Dear Quiet Me: I Need to Learn When to Be Quiet and When to Get Loud

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What do you do when the whole world goes silent?

You know things are happening.

You can see them.

You can feel them.

But for some reason?

Your world is just silent.

I Needed That Reset

Today?

I woke up at a quarter to five.

Yesterday, when I was done with the podcast?

I took my meds.

Laid down.

And went right to sleep.

I was emotionally done.

Checked out for the day.

I slept from seven-something?

Almost eight o'clock?

Until 4:45 this morning.

And I needed it.

I needed that reset.

Last night?

Was a hard night for me.

I Hated That I Made Him Feel Like It Was His Fault

I woke up this morning?

To messages from my son.

And I hated?

That I made him feel like?

He was the reason for my bad day.

Because while his text message?

Played into it?

He was not the reason for it.

So I clarified that.

And then?

I tried to talk myself out of getting out of bed today.

I Really Didn’t Want to Get Up

I had plans.

Plans I hadn't vocalized to anybody.

But I could see?

That I was trying to convince myself?

To ignore them.

Stay in bed.

I didn't do that.

I got up.

Got dressed.

Met my sister at church.

And?

It felt good to be there.

Odd.

But good.

I Kept Thinking I Shouldn’t Be There

Odd because?

The whole entire time I was sitting there?

I kept thinking?

I shouldn't be.

Not that I don't deserve to go to church.

But?

That I'm not good enough to be at church.

There's no reason?

Why God would choose me.

Love me.

Want me.

I'm as broken as they come.

Mistake After Mistake After Mistake

I make mistake?

After mistake?

After mistake.

I apologize.

Ask for forgiveness.

And do it all over again.

It's the cycle of my life.

I seem to have a hard time?

Learning my own lesson.

So why?

Would He want to reach somebody like that?

I Felt Detached

I sat there.

Listened.

But I felt really detached.

When church was over?

My sister suggested?

We go see our mom.

I said:

Okay.

I'll go with you.

And she warned me:

If we go see Mom?

Mom's gonna have us go to her church.

Because my mom's church?

Is later than ours.

Okay.

That's fine.

And Again, I Felt Like I Wasn’t Enough

So we went to my mom's house.

Talked to my mom.

Then?

Went to church with my mom.

And again?

I sat there.

Thinking:

I'm not good enough.

I'm not enough.

And that's an odd feeling for me.

I'm used to being?

A disappointment to people.

I do that all the time.

I'm used to being?

A disappointment to myself.

I do that constantly.

But sitting there?

Thinking that the God they've talked to me about?

The God I've known since I was a child?

Wouldn't think I was enough?

That one?

Had some effect.

Nobody Taught Me That

And it isn't that?

Somebody told me that.

Or taught me that.

Again?

Most of these thoughts?

Are just thoughts that play around in my head.

Nobody has to teach me these things.

I instantly?

Just feel like I'm not enough.

I Spent the Day Quietly Suffering

So I spent the day?

Quietly doing things?

While suffering.

Holding it all inside.

That changed tonight.

On the ride back home?

Me and my sister?

Started talking.

And we talked?

Like we've never talked before.

Tonight, My Sister Became My Friend

We talked about similarities.

Things we've noticed.

Our family dynamic.

Everything.

And I really enjoyed?

Talking with my sister.

We even talked about?

How we're not good at reaching out?

When we need help.

Because?

We keep things really tight to the vest.

To the chest.

We know?

That's not how life is supposed to be lived.

But?

It's what we know.

And tonight?

My sister became my friend.

I’ve Never Really Had That With My Sisters

I've never really had that?

With any of my sisters.

My brothers?

Yes.

Several of my brothers.

I say several.

I have three.

I've had two different brothers?

Live with me?

At two separate times.

I've always been on really good terms?

With my brothers.

Not as great?

With my sisters.

So it was nice?

Driving.

Singing.

Laughing with her.

Then I Realized How Quiet My Day Had Been

And then?

I realized?

I didn't really talk to my husband today.

I did for a little bit.

But not really.

Or my friends.

It was just?

Quiet.

And I recognized?

It was quiet?

Because that's how I made it be.

I didn't reach out to anybody.

I didn't talk to anybody?

About what was going on.

I Could Have Used Someone Last Night

I even said that to my sister tonight.

Hey.

I had a really bad night last night.

I was really going through it.

And instead of reaching out to family?

Talking to someone?

I just shut down.

I could've used someone last night.

And?

I just shut down.

And she came back with:

I've been feeling similarly.

And I also?

Didn't reach out to anybody.

You Can Always Reach Out to Me

So I told her:

You could always reach out to me.

I hope?

This is the start of something new.

And you know?

At the end of the day?

You can reach out to your big sister.

And maybe?

I'm working on relationships?

I actually came out here to work on.

Maybe Some Things Are Meant to Be Quiet

The ones?

I thought I was gonna have?

They don't seem as promising?

At the moment.

But maybe?

