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Have you ever had to go through something?
That you were for sure?
You couldn't handle?
But you made it through it?
I think that applies?
To lots of things in my life.
Such as?
Life.
But today?
Today I think I had to deal with that?
With more than one thing.
Today Was Supposed to Be the Day My Kid Left the House
Today was supposed to be the day?
That my kid left the house.
And I was nervous about it.
And I obviously couldn't be there?
So I couldn't get details?
Of how things were happening?
When they were happening.
And I hear?
It didn't go very well.
At all.
Things that aren't worth fighting for?
Or fighting about?
Became things that we fought for.
We fought about.
And that chapter of that story?
Ended a lot worse?
Than I wanted it to.
I Was Sad and Frustrated and Angry and Relieved
And I was sad.
And I was frustrated.
And I was angry.
And relieved.
I think?
That's the hardest emotion to deal with.
Was the relief.
I didn't want my child to leave.
I didn't want him?
To have to start over?
Or to figure things out again.
But I also could acknowledge?
That where he was with us?
Was not helping him.
He needed something more?
Than what I was giving him.
He needed something more?
Than what my husband could give him.
And our home?
Wasn't the right spot.
I’m Not Happy. I’m Not Celebrating.
So as much as I may be sad about it?
And as much as it hurts?
I can also acknowledge?
That it was good.
It was good?
That he left?
To go find a better placing.
I'm not happy.
I'm not celebrating.
But?
I can understand it.
My Brain Doesn’t Like to Give Me Time Off
So then after that whole ordeal?
My mind had to process?
Other things.
California.
Kansas.
Finances.
Homes.
Marriage.
My brain?
Doesn't like to give me time off.
It likes to jump?
From the pot?
To the fire.
And once one issue is solved?
I find the next big thing?
To tackle.
And for some reason?
Today?
I chose my marriage.
At least that's how it seemed to me?
That I was choosing?
The topic of my marriage.
Marriage Has Been Difficult for a Very Long Time
Marriage?
Has been difficult?
For a very long time.
I fought with myself.
With my husband.
With counselors.
And it always ends up?
The exact same way.
With nothing solved.
Well?
Today I asked my husband?
A series of questions?
That I thought would lead?
To figuring out?
The perfect response.
I Started With His Child
I knew?
That I was gonna start?
With his child.
Because I think?
That it's very important?
That he is there?
For his son.
So I asked:
Hey.
Have you considered?
Having your son move in?
Well?
No.
Well?
If you asked?
Do you think he would?
And again?
These weren't like?
Leading questions.
But they were questions?
In my mind?
That I had figured out?
How to navigate my life based on.
If this kid said no?
Then?
It was okay.
What Does That Look Like?
So if he's not planning?
On living with you?
Do you plan on visiting?
And what's that look like?
What's that schedule supposed to be?
And the schedule?
Was supposed to be sort of?
What it has been.
Which is?
When he has time?
And the money to do so?
He will.
Okay.
That makes sense.
I can understand?
Why that's the case.
So if you aren't gonna have him move in?
And you're not going to see him?
On a regular basis?
What Are We Doing? You and I.
What are we doing?
You and I.
Because I don't know?
What we're doing.
And then?
We ended up talking about?
What that meant.
Was it like:
Are you coming back to Kansas?
No.
No.
I'm not coming back to Kansas.
I don't have an interest?
In coming back to Kansas.
I don't have a desire?
To come back to Kansas.
I don't want?
To come back to Kansas.
I Don’t Want to Come Back to Kansas
I didn't say it?
All that way.
I just said:
No.
I don't want to come back to Kansas.
But that's what?
I was feeling.
Not a desire.
Not a want.
Not a goal.
I don't want?
To come back to Kansas.
But I could also acknowledge?
He doesn't want?
To leave Kansas.
I’m Not Giving an Ultimatum
He said?
There's nothing keeping him there?
Keeping him from leaving.
But it feels like?
That's not necessarily true.
And again?
I'm not giving an ultimatum.
I'm not drawing a line?
In the sand.
Hey.
If you want to stay in Kansas?
Stay in Kansas.
