Dear Failing Me: Tonight, I Don’t Feel Like Enough
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What do you do?
When you can't seem to do anything right?
You try.
You try.
But?
It just—
Something.
You try.
I Thought I Was Having a Good Day
Today?
I thought I was having a good day.
I woke up.
I ate breakfast.
I kind of reminisced?
On why I am the way that I am.
But not in a bad way.
Just some of my quirks.
Like?
I love cheese.
But I don't like it on cold sandwiches.
And I love pickles.
But only by themselves.
Just things like that.
I've always had things like that.
My Body Apparently Needed Four Hours
I ate breakfast.
Then?
Laid back down.
Went back to sleep.
I set a timer?
For two hours.
Ended up getting four.
And I didn't beat myself up for it.
Because some days?
Your body just knows:
We need something.
So then?
I decided to be productive.
I’m Gonna Take Care of the Whole World From My Office Chair
I'm gonna get up.
Take care of everything.
The whole world?
From my office chair.
Because it's not so much?
That I'm taking care of the whole world.
It's all the projects?
I've decided I need to do.
And every day?
I feel like I add some more.
But I was doing well with that.
I was getting things done.
I was laughing.
And then?
I got a text message.
And My Good Day Crashed
From there?
The good day I was having?
Crashed.
This morning?
I was speaking with my husband.
And there was this underlying tone?
Where I could feel myself starting to beat up on me.
I heard that our oldest daughter?
Had been talking to him.
And immediately?
It was:
Well.
She hasn't really talked to me.
So what's going on there?
What’s That Supposed to Mean?
He said:
Well, you know.
I'm available.
What's that supposed to mean?
I'm at work.
I can't help?
That I'm at work.
And all of it?
Felt like a personal attack.
And I don't think that's what it was.
I remember telling him:
She has gone back to her mom's house.
So?
I wasn't expecting to be important anymore.
And then?
I realized.
That's just me?
Being inside my head.
Telling myself the things I tell myself?
When I'm not in a healthy spot.
Let Me Get Off the Phone
So I said:
You know what?
Let me get off the phone.
Let me focus on something different.
And I did.
I did that.
My day?
Was going well.
And then?
My Kansas kiddo reached out to me.
Asking about his cell phone.
Because he believes?
As of Monday?
He's leaving.
I haven't heard anything?
One way or the other.
But instantly?
I felt like I was failing.
I Had a Child in My Home Since May
I've had a child in my home?
Since May.
We're in October.
And the concern?
Is if he gets to take his phone with him.
And I recognize?
That isn't necessarily a statement?
On how he feels.
It may just be:
What's easiest to deal with right now?
But all I get to?
Is:
I'm failing.
It Reminds Me Why Trying Feels Futile
It reminds me?
Why I don't have kids of my own.
Why nobody wants kids with me.
It reminds me?
Why trying seems futile.
It reminds me?
Why there are days?
That I don't talk to anybody.
I don't answer my phone.
It reminds me?
Of the many times?
That I've tried to just not exist anymore.
I keep failing.
There Are Times I’m Legit Doing Better
And I want to say?
I'm getting better.
That I'm doing better.
And there are times?
That I'm legit doing better.
That I feel better.
Yesterday?
Yesterday felt great.
I felt popular?
In the sense that the kids I was helping?
At my school?
Seemed to really be taking to me.
And today?
At this moment?
I can't help but think?
They'd all be better off without me.
I’m Going to Let Them Down
Because in some way?
Shape?
Or form?
I'm just gonna let them down.
I'm going to hurt them.
I'm going to disappoint them.
They're better off without me.
And while I can recognize?
The good that I do.
The joy I bring to people?
Because that exists.
I know that exists.
Right now?
It doesn't feel like enough.
Right Now, I Don’t Feel Like Enough
Right now?
I don't feel like enough.
And I don't know?
How to make that feeling go away.
I don't know how?
To convince myself?
That I need to exist.
That I need to be around.
I mean?
I will.
I always do.
I'll fight the urges.
The thoughts in my head.
I've gotten pretty good?
At fighting those demons.
But at some point?
You get sick of having to fight those things?
Over and over again.
You get sick?
Of having to pick yourself up.
Tonight, I Don’t Know What to Do
Tonight?
I don't know what to do.
I feel embarrassed?
That things are happening the way they're happening.
I feel extremely sad?
That I can't help people?
The way I want to help them.
I feel useless.
And I recognize?
That at this moment?
I'm probably my own worst enemy.
I can't get out of my head.
And I want to.
I want to so badly.
I Know It’ll Be Safer If I Can Distract Myself
I know?
It'll be safer if I can distract myself.
That's hard.
That's hard?
When things are happening to you.
And right now?
I feel like my life?
Is happening to me.
