Dear Heartbroken Me: I’m Entitled to Be Sad and Heartbroken
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Have you ever had someone break your heart so bad?
And yet?
You continue to go back to them?
It's something about the idea of them?
That you can't let go.
My World Came Crashing Down
Today?
I hid my feelings really well.
I had to work?
So you gotta do what you gotta do.
I go to work.
Spend time with my kiddo.
I felt kind of ill.
Just kind of off today.
But?
That's life.
Then at eleven this morning?
I started getting messages from my husband?
Regarding our kid.
And just that quickly?
My world came crashing down.
I knew what was happening.
I suspected what was gonna happen.
Didn't make it any easier.
Kids Come, Kids Go
It was hard.
But that is the process?
Of being in foster care.
Kids come.
Kids go.
Doesn't make it any easier.
So today?
I struggled with that.
And somehow?
Made it through the day?
As best as I could.
I Would Love to See You, But
On my car ride home?
I called my husband.
I wanted to see how things were going there.
Because I knew my kid?
Was taking it really rough.
And I kept trying to distract myself?
Because I needed to think about something else.
Process anything else.
So?
Thanksgiving.
We've talked about doing Thanksgiving out here.
Me helping my mom cook.
Doing a whole big thing with the family.
I mentioned it to my husband.
And he said:
Okay, yeah.
I figured you'd want to spend time with your family.
And I said:
Okay.
Then he's like:
Did I say something wrong?
I feel like you're waiting for something.
And I said:
No.
You didn't say anything wrong.
I was just trying to figure out?
If you wanted me to come there?
If you wanted to come here?
What were your thoughts for the holidays?
And he gave me:
Well, I would love to see you.
And because?
I speak fluent husband?
I said:
But.
And he said:
It's expensive.
I said:
Okay.
I understand.
And that?
Broke my heart some more.
The Worst Thing They Can Say Is No
Today?
I was really craving Mexican food.
But I don't want?
Just any Mexican food.
I want to go sit down?
And have Mexican food.
And the person?
I want to go sit down and have Mexican food with?
Always seems to be really busy.
And my thought was:
Well.
I can call anyway?
And see if they're available.
I shared that with Jason.
And Jason says:
Yeah.
Go ahead and call.
Yeah.
But they're always too busy for me.
I don't want to bother them.
And Jason says:
Well.
The worst thing they can say is no.
I don't like being told no.
No is really hard sometimes.
I'm just not gonna ask.
What If He Says Yes This Time?
I went back and forth?
For quite some time?
With myself.
Do I call?
Do I try?
Do I put myself out there?
No.
Don't do it.
Well?
But what if he says yes this time?
No.
Don't do it.
Well?
You don't know if you don't try.
Tonight?
I had pizza for dinner.
Right Now, the Three Men in My Life Aren’t There
And I thought:
Heartbroken.
Because as of right now?
The three men in my life?
Aren't there.
My husband?
Can't be here?
Because of expenses.
My son?
Can't be there?
Because it's not working between him and my husband?
And he's gotta move on.
And?
Boyfriend hasn't been boyfriending.
So?
I'm heartbroken.
Nobody Wants Me
I don't know?
What to do with all that information.
And of course?
Instead of it just being:
Hey.
Everybody's got something going on.
Everybody does.
I make it?
A personal attack against me.
Well?
That means nobody wants me.
Nobody cares.
Nobody loves me.
Those things?
Aren't the same.
Them being too busy?
Them not having the money to do something?
Aren't the same things?
As me not being wanted.
Loved.
Cared for.
I don't know why?
I keep likening the two.
They're not synonymous.
I Don’t Know If It’s Worth Trying
Nonetheless?
I'm struggling with it.
I'm struggling with?
Finding my place?
In someone else's life.
I don't know how to ask.
I don't know how to try.
I don't even know?
If it's worth trying.
And it's not?
That I don't care about them.
I don't know?
If I feel like?
I'm worth interrupting their lives for that.
Maybe they are better off?
Being busy.
Not being able to afford to see me.
Maybe?
That's just the way life is supposed to be.
Maybe?
I'm just supposed to leave it alone.
Maybe They Don’t Want To
And that's what?
I've been toying with.
Leaving things alone.
Stop seeking out things?
That maybe?
I'm not supposed to have.
I mean?
