Dear Hated Me: If You Hate Me Because I Set a Boundary, That's on You
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Have you ever recognized that you tend to be hated more?
The more you set a boundary?
The more you show respect for yourself?
The less people want to deal with you.
Like?
That is the story for the day.
I Cried Myself to Sleep
I got up.
Went to work.
After crying myself to sleep last night?
I decided to venture out and take a new job.
And instantly?
It felt like there was a boulder sitting on my chest.
Because I was walking away from a kid?
Who I wasn't done seeing grow.
And for me?
That's really hard.
It's heavy.
So last night when I made the decision?
I cried.
Hard.
Long.
Sobbing tears.
Because just that quickly?
That kid had become part of my life.
And I?
Part of his.
I Tried All the Things
I've been trying all the things.
Trying to figure out how I could stay at this particular job?
And get everything situated the way I needed it to be.
All the bills covered.
Everybody good.
Everybody in a happy spot.
And I can't.
And that sucks.
It hurts.
Because the one thing I would like to do?
Is be there for a kid who has now trusted me to be there.
You're the Fourth Person This Year That's Left
I went into work today?
And my heart was a little heavy.
Knowing what was happening.
I told a few people:
Hey.
Just so you know?
I might be leaving.
And one of the aides was just like:
"You're the fourth person this year that's left."
Then:
"I'm not trying to make you feel guilty."
Okay.
Thanks.
And then?
I went on about my day.
Miss Jamesha's Here
I met my throwy-throwy kid in one of our first classes.
He was super into answering questions.
Active.
It was just great to see him in his element.
Then I took a late lunch.
Usually?
I'm back by the time their class starts.
Today?
That didn't happen.
So I went to lunch.
Sat there with my thoughts.
How am I going to say goodbye?
Am I going to say goodbye?
What does that even look like?
And somehow?
Lunch was over as soon as it started.
I walked back to the classroom.
Opened the door.
And I hear:
"Miss Jamesha!"
"Miss Jamesha's here!"
Did you guys think I wasn't coming back?
But I wasn't expecting someone to be excited?
Because I walked through the door.
It felt good.
And it felt sad.
You Got This
They were taking a test.
And my throwy-throwy guy?
Man.
Does he try hard.
We sat him down.
Gave him his test.
Gave his peer the other test.
Then?
Guys.
Stop talking.
Guys.
Stop talking.
Eventually we moved one.
I walked up to my throwy-throwy guy.
Hey.
Keep going.
"I don't know if I can do this."
You've got this.
Keep going.
He would do a problem.
"Is that right?"
Just keep going.
You've got this.
It's all there.
You know it.
You Know More Than You Think
He'd do a couple more problems.
"Well, this is how this works?"
Yep.
"Am I spelling this correctly?"
You're spelling that correctly.
Then he'd do some more.
Some of it?
Just simple math.
And he kept solving.
Eventually?
I sat down next to him.
And I just kept saying:
You got this.
You can do this.
You know more than you think.
You have to trust yourself.
We Never Went Over This
We got to a part where he said:
"We never went over this."
It's okay.
You've got this.
You get it.
And he just did it.
He understood it.
It clicked.
He finished his test.
Started writing the last portion.
Then went to turn it in.
The teacher said:
"Okay. Great."
Then he realized:
"Wait. There's still more time left in class?"
Yeah.
"I've never finished early before."
You did today.
Because you're smart.
I Need Him to See What He Accomplished
The teacher gave him a five-minute break.
So he could go relax.
And I asked her:
Hey.
While he's gone?
Do you mind correcting his test?
I need him to see instantly what he's accomplished.
She said:
"I can do that."
So she corrected it.
He came back.
She handed it to him.
And he's like:
"You're done with it already?"
Yep.
"I've corrected your test already."
"What's my grade?"
I'll Take It
It's graded in three different segments.
He looks at one?
C.
Looks at another?
B.
Looks at the other?
B.
"So I got like a B?"
Well, yeah.
If you average it out?
You've got like a low B.
"Low B on the cusp of C?"
"I'll take it."
"That's great."
