Dear Little Me: Yes, You Can Trust Me. I'm Fighting for Us.

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Have you ever wondered where your trust issues come from?

Like?

How do they start?

Where do they begin?

Today was a really good day.

But then I watched something at the pool that stuck with me.

You Always Say That, but You Never Do

There was a little girl playing in the pool.

Her mom kept telling her:

Get in the pool.

Get in the pool.

Get in the pool.

The little girl didn't want to.

Then her mom said:

"If you get in, I'll get in."

And the little girl said:

"You always say that, but you never do."

That sentence hit me.

Because she was little.

Maybe five.

And she already knew.

She already had enough history to predict disappointment.

I Want to Trust You

The mom kept insisting she would get in.

The little girl kept saying:

No.

You always say that.

Eventually?

She jumped in.

And her mom didn't.

The little girl said:

"You said you were gonna jump in with me."

And I just sat there thinking:

Man.

Trust issues start young.

She wanted one thing.

Show me I can trust you.

Show me you'll do what you said.

Show me you're somebody I can turn to.

I Recognized Myself in Her

That's what made it hurt.

I saw myself.

I grew up in a household where we didn't ask questions.

We listened.

Did what we were told.

If we questioned too much?

That was a problem.

Somewhere along the way?

Little Me learned that thinking for myself got me in trouble.

Asking questions caused problems.

Trusting adults who were supposed to do right by me?

Didn't always make sense.

I Almost Drowned and Got in Trouble for It

I remember falling into a pool as a little girl.

I almost drowned.

Someone saved me.

And then?

I got yelled at.

I was in trouble for being too close to the deep end.

But I remember thinking:

Where were the adults who were supposed to be watching me?

That didn't matter.

Somehow?

It became my fault.

And when things like that happen enough?

You start learning not to depend on people.

I Don't Trust You, but I'm Still Gonna Do It

How many times do we carry that same thing into adulthood?

With partners.

Parents.

Friends.

I don't trust you to follow through.

But I'm still gonna do it anyway.

Because I need something from you.

Because I hope this time will be different.

Because leaving the relationship might cost me something else.

So I keep trying.

Keep giving.

Keep hoping.

Even when part of me already knows how it's probably going to end.

I Trusted an Uber More Than My Family

That's where I am now.

When I needed to go get my car?

I trusted an Uber more than I trusted asking family who lived nearby.

Because I'm used to people saying one thing?

And doing another.

That's sad.

That's not how it's supposed to work.

But it's familiar.

And sometimes?

We accept familiar because we don't believe we can get better.

What If You Deserve Better?

But what if you could get better?

What if you deserve better?

I know.

I hear that and part of me immediately goes:

Me?

No.

That's for somebody else.

Not me.

But maybe that's another thing Little Me learned.

That everybody else could have good things.

Reliable people.

Love.

Respect.

Care.

But somehow?

I was supposed to settle for less.

Little Me Is Heavy

Little Me has a lot of healing to do.

She's hurting.

She's sad.

And Me Now?

Pays for Little Me.

Because until I can heal her?

I carry her around.

And she may not be big.

But she's heavy.

She's a boulder sitting there saying:

We deserved better.

And we didn't get it.

We deserved care.

Love.

Respect.

People in our corner we could trust.

It Doesn't Have to Be the Worst to Still Hurt

People will tell you:

You had food.

Clothes.

A house.

You had a good life.

And yes.

Those things matter.

But just because something wasn't as bad as it could've been?

Doesn't mean it wasn't bad.

You can have your physical needs met?

And still grow up not trusting the adults around you.

You can be fed?

And still not feel safe.

You can have a home?

And still feel like you aren't allowed to speak.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I did the things I needed to do.

I woke up on time.

Left late.

Still made it to work on time.

And yes?

I stopped for Starbucks.

Because I was not going without coffee today.

I handled things I didn't see coming.

Got lunch.

Came back and somehow my parking spot was still available.

Miracle.

Made it to my second job on time.

Had fun with my kiddo.

Got home.

And I still had enough in me to sit down and do my journal.

Simple.

But good.

Yes, You Can Trust Me

So if your Little Me is hurting?

If they're asking:

Can you help?

Can I trust you?

Tell them:

Yes.

You can trust me.

I'm fighting for us.

I may not know how to fight for us all the time.

But I am fighting for us.

Because we deserve that.

Keep writing the story.

Let Little Me see that it doesn't end the way they thought it would.

You don't end up broken in a corner.

Ready to give up.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Advocating Me: I Have to Be My Own Biggest Advocate

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How many times would you say you find yourself advocating for someone else?

You see a person in need.

You hear that somebody's hurt.

Someone's been wronged.

And your gut reaction?

Is to go to bat for them.

That's how I am.

I Hate to See Someone Suffering

I hate to see someone suffering.

Or in pain.

Or living through an injustice.

If I could help in any way, shape, or form?

I'm going to.

That's just my nature.

I don't really know anything else.

And for the most part?

I think that's a great quality of mine.

I think it says something about my values.

That I'm always willing to help the downtrodden.

The ones with no voice.

I Speak When They Can't

My job is working in a field where oftentimes children have no voice.

They don't know how to say what they need.

What they want.

How to communicate in any way other than tantruming.

Hitting.

Yelling.

Without verbal words coming out.

So I advocate for them.

I help them speak when they can't speak for themselves.

I'm good at that.

I'm good at making sure the kids have someone they can trust.

They Deserve to Learn and Grow

My kiddos at school?

There are different classrooms where things aren't exactly the tightest.

It's a little wild.

And what do I do?

I advocate for them.

They deserve to be in a space where they can learn.

Where they can grow.

Without all the distractions.

I speak up for them.

Even when they don't recognize that they need a voice.

And where is this going?

I advocate for everyone but myself.

Somewhere Along the Line, I Forgot I Count Too

It's like somewhere along the line?

I forgot that advocating is something I have to do for me as well.

I can't expect others to advocate for me on my behalf.

So today?

I did just that.

I took the time to do what I needed to do for me.

Surprise. You Can Start Today.

I'm in the process of starting my second job.

We're working through all the ins and outs.

And part of that was that I didn't have a schedule built up for this week.

So when I checked this morning?

There was nothing scheduled for me.

There were rumors like:

You should go in.

But I was of the mindset that if I'm not on the schedule?

I probably shouldn't do it.

I don't work for free.

That was my stance.

Then this afternoon?

I checked my email.

And realized my job had sent me an email saying:

Surprise.

You can start with your client today at four.

I'm sorry.

What?

My Schedule Was Clear All Morning

My schedule was clear all morning.

I checked it multiple times.

What do you mean sometime today at 12:30?

You sent me an email with the expectation that I'd be at work at four?

Well, that's your availability.

Yes.

Absolutely.

My availability is from four to eight.

However?

Even with that being the case?

At the very least?

I deserve a heads up.

If you want me to come in three and a half hours after you're communicating with me?

The very least you could do is pick up the phone.

Usually I Would Rearrange My Whole Life

Usually?

What I would do?

Is rearrange my whole life to make this happen.

My gosh.

I'm supposed to be there.

I have to panic.

I didn't eat lunch.

So now I'm not gonna eat dinner.

How am I gonna make this all work?

But today?

I said no.

I'm not doing that.

I deserve the right to have someone give me a heads up.

I deserve the right for someone to communicate with me.

And let me know what's going on.

Without stressing myself out.

I Shouldn't Have to State That

And I felt like that was something I shouldn't have to state to someone.

And yet?

It was.

And then even talking to my husband today?

My kiddos and him are having issues with this whole food thing.

They go back and forth.

I don't know what I want to eat.

Well, I don't know what to eat.

And so they just clash.

Over and over again.

And I said:

You guys are coming to me after the fight has already happened.

Versus coming to me before it even begins.

If You're Sorry, Come to Me Before the Problem Happens

You want me to help you.

But you don't allow me to step in before it gets that bad.

Well, I know it stresses you out.

I'm sorry about that.

No.

If you're sorry about it?

Come to me before the problem happens.

What do you mean by that?

Okay.

We noticed food has become an issue.

Hey.

What can you do to make it less of an issue?

I could probably figure that out.

Schedules aren't going the way they're supposed to.

Great.

Let's communicate together.

So we can all hold each other accountable.

I Can't Help If You Don't Communicate With Me

I have a lot going on over here.

I love to help with what's going on over there.

I cannot do that unless you're gonna communicate with me.

Did I say that?

Did I communicate my own need?

Sure did.

And then?

It was the mail.

Well, this is happening.

And this is happening.

How long have you known this?

Well, we've had the mail here.

I just haven't opened it.

That's not gonna work.

And I need you to mail me my mail.

So I know what's going on.

I Have to Stop Maneuvering for Everybody Else

It's not me sitting there unexpectedly trying to figure out how to maneuver life.

It's me saying:

You know what?

At some point?

I have to stop being able to maneuver for everybody else.

And make moves for myself.

I have to be my own advocate.

I have to be my biggest advocate.

I have to be able to say:

No.

That's unacceptable.

I'm not allowing you to do that.

That Didn't Feel Like Love

I have to be able to say:

That didn't feel like love.

You say that you love me.

But the actions that you've portrayed to me?

Don't speak on that.

I have to advocate for me.

To say:

I deserve better than what you're giving me.

And that's hard to do.

Especially in relationships.

Especially when the word love is thrown around.

Going Above and Beyond Shouldn't Erase You

We're taught that when you love someone?

You go above and beyond.

And usually going above and beyond?

Erases part of you.

That's not what love is supposed to look like.

Lately?

This weekend especially?

I've been sitting in that.

I've been sitting in the fact that people have told me they love me.

That they care about me.

All things that are probably true to some extent.

But then?

Their actions behind those words don't match.

People Please. People Please. People Please.

Usually what happens?

The minute they come back with any attention for me?

I'm excited.

Happy.

My gosh.

People please.

People please.

People please.

Because they're back.

I'm happy they're back.

But love doesn't look like punishing me by not talking to me.

No.

I don't expect you to be available at all times.

That's unreasonable.

I do expect you to follow through with what you're gonna say.

At the very least.

You Communicate

And if for some reason?

You're unable to carry out the commitment of what you said you're going to do?

At the very least?

You say:

Hey.

I'm sorry.

I wasn't able to do this.

This is why.

You communicate.

What you don't do?

Is pretend like it never happened.

What you don't do?

Is leave me sitting inside my head.

Wondering what I did wrong.

Because you switched up.

No. We're Not Doing That Anymore.

So you have to advocate for yourself.

You have to be strong enough to say:

No.

We're not doing that anymore.

No.

That's not acceptable to me.

I deserve better than that.

And that happens in so many other areas of my life.

Advocating for Me Also Means Telling Myself No

This weekend?

I was feeling really downtrodden.

Lonely.

Sad.

And my first reaction?

Was to reach out to somebody I probably shouldn't reach out to.

And I said:

No.

We're not gonna do that.

Because advocating for me also looks like telling myself no when I need to.

Yeah.

That's not gonna be helpful.

That's not gonna make you feel better.