If I wanna stay in California?
I should also be able?
To stay in California.
I Don’t Know What That Means for Us
I don't know?
What that means for us.
It doesn't sound?
Like a very happy marriage?
Or even?
A very good marriage.
With the idea?
That we can't see each other?
Because we can't afford?
To see each other.
But?
Something has to happen.
Something has to move.
And I expected?
With having that conversation?
I'd walk away feeling?
One of two things.
Devastated?
Because he won't come to California.
Or devastated?
My marriage was ending.
Neither of those happened.
I Think I Knew Where This Was Headed
I have been able to acknowledge?
For quite some time?
That my husband moving to California?
Probably isn't going to happen.
And I think?
That when I decided?
To take this job?
I knew?
Where that was headed.
And I think?
My actions?
And the way that I acted on them?
Speak volumes.
If I knew in my heart?
He wasn't going to come with me?
And that I wanted to come out here?
And there was a good chance?
I was gonna want to stay?
I was essentially?
Walking away from my marriage.
But That’s Not How My Brain Works
But?
That's not how my brain works.
My brain said:
I'd come out to California.
I'd figure things out.
We'd figure things out in Kansas.
We'd go from there.
And I was talking to somebody today?
And I was explaining?
My thought process?
And why it worked?
The way that I thought it worked.
And in my mind?
It was:
I don't think that he will come?
But I want to lay it out there.
Not as an ultimatum.
Not as a:
Do this or this happens.
But a:
I'm here in California.
Do you want?
To be out here with me?
I Want to Live This Life
And we have things?
Going on in Kansas?
That obviously?
Have to be taken care of.
I don't ignore that.
I don't think?
That's something?
To pretend is okay.
But at the same time?
I want to live this life.
I want to live this life?
Where I'm surrounded by family?
And we're spending time together?
And we're enjoying?
Each other's company.
I want to live this life?
Where I am thriving?
In my business.
I am thriving?
In my mental health.
And I'm doing things?
For me.
It’s Nice to Finally Do Things for Me
I spend a lot of time?
Doing things?
For other people.
So it's nice?
To finally put forth?
The effort?
To do things for me.
And I think?
It's in that?
That I felt strong today.
Difficult things happened?
And I didn't just break down.
I was told again?
How much he hates me?
By my kid.
I hate the both of you.
Okay.
And it hurt?
To hear.
But?
If that's how he feels?
That's how he feels.
There Are Certain Things You Can’t Take Back
I remember?
He told me that?
Just the other week ago.
And those words?
Weren't erased.
They weren't forgotten.
And he even came back?
That night?
And apologized for it.
But I think?
There are certain things?
That we say?
That we can't take back.
And for me?
One of those things?
Is to tell somebody?
You hate them.
Once you put that?
Out of the box?
There is no locking it back in.
You can't make?
Those words?
Go away.
Even a:
Well, I was angry when I said it.
Yeah.
But?
You still said it.
It Came From Somewhere
It came from somewhere.
Even if the idea was?
That it came from?
A want?
Of wanting to hurt me.
You said it.
So I guess?
I kinda never let it go?
That that's how he felt.
So when he said it again today?
It stung.
But not as bad?
As the first time.
And I just accepted?
That that's what?
It's gonna be.
And that chapter?
Was ending differently?
Than I wanted it to.
I Also Wasn’t Upset
And then when I talked?
To my husband today?
And the conversation?
Didn't garner a:
I'm packing my bags?
And coming out there.
It's not what I wanted.
But when it didn't garner a:
Yeah.
This makes the most sense?
For me to come to you.
I also?
Wasn't upset.
I recognize?
People have to do?
The things that they need to do?
For themselves.
Just as much?
As I need to do?
The things I need to do?
For me.
I Put Myself on Hold
And typically?
What I do?
Is I put myself on hold?
So that everybody else?
Can get what they need.
Well?
I'll just wait.
And then?
When you get what you need?
It'll be my turn.
And then?
I wait.
And then?
I wait.
And it doesn't happen.
This Time, Instead of Waiting
This time?
Instead of waiting?
I decided to be strong.
And I said:
You know what?
There are things?
