life?

In all things.

But What If I Could Be Happier?

Hey.

I have this great guy.

Mmm.

Yeah.

But?

Can I have like?

Greater?

Like?

Is there better?

Well?

But what you have is great.

Yeah.

But—

Nope.

There's no buts.

Just live your life?

And be happy.

But?

What if?

I could be happier?

You know?

What if?

What if it could just?

Be perfect?

Girl.

There is no perfect.

Like?

Snap out of it.

I Am Really Good at Sabotaging Myself

And it's not that?

Things can't be great.

They can be.

But I also know?

That I am really good?

At sabotaging myself.

And the things that I want?

And the things that I need?

By being ultra picky.

And ultra:

But what if?

But what if?

And as much as?

That quality about me?

Annoys me?

It amuses me?

Even more.

It just makes me feel?

Silly.

In Some Areas of My Life, It Works Really Well

Because in some areas?

Of my life?

It works really well.

When it comes down to jobs?

I strive for a job?

That I like.

That pays me well.

That's going to respect my time.

Despite today?

Not respecting my time.

But when it comes to?

Relationships?

Or foods?

There are tons of things?

That I like to eat.

And that in theory?

I would like to try.

But because?

I already like something?

In this wheelhouse?

It's a wrap.

Folks?

Can't do it.

Sorry, I Don’t Make the Rules

Sorry.

I don't make the rules.

But?

I do follow them.

And I recognize?

That's actually not how that works.

But?

It's one of my silly quirks.

And I've learned?

To just accept?

Some of the things?

That I do.

My Bite of Pie

My Bite of Pie today?

Let's see.

I did?

I very well got up?

Got dressed?

And got out of the house today.

I was so proud of myself.

Because?

I look for every excuse?

Not to leave my house?

When I don't have to.

And today?

I'm like:

No.

I'm going to get dressed.

I'm gonna grab my wallet?

And my shoes.

I'm gonna grab my keys.

I'm gonna hit the road.

And Then It Reinforced Why I Don’t Do That

And then?

Like?

It reinforced?

Why I don't do that.

I will try again.

I will have to get over?

The idea?

That today did not work.

It's okay?

That today did not work.

It was a gorgeous day outside.

You wouldn't know?

Because I blacked out my room?

And then was like:

Nope.

Done for the day.

I am clocking out.

It Was Just Simple

And it wasn't?

A bad day.

It was just?

Simple.

Silly.

But?

In the best of ways.

I'm hoping?

Tomorrow's better.

We will see.

I have a plan?

For how I want tomorrow?

To go.

But?

I feel like?

If I say it out loud?

It won't happen.

Which is weird.

Because everyone's like:

Speak things into existence.

And I'm like:

If I say it out loud?

That's the exact opposite?

That's gonna happen.

Again?

Silly me.

It's how I work.

And You Think I Closed My Window?

But today?

Has been?

In a nutshell?

A great day.

Besides the fact?

That I feel sick?

With my window open.

And you think?

I closed my window?

No.

No.

Because again?

That would make sense.

Hey.

You feel sick.

That's probably because?

Of the cold.

You should close your window.

Nah.

We can't do that.

It feels good?

Even though?

It feels bad.

That’s the Story of My Life

I feel like?

That's the story of my life.

It feels good?

To do it?

Even though I know?

That's gonna hurt me later.

So?

Let's keep up the trend.

I don't know.

Today?

That's how I'm writing?

My story.

Current me?

Is just throwing caution?

To the wind.

Future me?

Is going to be really upset?

When I'm actually sick.

Again.

Because?

I don't like taking medicine.

Sometimes It’s Okay to Do the Silly Things

But?

Sometimes?

It's okay?

To do the silly things.

Sometimes?

It's okay?

To not have everything together.

Not have everything?

Be perfect.

I can live like that.

See?

Not feeling well.

So just remember:

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Changing Me: I’m Handling Things Differently

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever stopped to think?

About the changes you're making?

In your life?

Not that you are better?

To the point where?

You don't need to continue changing.

But it's—

It's like?

You notice?

That you handle things differently.

That's what I'm feeling.

I'm handling things differently.

I'm having better conversations.

I'm controlling my emotions.

It's better.

Today Was Just an Easy Day

So today?

I was having a typical day.

Got up.

Did breakfast.

Just kind of relaxed?

Before I went into work.

Nothing special.

Nothing big.

Just?

An easy day.

And it indeed?

Was just an easy day.

I talked to a friend today.

And I think?

It was in the way?

I approached the conversation?

That made it different.

I Felt Like I Was a Disappointment

First?

I talked to one friend.

And I felt really crappy.

I felt like?

I was a disappointment.

Because she's really important to me?

And I've been missing her life.

And that's on me.

Because?

I could do so much better.

And then?

It was learning?

The things that were going on?

In her life.

And I was like:

Wow.

I am really absent.

I Just Kind of Fall Back

And then I started to think?

Just how absent?

I am?

In other people's lives.

That I just?

Kind of fall back.

I don't necessarily mean?

To do it.

I just get caught up?

In my own head.

And I just—

Fall apart?

I guess.

So this morning?

I wanted her to know?

I was thinking of her.

And I reached out to her.

I Literally Missed This Big Thing in Her Life

And she let me know?

That she had sent me?

A message on TikTok.

And somehow?

I had completely missed it?

Because TikTok?

Is a pain in my butt recently.

And I got on there?

And I was like:

Oh my gosh.

I literally missed?

This big thing?

In her life.

And I apologized.

Because?

I wasn't intentional?

In any way?

Shape?

Or form.

And she deserved?

So much more excitement?

And enjoyment?

In that moment.

And I felt really bad?

That I let her down.

I Could Do That Better

But then?

Even after talking to her?

I think that's when?

I started to discover?

How different I am.

How the small changes?

Have come about.

Because?

I would've beat myself up?

Really badly.

And it's not that?

I'm not sorry?

For what I did?

Or for being so absent.

I am.

But?

I didn't turn it into?

This personal:

You suck at everything?

Kind of deal.

I took it as:

I could do that better.

I could work on that.

There Were Other Relationships Where I Just Fall Silent

And then?

As I was processing?

All of that?

It occurred to me?

That there were other relationships?

Where I just fall silent.

So I was talking?

To another friend today.

And I was like:

Well?

You know?

Here's an update on my life.

Because?

I've been really quiet.

And they were just?

Really appreciative?

That I updated them as well.

It felt good?

To talk to them.

It felt good?

To get things off my chest.

I Wasn’t Expecting a Response Like I Usually Do

But I think?

What was the most important part?

Of that?

Was?

When I said things?

I wasn't expecting?

A response?

Like I usually do.

So when I?

In the past?

Have shared:

This is what's going on?

With my life.

I expected someone?

To come back?

With equally as much information.

Because?

That told me?

That I was a part?

Of their life.

Or?

I needed the reassurance?

That you wanted me?

To be a part?

Of your life.

And today?

That wasn't—

That wasn't the case.

There You Go. That’s the Update.

I spoke about my life.

And what was going on.

And I was just kinda like:

There you go.

That's the update.

And I didn't look for:

Yes.

You're important.

Yes.

I'm glad you told me.

It was just?

There's the information.

And I got back responses.

And the responses?

Were all nice.

But?

It was the lack?

Of expecting it.

I Have Gotten So Used to Fighting for Reassurance

I have gotten so used?

To fighting for reassurance?

That I don't know?

How to settle?

In my own words.

It sounds crazy.

Because what I mean is?

I have to have someone?

Approve?

Or check off?

What I'm saying.

Oh my gosh.

You said that?

That's correct.

Oh my gosh.

That means a lot.

But?

My words mean something?

Even when somebody?

Doesn't agree with them.

Even when someone?

Doesn't like them.

Even when?

They're not appreciated.

Today It Was Speaking My Peace and Being Okay With It

And so today?

It was speaking my peace?

And then?

Being okay with it.

I did just that.

I didn't need you?

To give me this praise?

That I didn't need.

I just?

Was okay.

I was able?

To tell someone?

That I love them?

And not care?

If they said it back.

And maybe?

Not caring?

Isn't the correct term.

I just wasn't?

Waiting to hear it.

My Loving Them Wasn’t Based on Them Loving Me

Because?

My loving them?

Wasn't based?

On them loving me.

And in the past?

Everything has been based on:

Oh my gosh.

How are they gonna feel about that?

Oh my gosh.

Am I bothering them?

Oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh.

But?

It was always?

In my head.

It was in my head.

Today I Gave Myself a Much Needed Break

So today?

I did lots of that.

Today?

I gave myself?

A much needed break.

I laughed.

I joked.

I played.

I did schoolwork.

I had?

A really good day.

There are still?

Some things?

That I'm figuring out.

I realize?

That there's still?

Some emotion?

That I'm not dealing with.

That I'm not processing.

And it'll come?

In its own due time.

I don't have to have?

Everything figured out?

Right this moment.

I Can’t Rush Growth

It's okay?

For me to change?

And to grow?

At my own pace.

I can't rush growth.

I might want to.

I might want to decide?

That overnight?

My mental health?

Should just be better.

But?

That's not how it works.

Every day?

I'm changing.

Every day?

I'm learning.

And that's okay.

Sometimes I’m Gonna Get It Wrong

Sometimes?

I'm gonna get it wrong.

And I'm going to be angry?

When I get it wrong.

I'm going to be upset?

With myself.

It's okay.

I can try again.

And some days?

I'm gonna do things?

So perfectly?

That I'm going to doubt myself.

Like:

I had to have done?

Something wrong.

There's no way?

I understood that.

There's no way?

I pulled that off.

Something doesn't make sense.

Maybe You’re Learning and You’ve Just Gotten Better

And those days?

Are okay too.

Because?

I'll talk myself through it.

And I'll say:

You know what?

Maybe you're learning.

And you've just?

Gotten better.

Maybe I've gotten better?

With working through?

My emotions.

Or talking them through.

Or thinking them through.

Maybe I've gotten better?

With using?

My wise mind?

And my rational mind?

My emotional mind?

Maybe I've learned?

How to put all those together.

And?

Life's just working out.

What If I’m Just Learning How to Be the Way I Need to Be?

What if that's the case?

What if?

I'm just learning?

How to be?

The way that I need to be?

I'm changing.

And it doesn't matter?

If everybody else?

Sees the change.

I know?

That there's a change.

And at some point?

That has to outweigh?

What everybody else thinks?

That they notice?

And they see.

I’m Not Living Life for Them

I'm not living life?

For them.

I have one life?

To live.

And I have to make?

The most of it.

Regardless?

Of what anybody else thinks.

So?

I'm working on changing.

And I'm seeing?

The changes.

I'm noticing?

The changes.

I'm liking?

The changes.

And that's?

The best that I can do.

My Bite of Pie

My Bite of Pie today?

I saw someone struggling.

And I took action.

I didn't wait?

To be told.

I didn't wait?

For them to ask?

For help.

I saw a need?

And I just fulfilled it.

And I think?

Sometimes?

We forget?

How hard it is?

To ask for help.

We see people drowning?

And we expect them?

To always say:

I'm drowning.

And that's not always?

How that works.

I Saw Them Struggling and Said, Here, Let Me Help You

I saw them drowning.

I saw them struggling.

And I said:

Here.

Let me help you.

And I did?

Just that.

I helped.

And then?

When it was all said and done?

They came and were like:

Did you do that?

And I said:

Yes.

Thank you.

I saw?

That they needed the help.

I took care?

Of the things?

That they needed.

That's how it works.

I Wasn’t Looking for Praise

I wasn't looking?

For a thank you.

I wasn't looking?

For praise.

I saw somebody?

Who needed somebody else?

To step in.

And that's?

All it should take.

Hey.

You saw me struggling?

And you said:

Hey.

Here's my hand.

That's my Bite of Pie today.

You Can Be Proud of the Changes You’re Making

So if you are learning?

And you're growing?

And you're changing?

I'm glad?

To have you here with me.

I'm glad?

That you see?

That there are some things?

That you could work on.

And that it's okay?

To work on them?

And not be ashamed of it.

You can be proud?

Of the changes?

That you're making.

Because?

They're meaningful?

To you.

And that's?

All that matters.

Today?

We just write?

A new page.

We make it?

As great as we can.

Because we just remember:

Today is another page in the story.

It doesn’t have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Masked Me: I’m Tired of Masking

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

What do you do?

When you're standing in front of someone?

And they still don't seem to see you?

It's not that you're invisible.

It's not that you're even doing that great of a job?

At trying to hide.

You're just?

Not seen.

I Reached Out and Called Someone

Today was a work day.

And I went to bed early last night.

I woke up in the middle of the night?

Because for some reason?

That's my thing now.

And the first thing I did?

Was reach out?

And call someone.

And it wasn't one of those:

I'm afraid?

And I need someone?

To calm me down?

Conversations.

Or an:

I need a pep talk?

Kind of conversation.

It was one of those conversations?

You make late at night?

To someone you care about?

Just to kind of chit-chat?

And smile about.

That’s Not What Happened

That's not what happened.

And it's not that?

I don't understand?

Why that didn't happen.

Because I do.

They were frustrated?

With what they had going on.

I thought?

Just for a moment?

My calling?

Would make them smile.

And they were just?

Really frustrated.

So I got off the phone.

Because they were yelling.

Not yelling at me.

They were just upset?

And yelling?

And begging?

And things.

So?

I got off the phone.

I Decided to Try Again

And I sat for a moment?

With what just happened?

Before I decided?

To try again.

So I called back.

And that time?

I got more of a smile?

And a laugh.

I was being silly.

You know?

I called back.

So that's kind of funny.

And then?

It went right back?

To frustration.

And again?

Not with me.

And I could acknowledge?

It wasn't with me.

I Wanted Connection and Laughter and Playfulness

But the effect I wanted to have?

And the effect I was actually having?

Were two drastically different things.

I wanted connection.

Laughter.

Playfulness.

And that wasn't available.

I couldn't give that to somebody?

The way that I wanted to give it to them.

To make them smile?

And make their day better?

Because we were talking.

That wasn't the case.

So I got off the phone.

And?

I went back to sleep.

I Woke Up Feeling Off

I woke up this morning?

And I just felt off.

But?

I got up.

I got dressed.

And started my day.

Typical me.

Rewarded myself with Starbucks?

Because girl's gotta have breakfast.

And I pull up to work?

And I'm sitting there.

And I am processing?

The best way I know how.

I Could Feel Myself Dissociate From It

And it's not so much?

The processing part?

That was the problem.

It was knowing?

What was going to happen.

I had all these feelings?

Going through my body.

And I could feel myself?

Dissociate from it.

Well?

You have to work.

You have to get up.

You have to work.

You have to get out of your car.

You're working with kids.

They don't get to see that.

They Don’t Get to See That

They don't get to see that.

It's not their responsibility?

To see that?

And deal with it.

I would never put that?

On them.

So I was talking to a friend?

And I said:

Yeah.

You know?

I'm pretty good?

At masking up.

It's something?

That I've learned to do.

To wear a mask.

Pretend I'm okay?

When I'm not okay.

Smile?

When I'm falling apart.

It's 43 years?

Of work.

And So I Did

And so?

I did.

I went to work.

And you would think?

That everything was fine.

Because I didn't let on?

Anything else.

I laughed.

I played.

I hung out.

I joked.

I did?

All the things?

I was supposed to do.

And I got off of work.

And I got in my car.

Then I Got a Text Message

And then?

I got a text message.

And the text message?

Was a nice one.

Simple.

I just didn't know?

How to convey?

What I needed to say.

I saw the message?

And all the feelings?

Instantly came back.

How do I—

How do I respond?

To such a message?

The message said:

I love you.

And?

I didn't know how to respond.

I Didn’t Know How to Respond

It seems silly?

Thinking about it.

Saying it out loud.

And yet?

I didn't know how to respond.

At that point?

It wasn't even so much?

That I was numb.

It was just?

Nothing was there.

And so I mulled it over?

For a while.

And I thought?

About just not responding?

To the message.

And that seemed rude.

So?

I picked up the phone?

And I called.

Are You Okay?

And the first question was:

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I'm okay.

Are you not angry anymore?

Well?

I never was angry with you.

And I think?

It gave the misconception?

As to that's what my thought was.

That was never my thought.

I didn't think?

They were angry with me.

I just thought?

That I meant enough?

At this point?

That I could have?

A positive influence?

On their day.

And that wasn't the case.

I’m Here

And I kept being asked:

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

And I kept saying:

I'm here.

I'm here.

And I kept being asked?

If I was okay.

And finally?

I said:

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm okay.

I wasn't okay.

I Finally Acknowledged I Don’t Feel Well

And at some point?

I finally acknowledged:

I don't feel well.

I know.

That's why I keep asking?

If you're okay.

And then?

I got quiet.

Because?

I was starting to get anxious.

And I didn't know?

What more to say.

But I could feel?

The mask was slipping.

I Think I Should Get Off the Phone Now

And rather than?

Have somebody else deal with that?

I said:

I think?

I should get off the phone now.

And I'm almost certain?

That I heard them say:

Okay.

Well?

Call me if you need me.

If you want to talk about it later.

And I said:

Okay.

And then essentially?

Got off the phone.

Because You Don’t Cry When You’re Wearing a Mask

And as I drove?

I could feel?

My eyes starting to tear up.

But?

I never cried.

Because?

You don't cry?

When you're wearing a mask.

Nobody would notice.

I guess?

It's the best time to cry?

Because nobody would notice.

But it seems like?

A great way?

To make your mask?

All stuffy?

And gross.

So?

I didn't cry.

I Just Kinda Sat in It

And then I thought:

Well?

Maybe I should call somebody else?

And work through it.

But?

I didn't do that either.

I just kinda?

Sat in it.

Sat with it.

When they say?

That you should check?

On your strong friends?

It's because?

They've learned?

To hide things?

Really well.

We laugh.

We joke.

We play.

While on the inside?

Falling to pieces.

I’ve Got a Lot of Big Emotions Going On Right Now

I'm not necessarily?

Falling to pieces.

I wouldn't say?

That I am.

I would say?

That I've got?

A lot of big emotions?

Going on right now.

I don't know?

Where to place them.

I don't know?

How to handle them.

Today?

I had a thought?

That I did not like.

But?

Stopped there.

I just—

Today?

I'm tired of masking.

All I Wanted Was to Get to the House

And so?

Because I'm tired of masking?

All I wanted?

To do today?

Was get to the house.

Do my podcast.

Order some dinner.

Eat.

And go to bed.

It's five o'clock here.

It's nowhere near time for bed.

And I'm not gonna do that?

Because I recognize?

The headspace?

I'm putting myself in?

To do that.

At Some Point I Will Call Somebody

At some point in time?

I will call somebody?

And have them?

Help me through it?

To a degree.

As much as?

I can let someone?

Help me through it.

Or?

I'll just put on a mask?

And act like everything's okay.

And joke.

And laugh.

Because?

I don't wanna talk about it.

And dissociating sometimes?

Is the easiest way?

To navigate.

Although?

Obviously?

You're not navigating?

My feelings.

My Chest Feels Heavy

I think?

A lot of things?

Have happened?

In this week.

And I've had?

A lot of things?

To wade through?

As far as emotions.

And I have yet?

To finish processing?

All the emotions?

And thoughts?

That I've had.

They feel heavy.

My chest feels heavy.

It's what I kept thinking?

On my drive home.

Ugh.

My chest feels really heavy.

It feels like?

There's something?

Sitting on it.

I Made It Home

But?

I made it home.

And I'm here.

And despite?

What I'm feeling?

And what I'm saying?

I recognize?

That I'm smiling.

Almost as if?

I'm wearing a mask again.

Because sometimes?

That's the easiest thing?

For me to do.

That's how I feel today.

My Bite of Pie

My Bite of Pie?

I figured out?

A project?

I was working on.

Really proud of it.

It's almost done.

Started another project?

Because why not?

I got my kiddo?

That I work with?

To actually sit?

And talk with me today.

I've been with my kid?

For over a month now.

And they actually?

Sat there next to me?

And talked to me today.

That felt nice.

I Was There Physically

I didn't have?

A horrible day.

I just wasn't?

Emotionally involved?

In my day.

I was there physically.

I went through the motions.

I can tell you?

What happened?

And how it happened.

I couldn't tell you?

Any feelings?

Or sentiments?

Behind them.

Because that part of me?

Was closed today.

She wasn't available.

I couldn't make her available.

There Are Gonna Be Some Days That Are Just Hard

So I guess?

What I'm saying is?

There are gonna be?

Some days?

That are just hard.

And we're gonna hide?

Behind a mask?

Because for some reason?

That is easier?

Than opening up to somebody?

About what's going on?

In our heads.

We can't hide forever.

It's not healthy for us.

It's not healthy?

For anybody.

But?

I understand why we do it.

I Don’t Have to Name Them Yet

When we don't feel?

Like there's a person?

We can trust?

And talk to?

And work through?

All the convoluted thoughts?

We have going on?

In our head.

I don't mean convoluted?

As in like?

We're thinking?

Of hurting ourselves?

Or anything like that.

There's just?

A lot of emotion?

That we are trying to process.

And they aren't congruent.

They don't always match up.

They don't always make sense.

I'm sure?

I could sit down?

And write them all out.

But?

That might actually?

Solve the problem.

Right?

I’m Not Yet Ready to Acknowledge the Feelings I’m Having

Usually?

When I say things?

Or I write things out loud?

I can work through them.

But?

I don't think?

I'm yet ready?

To acknowledge?

The feelings that I'm having.

I know?

That they're there.

And I know?

That they're big.

But I don't have to?

Name them yet.

I don't have to?

Assign them yet.

Because once I assign them?

Then I have to process?

On why they exist.

And?

I'm not in the headspace?

For that yet.

This Is Just It Today

So if you're like me?

And there are days?

Where you put on a mask?

And you're just like:

This is just it today.

This is what you get.

I am physically here.

I can do all the things?

I need to do.

I can manage?

Quite well.

I'm really good?

At doing the things?

That I need to do.