That's not gonna put you in a better headspace.

Advocating for Me Doesn't Always Mean Being Loud

I'm learning that advocating for me doesn't always mean being loud.

It just means speaking up.

Period.

I don't have to be rude.

I don't have to yell.

I don't have to be stronger.

I just have to say:

No.

That doesn't work for me.

And I have the right to say:

No.

That doesn't work for me.

So today?

That is what I am practicing.

Advocating for myself.

Sorry. Short Notice. I'm Not Coming In.

I told my job:

Sorry.

Short notice.

Wasn't on the schedule.

I'm not coming in.

I got some pushback.

Well, didn't we talk about this yesterday?

It was discussed yesterday.

Still wasn't on the schedule today when I checked.

And if the idea is because you said:

Hey, come in.

But no one changed the schedule to show I was coming in?

And I don't get paid unless I see it on the schedule and change it over?

Guess what?

I'm not doing that.

Sorry.

These Are My Parameters

And if I have to say:

Hey.

If you want me to help?

These are my parameters for how I can help.

And if you can't let me be inside those parameters?

I don't know how to help.

I'd love to be more a part of the family back home.

There's only so much I can do with a two-hour time difference.

Order groceries?

I got you.

I know what everybody likes to eat.

Let me know what you need.

I'll get that done for you.

Let Me Take That Burden Off You

Something small.

Something so simple.

My husband says:

Well, I can do grocery shopping by myself.

And you can.

I trust you that you can.

I also know our kid.

And our kid says:

Mmm.

That doesn't work for me.

Great.

Let me take that burden off you.

He has to learn to advocate for himself.

He has to be able to say:

Yeah.

This isn't working.

I can't do this in the way we're currently doing it.

We're Taught Not to Speak Up

We're taught not to speak up when we need something.

Or when we want something.

Because heaven forbid?

We should go after the things we need.

To make our lives better.

Simpler.

Kinder.

So I hope you're out there advocating for yourself.

Because it's necessary.

And you deserve it.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

Speaking up when I didn't want to.

I'm so used to quieting my own voice.

Because I'm afraid to make ripples.

Afraid to make people mad.

And today?

I said:

They get to be mad.

Because I'm taking care of me.

It was hard.

I was scared.

And the pushback I got?

Made me even more nervous.

But it was important for me to do.

I hope wherever you are?

You're advocating for yourself.

That you're deciding your needs and wants?

Are just as important as everybody else's needs and wants.

That you're able to say:

No.

I deserve that.

Hey.

I'm gonna fight for myself.

On my behalf.

Because it's necessary.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Broke(n) Me: I'm Not Broken. I'm Just Broke.

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Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever considered how one word seems to have multiple meanings?

In the simplest of ways.

Broke.

As in the past tense of breaking something.

Broke.

As in you don't have any money.

Broke.

As in a relationship ended.

That's been on my mind today.

Broke versus broke.

Or broken.

We’re Broke

I was speaking with my husband today.

We were talking about the possibility of me going to a football game with him.

Or me traveling back home.

And we were talking about how those aren't really possible.

Because we're broke.

And he's not wrong.

We don't have a plethora of money.

But the statement hit me in a way different than it was supposed to.

The statement was meant to say:

We don't have the money to do so.

But it came out as:

We don't work to make that happen.

And then I took that to mean that I wasn't doing something to make that happen.

I was broke.

And therefore?

If I'm broke?

Then logically speaking?

The relationship would be broke.

And everything else I touch in it.

I Never Like It When My Brain Tells Me I'm Broken

I took that information.

Sat with it.

And I didn't like it.

I never like it when my brain is telling me that I'm broken.

That I don't work.

That I'm not fixable.

So I decided to put that energy into something positive.

I looked up my insurance.

And I started looking for therapists to see while I'm out here.

What If There’s Something Really Wrong With Me?

But that just made me feel like there was a boulder sitting on my chest.

Because now I have to acknowledge again?

To someone new?

That there's something wrong with me.

Something that possibly can't be fixed.

Changed.

Helped.

So I decided maybe the best way to handle that this time around?

Is to do an evaluation.

A formal evaluation.

To see what's going on.

How everything processes.

How everything works together.

And that scares me.

Because what if it comes back with a lot of things I'm not ready for?

What if it tells me I'm so far broken?

There's nothing anyone can do for me?

Sometimes Things Just Don't Work

And I think that's why several of us avoid reaching out for help.

No one can fix it.

You can't make my mind like me.

You can't make my mind think positive things.

No matter how much you want me to.

You can't make my mind process that not everything is broken.

Sometimes things just don't work.

That doesn't mean I'm broken.

It means I'm human.

My Brain Fights Itself

My brain doesn't care that I'm human.

My brain fights itself.

My brain fights itself.

Then it forces me to fight other people.

Not physically.

But I challenge lots of things.

I challenge the way people think about me.

The way they feel about me.

And I constantly put them in this position where they have to prove it.

Then?

I get upset when they don't prove it the way I need them to.

This weekend has been a lot of that.

Realizing people aren't going to give me things the way I want them.

And that's not a problem.

That is literally how the world works.

The world doesn't revolve around me.

I know that.

I don't even hope that it does.

That sounds like a lot of pressure.

But I still feel inevitably broken.

My Mind Builds the Case

I didn't hear from somebody for most of this weekend.

And I felt like that made me less than.

I'm not important.

Then I messaged my husband earlier today.

He didn't get back to me.

I waited for two hours.

I checked the alarms.

Because usually if I check in the alarm?

Where the timer is set?

Then at least I know he's sleeping.

That's why he's not answering me.

But this time?

There was no indication.

So I instantly thought:

He's ignoring me.

If he's ignoring me?

It's because he doesn't want anything to do with me.

And if he doesn't want anything to do with me?

Well?

He doesn't want me.

So my mind has been building up logical reasons why that makes sense.

All the Bad Things Are Piling Up

I've told myself this week that I'm a bad friend.

That I'm a bad wife.

That I'm bad at my job.

That I'm a bad sister.

Bad daughter.

All the bad things are piling up.

And I know I need to stop it.

I know I need to curb those thoughts.

I know it.

I know it's problematic.

I know it's not helping me.

And yet?

They're still there.

Taunting me.

They just keep telling me:

I'm not necessary.

I'm overrated.

I'm not good enough.

I Like Things to Have an Answer

I don't even know why it happens.

And I think that's the most frustrating part.

Because I'm a very logical thinker.

Always have been.

Math is my favorite subject.

I like things to have an answer.

And logically?

If I knew what was wrong?

If I knew what was causing the problem?

I could fix it.

I don't know how to fix my brain.

I don't know how to fix me in the way that I act in relationships.

Someone Else Being Important Doesn't Mean I Stop Existing

I don't know how to separate that someone else being important to someone?

Doesn't mean that I no longer exist.

And I wish I could say that was in a jealousy kind of way.

But it's never been in a jealousy kind of way.

It's always been in a less-than kind of way.

I can reason why they would want somebody else.

What?

My husband wants to talk to another girl?

That makes sense.

No one's ever gonna be like me.

They're always gonna be better.

He's always gonna upgrade.

My kids will always have a better parent.

My friends will find somebody who actually listens to them.

Cares about them the way they're supposed to.

They won't have to chase me down.

And often enough?

I make my friends feel that way.

I Shut Down and Shut People Out

It's not my intention.

I just shut down.

And shut people out.

It's not helpful.

It doesn't accomplish anything.

As a matter of fact?

I end up feeling a lot worse when I do it.

But it hasn't stopped me from doing it.

Mental health is knowing something's not good for you.

And not being able to stop it.

You know the fire is gonna be hot.

And yet you've convinced yourself that touching it makes it better.

I Just Feel Like I'm Falling to Pieces

My mind has convinced me of so many things in the last 72 hours.

I don't even know what I'm supposed to do with it anymore.

So while my husband was saying we're broke?

With no money?

I just feel like I'm broken.

I just feel like I'm falling to pieces.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

I can't stop the madness.

I can't fix the madness.

I can't glue the pieces back together.

I can't make a pretty picture with them.

I can't even make them into something new.

I can't be recycled.

It's just trash.

Except?

I'm not trash.

I know that I'm not trash.

You Can Feel Worthless and Know It Isn't True

I wish I could explain to people that you can feel like you're not worth anything?

While also recognizing there may be no truth in that.

I know to somebody?

I'm important.

To somebody?

I am loved.

I am wanted.

I know that.

And it may not be the person I always think it is.

Or the way I think it should be.

And I don't do anything in spite.

Or to hurt them.

I don't say these things to hurt them.

At the end of the day?

It just feels like I don't.

The World Feels Heavy

The world feels heavy.

It feels like the globe is sitting on my chest.

And I am suffocating.

And I don't know how to just move the globe.

Because in my mind?

It's just supposed to be there.

So why would you move something that's supposed to be there?

My brain says:

Hey.

This is how we developed.

And the doctor's response to that is:

Well, hey.

Here's medication to balance it out.

But what if I'm supposed to be that way?

What if who I am is who I'm supposed to be?

And you are changing me into something I'm not?

I Take the Meds and Still Have Days Like This

Because it's not working.

I mean?

I take the meds.

And I still have days where I just want to disappear.

Ball up.

Cry.

Where I just feel like everything is wrong with me.

I'm taking it regularly.

I'm doing what I'm supposed to.

Outside of going to therapy.

I recognize it's gonna be said:

Well, that's why you're in DBT.

That's why you have your skills.

Use your skills.

Yeah.

I could use my skills.

Yeah.

I can go to therapy.

I just don't know how much that actually changes things.

I'd Rather Know Than Not Know

Theoretically speaking?

It would.

It would work.

It would do something.

So I have resigned myself to finding somebody.

And I'm looking into being tested.

To see if my diagnoses are still my diagnoses.

And while that is scary for me?

And it will always be scary for me?

I'm still going to do it.

Because I guess?

I'd rather know than not know.

I'd rather know what's wrong with me.

And that's how I take it.

What's wrong with me?

It Wasn't a Bad Day Though

It wasn't a bad day though.

I got up.

Went to work.

The kiddo was really fun.

Cute.

All the cuddles.

I am supposed to start this week, I think.

But I'm still not sure.

So I don't really know what my schedule is this week.

But I'm excited.

Because I get to do something new.

With someone new.

And I have started a new project in the background that nobody knows about.

But I'm excited about.

I Yelled at the Throwy Throwy Guy

I had a good day.

Oddly enough.

I got up.

Took care of the thing I needed to take care of.

Came home.

Watched the football game on my own accord.

And I actually enjoyed watching it.

Except for when they were making mistakes.

Because I'm a perfectionist.

And how dare you take so long to throw the ball?

So I may have yelled at the throwy throwy guy a little bit.

And the catchy catchy guy.

Because the catchy catchy guy was not catchy catchy today.

And it was really annoying me.

But the striped guys?

Did really well with making calls.

For the most part.

So, I mean?

That was a win.

Today My Wins Were Really Simple

I'm still dressed enough to go out tonight.

