Dear Nauseous Me: Today I Needed to Choose Me
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What do you do when you wake up feeling sick?
And your day only gets worse from there?
I have been feeling horrible lately.
Couldn't tell you why.
Just tired.
Nauseous.
Blue.
And I still get up.
I still take care of the responsibilities that I have.
This morning?
Was no different.
Maybe I Felt Nauseous Because I Hadn't Eaten
I woke up.
Went to take my shower.
Got dressed.
Got out of the house.
Stopped at Starbucks for a pick-me-up.
Thinking maybe I felt nauseous because I hadn't eaten anything.
Nope.
Ate it.
Kept it down.
Still felt nauseous.
Then?
I worked.
I Felt Like I Needed to Apologize
While I was at work?
I decided it was time to reach out to my kiddo.
Kind of check in.
Figure things out, so to speak.
It wasn't so much that I needed anything from him.
I felt like I needed to apologize.
I needed to acknowledge the things I've done.
Because I think not enough times?
Parents acknowledge the hurt they've caused.
The pain they've caused.
And I think it speaks volumes?
When you can apologize for the mistakes you've made to your child.
I Know That I Hurt You
So I had that conversation.
And as I had that conversation?
My heart broke.
Because I know how badly I hurt him.
I know how much I let him down.
And I didn't make excuses for it.
I didn't reason it away.
It was:
I know that I hurt you.
And that's not okay.
I Was the Adult You Wanted to Trust
I was the adult that you wanted to trust.
And by hurt?
I mean I lied to him about something.
Nothing else.
But I feel like lying?
Is probably the biggest betrayal.
Because it's hard to earn trust back.
And that's my fault.
That's my fault.
And I own that.
I Could Feel Things Disintegrating
As I talked to him about everything that's been going on in our household lately?
I could just feel things disintegrating.
And that?
Coupled with not feeling well?
Made for a day I wasn't ready to handle.
So as I sat in class working?
I fought back tears.
And I don't know if the stress has gotten too much?
Or if there's something actually wrong with me.
I just know?
I was not doing well.
I Just Need You Tonight
So I came home from work.
Climbed into bed.
And phoned a friend.
I said:
Okay.
I just...
I just need you tonight.
I just need you tonight.
And they understood what that meant.
I don't do that often.
I won't do that often.
I only do it when it's absolutely necessary.
My One-Hour Nap Became Two
Then I laid down to take a nap.
What was supposed to be an hour nap?
Turned into a two-hour nap.
And when I woke up?
I felt better.
Presumably I'm hungry.
But I still just feel?
Wiped out.
Mentally and Emotionally, I've Taken a Lot of Hits
I think mentally and emotionally?
I've taken a lot of hits in the last little while here.
And I'm just wiped out today.
So I debated?
How I was going to navigate that with my podcast.
With writing in my journal.
Originally?
My thought was:
Well, I'll get on.
I'll do a recording.
And I won't show my face.
Because I'm embarrassed by how I look.
But?
This Is Real
This is real.
This is what it looks like?
When you're upset.
Sad.
Sick.
This is what it looks like?
When you're at your wits' end.
And you don't have any idea what to do next.
I know that at some point?
I'll figure it out.
Because I have to figure it out.
That's how life works.
It's constantly figuring things out?
And faking it until you do.
Tonight Isn't Going to Be Long
So this evening?
My podcast isn't extremely long.
Writing in my diary?
Isn't extremely long.
Because I'm just exhausted.
I just don't feel well.
And sometimes?
You still have to show up.
I wanted to make sure not only did I do that for you?
But I did that for myself.
There Are Days That I Absolutely Can't
It's easy to say:
I don't feel well.
This is going on.
I can't do the things I need to do.
Or even the things I want to do.
And I'm familiar with that.
There are days?
That I absolutely can't.
And I won't.
But although I'm hurting physically?
Mentally?
Emotionally?
It was important for me to write in my journal today.
I Want to Look Back at This Entry
Because I want to be able to look back on this particular journal entry?
And say:
Okay.
So what was the cause of that?
And how did we handle it?
And tonight?
There's no grandiose answer.
There's no question I can ask?
That just makes it all make sense.
Makes it clear.
I don't know what's gonna happen with my family.
And that's sad.
It's sad.
I Can't Fix It From Afar
I can't fix it from afar.
And while my first thought?
Is to run home and fix it?
I don't know if that's actually the answer.
So again?
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Where I feel like most days?
I probably live.
And I just have to bear it.
As I usually do.
My Bite of Pie
So my Bite of Pie today?
I listened to myself.
I was gonna force myself to go to my second job tonight.
And I knew?
That would not be helpful.
So I took the night off.
I came home.
And I passed out.
And while to many others?
That's not a big deal.
So what?
For me?
That's huge.
I Hate Not Showing Up
I hate disappointing people.
I hate not showing up.
But today?
I needed to choose me.
And clearly?
I needed it.
Because I came home?
And went right to sleep.
Sometimes We Still Have to Do the Hard Things
There are days that are going to be hard.
And we still have to do the things?
That we don't have the energy to do.
Some of them?
We're able to struggle through.
And do it.
Other times?
We're not.
Again?
I struggled through my first job today.
I'm doing my podcast now.
But I knew?
I couldn't handle more social situations?
Where I wasn't just breaking down.
Sometimes It Looks Like Reserving the Energy You Have Left
Sometimes?
It looks like reserving the energy you have left.
And so today?
I chose that.
Today?
I chose giving myself a break.
And that's what I did.
I'm There With You
So if you ever feel like you're doing things?
In a state of mind where it's just difficult?
And you're just making it through?
The best way you know how?
I understand that.
If you're questioning all the things?
At all the times?
And you don't know which way to go?
I'm there with you.
I Don't Like Today's Page
Today?
My page of the story doesn't look like what I wanted it to look like.
It has depth.
It has meaning.
But?
I don't like it.
And I know today's story?
Will have an impact on the rest of the chapter I'm writing right now.
And I get to decide?
How I want that impact to be.
Right now?
It's a work in progress.
Today is another page in the story.
It does not have to be perfect.
It just has to be written.
Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:
What was your bite of pie today?
Until tomorrow,
Love you loud.