I want to accomplish.
And I'm going to do them.
And while?
In a perfect world?
I wouldn't be doing them?
Alone.
It's okay?
If I have to.
I Was Strong Today
So?
I was strong today.
I had rough conversations.
I still put forth the effort?
To do the things?
That I needed to do.
I went to class today.
Finished homework.
Did a discussion post.
I'm ahead of schedule?
For this week?
For class.
Things are going well?
At school.
I still have to do laundry.
Which is odd?
Because I usually do laundry?
On a certain day?
At a certain time?
All the time.
And since I've been in California?
I've been rocking?
Whenever I get to it.
It's kinda weird.
But?
I'm doing better.
Not perfect.
Far from perfect.
But better.
Sometimes I Walk Myself Through It
And when I start?
To feel overwhelmed?
Or upset?
I walk myself?
Through it.
And sometimes?
It's easier than others.
Sometimes?
It's a:
Hey.
This is how you're taking?
That information.
But that may not?
Be the case.
Right now?
You may feel like?
Nobody loves you?
Or nobody cares.
It's one thing?
To feel that way.
It's another thing?
To know it.
Sometimes It’s Just Hard
And then?
There's times?
Where it's just a:
I'm really having a hard time.
And everything's accumulating?
Into a big ball?
That feels like?
It's running me over.
And I just can't.
That's okay too.
You see?
I don't have to be strong?
All the time.
That's not?
How life works.
You Don’t Have to Be Brave All the Time
You're not required?
To not be scared.
Or not be sad.
To be strong?
All the time.
To be brave?
All the time.
But?
You do have to show up.
You do have to put forth?
The effort?
To get through it.
Being able?
To work through?
The issues?
And the problems?
And the mentality?
Of mental health?
Is what makes us strong.
Fighting the Thing Inside Your Head
It's one thing?
To fight a person?
Outside of you.
You can see them.
You know where to hit them.
You know how?
That works.
It's another?
To be strong enough?
To fight the thing?
Inside your head.
The thing you can't see.
It's just the voice?
That you continue to hear.
Today?
I fought the thing in my head.
I fought the voice?
That told me?
That because he hated me?
I was a crappy mom.
I Wasn’t a Crappy Mom
I wasn't a crappy mom.
I just wasn't?
His mom.
I wasn't?
What he needed.
And while that's sad?
It's also true.
I wasn't?
What he needed.
And that's okay.
I'm not gonna be?
Everybody's everything?
All the time.
I Told Myself I Was Letting My Husband Down
I told myself?
That I was letting?
My husband down.
And then recognized?
That my husband knew?
That it was possible?
If I came out here?
I wasn't gonna come back.
I don't know?
If that's letting him down?
If that's what?
He expected as well.
So today?
I chose?
To be strong.
For me.
My Bite of Pie
My Bite of Pie?
I showed up for myself?
In ways that surprised me.
And I am doing better?
In school?
Than I thought I would.
I'm excited about it.
And I think?
That's what's helped?
Make it easy?
To do the work.
To read the chapters.
I have an interest?
In what I'm learning.
And I have an interest?
In where it's gonna go.
And that?
Has made a huge impact?
On how I see school?
Currently.
It also helps?
That, you know?
It's costing me a fortune?
And I'm paying cash.
So?
You know.
Tomato, tomato.
That’s Strong
If you are feeling?
Like you were strong today?
Because you did something hard?
Like get out of bed?
That's strong.
If you told somebody?
No?
That's being strong.
If you listened?
To someone yell things at you?
That were hurtful?
And mean?
And you didn't lash back out?
That was strong.
Sometimes Being Strong Means Protecting Our Own Peace
Sometimes?
Being strong?
Means protecting our own peace?
In a storm.
We acknowledge?
What's happening.
But we don't let it get in.
I can see?
That it's raining?
Without having to go?
Stand in the rain.
So?
That's how today looks.
It looks like me?
Being strong?
Even when?
I don't expect myself to be.
Today is another page in the story.
It does not have to be perfect.
It just has to be written.
Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:
What was your bite of pie today?
Until tomorrow,
Love you loud.