For every step I take?
That's good?
There are five more?
That I fall back.
And it feels like?
The effort doesn't matter.
Effort doesn't change anything.
Today, I Feel Like I’m Failing
So today?
I feel like I'm failing.
I'm failing?
All the people who trusted me.
The people who say they love me.
I'm failing my husband.
My kid.
My friends.
My family.
I just constantly fail.
Constantly mess up.
Right?
I Hurt People
I hurt people.
I make them sad.
Mad.
Angry.
I make them feel unimportant.
And if I can make someone feel that way?
Then surely?
I don't deserve to interact with anybody.
Because I have no desire?
To make people feel that way.
I know what that feels like.
It Was One Small Message
And today?
Just one small message?
That's what rushed back.
People don't get that.
We talk about the word trigger?
And it's so overused at this point.
But it was one message.
That's all it took.
One small text message.
It wasn't mean.
It wasn't degrading.
And reading that one message?
Made me feel like?
I was the biggest failure.
All he did?
Was ask if he gets to keep his phone.
Mental Health Is So Hard
Mental health?
Is so hard.
Because you never know?
What's gonna rock the boat.
You never know?
What you're gonna be able to take in stride.
You never know?
What's gonna send you crashing.
There's rarely warning signs?
About the deep dive?
You're getting ready to get into.
Tonight?
I'm hoping to stay out of that.
I Can Recognize When I Need the Extra Help
It'll probably very much be?
An anxiety-med kind of night.
Which then?
Will make me super groggy tomorrow.
And I won't be able to do anything tomorrow.
But?
I can recognize?
When I need the extra help.
And as much as I hate it?
With a burning passion?
I'll take the extra help tonight.
I Know What I’m Not Supposed to Do
I'll figure out how to self-soothe.
I'll figure out how to—
Bottle it all inside?
Until I can forget about it.
Disassociate.
You know.
All the things?
You shouldn't do?
When you're in a mental crisis.
Because you're supposed to talk to somebody.
You're supposed to surround yourself?
With people who care?
So you're not spiraling.
I Don’t Get on Here and Pretend I’m Great
Guys?
I don't get on here?
And pretend I'm great.
I have bad days.
I have really bad days sometimes.
And tonight?
Tonight's a bad night.
I won't do anything?
That I'm not supposed to do.
And I can acknowledge?
That it's the kind of night?
Where I want to shut everybody out.
I’m Gonna Have to Work Hard Not to Do That
So?
I'm gonna have to work hard?
To not do that.
Because I know?
That's only gonna lead me down a road?
I don't want to be on.
So today?
My story?
Did not look like I wanted it to look.
I thought?
I was writing a wonderful page today.
And then?
Boom.
Plot twist.
Sometimes There’s a Plot Twist
And that happens.
It happens sometimes.
We have to acknowledge it.
My Bite of Pie today?
I'm acknowledging?
That right now?
I'm really hurt.
I'm not in a position?
To be positive.
Or bubbly.
Right Now, I Probably Need People More Than I Usually Do
I'm not in a position?
To push people out right now.
Right now?
I probably need people?
More than I usually do.
And for me?
That's growth.
Because I am quick?
To shut down.
Stop talking to anybody.
And while every ounce of me?
Wants to do exactly that?
I know not to.
My Bite of Pie
That's my Bite of Pie today.
And?
I took a shower.
I didn't wash my hair.
Because that seemed like?
A lot of work.
But?
That's my Bite of Pie today.
I did accomplish some things.
Even when?
I thought I wouldn't.
I Didn’t Intend to Cry
I always feel really stupid?
Getting online and crying.
Because I don't understand?
Why anyone would want to get online and cry.
I did not intend to cry.
I'm explaining myself?
Because I feel like I should explain myself.
But?
It's my journal.
So?
This happens.
Right?
Sometimes Your Journal Is Not Pretty
It happens.
Sometimes?
Your journal is not pretty.
Sometimes?
Life is not pretty.
Sometimes?
We feel like we're failing?
Everything.
Everyone.
And we have to take it in stride.
It Doesn’t Mean We Give Up
It doesn't mean?
We give up.
Although?
I know it feels like it does.
It doesn't mean?
We get to shut down?
And not talk to anybody.
It means?
We're extra cautious?
Of the help that we need.
We're extra cautious?
About who we let in?
In those moments.
Find the Person You Trust
Find the person?
That you trust.
The person?
That you can go to.
There's somebody out there.
Even a stranger?
Who just wants to see you thrive.
And sometimes?
It's the stranger?
That you'll find?
Means the most.
So?
I get to just remember.
Today is another page in the story.
It does not have to be perfect.
It just has to be written.
Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:
What was your bite of pie today?
Until tomorrow,
Love you loud.