And he was excited.
"I did this."
"I did this."
"I didn't think I understood it."
"I did understand it."
"I can't wait for the next test."
Well?
It's fractions.
"I think I can handle fractions."
Great.
Let's see you handle fractions.
The Last Time, He Turned in Nothing
A kid who turned in this exact test weeks ago?
With nothing on it.
Nothing.
Today?
He took the test.
And got a B.
I've only been working with him for a couple of days.
He didn't need me to work with him because he didn't understand the material.
He needed somebody to say:
Hey.
You've got this.
You do understand this.
It's there.
Well, Miss Jamesha, You're My Tutor
I asked him:
Hey.
Do you have a tutor?
"Well, no."
"They were supposed to get me one, but like, we never did."
Okay.
Have your parents reach out to me.
I will gladly tutor you.
And he was like:
"Well, Miss Jamesha, you're my tutor."
Well?
Let's see if we can get this in some capacity?
So I can help you with all your classes.
Not just the two I work in.
How Do I Leave That?
Then the bell rings.
I go home.
I'm sitting in my car.
And I'm just doomed.
Because how do I leave that?
How do I walk away?
Knowing that for him?
"Well, you're my tutor."
Like this is why he's doing so well.
No.
You're doing well because you know the stuff.
It's in there.
You just need somebody to encourage you to do it.
And Then Kansas Happens
My day is going great.
I'm thinking:
All right.
This is how the day's gonna progress.
I can live with this.
I can do this.
And then?
Kansas.
Kansas.
Kansas.
Happens.
I feel like it's the first thing that's just going to sink me under.
Things happen in Kansas.
I'm trying to deal with them to the best of my ability.
My kid's upset.
My husband's like:
Those are the new rules.
Those are the consequences of actions.
Kid doesn't like them.
Kid calls me.
Kid is yelling.
Upset.
Then?
The kid tells me:
"I hate you both."
And hangs up.
What Would You Do If Your Kid Told You He Hated You?
I remember asking my husband once:
What would you do if your kid ever told you he hates you?
And my husband looked at me and said:
"Well, I expect at some point in time it's gotta happen."
What?
He said:
"I expect at some point my child is going to tell me he hates me."
And that baffled me.
Because growing up?
I could never fathom thinking to tell my parents I hated them.
I remember saying:
If I ever had that thought?
My dad would be in jail instantly.
People in jail would ask:
"Why are you here?"
And he'd say:
"Because my daughter thought she hated me."
And everyone would instantly understand.
All right.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
That Wasn't How I Grew Up
That wasn't how I grew up.
We didn't have those thoughts.
Let alone voice them?
To our elders.
So for me?
It's a different level of disrespect.
When you're trying to tell somebody you hate them.
If you're gonna hate them?
Stand on it.
Words like that?
Can't be taken back.
Once they're out there?
No amount of apologizing removes that ink.
Today I'm Hated Because I Didn't Undo the Boundary
So today?
I'm hated by a kid I brought into my home.
To love.
Care for.
Raise.
Because my husband set boundaries?
And I didn't make my husband undo them.
So as I'm sitting there?
Relishing in being hated, I guess?
I started thinking:
How often do I lose people?
Because I set boundaries?
Did They Leave Because I Was Mean?
I can't remember a time where I've just been downright cruel and mean to somebody?
And that's why they walked away.
And I say that?
Processing the concept that it's very rare.
That people walk away from you because you were mean to them.
Versus?
They didn't like that you stood up for yourself to them.
Sucks.
But it's true.
I Didn't Run After Anybody This Time
It's not some newfound idea.
Obviously?
It's always been out there.
Probably not my first time thinking about it.
But this?
Is the first time in a long time?
That I didn't run after somebody to fix it.
I didn't say:
Hey.
How do I get you to not like me?
How do I get you to stop hating me?
You wanna hate me because I set a boundary?
Okay.
That's on you.
You Get to Make That Decision
You get to make that decision.
We can be best friends.
We can be worst enemies.
But you get to decide where you want to lie in that.
And when you choose?
Make sure you choose.
