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Have you ever felt so unlike yourself?
That you can't do the things?
That you want to do?
For the last three or four days?
I've just been out of it.
I don't usually get sick.
But when I do get sick?
It's done and over with.
There Was No Way I Could Get Anything Done
As of Saturday night?
I started to feel a little ill.
Sunday?
I was like:
Nope.
Not making it out of bed.
Monday?
Didn't make it to work.
Couldn't even stay awake.
Yesterday?
Was kind of in between.
And guys?
If I could have gotten up?
And sat in this chair?
And wrote my journal?
Please know?
That I would have.
There was no way?
I could get anything done.
I got literally nothing done.
It Felt Like I Lost a Day
I was in bed?
All day long.
And then I woke up?
And just was so unaware?
Of what was going on?
In my life.
Like?
I lost a day.
Obviously?
I'd been sleeping.
But?
It felt like?
So much more than that.
I felt just discombobulated.
Things didn't make sense.
I was like?
Jolting awake.
Getting out of bed?
To go take a shower?
Was difficult.
All because?
I wasn't feeling well.
I Need to Write My Journal
And I felt bad.
Because it was like:
Well?
I need to write my journal.
I need to write my journal.
I need to write my journal.
But?
I hope you guys understood.
I am alive.
I'm here.
I am well.
And all sense of the word?
I'm actually doing really well.
I’m Doing Things for Me in a Different Way
I am doing things for me?
In a different way?
Than I usually do.
I've been ahead?
On schoolwork.
I've been ahead?
With what I need to do?
For work.
I've been planning things?
And budgeting things?
Better than I usually do.
I am communicating?
With those who want?
To communicate with me.
I'm not overextending myself?
To people who don't want?
To be a part of my life.
I am doing—
I'm doing well.
I Didn’t Expect It
I didn't expect it.
There's still parts of me?
That won't acknowledge?
Some of the things?
That have happened?
In the last couple of weeks.
Today?
I kinda got shoved in my face?
A little bit.
But?
I handled it.
And I'm still here.
And I'm still smiling.
Don’t Mind My Hair
And don't mind my hair.
It's parting itself?
In a different way today.
I actually really like it.
I'm usually?
A down-the-middle-part?
Kind of girl.
My hair has decided?
This week?
That it wants?
To do its own crazy thing.
And I said:
Sure.
Why not?
And this?
Is kind of what I got.
Literally Nothing Has Happened
It's been?
Interesting.
Like?
I wouldn't even have?
Anything to share?
With you guys.
Because literally?
Nothing has happened.
I was bedridden?
For the last four days.
Three days.
I didn't really talk?
To anybody.
I didn't go anywhere.
I didn't even open?
My blinds.
I didn't even want?
To see the outside.
I was just?
Not having any part of it.
Today I Got Up Early
But today?
I got up early.
Don't know why.
Got dressed.
Danced my way to work.
And I do mean?
Dance.
Get the music going.
I even took?
The way that I knew?
Would have more traffic today.
I don't—
I don't know why.
I didn't feel like?
Doing all the detours.
So I'm like:
You know what?
We'll just sit in traffic today.
It Felt So Good to Be Out of the House
And it felt so good?
To be out of the house.
And to just be?
In my body?
And in my head.
I had a great time.
I stopped?
And got myself?
Some yummy breakfast.
Because I feel like?
You should treat yourself?
To something good?
When you manage?
To make it out of bed?
After four days.
So?
I did that.
Something’s Swinging Around
I found out?
That my kiddos?
Weren't actually at school this week?
Because they were also?
Not feeling well.
Something's swinging around.
And it's hitting hard already.
So I'm hoping?
To avoid getting sick again.
But?
When you work at a school?
These things happen.
I don't know.
Things are looking up.
What Would My Life Look Like?
Not in the way?
That I thought?
That they would.
Someone asked me:
If you had to envision?
What your life would look like?
What would it look like?
And I said:
I'd have a house?
With a porch.
I've always wanted?
A porch.
And I'd have?
A playset outside?
In my yard?
For my nieces?
And nephews.
And I'd have?
My dogs.
And they're like:
You don't have a partner?
I’m Done Trying to Figure Out if Someone’s Gonna Choose Me
And I said:
You know?
At this point?
I am done?
Trying to figure out?
If someone's gonna choose me.
If I'm their choice.
If I'm what they want.
And I think?
I've given up?
On that idea?
That I could be that person?
To somebody.
So no.
I don't—
I don't believe?
That I'm somebody's somebody.
And I know?
That's sad.
At Some Point I Have to Stop Living My Life for Everybody Else
It's not that?
I don't recognize?
How sad it is?
Or what that means.
It's just?
At some point in time?
I have to realize?
That I have to stop?
Living my life?
For everybody else.
To impress somebody.
To get somebody.
To keep somebody.
It has to be?
Just for me.
My House, My Dogs, My Family
And I think?
That's what I meant?
By:
My house.
My dogs.
Playset?
For my nieces?
And nephews.
It's:
I did that?
For me.
Not because?
I wanted a guy?
To love me?
And to want me.
That all stemmed?
From my idea?
Of what relationships?
Are supposed to look like.
I Always Thought I Needed to Be a Wife and a Mother
I have always thought?
That I needed?
To be a wife?
And a mother.
And that?
That's how I would know?
That I had?
A great relationship.
I'd meet my husband.
We'd fall in love.
We'd get married.
We'd have?
A child together.
Voila.
Clearly?
That was how?
It's supposed to be.
I am married.
He has a kid.
I'm in California.
He's in Kansas.
Voila?
Did not happen.
Does a Failed Marriage Mean That I Failed?
And it's something?
That I've struggled with.
Because it's a:
Does a failed marriage?
Mean that I failed?
Does my relationship?
Not working?
The way that I want it to?
Mean that I'm a failure?
That I did?
Something wrong?
And it's something?
I've toyed with?
Back and forth?
For quite some time now.
Because those feelings?
Are strong.
Divorce Has Never Been the Answer
I grew up?
In a household?
Where divorce?
Has never been the answer.
You stick with your marriage.
You stick in the relationship.
No matter?
What is going on.
And I've always held?
Those ideas?
To be really valuable.
But even?
In its value?
I have to acknowledge?
That I don't think marriage?
Is supposed to be?
Living states away.
It's supposed to be?
Working together.
Right Now, I Don’t Know What That Looks Like
And I don't know.
Right now?
I don't know?
What that looks like.
I don't know?
What that means.
I don't know?
Where that goes.
I'm not overanalyzing it.
I'm just enjoying?
It being me.
And?
It feels good.
It feels right.
My Bite of Pie
So?
My Bite of Pie today?
I had a great day.
It was just?
An overall great day.
There were pieces?
Of the day?
That didn't go?
The way that I wanted them to.
And I still?
Walked away smiling.
I let the good?
Outweigh?
Any of the bad.
And that's?
A big deal for me.
Calling it?
A win.
I’m Fine. I’m Alive. Things Are Going Well.
It's not?
A super long podcast tonight.
Because?
I am still?
Getting my bearings.
I am still?
Getting back to being?
100%.
But I wanted?
To make sure?
That I checked in?
And said:
I'm fine.
I'm alive.
Things are going well.
And I'm happy?
To be here.
So?
My story?
Doesn't ever involve?
Me being sick.
However?
Sometimes?
My story writes that?
For me.
Today is another page in the story.
It does not have to be perfect.
It just has to be written.
Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:
What was your bite of pie today?
Until tomorrow,
Love you loud.
