Dear Jumpy Me: That’s Not Self-Worth at All
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Are you the type of person who loves scary movies?
Scares in general?
But you get jumpy over the oddest things?
I am a huge horror movie fan.
I've liked them since I was a little girl.
And I can tolerate a lot watching a movie.
Blood.
Gore.
The whole nine yards.
If I see it in person?
Drastically different.
My Phone Freaked Me Out
Today started off like no other.
My phone started going off.
And it kind of freaked me out.
Which is weird?
Because I usually don't have my sound on.
So it woke me up earlier than I thought it would.
And that just kind of had me thrown off.
I wasn't feeling very well.
Eventually?
I got up.
Got motivated.
Got dressed.
Got ready for work.
Then left later than I usually do.
I Missed Every Turn
I missed every turn I was supposed to take for work today.
Every turn.
But?
I got to work.
Sat down.
Listened to some music.
Jammed out on the way.
Work went really well.
I made tea today.
I made really bad tea today.
But?
I still drank it.
Or most of it.
I enjoyed my time with my kid.
Then Throwy Throwy Guy found me in the hallway.
So he talked to me.
And overall?
It was a good day.
Minus the Whole Being Responsible Thing
Minus the whole:
Being responsible.
Trying to figure out my life.
Thing.
I'm in the midst of figuring out where I want to end up?
Employment-wise.
And I am not very good at it.
Guys.
I'm sitting on the job I have?
Plus two offers?
And I have no idea how to pull the trigger.
There are jobs that pay more.
There are jobs that pay less?
But have a better schedule.
How does Adult Me know how to choose that?
She doesn't.
At all.
She's stumped.
I Know the Answer, but I Don’t Know the Answer
I was on edge this morning.
Still trying to process everything in my head.
You know how you know the answer to something?
But you don't know the answer?
Okay.
That probably sounds dumb.
Let me try to explain.
I'm really good at logically figuring things out.
I'm a pretty smart cookie.
I can do that.
However?
Emotional Me is like:
No.
We're not going with that.
We don't believe that.
We're not standing on that.
I’ve Been Struggling With Knowing How People Feel About Me
The last couple of days?
I've been really struggling with knowing how people feel about me.
Knowing how much they care about me.
How much they love me.
And still?
Convincing myself that I wasn't worth that.
So today?
I finally said:
Let me talk it out.
Because if I have to hear myself say it?
If I have to read the words I'm writing?
Hear the words I'm saying out loud?
Then I'm kind of forced to say:
Yeah.
That sounds kind of off.
I Word-Vomited on My Friend
So today?
I did just that.
I word-vomited on my friend.
And I was like:
Okay.
Here's the deal.
My brain is overthinking.
Over-processing everything.
And I need it to stop.
And the only way I could imagine it stopping?
Was to just blow it up.
So I did.
People Can Love Me and Still Like Somebody Else
Then I gave myself some things that are reassuring.
People can love me?
And still like somebody else.
It doesn't make me less than.
It just means I'm loved.
And people don't have to keep telling me they love me.
I also don't have to believe just their words.
Their actions?
Should match their words.
I'm saying these things as affirmations to myself?
Because I struggle with believing?
On any given day?
That anyone would choose me when there's another option.
Love Isn’t a Competition
So I'm reminding myself:
Love isn't a competition.
And honestly?
I think I handled it really well today.
I went throughout my day.
Had a good day.
Then I got home.
Sitting in my room.
Minding my own business.
Thinking about what I should have for dinner.
I Want Breakfast Food
I have a craving so bad.
I want breakfast food.
But?
I want a specific breakfast food.
And I don't want to go to the store?
To get what I need.
But I also don't want to pay a million dollars?
To have it sent to my house.
So?
Quite the conundrum.
I probably won't have it.
Then I'll be stuck on it for the rest of the week.
That's how my brain works.
And Then I Jumped
Anyway.
I'm sitting in my office.
Preparing for my podcast.
And I can hear my roommates interacting with each other.
One was simply informing the other of something.
I don't even know what the details were.
But the other person got really loud.
