Dear Second Best Me: I’m Not Your Second Best

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Have you ever experienced a time where someone told you something?

And it just felt like they cut you off at your knees?

It's not like it was something you didn't know.

It just still took you over by surprise.

Yesterday?

I enjoyed my day.

Yesterday night?

I enjoyed my night.

And then?

I had a conversation with a friend.

I Asked a Stupid Question

They were on their way home.

And I asked a stupid question.

And I got an answer I didn't like.

In the moment?

I handled it quite well.

It didn't faze me.

It was just kind of:

Huh.

Okay.

Whatever.

But the more I had time to think about it?

The more it overtook me.

One Answer Decided My Whole Life

I decided that one answer?

To one very small question?

Decided my whole life in that moment.

Now.

Is that true?

No.

Not at all.

But that didn't change it from feeling that way.

I struggle with feeling like I'm second best?

At everything.

There’s Always Gonna Be Someone Better Than Me

I never measure up.

To anyone's expectations.

Anyone's beliefs.

There's always gonna be someone better than me.

And yesterday?

While I was talking to this friend?

I asked about their interactions with certain people.

And I got back an answer that hurt my feelings.

I don't believe the intent?

Was to hurt my feelings.

I don't think that was a thought?

In any way.

Shape.

Or form.

But?

It did.

How Dare I Feel That Way?

And in the moment I felt that way?

I convinced myself of two things.

One?

That I was stupid to feel that way.

Because how dare I?

And two?

I still felt that way.

Then?

It went from:

You're second best.

To:

You're replaceable.

Everywhere you are?

You're replaceable.

There’s Only One Me

I understand the concept:

There's only one me.

People have told me that for years.

There's only one you.

No one can replace you.

But in the end?

I'm replaceable.

If I leave my husband?

He finds somebody else.

Another girl that'll make him happy.

That he'll love?

As if I didn't exist.

If I leave my job?

They'll find someone to replace me.

I Just Want Someone to Love Me

And as I had these thoughts?

I got really sad.

Because all I could think was:

I just want someone to love me.

And those aren't even the same things.

Being loved by someone?

And being first place?

Aren't synonymous.

But in my head?

And in my heart?

That's what it has to mean.

But What If?

So all day long?

I've just sat in this icky spot.

My brain going back and forth.

Back and forth.

Well?

You know that doesn't mean they don't care.

You know that doesn't mean you aren't important.

You know that.

And then there's always that little voice in my mind?

That says:

But what if?

What if that's what they meant?

What if you were just one amongst a sea of others?

What if you weren't that important?

What if you made yourself more special?

Than you actually are?

I Have Convinced Myself I’m Replaceable

That hurts.

But I think what hurts the most?

Is it's not so much that someone else believes it.

Or someone's told me that.

Because that's not the case.

It's that I have convinced myself?

So easily?

That I'm replaceable.

I'm unimportant.

I have to be first?

Or I don't exist.

If they don't love me the most?

Then that's it.

I'm not worthy.

Second Best Means You Weren’t the Winner

I'm second best.

And second best?

Means you weren't the winner.

I don't think there's a first place and second place in love.

Logically?

I know that doesn't exist.

And yet?

Here I am.

Beating up on myself today?

Because I might not be a first choice.

Then I'd be a last choice?

Hell.

I might not even be a choice.

I Have to Wade Through What Is True and What Is Emotion

So?

I've had to sit with it.

And I don't like it.

What do I do in moments like that?

I have to wade through?

What is true?

And what is emotion?

For me?

Those can be very different things.

Very different things.

Emotionally?

Mentally?

I can assume all the things.

But that doesn't make them true.

I Rekindled-ish a Relationship

Last night?

I rekindled-ish a relationship.

One I never would've thought I'd rekindle.

And I don't mean that in a bad way.

I just?

Never expected to hear from this person again.

I found the number.

Reached out.

It was them.

And I was super excited.

This person has had a profound spot in my life.

In more ways than one.

We Were Kids

We started talking back and forth.

About life.

How we've grown.

Spouses.

Relationships.

Where we live.

Our growth in general.

Because?

We were kids.

We were kids.

And as we're talking?

I'm remembering things about that relationship.

Things that make it so profound for me.

Things that were said.

Things that were done.

Things I won't bore you with?

Because they won't mean to you?

What they mean to me.

In That Moment, I Wasn’t Second Best

Some of the sweetest words?

Were spoken to me during that time in my life.

And I cling to them.

Because in that moment?

I wasn't second best.

Which is interesting.

Because now?

That isn't our relationship.

That isn't where we're at.

But the sentiment at the time?

I think absolutely meant?

That I wasn't second best.

And I knew that.

I’m Not Second Best

There was something about how it was presented.

How it was said.

That let me know?

That wasn't the case.

And even now?

While parts of that statement might still be true?

I understand them to be true?

In a drastically different way.

I'm not second best.

Maybe?

I'm just not loved the way I want to be loved.

Maybe I'm not received?

The way I want to be received.