And I might just do that.

Which is odd.

Because I almost never leave my house after I'm inside.

But today?

I'm feeling adventurous.

Like going out maybe isn't such a bad thing.

I even picked up my food today instead of having it DoorDashed.

Big one on my part.

Because I've been spending a lot of money on DoorDash.

Today my wins were really simple.

Because that was all I could manage.

And then?

I let myself be sad.

And did something positive about it.

I said:

It's time to find a doctor.

It's time we look back into that.

Because something's not working.

I Might Get Real Crazy and Do Laundry

So that's a wrap.

I might get real crazy tonight.

And do my laundry.

Even though it's Sunday.

I know.

Whoa.

The goal is to do the things that are hard for me to do when I'm in this mood.

Or in this headspace.

It's to keep pushing on.

Even when I don't feel like I should.

Or that I can.

And today?

Very much so?

I don't feel that I can.

Right Now I Can't Hear You

And the people I would typically reach out to?

I don't want to reach out to.

They're gonna try to make me feel better.

And it's not that I don't want to feel better.

It's fundamentally right now?

I feel like they would be wrong.

I feel like they would be lying to me.

And it's hard to explain to someone who's never been in that headspace how that works.

Because the concept is:

I go to you.

You tell me all the things I need to hear.

And I'm supposed to feel better.

In reality?

Yeah.

That makes sense.

However?

If my headspace is telling me all the things I believe?

And they're in contrast to what you're telling me?

I just feel like you're lying.

And that's not on you.

I wish that it could penetrate into my head what you're saying.

I just?

Right now?

I can't hear you.

Everything else is just really loud.

And I can't hear you.

Sometimes It Looks Like Feeling Broken Even When You're Not

So when I'm able to get them to quiet down a bit?

I'll talk to you about it.

I'll reach out.

I'll explain that I'm just having a really rough time.

And my thoughts are getting the best of me.

Sometimes that's what it looks like.

Sometimes?

It looks like feeling broken.

Even when you're not.

So while I'm not broken?

And I'm just broke?

Today?

That's how I feel.

Broken.

That's not what he told me.

But that's what I heard.

And I live another day to fight that battle.

I Don't Hide It in My Journal

Tomorrow?

I'll get up.

Hope I feel better.

Go to work.

And the people who see me?

Won't even know that I have all these feelings going on.

I'm really great at hiding it.

I don't hide it in my journal.

I shouldn't have to.

So I don't.

My journal is for me to get all of it out to the best of my ability.

And I feel like I do that.

I come here.

Word vomit all over you guys.

And you listen sometimes.

Sometimes you don't.

Either way?

I know it's important that I do it.

That I show up.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

My wins were simple.

I got up.

I went to work.

I spent time with a kiddo who was fun and cute.

I watched the football game.

I picked up my food instead of having it DoorDashed.

I let myself be sad.

And I did something positive with it.

I looked for a doctor.

I looked into therapy.

I started looking into being tested again.

Because something isn't working.

And even though I don't feel like I can keep pushing?

I'm trying.

That's the goal.

To do the things that are hard for me to do when I'm in this mood.

To keep pushing even when I don't feel like I should.

Or that I can.

I showed up here.

And I hope you keep showing up for you.

Even when you feel broken.

I hope you remember that you are worth fighting for.

And trust and believe me?

I know that's not what it feels like at this moment.

Very many people convince me that I am worth fighting for.

We just keep trying until something changes.

So if you're feeling like today is just not working?

Today's broken.

You're broken.

The world's broken.

It's sitting on your chest.

And you don't know how to move it?

You're not alone.

And I recognize that it doesn't always help to know that somebody's there with you.

Because generally speaking?

When we feel like this?

We don't want anybody else to feel this way.

Our gut reaction is to try to make them feel better.

It's okay to just understand.

It's okay to just walk through it with them.

Sometimes we don't need words.

We just need to know someone's physically there.

And I think today?

That's where I'm at.

I don't need words.

I just need somebody physically there.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Pleasantly Surprised Me: What If I Am More Than Enough?

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever expected one thing?

And had it turn out another way?

I'm not even talking about with a project.

I'm talking about relationships with people.

I feel like for the 43 years I've existed?

That's been the story of my life.

I've expected one thing from relationships.

And I've gotten a complete surprise from them.

I Was Prepared to Do It by Myself

Today I was supposed to go pick up my car.

We've talked about that in a couple of podcasts.

I needed to go get a new car.

I was excited about it.

But I also remembered that I didn't have anybody to go with me.

Nobody to take me.

So I was gonna have to Uber.

Because my circle here in California?

Is smaller than I thought it was.

And I was prepared to do that.

Spend the money.

Go take care of what I needed to do.

Because I'm a big girl.

I can handle things myself.

Unless You Want to Take Me

This morning?

I woke up.

Started getting ready.

Getting dressed.

Getting ready to go.

And I got a text message from my sister asking me what I was doing today.

I was very surprised.

I hadn't heard from her since Sunday.

The whole thing went down.

And I said:

Hey.

This is my plan.

I gotta go get this car from San Jose.

Time to get it?

10 a.m.

"How are you getting there?"

Uber.

Unless you want to take me.

"I'll take you."

I'm sorry.

What?

Come again?

"Yeah. Mom and Dad were gonna go out that way anyway."

"Does it have to be 10?"

Unfortunately?

Yeah.

"It's fine. I can hang out with Mom another day. I'll take you."

Thank you.

I Didn't Expect Someone to Want to Include Me in Their Day

So yeah.

My sister picked me up.

Drove me to San Jose.

I treated her to lunch.

We sat there.

Had a really good conversation.

It was nice just to hang out with my sister.

I invited her to do things afterwards.

She wanted to get back home.

And that's fine.

I understood that.

But I didn't expect her to reach out to me.

I didn't expect someone to want to include me in their day.

The last couple of days?

I've been feeling like the people I want involved in my life don't really want me there.

So it was nice.

It was a nice change of pace.

To have the opposite happen.

I Hung Out With My Sister Today

We went and had lunch.

Red Robin.

Had a great time.

Then I came home.

And decided:

You know what?

It feels like an icy kind of day.

I'm gonna go treat myself.

And I did.

Then I climbed into bed to kind of relax.

I was in a headspace.

Not a bad headspace.

I just knew where it was going could be dangerous for me.

So I laid down.

Watched a movie until I fell asleep.

Then I woke up as if I had watched the whole movie.

I hadn't.

Put on another movie.

And as I laid there?

Thinking about how much I enjoyed my time with my sister?

There was this nagging, picking thing that kept at me.

My Brain Says, This Doesn't Seem Right. Let's Look for Something.

It's weird.

Because overall?

Today was a really good day.

I'm actually happy.

And I think sometimes when my brain and my body say:

I'm happy.

My brain says:

Doesn't seem right.

Let's look for something.

And my brain?

Is always good at finding something.

When it doesn't need to.

I've Been Wanting to Get to Know Her

I got to hang out with my sister today.

And I've been wanting to do that.

I've been wanting to get to know her.

For her to get to know me.

For us to have a relationship.

Then?

It reminded me of the person who says they want a relationship with me.

That they love me.

That they care.

Who has all but disappeared the last couple of days.

No word.

No nothing.

Feels like I'm being punished or something.

I don't know what I did.

I Didn't Do Anything Wrong. I Just Existed.

Things like that feel like such a huge hit to me.

Because I don't know how to make it right.

I don't know if I should be chasing it to make it right.

Because I didn't do anything wrong.

I know I didn't do anything wrong.

I just existed.

And I'm having to grapple with the fact that I don't need to chase everyone down.

Apologize for things I didn't do.

Just to keep them in my life.

But at the same time?

I want people in my life.

I Know What I Used to Do When I Needed to Feel Wanted

As I laid there today?

Thinking about how I was feeling?

I got into the thoughts of old habits.

Previously?

When I needed to feel wanted?

I'd just reach out to someone of the opposite sex.

Flirt.

Talk.

Do something to make myself feel wanted.

And I didn't want to do that today.

I said:

No.

Yes.

That's what you're used to.

Yes.

That's how it usually works.

That's probably not a good idea.

And so?

I didn't.

I'm Married. I'm Married. I'm Married.

It's usually at this time that I cross lines with people I shouldn't cross lines with.

I tried to avoid that today.

I'm married.

I'm married.

I'm married.

And I kept saying that today.

Not for anyone else's sake.

But my own.

Not because I was gonna do something inherently bad.

But it's just?

If I'm feeling like this in my marriage?

Then stepping out of my marriage isn't the answer.

Looking Outside My Marriage Isn't the Answer

Looking for comfort?

Looking for someone to make me feel wanted?

Isn't something I should be looking for outside of my marriage.

And if I am?

That says more about me and my marriage than anything.

Either I need to fix it.

Or get out of it.

And yes.

I understand that concept.

Yes.

I agree with that concept.

But I don't make moves like that.

Making moves like that?

Is hard.

Making moves like that means still being by myself.

Either way I slice it.

And I'd rather have something that's not really mine?

Than nothing at all.

I've Always Been Able to Get Attention One Way

I mean?

I could call him if I wanted to.

I haven't heard from my husband all day today.

Couldn't tell you what he was doing.

That's just the nature of our relationship.

And I'm learning that I'm a person who clings to male attention.

Because it's easy to get attention in one way.

I've always been able to get attention in that one way.

But to get attention for who I am?

Who I truly am?

Not just the fact that I have female anatomy and you can do certain things with it?

That's different.

Eventually I'm Still Left With Me

Today I'm kicking my butt.

Because my first reaction is:

Get that attention.

Know that you can.

They'll want you.

Even for however long that lasts.

But then?

I'm still just left with me.

Remembering that's all they wanted.

So?

I don't know.

Today is a mixed bag.

For the Win, My Sister Showed Up

It's hard acknowledging that the people I want most?

Seem to be uninterested.

The people I need to reach for the most?

Aren't really there.

But?

For the win?

My sister showed up.

I was not expecting that.

And I'm still comprehending how that worked out today.

And what it means.

Because for me?

Everything means something.

It's not because I want it to.

That's just my brain.

Something happens?

I have to analyze what it means.

How it works.

How it's supposed to work.

How it's supposed to go forward.

I just like to be prepared.

And today?

I was not prepared for that.

I Wasn't Prepared for My Sister to Want to Spend Time With Me

I wasn't prepared for my sister to want to spend time with me.

It felt good.

I really enjoyed it.

And I really hope we get to hang out again soon.

And I hope I find the strength to be there for myself?

When I'm unwanted.

When I'm unloved.

Because just because I'm not desired by a man?

Isn't the same thing as being unwanted or unloved.

When Did I Decide Those Things Were the Same?

I'm not sure where I decided those two things were the same.

Or that my value was found in that.

I'm not sure when I gave that power to someone else.

To say:

That's how my life should be.

It isn't.

I'm fully capable of being by myself.

Being on my own.

I can do that.

I've never really tried.

But I think I can make it.

So?

Here's to me doing something different in my story.

Maybe She Doesn't Get the Guy

For years?