I'm just not?

Emotionally available?

To check in?

With any of those things.

I get that.

I understand that.

I've waded?

Through that water?

More often?

Than I should.

But That’s Life

But?

That's life.

And we get through it.

We work through it.

We share it.

We sit with it.

Even when?

We don't enjoy it?

We process it.

And then?

We decide?

If it's something?

We need to keep?

Or if it's something?

We need to let go.

And right now?

I think?

That's where?

The big feelings come from.

I'm not quite sure.

Today My Page Was Awkward

So?

Today my page?

In my story?

Was awkward.

It was full?

Of positive things?

That I can't even?

Interpret as positive?

At the moment.

Because my feelings?

Are closed off.

And once I open them?

Then I can sit there?

Like:

This was great because of this.

And because of that.

And this happened.

And wow.

What a day.

But?

That means?

Letting all those emotions?

Come into play.

And right now?

She's not available for that.

And that's okay too.

We just have to remember:

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Strong Me: Sometimes Being Strong Means Protecting Your Own Peace

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever had to go through something?

That you were for sure?

You couldn't handle?

But you made it through it?

I think that applies?

To lots of things in my life.

Such as?

Life.

But today?

Today I think I had to deal with that?

With more than one thing.

Today Was Supposed to Be the Day My Kid Left the House

Today was supposed to be the day?

That my kid left the house.

And I was nervous about it.

And I obviously couldn't be there?

So I couldn't get details?

Of how things were happening?

When they were happening.

And I hear?

It didn't go very well.

At all.

Things that aren't worth fighting for?

Or fighting about?

Became things that we fought for.

We fought about.

And that chapter of that story?

Ended a lot worse?

Than I wanted it to.

I Was Sad and Frustrated and Angry and Relieved

And I was sad.

And I was frustrated.

And I was angry.

And relieved.

I think?

That's the hardest emotion to deal with.

Was the relief.

I didn't want my child to leave.

I didn't want him?

To have to start over?

Or to figure things out again.

But I also could acknowledge?

That where he was with us?

Was not helping him.

He needed something more?

Than what I was giving him.

He needed something more?

Than what my husband could give him.

And our home?

Wasn't the right spot.

I’m Not Happy. I’m Not Celebrating.

So as much as I may be sad about it?

And as much as it hurts?

I can also acknowledge?

That it was good.

It was good?

That he left?

To go find a better placing.

I'm not happy.

I'm not celebrating.

But?

I can understand it.

My Brain Doesn’t Like to Give Me Time Off

So then after that whole ordeal?

My mind had to process?

Other things.

California.

Kansas.

Finances.

Homes.

Marriage.

My brain?

Doesn't like to give me time off.

It likes to jump?

From the pot?

To the fire.

And once one issue is solved?

I find the next big thing?

To tackle.

And for some reason?

Today?

I chose my marriage.

At least that's how it seemed to me?

That I was choosing?

The topic of my marriage.

Marriage Has Been Difficult for a Very Long Time

Marriage?

Has been difficult?

For a very long time.

I fought with myself.

With my husband.

With counselors.

And it always ends up?

The exact same way.

With nothing solved.

Well?

Today I asked my husband?

A series of questions?

That I thought would lead?

To figuring out?

The perfect response.

I Started With His Child

I knew?

That I was gonna start?

With his child.

Because I think?

That it's very important?

That he is there?

For his son.

So I asked:

Hey.

Have you considered?

Having your son move in?

Well?

No.

Well?

If you asked?

Do you think he would?

And again?

These weren't like?

Leading questions.

But they were questions?

In my mind?

That I had figured out?

How to navigate my life based on.

If this kid said no?

Then?

It was okay.

What Does That Look Like?

So if he's not planning?

On living with you?

Do you plan on visiting?

And what's that look like?

What's that schedule supposed to be?

And the schedule?

Was supposed to be sort of?

What it has been.

Which is?

When he has time?

And the money to do so?

He will.

Okay.

That makes sense.

I can understand?

Why that's the case.

So if you aren't gonna have him move in?

And you're not going to see him?

On a regular basis?

What Are We Doing? You and I.

What are we doing?

You and I.

Because I don't know?

What we're doing.

And then?

We ended up talking about?

What that meant.

Was it like:

Are you coming back to Kansas?

No.

No.

I'm not coming back to Kansas.

I don't have an interest?

In coming back to Kansas.

I don't have a desire?

To come back to Kansas.

I don't want?

To come back to Kansas.

I Don’t Want to Come Back to Kansas

I didn't say it?

All that way.

I just said:

No.

I don't want to come back to Kansas.

But that's what?

I was feeling.

Not a desire.

Not a want.

Not a goal.

I don't want?

To come back to Kansas.

But I could also acknowledge?

He doesn't want?

To leave Kansas.

I’m Not Giving an Ultimatum

He said?

There's nothing keeping him there?

Keeping him from leaving.

But it feels like?

That's not necessarily true.

And again?

I'm not giving an ultimatum.

I'm not drawing a line?

In the sand.

Hey.

If you want to stay in Kansas?

Stay in Kansas.

If I wanna stay in California?

I should also be able?

To stay in California.

I Don’t Know What That Means for Us

I don't know?

What that means for us.

It doesn't sound?

Like a very happy marriage?

Or even?

A very good marriage.

With the idea?

That we can't see each other?

Because we can't afford?

To see each other.

But?

Something has to happen.

Something has to move.

And I expected?

With having that conversation?

I'd walk away feeling?

One of two things.

Devastated?

Because he won't come to California.

Or devastated?

My marriage was ending.

Neither of those happened.

I Think I Knew Where This Was Headed

I have been able to acknowledge?

For quite some time?

That my husband moving to California?

Probably isn't going to happen.

And I think?

That when I decided?

To take this job?

I knew?

Where that was headed.

And I think?

My actions?

And the way that I acted on them?

Speak volumes.

If I knew in my heart?

He wasn't going to come with me?

And that I wanted to come out here?

And there was a good chance?

I was gonna want to stay?

I was essentially?

Walking away from my marriage.

But That’s Not How My Brain Works

But?

That's not how my brain works.

My brain said:

I'd come out to California.

I'd figure things out.

We'd figure things out in Kansas.

We'd go from there.

And I was talking to somebody today?

And I was explaining?

My thought process?

And why it worked?

The way that I thought it worked.

And in my mind?

It was:

I don't think that he will come?

But I want to lay it out there.

Not as an ultimatum.

Not as a:

Do this or this happens.

But a:

I'm here in California.

Do you want?

To be out here with me?

I Want to Live This Life

And we have things?

Going on in Kansas?

That obviously?

Have to be taken care of.

I don't ignore that.

I don't think?

That's something?

To pretend is okay.

But at the same time?

I want to live this life.

I want to live this life?

Where I'm surrounded by family?

And we're spending time together?

And we're enjoying?

Each other's company.

I want to live this life?

Where I am thriving?

In my business.

I am thriving?

In my mental health.

And I'm doing things?

For me.

It’s Nice to Finally Do Things for Me

I spend a lot of time?

Doing things?

For other people.

So it's nice?

To finally put forth?

The effort?

To do things for me.

And I think?

It's in that?

That I felt strong today.

Difficult things happened?

And I didn't just break down.

I was told again?

How much he hates me?

By my kid.

I hate the both of you.

Okay.

And it hurt?

To hear.

But?

If that's how he feels?

That's how he feels.

There Are Certain Things You Can’t Take Back

I remember?

He told me that?

Just the other week ago.

And those words?

Weren't erased.

They weren't forgotten.

And he even came back?

That night?

And apologized for it.

But I think?

There are certain things?

That we say?

That we can't take back.

And for me?

One of those things?

Is to tell somebody?

You hate them.

Once you put that?

Out of the box?

There is no locking it back in.

You can't make?

Those words?

Go away.

Even a:

Well, I was angry when I said it.

Yeah.

But?

You still said it.

It Came From Somewhere

It came from somewhere.

Even if the idea was?

That it came from?

A want?

Of wanting to hurt me.

You said it.

So I guess?

I kinda never let it go?

That that's how he felt.

So when he said it again today?

It stung.

But not as bad?

As the first time.

And I just accepted?

That that's what?

It's gonna be.

And that chapter?

Was ending differently?

Than I wanted it to.

I Also Wasn’t Upset

And then when I talked?

To my husband today?

And the conversation?

Didn't garner a:

I'm packing my bags?

And coming out there.

It's not what I wanted.

But when it didn't garner a:

Yeah.

This makes the most sense?

For me to come to you.

I also?

Wasn't upset.

I recognize?

People have to do?

The things that they need to do?

For themselves.

Just as much?

As I need to do?

The things I need to do?

For me.

I Put Myself on Hold

And typically?

What I do?

Is I put myself on hold?

So that everybody else?

Can get what they need.

Well?

I'll just wait.

And then?

When you get what you need?

It'll be my turn.

And then?

I wait.

And then?

I wait.

And it doesn't happen.

This Time, Instead of Waiting

This time?

Instead of waiting?

I decided to be strong.

And I said:

You know what?

There are things?

I want to accomplish.

And I'm going to do them.

And while?

In a perfect world?

I wouldn't be doing them?

Alone.

It's okay?

If I have to.

I Was Strong Today

So?

I was strong today.

I had rough conversations.

I still put forth the effort?

To do the things?

That I needed to do.

I went to class today.

Finished homework.

Did a discussion post.

I'm ahead of schedule?

For this week?

For class.

Things are going well?

At school.

I still have to do laundry.

Which is odd?

Because I usually do laundry?

On a certain day?

At a certain time?

All the time.

And since I've been in California?

I've been rocking?

Whenever I get to it.

It's kinda weird.

But?

I'm doing better.

Not perfect.

Far from perfect.

But better.

Sometimes I Walk Myself Through It

And when I start?

To feel overwhelmed?

Or upset?

I walk myself?

Through it.

And sometimes?

It's easier than others.

Sometimes?

It's a:

Hey.

This is how you're taking?

That information.

But that may not?

Be the case.

Right now?

You may feel like?

Nobody loves you?

Or nobody cares.

It's one thing?

To feel that way.

It's another thing?

To know it.

Sometimes It’s Just Hard

And then?

There's times?

Where it's just a:

I'm really having a hard time.

And everything's accumulating?

Into a big ball?

That feels like?

It's running me over.

And I just can't.

That's okay too.

You see?

I don't have to be strong?

All the time.

That's not?

How life works.

You Don’t Have to Be Brave All the Time

You're not required?

To not be scared.

Or not be sad.

To be strong?

All the time.

To be brave?

All the time.

But?

You do have to show up.

You do have to put forth?

The effort?

To get through it.

Being able?

To work through?

The issues?

And the problems?

And the mentality?

Of mental health?

Is what makes us strong.

Fighting the Thing Inside Your Head

It's one thing?

To fight a person?

Outside of you.

You can see them.

You know where to hit them.

You know how?

That works.

It's another?

To be strong enough?

To fight the thing?

Inside your head.

The thing you can't see.

It's just the voice?

That you continue to hear.

Today?

I fought the thing in my head.

I fought the voice?

That told me?

That because he hated me?

I was a crappy mom.

I Wasn’t a Crappy Mom

I wasn't a crappy mom.

I just wasn't?

His mom.

I wasn't?

What he needed.

And while that's sad?

It's also true.

I wasn't?

What he needed.

And that's okay.

I'm not gonna be?

Everybody's everything?

All the time.

I Told Myself I Was Letting My Husband Down

I told myself?

That I was letting?

My husband down.

And then recognized?

That my husband knew?

That it was possible?

If I came out here?

I wasn't gonna come back.

I don't know?

If that's letting him down?

If that's what?

He expected as well.

So today?

I chose?

To be strong.

For me.

My Bite of Pie

My Bite of Pie?

I showed up for myself?

In ways that surprised me.

And I am doing better?

In school?

Than I thought I would.

I'm excited about it.

And I think?

That's what's helped?

Make it easy?

To do the work.

To read the chapters.

I have an interest?

In what I'm learning.

And I have an interest?

In where it's gonna go.

And that?

Has made a huge impact?

On how I see school?

Currently.

It also helps?

That, you know?

It's costing me a fortune?

And I'm paying cash.

So?

You know.

Tomato, tomato.

That’s Strong

If you are feeling?

Like you were strong today?

Because you did something hard?

Like get out of bed?

That's strong.

If you told somebody?

No?

That's being strong.

If you listened?

To someone yell things at you?

That were hurtful?

And mean?

And you didn't lash back out?

That was strong.

Sometimes Being Strong Means Protecting Our Own Peace

Sometimes?

Being strong?

Means protecting our own peace?

In a storm.

We acknowledge?

What's happening.

But we don't let it get in.

I can see?

That it's raining?

Without having to go?

Stand in the rain.

So?

That's how today looks.

It looks like me?

Being strong?

Even when?

I don't expect myself to be.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Heartbroken Me: I’m Entitled to Be Sad and Heartbroken

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever had someone break your heart so bad?

And yet?

You continue to go back to them?

It's something about the idea of them?

That you can't let go.

My World Came Crashing Down

Today?

I hid my feelings really well.

I had to work?

So you gotta do what you gotta do.

I go to work.

Spend time with my kiddo.

I felt kind of ill.

Just kind of off today.

But?

That's life.

Then at eleven this morning?

I started getting messages from my husband?

Regarding our kid.

And just that quickly?

My world came crashing down.

I knew what was happening.

I suspected what was gonna happen.

Didn't make it any easier.

Kids Come, Kids Go

It was hard.

But that is the process?

Of being in foster care.

Kids come.

Kids go.

Doesn't make it any easier.

So today?

I struggled with that.

And somehow?

Made it through the day?

As best as I could.

I Would Love to See You, But

On my car ride home?

I called my husband.

I wanted to see how things were going there.

Because I knew my kid?

Was taking it really rough.

And I kept trying to distract myself?

Because I needed to think about something else.

Process anything else.

So?

Thanksgiving.

We've talked about doing Thanksgiving out here.

Me helping my mom cook.

Doing a whole big thing with the family.

I mentioned it to my husband.

And he said:

Okay, yeah.

I figured you'd want to spend time with your family.

And I said:

Okay.

Then he's like:

Did I say something wrong?

I feel like you're waiting for something.

And I said:

No.

You didn't say anything wrong.

I was just trying to figure out?

If you wanted me to come there?

If you wanted to come here?

What were your thoughts for the holidays?

And he gave me:

Well, I would love to see you.

And because?

I speak fluent husband?

I said:

But.

And he said:

It's expensive.

I said:

Okay.

I understand.

And that?

Broke my heart some more.

The Worst Thing They Can Say Is No

Today?

I was really craving Mexican food.

But I don't want?

Just any Mexican food.

I want to go sit down?

And have Mexican food.

And the person?

I want to go sit down and have Mexican food with?

Always seems to be really busy.

And my thought was:

Well.

I can call anyway?

And see if they're available.

I shared that with Jason.

And Jason says:

Yeah.

Go ahead and call.

Yeah.

But they're always too busy for me.

I don't want to bother them.

And Jason says:

Well.

The worst thing they can say is no.

I don't like being told no.

No is really hard sometimes.

I'm just not gonna ask.

What If He Says Yes This Time?

I went back and forth?

For quite some time?

With myself.

Do I call?

Do I try?

Do I put myself out there?

No.

Don't do it.

Well?

But what if he says yes this time?

No.

Don't do it.

Well?

You don't know if you don't try.

Tonight?

I had pizza for dinner.

Right Now, the Three Men in My Life Aren’t There

And I thought:

Heartbroken.

Because as of right now?

The three men in my life?

Aren't there.

My husband?

Can't be here?

Because of expenses.

My son?

Can't be there?

Because it's not working between him and my husband?

And he's gotta move on.

And?

Boyfriend hasn't been boyfriending.

So?

I'm heartbroken.

Nobody Wants Me

I don't know?

What to do with all that information.

And of course?

Instead of it just being:

Hey.

Everybody's got something going on.

Everybody does.

I make it?

A personal attack against me.

Well?

That means nobody wants me.

Nobody cares.

Nobody loves me.

Those things?

Aren't the same.

Them being too busy?

Them not having the money to do something?

Aren't the same things?

As me not being wanted.

Loved.

Cared for.

I don't know why?

I keep likening the two.

They're not synonymous.

I Don’t Know If It’s Worth Trying

Nonetheless?

I'm struggling with it.

I'm struggling with?

Finding my place?

In someone else's life.

I don't know how to ask.

I don't know how to try.

I don't even know?

If it's worth trying.

And it's not?

That I don't care about them.

I don't know?

If I feel like?

I'm worth interrupting their lives for that.

Maybe they are better off?

Being busy.

Not being able to afford to see me.

Maybe?

That's just the way life is supposed to be.

Maybe?

I'm just supposed to leave it alone.

Maybe They Don’t Want To

And that's what?

I've been toying with.

Leaving things alone.

Stop seeking out things?

That maybe?

I'm not supposed to have.

I mean?

People say:

If they wanted to?

They would.

Maybe?

They don't want to.

That's my thoughts.

I'm just thinking out loud.

Processing things?

The best way I know how.

I Didn’t Want to Bring Anybody Else Down

As I had that conversation with my husband?

I got really sad.

I told him?

I was probably not good company?

Because I was really sad.

And he was still?

Trying to talk to me.

I asked him if he was pokering.

He said no?

Because he was on the phone with me.

And I used that?

As an excuse to get off the phone.

Well?

I'm okay.

You can go do that.

And he's like:

Okay.

Well, if you're okay.

Yeah.

I'm fine.

I'm okay.

Then?

I got off the phone.

And it wasn't?

That I was okay.

Or I was fine.

It's that?

I didn't want to bring anybody else down.

I didn't want him?

To deal with me being sad?

When I could just deal with it?

By myself.

I Deal With a Lot of Things by Myself

I deal with?

A lot of things?

By myself.

And I'm recognizing?

I'm the constant theme there.

Whenever I feel like there's a problem?

I'm involved in it.

No.

I think?

I have more things to ponder on.

I think?

My reflections aren't quite correct.

Maybe?

I'm just feeling a lot of things right now?

And trying to figure it all out.

And that's okay.

I Don’t Have to Have Everything Defined Yet

I don't have to have?

Everything defined yet.

I'm entitled?

To be sad.

And heartbroken.

I'm entitled?

To work through my emotions.

And as I work through them?

I will learn?

And grow from them.

I will learn?

What is true?

And what is just feelings.

Tonight though?

Tonight?

I'm just gonna feel them.

I don't have to explain them.

I don't have to deep dive into them.

I just get to acknowledge?

That they're there.

While I curl up?

In my bed?

With my blankets?

And just exist.

My Bite of Pie

My Bite of Pie today?

That's a hard one.

I finally told?

Several people?

That I'm going back to school.

That's been?

The secret project?

I've been working on.

I didn't tell anybody?

Because I didn't want anyone?

Judging me for it.

I am known?

To start things?

And not finish them.

And this?

Is really important to me.

So?

With my big girl money?

I paid for school.

Signed up for class.

And?

I'm going to school.

I’m Actually Doing the Reading

This is my first week.

I did?

All the things?

I was supposed to do.

And I already started?

On the stuff for next week.

And instead of skimming things this time?

I'm actually doing the reading.

I'm a really good skimmer.

A really good guesstimator.

Summarizer.

I don't want?

That to be my college experience.

I want to know?

What I'm talking about.

What I'm learning.

I Don’t Get to Decide That They Don’t Care

That's my Bite of Pie today.

I knocked out?

Several assignments.

Got ready?

For next week.

And I told?

The people that I cared about?

That I'm in school.

Because up until this point?

Only one person knew.

Well?

One person knew.

Then I told my sister.

So I guess?

Two people knew.

And that's my Bite of Pie.

Not being—

I don't know.

Shame's not the right word.

But?

Not being afraid?

To share the positive things?

In my life?

With people who?

I don't think really care about them.

I have to learn?

To stop assigning feelings?

To everybody else.

I don't get to decide?

That they don't care.

I don't get to decide?

That I'm unimportant to them.

They get to tell me?

How they feel.

And then?

I get to back that up?

With their actions.

That's how that works.

Heartbreak Doesn’t Last Forever

If you're feeling heartbroken today?

Know?

That it doesn't last forever.

But?

It's okay?

That you feel that way.

We can take our time?

To wade through it.

Understand it.

Express it.

It's not an overnight thing.

It's not a right now thing.

It's just?

One of those feelings?

You kind of have to sit in.

It doesn't go away quickly.

And I know?

I'm probably gonna be heartbroken?

For a little while.

And I get to accept that.

That's also life.

Today?

My story had ups and downs.

I finished my homework.

I did well in classes today.

But?

I also found out?

That my kid's leaving my house.

I may not see my husband?

For the holidays.

And I haven't seen boyfriend?

For a while.

Some days?

The story doesn't look perfect.

It's not romantic.

Or glamorous.

Sometimes?

It's just a mix?

Of all the feelings?

You could possibly have.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Sweaty Me: I Did It Anyway

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever noticed?

When you tell people about the things you want to accomplish?

It goes one of two ways.

It either fails instantly?

Because people are used to you saying something?

And not following through.

Or?

It makes you hold yourself accountable.

Because they expect you?

To fall through.

I Have So Many Things I Want to Accomplish

That's what this episode is.

I have so many goals.

So many aspirations.

So many things?

I want to accomplish.

And I'll tell myself:

Hey.

We're gonna do this.

We're gonna set this goal.

We're gonna meet this goal.

We can do this.

And then?

Inevitably?

I stop.

I jump?

From one thing?

To another.

I Haven’t Done That With My Journal

But recently?

I recognized something.

I haven't done that?

With my journal.

And I think?

That's largely because?

I put myself out there?

And said:

Hey.

This is something?

I'm doing every night.

Regardless?

Of what I'm feeling?

Or what's going on?

I'm gonna take the time?

To write my journal.

And apparently?

That made me accountable?

To doing what I told you?

I would do.

Since June

And because of that?

I've followed through?

Since June.

