Dear Exasperated Me: I Can't Save Everybody

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Have you ever had a week where everything seems to annoy you?

It's not necessarily the big things.

It's just the small stupidity things.

Things that shouldn't typically get under your skin?

But somehow?

They're just agitating.

I've done really good this week with staying positive.

I've had a really good week.

I've had moments with kiddos that have felt like they were life-changing.

I've had interviews that have gone well.

I've had praise.

I've given praise.

I've given love.

It just feels good.

But there's still this picky, nagging annoyance?

Just sitting there.

At This Point, I'm Not Even Sure If I Want to Fix It

Today?

I feel like it came to fruition even more.

Two different situations.

One?

It is the ongoing fight I have with a friend.

I'm still trying to navigate what's going on there.

How to fix it.

And I just don't know.

At this point?

I'm not even sure if I want to fix it.

Versus feeling like it's a necessity to.

And that seems like a really bad reason.

Then?

There's Kansas.

Whenever I think things might be starting to get figured out?

Kansas lets me know that they aren't.

And honestly?

I don't know what to do about that.

I Don't Know How to Split Myself in Half

I have ideas.

I have suggestions.

But nothing I can actually put into play while I'm sitting here.

And I'm really liking it here.

I'm really enjoying learning about myself.

Learning to explore doing things for me.

I just don't know how to split myself in half.

I don't know how to duplicate the me that's here?

For there.

And I don't even mean that in a physical way.

I mean the me that feels like I can do anything and everything here.

How do I get that girl back in Kansas?

How do I embrace her there?

And show her that she can be that person no matter where she's at?

This Job Wants Me. That Job Wants Me. This Job Wants Me.

I'm feeling wanted.

But again?

It's a job thing.

It's the usual:

Well, this job wants me.

That job wants me.

This job wants me.

I know I can't take them all.

I'm not gonna take them all.

But it's hard to pick one.

I love where I'm at.

I love the place I'm working at.

I love the kiddos.

The staff is extremely nice.

But financially?

It may make more sense to branch out somewhere else.

My Heart Has Gotten There

And that's hard for me.

Generally speaking?

I'm very financially forward in the things that I choose.

The things that I do.

But if for a moment?

My heart is somewhere in it?

It's much harder for me to walk away.

And my heart has gotten there.

I love seeing kids just:

Hi, Miss Jamesha.

Hi, Miss Jamesha.

Waving at me in the halls.

Making sure they come say hi to me.

Inviting me to their classrooms.

What's Good for My Wallet Versus What's Good for Me

I don't know how to navigate the world of doing what's good for my wallet?

Versus doing what's good for me.

I try to tell myself that even if I switch jobs?

I could always make those same impressions at the new place.

But I hate feeling like I'm leaving a kid behind.

Like I've given them something to go for?

And then I'm just like:

By the way.

I don't really care enough.

I left.

Because that's not ever how it is.

Every child that's crossed my path?

I've felt tremendously for.

I don't know how to not care tremendously.

I think that's one of my faults, actually.

Damaged Because People Didn't Care Enough

Especially working with the children I've worked with in my past.

I come across some really hurt kids.

Damaged kids.

And not damaged because of themselves.

Damaged because people didn't care enough to hold themselves accountable.

To treat them right.

To love them right.

And I don't understand that.

I don't understand how you can look someone in the face?

And do them wrong intentionally.

That will always baffle me.

And it's always something I want to be combative against.

I Don't Always Know How or When to Let Go

So I meet these kids.

And I take them on wholeheartedly.

And I don't always know how or when to let go.

Sometimes?

That's at the detriment of myself.

Not because I want to hurt myself.

And not because I don't care about me.

Although?

If we're being honest in the grand scheme of things?

I care less about myself than I do the others.

If I Could Just Change One Thing

I just have this idea about the butterfly effect.

If I could just change one thing?

Make one little ripple?

It'll change the world.

I know that's extreme.

I recognize that's extreme.

I'm a dreamer.

I'm a huge dreamer.

And in my perfect world?

Everything works out.

The way I want it to.

I have the house.

The car.

The kid.

The husband I get to come home to.

We have booming businesses.

I foster until I can't foster anymore.

I adopt until I can't adopt anymore.

And I take all the love that's bottled inside me?

And I give it to others.

In a perfect world?

I would do just that.