It's always been that the girl has to get the guy.

And in this version of my story?

Maybe she doesn't get a guy.

Maybe she just finds herself.

Maybe she never really needed a guy.

She just needed herself.

And that's a weird twist in my story.

Because I never thought that.

I Always Thought I Was Supposed to Have a Husband

I've always thought I was supposed to have a husband.

I grew up thinking that being a wife and a mother was a big deal.

And to me?

They are.

They're still a big deal.

But I'm coming to realize that maybe not quite in the way I thought they were.

They didn't define my life.

Or who I am.

They were supposed to be a part of my life.

And who I am.

I Feel Like I Drastically Failed at Something

And it's hard.

Because for me?

I feel like I drastically failed at something.

I felt like it was just another thing I couldn't do right.

Something I couldn't accomplish.

I can't get people to love me for who I am.

Therefore?

There must be something fundamentally wrong with who I am.

But what if it's not me?

What If the Surprise Is That I Am More Than Enough?

What if I've convinced myself all this time that it was me?

And it's not me?

What if the surprise?

Is that I am more than enough?

I'm just choosing the wrong people.

And that's hard.

Especially when you choose people who you thought were in your corner.

Who were your rock.

And they turn out not to be.

Can I Trust Myself to Do Anything Else?

I used to—

I still do.

Beat myself up constantly.

Because if I could make a decision like choosing my husband?

Or choosing someone to love who doesn't love me back?

If I could make those choices?

And make such monumental failures?

Can I really trust myself to do anything else?

I mean?

How do you get something like that wrong?

And then convince yourself that you can do better?

It's hard.

My Brain Decided a Good Day Had to Be Complicated

So today?

I'm working through all of that.

Because having a good day wasn't enough.

My brain decided it had to be complicated.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I hung out with my little sister.

We talked.

We laughed.

I learned that we actually have things in common.

And that was kind of fun.

We joked.

We were joking about the possibility of being roommates.

I'm not sure how that would work.

But it's something I'm willing to explore.

Maybe it's what I need.

Maybe the answer has been family.

But not in the way that I think it is.

And that's okay.

Maybe I'm not meant to be a mom.

Maybe I wasn't meant to have my own kids.

Maybe I don't get to be someone's soulmate.

The love of their life.

Their person.

And does that make me less of a person?

That has been a hard lesson to learn.

If you've had revelations this weekend?

Join the club.

If you're learning that the people you expected to be there?

Weren't the ones you could count on?

Sorry.

But I understand that.

If you're learning there are people showing up who you never expected to show up?

Congratulations.

You deserve it.

If you're learning this weekend that some of the things you held onto so tightly?

Things you believed?

Now seem to be unraveling?

That's okay too.

It happens to the best of us.

And we talk about it.

We work through it.

We come out on the other side.

Because while I may not have a Prince Charming in my story?

I have a happy ending.

I'm writing it that way.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Unmotivated Me: Sometimes the Page Is Soaked With Tears and Snot

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever had a day where seemingly it was fine?

But at the end?

You just felt bad?

Nothing went wrong.

It was a good day.

It's just somehow your emotions caught up to you.

And it was just daunting.

Something Was Just Off

Today?

I don't even know how to describe today.

I didn't have to go into my first job.

I woke up.

Took care of the stuff I needed to take care of.

Returned my rental car.

Stopped and got some lunch.

I was a little annoyed.

But happy overall.

It was a fine day.

Had an Uber pick me up.

Dropped me off at home.

And from the moment I hit my bedroom?

Something was just off.

I don't know how to describe it other than it just being off.

Because again?

Nothing had happened.

I Had No Social Battery

All of a sudden?

I had no social battery.

I didn't want to talk to anybody.

Didn't want to interact with anybody.

The idea of having to people?

Seemed really overwhelming.

So I opted to lay down.

Watch TV.

Take a nap.

And I must've been really tired.

Because I instantly went to sleep.

I couldn't even remember what I put on the TV.

I just know my head hit the pillow.

And I was gone.

I Got Up Because I Had To

I had an alarm set because I had to work this evening.

When my alarm went off?

I got up.

Did the things I needed to do.

And yet?

I still felt off.

My husband called me.

He's been playing poker tonight.

He's excited.

And somehow?

I've convinced myself that I was his bad luck charm tonight.

Because you guessed it.

I just felt off.

I Can Always Tell by the Cereal

I know I need to eat dinner.

And I was trying to figure out what to eat.

I can always tell how bad the evening is based on my need for cereal.

Because nothing else sounds remotely good.

I keep trying to force myself into eating anything else.

Because I know what it means if all I want to do is sit in my room and eat cereal.

I'm Fighting a Fight I Think I'm the Only One Fighting

I think the last 24 hours have just been rough for me.

I'm fighting a fight that I think I'm the only one fighting.

You know?

Like when you feel like you're in an argument with a friend.

Or a fight with a friend.

But they don't even notice you're upset with them.

Which just makes you feel worse.

My Kansas friends all recognize that I'm trying.

And I appreciate them.

Because Lord knows?

Without them checking in on me?

I don't know how well I'd be doing.

But my California friends?

That's a different story.

I Thought People Would Want to Rekindle Things

I don't know exactly what I was expecting when I came back.

I sure wasn't expecting a parade.

Or a party.

But I thought there would be people who wanted to interact with me.

People who wanted to rekindle our relationships.

And I don't know if I'm catching them at the wrong time.

Or if they're really just not interested.

But I think it's all unfolding in my head differently than it should.

Getting My Car Somehow Reminded Me I Don't Have Anybody

Tomorrow I have to travel to San Jose to get my new car.

And I'm excited about that.

But in my excitement?

It occurred to me that I have to take an Uber to do that.

And that's not a big deal.

I'm not afraid to take an Uber.

I'm not afraid to go for the ride.

It's just?

For me?

It reminds me that I don't have anybody.

I thought about calling my sister.

But I didn't want to inconvenience her.

I thought about calling my brother.

But I didn't want to bother him.

My parents live too far away.

And that's kind of the extent of the people I could ask.

And I don't even feel like I could ask them.

Maybe I'm Not Unmotivated

I say that I'm unmotivated because I don't have the energy to do anything.

But really?

I just feel unnoticed.

I think I could pack up my stuff and move today.

And I don't know when people would recognize where I was.

I could pretend to have the same conversations.

Answer people in the same way.

And nobody would even know that I was gone.

And I don't mean gone in a hurt-myself kind of way.

I mean literally just not being here in California.

And that is not necessarily a bad thing.

It's just?

It's a lot.

It's a Lot When You Already Believe You Have Nothing to Offer

It's a lot when you already believe that you aren't worth anything.

That you have nothing to offer.

Nothing to give.

And in my conversation with my husband?

I can feel myself spiraling.

I don't know if he noticed.

It's not his responsibility to notice.

I could've spoken up.

I just didn't.

I just feel off.

I feel sad.

Tonight I Want to Hide in My Bed

I definitely want to hide in my bed tonight.

I've got stuff to do tomorrow.

So I can't afford to hide in my bed tomorrow.

I'm hoping I wake up renewed.

That I have the motivation I need to go into San Jose.

Get stuff done.

And I've told myself that while I'm out there getting my car?

I'm gonna make the most of it.

I'm gonna go do things out there I know I haven't done in a long time.

I'd like to go visit the library.

It sounds trivial to most.

But that library means a lot to me.

I'd like to go see my elementary school.

And the park next door to it.

I Don't Think I'm Ready to Visit Her Yet

I had thought about visiting the gravesite of my grandmother.

But I'm not sure that I'm ready to do that quite yet.

I've done it once before.

And it didn't go very well.

I don't know if my headspace is in the right place for me to handle that by myself.

I just know that tomorrow?

I should probably stay out of the house.

I know that if I let myself shut her in?

My thoughts are probably gonna get worse before they get better.

People Jump to Conclusions

I've been talking to a friend recently about mental health stuff.

And whenever I explain what's going on?

Her first thought is:

So do you mean you want to not exist anymore?

And I always have to remind her:

You're jumping to conclusions.

It's been a long time since I've wanted to take my own life.

A long time.

I haven't had those thoughts.

I acknowledge that I've had those thoughts more times in my life than ever should happen.

I acknowledge that there have been lots of times nobody noticed.

And even if I were in that headspace tonight?

Which I'm not.

Again?

Nobody would know.

Sometimes You Just Lay There and Hope It Passes

There wouldn't be anyone I would call.

I would simply lay in my bed.

And hope that it passes.

I think that's what people don't understand.

That's the part they don't see.

It's:

You feel selfish for wanting to do that.

You don't care about anybody else.

That's not true.

It's the innate feeling that nobody would notice.

And if they did?

They'd be better off.

Tonight My Goal Isn't to Make Things Worse

Tonight?

My goal isn't to hurt myself.

Or make things worse.

I really do just want to lay down.

Veg out.

Go to bed.

I don't have the energy to do anything else.

But I think part of that?

Is because I feel very lonely.

I can entertain myself in lots of ways.

I know there are people I can call.

Should I choose to do so.

But I feel like I shouldn't.

I won't.

Pride says I can't.

I'm Really Good at Handling It by Myself

So I will do like I'm really good at doing.

Handle it by myself.

And sometimes my handling it by myself means I don't have the energy to do a lot of things.

I actually went to record this two hours ago.

Obviously?

That did not happen.

Again.

Very unmotivated.

I knew I was going to do it.

I just?

I don't know.

Something feels off.

Something feels broken.

I feel broken.

And I don't know how to explain to people that I just feel broken.

And in those times when I feel broken?

I don't have the energy to believe or do anything else.

Yes, I'm Taking My Meds

Yes.

I've been taking my meds like I'm supposed to.

And I know that's gonna be the question that the people closest to me ask.

Well, are you taking your meds?

Are you doing what you're supposed to be doing?

Yep.

I am.

Which only makes it feel like an indication that it's not working.

Because even on my meds?

I have days like this.

Moments like this.

Times like this.

Where nothing makes sense.

I'm Seconds Away From Crying

I feel bad that this episode isn't as exciting and colorful as I'd like it to be.

I do wish this episode was much better than what it is.

I'm seconds away from crying.

And I think I'm doing a really good job.

I'll probably get off.

Curl up under my blanket.

Cuddle up with my stuffed animal.

And just fall apart.

But someone pointed out a long time ago that tacos fall apart.

And we still love them.

So maybe?

Just maybe?

I could fall apart tonight.

And still be loved too.

Maybe I Turn Off My Phone and Don't Burn Bridges

Maybe I turn off my phone.

And don't burn bridges.

Just because I'm already in a bad headspace.

And my heart hurts.

It's in these moments that I need to feel something.

And the ideas in my head to satiate those feelings become bigger.

Bolder.

It's not:

I don't want to live anymore.

It's:

If I went to the hospital?

Who would notice?

No one.

They'd ask me who they should call.

And I'd just be really sad that they don't have anyone to call.

I may as well be a Jane Doe.

And tonight?

I think that's how I'm feeling.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I actually did do things that I needed to do.

