Dear Free Me: I’m Willing to Fight With You. I’m Not Willing to Fight Against You.

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Have you ever experienced having all this emotion just bottled up inside of you?

But the moment you finally let it go?

Everything just feels free.

It's like you needed the release?

But you didn't know what to do with it.

Or how to get it.

Today was Saturday.

I didn't have anything to do.

Other than get fingerprinted.

But last night?

Was rough.

I Tapped Out

I was dealing with everything in Kansas.

And at some point?

I just tapped out.

I said:

I can't do it.

Tapping out.

Done for the night.

And when I got up this morning?

There was just a plethora of things to wade through.

It was a mess.

It was a mess.

Before I Responded, I Gave Myself Time

Before I responded?

I wanted to give myself time to think on it.

Process it.

So I thought about it for a while.

I reread the messages.

Replayed conversations.

Thought.

Sat.

Listened to myself.

Then?

I crafted a response.

And my response essentially said:

Hey.

This is where I'm at.

This is how I feel.

This is what I think.

I May Not Be the Perfect Mother or Wife

I may not be the perfect mother.

I may not be the perfect wife.

I may not ever be that to anybody.

But?

I've always been willing to try.

I've always asked questions.

I've always asked what is needed of me.

I'm always willing to do the work.

And then?

In another relationship today?

I poured my heart out.

Not in the:

Oh my God.

Sobbing.

Kind of way.

But in a:

Hey.

I recognize I've been holding back.

I Have a Rough Relationship With the Word Okay

I recognize I've been holding back?

Because I hear these things that are said.

But I replay them as something else.

I have a rough relationship with the word:

Okay.

In the past?

Hearing okay has been very dismissive.

So when someone uses okay with me?

I don't take it as reassurance.

I don't take it as:

I acknowledge what you're saying.

I instantly take it as:

Dismissive.

I Didn't Know How to Handle the Distance

I think I told you guys last week?

I've been struggling with a friend.

Because I didn't know how to handle the absence.

Or the distance.

So today?

I went back.

Read some of those messages.

And he had pointed out:

You're holding something back from me.

And when you're ready to tell me?

You will.

And he was right.

I Didn't Know What to Say

I hadn't been open with everything that was going on with me.

Because I didn't know how.

I didn't know what to say.

I didn't know how to approach it.

And finally?

Today?

It just kind of opened like a floodgate.

It poured out of me.

I said:

I recognize things freak me out that shouldn't freak me out.

Things make me sad that shouldn't make me sad.

And let me explain that.

Because my feelings?

Are my feelings.

I'm always going to have those.

What If He Likes Them More Than Me?

But for example?

He likes this person.

What if he likes them more than me?

Well?

He's allowed to like someone more than you.

We're friends.

No.

I need to be special.

And if I'm not special?

Then he must not care.

And if he doesn't care?

Then what's the point of being friends?

And it just spirals.

Right?

I Decided Everything Has to Be a Competition

I don't do it intentionally.

I just decided that everything in my life?

Has to be a competition.

Yes.

That comes from many years of competing with others?

For affection.

For love.

But?

I don't have to do that anymore.

So I took the time to explain:

That's what's been going on with me.

I Thought You Were Gonna Punish Me

I thought for a moment?

You were upset with me.

And you were gonna punish me for it.

And because I felt some kind of way?

That you didn't care.

And he pointed out:

If I didn't care?

I would just say I didn't care.

I said okay because I was busy doing something else.

But I wanted you to know I was acknowledging you.

Well?

Yeah.

I guess okay could mean that too.

Getting the Words Out Was a Relief

Having that conversation?

And mind you?

He was still just as busy today.

But being able to get all those words out?

Was a relief.

I didn't necessarily need his response to them.

His response was nice.

It was appreciated.

He heard me.

Understood where I was coming from.

It wasn't an attack.

It wasn't an insult.

It wasn't any of those things.

He took it for what it was.

I had all this stuff bottled up inside me.

And it was weighing me down.

I didn't know what to do with it.

And when I finally got it out?

There it was.

There Are So Many Knots Inside Me

There are so many times I feel like there are just knots inside me.