And I jumped.
Like?
Jumped.
It had no effect on me.
Nobody was fighting.
Nobody was mad.
But for whatever reason?
I got scared.
I’m Behind a Locked Door
I'm sitting in my room.
Behind a locked door.
And I'm so jumpy.
So scared.
Over something that has nothing to do with me.
Which is weird.
Usually when I do my journal?
I do it off the main feeling for the day.
But for whatever reason?
Even now?
I've got goosebumps.
I'm shaky.
I'm not quite settled.
I don't know how to calm my heart down.
My heart is beating really fast.
And overall?
I'm freaked out.
Things in My Head Scare Me
And that reminded me of earlier today.
Jumpy?
Is probably the best word to describe it.
I get into my head.
And I get into these situations in my head?
Where things just scare me.
There's not any particular thing happening?
That should be scary.
It's just the ideas in my head?
That when I add them up?
Terrify me.
I’m Terrified of Not Being Wanted
For me?
I'm terrified of not being wanted.
I'm terrified of not being loved.
I'm terrified of disappearing?
And nobody noticing.
And it's really interesting?
Because if you listen to those fears?
Those fears are less about me being scared?
And more about my perception of how others see me.
I’m Not Afraid to Get Lost
I'm not afraid to get lost.
I'm afraid that if I am lost?
Nobody will care.
I'm not afraid to try.
I'm afraid nobody will notice.
And I don't know where I decided?
That I needed to hang my hat?
On somebody else noticing things.
But it is quite prevalent?
That that's what I do.
I’m Always Seeking Approval
And it's dangerous for me.
Dangerous in the sense that I'm always seeking approval.
Affirmation.
That I'm doing a good job.
That I'm doing the right thing.
That I have skills desired by somebody else.
I can't just stand on my own account?
And say:
No.
I know what I'm doing.
I'm good at this.
I'm just rather jumpy about it.
I Need Reassurance Constantly
I just need reassurance constantly.
And then?
I felt really bad.
Because that means I'm always seeking it from somebody.
And I can see why that would get really annoying.
I have a great group of friends.
And I only let so many people into my small circle.
It's a very small circle.
Mum’s the Word
I tell people:
I have acquaintances.
But I don't have a lot of friends.
That's how I live my life.
Even some of my best friends?
Will tell you they don't know everything about me.
I'm very:
Mum's the word.
Which is weird.
Right?
Because I get on here every night?
And tell you my life story.
But there are things?
When they really, really matter to me?
I keep them really tight to the chest.
Only a few people know about them.
I’m Trying to Figure Out Life
So?
I'm just trying to figure out life.
In the best way I can.
And I'm stumbling.
I will say?
I'm having more up days than down days.
I haven't felt manic in a while.
I haven't felt depressed in a while.
I have days where things are questionable.
Do I really feel that way?
Do I really think that way?
Maybe I Need a Thought Book
I've often told myself?
I should probably carry around a book.
Not like a journal journal.
But a book where I can write down:
What my thought is?
Versus what's actually happening.
Like:
I sat in the chair.
I turned on the computer.
I started the podcast.
Versus?
I felt overwhelmed doing it?
Because if I didn't do it?
People were gonna be disappointed in me.
And if people were disappointed in me?
They won't want to watch anymore.
And if they don't want to watch anymore?
It just rolls down that hill.
All day.
Every day.
I Won’t Excuse Myself
I won't excuse myself.
Now?
I do this with regularity?
Because I enjoy writing in my journal.
But there's a part of me?
That's already mapped out how upset people would be?
How upset you guys would be?
If I don't do the podcast for the night.
And realistically?
This is for me.
I'm glad you guys join me.
I'm glad we can understand each other?
On some of these fundamental ideas of mental health.
But at the end of the night?
Writing in my journal?
Is for me.
The way I want writing in your journal?
To be for you.
Sometimes We Don’t Feel Like Writing
And to be honest?
We don't always feel like writing in our journal.
There are some days?
We just don't have it in us.
To sit down.
Describe our feelings.
Our day.
What's going on in our heads.