I did return my car.

Finally.

And I accomplished something.

Or started to accomplish something.

That I'm really looking forward to.

I'm nervous about it.

But proud of myself for doing it.

I recognized that I didn't have a social battery.

And instead of picking at people?

Forcing myself to interact?

I said no.

I took care of me.

And tonight?

I'm gonna do the same.

I'm going to put on a movie.

I'm gonna have my bowl of cereal.

Because that's better than eating nothing.

And I'm going to reset in the best way that I can.

Because some days?

I need that.

Some days are just really hard for me.

I don't know why.

I wish I could change it.

I wish I didn't go through the things that I went through.

The cycles that I did.

I wish I knew how to control them better.

But that's mental health, right?

We have good days.

Bad days.

Good moments.

Bad moments.

And today?

This afternoon?

This evening?

It's just been off.

And bad.

Nothing happened.

Nothing has to happen to cause these things.

I think that's the hardest part of mental health.

Everybody thinks it's because something had to happen.

Someone had to say something.

Someone had to do something.

Honestly?

I just exist.

And that is enough for my head to do what it does.

So if you are unmotivated?

If you're struggling?

If you just have these big feelings because big feelings exist?

Nothing else happened?

I understand that.

I'm going through that too.

And it's okay.

We can get through it together.

It doesn't last forever.

Today?

The page of our story is soaked with tears and snot.

It's been a hard day.

Tomorrow?

Tomorrow we get to write something different.

As long as we just remember:

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Doubtful Me: Your Track Record Says You've Got This

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever known yourself to have the ability to do something?

And still doubt yourself?

You know you have the skills.

It's not a question.

You know how to do it.

You've been doing it for years.

And yet?

You still doubt yourself.

I Know How to Do My Job

Today I had some training that involved a boss and a client.

And I'm a great RBT.

I know how to do my job.

I do it well.

I connect with clients.

I present the things I need to present.

I teach the things I need to know how to teach.

Works wonderfully.

And today?

During what they call an overlap for my training?

The supervisor was asking me questions.

And I just felt so dumb.

So dumb.

The Minute I Was Supposed to Think of the Term, Nothing

I could describe what to do.

I could show him how to do it.

Then the minute I was supposed to think of the term?

Nothing.

He kept trying to give me hints.

Asking leading questions.

And I felt like I had no business in my field.

Mind you?

This is for a part-time job.

Of a job I have a full-time job for.

That I've been doing for two years.

I know my stuff.

I know it so well.

I know what to do.

I know how to do it.

And yet?

I instantly felt like I was the dumbest person.

I Do This With Everything

Then I realized how often I do that.

Someone gets upset with me?

They don't love me.

They don't care.

I get something wrong?

I'm stupid.

I don't know how to do it.

I loved.

And I lost.

So I've never loved at all.

I don't know what love is.

I don't know how to love.

Everything I think that I know?

Instantly becomes something I tell myself I don't know.

No.

You got it wrong.

No.

That's not how it worked.

No.

That's not where it meets up.

And I do it so consistently.

One Thing Doesn't Cancel Out Everything I Know

I wish I would give myself a chance.

I wish I would tell myself:

No.

You not knowing in that particular moment?

Doesn't mean you don't know what you're talking about.

One thing doesn't cancel out all the knowledge that you have.

I'm smart.

I'm bright.

I'm quite articulate.

I'm here.

And yet every day I must ask my friend:

Am I doing good at my podcast?

Well, I only have 30 followers.

Well, only six people listen to me.

And he constantly reminds me:

You've been doing this since June.

And you have people who listen to you.

You've Showed Up Every Night

You've showed up every night faithfully.

To write your journal entry.

For somebody who may need to hear it.

Yes.

You're doing a good job.

Well, but everybody doesn't like it.

Well?

Everyone wasn't going to like it.

That doesn't mean you're doing horribly.

Well, maybe I should just give up.

But I don't want to give up.

I Want Things to Magically Be Perfect

I want things to magically be perfect.

I want it to always be perfect.

I want everyone to love it.

I want everybody to understand it.

I want everybody to feel loved.

I want everybody to feel heard.

And then it's:

I'm one person.

How do I do that?

How do I contribute to people feeling seen?

People feeling heard?

The answer is:

I keep showing up.

Watch Me

I don't have to be perfect in what I do.

Or how I say it.

I don't get on here pretending to be perfect.

And presenting myself that way.

I have doubts.

I have fears.

I have feelings.

Sometimes those doubts and fears and feelings?

They're overwhelming.

They tell me I can't do something I know I can do.

You can't start a podcast.

That's silly.

Watch me.

You won't keep up with it.

You'll quit days into it.

I'll prove you wrong.

I Am Probably My Biggest Hater

Every step of the way?

I am probably my biggest hater.

What do you think you're doing?

That's not gonna work.

Why not me?

Why can't I have the unwavering faith in myself that I put into so many other people?

You know what I mean?

Like that person who's let you down multiple times?

But you have that little bit of hope that it's gonna be different.

That friend who never shows up?

One day they're gonna be there.

And it's gonna be great.

One day that partner is going to love you the way you want them to love you.

That parent is gonna see you the way you want them to see you.

Your kids will respect you the way you want them to respect you.

You want those things.

You have hope in those things.

And yet?

The minute you need any of that for yourself?

All you have left is doubt.

Maybe I'm Not Good Enough for This

That's what I felt like today.

I'm sitting there.

Picking at my fingernails.

Distancing myself from the idea that maybe?

Maybe I'm not good for this job.

Maybe I'm not good enough for something I studied for.

Something I took a test for.

And passed.

I am certified at my job.

I took a test.

And passed it.

And still today?

I questioned what I knew.

I Question How I Love Too

I question how I love.

Well, if I loved correctly?

Then I wouldn't hurt when I love somebody.

If I loved correctly?

That love would heal the person that I love.

If I were able to do the things I want to be able to do?

The world would be a better place.

But because I'm so incapable?

That's why things are the way they are.

How many times have you told yourself something so negative?

And then stayed in that situation?

That Doesn't Instantly Make Me the Problem

I have convinced myself that sometimes I deserve the worst of the worst relationships.

Again?

Last Sunday I went out with my sister.

And I thought that I was a problem.

It wasn't that I was the problem.

It's that she just didn't like what I was saying.

And that's okay.

She's entitled to not like what I'm saying.

That doesn't instantly make me the problem.

I'm Not Going to Be Great at Everything

I'm not going to be great at everything.

And I hate that.

Because for me?

In order to be able to be great at something?

It has to just be great.

It has to be perfect.

There's no room for error.

And then the slight chance that there's an error?

I instantly doubt everything about it.

For me.

I Think Somebody Out There Is Gonna Hear It

I sit here in this chair.

And write in my journal every night.

Thinking somebody out there is gonna hear it.

And it's gonna change their life.

Not because what I say is so meaningful and powerful.

But because they're gonna say:

That's what I feel.

That's what I hear.

How does she know?

And I know because?

I'm in that same place.

And yet?

I will still convince myself at the end of the night that I've done no good.

I Can Never Do Enough Because It's Not Perfect

As much as I bare myself out there for people.

As much as I tell my truth.

My thoughts.

My feelings.

I still tell myself it wasn't enough.

I can never do enough.

Because it's not perfect.

I can't say the perfect thing to take someone's pain away.

I can't make them stop crying when I want to.

I can't make the world stop hurting.

I can't help all the children in the system.

I can't get all the people off the street.

I can't stop all the wars.

All the fighting.

And so because I can't do those things?

I'm inept.

And if I'm inept at doing those things?

Then what else can I fail at?

Hearing It Out Loud Sounds Different

That's my mindset.

And it's so depressing hearing it out loud.

But I think that's kind of what we need to do.

That is the whole intent of my journal.

We oftentimes have these beliefs.

We let them build up inside of us.

But it's not until we say them out loud that we realize:

Ooh.

That doesn't sound right.

As I sit here and talk to you?

And talk about the things that I doubt about myself?

I can hear it.

All I Had to Do Was Push Play

I told myself I couldn't do a podcast.

All I had to do was push play.

I told myself I couldn't move to California.

Then drove 26 hours by myself.

I told myself I wouldn't find housing.

I've got housing.

I told myself I wouldn't be able to get a car.

I've got a car.

All the things I keep telling myself I can't do?

The things that I fundamentally believe I cannot do?

I keep proving myself wrong.

And yet my response?

Is to still doubt myself.

My Record Stands

At what point in time do I look at the chart of things I've done well?

And say:

My record stands.

And shows I don't have a reason to doubt me.

I will figure it out.

I will make a way.

And yet?

It's so much easier to go into it feeling doubtful.

Like it's not gonna work.

Because for me?

I can't be disappointed if I already expect failure.

You Can't Let Me Down if I Don't Expect Anything

You can't let me down if I don't expect anything from it.

I can't make myself any more upset.

Any more hurt.

Any more sad.

If I didn't expect me to be able to accomplish it to begin with.

But then?

Because I don't expect myself to accomplish it?

How much of my heart am I putting into it?

Well?

It's not gonna work anyway.

So I may as well just kind of half-ass it.

I don't wanna half-ass my life.

I Don't Want to Accept Defeat I Haven't Even Received

I don't want to get to a point where I'm so comfortable accepting defeat?

Defeat I haven't actually received.

Or earned.

That I don't do anything to change it.

I want to be able to be an example.

Not necessarily to others.

But to myself.

It's so easy for people to get on this pedestal.

And preach to people.

You should do this.

You should do that.

That's why it's great.

This is how it works.

Rarely do you find people who actually put themselves in that position.

I'll Go to School With You

I stand firmly on:

I don't tell people to do something I wouldn't do myself.

I told my kid to go back to college.

Okay.

I'll go to school with you.

Hey.

You wanna start eating healthy?

Me too.

Let me start drinking water.

I don't like it.

But I will.

If it's good enough for me to give advice to others?

Then I should be able to walk that walk myself.

What Are You Doing Differently Now?

I don't understand why we think every lived experience should be somebody else's excuse to do something.

But we won't change our own.

Well, back in my day when I did this.

Great.

We don't live in your day.

But even back in your day?

You made mistakes.

Because you lived your life.

Because you doubted yourself.

What are you doing differently now?

You Sound Like You Know Exactly What You're Doing

Today?

I showed up.

And I still answered the questions to the best of my ability.

Even as I doubted myself?

I gave answers that said:

No.

I know what I'm doing.

And in the end?

They acknowledged:

No.

You sound really knowledgeable.

You sound like you know exactly what you're doing.

Well then why do I feel so dumb?

No.

You're doing great.

At What Point Do I Pat Myself on the Back?

At what point in time do we stop needing someone to pat us on the back?

And pat ourselves on the back?

You know what you know.

No one could change that.

Ever.

We have to give ourselves as much belief to accomplish our goals?

And the things that we want?

As we put into anybody else.

And I recognize as I sit here and say that?

It's really hard to do.

Hey. You Got This.

I tell my kids all the time:

You can do that.

That's easy work.