People say:
If they wanted to?
They would.
Maybe?
They don't want to.
That's my thoughts.
I'm just thinking out loud.
Processing things?
The best way I know how.
I Didn’t Want to Bring Anybody Else Down
As I had that conversation with my husband?
I got really sad.
I told him?
I was probably not good company?
Because I was really sad.
And he was still?
Trying to talk to me.
I asked him if he was pokering.
He said no?
Because he was on the phone with me.
And I used that?
As an excuse to get off the phone.
Well?
I'm okay.
You can go do that.
And he's like:
Okay.
Well, if you're okay.
Yeah.
I'm fine.
I'm okay.
Then?
I got off the phone.
And it wasn't?
That I was okay.
Or I was fine.
It's that?
I didn't want to bring anybody else down.
I didn't want him?
To deal with me being sad?
When I could just deal with it?
By myself.
I Deal With a Lot of Things by Myself
I deal with?
A lot of things?
By myself.
And I'm recognizing?
I'm the constant theme there.
Whenever I feel like there's a problem?
I'm involved in it.
No.
I think?
I have more things to ponder on.
I think?
My reflections aren't quite correct.
Maybe?
I'm just feeling a lot of things right now?
And trying to figure it all out.
And that's okay.
I Don’t Have to Have Everything Defined Yet
I don't have to have?
Everything defined yet.
I'm entitled?
To be sad.
And heartbroken.
I'm entitled?
To work through my emotions.
And as I work through them?
I will learn?
And grow from them.
I will learn?
What is true?
And what is just feelings.
Tonight though?
Tonight?
I'm just gonna feel them.
I don't have to explain them.
I don't have to deep dive into them.
I just get to acknowledge?
That they're there.
While I curl up?
In my bed?
With my blankets?
And just exist.
My Bite of Pie
My Bite of Pie today?
That's a hard one.
I finally told?
Several people?
That I'm going back to school.
That's been?
The secret project?
I've been working on.
I didn't tell anybody?
Because I didn't want anyone?
Judging me for it.
I am known?
To start things?
And not finish them.
And this?
Is really important to me.
So?
With my big girl money?
I paid for school.
Signed up for class.
And?
I'm going to school.
I’m Actually Doing the Reading
This is my first week.
I did?
All the things?
I was supposed to do.
And I already started?
On the stuff for next week.
And instead of skimming things this time?
I'm actually doing the reading.
I'm a really good skimmer.
A really good guesstimator.
Summarizer.
I don't want?
That to be my college experience.
I want to know?
What I'm talking about.
What I'm learning.
I Don’t Get to Decide That They Don’t Care
That's my Bite of Pie today.
I knocked out?
Several assignments.
Got ready?
For next week.
And I told?
The people that I cared about?
That I'm in school.
Because up until this point?
Only one person knew.
Well?
One person knew.
Then I told my sister.
So I guess?
Two people knew.
And that's my Bite of Pie.
Not being—
I don't know.
Shame's not the right word.
But?
Not being afraid?
To share the positive things?
In my life?
With people who?
I don't think really care about them.
I have to learn?
To stop assigning feelings?
To everybody else.
I don't get to decide?
That they don't care.
I don't get to decide?
That I'm unimportant to them.
They get to tell me?
How they feel.
And then?
I get to back that up?
With their actions.
That's how that works.
Heartbreak Doesn’t Last Forever
If you're feeling heartbroken today?
Know?
That it doesn't last forever.
But?
It's okay?
That you feel that way.
We can take our time?
To wade through it.
Understand it.
Express it.
It's not an overnight thing.
It's not a right now thing.
It's just?
One of those feelings?
You kind of have to sit in.
It doesn't go away quickly.
And I know?
I'm probably gonna be heartbroken?
For a little while.
And I get to accept that.
That's also life.
Today?
My story had ups and downs.
I finished my homework.
I did well in classes today.
But?
I also found out?
That my kid's leaving my house.
I may not see my husband?
For the holidays.
And I haven't seen boyfriend?
For a while.
Some days?
The story doesn't look perfect.
It's not romantic.
Or glamorous.
Sometimes?
It's just a mix?
Of all the feelings?
You could possibly have.
Today is another page in the story.
It does not have to be perfect.
It just has to be written.
Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:
What was your bite of pie today?
Until tomorrow,
Love you loud.