Knowing that if you choose one of them?
You can't come back from it.
That's not how that works.
I'm Sorry Doesn't Magically Erase It
We've gotten so used to being mean.
Hateful.
Saying awful things to each other.
Then thinking:
Well, I said I'm sorry.
And it magically erases it.
If you had every intention on being mean?
It shows in how you act with somebody.
And because it shows in how you act?
Your apology is gonna hit like bricks.
It's not gonna mean anything.
You Chose to Be Hurtful
You're expecting forgiveness for something you did intentionally?
To be hurtful.
"Well, I didn't mean to say it."
But you did say it.
You had every opportunity to think through what you were doing.
What you were saying.
How you were feeling.
And instead of keeping your mouth shut?
Walking away?
You chose to be hateful.
Okay.
You got to make your choice.
I get to make mine.
If You Hate Me, It's Best I'm Not Around You
If indeed the choice is that you hate me?
Then it's best that I'm not around you.
We don't have anything else to talk about.
If in your anger?
Your first response is to be disrespectful?
Rude?
To me?
No matter who you are?
We don't have a reason to stay in contact.
Knowing and Caring Are Two Different Things
We talk about kids who walk away from their parents?
And go no contact?
All the time.
And we've made it so parents don't get to decide:
Well, you weren't that great to me either.
And yes.
There are growing pains.
You're learning.
You're adapting to the world.
Absolutely.
But even when we're young?
We're taught:
Hey.
Your words hurt people.
They have a huge effect.
You know that.
Knowing?
And caring?
Are two drastically different things.
Today It Feels Good to Be Hated
The fact that you knew?
And did it anyway?
Speaks volumes.
So?
I'm hated.
And you know what?
Today?
It feels good to be hated.
I never thought in a million years?
I'd say it felt good to be hated.
But in the grand scheme of things?
If you hating me means that I stood up for myself?
And I set a boundary?
It needed to be set.
My Bite of Pie
So what was my Bite of Pie today?
I got to see my throwy-throwy guy pass his test.
I got to see him light up when I walked into class.
I got to hear that the kiddos I'm actually working with?
Are doing better.
People are seeing a difference since I've been there.
Mom is seeing a difference since I've been there.
I know how to do my job.
I do my job well.
Praise the Kid
I don't often hear credit for it.
And I don't often want the credit for it.
Because for me?
It's just:
That kid deserved it.
That kid needed that attention.
If we could just believe in him a little bit more?
He'll go so far.
I don't need you to praise me for that.
I need you to praise him for that.
But still?
Tonight?
It was nice hearing that I was doing a great job.
Even if it made me question every choice I made last night.
Help Me Make a Decision
So this weekend?
While I'm off?
I'll go back and forth a million and a half times.
Which job should I keep?
I'll cry about it.
I'll call everybody I know and say:
Help me make a decision.
Help me make a decision.
Help me make a decision.
And they'll all tell me the same thing:
You'll be fine.
You'll figure it out.
And I'll cry:
I can't figure it out.
You're not helping.
And eventually?
I'll figure it out.
I'll make a decision.
And somehow?
It'll be the right one.
I Have to Trust Myself
I have to trust myself.
And I laugh and smile about that now.
Because as my kiddo did his math?
And worried he was doing it wrong?
Every time he thought he was doing it wrong?
And I knew he was doing it right?
I told him:
You just have to trust yourself.
And today?
That's coming around full circle.
If he has to trust himself?
To know what he's doing?
I have to trust myself.
To know I'm doing the right thing?
For me.
And my family.
That?
Was my Bite of Pie today.
If People Hate You Because You Set Boundaries
If you notice that the more you set boundaries?
The more you don't allow people to walk all over you?
The more you say:
Nope.
That's not okay.
And people hate you?
You're doing something right.
People hate having to be respectful?
When they didn't have to be before.
People hate having to follow rules?
When they thought they could walk all over you.
So be hated.
In the best of ways.
Today is another page in the story.
It does not have to be perfect.
It just has to be written.
Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:
What was your bite of pie today?
Until tomorrow,
Love you loud.