This is probably?

The longest I've written?

In my journal?

As an adult.

And I'm proud of myself?

For that.

So today?

I set a new schedule.

One that was less complicated?

Than the one?

I was originally making.

Mental Me and Physical Me

And I told myself?

Part of my new schedule?

Was working out.

Because while I'm working?

On mental me?

I also need to work?

On physical me.

So the plan?

Was either:

Go to the gym?

Or?

Do something local.

Either way?

That works.

Thirty Minutes of Movement

And I didn't set?

Some outrageous goal?

For myself.

I said:

Okay.

You know what?

Thirty minutes of movement.

That's it.

I just want?

Thirty minutes of movement?

A day.

I don't have to make it?

To the gym.

I just need?

To make the effort?

To do thirty minutes.

The Longer I Sat, the Less I Wanted to Move

So then?

I get home.

Eat my lunch.

It's delicious.

And I sit here.

And the longer I sit?

The less I want?

To get up?

And go move.

So of course?

I do everything?

To talk myself out of it.

I'm too tired.

I went to bed late.

It's okay.

I'll do it tomorrow.

You Said You Were Gonna Do It

And someone said:

Well.

You said you were gonna do it.

So go out there?

And do it?

For ten minutes.

If you still feel good about it?

Keep going.

And if not?

You did something.

And I thought:

You know what?

I can manage that.

That sounds?

Easy enough.

So?

I went out.

And I Did Thirty Minutes

And I did?

Thirty minutes.

I was tired.

And honestly?

It embarrassed me?

That I was tired?

After walking?

For thirty minutes.

But?

It was a good tired.

A good burn.

A good feeling?

That I was outside?

Doing something.

And the funny part?

My brain was already saying:

I can't wait?

Until I can run this.

My Mind Was Already Thinking Ahead

I'm walking?

For thirty minutes.

And my mind?

Already says:

I can't wait?

To be able to run it.

And when I came back inside?

I started preparing?

For my journal.

And I had a thought.

Whenever I tell you guys?

I'm gonna do something?

I follow through.

Why Not Hold Myself Accountable This Way?

So why not?

Hold myself accountable?

This way?

By saying:

Hey.

I'm gonna start something?

As simple?

As walking?

For thirty minutes.

And I say simple?

Because I can acknowledge?

It's not some strenuous workout.

But I also acknowledge?

My working out?

Isn't just about physical health.

When I’m Outside, I Feel Better

When I'm outside?

I feel better.

That's not a mistake.

It's not some random thing?

That happens.

I know?

If I get fresh air?

My mental health?

Is better.

And yet?

My first reaction?

When I'm going through something?

Is to close myself up?

In my room.

So today?

I went outside.

And walked.

I Didn’t Go Very Far

I didn't go far.

Stayed in my little cul-de-sac.

Walked around?

Three different times.

And I realized?

My concern wasn't:

Can I do this?

Can I make this happen?

My concern was:

Oh my gosh.

People are gonna wonder?

Why I'm walking in circles.

Oh my gosh.

That neighbor?

Is gonna think I'm crazy.

Nobody Was Saying That

Again?

My thoughts?

Were about?

How somebody else?

Was going to perceive me.

Versus:

Did you even hear?

Your own thoughts?

You were proud of yourself.

So proud?

That your thought was:

Man.

I'm doing this every day?

And one day?

I'm gonna be able to run it.

Not walk it.

Why Do I Let the Negative Inventions Win?

Why do I do that?

Why do I allow?

All the negative inventions?

Because nobody's saying that.

People walk?

In my area?

All day long.

Nobody cares?

That I'm walking.

But somehow?

I let the idea?

Of what somebody might think?

Trump?

The excitement?

Of accomplishing something.

Dear Sweaty Me

So I came back inside?

Feeling sweaty.

And I didn't change.

I sat here?

And said:

I'm gonna start my podcast.

Dear Sweaty Me.

And even as I'm talking?

There are metaphors?

Hidden all throughout this.

Because we're so good?

At saying:

I'm gonna get to this.

I'm gonna do it one day.

I'll get around to it.

Versus?

Actually doing the thing.

But You Did It

And then?

When we do the thing?

Instead of giving ourselves credit?

It's:

Well.

I could've done that sooner.

Could've done it better.

Could've—

But you did it.

Right?

But I did it.

It wasn't perfect.

It wasn't everything?

I thought it would be.

But?

It felt good.

I Don’t Owe Anybody Proof

It felt good?

To go out there?

And do something?

For me.

Helpful?

To me.

I don't owe anybody?

Anything.

I don't have to go out there?

And prove myself?

To my husband.

My kids.

My friends.

In my head?

I do.

In my heart?

It feels like I do.

But in reality?

I don't.

Taking Care of Me Can Be Enough

I can just?

Do things?

To take care of me.

And that?

Can be enough.

So that was?

My little thirty-minute workout.

I threw in my headphones.

Put on some music.

And just walked.

And as I walked?

I smiled.

I Had Fun

I listened to my music?

And smiled.

I had fun.

I was singing?

In my head.

Not out loud.

It was just?

Joyous?

To do something?

For myself?

That was healthy.

Today Was a Good Day

Today?

Was a good day.

I got up for work.

Did not?

Want to get out of bed?

At all.

But?

I did.

I left on time.

Got to school on time.

Didn't manage?

To get breakfast?

This morning.

Normally?

That would bother me.

Today?

Not as much.

I Made It Through My Day

I made it?

Through my day.

I got to hang out?

With my kids.

Laugh.

Joke.

Play.

Interact with?

The teachers I like.

It was?

A great day.

I found out?

I get off early?

This week.

Found out?

I have a couple days?

Coming up?

That I get off?

That I wasn't expecting.

Overall?

Really good day.

Then My Mom Texted Me

But?

Even on top of that?

The most amazing part?

Of today?

Was?

I randomly got?

A text message?

From my mom.

My mom?

Doesn't do that.

My mom doesn't?

Reach out to me.

She doesn't interact with me?

That way.

But since I've been back?

In California?

I've noticed?

The effort?

She puts forth?

Into talking to me.

She Was Happy We Spent Time Together

Today?

She sent me a text?

Saying she was happy?

She got to spend time?

With me yesterday.

And the sentiment?

Was nice?

In and of itself.

But it also?

Made me chuckle.

Because it was like:

I hope we get?

To do that again soon.

I really had?

A great time?

Seeing you?

And spending time with you.

And then?

She ended it with:

Love your mom.

We Are Not an “I Love You” Family

And in my head?

I couldn't help but laugh.

Because last night?

On the way back?

My sister and I?

Were talking about?

How we're not?

A family?

That says:

I love you.

For whatever reason?

It's just?

Too hard for us?

To do.

We wish?

We could be better?

At that.

But?

That's not who we are.

I Love You, Mom

I even acknowledged?

When I talk to my husband?

I don't say:

I love you.

I say:

Love you too.

As if saying?

I?

Is impossible.

So I responded?

To my mom's message?

And at the end?

I put:

I love you, Mom.

She responded?

And still?

Couldn't say:

I love you, Jamesha.

Instead of Being Bitter, I Saw Progress

And instead?

Of being bitter?

Or upset?

I just thought:

We made progress.

We're making progress.

It was progress?

For my sister?

My mom?

And me?

To sit at church?

Last night?

Hang out?

With each other.

It was progress?

For us?

To laugh.

Joke.

Interact?

The way we did.

It’s Not Perfect

That?

Is progress?

For our family.

It's not perfect.

It's not complete.

But?

It's a work in progress.

So I was ecstatic?

To see the message.

Ecstatic?

To respond.

But more importantly?

When I said:

I love you, Mom?

I meant it.

That Felt Different

And I think?

That's what felt different?

For me.

For so long?

I've been so bitter?

About my relationship?

With my mom.

It's been?

A struggle.

Growth for me?

May look like?

Acknowledging?

Not everything?

Looked the way?

I thought it looked.

That Doesn’t Discount My Experience

That doesn't discount?

My experience?

Or my relationship?

With my mom.

It was tough.

But I can also acknowledge?

I don't have to hold on?

To everything?

That hurt me.

If I'm worried?

It's going to happen again?

If I'm worried?

History is repeating itself?

I know how?

To set boundaries now.

I Know How to Take Space Now

I know how?

To take space now.

I know how?

To process?

What's happening?

Versus?

What I'm thinking?

Is happening.

I know how?

To have that conversation.

And better yet?

I know how?

To hold her accountable?

For her actions.

I didn't have that before.

I Know How to Speak Up Now

I didn't know how?

To speak up for myself?

And say:

No.

This is not?

How we do things.

And if you had told me?

Back in June?

When I started this?

That I would be?

In California?

Still doing this?

Spending time?

With my sister?

And my mom?

I would've never believed it.

I Would’ve Thought It Was Impossible

I would've thought?

It was impossible.

But?

That's not the case.

I don't expect perfection.

I tell my kids?

That all the time.

I don't expect perfection.

I don't expect things?

To overnight?

Become some miracle.

I'm not asking?

For miracles.

I'm asking?

For chances.

Opportunities.

And thus far?

I've gotten that.

My Bite of Pie

So?

My Bite of Pie today?

I talked?

To my mom.

I never thought?

In a million years?

That my big thing?

For the day?

Would be?

A text message?

From my mom.

I think?

For the longest time?

I've yearned?

For my mom?

Just to talk to me.

And today?

It happened.

I Felt Like I Had a Mom

And it wasn't:

I approve?

Of the decisions?

You're making.

Or:

I approve?

Of the things?

You're doing.

But?

I felt like?

I had a mom.

And that?

Was a great feeling?

Today.

So?

She's got a daughter?

Who's sweaty?

Trying to figure life out?

To the best?

Of her ability.

The Most Important Relationship

I'm navigating?

A marriage.

Long-distance relationships.

Friendships.

All the other relationships?

You could think of.

While trying?

To maintain?

The most important relationship?

Of them all.

The relationship?

With myself.

Because it's so easy?

For me?

To get lost?

In my relationship?

With everybody else?

And discount?

Myself.

This Time, I Don’t Want to Do That

This time?

I don't want to do that.

So I'm gonna be?

Sweaty me.

Work-in-progress me.

Future me.

I'm probably gonna be?

Sad me.

Disappointed me.

Because?

That's part of life.

You don't get?

Just good.

You get?

Good and bad.

I’ve Survived 43 Years

But I have this idea?

I've survived?

43 years.

I think?

I can survive?

A few more.

I'm pretty sure?

I can survive?

A few more.

So if you're out there?

Writing your story?

And things are happening?

Unexpectedly?

And you're just?

At a loss?

As to why?

They're happening?

It's okay?

To question it?

And still accept it.

We Sometimes Do Scary Things

It's okay?

To be apprehensive?

And still?

Want to try.

That's life.

Sometimes?

We do scary things.

Sometimes?

We have to jump in?

When we don't really know?

What that looks like.

And when we like it?

We keep writing?

That story.

And if we don't?

We erase it?

And start over.

Because?

We're allowed?

To do that.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Quiet Me: I Need to Learn When to Be Quiet and When to Get Loud

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

What do you do when the whole world goes silent?

You know things are happening.

You can see them.

You can feel them.

But for some reason?

Your world is just silent.

I Needed That Reset

Today?

I woke up at a quarter to five.

Yesterday, when I was done with the podcast?

I took my meds.

Laid down.

And went right to sleep.

I was emotionally done.

Checked out for the day.

I slept from seven-something?

Almost eight o'clock?

Until 4:45 this morning.

And I needed it.

I needed that reset.

Last night?

Was a hard night for me.

I Hated That I Made Him Feel Like It Was His Fault

I woke up this morning?

To messages from my son.

And I hated?

That I made him feel like?

He was the reason for my bad day.

Because while his text message?

Played into it?

He was not the reason for it.

So I clarified that.

And then?

I tried to talk myself out of getting out of bed today.

I Really Didn’t Want to Get Up

I had plans.

Plans I hadn't vocalized to anybody.

But I could see?

That I was trying to convince myself?

To ignore them.

Stay in bed.

I didn't do that.

I got up.

Got dressed.

Met my sister at church.

And?

It felt good to be there.

Odd.

But good.

I Kept Thinking I Shouldn’t Be There

Odd because?

The whole entire time I was sitting there?

I kept thinking?

I shouldn't be.

Not that I don't deserve to go to church.

But?

That I'm not good enough to be at church.

There's no reason?

Why God would choose me.

Love me.

Want me.

I'm as broken as they come.

Mistake After Mistake After Mistake

I make mistake?

After mistake?

After mistake.

I apologize.

Ask for forgiveness.

And do it all over again.

It's the cycle of my life.

I seem to have a hard time?

Learning my own lesson.

So why?

Would He want to reach somebody like that?

I Felt Detached

I sat there.

Listened.

But I felt really detached.

When church was over?

My sister suggested?

We go see our mom.

I said:

Okay.

I'll go with you.

And she warned me:

If we go see Mom?

Mom's gonna have us go to her church.

Because my mom's church?

Is later than ours.

Okay.

That's fine.

And Again, I Felt Like I Wasn’t Enough

So we went to my mom's house.

Talked to my mom.

Then?

Went to church with my mom.

And again?

I sat there.

Thinking:

I'm not good enough.

I'm not enough.

And that's an odd feeling for me.

I'm used to being?

A disappointment to people.

I do that all the time.

I'm used to being?

A disappointment to myself.

I do that constantly.

But sitting there?

Thinking that the God they've talked to me about?

The God I've known since I was a child?

Wouldn't think I was enough?

That one?

Had some effect.

Nobody Taught Me That

And it isn't that?

Somebody told me that.

Or taught me that.

Again?

Most of these thoughts?

Are just thoughts that play around in my head.

Nobody has to teach me these things.

I instantly?

Just feel like I'm not enough.

I Spent the Day Quietly Suffering

So I spent the day?

Quietly doing things?

While suffering.

Holding it all inside.

That changed tonight.

On the ride back home?

Me and my sister?

Started talking.

And we talked?

Like we've never talked before.

Tonight, My Sister Became My Friend

We talked about similarities.

Things we've noticed.

Our family dynamic.

Everything.

And I really enjoyed?

Talking with my sister.

We even talked about?

How we're not good at reaching out?

When we need help.

Because?

We keep things really tight to the vest.

To the chest.

We know?

That's not how life is supposed to be lived.

But?

It's what we know.

And tonight?

My sister became my friend.

I’ve Never Really Had That With My Sisters

I've never really had that?

With any of my sisters.

My brothers?

Yes.

Several of my brothers.

I say several.

I have three.

I've had two different brothers?

Live with me?

At two separate times.

I've always been on really good terms?

With my brothers.

Not as great?

With my sisters.

So it was nice?

Driving.

Singing.

Laughing with her.

Then I Realized How Quiet My Day Had Been

And then?

I realized?

I didn't really talk to my husband today.

I did for a little bit.

But not really.

Or my friends.

It was just?

Quiet.

And I recognized?

It was quiet?

Because that's how I made it be.

I didn't reach out to anybody.

I didn't talk to anybody?

About what was going on.

I Could Have Used Someone Last Night

I even said that to my sister tonight.

Hey.

I had a really bad night last night.

I was really going through it.

And instead of reaching out to family?

Talking to someone?

I just shut down.

I could've used someone last night.

And?

I just shut down.

And she came back with:

I've been feeling similarly.

And I also?

Didn't reach out to anybody.

You Can Always Reach Out to Me

So I told her:

You could always reach out to me.

I hope?

This is the start of something new.

And you know?

At the end of the day?

You can reach out to your big sister.

And maybe?

I'm working on relationships?

I actually came out here to work on.

Maybe Some Things Are Meant to Be Quiet

The ones?

I thought I was gonna have?

They don't seem as promising?

At the moment.

But maybe?

Maybe that's a good thing.

Maybe?

That's meant to be quiet too.

I Know How to Be Quiet in All the Wrong Ways

I know how?

To be quiet?

In all the wrong ways.

I'm quiet?

When I need to speak up.

When I need?

To set boundaries.

When I'm hurting.

And I'm loud?

When I'm mad.

When I'm seeking things?

I shouldn't seek.

I can be very loud then.

Those?

Are the times?

I wish I were quiet.

Today Was a Good Day

So tonight?

My podcast is a little late.

Because?

I've been busy with my sister.

And it was a good day.

In general?

I learned my sister likes lemon pound cake.

Or?

The lemon loaf from Starbucks.

I didn't know that.

Something we have in common.

And I was a nice big sister?

And gave her the rest of mine this morning.

Oh My Gosh, I Do the Same Thing

It's amusing?

Seeing the similarities we have.

She and I?

Are ten years apart.

And there are certain things?

I see?

And I'm like:

Oh my gosh.

I do the same thing.

That's how I sound.

We talked about?

How we can be really sarcastic.

Really cold.

We don't say:

I love you.

Because?

That's not how we grew up.

That's just not?

In the realm of normal for us.

Our Parents Were There, but Our Parents Weren’t There

We acknowledged?

That a lot of who we are?

The things we do?

Come from how we grew up.

And that's not presented?

As a dig at our parents.

Or anything like that.

Our parents were there.

But?

Our parents weren't there.

And I'm hoping?

With this open form of communication?

Between her and me?

We break some of those cycles.

Maybe She’ll Love Her Kids Differently

So that if?

She ever has kids?

She teaches them differently?

Than I do.

That she loves them?

In a way?

That's different than we were.

That we gain something?

From this experience.

Make a difference.

We’re Working on Building Relationships

We're pushing?

For holidays together this year.

Thanksgiving.

Christmas.

We're working?

On building relationships.

And honestly?

That's all I could ask for.

In the meantime?

I'll learn?

How to be quiet?

When I need to.

And loud?

When I don't.

I think?

That's an important lesson for me today.

My Bite of Pie

My Bite of Pie today?

I got to hang out?

With my sister.

We had fun.

We laughed.

We got lunch together.

Then?

We went and got See's candy.

Which?

I haven't had in years.

So I'm really excited about that.

It Felt Familial

I got blankets?

For my mom's—

My room's not so cold.

I watched my mom and my sister?

Tease each other back and forth.

My sister:

That's not fair.

You gave her everything.

And Mom's like:

I give you stuff all the time.

It just?

Felt familial.

And right now?

I really need that.

I Need Somewhere I Belong

I need?

To feel like part of a family.

I need to feel like?

There's some place?

Where I fit in.

Where I belong.

That?

Was my Bite of Pie today.

I felt that.

And?

It felt good.

I Wanted You Guys to Know I’m Okay

I wanted you guys?

To know that I was okay.

That I am okay.

I didn't do anything stupid last night?

As I said I wouldn't.

That wasn't my headspace.

I'm deeply sorry?

If I made any of you think?

That's where my headspace was.

It wasn't.

At all.

I was sad.

That was it.

There Were No Thoughts of Hurting Myself

There were no thoughts?

Of hurting myself.

Or harming myself.

I was just sad.

And I can establish?

That my mental health?

Has come a long way.

I get sad.

I don't get destructive.

I don't hurt myself anymore.

It took a long time?

To get there.

Different doses of medication.

But?

Those aren't thoughts I have.

Sometimes I Just Want to Disappear for a While

I hurt.

I cry.

Sometimes?

I wish I could legit disappear.

Not like die.

But just:

Hey.

I'm gonna be out in the world?

Where nobody can contact me?

For a while.

So I can get my bearings back.

But?

I'm okay.

I’m Sad, but I’m Okay

I'm sad.

But?

I'm okay.

And I'm learning?

That it's okay to be sad.

That doesn't make me weak.

It doesn't make me less strong.

It makes me?

Human.

If You Need to Shrink Yourself, Get Loud

So if you're out there?

And you're feeling quiet?

In a world that's not quiet?

That's okay.

If you're feeling like?

You need to shrink yourself?

Because of things going on?

Get loud.

If you feel like?

You have to shrink yourself?

Because people can't respect your boundaries?

Get loud.

But If You’re Fighting for People to Notice You, Get Quiet

But?

If you feel like you're fighting?

For people to notice you?

And that's why you're loud?

It's probably?

When we should be the quietest.

We shouldn't have to put on shows?

To impress people.

Have them want us.

Be involved in our lives.

They should be able?

To make that decision?

Regardless.

I’m Glad I Got Out of Bed Today

Today?

Was a great page in the book.

I may not have felt?

The best.

Or the strongest.

But?

It was a good day.

I'm glad?

I wrote it the way that I did.

I'm glad?

I got out of bed today.

I'm glad?

I made it out of the house.

And?

I'm glad you're still here.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Failing Me: Tonight, I Don’t Feel Like Enough

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

What do you do?

When you can't seem to do anything right?

You try.

You try.

But?

It just—

Something.

You try.

I Thought I Was Having a Good Day

Today?

I thought I was having a good day.

I woke up.

I ate breakfast.

I kind of reminisced?

On why I am the way that I am.

But not in a bad way.

Just some of my quirks.

Like?

I love cheese.

But I don't like it on cold sandwiches.

And I love pickles.

But only by themselves.

Just things like that.

I've always had things like that.

My Body Apparently Needed Four Hours

I ate breakfast.

Then?

Laid back down.

Went back to sleep.

I set a timer?

For two hours.

Ended up getting four.

And I didn't beat myself up for it.

Because some days?

Your body just knows:

We need something.

So then?

I decided to be productive.

I’m Gonna Take Care of the Whole World From My Office Chair

I'm gonna get up.

Take care of everything.

The whole world?

From my office chair.

Because it's not so much?

That I'm taking care of the whole world.

It's all the projects?

I've decided I need to do.

And every day?

I feel like I add some more.

But I was doing well with that.

I was getting things done.

I was laughing.

And then?

I got a text message.

And My Good Day Crashed

From there?

The good day I was having?

Crashed.

This morning?

I was speaking with my husband.

And there was this underlying tone?

Where I could feel myself starting to beat up on me.

I heard that our oldest daughter?

Had been talking to him.

And immediately?

It was:

Well.

She hasn't really talked to me.

So what's going on there?