This Is an Exasperating World

But this is not a perfect world.

This is an exasperating world.

And in my exasperated world?

Everything just bugs me.

He breathed wrong.

He sighed wrong.

He said that wrong.

What does he mean by that?

I don't know how to deal with the overwhelming feeling of:

My gosh.

Someone's out to slight me.

And it's been a lot recently.

Sometimes I'm Just Exhausted by People

Okay.

I don't know if I'm explaining this right.

I have people in my life that I care about.

And as much as I care about them?

Sometimes I'm just exhausted by them.

I do not have the mental capacity to share my time with them.

And that always makes me feel like a horrible person.

Because if you love people?

You show up for them.

And trust and believe?

I want to show up.

All the time?

I want to show up.

But even when wanting to show up?

Sometimes I just can't.

My Social Battery No Longer Exists

And I think that's what leads to me just being exasperated.

I just feel annoyed.

Anxious.

Like I just want to scream:

Leave me alone.

But I don't really want them to leave me alone.

I'm just saying?

My social battery to handle these situations?

No longer exists.

I have to go recharge.

And if I can't go recharge?

If I can't fill myself up?

It's not gonna go very well.

I Love You, but You're Disturbing My Peace

I'm still trying to figure out how to have those conversations.

How do you look someone you love in the face and say:

You know what?

Right now?

You're a lot for me.

I can't do this.

I have this peace that I'd like to keep right now.

Inside this little bubble that I'm in.

And you are disturbing that peace.

I love you.

But you're disturbing my peace.

Those are hard words to say to someone you care about.

Because initially?

It sounds like you don't care.

But I think it's less that you don't care?

And more that you're starting to care more about you.

And your boundaries.

Not My Circus. Not My Animals.

That's a new ballpark for me.

To say:

I'm sorry.

Not my circus.

Not my animals.

Because sometimes?

That's what it looks like.

Sometimes it's listening to my kid and my husband bicker.

And it's just:

I'm not involved in this.

You guys can figure it out on your own.

And I hate saying that.

Because again?

It comes across like I just don't care.

I do care.

You Guys Are Capable

But I also care enough to know that you guys are capable.

Capable of talking it out?

If that's what you want to do.

Working it out?

If that's what you want to do.

Or saying:

Hey.

It's not gonna work.

We need to do something different.

I can't save everybody all the time.

I Can't Save Everybody

I can't save everybody.

And I want to.

I try to.

I can't.

For a long time?

That really bothered me.

Because all I wanted to do?

Was help everybody.

Maybe?

Maybe I don't help everybody.

Maybe I help the one person?

Who helps the next person?

Who helps the next person?

And it just keeps going.

That?

I think I could live with.

I could live with being the start of something.

What If the Ripples Aren't Negative?

Life-changing?

I know.

That's what my thought was today.

That I can make moves.

I can make waves.

In a positive way.

I'm so used to convincing myself that I make all these negative waves.

Negative ripple effects.

But what if they're not negative?

What if they're happening for a reason?

And maybe I don't understand the reason sitting here?

Explaining it to my journal?

But that doesn't mean it doesn't happen for a reason any less.

My Bite of Pie

So my Bite of Pie today?

I made a kid smile.

I made them feel seen.

I made another kid laugh.

I watched another kid light up because she saw me walking through the halls.

I got to talk to companies that really want me to work for them.

And that felt good.

It felt like they recognized my expertise.

My skills.

And then?

I knew how to walk away when I couldn't handle something.

I said:

Hey.

This is how it's presented to me.

And there's nothing else I can do about that.

And I let it be.

Because that's all I could do.

Sometimes You Have to Let It Be

I think sometimes when we get exasperated?

We have to learn to do just that.

We have to learn to say:

You know what?

This is out of my hands.

There's nothing else I can do about it.

I can be your sounding board.

I'm willing to be your sounding board.

I just can't solve your problems for you.

I'm not the solver.

But I can be a great listener.

Do You Want Me to Listen or Solve It?

My husband used to ask me something a while ago?

That has always stuck with me.

Do you want me to listen?

Or do you want me to solve it?

Because those are two different things.

Oftentimes?

We just want someone to listen.

I will figure out how to solve the problem.

I just need someone to hear me.

I need a sounding board.

So?

Do they need someone to listen?

Or do they need you to solve it?

You don't have to be their solver.

You can just be their listener.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.