Dear Sweaty Me: I Did It Anyway

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever noticed?

When you tell people about the things you want to accomplish?

It goes one of two ways.

It either fails instantly?

Because people are used to you saying something?

And not following through.

Or?

It makes you hold yourself accountable.

Because they expect you?

To fall through.

I Have So Many Things I Want to Accomplish

That's what this episode is.

I have so many goals.

So many aspirations.

So many things?

I want to accomplish.

And I'll tell myself:

Hey.

We're gonna do this.

We're gonna set this goal.

We're gonna meet this goal.

We can do this.

And then?

Inevitably?

I stop.

I jump?

From one thing?

To another.

I Haven’t Done That With My Journal

But recently?

I recognized something.

I haven't done that?

With my journal.

And I think?

That's largely because?

I put myself out there?

And said:

Hey.

This is something?

I'm doing every night.

Regardless?

Of what I'm feeling?

Or what's going on?

I'm gonna take the time?

To write my journal.

And apparently?

That made me accountable?

To doing what I told you?

I would do.

Since June

And because of that?

I've followed through?

Since June.

This is probably?

The longest I've written?

In my journal?

As an adult.

And I'm proud of myself?

For that.

So today?

I set a new schedule.

One that was less complicated?

Than the one?

I was originally making.

Mental Me and Physical Me

And I told myself?

Part of my new schedule?

Was working out.

Because while I'm working?

On mental me?

I also need to work?

On physical me.

So the plan?

Was either:

Go to the gym?

Or?

Do something local.

Either way?

That works.

Thirty Minutes of Movement

And I didn't set?

Some outrageous goal?

For myself.

I said:

Okay.

You know what?

Thirty minutes of movement.

That's it.

I just want?

Thirty minutes of movement?

A day.

I don't have to make it?

To the gym.

I just need?

To make the effort?

To do thirty minutes.

The Longer I Sat, the Less I Wanted to Move

So then?

I get home.

Eat my lunch.

It's delicious.

And I sit here.

And the longer I sit?

The less I want?

To get up?

And go move.

So of course?

I do everything?

To talk myself out of it.

I'm too tired.

I went to bed late.

It's okay.

I'll do it tomorrow.

You Said You Were Gonna Do It

And someone said:

Well.

You said you were gonna do it.

So go out there?

And do it?

For ten minutes.

If you still feel good about it?

Keep going.

And if not?

You did something.

And I thought:

You know what?

I can manage that.

That sounds?

Easy enough.

So?

I went out.

And I Did Thirty Minutes

And I did?

Thirty minutes.

I was tired.

And honestly?

It embarrassed me?

That I was tired?

After walking?

For thirty minutes.

But?

It was a good tired.

A good burn.

A good feeling?

That I was outside?

Doing something.

And the funny part?

My brain was already saying:

I can't wait?

Until I can run this.

My Mind Was Already Thinking Ahead

I'm walking?

For thirty minutes.

And my mind?

Already says:

I can't wait?

To be able to run it.

And when I came back inside?

I started preparing?

For my journal.

And I had a thought.

Whenever I tell you guys?

I'm gonna do something?

I follow through.

Why Not Hold Myself Accountable This Way?

So why not?

Hold myself accountable?

This way?

By saying:

Hey.

I'm gonna start something?

As simple?

As walking?

For thirty minutes.

And I say simple?

Because I can acknowledge?

It's not some strenuous workout.

But I also acknowledge?

My working out?

Isn't just about physical health.

When I’m Outside, I Feel Better

When I'm outside?

I feel better.

That's not a mistake.

It's not some random thing?

That happens.

I know?

If I get fresh air?

My mental health?

Is better.

And yet?

My first reaction?

When I'm going through something?

Is to close myself up?

In my room.

So today?

I went outside.

And walked.

I Didn’t Go Very Far

I didn't go far.

Stayed in my little cul-de-sac.

Walked around?

Three different times.

And I realized?

My concern wasn't:

Can I do this?

Can I make this happen?

My concern was:

Oh my gosh.

People are gonna wonder?

Why I'm walking in circles.

Oh my gosh.

That neighbor?