What’s That Supposed to Mean?

He said:

Well, you know.

I'm available.

What's that supposed to mean?

I'm at work.

I can't help?

That I'm at work.

And all of it?

Felt like a personal attack.

And I don't think that's what it was.

I remember telling him:

She has gone back to her mom's house.

So?

I wasn't expecting to be important anymore.

And then?

I realized.

That's just me?

Being inside my head.

Telling myself the things I tell myself?

When I'm not in a healthy spot.

Let Me Get Off the Phone

So I said:

You know what?

Let me get off the phone.

Let me focus on something different.

And I did.

I did that.

My day?

Was going well.

And then?

My Kansas kiddo reached out to me.

Asking about his cell phone.

Because he believes?

As of Monday?

He's leaving.

I haven't heard anything?

One way or the other.

But instantly?

I felt like I was failing.

I Had a Child in My Home Since May

I've had a child in my home?

Since May.

We're in October.

And the concern?

Is if he gets to take his phone with him.

And I recognize?

That isn't necessarily a statement?

On how he feels.

It may just be:

What's easiest to deal with right now?

But all I get to?

Is:

I'm failing.

It Reminds Me Why Trying Feels Futile

It reminds me?

Why I don't have kids of my own.

Why nobody wants kids with me.

It reminds me?

Why trying seems futile.

It reminds me?

Why there are days?

That I don't talk to anybody.

I don't answer my phone.

It reminds me?

Of the many times?

That I've tried to just not exist anymore.

I keep failing.

There Are Times I’m Legit Doing Better

And I want to say?

I'm getting better.

That I'm doing better.

And there are times?

That I'm legit doing better.

That I feel better.

Yesterday?

Yesterday felt great.

I felt popular?

In the sense that the kids I was helping?

At my school?

Seemed to really be taking to me.

And today?

At this moment?

I can't help but think?

They'd all be better off without me.

I’m Going to Let Them Down

Because in some way?

Shape?

Or form?

I'm just gonna let them down.

I'm going to hurt them.

I'm going to disappoint them.

They're better off without me.

And while I can recognize?

The good that I do.

The joy I bring to people?

Because that exists.

I know that exists.

Right now?

It doesn't feel like enough.

Right Now, I Don’t Feel Like Enough

Right now?

I don't feel like enough.

And I don't know?

How to make that feeling go away.

I don't know how?

To convince myself?

That I need to exist.

That I need to be around.

I mean?

I will.

I always do.

I'll fight the urges.

The thoughts in my head.

I've gotten pretty good?

At fighting those demons.

But at some point?

You get sick of having to fight those things?

Over and over again.

You get sick?

Of having to pick yourself up.

Tonight, I Don’t Know What to Do

Tonight?

I don't know what to do.

I feel embarrassed?

That things are happening the way they're happening.

I feel extremely sad?

That I can't help people?

The way I want to help them.

I feel useless.

And I recognize?

That at this moment?

I'm probably my own worst enemy.

I can't get out of my head.

And I want to.

I want to so badly.

I Know It’ll Be Safer If I Can Distract Myself

I know?

It'll be safer if I can distract myself.

That's hard.

That's hard?

When things are happening to you.

And right now?

I feel like my life?

Is happening to me.

For every step I take?

That's good?

There are five more?

That I fall back.

And it feels like?

The effort doesn't matter.

Effort doesn't change anything.

Today, I Feel Like I’m Failing

So today?

I feel like I'm failing.

I'm failing?

All the people who trusted me.

The people who say they love me.

I'm failing my husband.

My kid.

My friends.

My family.

I just constantly fail.

Constantly mess up.

Right?

I Hurt People

I hurt people.

I make them sad.

Mad.

Angry.

I make them feel unimportant.

And if I can make someone feel that way?

Then surely?

I don't deserve to interact with anybody.

Because I have no desire?

To make people feel that way.

I know what that feels like.

It Was One Small Message

And today?

Just one small message?

That's what rushed back.

People don't get that.

We talk about the word trigger?

And it's so overused at this point.

But it was one message.

That's all it took.

One small text message.

It wasn't mean.

It wasn't degrading.

And reading that one message?

Made me feel like?

I was the biggest failure.

All he did?

Was ask if he gets to keep his phone.

Mental Health Is So Hard

Mental health?

Is so hard.

Because you never know?

What's gonna rock the boat.

You never know?

What you're gonna be able to take in stride.

You never know?

What's gonna send you crashing.

There's rarely warning signs?

About the deep dive?

You're getting ready to get into.

Tonight?

I'm hoping to stay out of that.

I Can Recognize When I Need the Extra Help

It'll probably very much be?

An anxiety-med kind of night.

Which then?

Will make me super groggy tomorrow.

And I won't be able to do anything tomorrow.

But?

I can recognize?

When I need the extra help.

And as much as I hate it?

With a burning passion?

I'll take the extra help tonight.

I Know What I’m Not Supposed to Do

I'll figure out how to self-soothe.

I'll figure out how to—

Bottle it all inside?

Until I can forget about it.

Disassociate.

You know.

All the things?

You shouldn't do?

When you're in a mental crisis.

Because you're supposed to talk to somebody.

You're supposed to surround yourself?

With people who care?

So you're not spiraling.

I Don’t Get on Here and Pretend I’m Great

Guys?

I don't get on here?

And pretend I'm great.

I have bad days.

I have really bad days sometimes.

And tonight?

Tonight's a bad night.

I won't do anything?

That I'm not supposed to do.

And I can acknowledge?

That it's the kind of night?

Where I want to shut everybody out.

I’m Gonna Have to Work Hard Not to Do That

So?

I'm gonna have to work hard?

To not do that.

Because I know?

That's only gonna lead me down a road?

I don't want to be on.

So today?

My story?

Did not look like I wanted it to look.

I thought?

I was writing a wonderful page today.

And then?

Boom.

Plot twist.

Sometimes There’s a Plot Twist

And that happens.

It happens sometimes.

We have to acknowledge it.

My Bite of Pie today?

I'm acknowledging?

That right now?

I'm really hurt.

I'm not in a position?

To be positive.

Or bubbly.

Right Now, I Probably Need People More Than I Usually Do

I'm not in a position?

To push people out right now.

Right now?

I probably need people?

More than I usually do.

And for me?

That's growth.

Because I am quick?

To shut down.

Stop talking to anybody.

And while every ounce of me?

Wants to do exactly that?

I know not to.

My Bite of Pie

That's my Bite of Pie today.

And?

I took a shower.

I didn't wash my hair.

Because that seemed like?

A lot of work.

But?

That's my Bite of Pie today.

I did accomplish some things.

Even when?

I thought I wouldn't.

I Didn’t Intend to Cry

I always feel really stupid?

Getting online and crying.

Because I don't understand?

Why anyone would want to get online and cry.

I did not intend to cry.

I'm explaining myself?

Because I feel like I should explain myself.

But?

It's my journal.

So?

This happens.

Right?

Sometimes Your Journal Is Not Pretty

It happens.

Sometimes?

Your journal is not pretty.

Sometimes?

Life is not pretty.

Sometimes?

We feel like we're failing?

Everything.

Everyone.

And we have to take it in stride.

It Doesn’t Mean We Give Up

It doesn't mean?

We give up.

Although?

I know it feels like it does.

It doesn't mean?

We get to shut down?

And not talk to anybody.

It means?

We're extra cautious?

Of the help that we need.

We're extra cautious?

About who we let in?

In those moments.

Find the Person You Trust

Find the person?

That you trust.

The person?

That you can go to.

There's somebody out there.

Even a stranger?

Who just wants to see you thrive.

And sometimes?

It's the stranger?

That you'll find?

Means the most.

So?

I get to just remember.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Popular Me: I Will Forever Be Popular in That Sense

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever wanted to revisit high school or middle school?

Like, could you imagine going back in time?

Doing it all over again?

I didn't have a horrible time in middle school or high school.

I was well known.

I was well liked.

I had fun.

But the idea of not having control over my life?

My parents still telling me what I can do?

When I can do it?

Does not appeal to me.

Today?

I hung out with my middle schoolers.

And I recognized just how well-liked I actually am.

Miss Jamesha, Miss Jamesha, Miss Jamesha

Today was a short day at school.

It was our B day.

So we only had so many classes.

Throwy Throwy Kid was there.

My kid was obviously there.

And a couple of others that I recognize.

They were all just kind of doing their thing.

But it's funny to me?

Because anytime they would do something?

Miss Jamesha.

Miss Jamesha.

Miss Jamesha.

I've quickly become a fixture in their lives.

Where I wasn't.

They're coming to me to tell me things?

Trivial things.

Important things.

Hey, I've got this game.

I'm sick.

I'm not gonna make it to my game.

Hey, we had a game.

We lost horribly.

So I mentioned it to Throwy Throwy Kid:

I heard you guys lost your game Wednesday.

"How'd you know?"

I got peoples.

Then I told him who told me.

And he's like:

Yeah.

That makes more sense.

I'm Gonna Sit in the Back With Miss Jamesha

At this point?

They all come back and tell me:

This is what happened.

This is what's going on.

But today?

That took a turn for me.

I'm sitting in the classroom.

Minding my own.

Letting the teacher do her thing.

And Throwy Throwy Kid goes:

"I'm gonna go sit in the back with Miss Jamesha."

Gets up from his seat.

Removes himself from what he was doing.

And comes to sit with me?

To do his work.

That has never happened.

He is so easily distracted.

He'll sit there?

Talk to everybody.

Today?

He said:

Nope.

I'm gonna move myself.

Guys, I'm in the Circle Now

So he moves himself.

Comes and sits with me.

He's working on his problems.

Then we start talking.

Joking around.

I start teasing him?

Because he borrowed a pen from some girl.

We're laughing.

Joking.

And guys?

I'm in the circle now.

I'm officially in the circle.

I get to know who's dating who.

How that's going.

He was dropping all the tea.

And I'm just like:

Do tell.

Let me know.

Who's dating who?

Who likes who?

He was giving me all the information.

Will I Always Listen? Yes.

And in the grandiose world?

That means nothing.

Right?

They're middle schoolers.

Do we really have that much interest?

In who's dating who?

As an adult?

No.

Will I always say I'm interested?

Yes.

Will I always listen?

When they tell me these things?

Yes.

Because I am important enough?

For them to come tell me things?

That are important to them.

You wanna tell me who's dating who?

Who likes who?

I'll listen any day of the week.

You Got Grounded for What?

You wanna talk to me about:

I got grounded at home.

What'd you get grounded for?

"Well, I may have done this, that, and the other."

Okay.

Well.

Maybe we don't do those things.

But that's just it.

We talk about little kids?

How when they're in elementary school?

And they like their teacher?

They spill everything.

My mommy said this.

My daddy does that.

The whole business.

Your teens do it too.

Just differently.

And it takes a lot more trust?

For your teens to do it?

Than your little kids.

And apparently?

I've earned that trust.

I've Become Popular With the Kids

I've earned the trust to know?

Numerous things.

About numerous parents.

Numerous kids.

At the school.

I've become popular with the kids.

To the point where they're asking:

Where are you?

Where are you going?

What are you doing?

"You in the business?"

Yes.

"You know what that song is?"

Yes.

They don't see the world?

The way adults see the world.

At the End of the Day, They're Just Kids

They're learning about politics.

Who does what.

How things happen.

What the world is creating.

They're listening.

Growing.

Taking in all this extra information.

But at the end of the day?

They're just kids.

Who enjoy their time with each other.

A kid asked me today:

"Miss Jamesha, what's your favorite movie?"

I said:

Well.

It's an old movie.

I don't think you'll recognize it.

Another kid says:

"I love old movies."

It's not black-and-white old.

It's just older.

I'm not that old.

Is It Coming to America?

The first kid says:

"What kind of movie is it?"

It's a romance.

And the second kid?

"Is it Coming to America?"

No.

I'm not even sure?

Why you would jump to that conclusion.

But no.

That's not it.

And I could tell when he said it?

He didn't mean anything by it.

He's a teen.

Preteen.

There was no filter.

Just:

Thought.

Words.

Then he got embarrassed.

They Just Wanted to Talk to Me

Yes.

I could have taken it completely differently.

Gotten upset.

How dare you?

Why would you say that?

But they don't see the world like that.

They saw an adult?

They wanted to talk to.

Wanted to get to know.

Someone they wanted to share interests with.

At this point?

I've got girls asking me:

"Is he cute?"

Mind you.

Not guys in their school.

Men they're looking up online.

"Isn't he cute?"

No.

He's not.

In order to be nice?

I'm gonna walk away from this conversation.

"We think he's just so hot."

I mean?

You could do better.

I'm Glad My Opinion Matters

Not this school.

I'm not doing that.

The guys at your school?

I can't do that for you.

I will never look at them that way.

So I cannot confirm nor deny?

Their status for you.

But I'm glad?

My opinion matters enough?

That you want to talk to me about it.

You wanna check my nails.

Play in my hair.

It's that age?

Where everything is so muddled.

We're Still a Kid, but We're Not a Kid

Because the same kid?

Who wants to look at my nails?

"They're so pretty."

"I love your nails."

Is the same kid?

Who wants to sit and play in my hair.

Those are two drastically different age groups.

It's a drastically different world.

Because we're still a kid?

But we're not a kid.

It's so complicated being a preteen.

I would never want to go back.

But I'm glad they've decided?

I'm someone they can trust.

Someone they can talk to.

And there's no judgment.

Miss Jamesha, She Won't Give Me Gum

I'm someone they know.

To the point?

Someone gets petty.

"Miss Jamesha, she won't give me a piece of gum."

Is it her gum?

"Yes."

Okay.

Then no.

Did you think that was gonna work?

"Well, yeah. I thought she'd make her."

Why would I do that?

But I get to be involved?

In these little petty minor disagreements.

I knew they were joking.

I knew he didn't actually think?

I was gonna force somebody to give him gum.

But it's just:

I'm included in their day.

Things They Choose to Do

When they walk by me?

They fist bump me.

Say hi.

Make jokes.

Walk with me.

Things they don't have to do.

Things they choose to do.

I have become the popular kid?

At middle school.

Wherever You Go, You Know Somebody

And when I think about how I was?

In middle school.

High school.

I wasn't necessarily?

The popular girl?

In the strategic sense of being popular.

But I knew a lot of people.

I went to a really big high school.

And when I would walk across campus?

My friends would get upset.

"Wherever you go, you know somebody."

Well.

Yeah.

I know a lot of people.

"No. You're just really popular."

"You're a social butterfly."

I Am a Social Butterfly

I am a social butterfly.

I like everybody.

I don't know how not to like everybody?

For the most part.

So I make friends easily.

And because I make friends easily?

I know a lot of people.

Although that was me?

Grade school.

Middle school.

High school.

I don't feel like?

I have that same sensibility now.

I don't feel like I make friends?

The same way.

Remember When Making Friends Was Easy?

Remember when?

You used to make friends based off of:

"I like that color."

"That's my favorite color too."

"I'm also five years old."

Those days are great.

Now?

It's like:

Do you have a schedule?

That's slightly similar to mine?

Where we might be able to share our trauma together?

Maybe?

I miss being popular?

In the sense that?

I had friends I wanted to talk to?

On the phone all night long.

I Miss That

Not about depressing:

Life is hard.

Kind of things.

Although those things are important too.

But popular in the sense?

That we just enjoyed our time together.

I miss that.

I wish we could get that back.

That peaceful time?

Where the biggest worry was:

Do you think he likes me?

What did she say about my hair?

Why Does Everything Have to Be a Fight?

We don't live in those days anymore.

Right now?

We live in a world?

Where we're debating human needs.

Common decency.

Things I never thought?

I'd ever have to argue?

Or explain?

To somebody.

Can we please?

Just go back to:

That's my favorite snack too.

And finding the small things?

That made us friends to begin with.

Why does everything have to be a fight?

Some Things Are Worth Fighting For

And let me say this?

Before anybody takes it the wrong way.

There are certain things?

Worth fighting for.

I will fight tooth and nail?

For them.

But I shouldn't have to.

I shouldn't have to fight you?

To help take care of somebody.

I shouldn't have to fight you?

To love somebody.

Care about somebody?

Outside of yourself.

Those aren't fights.

Those should never be fights.

We're Twins

It should be simple.

You're wearing a green shirt.

I'm wearing a green shirt.

I have black shoes.

You have black shoes.

We're twins.

We're twins.

We're the same.

Man.

Weren't things easier to understand?

When that was what we based things on?

Apparently, I'm Popular Again

So?

I'm popular in middle school again.

I didn't think?

At my age?

That would be the case.

I keep getting told?

I don't look my age.

"Miss Jamesha, we didn't think you were that old."

Thanks?

"We thought you were in your twenties."

I don't know?

What you guys think 20 looks like.

But?

I'll take that as a compliment.

They've Decided I'm Someone They Can Trust

It's great knowing?

That I've made such an effect?

On kids' lives?

In the short month I've been there?

That they feel like?

I'm someone they can trust.

Someone they can talk to.

And I strive for that?

In all the things I do.

When I started Unperfectly Perfect.

When I started Dear Journal.

The whole concept?

Was to let voices be heard.

People be seen.

She's Gonna Listen to Me

That they could say:

If there's nothing else?

She is one person I know?

Will sit and talk to me?

About whatever's on my mind.

Big.

Small.

Ugly.

Pretty.

Good.

Bad.

She's gonna listen.

And not only?

Is she gonna listen?

She's not gonna diminish it?

Because she thinks less of it.

I'm Never Going to Tell Them It Doesn't Matter

It's never gonna be:

Why would I care?

That your friend in middle school?

Has a boyfriend.

I'm never gonna do:

You're too young?

To have boyfriends and girlfriends.

They don't feel like they're too young.

Let's talk about it.

Let's have a discussion.

Let's talk about?

Why you feel the need.

What you think that means?

In your life right now.

Does having a boyfriend or girlfriend mean?

You just like them a lot?

You wanna hang out with them?

More than somebody else?

Well then?

Yeah.

Okay.

That's not a problem.

Sometimes?

We have favorite friends?

That we wanna hang out with more.

I Enjoy Being Someone People Can Trust

I don't know.

I just?

Enjoy being someone?

Who people can trust.

And talk to.

I enjoy being someone?

Who always cares.

I'm never going to regret?

That I'm a caring human being?

Who sees people in need?

And wants to help.

Wants to listen.

I will forever be popular?

In that sense.

My Bite of Pie

So?

My Bite of Pie today.

Hmm.

I watched my Celtics win tonight.

I was disappointed?

That we didn't play our starters.

Although?

For good reason.

The season starts next week.

But?

I watched them win.

And it wasn't just?

Watching them win.

It was how they won.

We Weren't Playing Our Starters

We played the 76ers last week.

We had our starters in.

And the game?

Was astronomically bad for the Sixers.

And I thought:

Well.

That makes sense.

They weren't playing their starters.

So this time?

I'm like:

They're playing their starters.

And we're playing—

Nope.

We're not playing our starters.

Well then?

They should blow us out.

The way we blew them out.

Because we're not playing starters.

And we won.

Why Are You Getting Frustrated?

At first?

I was getting frustrated.

Like:

Hey.

We're losing this game.

Then I'm like:

Why are you getting frustrated?

We're not playing our A team.

Some of these guys?

Wouldn't even be considered the B team.

And I think that's stupid?

Because all of them are great players.

But we were playing?

Some of our lesser-known players?

Against some of their high-ranked players.

And we still won.

I Gotta Take the Shot Anyway

Which kind of reminds me?

Of that whole idea?

That I don't have to be perfect?

To get things done.

I just have to try?

As hard as I can.

I know my ability.

I gotta take the shot anyway.

So that's my Bite of Pie today.

Welcome to Being Popular

If you recognize?

That you're somebody?

Who everybody wants to talk to?

Welcome to being popular.

If you're somebody?

Who needs somebody to talk to?

Hi.

I'm popular.

I'm always willing to listen.

And if you're just?

Kind of in that in-between?

And you don't know where things are going?

I'm here for that too.

Whatever you need.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Responsible Me: I Need to Not Be Responsible for a Day

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever had to be something?

Not because you wanted to?

But out of necessity?

Being responsible isn't my first choice.

It's necessary.

But it's not my first choice.

Life Feels Heavy

Today?

Life feels heavy.

Not bad.

Just heavy.

It feels like all the things?

At all the times?

Are sitting on my shoulder.

When something goes wrong?

I'm expected to take care of it.

When something needs to get done?

It's my job to make sure it gets done.

Everybody expects things from me.

And I hate that.

I Don’t Get to Just Be

I hate that I don't get to just be.

That I'm responsible?

For everybody.

And everything.

And I recognize that's a choice.

I make that choice.

I get to decide whether or not to do it.

But it doesn't feel like a choice.

It feels like an obligation?

That I signed up for.

That I really didn't want.

I Love My Family

Don't get me wrong.

I love my family.

I'm always going to want to take care of my family.

That's not what this is about.

That's not what that means.

But sometimes?

I wish I didn't have to be the one?

That makes sure everything is taken care of.

There's a lot of stress in running a household.

Having a family.

And sometimes?

I wish that stress wasn't just on me.

Sometimes It Feels Like I’m Holding Everything Together Alone

I'm sure my husband is stressed too.

I understand that he is stressed.

Probably just differently than I'm stressed.

I can understand that.

But sometimes?

It feels like I'm holding things together by myself.

And today?

Today is one of those days.

Today is one of those days?

Where I just want to push everybody aside.

Lock everybody out.

I Needed Space

I even told my husband earlier today?

That I couldn't do this anymore.

I didn't think I could handle all the things?

That were going on.

All the things stressing me out.

So I just needed space.

I needed a break.

I needed to not be involved in it.

And my husband?

Being supportive?

Said:

Okay.

Take care of you.

Take the time you need.

I'll give you some distance.

I Still Felt Bad About It

And I appreciate that.

I appreciate that he heard me?

And is going to give me what I need.

But as the day went on?

I still felt bad about it.

Like I didn't deserve the chance?

To feel that way.