And you know how easy it is?

I'm gonna do it with you.

But when it comes down to giving myself my own advice?

And sticking with it?

Hey.

You got this.

You can do this.

You've been doing this for two years.

What do you mean you don't know what you're doing?

You've been hired for several jobs because you're so good at what you're doing.

You got this.

We have this.

When We Don't Understand, There Are Resources

We have the ability to do the thing that we want to do.

And you know why we have that ability?

Because when we don't understand it?

There are so many resources for us to learn how to do it.

To figure it out.

To work with somebody who could help us get where we want to go.

Emotionally?

I was doing horribly.

What did I do?

I went to therapy.

I went to see a doctor.

I wrote my journal.

I wrote a journal.

When I needed help the most?

I did what I needed to do to get where I wanted to be.

You're Worth It

We can do that.

No.

It's not easy.

And no.

We don't always want to.

Sometimes all we want to do is lay in bed.

And say:

You know what?

I'm just done.

I don't have it left in me to keep pushing.

To keep trying.

To keep training.

But you're worth it.

If I'm worth it?

You're worth it.

If I can do it?

You can do it.

We can do it.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I went to work.

And I had a little tussle with my client.

Nothing we couldn't get over.

I reminded my client what I have to remind myself of:

If you want something to be better?

Then you have to do better.

My client was just like:

"No, no, no. I don't want bad chip notes."

Okay.

Well then do something good.

Huh.

Jamesha.

If you don't want things to be bad?

Do something good.

I could do that.

You can do that.

Let's do that together.

Let's do something good.

Let your bite of pie today be that you recognize:

You know what?

I can do this.

It may not be done perfectly the moment I do it.

But the progress I made doing it?

Is great.

That's something to celebrate.

Let me pat myself on the back for doing that today.

Hey.

I always say:

Treat yourself.

I think for surviving the day?

I want ice cream.

Do I need ice cream?

No.

But I made it through the day.

It's okay to reward myself.

It's okay for you to reward yourself.

It's okay for you to say:

Job well done.

You've made it.

Did you become the president tonight?

No.

Will you become the president tomorrow?

Probably not.

Will you live to see another day and keep fighting?

Absolutely.

No matter how many times you've doubted:

I shouldn't be here.

I'm not wanted.

I'm not needed.

You've survived those odds.

Your track record also says:

You got this.

No.

It's not easy.

But you got this.

And you've got people in your corner rooting for you.

No, I don't.

I'm in your corner.

I am rooting for you.

I will always root for you.

And I hope you always root for me too.

Because we need each other that way.

We need to help each other.

This world has gotten enough people going at each other.

We don't need to add more.

So I'll be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on.

And you can be there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on.

When we need to yell into the void that we're doubting everything about ourselves?

We'll remind each other:

Your track record says you've gotten here.

Apparently?

You're doing pretty good.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Loving Me: I Don't Have to Stop Loving

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever caught yourself pouring so much into someone but not getting it back?

It's that you love so hard.

So much.

That you don't know how to contain it.

Today?

That's been on my mind.

I love hard and big.

I love with detail.

I see you.

I hear you.

And I want you to know that you're seen and heard.

It Only Took the One Time

I was thinking about a past gift that I gave someone.

In passing?

We'd had a conversation about Cirque du Soleil.

He mentioned that he'd wanted to go.

One time.

Passing conversation.

That was it.

And for Christmas?

I got him tickets to a show.

And a hotel to stay at because it was in the city.

I remember the look on his face when I told him about it.

He was so surprised.

Extremely happy.

And it was:

"But I've only mentioned it once."

It only took the one time.

It Was All About Him

We planned the trip.

Made reservations.

He worked out in the city, so he was able to find the place that he wanted to eat the most.

I let him decide that.

It was all about him.

We got to dinner.

Sat there.

Had a great meal.

Talked.

Enjoyed our time together.

Then I remember us catching a car so we could go to the show.

And he was surprised because I didn't get the far-back seats.

I got good seats.

Because if you're gonna do something?

Go big or go home.

I Watched Him Watch the Show

Watching him watch the show?

It was the same feeling that is evoked when you watch your kids open their Christmas presents.

Or birthday presents they're really excited for.

He just wore it all over his face.

So I watched him watch the show.

When it was over?

We made our way back to the hotel.

We were debating whether we should walk or get a car.

Apparently where we saw the show wasn't too far from the hotel.

He was like:

"It's just a couple blocks. Do you wanna walk?"

Yes.

Yes, I would.

"Are you sure? Because you've got heels on."

And I smile at that memory now.

Because I would've walked across Lagos at that time just to enjoy that walk with him.

Holding hands.

Walking through the city.

On a gorgeous night.

Just perfection.

For me?

I saw him.

And I loved him.

And he got to know that he was seen and loved.

And Then It Was Reciprocated

Then I thought about the time that was reciprocated.

He decided we were gonna go away for the weekend.

And he planned a trip.

In my mind?

Those things only happen in movies.

Where a guy says:

"Hey, I'm going to plan this vacation. We're gonna go. We're gonna enjoy ourselves."

That just doesn't happen.

And so he planned it.

I remember us going to the Russian River here in California.

We had a little cabin.

We didn't do anything fancy.

But we did something that was perfect.

I remember sitting in bed.

Eating shrimp scampi pizza.

Yelling at the basketball game.

And him just sitting there with me.

Enjoying our time together.

It couldn't have been more perfect.

And I didn't have to ask for it.

It's Amazing How You React When You're Feeling Seen

I guess where that comes from today?

It's amazing how you react when you're feeling seen or heard.

Earlier this morning?

My day was just rocked.

I woke up from a nightmare.

And the nightmare continued out from the dream.

It didn't end.

I was jolted awake.

Kind of panicking about it.

I thought I'd reach out to somebody.

Like:

Hey, this is what happened.

But that made it worse.

Not better.

I was not in the headspace this morning that said I was in a positive mood.

So much to the point where I put on rock music.

I do listen to rock music.

It's not my typical go-to music.

But I just needed to scream.

If I'm Around Kids, Those Are My Kids

I listened to that until I calmed down.

Then I went on to work.

I got to work and knew it was gonna be a good day.

It's one of the good days that we have.

I'm working.

I'm planning.

Because I have this intervention that I want to try with a student.

It's not my student.

But it's my student.

If you know anything about me?

If I'm around kids?

Those are my kids.

I'm going to take care of them all as if they belong to me.

That's just who I am.

I'm not gonna ignore one kid for another.

Wanna Go for a Walk?

There are these kids in my class who have big personalities.

And the big personalities play off each other.

Sometimes that means things don't get done.

So I volunteered to put myself in a group with them.

Okay.

We're gonna see how this goes.

And it was just:

Talking.

Talking.

Talking.

Talking.

Talking.

Hitting.

Playing back and forth.

Doing what teens do.

I asked one time:

"Hey, do you need a break?"

No.

Don't need a break.

Then the teacher says:

"I have a package for you."

And gives it to one of the students.

The student just kind of looks at it like:

What am I supposed to do with this?

So I say:

"Hey, let's work on that."

He starts to.

Then acknowledges that there's a lot of distractions.

And I say:

"Wanna go for a walk? I'll take you for a walk."

He's like:

"Yeah."

Okay.

Bring your assignment.

He Did Three Pages

As we walked around the school?

He did it.

He answered the questions.

He sat down and processed it all.

He talked to me about it.

We're talking about:

Hey, what's the disconnect?

What do we need help with?

What do we not need help with?

This kid did three pages of work in the time we had.

Then got back to class and was like:

"Hey, teacher. I did three pages."

Sat down to do more work.

And when the friend started talking to him?

"Shh. I'm busy. I'm working."

I love loving someone so much that I can have that effect.

Absolutely. I Would Love to Explain It to You.

This is a student who shows up to school every day and is just there.

Bright.

Intelligent kid.

But you can tell school just isn't the interest.

For me?

Success looked like he sat down and worked on his pages.

And when he had questions?

"Well, can you explain this to me?"

Absolutely.

I would absolutely love to explain it to you.

"Hey, how are we doing in other classes?"

Well?

Okay.

Great.

Bring them in.

We'll sit down.

We'll do it together.

Okay.

I Feel Loved When Someone Sees Me

I feel loved when someone sees me.

When someone recognizes that I need something without me having to tell them.

It's recognizing that he wanted tickets to the show.

Him recognizing that I needed a weekend away.

Me recognizing that this student just needed someone one-on-one.

The world changes when you feel like you're being loved.

And in every interaction that I have?

I try to make people feel that.

Gifts Become More Fun When They Mean Something

I am a gift giver based on emotion.

Strong emotions.

Yes.

Will you tell me what you want and I buy that?

Absolutely.

But for me?

Gifts become more fun when they get to mean something.

My bestie's birthday is in February.

I know any gift I would've given her?

She would've been thankful for.

Any gift.

I could've said:

"Hey, I made your cheesecake."

And she would've been over the moon.

But since I've known her?

She's wanted an iPad.

Couldn't afford an iPad.

So I said:

I'm gonna get her an iPad.

Her Favorite Color Is Pink

Now, I had an extra one at home.

I had bought it for my husband.

He decided he didn't want it.

And I went back and forth.

Well?

I could give her that one.

Again?

She would accept it.

Wouldn't have a problem with it.

But her favorite color is pink.

She would love a pink one.

Then it's:

No.

No.

Don't do that.

You've got this other one at home.

And you want one yourself.

So just give her the blue one.

Buy yourself the yellow one.

So I go down to the store.

And what do I do?

I get myself a yellow one.

And I get her a pink one.

And I get her all the things to make it great.

I See You

I just wanted her to know that she was loved.

She was cared for.

She was seen.

It doesn't always take big and expensive gifts.

That wasn't the point.

It was:

Hey.

You've been talking about this since I've known you.

You've had money come in.

Money go out.

And never once have you said:

Let me take care of it and buy it myself.

Let me do this for me.

Okay.

You work hard being a mom.

Taking care of your kids.

I see you.

Somebody Actually Sees Them

I have a friend who lives in the city.

He will constantly do for others.

And will not do for himself.

He will let all his clothes just fall to pieces if it meant making me happy.

So what do I do?

Just a delivery to the house full of pants.

Or:

You know what?

Your life would be a lot easier if you had this cooker at your home.

So hey.

I got that for you.

It's not just about buying things for people.

Yes.

That's easy to do.

And it's a great feeling when you can give somebody a gift and they appreciate it.

It's more than that.

It's them getting the chance to realize that someone actually sees them.

Someone actually loves them.

Somebody actually cares.

That's important to me.

I Wanted It to Mean Something

When I designed my journal?

For the people.

For myself.

I put into it what I would put into my gifts.

I wanted it to mean something.

I wanted the person to pick it up and say:

Wow.

This is a gift for me.

To me.

It was important to me.

It was important for me that I showed you that I saw you.

I cared about you.

I loved you.

Through my words.

That's all I know how to be.

I Almost Let Someone Take Away Who I Was

I almost let someone change that for me.

I almost let someone take away who I was.

