Dear Responsible Me: I Need to Not Be Responsible for a Day
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Have you ever had to be something?
Not because you wanted to?
But out of necessity?
Being responsible isn't my first choice.
It's necessary.
But it's not my first choice.
Life Feels Heavy
Today?
Life feels heavy.
Not bad.
Just heavy.
It feels like all the things?
At all the times?
Are sitting on my shoulder.
When something goes wrong?
I'm expected to take care of it.
When something needs to get done?
It's my job to make sure it gets done.
Everybody expects things from me.
And I hate that.
I Don’t Get to Just Be
I hate that I don't get to just be.
That I'm responsible?
For everybody.
And everything.
And I recognize that's a choice.
I make that choice.
I get to decide whether or not to do it.
But it doesn't feel like a choice.
It feels like an obligation?
That I signed up for.
That I really didn't want.
I Love My Family
Don't get me wrong.
I love my family.
I'm always going to want to take care of my family.
That's not what this is about.
That's not what that means.
But sometimes?
I wish I didn't have to be the one?
That makes sure everything is taken care of.
There's a lot of stress in running a household.
Having a family.
And sometimes?
I wish that stress wasn't just on me.
Sometimes It Feels Like I’m Holding Everything Together Alone
I'm sure my husband is stressed too.
I understand that he is stressed.
Probably just differently than I'm stressed.
I can understand that.
But sometimes?
It feels like I'm holding things together by myself.
And today?
Today is one of those days.
Today is one of those days?
Where I just want to push everybody aside.
Lock everybody out.
I Needed Space
I even told my husband earlier today?
That I couldn't do this anymore.
I didn't think I could handle all the things?
That were going on.
All the things stressing me out.
So I just needed space.
I needed a break.
I needed to not be involved in it.
And my husband?
Being supportive?
Said:
Okay.
Take care of you.
Take the time you need.
I'll give you some distance.
I Still Felt Bad About It
And I appreciate that.
I appreciate that he heard me?
And is going to give me what I need.
But as the day went on?
I still felt bad about it.
Like I didn't deserve the chance?
To feel that way.
Like I didn't deserve that option.
There's too much to get done?
For me to worry about how I'm feeling about it.
I just need to make sure?
I get it done.
Take care of it.
I Don’t Want to Do It
So today?
I'm feeling extremely responsible.
I've got all these things I want to do.
All these things I need to do.
And they're all pulling me?
In different directions.
And I don't want to do it.
I'm going to.
I have to.
I don't want to.
The Schedule Is Bad
Yesterday?
I sat down to make myself a schedule.
All the things I want to put into my day.
And the schedule?
Is bad.
Not impossible.
But bad.
It has me getting up?
At 6:15 in the morning.
And getting home?
At 9:30 at night.
Then going straight to bed.
That's not a life.
There’s No Room to Breathe
That gives me no room to breathe.
No room to think.
No room to feel.
It doesn't give me time?
To pretend like I'm human.
To enjoy family.
Friends.
But I fixed the schedule that way?
Because I'm responsible.
There are certain things I want to take care of.
Everything Is Important to Me
I want to work my job during the day.
Then?
I want extra money.
So I work a job at night.
I want to go to the gym.
I want to do my podcast.
I want to work my business.
I want to write.
All the things.
And they're all important to me.
They're all important to me.
So apparently?
The answer is to squeeze them all in.
One day.
Because I only have 24 hours.
The Gym Needs to Happen
Someone suggested:
Well?
You don't have to do the gym every day.
And they're right.
I don't.
But it also seems disingenuous?
To constantly complain about how I look?
Then not do something about it.
So the gym?
Right now?
For my sake of being?
Needs to happen.
I don't know.
How Am I Supposed to Do Anything for Me?
How am I supposed to do anything for me?
If I'm responsible for everything else?
In a word?
It sucks.
I feel like there's this big weight?
Just sitting on top of me.
And I don't get to complain about how heavy it is.
I don't get to complain?
That I can't move it.
It's just?
What it is.
The Boulder Just Keeps Getting Bigger
It's this boulder I get to deal with.
Because things just have to be dealt with.
And as they continue to pile more?
Onto the boulder?
I figure out how to take care of it.
It doesn't occur to me?
To give some of it away.
I mean?
I've tried.
I've asked:
Hey.
I need help with this.
Hey.
Can you shoulder this?
And that doesn't get very far.
Eventually You Stop Asking
At some point?
You stop asking.
You stop reaching out?
For the thing?
That you know isn't there.
I heard a story recently?
About a husband and wife.
The wife would call the husband at work often?
Just to tell him about her day.
And eventually?
He got frustrated.
Told her to stop calling?
Unless it was an emergency.
So She Stopped
And she did.
She stopped.
For him?
It was:
She listened.
It's peaceful.
Then one day?
He came home from work.
And his daughter?
Was in a cast.
She'd fallen.
Hurt her arm badly enough?
That she needed a cast.
Which means?
She went to the emergency room.
And he didn't know.
Why Didn’t You Tell Me?
He asked his wife:
Why?
Why didn't you say something?
Why didn't you tell me?
And she said:
It wasn't an emergency.
I took care of it.
Our daughter was hurt.