Is gonna think I'm crazy.

Nobody Was Saying That

Again?

My thoughts?

Were about?

How somebody else?

Was going to perceive me.

Versus:

Did you even hear?

Your own thoughts?

You were proud of yourself.

So proud?

That your thought was:

Man.

I'm doing this every day?

And one day?

I'm gonna be able to run it.

Not walk it.

Why Do I Let the Negative Inventions Win?

Why do I do that?

Why do I allow?

All the negative inventions?

Because nobody's saying that.

People walk?

In my area?

All day long.

Nobody cares?

That I'm walking.

But somehow?

I let the idea?

Of what somebody might think?

Trump?

The excitement?

Of accomplishing something.

Dear Sweaty Me

So I came back inside?

Feeling sweaty.

And I didn't change.

I sat here?

And said:

I'm gonna start my podcast.

Dear Sweaty Me.

And even as I'm talking?

There are metaphors?

Hidden all throughout this.

Because we're so good?

At saying:

I'm gonna get to this.

I'm gonna do it one day.

I'll get around to it.

Versus?

Actually doing the thing.

But You Did It

And then?

When we do the thing?

Instead of giving ourselves credit?

It's:

Well.

I could've done that sooner.

Could've done it better.

Could've—

But you did it.

Right?

But I did it.

It wasn't perfect.

It wasn't everything?

I thought it would be.

But?

It felt good.

I Don’t Owe Anybody Proof

It felt good?

To go out there?

And do something?

For me.

Helpful?

To me.

I don't owe anybody?

Anything.

I don't have to go out there?

And prove myself?

To my husband.

My kids.

My friends.

In my head?

I do.

In my heart?

It feels like I do.

But in reality?

I don't.

Taking Care of Me Can Be Enough

I can just?

Do things?

To take care of me.

And that?

Can be enough.

So that was?

My little thirty-minute workout.

I threw in my headphones.

Put on some music.

And just walked.

And as I walked?

I smiled.

I Had Fun

I listened to my music?

And smiled.

I had fun.

I was singing?

In my head.

Not out loud.

It was just?

Joyous?

To do something?

For myself?

That was healthy.

Today Was a Good Day

Today?

Was a good day.

I got up for work.

Did not?

Want to get out of bed?

At all.

But?

I did.

I left on time.

Got to school on time.

Didn't manage?

To get breakfast?

This morning.

Normally?

That would bother me.

Today?

Not as much.

I Made It Through My Day

I made it?

Through my day.

I got to hang out?

With my kids.

Laugh.

Joke.

Play.

Interact with?

The teachers I like.

It was?

A great day.

I found out?

I get off early?

This week.

Found out?

I have a couple days?

Coming up?

That I get off?

That I wasn't expecting.

Overall?

Really good day.

Then My Mom Texted Me

But?

Even on top of that?

The most amazing part?

Of today?

Was?

I randomly got?

A text message?

From my mom.

My mom?

Doesn't do that.

My mom doesn't?

Reach out to me.

She doesn't interact with me?

That way.

But since I've been back?

In California?

I've noticed?

The effort?

She puts forth?

Into talking to me.

She Was Happy We Spent Time Together

Today?

She sent me a text?

Saying she was happy?

She got to spend time?

With me yesterday.

And the sentiment?

Was nice?

In and of itself.

But it also?

Made me chuckle.

Because it was like:

I hope we get?

To do that again soon.

I really had?

A great time?

Seeing you?

And spending time with you.

And then?

She ended it with:

Love your mom.

We Are Not an “I Love You” Family

And in my head?

I couldn't help but laugh.

Because last night?

On the way back?

My sister and I?

Were talking about?

How we're not?

A family?

That says:

I love you.

For whatever reason?

It's just?

Too hard for us?

To do.

We wish?

We could be better?

At that.

But?

That's not who we are.

I Love You, Mom

I even acknowledged?

When I talk to my husband?

I don't say:

I love you.

I say:

Love you too.

As if saying?

I?

Is impossible.

So I responded?

To my mom's message?

And at the end?

I put:

I love you, Mom.

She responded?

And still?