And I'm glad that I'm catching it.

Because I had said:

Never again will I put that much effort into a gift.

Never again will I be that sentimental.

Never again will I give myself to someone that way that didn't appreciate it.

That's not who I am.

All I know is how to love.

And to care.

And to take care of people.

And that's okay.

It's still great.

That's me.

It will always be me.

I Don't Have to Change That for Someone Else

I don't have to change that for someone else.

They can be distant.

Or not appreciate the finer things in life.

But that doesn't mean I have to stop loving.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

Seeing a student in need and reaching out to them.

And them saying:

"No, I get that."

"Does that make sense?"

"Hey, I can do that."

Yeah.

Yeah, you can.

You absolutely can.

You can go so far.

Because you can get it.

Because you can do it.

My bite of pie today was remembering that I'm a loving person.

That I care deeply.

Not everybody appreciates that.

And that sucks sometimes.

But that doesn't mean I need to change who I am to accommodate that.

It just means that I love people who want to be loved.

Everyone deserves it.

But not everybody wants it.

And I'm learning that.

I don't have to keep giving it to everybody just because that's who I am.

It hurts having that rejected.

So maybe?

I'm just more picky.

More selective about who I give that to.

If you're out there and you're feeling slighted?

Unimportant?

Unseen?

I see you.

I hear you.

If I could give you your perfect gift?

You'd have it.

You'd have it.

If you are remembering the person that you were before someone tore you down?

Before you let them decide who you should be versus who you are?

I'm here.

I go through it too.

I just need you to remember:

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Happily Exhausted Me: I Would Rather Be Exhausted and Happy

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever stayed up way longer than you should have?

Just gabbing along with a friend.

Talking about something that's so innocent but so sweet?

Something that makes you smile?

And you just can't help but keep talking about it?

Yeah.

I was up way too late last night.

The More They Made Me Smile, the More I Wanted to Talk About Them

I knew I should have gone to bed.

But I was just reminiscing over certain events that have passed.

And they made me smile.

And the more they made me smile?

The more I wanted to talk about them.

It wasn't anything spectacular.

It wasn't anything big.

It was just sweet little moments that meant something to me.

Things that probably mean nothing to anybody else.

And I find that those are the moments where I'm the happiest.

It's in the way someone says good morning.

Or good night.

Or in the way that you just know things are peaceful.

It Was Like He Knew

Yesterday we talked about me being panicked because I was worried that I had upset my friend.

Boyfriend.

And I said I wasn't gonna call.

And I didn't.

I got off my podcast.

I put everything away.

Then I picked up my phone.

And there was a message from him.

It was like he knew.

He knew.

And again?

We didn't have this long, overdue, complicated conversation.

It was simple.

This is how my day went.

I'm going to bed.

Okay.

And it instantly made me feel better.

Instead of assuming that he was mad at me?

I was just at peace.

My Nervous System Just Relaxed

I laid there in bed thinking about it.

And I instantly went from being super panicked about it?

To super calm.

Like my nervous system just relaxed.

And that in and of itself made me smile.

I don't know why the feelings I have are so extreme and strong.

But I know that they are.

When I feel loved?

Man.

Do I feel loved.

Everything reminds me of being loved.

Being cared for.

Taken care of.

Seen.

Heard.

But when I feel down?

Everybody hates me.

Nobody wants me.

I'm not good enough for anything.

Or anybody.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

And that always interests me.

Because they're two sides of the same coin.

They're always front and back.

For me?

It's always one or the other.

Even as I sit here now doing my podcast?

I just got a message from Boyfriend.

And that is how that goes.

It's almost like he can hear me when I'm taking my thoughts out into the world.

When I'm trying to figure out how to be the best me.

I don't know what the connection is.

I don't understand why the connection exists.

I just know it's been very nice to have somebody in the last 15 years who just gets it.

There's Beauty in the Lack of Knowing

Today I was talking to a friend about the nuances of our relationship with Boyfriend.

And we were laughing.

Because sometimes he says things.

Sometimes he does things.

And when you put them together?

You're just like:

What the hell?

Where are you going with that?

But there's beauty in it.

There's beauty in the lack of knowing.

It probably doesn't make a lot of sense.

Because honestly?

It doesn't make a lot of sense.

But to me?

I understand it.

Some People Are Just Effortless

Some people I just have effortless relationships with.

I meet those people?

And wonders happen.

It's like I've been seen for the first time.

It's like they understand me without explanation.

It's peaceful.

And there are very few people in the world that I give that to.

The first person that I ever respectfully gave that to?

Was my grandmother.

I felt like I was just everything to her.

She was my person.

Then she wasn't there.

And it was a long time before I had another person.

I Attach Hard

And I think when I find these people?

Because they're so rare?

I attach.

And I attach hard.

And I feel like sometimes I'm sucking the life out of them.

Not intentionally.

Not because I'm unwell.

But because I'm clinging to that feeling of someone understanding me.

Wanting me.

Wanting to be a part of my life.

And it feels amazing.

Sometimes That's All I Can Work With

I don't know how things are supposed to go.

I don't have a plan for how they will turn out.

I have a plan for how I want them to be.

And sometimes?

That's all I can work with.

Today I said that I wanted to make a kid smile.

And I did that.

I made a few kids smile today.

And work was really good.

Despite the fact that I was tired.

Nope. This Is Not Gonna Work.

I'm supposed to get up at five in the morning.

I woke up at three.

And I was hungry.

But I didn't go to bed until almost eleven.

I finally convinced myself to go back to sleep by four.

Then woke up at five and was like:

Nope.

This is not gonna work.

So I set my alarm for six.

Then 6:30.

At 6:45?

I figured I should probably get up and go to work.

I was exhausted.

But happily so.

I Sang and I Danced and I Laughed

I got up.

I got dressed.

I got in my car.

I put on music.

I sang.

I danced.

I laughed.

And while the day could have gone terribly wrong?

I could've been miserable.

I could've made everybody miserable around me.

That wasn't the case.

I enjoyed my day.

I think part of that is learning how to recognize when things don't go my way?

It doesn't mean the world's ending.

It doesn't mean the day is ruined.

It doesn't mean my life is ruined.

It just means that it's a moment.

I Just Let Myself Enjoy the Day

Today?

I didn't have those moments.

I just let myself enjoy the day.

Now, is it gonna be that easy tomorrow?

No.

Because Current Me is not setting up Future Me very well.

Current Me needs gas in her car.

Current Me does not want to go get gas in her car.

Future Me will have to get up early to do so.

And Future Me probably won't be very happy about it.

And I will deal with that then.

Some Days Are Made to Just Be Happily Exhausted

Tonight?

I'm just going to enjoy smiling.

Laughing.

Being.

Because some days are made to just be happily exhausted.

Some days are just you smiling and making it through.

I'm happy with that.

I'm happy that I can still find the joy in gabbing with a friend.

Talking about the boy down the street.

The item that made me laugh.

The sign that I saw that was silly.

Sometimes it's necessary to just kind of let life be life.

And today?

That's what it felt like.

I Felt Like That High School Girl Again

I felt like I was that high school girl.

Talking with your friends like:

My gosh.

This happened.

And my goodness.

This happened next.

It was fun.

It was needed.

It was worthwhile.

And given the chance to do last night all over again?

I would choose not sleeping.

I would choose being exhausted.

I would rather be exhausted and happy than to have slept well and be miserable.

Something's Changing

Something's changing.

Something's happening.

I'm making plans for me.

And that's such a big deal.

I'm so great at making plans for everybody else.

And this time?

They're specific for me.

I'm making moves.

I'm doing things that I didn't think I would do.

I feel like life is starting.

At 43 years old?

My life is starting.

I'm Enjoying the Life I'm Building Here

And I don't mean that in a way that my Kansas life doesn't exist.

I love my Kansas life too.

I love the people in my Kansas life.

But even as I know that?

Even as I recognize that?

I'm not afraid to say that I'm enjoying the life that I'm building here.

I'm enjoying becoming the me that I missed.

The girl who did things for herself.

Took care of herself.

Loved herself.

The girl who would get minimal amounts of sleep?

Not because she was crying herself to sleep.

Not because she wasn't happy with something that happened through the day.

Just purely because?

It was a good day.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I did make a kid smile like I said I wanted to.

And I gushed over a friend today.

I went through memories on my phone of randomness.

I met someone new today who I really liked.

She seemed really nice.

It's unfortunate that I probably won't talk to her again.

But she was very like-minded.

Just instantly.

Today I went to work exhausted.

And I still smiled.

And had a great day.

That was my bite of pie.

Sometimes?

That's all you need.

So if you're tired and you don't want to do anything but smile?

Do it.

Find the thing that makes you smile.

Find the person that makes you giggle.

And do it.

Life is short.

And we spend so much time worrying about all the negative things.

All the bad things.

All the time.

Sometimes we forget that it's okay to be silly and free.

It's okay to stay up all night long talking to a friend about the most random things.

It's okay to go through memories and remember all the times that you felt loved and cared for.

Sometimes it's necessary.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Panicked Me: I'm Loved Even When It's Not Right in Front of My Face

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever had an interaction with someone that you thought went really well?

But then you didn't hear from them?

And then you just panicked?

Like your mind automatically goes to:

You must have done something wrong.

That is the bubble that I live in.

I Didn't Hear From Boyfriend

Today I got up.

Had a normal morning.

Minus one little thing.

I didn't hear from Boyfriend.

And it's not typical for him not to message me in the morning.

He'd spoken to me briefly yesterday.

I knew he was busy.

He works at Levi's Stadium.

So I expected him to be tied up with things.

He got back to me before he went to bed.

But today?

It's just been really quiet.

And for me, that automatically means I must have done something wrong.

Everything's Fine. So Why Do I Still Feel Like I've Done Something Wrong?

My brain automatically associates any type of change in a routine with me messing something up.

Now, he didn't say that.

Didn't imply it.

I actually talked to him today.

I called him to make sure everything was okay.

He was good.

He answered my phone call right away.

He spoke to me.

It was great.

And yet, as I sit here at a quarter to eight tonight?

I still feel like I've done something wrong.

You see, I can't help but get in my head.

I know when I'm doing it.

I'm aware that it's happening.

But until I can have that actual conversation with him that says:

No.

Everything's fine.

I'm going to worry.

Everything is not fine.

And I've done something wrong.

Are You Mad at Me?

The amount of times I've asked him:

Are you mad at me?

Did I do something wrong?

For him to ask me:

"Am I supposed to be mad at you?"

"Do you think you've done something wrong?"

I don't know.

I just automatically assume that.

I automatically assume people must be upset with me.

That I've angered them.

That I've done something to make them not like me.

I've been this way since I was a kid.

As a kid, if you were walking through the store and you looked my way?

And I thought you looked at me mean?

I automatically burst into tears.

And assumed you didn't like me.

It Has to Be Somehow My Fault

This has been an innate trait of mine for as long as I can remember.

Somehow I pick up on these feelings of animosity.

Disregard.

And I internalize them.

It can't be that someone's having a bad day.