I took her to the hospital.
Got her taken care of.
It's fine.
So he calls his brother.
Asks:
What do I do about this?
You Don’t Beg for Something Someone Doesn’t Want to Give You
The brother acknowledges?
That he's given her a book.
And she's read the book.
I can't remember exactly what it says.
But essentially?
She's living her life?
Not begging for something?
Someone doesn't want to give her.
You don't beg for something?
Someone isn't going to give you.
And I feel like?
I've been begging for lots of things.
Simple Things
Simple things.
But lots of things.
Tender moments.
Nice words.
Quality time.
Acknowledgement.
Friendship.
And not all of those things?
Have been asked from one specific person.
I know someone's gonna hear this and be like:
You're talking about me.
Why do you assume that?
I Am Drowning
I am drowning.
And your first reaction?
Is to make it about you.
I just?
Need to not be responsible for a day.
I need to be careless.
I Need to Be Careless
I need to go out.
Splash in the water.
Dance in the rain.
Not worry about?
Which bill needs to come out.
Who I need to call.
Whose meds need to be filled.
Who's getting where.
How they're getting there.
What groceries need to be paid for.
I want to not have to do it.
Just for a little while.
You Deserve a Break
Just to have that peace.
That bit of sanity?
That says:
It's okay.
You can take a break.
You deserve a break.
I don't know the last time?
I felt like I deserved a break.
When I didn't have to shoulder everything.
Life Is Hard and Heavy
Life is hard.
And it's heavy.
And I feel like?
You can either go through life?
With it being hard and heavy?
Or?
You can find people who care enough about you?
To share the responsibility.
I can acknowledge?
That it's hard to find people to share the responsibility.
It's hard to trust people enough?
To let them share it.
Especially?
When you've been let down countless times.
I’m Trying to Share the Responsibility
Today?
I'm doing my best?
To figure out how to share the responsibility.
I'm trying to figure out?
How to remove some things from my plate.
Replace them?
With things that are important to me.
Things I want to accomplish.
Things that mean?
I'm succeeding.
It Only Works If I Give Responsibility Back
But it only works?
If I'm willing to give responsibility?
To the people?
Who should have that responsibility.
I've gone far too long?
Accepting what everybody expects of me.
And now?
It's time for me?
To do something I expect from me.
Nobody Seems to Credit the Change
I keep hearing:
Everybody expects me to do this.
That.
And the other.
Because?
Well?
You've always done this.
That.
And the other.
But nobody seems to credit?
The change I'm making.
The changes I've made.
What I'm currently doing.
And there's nothing worse?
Than genuinely changing?
And nobody notices.
Well, It’ll Only Last So Long
People discount it.
Well?
It's only gonna last so long.
I don't want people like that in my life.
I don't need people like that in my life.
I need someone to believe in me.
Trust me.
Cheer me on.
Share the responsibility.
My Bite of Pie
So?
My Bite of Pie today.
I saw Throwy Throwy Guy.
He was walking through the hall?
With a friend.
And made sure to say:
Hi, Miss Jamesha.
Which is nice.
Because if you know anything?
About preteens and teens?
They don't have to acknowledge you?
In front of their friends.
Sometimes?
They just won't.
But he went out of his way?
To acknowledge me.
Every time he passed me today.
They’ll Never Know What That Means
He will never understand.
Because I will never tell him?
How much that means.
How much it makes my day?
That kids who aren't even the kids I'm working with?
Stop to find me.
Say hi.
I've got a few of them?
Who fist bump me in the hall.
Hi, Miss Jamesha.
How are you doing?
And it makes me feel?
Like I'm making a difference.
And that?
Is the best Bite of Pie I could ever have.
I'm making a difference.
If I Can Do It for Them, I Should Do It for Me
And if I can do that for them?
I should do it for me.
So if you're holding on?
To all the responsibility in your life?
But you have people in your life?
Who are supposed to be sharing it with you?
Maybe?
You need to reevaluate why that is.
Why you're keeping somebody so close?
Who doesn't want to help make it easier for you too.
It Doesn’t Mean You Have to Give Up on Them
It doesn't mean?
You have to give up on them.
It doesn't mean?
You have to cast them aside.
It doesn't mean?
They're not worth it.
It just means?
You have to revisit?
Why things are the way they are.
And everybody?
Has to be willing to work on them.
I’m Good at Carrying Everything
If that's you?
I'm there with you.
It's a learning process.
It's hard?
To give up all the things I've grown accustomed to doing.
Because?
I'm good at it.
And people appreciate me for it.
But I don't know?
If appreciation is the right word.
It doesn't feel appreciated.
It doesn't feel like it matters to anybody?
Other than:
It's just expected now.
Today Didn’t Have a Bad Ending
Today?
My story wasn't written the way I thought it would be.
But?
It didn't have a bad ending.
My day has been really good.
I enjoy my job.
I enjoy seeing the kids?
I get to see every day.
I got to play indoor tennis with one of my kids.
My goodness.
It was so hot.
But?
I'm having a great day.
Despite all the things going on?
In my head.
In my heart.
And that's worth something.
Today is another page in the story.
It does not have to be perfect.
It just has to be written.
Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:
What was your bite of pie today?
Love you loud.
