Dear Masked Me: I’m Tired of Masking

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

What do you do?

When you're standing in front of someone?

And they still don't seem to see you?

It's not that you're invisible.

It's not that you're even doing that great of a job?

At trying to hide.

You're just?

Not seen.

I Reached Out and Called Someone

Today was a work day.

And I went to bed early last night.

I woke up in the middle of the night?

Because for some reason?

That's my thing now.

And the first thing I did?

Was reach out?

And call someone.

And it wasn't one of those:

I'm afraid?

And I need someone?

To calm me down?

Conversations.

Or an:

I need a pep talk?

Kind of conversation.

It was one of those conversations?

You make late at night?

To someone you care about?

Just to kind of chit-chat?

And smile about.

That’s Not What Happened

That's not what happened.

And it's not that?

I don't understand?

Why that didn't happen.

Because I do.

They were frustrated?

With what they had going on.

I thought?

Just for a moment?

My calling?

Would make them smile.

And they were just?

Really frustrated.

So I got off the phone.

Because they were yelling.

Not yelling at me.

They were just upset?

And yelling?

And begging?

And things.

So?

I got off the phone.

I Decided to Try Again

And I sat for a moment?

With what just happened?

Before I decided?

To try again.

So I called back.

And that time?

I got more of a smile?

And a laugh.

I was being silly.

You know?

I called back.

So that's kind of funny.

And then?

It went right back?

To frustration.

And again?

Not with me.

And I could acknowledge?

It wasn't with me.

I Wanted Connection and Laughter and Playfulness

But the effect I wanted to have?

And the effect I was actually having?

Were two drastically different things.

I wanted connection.

Laughter.

Playfulness.

And that wasn't available.

I couldn't give that to somebody?

The way that I wanted to give it to them.

To make them smile?

And make their day better?

Because we were talking.

That wasn't the case.

So I got off the phone.

And?

I went back to sleep.

I Woke Up Feeling Off

I woke up this morning?

And I just felt off.

But?

I got up.

I got dressed.

And started my day.

Typical me.

Rewarded myself with Starbucks?

Because girl's gotta have breakfast.

And I pull up to work?

And I'm sitting there.

And I am processing?

The best way I know how.

I Could Feel Myself Dissociate From It

And it's not so much?

The processing part?

That was the problem.

It was knowing?

What was going to happen.

I had all these feelings?

Going through my body.

And I could feel myself?

Dissociate from it.

Well?

You have to work.

You have to get up.

You have to work.

You have to get out of your car.

You're working with kids.

They don't get to see that.

They Don’t Get to See That

They don't get to see that.

It's not their responsibility?

To see that?

And deal with it.

I would never put that?

On them.

So I was talking to a friend?

And I said:

Yeah.

You know?

I'm pretty good?

At masking up.

It's something?

That I've learned to do.

To wear a mask.

Pretend I'm okay?

When I'm not okay.

Smile?

When I'm falling apart.

It's 43 years?

Of work.

And So I Did

And so?

I did.

I went to work.

And you would think?

That everything was fine.

Because I didn't let on?

Anything else.

I laughed.

I played.

I hung out.

I joked.

I did?

All the things?

I was supposed to do.

And I got off of work.

And I got in my car.

Then I Got a Text Message

And then?

I got a text message.

And the text message?

Was a nice one.

Simple.

I just didn't know?

How to convey?

What I needed to say.

I saw the message?

And all the feelings?

Instantly came back.

How do I—

How do I respond?

To such a message?

The message said:

I love you.

And?

I didn't know how to respond.

I Didn’t Know How to Respond

It seems silly?

Thinking about it.

Saying it out loud.

And yet?

I didn't know how to respond.

At that point?

It wasn't even so much?

That I was numb.

It was just?

Nothing was there.

And so I mulled it over?

For a while.

And I thought?

About just not responding?

To the message.

And that seemed rude.

So?

I picked up the phone?

And I called.

Are You Okay?

And the first question was:

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I'm okay.

Are you not angry anymore?

Well?

I never was angry with you.

And I think?

It gave the misconception?

As to that's what my thought was.

That was never my thought.

I didn't think?

They were angry with me.

I just thought?

That I meant enough?

At this point?

That I could have?

A positive influence?

On their day.

And that wasn't the case.

I’m Here

And I kept being asked:

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

And I kept saying:

I'm here.

I'm here.

And I kept being asked?

If I was okay.

And finally?

I said:

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm okay.

I wasn't okay.

I Finally Acknowledged I Don’t Feel Well

And at some point?

I finally acknowledged:

I don't feel well.

I know.

That's why I keep asking?

If you're okay.

And then?

I got quiet.

Because?

I was starting to get anxious.

And I didn't know?

What more to say.

But I could feel?

The mask was slipping.

I Think I Should Get Off the Phone Now

And rather than?

Have somebody else deal with that?

I said:

I think?

I should get off the phone now.

And I'm almost certain?

That I heard them say:

Okay.

Well?

Call me if you need me.

If you want to talk about it later.

And I said:

Okay.

And then essentially?

Got off the phone.

Because You Don’t Cry When You’re Wearing a Mask

And as I drove?

I could feel?

My eyes starting to tear up.

But?

I never cried.

Because?

You don't cry?

When you're wearing a mask.

Nobody would notice.

I guess?

It's the best time to cry?

Because nobody would notice.

But it seems like?

A great way?

To make your mask?

All stuffy?

And gross.

So?

I didn't cry.

I Just Kinda Sat in It

And then I thought:

Well?