Like I didn't deserve that option.

There's too much to get done?

For me to worry about how I'm feeling about it.

I just need to make sure?

I get it done.

Take care of it.

I Don’t Want to Do It

So today?

I'm feeling extremely responsible.

I've got all these things I want to do.

All these things I need to do.

And they're all pulling me?

In different directions.

And I don't want to do it.

I'm going to.

I have to.

I don't want to.

The Schedule Is Bad

Yesterday?

I sat down to make myself a schedule.

All the things I want to put into my day.

And the schedule?

Is bad.

Not impossible.

But bad.

It has me getting up?

At 6:15 in the morning.

And getting home?

At 9:30 at night.

Then going straight to bed.

That's not a life.

There’s No Room to Breathe

That gives me no room to breathe.

No room to think.

No room to feel.

It doesn't give me time?

To pretend like I'm human.

To enjoy family.

Friends.

But I fixed the schedule that way?

Because I'm responsible.

There are certain things I want to take care of.

Everything Is Important to Me

I want to work my job during the day.

Then?

I want extra money.

So I work a job at night.

I want to go to the gym.

I want to do my podcast.

I want to work my business.

I want to write.

All the things.

And they're all important to me.

They're all important to me.

So apparently?

The answer is to squeeze them all in.

One day.

Because I only have 24 hours.

The Gym Needs to Happen

Someone suggested:

Well?

You don't have to do the gym every day.

And they're right.

I don't.

But it also seems disingenuous?

To constantly complain about how I look?

Then not do something about it.

So the gym?

Right now?

For my sake of being?

Needs to happen.

I don't know.

How Am I Supposed to Do Anything for Me?

How am I supposed to do anything for me?

If I'm responsible for everything else?

In a word?

It sucks.

I feel like there's this big weight?

Just sitting on top of me.

And I don't get to complain about how heavy it is.

I don't get to complain?

That I can't move it.

It's just?

What it is.

The Boulder Just Keeps Getting Bigger

It's this boulder I get to deal with.

Because things just have to be dealt with.

And as they continue to pile more?

Onto the boulder?

I figure out how to take care of it.

It doesn't occur to me?

To give some of it away.

I mean?

I've tried.

I've asked:

Hey.

I need help with this.

Hey.

Can you shoulder this?

And that doesn't get very far.

Eventually You Stop Asking

At some point?

You stop asking.

You stop reaching out?

For the thing?

That you know isn't there.

I heard a story recently?

About a husband and wife.

The wife would call the husband at work often?

Just to tell him about her day.

And eventually?

He got frustrated.

Told her to stop calling?

Unless it was an emergency.

So She Stopped

And she did.

She stopped.

For him?

It was:

She listened.

It's peaceful.

Then one day?

He came home from work.

And his daughter?

Was in a cast.

She'd fallen.

Hurt her arm badly enough?

That she needed a cast.

Which means?

She went to the emergency room.

And he didn't know.

Why Didn’t You Tell Me?

He asked his wife:

Why?

Why didn't you say something?

Why didn't you tell me?

And she said:

It wasn't an emergency.

I took care of it.

Our daughter was hurt.

I took her to the hospital.

Got her taken care of.

It's fine.

So he calls his brother.

Asks:

What do I do about this?

You Don’t Beg for Something Someone Doesn’t Want to Give You

The brother acknowledges?

That he's given her a book.

And she's read the book.

I can't remember exactly what it says.

But essentially?

She's living her life?

Not begging for something?

Someone doesn't want to give her.

You don't beg for something?

Someone isn't going to give you.

And I feel like?

I've been begging for lots of things.

Simple Things

Simple things.

But lots of things.

Tender moments.

Nice words.

Quality time.

Acknowledgement.

Friendship.

And not all of those things?

Have been asked from one specific person.

I know someone's gonna hear this and be like:

You're talking about me.

Why do you assume that?

I Am Drowning

I am drowning.

And your first reaction?

Is to make it about you.

I just?

Need to not be responsible for a day.

I need to be careless.

I Need to Be Careless

I need to go out.

Splash in the water.

Dance in the rain.

Not worry about?

Which bill needs to come out.

Who I need to call.

Whose meds need to be filled.

Who's getting where.

How they're getting there.

What groceries need to be paid for.

I want to not have to do it.

Just for a little while.

You Deserve a Break

Just to have that peace.

That bit of sanity?

That says:

It's okay.

You can take a break.

You deserve a break.

I don't know the last time?

I felt like I deserved a break.

When I didn't have to shoulder everything.

Life Is Hard and Heavy

Life is hard.

And it's heavy.

And I feel like?

You can either go through life?

With it being hard and heavy?

Or?

You can find people who care enough about you?

To share the responsibility.

I can acknowledge?

That it's hard to find people to share the responsibility.

It's hard to trust people enough?

To let them share it.

Especially?

When you've been let down countless times.

I’m Trying to Share the Responsibility

Today?

I'm doing my best?

To figure out how to share the responsibility.

I'm trying to figure out?

How to remove some things from my plate.

Replace them?

With things that are important to me.

Things I want to accomplish.

Things that mean?

I'm succeeding.

It Only Works If I Give Responsibility Back

But it only works?

If I'm willing to give responsibility?

To the people?

Who should have that responsibility.

I've gone far too long?

Accepting what everybody expects of me.

And now?

It's time for me?

To do something I expect from me.

Nobody Seems to Credit the Change

I keep hearing:

Everybody expects me to do this.

That.

And the other.

Because?

Well?

You've always done this.

That.

And the other.

But nobody seems to credit?

The change I'm making.

The changes I've made.

What I'm currently doing.

And there's nothing worse?

Than genuinely changing?

And nobody notices.

Well, It’ll Only Last So Long

People discount it.

Well?

It's only gonna last so long.

I don't want people like that in my life.

I don't need people like that in my life.

I need someone to believe in me.

Trust me.

Cheer me on.

Share the responsibility.

My Bite of Pie

So?

My Bite of Pie today.

I saw Throwy Throwy Guy.

He was walking through the hall?

With a friend.

And made sure to say:

Hi, Miss Jamesha.

Which is nice.

Because if you know anything?

About preteens and teens?

They don't have to acknowledge you?

In front of their friends.

Sometimes?

They just won't.

But he went out of his way?

To acknowledge me.

Every time he passed me today.

They’ll Never Know What That Means

He will never understand.

Because I will never tell him?

How much that means.

How much it makes my day?

That kids who aren't even the kids I'm working with?

Stop to find me.

Say hi.

I've got a few of them?

Who fist bump me in the hall.

Hi, Miss Jamesha.

How are you doing?

And it makes me feel?

Like I'm making a difference.

And that?

Is the best Bite of Pie I could ever have.

I'm making a difference.

If I Can Do It for Them, I Should Do It for Me

And if I can do that for them?

I should do it for me.

So if you're holding on?

To all the responsibility in your life?

But you have people in your life?

Who are supposed to be sharing it with you?

Maybe?

You need to reevaluate why that is.

Why you're keeping somebody so close?

Who doesn't want to help make it easier for you too.

It Doesn’t Mean You Have to Give Up on Them

It doesn't mean?

You have to give up on them.

It doesn't mean?

You have to cast them aside.

It doesn't mean?

They're not worth it.

It just means?

You have to revisit?

Why things are the way they are.

And everybody?

Has to be willing to work on them.

I’m Good at Carrying Everything

If that's you?

I'm there with you.

It's a learning process.

It's hard?

To give up all the things I've grown accustomed to doing.

Because?

I'm good at it.

And people appreciate me for it.

But I don't know?

If appreciation is the right word.

It doesn't feel appreciated.

It doesn't feel like it matters to anybody?

Other than:

It's just expected now.

Today Didn’t Have a Bad Ending

Today?

My story wasn't written the way I thought it would be.

But?

It didn't have a bad ending.

My day has been really good.

I enjoy my job.

I enjoy seeing the kids?

I get to see every day.

I got to play indoor tennis with one of my kids.

My goodness.

It was so hot.

But?

I'm having a great day.

Despite all the things going on?

In my head.

In my heart.

And that's worth something.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Love you loud.

Dear Nauseous Me: Today I Needed to Choose Me

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

What do you do when you wake up feeling sick?

And your day only gets worse from there?

I have been feeling horrible lately.

Couldn't tell you why.

Just tired.

Nauseous.

Blue.

And I still get up.

I still take care of the responsibilities that I have.

This morning?

Was no different.

Maybe I Felt Nauseous Because I Hadn't Eaten

I woke up.

Went to take my shower.

Got dressed.

Got out of the house.

Stopped at Starbucks for a pick-me-up.

Thinking maybe I felt nauseous because I hadn't eaten anything.

Nope.

Ate it.

Kept it down.

Still felt nauseous.

Then?

I worked.

I Felt Like I Needed to Apologize

While I was at work?

I decided it was time to reach out to my kiddo.

Kind of check in.

Figure things out, so to speak.

It wasn't so much that I needed anything from him.

I felt like I needed to apologize.

I needed to acknowledge the things I've done.

Because I think not enough times?

Parents acknowledge the hurt they've caused.

The pain they've caused.

And I think it speaks volumes?

When you can apologize for the mistakes you've made to your child.

I Know That I Hurt You

So I had that conversation.

And as I had that conversation?

My heart broke.

Because I know how badly I hurt him.

I know how much I let him down.

And I didn't make excuses for it.

I didn't reason it away.

It was:

I know that I hurt you.

And that's not okay.

I Was the Adult You Wanted to Trust

I was the adult that you wanted to trust.

And by hurt?

I mean I lied to him about something.

Nothing else.

But I feel like lying?

Is probably the biggest betrayal.

Because it's hard to earn trust back.

And that's my fault.

That's my fault.

And I own that.

I Could Feel Things Disintegrating

As I talked to him about everything that's been going on in our household lately?

I could just feel things disintegrating.

And that?

Coupled with not feeling well?

Made for a day I wasn't ready to handle.

So as I sat in class working?

I fought back tears.

And I don't know if the stress has gotten too much?

Or if there's something actually wrong with me.

I just know?

I was not doing well.

I Just Need You Tonight

So I came home from work.

Climbed into bed.

And phoned a friend.

I said:

Okay.

I just...

I just need you tonight.

I just need you tonight.

And they understood what that meant.

I don't do that often.

I won't do that often.

I only do it when it's absolutely necessary.

My One-Hour Nap Became Two

Then I laid down to take a nap.

What was supposed to be an hour nap?

Turned into a two-hour nap.

And when I woke up?

I felt better.

Presumably I'm hungry.

But I still just feel?

Wiped out.

Mentally and Emotionally, I've Taken a Lot of Hits

I think mentally and emotionally?

I've taken a lot of hits in the last little while here.

And I'm just wiped out today.

So I debated?

How I was going to navigate that with my podcast.

With writing in my journal.

Originally?

My thought was:

Well, I'll get on.

I'll do a recording.

And I won't show my face.

Because I'm embarrassed by how I look.

But?

This Is Real

This is real.

This is what it looks like?

When you're upset.

Sad.

Sick.

This is what it looks like?

When you're at your wits' end.

And you don't have any idea what to do next.

I know that at some point?

I'll figure it out.

Because I have to figure it out.

That's how life works.

It's constantly figuring things out?

And faking it until you do.

Tonight Isn't Going to Be Long

So this evening?

My podcast isn't extremely long.

Writing in my diary?

Isn't extremely long.

Because I'm just exhausted.

I just don't feel well.

And sometimes?

You still have to show up.

I wanted to make sure not only did I do that for you?

But I did that for myself.

There Are Days That I Absolutely Can't

It's easy to say:

I don't feel well.

This is going on.

I can't do the things I need to do.

Or even the things I want to do.

And I'm familiar with that.

There are days?

That I absolutely can't.

And I won't.

But although I'm hurting physically?

Mentally?

Emotionally?

It was important for me to write in my journal today.

I Want to Look Back at This Entry

Because I want to be able to look back on this particular journal entry?

And say:

Okay.

So what was the cause of that?

And how did we handle it?

And tonight?

There's no grandiose answer.

There's no question I can ask?

That just makes it all make sense.

Makes it clear.

I don't know what's gonna happen with my family.

And that's sad.

It's sad.

I Can't Fix It From Afar

I can't fix it from afar.

And while my first thought?

Is to run home and fix it?

I don't know if that's actually the answer.

So again?

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Where I feel like most days?

I probably live.

And I just have to bear it.

As I usually do.

My Bite of Pie

So my Bite of Pie today?

I listened to myself.

I was gonna force myself to go to my second job tonight.

And I knew?

That would not be helpful.

So I took the night off.

I came home.

And I passed out.

And while to many others?

That's not a big deal.

So what?

For me?

That's huge.

I Hate Not Showing Up

I hate disappointing people.

I hate not showing up.

But today?

I needed to choose me.

And clearly?

I needed it.

Because I came home?

And went right to sleep.

Sometimes We Still Have to Do the Hard Things

There are days that are going to be hard.

And we still have to do the things?

That we don't have the energy to do.

Some of them?

We're able to struggle through.

And do it.

Other times?

We're not.

Again?

I struggled through my first job today.

I'm doing my podcast now.

But I knew?

I couldn't handle more social situations?

Where I wasn't just breaking down.

Sometimes It Looks Like Reserving the Energy You Have Left

Sometimes?

It looks like reserving the energy you have left.

And so today?

I chose that.

Today?

I chose giving myself a break.

And that's what I did.

I'm There With You

So if you ever feel like you're doing things?

In a state of mind where it's just difficult?

And you're just making it through?

The best way you know how?

I understand that.

If you're questioning all the things?

At all the times?

And you don't know which way to go?

I'm there with you.

I Don't Like Today's Page

Today?

My page of the story doesn't look like what I wanted it to look like.

It has depth.

It has meaning.

But?

I don't like it.

And I know today's story?

Will have an impact on the rest of the chapter I'm writing right now.

And I get to decide?

How I want that impact to be.

Right now?

It's a work in progress.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Jumpy Me: That’s Not Self-Worth at All

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Are you the type of person who loves scary movies?

Scares in general?

But you get jumpy over the oddest things?

I am a huge horror movie fan.

I've liked them since I was a little girl.

And I can tolerate a lot watching a movie.

Blood.

Gore.

The whole nine yards.

If I see it in person?

Drastically different.

My Phone Freaked Me Out

Today started off like no other.

My phone started going off.

And it kind of freaked me out.

Which is weird?

Because I usually don't have my sound on.

So it woke me up earlier than I thought it would.

And that just kind of had me thrown off.

I wasn't feeling very well.

Eventually?

I got up.

Got motivated.

Got dressed.

Got ready for work.

Then left later than I usually do.

I Missed Every Turn

I missed every turn I was supposed to take for work today.

Every turn.

But?

I got to work.

Sat down.

Listened to some music.

Jammed out on the way.

Work went really well.

I made tea today.

I made really bad tea today.

But?

I still drank it.

Or most of it.

I enjoyed my time with my kid.

Then Throwy Throwy Guy found me in the hallway.

So he talked to me.

And overall?

It was a good day.

Minus the Whole Being Responsible Thing

Minus the whole:

Being responsible.

Trying to figure out my life.

Thing.

I'm in the midst of figuring out where I want to end up?

Employment-wise.

And I am not very good at it.

Guys.

I'm sitting on the job I have?

Plus two offers?

And I have no idea how to pull the trigger.

There are jobs that pay more.

There are jobs that pay less?

But have a better schedule.

How does Adult Me know how to choose that?

She doesn't.

At all.

She's stumped.

I Know the Answer, but I Don’t Know the Answer

I was on edge this morning.

Still trying to process everything in my head.

You know how you know the answer to something?

But you don't know the answer?

Okay.

That probably sounds dumb.

Let me try to explain.

I'm really good at logically figuring things out.

I'm a pretty smart cookie.

I can do that.

However?

Emotional Me is like:

No.

We're not going with that.

We don't believe that.

We're not standing on that.

I’ve Been Struggling With Knowing How People Feel About Me

The last couple of days?

I've been really struggling with knowing how people feel about me.

Knowing how much they care about me.

How much they love me.

And still?

Convincing myself that I wasn't worth that.

So today?

I finally said:

Let me talk it out.

Because if I have to hear myself say it?

If I have to read the words I'm writing?

Hear the words I'm saying out loud?

Then I'm kind of forced to say:

Yeah.

That sounds kind of off.

I Word-Vomited on My Friend

So today?

I did just that.

I word-vomited on my friend.

And I was like:

Okay.

Here's the deal.

My brain is overthinking.

Over-processing everything.

And I need it to stop.

And the only way I could imagine it stopping?

Was to just blow it up.

So I did.

People Can Love Me and Still Like Somebody Else

Then I gave myself some things that are reassuring.

People can love me?

And still like somebody else.

It doesn't make me less than.

It just means I'm loved.

And people don't have to keep telling me they love me.

I also don't have to believe just their words.

Their actions?

Should match their words.

I'm saying these things as affirmations to myself?

Because I struggle with believing?

On any given day?

That anyone would choose me when there's another option.

Love Isn’t a Competition

So I'm reminding myself:

Love isn't a competition.

And honestly?

I think I handled it really well today.

I went throughout my day.

Had a good day.

Then I got home.

Sitting in my room.

Minding my own business.

Thinking about what I should have for dinner.

I Want Breakfast Food

I have a craving so bad.

I want breakfast food.

But?

I want a specific breakfast food.

And I don't want to go to the store?

To get what I need.

But I also don't want to pay a million dollars?

To have it sent to my house.

So?

Quite the conundrum.

I probably won't have it.

Then I'll be stuck on it for the rest of the week.

That's how my brain works.

And Then I Jumped

Anyway.

I'm sitting in my office.

Preparing for my podcast.

And I can hear my roommates interacting with each other.

One was simply informing the other of something.

I don't even know what the details were.

But the other person got really loud.

And I jumped.

Like?

Jumped.

It had no effect on me.

Nobody was fighting.

Nobody was mad.

But for whatever reason?

I got scared.

I’m Behind a Locked Door

I'm sitting in my room.

Behind a locked door.

And I'm so jumpy.

So scared.

Over something that has nothing to do with me.

Which is weird.

Usually when I do my journal?

I do it off the main feeling for the day.

But for whatever reason?

Even now?

I've got goosebumps.

I'm shaky.

I'm not quite settled.

I don't know how to calm my heart down.

My heart is beating really fast.

And overall?

I'm freaked out.

Things in My Head Scare Me

And that reminded me of earlier today.

Jumpy?

Is probably the best word to describe it.

I get into my head.

And I get into these situations in my head?

Where things just scare me.

There's not any particular thing happening?

That should be scary.

It's just the ideas in my head?

That when I add them up?

Terrify me.

I’m Terrified of Not Being Wanted

For me?

I'm terrified of not being wanted.

I'm terrified of not being loved.

I'm terrified of disappearing?

And nobody noticing.

And it's really interesting?

Because if you listen to those fears?

Those fears are less about me being scared?

And more about my perception of how others see me.

I’m Not Afraid to Get Lost

I'm not afraid to get lost.

I'm afraid that if I am lost?

Nobody will care.

I'm not afraid to try.

I'm afraid nobody will notice.

And I don't know where I decided?

That I needed to hang my hat?

On somebody else noticing things.

But it is quite prevalent?

That that's what I do.

I’m Always Seeking Approval

And it's dangerous for me.

Dangerous in the sense that I'm always seeking approval.

Affirmation.

That I'm doing a good job.

That I'm doing the right thing.

That I have skills desired by somebody else.

I can't just stand on my own account?

And say:

No.

I know what I'm doing.

I'm good at this.

I'm just rather jumpy about it.

I Need Reassurance Constantly

I just need reassurance constantly.

And then?

I felt really bad.

Because that means I'm always seeking it from somebody.

And I can see why that would get really annoying.

I have a great group of friends.

And I only let so many people into my small circle.

It's a very small circle.

Mum’s the Word

I tell people:

I have acquaintances.

But I don't have a lot of friends.

That's how I live my life.

Even some of my best friends?

Will tell you they don't know everything about me.

I'm very:

Mum's the word.

Which is weird.

Right?

Because I get on here every night?

And tell you my life story.

But there are things?

When they really, really matter to me?

I keep them really tight to the chest.

Only a few people know about them.

I’m Trying to Figure Out Life

So?

I'm just trying to figure out life.

In the best way I can.

And I'm stumbling.

I will say?

I'm having more up days than down days.

I haven't felt manic in a while.

I haven't felt depressed in a while.

I have days where things are questionable.

Do I really feel that way?

Do I really think that way?

Maybe I Need a Thought Book

I've often told myself?

I should probably carry around a book.

Not like a journal journal.

But a book where I can write down:

What my thought is?

Versus what's actually happening.

Like:

I sat in the chair.

I turned on the computer.

I started the podcast.

Versus?

I felt overwhelmed doing it?

Because if I didn't do it?

People were gonna be disappointed in me.

And if people were disappointed in me?

They won't want to watch anymore.

And if they don't want to watch anymore?

It just rolls down that hill.

All day.

Every day.

I Won’t Excuse Myself

I won't excuse myself.

Now?

I do this with regularity?

Because I enjoy writing in my journal.

But there's a part of me?

That's already mapped out how upset people would be?

How upset you guys would be?

If I don't do the podcast for the night.

And realistically?

This is for me.

I'm glad you guys join me.

I'm glad we can understand each other?

On some of these fundamental ideas of mental health.

But at the end of the night?

Writing in my journal?

Is for me.

The way I want writing in your journal?

To be for you.

Sometimes We Don’t Feel Like Writing

And to be honest?

We don't always feel like writing in our journal.

There are some days?

We just don't have it in us.

To sit down.

Describe our feelings.

Our day.

What's going on in our heads.

But knowing that?

I think that's probably the day it's most important to do so.

This Is the Longest I’ve Journaled as an Adult

I've enjoyed writing in my journal.

And I thank you guys?

For keeping me—

Not humble.

But humble too.

Keeping me in line?

To stay with it.

I've started a journal so many times in my life.