And that's not the same thing?

As not being good enough.

I Have to Challenge That Thought Process

At some point?

I have to challenge those thought processes.

I have to take a step back.

And realize?

If I keep thinking this way?

It's gonna go bad.

It's gonna go poorly.

Because it's not the truth.

It's something that's really hard for me to combat.

Because I live in this sense of:

I'm not enough.

I'm not good enough.

I'm not wanted enough.

I'll never measure up.

But?

That's not true.

What Standard Am I Even Using?

I don't even know what standard I'm abiding by.

I asked my kid the other day:

What do you think are the things we want you to do?

And they gave me this list.

And I was just like:

None of those things?

Are at all what I expect.

And I guess what I thought was crazy?

Not for them.

For me.

Was how often?

We have this unrealistic idea of what people expect from us.

We Measure Ourselves Against Things That Aren’t Even True

We measure ourselves?

To this concept?

Of what they want us to be.

That's so far from the truth.

So?

I don't know.

I feel like I should have a conversation.

I should get clarity?

Before I jump to conclusions.

Before I make decisions.

Because my first reaction?

Is always to make rash decisions.

And then ask myself:

Why did that happen?

Why Do I Keep Minimizing Myself?

Why do I insist?

On minimizing myself?

Who I am?

What I stand for?

What good I bring?

The knowledge I bring?

I don't have to be everybody's first choice.

I'll be the right person's first choice.

And that's okay.

I Had Bad Thoughts and a Good Day

It was an interesting day.

Not a bad day.

I had a good day.

School went really well.

I got to see Throwy Throwy Kid.

He was in a great mood.

I heard him yell my name?

Lots of times.

Because?

I'm now a fixture in his life.

I Started a New Job

I got to take a late lunch today.

Which was different.

I didn't think I was gonna like it.

But I did.

Especially with it being Monday?

And our schedule being wonky.

Then?

I started a new job.

With a new client.

And he and I?

Hit it off really well.

That was kind of cool.

I feel like me and the parent?

Hit it off really well too.

I had a good day.

I had bad thoughts.

I had a good day.

Both Things Can Be True

I recognize those two things?

Can be true?

At the same time.

My day didn't go badly.

My mind just kept trying?

To go places it didn't need to go.

But I was cautious about it.

I was able to feel the feelings?

Without letting them encompass the day.

I think that's important.

Separating Feelings From Reality

It's something I have to get better at doing.

More mindful at doing.

Separating my feelings?

From the reality of things.

I enjoyed myself today.

I didn't think I was gonna enjoy this new job.

I looked for every reason under the bus?

To cancel today.

And then?

I didn't.

Proud of myself.

I Am My Biggest Stressor

I don't even know why I wanted to cancel.

I just felt really overwhelmed.

And again?

I wasn't overwhelmed by anything?

Other than me.

I am my biggest stressor.

I know how to put myself in these situations?

Where I'm just like:

What am I doing?

And today?

Those thoughts were there.

They were heavy.

They were icky.

But I didn't let them consume me.

I Still Enjoyed My Day

I still laughed.

Sang.

Danced.

Talked to friends.

I charged my car.

I don't know if I told you guys about me charging my car?

But like?

It works.

I am quite pleased with it.

I didn't think I was gonna like a car?

That I have to plug in.

But?

I'm enjoying it.

I'm trying new things.

And they're working.

They're working.

They’re Gonna Be Mine

I don't always know how things are gonna end.

They're not always perfect.

I know that.

They're not gonna be perfect.

But they're gonna be mine.

It's gonna be a part of the story that I write.

And in the end?

It's gonna be something amazing.

I'm going to conquer?

So many of the things I stumble on.

I know I am.

I choose to.

I Don’t Want to Keep Living in Chaos

I don't want to be stuck?

In the same cycle?

Where I've gone through this.

Nothing can change.

This is the life I know.

I grew up in chaos?

Therefore I have to perpetuate chaos.

No.

I don't want to continue living in chaos.

I don't want to continue to be hurt.

Sad.

Upset.

Lonely.

Feel abandoned.

I recognize those feelings?

And I can say:

Mmm.

Nope.

That doesn't work for me.

I’m Not Your Second Best

I'm not your second best.

That's not a position?

I'm willing to hold.

My Bite of Pie

So my Bite of Pie today?

Realizing?

That not everything has to be so black and white.

Which?

Is saying a lot.

Because for me?

Everything is black and white.

But I'm learning.

I'm growing.

And it feels good.

It feels different.

Odd.

I don't always like it.

But?

It feels good.

I’m in the Trenches With You

So if you're out there?

Feeling like you're second best?

Not good enough?

Not pretty enough?

Not loved enough?

Not wanted enough?

I'm there with you.

I'm in the trenches.

We have to remind ourselves?

That it just may be the person we're dealing with?

That makes us feel that way.

And if that's the case?

We should find something better.

No one should ever make us feel second best.

We're worth the world to someone.

But more importantly?

You're worth the world to yourself.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.