Maybe I should call somebody else?

And work through it.

But?

I didn't do that either.

I just kinda?

Sat in it.

Sat with it.

When they say?

That you should check?

On your strong friends?

It's because?

They've learned?

To hide things?

Really well.

We laugh.

We joke.

We play.

While on the inside?

Falling to pieces.

I’ve Got a Lot of Big Emotions Going On Right Now

I'm not necessarily?

Falling to pieces.

I wouldn't say?

That I am.

I would say?

That I've got?

A lot of big emotions?

Going on right now.

I don't know?

Where to place them.

I don't know?

How to handle them.

Today?

I had a thought?

That I did not like.

But?

Stopped there.

I just—

Today?

I'm tired of masking.

All I Wanted Was to Get to the House

And so?

Because I'm tired of masking?

All I wanted?

To do today?

Was get to the house.

Do my podcast.

Order some dinner.

Eat.

And go to bed.

It's five o'clock here.

It's nowhere near time for bed.

And I'm not gonna do that?

Because I recognize?

The headspace?

I'm putting myself in?

To do that.

At Some Point I Will Call Somebody

At some point in time?

I will call somebody?

And have them?

Help me through it?

To a degree.

As much as?

I can let someone?

Help me through it.

Or?

I'll just put on a mask?

And act like everything's okay.

And joke.

And laugh.

Because?

I don't wanna talk about it.

And dissociating sometimes?

Is the easiest way?

To navigate.

Although?

Obviously?

You're not navigating?

My feelings.

My Chest Feels Heavy

I think?

A lot of things?

Have happened?

In this week.

And I've had?

A lot of things?

To wade through?

As far as emotions.

And I have yet?

To finish processing?

All the emotions?

And thoughts?

That I've had.

They feel heavy.

My chest feels heavy.

It's what I kept thinking?

On my drive home.

Ugh.

My chest feels really heavy.

It feels like?

There's something?

Sitting on it.

I Made It Home

But?

I made it home.

And I'm here.

And despite?

What I'm feeling?

And what I'm saying?

I recognize?

That I'm smiling.

Almost as if?

I'm wearing a mask again.

Because sometimes?

That's the easiest thing?

For me to do.

That's how I feel today.

My Bite of Pie

My Bite of Pie?

I figured out?

A project?

I was working on.

Really proud of it.

It's almost done.

Started another project?

Because why not?

I got my kiddo?

That I work with?

To actually sit?

And talk with me today.

I've been with my kid?

For over a month now.

And they actually?

Sat there next to me?

And talked to me today.

That felt nice.

I Was There Physically

I didn't have?

A horrible day.

I just wasn't?

Emotionally involved?

In my day.

I was there physically.

I went through the motions.

I can tell you?

What happened?

And how it happened.

I couldn't tell you?

Any feelings?

Or sentiments?

Behind them.

Because that part of me?

Was closed today.

She wasn't available.

I couldn't make her available.

There Are Gonna Be Some Days That Are Just Hard

So I guess?

What I'm saying is?

There are gonna be?

Some days?

That are just hard.

And we're gonna hide?

Behind a mask?

Because for some reason?

That is easier?

Than opening up to somebody?

About what's going on?

In our heads.

We can't hide forever.

It's not healthy for us.

It's not healthy?

For anybody.

But?

I understand why we do it.

I Don’t Have to Name Them Yet

When we don't feel?

Like there's a person?

We can trust?

And talk to?

And work through?

All the convoluted thoughts?

We have going on?

In our head.

I don't mean convoluted?

As in like?

We're thinking?

Of hurting ourselves?

Or anything like that.

There's just?

A lot of emotion?

That we are trying to process.

And they aren't congruent.

They don't always match up.

They don't always make sense.

I'm sure?

I could sit down?

And write them all out.

But?

That might actually?

Solve the problem.

Right?

I’m Not Yet Ready to Acknowledge the Feelings I’m Having

Usually?

When I say things?

Or I write things out loud?

I can work through them.

But?

I don't think?

I'm yet ready?

To acknowledge?

The feelings that I'm having.

I know?

That they're there.

And I know?

That they're big.

But I don't have to?

Name them yet.

I don't have to?

Assign them yet.

Because once I assign them?

Then I have to process?

On why they exist.

And?

I'm not in the headspace?

For that yet.

This Is Just It Today

So if you're like me?

And there are days?

Where you put on a mask?

And you're just like:

This is just it today.

This is what you get.

I am physically here.

I can do all the things?

I need to do.

I can manage?

Quite well.

I'm really good?

At doing the things?

That I need to do.

I'm just not?

Emotionally available?

To check in?

With any of those things.

I get that.

I understand that.

I've waded?

Through that water?

More often?

Than I should.

But That’s Life

But?

That's life.

And we get through it.

We work through it.

We share it.

We sit with it.

Even when?

We don't enjoy it?

We process it.

And then?

We decide?

If it's something?

We need to keep?

Or if it's something?

We need to let go.

And right now?

I think?

That's where?

The big feelings come from.

I'm not quite sure.

Today My Page Was Awkward

So?

Today my page?

In my story?

Was awkward.

It was full?

Of positive things?

That I can't even?

Interpret as positive?

At the moment.

Because my feelings?

Are closed off.

And once I open them?

Then I can sit there?

Like:

This was great because of this.

And because of that.

And this happened.

And wow.

What a day.

But?

That means?

Letting all those emotions?

Come into play.

And right now?

She's not available for that.

And that's okay too.

We just have to remember:

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.