I have journals from when I was a little girl.

Still keep them.

I would start.

Then stop.

Start.

Then stop.

This?

Is probably the longest as an adult?

I've done a journal.

And it feels good.

It feels necessary.

I’m Learning Things About Myself

I'm learning things about myself?

That maybe I already knew.

But I'd never quite seen?

The way I see them now.

So again.

The jumpy thing.

Why is it?

That make-believe situations don't scare me?

But real-life situations?

Like:

My gosh.

People are talking loudly.

Or:

My gosh.

They like somebody else.

Scare the Jesus out of me.

Neither of Those Things Are Inherently Scary

Neither of those things?

Are inherently scary.

Sometimes people talk loudly.

That's okay.

And people like multiple people.

That's okay.

I have to learn where I've decided?

That my self-worth?

Is based off what somebody else sees in me.

Because that's not self-worth at all.

That's literally?

The opposite of self-worth.

Why Have I Decided I’m Less Than?

And I have to decide?

And figure out?

Why I've decided I'm less than.

Do I have the answers to that?

No.

Not at all.

That's a work in progress.

It's one of those things?

You'll probably hear me bring up multiple times in my journal.

Because it's something I've gotta figure out.

Something I have to process.

Ask myself questions about.

Then reread my answers and say:

That doesn't make any sense.

Or:

Yeah.

But that's not exactly what I meant.

It's a process.

Journaling Is a Process

Journaling is a process.

Talking about your feelings?

Conveying how you feel accurately?

Is a process.

Because I can feel jumpy?

About someone being loud today.

Then tomorrow?

Be screaming with somebody.

Having fun.

Giggling.

Laughing.

Things change really quickly?

If you allow them to.

My Bite of Pie

So my Bite of Pie today?

Let's see.

I had apple cinnamon herbal tea.

But?

I used one tea bag?

For 24 ounces of water.

Yuck.

Why is that my Bite of Pie?

Because it meant I actually drank water today.

And I detest drinking water.

With every fiber of my being?

I hate drinking water.

So the fact that I managed to get 24 ounces down today?

Yay me.

Is It Time for You to Leave Yet?

What else did I do today?

I really feel like I paired with my new client.

He and I seem to get along really well.

Although?

He cracks me up.

It's always:

"Is it your time to leave yet?"

"Is it almost time for you to go?"

He doesn't say it in a mean way.

Just in a:

I'm done learning for the day.

Kind of way.

Bro.

Feel you.

Same.

I Got My Feelings Out

And?

I got my feelings out.

I was nervous about getting them out.

I didn't want to be dismissed.

I wasn't dismissed.

I was heard.

And it was appreciated.

It meant a lot to me.

So I'm hoping that somewhere?

Your jump scares aren't jumpy because they're dangerous.

They're jumpy because?

In your head?

You've made them into something they don't need to be.

Like Spiders

Like spiders.

Spiders scare me.

Every time I see a spider?

I get scared.

But it's a spider.

And I'm bigger than it.

Logic says.

But?

I'm also afraid of butterflies.

Ladybugs.

Crickets.

Grasshoppers.

And I have a house in the country.

Guys.

It makes no sense.

Maybe It’s Not as Bad as We Thought

I do things?

Then wonder why it works the way it works.

So if you're out there?

And you're feeling jumpy?

I want you to process that.

Write it in your journal.

Think about why it happens.

Where it began.

What we can do about it.

And as you process that in your journal?

I'll process it in mine.

And maybe?

We'll both come to find:

Huh.

That's not as bad as we thought it was gonna be.

Maybe?

Maybe we can lift that fear?

Just a little bit at a time.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Second Best Me: I’m Not Your Second Best

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever experienced a time where someone told you something?

And it just felt like they cut you off at your knees?

It's not like it was something you didn't know.

It just still took you over by surprise.

Yesterday?

I enjoyed my day.

Yesterday night?

I enjoyed my night.

And then?

I had a conversation with a friend.

I Asked a Stupid Question

They were on their way home.

And I asked a stupid question.

And I got an answer I didn't like.

In the moment?

I handled it quite well.

It didn't faze me.

It was just kind of:

Huh.

Okay.

Whatever.

But the more I had time to think about it?

The more it overtook me.

One Answer Decided My Whole Life

I decided that one answer?

To one very small question?

Decided my whole life in that moment.

Now.

Is that true?

No.

Not at all.

But that didn't change it from feeling that way.

I struggle with feeling like I'm second best?

At everything.

There’s Always Gonna Be Someone Better Than Me

I never measure up.

To anyone's expectations.

Anyone's beliefs.

There's always gonna be someone better than me.

And yesterday?

While I was talking to this friend?

I asked about their interactions with certain people.

And I got back an answer that hurt my feelings.

I don't believe the intent?

Was to hurt my feelings.

I don't think that was a thought?

In any way.

Shape.

Or form.

But?

It did.

How Dare I Feel That Way?

And in the moment I felt that way?

I convinced myself of two things.

One?

That I was stupid to feel that way.

Because how dare I?

And two?

I still felt that way.

Then?

It went from:

You're second best.

To:

You're replaceable.

Everywhere you are?

You're replaceable.

There’s Only One Me

I understand the concept:

There's only one me.

People have told me that for years.

There's only one you.

No one can replace you.

But in the end?

I'm replaceable.

If I leave my husband?

He finds somebody else.

Another girl that'll make him happy.

That he'll love?

As if I didn't exist.

If I leave my job?

They'll find someone to replace me.

I Just Want Someone to Love Me

And as I had these thoughts?

I got really sad.

Because all I could think was:

I just want someone to love me.

And those aren't even the same things.

Being loved by someone?

And being first place?

Aren't synonymous.

But in my head?

And in my heart?

That's what it has to mean.

But What If?

So all day long?

I've just sat in this icky spot.

My brain going back and forth.

Back and forth.

Well?

You know that doesn't mean they don't care.

You know that doesn't mean you aren't important.

You know that.

And then there's always that little voice in my mind?

That says:

But what if?

What if that's what they meant?

What if you were just one amongst a sea of others?

What if you weren't that important?

What if you made yourself more special?

Than you actually are?

I Have Convinced Myself I’m Replaceable

That hurts.

But I think what hurts the most?

Is it's not so much that someone else believes it.

Or someone's told me that.

Because that's not the case.

It's that I have convinced myself?

So easily?

That I'm replaceable.

I'm unimportant.

I have to be first?

Or I don't exist.

If they don't love me the most?

Then that's it.

I'm not worthy.

Second Best Means You Weren’t the Winner

I'm second best.

And second best?

Means you weren't the winner.

I don't think there's a first place and second place in love.

Logically?

I know that doesn't exist.

And yet?

Here I am.

Beating up on myself today?

Because I might not be a first choice.

Then I'd be a last choice?

Hell.

I might not even be a choice.

I Have to Wade Through What Is True and What Is Emotion

So?

I've had to sit with it.

And I don't like it.

What do I do in moments like that?

I have to wade through?

What is true?

And what is emotion?

For me?

Those can be very different things.

Very different things.

Emotionally?

Mentally?

I can assume all the things.

But that doesn't make them true.

I Rekindled-ish a Relationship

Last night?

I rekindled-ish a relationship.

One I never would've thought I'd rekindle.

And I don't mean that in a bad way.

I just?

Never expected to hear from this person again.

I found the number.

Reached out.

It was them.

And I was super excited.

This person has had a profound spot in my life.

In more ways than one.

We Were Kids

We started talking back and forth.

About life.

How we've grown.

Spouses.

Relationships.

Where we live.

Our growth in general.

Because?

We were kids.

We were kids.

And as we're talking?

I'm remembering things about that relationship.

Things that make it so profound for me.

Things that were said.

Things that were done.

Things I won't bore you with?

Because they won't mean to you?

What they mean to me.

In That Moment, I Wasn’t Second Best

Some of the sweetest words?

Were spoken to me during that time in my life.

And I cling to them.

Because in that moment?

I wasn't second best.

Which is interesting.

Because now?

That isn't our relationship.

That isn't where we're at.

But the sentiment at the time?

I think absolutely meant?

That I wasn't second best.

And I knew that.

I’m Not Second Best

There was something about how it was presented.

How it was said.

That let me know?

That wasn't the case.

And even now?

While parts of that statement might still be true?

I understand them to be true?

In a drastically different way.

I'm not second best.

Maybe?

I'm just not loved the way I want to be loved.

Maybe I'm not received?

The way I want to be received.

And that's not the same thing?

As not being good enough.

I Have to Challenge That Thought Process

At some point?

I have to challenge those thought processes.

I have to take a step back.

And realize?

If I keep thinking this way?

It's gonna go bad.

It's gonna go poorly.

Because it's not the truth.

It's something that's really hard for me to combat.

Because I live in this sense of:

I'm not enough.

I'm not good enough.

I'm not wanted enough.

I'll never measure up.

But?

That's not true.

What Standard Am I Even Using?

I don't even know what standard I'm abiding by.

I asked my kid the other day:

What do you think are the things we want you to do?

And they gave me this list.

And I was just like:

None of those things?

Are at all what I expect.

And I guess what I thought was crazy?

Not for them.

For me.

Was how often?

We have this unrealistic idea of what people expect from us.

We Measure Ourselves Against Things That Aren’t Even True

We measure ourselves?

To this concept?

Of what they want us to be.

That's so far from the truth.

So?

I don't know.

I feel like I should have a conversation.

I should get clarity?

Before I jump to conclusions.

Before I make decisions.

Because my first reaction?

Is always to make rash decisions.

And then ask myself:

Why did that happen?

Why Do I Keep Minimizing Myself?

Why do I insist?

On minimizing myself?

Who I am?

What I stand for?

What good I bring?

The knowledge I bring?

I don't have to be everybody's first choice.

I'll be the right person's first choice.

And that's okay.

I Had Bad Thoughts and a Good Day

It was an interesting day.

Not a bad day.

I had a good day.

School went really well.

I got to see Throwy Throwy Kid.

He was in a great mood.

I heard him yell my name?

Lots of times.

Because?

I'm now a fixture in his life.

I Started a New Job

I got to take a late lunch today.

Which was different.

I didn't think I was gonna like it.

But I did.

Especially with it being Monday?

And our schedule being wonky.

Then?

I started a new job.

With a new client.

And he and I?

Hit it off really well.

That was kind of cool.

I feel like me and the parent?

Hit it off really well too.

I had a good day.

I had bad thoughts.

I had a good day.

Both Things Can Be True

I recognize those two things?

Can be true?

At the same time.

My day didn't go badly.

My mind just kept trying?

To go places it didn't need to go.

But I was cautious about it.

I was able to feel the feelings?

Without letting them encompass the day.

I think that's important.

Separating Feelings From Reality

It's something I have to get better at doing.

More mindful at doing.

Separating my feelings?

From the reality of things.

I enjoyed myself today.

I didn't think I was gonna enjoy this new job.

I looked for every reason under the bus?

To cancel today.

And then?

I didn't.

Proud of myself.

I Am My Biggest Stressor

I don't even know why I wanted to cancel.

I just felt really overwhelmed.

And again?

I wasn't overwhelmed by anything?

Other than me.

I am my biggest stressor.

I know how to put myself in these situations?

Where I'm just like:

What am I doing?

And today?

Those thoughts were there.

They were heavy.

They were icky.

But I didn't let them consume me.

I Still Enjoyed My Day

I still laughed.

Sang.

Danced.

Talked to friends.

I charged my car.

I don't know if I told you guys about me charging my car?

But like?

It works.

I am quite pleased with it.

I didn't think I was gonna like a car?

That I have to plug in.

But?

I'm enjoying it.

I'm trying new things.

And they're working.

They're working.

They’re Gonna Be Mine

I don't always know how things are gonna end.

They're not always perfect.

I know that.

They're not gonna be perfect.

But they're gonna be mine.

It's gonna be a part of the story that I write.

And in the end?

It's gonna be something amazing.

I'm going to conquer?

So many of the things I stumble on.

I know I am.

I choose to.

I Don’t Want to Keep Living in Chaos

I don't want to be stuck?

In the same cycle?

Where I've gone through this.

Nothing can change.

This is the life I know.

I grew up in chaos?

Therefore I have to perpetuate chaos.

No.

I don't want to continue living in chaos.

I don't want to continue to be hurt.

Sad.

Upset.

Lonely.

Feel abandoned.

I recognize those feelings?

And I can say:

Mmm.

Nope.

That doesn't work for me.

I’m Not Your Second Best

I'm not your second best.

That's not a position?

I'm willing to hold.

My Bite of Pie

So my Bite of Pie today?

Realizing?

That not everything has to be so black and white.

Which?

Is saying a lot.

Because for me?

Everything is black and white.

But I'm learning.

I'm growing.

And it feels good.

It feels different.

Odd.

I don't always like it.

But?

It feels good.

I’m in the Trenches With You

So if you're out there?

Feeling like you're second best?

Not good enough?

Not pretty enough?

Not loved enough?

Not wanted enough?

I'm there with you.

I'm in the trenches.

We have to remind ourselves?

That it just may be the person we're dealing with?

That makes us feel that way.

And if that's the case?

We should find something better.

No one should ever make us feel second best.

We're worth the world to someone.

But more importantly?

You're worth the world to yourself.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Discombobulated Me: Sometimes Boring Is Necessary

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever had what's considered a negative feeling feel good?

Like?

You know it's supposed to be a bad term.

But for some reason?

It just seems fitting in the most positive of ways.

Today?

I have been up and down.

I went to bed at a decent time.

Then woke up.

Went back to sleep.

Woke up.

Went back to sleep.

I Had Nothing Planned for Today

No particular reason.

I wasn't upset.

I didn't feel sick.

Nothing.

I just had nothing planned for today.

So finally?

At five-something this morning?

I'm like:

Well, if I'm awake?

I may as well order some donuts.

And I did that.

While I waited for my donuts?

I fell asleep.

Then I woke up.

Got them DoorDashed here.

Ate them.

And I was just like:

Okay.

Well.

I'm tired.

I'm going back to bed.

So I did.

I Didn't Set an Alarm

I didn't set an alarm.

I had no plans for when I should get up.

I had things I wanted to do.

But none of them had deadlines.

So?

I went back to sleep.

Then I woke up.

And a friend asked:

"How are you feeling today?"

Discombobulated.

And I'm like:

Mentally?

Emotionally?

Physically?

Yes.

But It Wasn't Negative

It wasn't in a negative way.

It was just?

I got really good sleep.

I wasn't worried about anything.

I almost didn't recognize the room I was in.

It was just that really good feeling?

When you got enough rest?

And you wake up like:

Wait.

What happened?

Where am I?

But everything was fine.

Everything was fine.

Everything Was Fine

It feels like it's been a long time.

It hasn't.

But it feels like it's been a long time?

Since I've just felt like everything was fine.

I haven't fought with Kansas today.

I haven't been upset by anybody today.

I haven't been in my feelings.

I haven't been stir crazy.

I got my nails done.

Very fall colors.

Very me.

I just?

Was today.

I'm Enjoying Just Being

I worked on some projects.

Well.

Some quizzes.

Not projects.

That I had to take.

I have plans to possibly work on a few more things.

We'll see how far that goes.

I'm just enjoying my Sunday.

I'm enjoying just being.

I'm not rushing to do anything.

I'm not rushing to get anywhere.

I don't owe anybody anything.

I'm just able to peacefully breathe.

And it feels nice.

I Don't Feel Guilty About It

And for once?

Not only does it feel nice?

I don't feel guilty about it.

At home?

I'm usually like:

Well.

You've got stuff to take care of.

You've got groceries to do.

You have laundry to finish.

You've gotta make sure everything's ready for the week.

And it's not that those things aren't important here.

Because I still have to do those things.

It just doesn't feel overwhelming.

Why Does It Feel So Different Here?

I wish I knew what the difference was.

I wish I could figure out why chores here?

And chores there?

Feel so different.

Why here they're just:

I'll get to them when I get to them.

I've never been that person.

Again?

You can set your clock by me.

If it's Saturday?

I get up.

And I do my laundry.

In the same order?

That I always do my laundry in.

Look at Me Walking on the Wild Side

The fact that this week?

I was just like:

You know what?

Not only am I gonna do my laundry on a Friday?

I'm gonna do it every other Friday.

What?

Every other Friday?

Look at me walking on the wild side.

And for anyone who knows me?

They know that sounds crazy.

That is so unlike me.

And it's nice.

I Don't Have to Be So Structured

It's nice to not have to be so structured with myself?

That I feel like I can't be fluid.

I have to celebrate those wins where I can.

Today was just a good day.

I was able to relax while getting my nails done.

Work on some projects.

I love being able to take my work with me?

And just chill.

Tomorrow I Start a New Job

Tomorrow?

I start a new job.

And oddly enough?

I'm not nervous about it.

I'm at peace with what's going on.

And what I'm setting into place.

That doesn't mean all of it's gonna work out.

I don't expect everything to be perfect.

But it's nice to be in a position?

Where I feel positive about it.

Where I feel like:

Hey.

This tunnel isn't so dark.

I can see a light.

I can see where this is going.

It Also Makes Me Sad

And in ways I can't begin to explain?

It also makes me sad.

Not in a sitting-in-a-dark-room-crying kind of sad.

But in a:

I want to share this with the people who mean the most to me.

And I don't know how to do that.

I want them to feel this peace.

This joy.

This happiness.

This serenity.

But how do I convey that to people?

When all they know is chaos?

I Know What Those Things Feel Like

All they know?

Is how to be stressed out.

Unloved.

Unwanted.

Uncared for.

Because I know what those things feel like.

It's hard.

It's extremely hard.

They are overwhelmingly hard to deal with.

But it's almost like?

At some point?

You have to decide you don't want to stay in that mindset.

It's Not Like Flipping a Switch

And I don't pretend it's just as easy as flipping a switch.

That's not me.

I don't think:

Well, today I'm happy.

So tomorrow I'll just continue to be happy because suddenly I'm happy.

No.

There's a good chance this week?

I'm gonna spiral at some point.

I'm gonna think:

Nobody loves me.

Nobody cares.

The difference?

I'm going to push myself not to stay in that headspace.

I'm Going to Find Something Good

I'm gonna push myself not to stay in that space.

I'm gonna challenge myself?

To find something good.

However small it is.

Today?

I made my bed.

Nothing grand.

But I made it.

It's pretty.

I liked it.

In My Head, I've Gone Shopping

I think we did some shopping.

I didn't actually buy anything.

In my head?

I've gone shopping.

There's some skirts I want.

Some dresses I like.

But right now?

Me and clothes have a love-hate relationship.

I don't like the way I look.

So I won't buy clothes for myself.

Which?

Actually doesn't help.

But usually?

Something like that would just kill me.

And it has.

Being Discombobulated Was the Best Thing Ever

Today?

Being discombobulated was the best thing ever.

It was okay to wake up?

And be confused.

Unaware of what I'm doing.

Unaware of where I'm at.

Because I was still safe.

I still felt peace.

But I think more importantly?

I felt at home.

I Don't Mean Home as a Physical Place

And I don't mean home as in a physical place.

I don't know when I last felt like home was a physical place.

If I'm being honest?

It was probably a long time ago.

But?

Something feels right.

And after this last weekend?

With the fights I've had?

The drama that's been present?

It's nice to know?

I don't have to stay in that bubble.

I Wish I Could Bring Everybody With Me

I wish I could bring all the people with me out of that bubble.

I don't think everyone's ready to come out of that bubble.

And that's their choice to make.

They get to decide that.

Unfortunately?

I can't stay there with them.

I love them.

I care about them.

I want the best for them.

I will always want the best for them.

But the best for me?

Isn't staying where they're at.

Meeting You Where You're At Doesn't Mean Staying There

That's a hard lesson to learn.

Because we're so used to:

Let me meet you where you're at.

And I agree.

One hundred percent.

I love to meet people where they're at.

I work in a field where meeting people where they're at?

Is so important.

But the concept of meeting you where you're at?

Is to help pull you up from where you are.

Not leave you sitting there.

And if the idea is that you just want to sit in the place you're at?

You don't want to move?

There's nothing I can do about that.

It's Like a Child Throwing a Tantrum

It's like the child throwing a tantrum.

They're flailing on the floor.

They're not wanting to get up.

You go over there.

You talk to them.

But if they're not gonna get off the floor?

Well?

You can either come.

Or I'm gonna leave.

Most often?

Kids are just like:

Don't leave me.

Okay.

Well.

I'm glad I was able to meet you where you're at?

And you're coming with me.

It's all about movement.

It's So Easy to Get Stuck

It's so easy to get stuck.

So easy to feel stuck.

It's so easy to feel overwhelmed.

Overshadowed in this world.

It's so easy to get lost?

In all the things you're supposed to do.

Have to do.

When you have to be there.

How you have to be there.

How you have to do it.

It's nice to have a day where you're just like:

What?

What was I supposed to do today?

How's that work?

Sometimes Boring Is Just Nice

I don't know.

It's just been a great day.

I got to talk to my husband.

I got to talk to boyfriend.

We're getting along right now.

And I got to talk to my best friend.

I smiled.

I laughed.

It was a good day.

I feel like this episode is rather boring.

And I don't mean for it to be.

I just?

Had a good day.

And sometimes boring?

Is just nice.

Sometimes boring is necessary.

And today?

I needed a boring day.

I needed a day where it was just:

I got nothing.

My Bite of Pie

So my Bite of Pie today?

I slept in.

And it felt great.

I talked to people who were important to me.

And that felt great.

I went and got my nails done.

Multitasked.

Did some work at the same time.

And I ate real food.

Because apparently?

That's a whole thing.

To eat real food regularly.

I had donuts this morning.

But apparently?

That wasn't enough.

Then I came home.

And I ate.

I Have Nothing to Complain About Today

And I was excited to do my journal today?

Because I have nothing to complain about.

I have nothing to be upset about today.

And I find that odd in my life.

So?

I'll take being discombobulated.

I'll take being boring.

If it means things went well today.