Couldn't say:

I love you, Jamesha.

Instead of Being Bitter, I Saw Progress

And instead?

Of being bitter?

Or upset?

I just thought:

We made progress.

We're making progress.

It was progress?

For my sister?

My mom?

And me?

To sit at church?

Last night?

Hang out?

With each other.

It was progress?

For us?

To laugh.

Joke.

Interact?

The way we did.

It’s Not Perfect

That?

Is progress?

For our family.

It's not perfect.

It's not complete.

But?

It's a work in progress.

So I was ecstatic?

To see the message.

Ecstatic?

To respond.

But more importantly?

When I said:

I love you, Mom?

I meant it.

That Felt Different

And I think?

That's what felt different?

For me.

For so long?

I've been so bitter?

About my relationship?

With my mom.

It's been?

A struggle.

Growth for me?

May look like?

Acknowledging?

Not everything?

Looked the way?

I thought it looked.

That Doesn’t Discount My Experience

That doesn't discount?

My experience?

Or my relationship?

With my mom.

It was tough.

But I can also acknowledge?

I don't have to hold on?

To everything?

That hurt me.

If I'm worried?

It's going to happen again?

If I'm worried?

History is repeating itself?

I know how?

To set boundaries now.

I Know How to Take Space Now

I know how?

To take space now.

I know how?

To process?

What's happening?

Versus?

What I'm thinking?

Is happening.

I know how?

To have that conversation.

And better yet?

I know how?

To hold her accountable?

For her actions.

I didn't have that before.

I Know How to Speak Up Now

I didn't know how?

To speak up for myself?

And say:

No.

This is not?

How we do things.

And if you had told me?

Back in June?

When I started this?

That I would be?

In California?

Still doing this?

Spending time?

With my sister?

And my mom?

I would've never believed it.

I Would’ve Thought It Was Impossible

I would've thought?

It was impossible.

But?

That's not the case.

I don't expect perfection.

I tell my kids?

That all the time.

I don't expect perfection.

I don't expect things?

To overnight?

Become some miracle.

I'm not asking?

For miracles.

I'm asking?

For chances.

Opportunities.

And thus far?

I've gotten that.

My Bite of Pie

So?

My Bite of Pie today?

I talked?

To my mom.

I never thought?

In a million years?

That my big thing?

For the day?

Would be?

A text message?

From my mom.

I think?

For the longest time?

I've yearned?

For my mom?

Just to talk to me.

And today?

It happened.

I Felt Like I Had a Mom

And it wasn't:

I approve?

Of the decisions?

You're making.

Or:

I approve?

Of the things?

You're doing.

But?

I felt like?

I had a mom.

And that?

Was a great feeling?

Today.

So?

She's got a daughter?

Who's sweaty?

Trying to figure life out?

To the best?

Of her ability.

The Most Important Relationship

I'm navigating?

A marriage.

Long-distance relationships.

Friendships.

All the other relationships?

You could think of.

While trying?

To maintain?

The most important relationship?

Of them all.

The relationship?

With myself.

Because it's so easy?

For me?

To get lost?

In my relationship?

With everybody else?

And discount?

Myself.

This Time, I Don’t Want to Do That

This time?

I don't want to do that.

So I'm gonna be?

Sweaty me.

Work-in-progress me.

Future me.

I'm probably gonna be?

Sad me.

Disappointed me.

Because?

That's part of life.

You don't get?

Just good.

You get?

Good and bad.

I’ve Survived 43 Years

But I have this idea?

I've survived?

43 years.

I think?

I can survive?

A few more.

I'm pretty sure?

I can survive?

A few more.

So if you're out there?

Writing your story?

And things are happening?

Unexpectedly?

And you're just?

At a loss?

As to why?

They're happening?

It's okay?

To question it?

And still accept it.

We Sometimes Do Scary Things

It's okay?

To be apprehensive?

And still?

Want to try.

That's life.

Sometimes?

We do scary things.

Sometimes?

We have to jump in?

When we don't really know?

What that looks like.

And when we like it?

We keep writing?

That story.

And if we don't?

We erase it?

And start over.

Because?

We're allowed?

To do that.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.