Maybe that's a good thing.

Maybe?

That's meant to be quiet too.

I Know How to Be Quiet in All the Wrong Ways

I know how?

To be quiet?

In all the wrong ways.

I'm quiet?

When I need to speak up.

When I need?

To set boundaries.

When I'm hurting.

And I'm loud?

When I'm mad.

When I'm seeking things?

I shouldn't seek.

I can be very loud then.

Those?

Are the times?

I wish I were quiet.

Today Was a Good Day

So tonight?

My podcast is a little late.

Because?

I've been busy with my sister.

And it was a good day.

In general?

I learned my sister likes lemon pound cake.

Or?

The lemon loaf from Starbucks.

I didn't know that.

Something we have in common.

And I was a nice big sister?

And gave her the rest of mine this morning.

Oh My Gosh, I Do the Same Thing

It's amusing?

Seeing the similarities we have.

She and I?

Are ten years apart.

And there are certain things?

I see?

And I'm like:

Oh my gosh.

I do the same thing.

That's how I sound.

We talked about?

How we can be really sarcastic.

Really cold.

We don't say:

I love you.

Because?

That's not how we grew up.

That's just not?

In the realm of normal for us.

Our Parents Were There, but Our Parents Weren’t There

We acknowledged?

That a lot of who we are?

The things we do?

Come from how we grew up.

And that's not presented?

As a dig at our parents.

Or anything like that.

Our parents were there.

But?

Our parents weren't there.

And I'm hoping?

With this open form of communication?

Between her and me?

We break some of those cycles.

Maybe She’ll Love Her Kids Differently

So that if?

She ever has kids?

She teaches them differently?

Than I do.

That she loves them?

In a way?

That's different than we were.

That we gain something?

From this experience.

Make a difference.

We’re Working on Building Relationships

We're pushing?

For holidays together this year.

Thanksgiving.

Christmas.

We're working?

On building relationships.

And honestly?

That's all I could ask for.

In the meantime?

I'll learn?

How to be quiet?

When I need to.

And loud?

When I don't.

I think?

That's an important lesson for me today.

My Bite of Pie

My Bite of Pie today?

I got to hang out?

With my sister.

We had fun.

We laughed.

We got lunch together.

Then?

We went and got See's candy.

Which?

I haven't had in years.

So I'm really excited about that.

It Felt Familial

I got blankets?

For my mom's—

My room's not so cold.

I watched my mom and my sister?

Tease each other back and forth.

My sister:

That's not fair.

You gave her everything.

And Mom's like:

I give you stuff all the time.

It just?

Felt familial.

And right now?

I really need that.

I Need Somewhere I Belong

I need?

To feel like part of a family.

I need to feel like?

There's some place?

Where I fit in.

Where I belong.

That?

Was my Bite of Pie today.

I felt that.

And?

It felt good.

I Wanted You Guys to Know I’m Okay

I wanted you guys?

To know that I was okay.

That I am okay.

I didn't do anything stupid last night?

As I said I wouldn't.

That wasn't my headspace.

I'm deeply sorry?

If I made any of you think?

That's where my headspace was.

It wasn't.

At all.

I was sad.

That was it.

There Were No Thoughts of Hurting Myself

There were no thoughts?

Of hurting myself.

Or harming myself.

I was just sad.

And I can establish?

That my mental health?

Has come a long way.

I get sad.

I don't get destructive.

I don't hurt myself anymore.

It took a long time?

To get there.

Different doses of medication.

But?

Those aren't thoughts I have.

Sometimes I Just Want to Disappear for a While

I hurt.

I cry.

Sometimes?

I wish I could legit disappear.

Not like die.

But just:

Hey.

I'm gonna be out in the world?

Where nobody can contact me?

For a while.

So I can get my bearings back.

But?

I'm okay.

I’m Sad, but I’m Okay

I'm sad.

But?

I'm okay.

And I'm learning?

That it's okay to be sad.

That doesn't make me weak.

It doesn't make me less strong.

It makes me?

Human.

If You Need to Shrink Yourself, Get Loud

So if you're out there?

And you're feeling quiet?

In a world that's not quiet?

That's okay.

If you're feeling like?

You need to shrink yourself?

Because of things going on?

Get loud.

If you feel like?

You have to shrink yourself?

Because people can't respect your boundaries?

Get loud.

But If You’re Fighting for People to Notice You, Get Quiet

But?

If you feel like you're fighting?

For people to notice you?

And that's why you're loud?

It's probably?

When we should be the quietest.

We shouldn't have to put on shows?

To impress people.

Have them want us.

Be involved in our lives.

They should be able?

To make that decision?

Regardless.

I’m Glad I Got Out of Bed Today

Today?

Was a great page in the book.

I may not have felt?

The best.

Or the strongest.

But?

It was a good day.

I'm glad?

I wrote it the way that I did.

I'm glad?

I got out of bed today.

I'm glad?

I made it out of the house.

And?

I'm glad you're still here.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.