You Are Not Responsible for All the World's Issues

So if your day was discombobulated?

If you woke up and were just like:

What?

What day is it?

What time is it?

Not out of panic.

But out of a:

Ugh.

I had nothing else to do today.

I hope you had the best of days.

And if you woke up feeling stressed?

Upset?

Like there are a million and one things you have to get done by yourself?

I'm sorry.

You don't.

You're not responsible for all the world's issues.

You're not responsible for all the issues alone in your house.

That's just not how it is.

Share the burden with somebody.

Talk about it.

Work through it.

Figure it out with somebody else.

Because doing it alone?

Is hard.

You deserve to have someone there in your corner.

I'd love to be in your corner?

If you let me.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Free Me: I’m Willing to Fight With You. I’m Not Willing to Fight Against You.

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever experienced having all this emotion just bottled up inside of you?

But the moment you finally let it go?

Everything just feels free.

It's like you needed the release?

But you didn't know what to do with it.

Or how to get it.

Today was Saturday.

I didn't have anything to do.

Other than get fingerprinted.

But last night?

Was rough.

I Tapped Out

I was dealing with everything in Kansas.

And at some point?

I just tapped out.

I said:

I can't do it.

Tapping out.

Done for the night.

And when I got up this morning?

There was just a plethora of things to wade through.

It was a mess.

It was a mess.

Before I Responded, I Gave Myself Time

Before I responded?

I wanted to give myself time to think on it.

Process it.

So I thought about it for a while.

I reread the messages.

Replayed conversations.

Thought.

Sat.

Listened to myself.

Then?

I crafted a response.

And my response essentially said:

Hey.

This is where I'm at.

This is how I feel.

This is what I think.

I May Not Be the Perfect Mother or Wife

I may not be the perfect mother.

I may not be the perfect wife.

I may not ever be that to anybody.

But?

I've always been willing to try.

I've always asked questions.

I've always asked what is needed of me.

I'm always willing to do the work.

And then?

In another relationship today?

I poured my heart out.

Not in the:

Oh my God.

Sobbing.

Kind of way.

But in a:

Hey.

I recognize I've been holding back.

I Have a Rough Relationship With the Word Okay

I recognize I've been holding back?

Because I hear these things that are said.

But I replay them as something else.

I have a rough relationship with the word:

Okay.

In the past?

Hearing okay has been very dismissive.

So when someone uses okay with me?

I don't take it as reassurance.

I don't take it as:

I acknowledge what you're saying.

I instantly take it as:

Dismissive.

I Didn't Know How to Handle the Distance

I think I told you guys last week?

I've been struggling with a friend.

Because I didn't know how to handle the absence.

Or the distance.

So today?

I went back.

Read some of those messages.

And he had pointed out:

You're holding something back from me.

And when you're ready to tell me?

You will.

And he was right.

I Didn't Know What to Say

I hadn't been open with everything that was going on with me.

Because I didn't know how.

I didn't know what to say.

I didn't know how to approach it.

And finally?

Today?

It just kind of opened like a floodgate.

It poured out of me.

I said:

I recognize things freak me out that shouldn't freak me out.

Things make me sad that shouldn't make me sad.

And let me explain that.

Because my feelings?

Are my feelings.

I'm always going to have those.

What If He Likes Them More Than Me?

But for example?

He likes this person.

What if he likes them more than me?

Well?

He's allowed to like someone more than you.

We're friends.

No.

I need to be special.

And if I'm not special?

Then he must not care.

And if he doesn't care?

Then what's the point of being friends?

And it just spirals.

Right?

I Decided Everything Has to Be a Competition

I don't do it intentionally.

I just decided that everything in my life?

Has to be a competition.

Yes.

That comes from many years of competing with others?

For affection.

For love.

But?

I don't have to do that anymore.

So I took the time to explain:

That's what's been going on with me.

I Thought You Were Gonna Punish Me

I thought for a moment?

You were upset with me.

And you were gonna punish me for it.

And because I felt some kind of way?

That you didn't care.

And he pointed out:

If I didn't care?

I would just say I didn't care.

I said okay because I was busy doing something else.

But I wanted you to know I was acknowledging you.

Well?

Yeah.

I guess okay could mean that too.

Getting the Words Out Was a Relief

Having that conversation?

And mind you?

He was still just as busy today.

But being able to get all those words out?

Was a relief.

I didn't necessarily need his response to them.

His response was nice.

It was appreciated.

He heard me.

Understood where I was coming from.

It wasn't an attack.

It wasn't an insult.

It wasn't any of those things.

He took it for what it was.

I had all this stuff bottled up inside me.

And it was weighing me down.

I didn't know what to do with it.

And when I finally got it out?

There it was.

There Are So Many Knots Inside Me

There are so many times I feel like there are just knots inside me.

And I'm sure there are physical knots inside me too.

From the mental health.

But everything becomes so much work.

So overwhelming.

And I don't like being like that.

At some point in the conversation?

I was crying.

Because I said:

I recognize I'm doing this.

I see the behavior.

I don't like the behavior.

I don't know how to change the behavior.

I Hate Myself and I Hate That You Have to Deal With It

I said:

I hate myself.

And I hate that you have to deal with it.

And he said:

"That's human."

And I said:

But no one should have to deal with that.

And his response?

"It's just you."

Well?

I don't like that part of me.

"You're fine."

Something so simple.

I've Been Taught My Emotions Are Too Big

I've been taught that my emotions?

Are too big.

Too loud.

Too overwhelming.

So instead of sharing them?

I shove them down.

Then I shove them down some more.

I hide them.

I eat them.

I overspend them.

I do everything?

But process them.

Talk them out.

Let the person know:

Hey.

That didn't sit right with me.

I Recognize That I Lie to Them a Lot

Even talking to my husband and my kid today?

It was:

I recognize that I lie to them a lot.

Not because I'm cruel.

Not because I want to hurt them.

Because?

It's just easier for me.

It's easier for me to put that distance between us.

Give up.

And just say:

Ugh.

Whatever you want to hear.

It's fine.

This is where I'm at.

That's not helpful.

That doesn't serve any one of us.

I Hide

I acknowledge that I hide from them.

When they are too overwhelming for me?

Instead of saying:

Hey.

I need space.

Hey.

I can't handle this right now.

Hey.

This is too much for me.

I hide.

And then?

Because I'm hiding in my own home?

Because I'm hiding and I ran to California?

It's:

You didn't even care enough to notice me to begin with.

Well?

Did I Communicate Those Needs?

Did I take the time to let them know?

Did I take the time to communicate those needs?

Those wants?

Those feelings?

Well?

No.

It was overwhelming.

I didn't know how to do that.

And so?

Instead of being forthcoming?

I made them my enemy.

I’m Willing to Fight With You

Today?

I said something to my child?

That I feel like I should've said to myself a long time ago.

I am willing to fight for you.

I am willing to fight with you.

I'm not willing to fight against you.

And I don't think he was ready to hear those words.

I don't think those words mean anything to him quite yet.

And he's entitled to feel that way.

He's entitled to process that however he needs to.

But for me?

It's a big deal.

I'm Tired of Fighting Against Everybody

I've had so many people for years?

Fight against me.

If they didn't like what I was saying?

If they didn't like what I was doing?

Then it was just a problem they had to fix.

Just butting heads.

But I don't want to fight against anybody.

I'm tired of fighting against everybody.

Fight with me.

Fight for me.

Or leave.

I'm not fighting against you?

To prove my worth.

To prove my boundaries mean something.

To prove that I am worth what I think I am worth.

I Deserve These Things

I've fought really hard to get to the spot where I am.

Where I've decided:

Hey.

I deserve these things.

Because I do.

I deserve to be smiling.

I deserve to be happy.

Because I do.

I deserve a life that's not miserable.

And that's only gonna happen?

If I'm willing to set forth the effort.

Set these boundaries.

Say:

No.

It goes no further than this.

Today I Feel Free

So today?

I feel free.

Today I had hard conversations.

Usually?

Those hard conversations make me feel some kind of way.

I'd be upset.

Sad.

I'd shelter in.

Prepare for the storm that it would bring.

Afraid of what someone was gonna say to me.

Today?

I said:

You know what?

No.

They're Going to Be Hard, but They're Going to Be Truthful

I'm gonna have those conversations.

They're gonna be hard.

They're gonna be unpleasant.

But?

They're gonna be truthful.

I'm going to say my piece.

Because that's all I can do.

Either?

They'll accept it.

Or?

They'll reject it.

But I did what I needed to do for me.

I Wasn't Cruel About It

I wasn't cruel.

I wasn't mean.

I wasn't demeaning.

I simply said:

Hey.

This is where I stand.

This is why I stand there.

This is what I can do.

This is what I can't do.

And it was reasonable.

It wasn't:

No.

That's just who I am.

I'm not changing.

Because sometimes?

The way you are?

Needs to change.

Sometimes You're the Problem

Sometimes the things you do?

Are problematic.

The things you say?

Are problematic.

You have to be willing to make adjustments.

You have to be willing to do the hard things.

The icky things.

The things that make you uncomfortable.

You have to be willing to say:

Okay.

I see that.

I may have been the problem there.

I Will Own My Part

And today?

I did that.

In both conversations?

That had absolutely nothing to do with each other?

I said:

I see where I am the issue.

I'm not the only part of that issue.

I'm not taking blame for the whole thing like I used to do.

But?

I will own my part.

I will own my responsibility for the situation we're in.

I Should Have Set Better Boundaries

I should have set better boundaries.

I should have spoken up?

When something was bothering me.

I should've communicated:

Hey.

This is what's going on.

That's on me.

That will always be on me.

It's my job to advocate for myself.

We've talked about that here.

It's something I'm working on.

Your Reaction Is on You

As much as it's my responsibility to advocate for myself?

It is still your job?

To control how you react.

How you feel.

I am not responsible for your actions.

It doesn't get to be:

Well, because you did this?

I didn't do this.

Or:

I didn't do this because you could've done it.

No.

You didn't do your part?

Because you didn't want to do your part.

That's on you.

My reaction to that?

Is on me.

Your reaction?

Is on you.

We've Already Lost the Plot

We make excuses constantly.

Well?

You could've called me.

Yeah.

I could've.

And I own that.

I could've called you.

But if that's your retort?

We've already lost the plot.

Because your actions aren't determined by my actions.

They're determined by how you feel.

What you want.

What your boundaries are.

Today?

I said:

You know what?

That's what that looks like for me.

And that's okay.

My Bite of Pie

So my Bite of Pie today?

I had really hard conversations.

That people didn't necessarily like.

And I said:

Well?

I'm sorry you don't like it.

I'm sorry it upsets you.

It doesn't make it invalid.

It doesn't make it wrong.

But I'm willing to work with you through it?

If that's something you want.

And?

I got my favorite pizza.

I tried a new mini churro snack.

Which?

Was amazing.

And I watched my Celtics win.

Well.

They haven't won yet.

But I'm speaking it into existence.

The Celtics are gonna win tonight.

I Didn't Let the Conversations Ruin My Day

I had a good day.

In spite of the bad things that happened.

I didn't let those conversations ruin my day?

Like I usually would.

I didn't let somebody else determine?

That I should be miserable.

Because:

Well.

They didn't like what I said.

It'd be different if I was mean.

Cruel.

Hurtful.

I didn't do any of those things.

I have no reason to be sorry or upset about them.

So?

I'm not.

I Genuinely Had a Great Day

I genuinely had a great day.

I felt free.

I felt like me.

Peaceful.

At ease.

I had fun.

I laughed.

I played.

I danced.

I sang.

That's how days are supposed to go.

You Don't Have to Keep the Weight on Your Chest

And they're so much easier?

When you don't have this weight sitting on you.

All these things you need to say.

Get off your chest.

But you keep to yourself?

Because you don't want to upset somebody else.

Sometimes?

Setting boundaries means upsetting somebody else.

Sometimes?

Speaking about what you're going through?

How you're feeling?

Is going to upset somebody else.

Especially when they're not used to accountability.

Again?

That's a them problem.

You're Still Responsible for Taking Care of You

You're still responsible for taking care of you.

So if today?

You wanted to feel free?

And you did?

And you did what you needed to do?

To make yourself feel better?

I'm proud of you.

And if you're sitting somewhere thinking:

My gosh.

This person's gonna be mad at me.

They're gonna be upset with me.

Because this is what I feel.

This is what I'm saying.

I'm proud of you too.

I Know How Hard It Is

I know how hard it is.

I know the challenge you face?

In telling someone how you feel?

And feeling like you're gonna lose that person.

I get that it's scary.

It's hard.

It's unpleasant.

And that shouldn't be the case.

I think if it gets to the point?

Where we're scared to talk to somebody who means something to us?

That speaks volumes about where they should be in your life.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Hated Me: If You Hate Me Because I Set a Boundary, That's on You

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever recognized that you tend to be hated more?

The more you set a boundary?

The more you show respect for yourself?

The less people want to deal with you.

Like?

That is the story for the day.

I Cried Myself to Sleep

I got up.

Went to work.

After crying myself to sleep last night?

I decided to venture out and take a new job.

And instantly?

It felt like there was a boulder sitting on my chest.

Because I was walking away from a kid?

Who I wasn't done seeing grow.

And for me?

That's really hard.

It's heavy.

So last night when I made the decision?

I cried.

Hard.

Long.

Sobbing tears.

Because just that quickly?

That kid had become part of my life.

And I?

Part of his.

I Tried All the Things

I've been trying all the things.

Trying to figure out how I could stay at this particular job?

And get everything situated the way I needed it to be.

All the bills covered.

Everybody good.

Everybody in a happy spot.

And I can't.

And that sucks.

It hurts.

Because the one thing I would like to do?

Is be there for a kid who has now trusted me to be there.

You're the Fourth Person This Year That's Left

I went into work today?

And my heart was a little heavy.

Knowing what was happening.

I told a few people:

Hey.

Just so you know?

I might be leaving.

And one of the aides was just like:

"You're the fourth person this year that's left."

Then:

"I'm not trying to make you feel guilty."

Okay.

Thanks.

And then?

I went on about my day.

Miss Jamesha's Here

I met my throwy-throwy kid in one of our first classes.

He was super into answering questions.

Active.

It was just great to see him in his element.

Then I took a late lunch.

Usually?

I'm back by the time their class starts.

Today?

That didn't happen.

So I went to lunch.

Sat there with my thoughts.

How am I going to say goodbye?

Am I going to say goodbye?

What does that even look like?

And somehow?

Lunch was over as soon as it started.

I walked back to the classroom.

Opened the door.

And I hear:

"Miss Jamesha!"

"Miss Jamesha's here!"

Did you guys think I wasn't coming back?

But I wasn't expecting someone to be excited?

Because I walked through the door.

It felt good.

And it felt sad.

You Got This

They were taking a test.

And my throwy-throwy guy?

Man.

Does he try hard.

We sat him down.

Gave him his test.

Gave his peer the other test.

Then?

Guys.

Stop talking.

Guys.

Stop talking.

Eventually we moved one.

I walked up to my throwy-throwy guy.

Hey.

Keep going.

"I don't know if I can do this."

You've got this.

Keep going.

He would do a problem.

"Is that right?"

Just keep going.

You've got this.

It's all there.

You know it.

You Know More Than You Think

He'd do a couple more problems.

"Well, this is how this works?"

Yep.

"Am I spelling this correctly?"

You're spelling that correctly.

Then he'd do some more.

Some of it?

Just simple math.

And he kept solving.

Eventually?

I sat down next to him.

And I just kept saying:

You got this.

You can do this.

You know more than you think.

You have to trust yourself.

We Never Went Over This

We got to a part where he said:

"We never went over this."

It's okay.

You've got this.

You get it.

And he just did it.

He understood it.

It clicked.

He finished his test.

Started writing the last portion.

Then went to turn it in.

The teacher said:

"Okay. Great."

Then he realized:

"Wait. There's still more time left in class?"

Yeah.

"I've never finished early before."

You did today.

Because you're smart.

I Need Him to See What He Accomplished

The teacher gave him a five-minute break.

So he could go relax.

And I asked her:

Hey.

While he's gone?

Do you mind correcting his test?

I need him to see instantly what he's accomplished.

She said:

"I can do that."

So she corrected it.

He came back.

She handed it to him.

And he's like:

"You're done with it already?"

Yep.

"I've corrected your test already."

"What's my grade?"

I'll Take It

It's graded in three different segments.

He looks at one?

C.

Looks at another?

B.

Looks at the other?

B.

"So I got like a B?"

Well, yeah.

If you average it out?

You've got like a low B.

"Low B on the cusp of C?"

"I'll take it."

"That's great."

And he was excited.

"I did this."

"I did this."

"I didn't think I understood it."

"I did understand it."

"I can't wait for the next test."

Well?

It's fractions.

"I think I can handle fractions."

Great.

Let's see you handle fractions.

The Last Time, He Turned in Nothing

A kid who turned in this exact test weeks ago?

With nothing on it.

Nothing.

Today?

He took the test.

And got a B.

I've only been working with him for a couple of days.

He didn't need me to work with him because he didn't understand the material.

He needed somebody to say:

Hey.

You've got this.

You do understand this.

It's there.

Well, Miss Jamesha, You're My Tutor

I asked him:

Hey.

Do you have a tutor?

"Well, no."

"They were supposed to get me one, but like, we never did."

Okay.

Have your parents reach out to me.

I will gladly tutor you.

And he was like:

"Well, Miss Jamesha, you're my tutor."

Well?

Let's see if we can get this in some capacity?

So I can help you with all your classes.

Not just the two I work in.

How Do I Leave That?

Then the bell rings.

I go home.

I'm sitting in my car.

And I'm just doomed.

Because how do I leave that?

How do I walk away?

Knowing that for him?

"Well, you're my tutor."

Like this is why he's doing so well.

No.

You're doing well because you know the stuff.

It's in there.

You just need somebody to encourage you to do it.

And Then Kansas Happens

My day is going great.

I'm thinking:

All right.

This is how the day's gonna progress.

I can live with this.

I can do this.

And then?

Kansas.

Kansas.

Kansas.

Happens.

I feel like it's the first thing that's just going to sink me under.

Things happen in Kansas.

I'm trying to deal with them to the best of my ability.

My kid's upset.

My husband's like:

Those are the new rules.

Those are the consequences of actions.

Kid doesn't like them.

Kid calls me.

Kid is yelling.

Upset.

Then?

The kid tells me:

"I hate you both."

And hangs up.

What Would You Do If Your Kid Told You He Hated You?

I remember asking my husband once:

What would you do if your kid ever told you he hates you?

And my husband looked at me and said:

"Well, I expect at some point in time it's gotta happen."

What?

He said:

"I expect at some point my child is going to tell me he hates me."

And that baffled me.

Because growing up?

I could never fathom thinking to tell my parents I hated them.

I remember saying:

If I ever had that thought?

My dad would be in jail instantly.

People in jail would ask:

"Why are you here?"

And he'd say:

"Because my daughter thought she hated me."

And everyone would instantly understand.

All right.

Yeah.

That makes sense.

That Wasn't How I Grew Up

That wasn't how I grew up.

We didn't have those thoughts.

Let alone voice them?

To our elders.

So for me?

It's a different level of disrespect.

When you're trying to tell somebody you hate them.

If you're gonna hate them?

Stand on it.

Words like that?

Can't be taken back.

Once they're out there?

No amount of apologizing removes that ink.

Today I'm Hated Because I Didn't Undo the Boundary

So today?

I'm hated by a kid I brought into my home.

To love.

Care for.

Raise.

Because my husband set boundaries?

And I didn't make my husband undo them.

So as I'm sitting there?

Relishing in being hated, I guess?

I started thinking:

How often do I lose people?

Because I set boundaries?

Did They Leave Because I Was Mean?

I can't remember a time where I've just been downright cruel and mean to somebody?

And that's why they walked away.

And I say that?

Processing the concept that it's very rare.

That people walk away from you because you were mean to them.

Versus?

They didn't like that you stood up for yourself to them.

Sucks.

But it's true.

I Didn't Run After Anybody This Time

It's not some newfound idea.

Obviously?

It's always been out there.

Probably not my first time thinking about it.

But this?

Is the first time in a long time?

That I didn't run after somebody to fix it.

I didn't say:

Hey.

How do I get you to not like me?

How do I get you to stop hating me?

You wanna hate me because I set a boundary?

Okay.

That's on you.

You Get to Make That Decision

You get to make that decision.

We can be best friends.

We can be worst enemies.

But you get to decide where you want to lie in that.

And when you choose?

Make sure you choose.

Knowing that if you choose one of them?

You can't come back from it.

That's not how that works.

I'm Sorry Doesn't Magically Erase It

We've gotten so used to being mean.

Hateful.

Saying awful things to each other.

Then thinking:

Well, I said I'm sorry.

And it magically erases it.

If you had every intention on being mean?

It shows in how you act with somebody.

And because it shows in how you act?

Your apology is gonna hit like bricks.

It's not gonna mean anything.

You Chose to Be Hurtful

You're expecting forgiveness for something you did intentionally?

To be hurtful.

"Well, I didn't mean to say it."

But you did say it.

You had every opportunity to think through what you were doing.

What you were saying.

How you were feeling.

And instead of keeping your mouth shut?

Walking away?

You chose to be hateful.

Okay.

You got to make your choice.

I get to make mine.

If You Hate Me, It's Best I'm Not Around You

If indeed the choice is that you hate me?

Then it's best that I'm not around you.

We don't have anything else to talk about.

If in your anger?

Your first response is to be disrespectful?

Rude?

To me?

No matter who you are?

We don't have a reason to stay in contact.

Knowing and Caring Are Two Different Things

We talk about kids who walk away from their parents?

And go no contact?

All the time.

And we've made it so parents don't get to decide:

Well, you weren't that great to me either.

And yes.

There are growing pains.

You're learning.

You're adapting to the world.

Absolutely.

But even when we're young?

We're taught:

Hey.

Your words hurt people.

They have a huge effect.

You know that.

Knowing?

And caring?