And I'm sure there are physical knots inside me too.

From the mental health.

But everything becomes so much work.

So overwhelming.

And I don't like being like that.

At some point in the conversation?

I was crying.

Because I said:

I recognize I'm doing this.

I see the behavior.

I don't like the behavior.

I don't know how to change the behavior.

I Hate Myself and I Hate That You Have to Deal With It

I said:

I hate myself.

And I hate that you have to deal with it.

And he said:

"That's human."

And I said:

But no one should have to deal with that.

And his response?

"It's just you."

Well?

I don't like that part of me.

"You're fine."

Something so simple.

I've Been Taught My Emotions Are Too Big

I've been taught that my emotions?

Are too big.

Too loud.

Too overwhelming.

So instead of sharing them?

I shove them down.

Then I shove them down some more.

I hide them.

I eat them.

I overspend them.

I do everything?

But process them.

Talk them out.

Let the person know:

Hey.

That didn't sit right with me.

I Recognize That I Lie to Them a Lot

Even talking to my husband and my kid today?

It was:

I recognize that I lie to them a lot.

Not because I'm cruel.

Not because I want to hurt them.

Because?

It's just easier for me.

It's easier for me to put that distance between us.

Give up.

And just say:

Ugh.

Whatever you want to hear.

It's fine.

This is where I'm at.

That's not helpful.

That doesn't serve any one of us.

I Hide

I acknowledge that I hide from them.

When they are too overwhelming for me?

Instead of saying:

Hey.

I need space.

Hey.

I can't handle this right now.

Hey.

This is too much for me.

I hide.

And then?

Because I'm hiding in my own home?

Because I'm hiding and I ran to California?

It's:

You didn't even care enough to notice me to begin with.

Well?

Did I Communicate Those Needs?

Did I take the time to let them know?

Did I take the time to communicate those needs?

Those wants?

Those feelings?

Well?

No.

It was overwhelming.

I didn't know how to do that.

And so?

Instead of being forthcoming?

I made them my enemy.

I’m Willing to Fight With You

Today?

I said something to my child?

That I feel like I should've said to myself a long time ago.

I am willing to fight for you.

I am willing to fight with you.

I'm not willing to fight against you.

And I don't think he was ready to hear those words.

I don't think those words mean anything to him quite yet.

And he's entitled to feel that way.

He's entitled to process that however he needs to.

But for me?

It's a big deal.

I'm Tired of Fighting Against Everybody

I've had so many people for years?

Fight against me.

If they didn't like what I was saying?

If they didn't like what I was doing?

Then it was just a problem they had to fix.

Just butting heads.

But I don't want to fight against anybody.

I'm tired of fighting against everybody.

Fight with me.

Fight for me.

Or leave.

I'm not fighting against you?

To prove my worth.

To prove my boundaries mean something.

To prove that I am worth what I think I am worth.

I Deserve These Things

I've fought really hard to get to the spot where I am.

Where I've decided:

Hey.

I deserve these things.

Because I do.

I deserve to be smiling.

I deserve to be happy.

Because I do.

I deserve a life that's not miserable.

And that's only gonna happen?

If I'm willing to set forth the effort.

Set these boundaries.

Say:

No.

It goes no further than this.

Today I Feel Free

So today?

I feel free.

Today I had hard conversations.

Usually?

Those hard conversations make me feel some kind of way.

I'd be upset.

Sad.

I'd shelter in.

Prepare for the storm that it would bring.

Afraid of what someone was gonna say to me.

Today?

I said:

You know what?

No.

They're Going to Be Hard, but They're Going to Be Truthful

I'm gonna have those conversations.

They're gonna be hard.

They're gonna be unpleasant.

But?

They're gonna be truthful.

I'm going to say my piece.

Because that's all I can do.

Either?

They'll accept it.

Or?

They'll reject it.

But I did what I needed to do for me.

I Wasn't Cruel About It

I wasn't cruel.

I wasn't mean.

I wasn't demeaning.

I simply said:

Hey.

This is where I stand.

This is why I stand there.

This is what I can do.

This is what I can't do.

And it was reasonable.

It wasn't:

No.

That's just who I am.