But knowing that?
I think that's probably the day it's most important to do so.
This Is the Longest I’ve Journaled as an Adult
I've enjoyed writing in my journal.
And I thank you guys?
For keeping me—
Not humble.
But humble too.
Keeping me in line?
To stay with it.
I've started a journal so many times in my life.
I have journals from when I was a little girl.
Still keep them.
I would start.
Then stop.
Start.
Then stop.
This?
Is probably the longest as an adult?
I've done a journal.
And it feels good.
It feels necessary.
I’m Learning Things About Myself
I'm learning things about myself?
That maybe I already knew.
But I'd never quite seen?
The way I see them now.
So again.
The jumpy thing.
Why is it?
That make-believe situations don't scare me?
But real-life situations?
Like:
My gosh.
People are talking loudly.
Or:
My gosh.
They like somebody else.
Scare the Jesus out of me.
Neither of Those Things Are Inherently Scary
Neither of those things?
Are inherently scary.
Sometimes people talk loudly.
That's okay.
And people like multiple people.
That's okay.
I have to learn where I've decided?
That my self-worth?
Is based off what somebody else sees in me.
Because that's not self-worth at all.
That's literally?
The opposite of self-worth.
Why Have I Decided I’m Less Than?
And I have to decide?
And figure out?
Why I've decided I'm less than.
Do I have the answers to that?
No.
Not at all.
That's a work in progress.
It's one of those things?
You'll probably hear me bring up multiple times in my journal.
Because it's something I've gotta figure out.
Something I have to process.
Ask myself questions about.
Then reread my answers and say:
That doesn't make any sense.
Or:
Yeah.
But that's not exactly what I meant.
It's a process.
Journaling Is a Process
Journaling is a process.
Talking about your feelings?
Conveying how you feel accurately?
Is a process.
Because I can feel jumpy?
About someone being loud today.
Then tomorrow?
Be screaming with somebody.
Having fun.
Giggling.
Laughing.
Things change really quickly?
If you allow them to.
My Bite of Pie
So my Bite of Pie today?
Let's see.
I had apple cinnamon herbal tea.
But?
I used one tea bag?
For 24 ounces of water.
Yuck.
Why is that my Bite of Pie?
Because it meant I actually drank water today.
And I detest drinking water.
With every fiber of my being?
I hate drinking water.
So the fact that I managed to get 24 ounces down today?
Yay me.
Is It Time for You to Leave Yet?
What else did I do today?
I really feel like I paired with my new client.
He and I seem to get along really well.
Although?
He cracks me up.
It's always:
"Is it your time to leave yet?"
"Is it almost time for you to go?"
He doesn't say it in a mean way.
Just in a:
I'm done learning for the day.
Kind of way.
Bro.
Feel you.
Same.
I Got My Feelings Out
And?
I got my feelings out.
I was nervous about getting them out.
I didn't want to be dismissed.
I wasn't dismissed.
I was heard.
And it was appreciated.
It meant a lot to me.
So I'm hoping that somewhere?
Your jump scares aren't jumpy because they're dangerous.
They're jumpy because?
In your head?
You've made them into something they don't need to be.
Like Spiders
Like spiders.
Spiders scare me.
Every time I see a spider?
I get scared.
But it's a spider.
And I'm bigger than it.
Logic says.
But?
I'm also afraid of butterflies.
Ladybugs.
Crickets.
Grasshoppers.
And I have a house in the country.
Guys.
It makes no sense.
Maybe It’s Not as Bad as We Thought
I do things?
Then wonder why it works the way it works.
So if you're out there?
And you're feeling jumpy?
I want you to process that.
Write it in your journal.
Think about why it happens.
Where it began.
What we can do about it.
And as you process that in your journal?
I'll process it in mine.
And maybe?
We'll both come to find:
Huh.
That's not as bad as we thought it was gonna be.
Maybe?
Maybe we can lift that fear?
Just a little bit at a time.
Today is another page in the story.
It does not have to be perfect.
It just has to be written.
Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:
What was your bite of pie today?
Until tomorrow,
Love you loud.