Are two drastically different things.

Today It Feels Good to Be Hated

The fact that you knew?

And did it anyway?

Speaks volumes.

So?

I'm hated.

And you know what?

Today?

It feels good to be hated.

I never thought in a million years?

I'd say it felt good to be hated.

But in the grand scheme of things?

If you hating me means that I stood up for myself?

And I set a boundary?

It needed to be set.

My Bite of Pie

So what was my Bite of Pie today?

I got to see my throwy-throwy guy pass his test.

I got to see him light up when I walked into class.

I got to hear that the kiddos I'm actually working with?

Are doing better.

People are seeing a difference since I've been there.

Mom is seeing a difference since I've been there.

I know how to do my job.

I do my job well.

Praise the Kid

I don't often hear credit for it.

And I don't often want the credit for it.

Because for me?

It's just:

That kid deserved it.

That kid needed that attention.

If we could just believe in him a little bit more?

He'll go so far.

I don't need you to praise me for that.

I need you to praise him for that.

But still?

Tonight?

It was nice hearing that I was doing a great job.

Even if it made me question every choice I made last night.

Help Me Make a Decision

So this weekend?

While I'm off?

I'll go back and forth a million and a half times.

Which job should I keep?

I'll cry about it.

I'll call everybody I know and say:

Help me make a decision.

Help me make a decision.

Help me make a decision.

And they'll all tell me the same thing:

You'll be fine.

You'll figure it out.

And I'll cry:

I can't figure it out.

You're not helping.

And eventually?

I'll figure it out.

I'll make a decision.

And somehow?

It'll be the right one.

I Have to Trust Myself

I have to trust myself.

And I laugh and smile about that now.

Because as my kiddo did his math?

And worried he was doing it wrong?

Every time he thought he was doing it wrong?

And I knew he was doing it right?

I told him:

You just have to trust yourself.

And today?

That's coming around full circle.

If he has to trust himself?

To know what he's doing?

I have to trust myself.

To know I'm doing the right thing?

For me.

And my family.

That?

Was my Bite of Pie today.

If People Hate You Because You Set Boundaries

If you notice that the more you set boundaries?

The more you don't allow people to walk all over you?

The more you say:

Nope.

That's not okay.

And people hate you?

You're doing something right.

People hate having to be respectful?

When they didn't have to be before.

People hate having to follow rules?

When they thought they could walk all over you.

So be hated.

In the best of ways.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Exasperated Me: I Can't Save Everybody

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever had a week where everything seems to annoy you?

It's not necessarily the big things.

It's just the small stupidity things.

Things that shouldn't typically get under your skin?

But somehow?

They're just agitating.

I've done really good this week with staying positive.

I've had a really good week.

I've had moments with kiddos that have felt like they were life-changing.

I've had interviews that have gone well.

I've had praise.

I've given praise.

I've given love.

It just feels good.

But there's still this picky, nagging annoyance?

Just sitting there.

At This Point, I'm Not Even Sure If I Want to Fix It

Today?

I feel like it came to fruition even more.

Two different situations.

One?

It is the ongoing fight I have with a friend.

I'm still trying to navigate what's going on there.

How to fix it.

And I just don't know.

At this point?

I'm not even sure if I want to fix it.

Versus feeling like it's a necessity to.

And that seems like a really bad reason.

Then?

There's Kansas.

Whenever I think things might be starting to get figured out?

Kansas lets me know that they aren't.

And honestly?

I don't know what to do about that.

I Don't Know How to Split Myself in Half

I have ideas.

I have suggestions.

But nothing I can actually put into play while I'm sitting here.

And I'm really liking it here.

I'm really enjoying learning about myself.

Learning to explore doing things for me.

I just don't know how to split myself in half.

I don't know how to duplicate the me that's here?

For there.

And I don't even mean that in a physical way.

I mean the me that feels like I can do anything and everything here.

How do I get that girl back in Kansas?

How do I embrace her there?

And show her that she can be that person no matter where she's at?

This Job Wants Me. That Job Wants Me. This Job Wants Me.

I'm feeling wanted.

But again?

It's a job thing.

It's the usual:

Well, this job wants me.

That job wants me.

This job wants me.

I know I can't take them all.

I'm not gonna take them all.

But it's hard to pick one.

I love where I'm at.

I love the place I'm working at.

I love the kiddos.

The staff is extremely nice.

But financially?

It may make more sense to branch out somewhere else.

My Heart Has Gotten There

And that's hard for me.

Generally speaking?

I'm very financially forward in the things that I choose.

The things that I do.

But if for a moment?

My heart is somewhere in it?

It's much harder for me to walk away.

And my heart has gotten there.

I love seeing kids just:

Hi, Miss Jamesha.

Hi, Miss Jamesha.

Waving at me in the halls.

Making sure they come say hi to me.

Inviting me to their classrooms.

What's Good for My Wallet Versus What's Good for Me

I don't know how to navigate the world of doing what's good for my wallet?

Versus doing what's good for me.

I try to tell myself that even if I switch jobs?

I could always make those same impressions at the new place.

But I hate feeling like I'm leaving a kid behind.

Like I've given them something to go for?

And then I'm just like:

By the way.

I don't really care enough.

I left.

Because that's not ever how it is.

Every child that's crossed my path?

I've felt tremendously for.

I don't know how to not care tremendously.

I think that's one of my faults, actually.

Damaged Because People Didn't Care Enough

Especially working with the children I've worked with in my past.

I come across some really hurt kids.

Damaged kids.

And not damaged because of themselves.

Damaged because people didn't care enough to hold themselves accountable.

To treat them right.

To love them right.

And I don't understand that.

I don't understand how you can look someone in the face?

And do them wrong intentionally.

That will always baffle me.

And it's always something I want to be combative against.

I Don't Always Know How or When to Let Go

So I meet these kids.

And I take them on wholeheartedly.

And I don't always know how or when to let go.

Sometimes?

That's at the detriment of myself.

Not because I want to hurt myself.

And not because I don't care about me.

Although?

If we're being honest in the grand scheme of things?

I care less about myself than I do the others.

If I Could Just Change One Thing

I just have this idea about the butterfly effect.

If I could just change one thing?

Make one little ripple?

It'll change the world.

I know that's extreme.

I recognize that's extreme.

I'm a dreamer.

I'm a huge dreamer.

And in my perfect world?

Everything works out.

The way I want it to.

I have the house.

The car.

The kid.

The husband I get to come home to.

We have booming businesses.

I foster until I can't foster anymore.

I adopt until I can't adopt anymore.

And I take all the love that's bottled inside me?

And I give it to others.

In a perfect world?

I would do just that.

This Is an Exasperating World

But this is not a perfect world.

This is an exasperating world.

And in my exasperated world?

Everything just bugs me.

He breathed wrong.

He sighed wrong.

He said that wrong.

What does he mean by that?

I don't know how to deal with the overwhelming feeling of:

My gosh.

Someone's out to slight me.

And it's been a lot recently.

Sometimes I'm Just Exhausted by People

Okay.

I don't know if I'm explaining this right.

I have people in my life that I care about.

And as much as I care about them?

Sometimes I'm just exhausted by them.

I do not have the mental capacity to share my time with them.

And that always makes me feel like a horrible person.

Because if you love people?

You show up for them.

And trust and believe?

I want to show up.

All the time?

I want to show up.

But even when wanting to show up?

Sometimes I just can't.

My Social Battery No Longer Exists

And I think that's what leads to me just being exasperated.

I just feel annoyed.

Anxious.

Like I just want to scream:

Leave me alone.

But I don't really want them to leave me alone.

I'm just saying?

My social battery to handle these situations?

No longer exists.

I have to go recharge.

And if I can't go recharge?

If I can't fill myself up?

It's not gonna go very well.

I Love You, but You're Disturbing My Peace

I'm still trying to figure out how to have those conversations.

How do you look someone you love in the face and say:

You know what?

Right now?

You're a lot for me.

I can't do this.

I have this peace that I'd like to keep right now.

Inside this little bubble that I'm in.

And you are disturbing that peace.

I love you.

But you're disturbing my peace.

Those are hard words to say to someone you care about.

Because initially?

It sounds like you don't care.

But I think it's less that you don't care?

And more that you're starting to care more about you.

And your boundaries.

Not My Circus. Not My Animals.

That's a new ballpark for me.

To say:

I'm sorry.

Not my circus.

Not my animals.

Because sometimes?

That's what it looks like.

Sometimes it's listening to my kid and my husband bicker.

And it's just:

I'm not involved in this.

You guys can figure it out on your own.

And I hate saying that.

Because again?

It comes across like I just don't care.

I do care.

You Guys Are Capable

But I also care enough to know that you guys are capable.

Capable of talking it out?

If that's what you want to do.

Working it out?

If that's what you want to do.

Or saying:

Hey.

It's not gonna work.

We need to do something different.

I can't save everybody all the time.

I Can't Save Everybody

I can't save everybody.

And I want to.

I try to.

I can't.

For a long time?

That really bothered me.

Because all I wanted to do?

Was help everybody.

Maybe?

Maybe I don't help everybody.

Maybe I help the one person?

Who helps the next person?

Who helps the next person?

And it just keeps going.

That?

I think I could live with.

I could live with being the start of something.

What If the Ripples Aren't Negative?

Life-changing?

I know.

That's what my thought was today.

That I can make moves.

I can make waves.

In a positive way.

I'm so used to convincing myself that I make all these negative waves.

Negative ripple effects.

But what if they're not negative?

What if they're happening for a reason?

And maybe I don't understand the reason sitting here?

Explaining it to my journal?

But that doesn't mean it doesn't happen for a reason any less.

My Bite of Pie

So my Bite of Pie today?

I made a kid smile.

I made them feel seen.

I made another kid laugh.

I watched another kid light up because she saw me walking through the halls.

I got to talk to companies that really want me to work for them.

And that felt good.

It felt like they recognized my expertise.

My skills.

And then?

I knew how to walk away when I couldn't handle something.

I said:

Hey.

This is how it's presented to me.

And there's nothing else I can do about that.

And I let it be.

Because that's all I could do.

Sometimes You Have to Let It Be

I think sometimes when we get exasperated?

We have to learn to do just that.

We have to learn to say:

You know what?

This is out of my hands.

There's nothing else I can do about it.

I can be your sounding board.

I'm willing to be your sounding board.

I just can't solve your problems for you.

I'm not the solver.

But I can be a great listener.

Do You Want Me to Listen or Solve It?

My husband used to ask me something a while ago?

That has always stuck with me.

Do you want me to listen?

Or do you want me to solve it?

Because those are two different things.

Oftentimes?

We just want someone to listen.

I will figure out how to solve the problem.

I just need someone to hear me.

I need a sounding board.

So?

Do they need someone to listen?

Or do they need you to solve it?

You don't have to be their solver.

You can just be their listener.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Healing Me: As I Heal Others, I'm Healing Myself

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever sat and wondered what's something that you're good at and why you're good at it?

Like something you're able to give of yourself?

But you don't know where it came from.

I decided today that I think the skills I possess?

Are the shortcomings that I didn't have given to me.

Let's see if I can make this make more sense.

I Love to Make People Feel Loved

I'm a natural-born giver.

I'm a natural-born leader.

I love to love.

And I love to make people feel loved.

In the way that makes them feel the most seen.

So today?

Ordinary day.

Get up.

Go to work.

Stop and get breakfast.

Good day.

I sat in my classes.

I laughed.

I talked.

I joked.

Then I got to my last class.

I laughed.

Played.

Joked.

And talked to that one special student.

He was just like:

"I have a football game today."

You Should Come See Me Play

I said:

"I should come see you play."

And he said:

"Yeah."

Where's the game at?

Here at the school.

What time?

4:30.

And if you come?

My mom should be there.

You can meet my mom.

I don't even work with you.

I'm not here to work with you.

But you want me to meet your mom.

So, of course?

The sappy-heart person that I am?

Today is the one day I don't actually work late.

I don't have my other job on Wednesdays.

Sure.

I'll go to your game.

I Had a Two-Hour Wait

School gets out around 2:30.

The game started at 4:30.

That means I had a two-hour wait.

I don't live in Palo Alto.

I don't have friends in Palo Alto.

Didn't matter.

I was gonna be there for this student regardless.

I got there.

Ate my dinner in my car.

Sat there.

Waited.

Then as it got closer to game time?

I got out of my car.

Went and sat down.

Waited some more.

And eventually?

I started hearing chatter.

There's no game.

It got canceled.

There's no game.

It got canceled.

I'm Staying for Practice Anyway

There were still kids there.

I could hear my kiddo's voice.

A group of boys left.

And I thought:

Surely they left because there's no game.

There was just practice instead.

The guys who stayed?

Started warming up.

My kiddo came back and said:

"Miss Jamesha, the game was canceled today."

And I said:

"I heard.

But I'm staying for your practice anyway."

I think that surprised him.

I think it surprised him that not only did I show up when I didn't have to?

I stayed even after there wasn't anything to stay for.

The Throwy Throwy Guy

So he played.

And we laughed.

Because as I'm learning about football?

I'm learning in the silliest ways.

We've got the throwy throwy guy.

Apparently that's the quarterback.

He throws it to the catchy catchy guy.

Apparently that's the wide receiver.

Then you've got the black-and-white stripe people.

And we're just having fun with the terms.

I'm like:

Okay.

But don't be surprised if you hear somebody yelling:

"Go, throwy throwy guy!"

And he goes:

"Bet. Okay. I'll know it's you."

Someone Who Wasn't Required to Cheer Him On

I think for him?

It was nice to have somebody who wasn't required to cheer him on?

Want to cheer him on.

And I don't know where I would've learned that.

Because it's not like I feel like I've had a bunch of people in my corner going:

Go, Jamesha.

Go.

You got this.

But I've been really good at being that person for other people.

And being that person for other people?

Makes my heart smile.

I feel like as I'm healing others?

I'm healing myself.

It feels good.

It's like I'm telling the little girl who wished she could've had that:

It's okay.

You didn't have it.

But you're giving it to others.

When's Their Next Game?

At the end of practice?

I'm talking to him.

Talking to his coach.

His coach said:

"That's really cool that you came out just to hang out and watch their stuff."

And I'm like:

Well, they didn't get to have a game today.

When's their next game?

Next Wednesday.

Okay.

Tell me where it is.

I'll be there.

Really?

Yeah.

I'll show up.

It Is So Overlooked How Much It Means to Simply Show Up

It is so overlooked how much it means to simply show up for somebody.

It wasn't any big gesture.

It wasn't any grand speech.

It was just:

Hey.

I'll be there.

And honestly?

Now that I know there's a game next Wednesday?

I think I wanna make a sign.

I want a sign that says:

Go throwy throwy guy.

Go catchy catchy guy.

Go blocky blocky guy.

And apparently?

Go all the things.

Because I'm learning that apparently in football?

A lot of people play lots of different things.

It's a whole thing.

Somebody Showed Up Who Didn't Have To

But just seeing the looks on my kids' faces?

When they realized somebody showed up who didn't have to?

I loved it.

My kiddo and I talked after practice.

You tired?

Yeah.

I'm gonna go home and go to sleep.

Okay.

You got homework?

No, I think I'm good.

Okay.

Classes tomorrow?

Ugh.

Got these classes.

How are we doing in those classes?

Not well.

Okay.

Well, if you tell me where your class is?

I'll come by and visit.

Really?

Yeah.

I'll come by your class.

It's the Easiest Thing I Could Ever Do

I have chills.

Goosebumps.

Because for me?

It's the easiest thing I could ever do.

I can't fathom why people don't do it for each other more often.

What?

Yeah.

I'll be at your game.

Sure.

I don't lose anything by going to your event.

I didn't have magical plans.

Could I have come home and done laundry?

Yeah.

Is my laundry still gonna be here?

Yeah.

Is the washing machine still gonna be here?

Yep.

He Asked Me to Jump in the Pool and I Just Jumped

But that moment?

When that kid realizes he was really important to me?

When he asked me to jump in the pool?

And I just said:

Sure.

And jumped in?

World difference.

It was nice.

It was nice having that effect on him.

It was nice seeing my other kiddos be like:

"Hey, Miss Jamesha, there's no game today."

I know.

"But you're still here?"

Yeah.

I'm still here to watch you guys.

"Really?"

Yeah.

I've Become Part of Their World

They don't know me because I work with them personally.

They know me because they see me in class.

And because they see me in class?

I interact with them.

I talk to them.

I learn what they like.

What they dislike.

How they joke.

I've become part of their world?

Without ever needing to be part of their world.

One kid was like:

"Your name's Miss Jamesha, right?"

Yeah.

"I forgot, but then I thought I remembered, so I just wanted to make sure I had it right."

Nope.

That's my name.

I've told this kid my name once.

But it stuck with him.

I only had to hear his name once.

And it stuck with me.

This One Has Something the Other Ones Don't

I am sentimental.

And recently?

I've had several job offers pop up.

I'm very blessed to say that.

Now?

I get to decide between what I have?

And what could possibly be better.

That could be such an easy decision.

Well, it pays you more.

Gives you more hours.

Makes you more stable.

And some of the jobs do exactly that.

But this one?

This one has something the other ones don't.

It has a kid who enjoys me showing up.

Miss Jamesha, You're Gonna Be Here Today?

It's not that those other jobs won't have that.

It's that this one already does.

It already has a kid who's like:

"Miss Jamesha, you're gonna be here today?"

I am.

"So we're gonna sit down and do this?"

Yep.

We are.

Then I've got other kiddos in other classes.

I walk by?

"Hi!"

That's my friend.

In the short time I've been there?

I've become somebody they know.

Somebody they can talk to.

Joke with.

Laugh with.

Ask for help.

I Love Being That for Someone Else

I love being that for somebody else.

Every business decision I've made for Unperfectly Perfect?

For Dear Journal?

Has been because of my love of helping other people.

Because for me?

As I help others grow?

Love?

Care?

Heal?

I'm able to do the same.

You're Right. I Do Deserve Better.

As I tell people my stories?

About the people who hurt me.

The people who say they love me.

And how sometimes that doesn't make sense to me?

I give you guys this encouragement:

That's not what that looks like.

You deserve better.

And then?

You're right.

I do.

I'm recognizing that.

And I'm acting on it.

I'm saying:

Hey.

I deserve better than the place I'm sitting in.

Let me do something different.

I Get to Heal Me Every Step of the Way

Because I'm able to have you guys to talk to about it?

Because I'm able to write in my journal nightly?

I can hold myself accountable.

I get to heal me every step of the way.

Sometimes?

That healing looks bubbly and fun.

Today was a great day.

I laughed.

I smiled.

I played.

I showed up for someone.

I can't promise tomorrow will look the same.

I'm not even saying today was perfect.

There were spots in today?

That really made me mad.

One Bad Thing Doesn't Have to Ruin the Whole Day

None of my kids.

None of my teachers.

Just outside things where I'm like:

That doesn't need to work that way.

But overall?

It was a good day.

I'm learning that I can see the day as a whole.

Usually for me?

With my mental health?

One bad thing happens.

And it's catastrophic.

It ruins the whole day.

The whole day is just bad.

I let that one thing make me pissed off about everything.

Today?

The opposite.

Yeah.

That one thing really made me angry.

It bothered me to my core.

But gosh?

Was it a great day.

The Looks on Those Kids' Faces Beat It Every Time

All those other things?

Top it.

The look on those kids' faces?

Beats it every time.

The fact that I was invited to go?

Winning.

The fact that teachers are coming to me?

Asking me what I think?

Asking my opinion about how to make things better?

I love it.

The fact that jobs are coming to me like:

Hey.

We really want you.

We think you'd be great in this role.

Yes.

Yes.

It feels like being where I'm meant to be.

I'm Learning to Like Her More

It feels like seeing myself for the first time?

With all the drapes removed.

I don't necessarily always like what I see back.

But I'm learning to like her more.

Today?

Randomly?

My mother messaged me.

And I'm always surprised when I hear from my mom.

Because that's never been a thing.

But since I've been here?

She'll randomly message me.

My sister will randomly message me.

And I'm loving that.

I Feel Like I'm Getting Me Back

I feel like I'm getting me back.

But in addition to getting me back?

I'm getting back pieces I've always wanted.

That I didn't know I could obtain.

And there's something about that?

That's just joyous.

And healing.

My Bite of Pie

So my Bite of Pie today?

I healed.

I did something for somebody else?

That made a part of me say:

You needed that.

Good job.

I showed up in a way?

That I wished for years people would've shown up for me.

And it felt good.

I did all the things I was supposed to do today.

I started working on projects.

I got to talk to my bestie.

I got hung up on by my little bestie.

That's her thing when she talks to me.

I think part of it was she didn't see my face?

So she hit the red button.

But I love her still.

It was a great day.

I'm happy.

I'm tired.

But it's a happy tired.

My heart's full.

I Feel Like I'm Loving

I feel like I'm loving.

And for me?

That's a big deal.

Being able to love?

Without this expectation that I have to do something behind it?

Just feels good.

It feels right.

I'm hoping tomorrow?

Although it's gonna be a very long day?

Will be more of the same.

I'll show up for my kids.

I'll give them maybe what they need?

When they don't expect it.

I'll show them they're worth it.

I'll show them they can do it.

Even when they question themselves.

Then I'll Give Myself the Same Speech

And then?

I'll give myself the same speech.

As I run off to my second job feeling very frustrated.

Because I'm worth it.

And I deserve it.

I hope wherever you are?

You're making some of those same decisions.

Hey.

I'm able to help somebody else.

I'm able to see the thing in them they're missing.

The thing they're needing.

Because I recognize it in myself.

I know what I needed in that moment.

And I can be that for somebody else.

Little Me Heals Day by Day

And as I choose to be that for somebody else?

It helps the little one inside me.

Little Me.

Heals day by day.

As I take the strides to do so.

As I rewrite her story.

Where she is the hero in somebody else's.

She's not the damsel in distress.

She's not the side story that wanders off.

She's not the villain.

She's someone worth talking about.

And I'm happy to be her.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.