I'm not changing.

Because sometimes?

The way you are?

Needs to change.

Sometimes You're the Problem

Sometimes the things you do?

Are problematic.

The things you say?

Are problematic.

You have to be willing to make adjustments.

You have to be willing to do the hard things.

The icky things.

The things that make you uncomfortable.

You have to be willing to say:

Okay.

I see that.

I may have been the problem there.

I Will Own My Part

And today?

I did that.

In both conversations?

That had absolutely nothing to do with each other?

I said:

I see where I am the issue.

I'm not the only part of that issue.

I'm not taking blame for the whole thing like I used to do.

But?

I will own my part.

I will own my responsibility for the situation we're in.

I Should Have Set Better Boundaries

I should have set better boundaries.

I should have spoken up?

When something was bothering me.

I should've communicated:

Hey.

This is what's going on.

That's on me.

That will always be on me.

It's my job to advocate for myself.

We've talked about that here.

It's something I'm working on.

Your Reaction Is on You

As much as it's my responsibility to advocate for myself?

It is still your job?

To control how you react.

How you feel.

I am not responsible for your actions.

It doesn't get to be:

Well, because you did this?

I didn't do this.

Or:

I didn't do this because you could've done it.

No.

You didn't do your part?

Because you didn't want to do your part.

That's on you.

My reaction to that?

Is on me.

Your reaction?

Is on you.

We've Already Lost the Plot

We make excuses constantly.

Well?

You could've called me.

Yeah.

I could've.

And I own that.

I could've called you.

But if that's your retort?

We've already lost the plot.

Because your actions aren't determined by my actions.

They're determined by how you feel.

What you want.

What your boundaries are.

Today?

I said:

You know what?

That's what that looks like for me.

And that's okay.

My Bite of Pie

So my Bite of Pie today?

I had really hard conversations.

That people didn't necessarily like.

And I said:

Well?

I'm sorry you don't like it.

I'm sorry it upsets you.

It doesn't make it invalid.

It doesn't make it wrong.

But I'm willing to work with you through it?

If that's something you want.

And?

I got my favorite pizza.

I tried a new mini churro snack.

Which?

Was amazing.

And I watched my Celtics win.

Well.

They haven't won yet.

But I'm speaking it into existence.

The Celtics are gonna win tonight.

I Didn't Let the Conversations Ruin My Day

I had a good day.

In spite of the bad things that happened.

I didn't let those conversations ruin my day?

Like I usually would.

I didn't let somebody else determine?

That I should be miserable.

Because:

Well.

They didn't like what I said.

It'd be different if I was mean.

Cruel.

Hurtful.

I didn't do any of those things.

I have no reason to be sorry or upset about them.

So?

I'm not.

I Genuinely Had a Great Day

I genuinely had a great day.

I felt free.

I felt like me.

Peaceful.

At ease.

I had fun.

I laughed.

I played.

I danced.

I sang.

That's how days are supposed to go.

You Don't Have to Keep the Weight on Your Chest

And they're so much easier?

When you don't have this weight sitting on you.

All these things you need to say.

Get off your chest.

But you keep to yourself?

Because you don't want to upset somebody else.

Sometimes?

Setting boundaries means upsetting somebody else.

Sometimes?

Speaking about what you're going through?

How you're feeling?

Is going to upset somebody else.

Especially when they're not used to accountability.

Again?

That's a them problem.

You're Still Responsible for Taking Care of You

You're still responsible for taking care of you.

So if today?

You wanted to feel free?

And you did?

And you did what you needed to do?

To make yourself feel better?

I'm proud of you.

And if you're sitting somewhere thinking:

My gosh.

This person's gonna be mad at me.

They're gonna be upset with me.

Because this is what I feel.

This is what I'm saying.

I'm proud of you too.

I Know How Hard It Is

I know how hard it is.

I know the challenge you face?

In telling someone how you feel?

And feeling like you're gonna lose that person.

I get that it's scary.

It's hard.

It's unpleasant.

And that shouldn't be the case.

I think if it gets to the point?

Where we're scared to talk to somebody who means something to us?

That speaks volumes about where they should be in your life.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.