It can't be that someone's busy.

It has to be somehow my fault.

I wish I knew what triggered that.

I wish I knew what made me automatically assume that everything was my fault.

Why I take on the burden of everybody else's feelings and thoughts.

Logically?

I know that's not true.

I have no control over what people think.

How they feel.

What they say.

What they do.

Now You Have to Fix It

And yet my mental status does not care about logic.

It says:

You must have done something.

And now you have to fix it.

Then as I attempt to fix it?

It's the other voice that says:

You're bothering them.

Leave them alone.

The amount of friendships I've let go by the wayside because I don't want to bother them.

Because I think I've upset them.

And if I bother them?

It's gonna upset them more.

If I reach out to find out why they're angry?

And then they're not angry?

Then they're going to get angry because I thought they were angry.

And then what do I do?

How do I fix it?

I'm Not Even Sure What I Should Be Sorry For

I can say I'm sorry.

But I say that an awful lot.

And at this point?

I'm not even sure what I should be sorry for.

I know I've done something.

Supposedly.

And that I should feel bad about it.

But I don't know what it is.

I don't know how I got there.

It's a never-ending cycle.

I wish things could just be.

Hey.

Maybe he's just busy.

Let it be.

I Actually Had a Great Day

I was busy today.

I had things to do.

It wasn't like I was checking my phone all day long.

I got up for work.

Left on time.

And still managed to get there super early.

I talked to a job today.

I applied for other jobs today.

I know.

I know.

I shouldn't be doing that.

But I did.

I had a good day at work.

Went smoothly.

Got home fairly quickly.

Sat down.

Did my trainings today.

No issue.

Talked to my two friends back home.

Laughed and joked about all the things that were going on.

I Needed That Girl Yes

I got to have some quality girl time with my friend.

Got to give her the gossip.

And we laughed and joked about that.

Laughed with my other friend because he was like:

"Why can't I know the gossip?"

Well, you kind of do know the gossip.

Not in as much detail as she does.

Because she thinks more like me.

When I say things?

It's like:

Girl, yes.

Where he's just like:

"What?"

And I needed that girl yes.

It was a great day.

I interacted with all the people except for one.

And so I feel like I've done something bad.

Wrong.

I don't know how to shake the feeling.

My Brain Has This Superpower of Overanalyzing Everything

I don't know how to stop blaming myself for things that aren't my fault.

But I do the same thing with my family.

Sunday happened.

And my first thought was:

I upset my sister.

It wasn't intentional.

I wasn't meaning to upset my sister.

I wasn't meaning to be weird or strange.

But now it's:

Well, do I go to the church again?

Because clearly that didn't work out.

She seemed really bothered by me being there at the end.

And then it's just excuse upon excuse upon excuse.

It must have been something I did or said.

I don't even have social anxiety.

I'm great in public places.

Great in social situations.

And yet?

It's when I get home from those situations.

My brain has this superpower of overanalyzing everything I've done.

Everything I've said.

The way I looked when I said it.

The way I looked when I did it.

They Didn't Laugh at That Joke

My gosh.

This person must think this of me because of that.

I don't even know some of these people.

But I could convince you why they don't like me.

Well, they didn't laugh at that joke.

So they probably think I'm stupid.

Well, I said something and they just kind of stared blankly at me.

Maybe I said it wrong.

Maybe I didn't explain myself right.

Then it's this instant panic.

How do I fix it?

What do I do?

Where do I go?

Even as I sit here writing in my journal?

Every part of me wants to pick up the phone.

Call him.

And say:

So.

Are you mad at me?

Did I do something wrong?

I Could Just Pick Up the Phone

I'd like to say that when I get off from doing my journal?

I won't make that phone call.

But I also know that if I don't make that phone call?

It's going to be me laying in bed all night long beating up myself.

When I could've just picked up the phone and said:

Hey.

Is everything okay?

Then I hate having to do that.

I hate feeling that needy.

Because that's what it feels like to me.

My gosh.

You need constant attention.

And it's not that I need constant attention.

But I do need the reassurance.

Those two could seem a lot like each other to the wrong people.

If I Was a Bird

I know I often ask my husband for reassurance.

And I know it gets old.

The amount of times I ask him if he loves me.

Or if I'm his favorite.

If he would be a bird if I was a bird.

I need to know that I am not pushing everybody away successfully.

And I think that's what it comes down to.

I'm so good at keeping people at bay.

Sometimes it's intentional.

Other times it's not.

I decided a long time ago that there's a two-year limit for me.

People can deal with me in two-year time spans.

And then after that?

They want to walk away.

What If One Day He Decides I'm Not Worth It?

I think that scares me.

That this person who's been a part of my life for 15 years?

Could one day wake up and be like:

Why have I been doing this?

She's not worth it.

And in the back of my mind?

I would say he's right.

I'm not worth it.

I don't feel like I'm worth it.

I feel like sometimes I get really lucky.

Or really blessed.

And I get these people in my life who mean the world to me.

And I don't understand why they put up with me.

But the minute I feel like it's being pulled from underneath my feet?

I spiral.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to act.

I don't know how to fix the problem.

I want to.

I'd like to.

Sometimes People Can't Always Do the Things They Do

I'd like to be able to just say:

It's okay.

It's working the way it's supposed to.

There are going to be days where people can't always do the things they do.

Right?

That doesn't mean something is fundamentally wrong.

Right?

So today I'm trying not to burn myself out.

While also trying not to burn up my friendship by being a brat.

Or annoying.

Or obnoxious.

Which is how I'm feeling.

I'm trying to self-soothe and tell myself that it's okay.

Although that's not how I feel.

I'm Going to Do Some Comfort Things for Myself

So tonight?

I'm going to do some comfort things for myself.

I'm going to eat a bowl of cereal.

Because that sounds amazing.

And I'm going to put something on my TV.

I was thinking about watching a movie.

But listening to a thunderstorm right now?

Sounds so peaceful.

And I'm gonna remember that I'm loved.

Even when it's not right in front of my face.

Just Because It's Not There Doesn't Mean It Doesn't Exist

Object permanence.

Just because it's not there doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

But for me?

That's generally how it works.

If you're not trying to see me or talk to me?

Then you've forgotten about me.

And you don't want me.

I think that's what makes Kansas so hard for me.

Because I'm convinced that everyone's gonna be better off without me.

And they're gonna forget about me.

The first reaction is to run back so that doesn't happen.

If I Could Keep Them All in My Pocket, I Would

My husband's doing really well.

My kid's doing pretty well.

They tell me they miss me.

But it's hard for me to believe.

My husband says one of my dogs has been super clingy since I left.

And it makes me sad.

Because I don't want that for any of them.

And if I could keep them all in my pocket?

I would.

I am terrified that all the people who know me are gonna realize that I'm a phony.

That I don't deserve the love and the care or respect they give me.

The problem is?

That's not true.

It's just how I feel some days.

So it's something to work on.

Something to improve upon.

I Wrote the Page the Way I Wanted To

I said last night on my podcast that I was going to have a good day.

That I was going to write today as a good day.

And honestly?

It was a really good day.

Minus the little panic.

I had a good day.

I wrote the page the way I wanted it to.

I did the things that made me happy.

I sang.

I danced.

I laughed.

I interacted with people I wanted to interact with.

It was a good day.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I set a goal last night to write a page that I was gonna be proud of.

And I did that today.

I said last night that the page of my story I was writing today?

Was going to be me having a good day.

And I followed through.

I talk about and I push this idea that we are the authors of our stories.

Every day we get to choose how we're going to write it.

I was going to write a page today where I was happy.

And I was.

Again?

Being happy doesn't mean something doesn't happen.

Overall, though?

It was a good day.

I think sometimes good days have a little bit of sadness in them.

That's normal.

So if you're feeling less than optimistic about how things are going?

If you're feeling panicked about relationships because you can't see them?

You can't touch them?

So you're not so sure if they're there?

Tomorrow when you get up?

Rewrite that page.

Reach out.

Say hi.

Ask:

Is it all in my head?

Is there something wrong?

And then we go from there.

Tomorrow I Just Want to Make the Kid Laugh

Tomorrow?

Let's see what I want to write about.

I have training again.

But this time I think I'm training with a kiddo.

So tomorrow my page is going to look like getting the kid to laugh.

That's it.

I just want to make the kid laugh.

And if I can get that?

I'll say I had a good day.

So when I write in my journal tomorrow?

When we get to talk to each other?

That's what I hope I get to come back and tell you.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Perplexed Me: I'm Not Going to Dim My Light

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever had an interaction with someone that you thought was simple that just left you confused?

It shouldn't have been difficult.

It should have been one of the easiest interactions.

And yet somehow?

It turned into something that it shouldn't have.

That's How I Grew Up in Church

Yesterday my sister invited me to go to her church.

I accepted.

So I got up this morning.

Got ready.

Went to her church.

And I was having a great time.

I met her friends and her pastor.

They were all making jokes.

We were all laughing.

Perfect.

That's how I grew up in church.

We talked.

We laughed.

We joked.

We got to know each other.

We fellowshipped.

So that felt natural to me.

At the end of service, we all sat down and started talking about the dynamic of our family.

Our names.

All the things that had people going:

Wow.

That's insane.

Yeah.

It is.

But it's our family.

I Forget That You're Married

I was talking about how I wish I still had my last name.

I'm very proud of my last name.

And it was really hard for me to change it.

My sister goes:

"What are you talking about? What do you mean your last name?"

Well, I married legally.

And legally I changed my last name.

"I forget that you're married."

Hmm.

Well, I am.

Throughout the conversation, there were things like that that stood out.

At one point she asked me:

"Where are you from?"

California.

I live in Kansas.

I'm from California.

But I didn't think anything of it.

We continued having conversations and interacting with people.

Then we all decided to go out for lunch.

We Don't Know Much About Each Other

We got to lunch.

Her friend ordered for the table.

Which is fine.

Something everybody could eat.

Everybody liked.

They wanted sweet and sour pork.

I'm not the hugest fan of pork.

Not because it's pork.

I have sensitivity issues with certain things.

The texture of pork is really hard for me to eat.

It's a sensory issue.

So I said:

No.

I don't really like pork.

"You don't eat pork?"

No.

I don't.

Then we got water for the table.

And I really didn't want water.

"You don't drink water?"

I've never liked water.

But again?

I don't expect my sister to know much about me.

We aren't interactive in each other's lives.

We joked about water.

We joked about her cooking because she doesn't necessarily like to cook.

She said she doesn't have time.

We're joking back and forth.

Nothing's wrong with that.

Okay. Who Are You?

Then we started talking about the Bible.

And that started because I mentioned my journals.

Hey.

Do you want to buy a journal from your sister?

Support your big sister?

"Well, I don't know. The economy's hard right now."

It is.

But it's a journal.

You can use it.

"What kind of journal is it? Is it just a journal?"

No.

It has prompts.

It helps you learn who you are.

"I know who I am."

Okay.

Who are you?

"I'm a child of God."

And her friend's like:

Okay.

I said:

Well, what does that mean to you?

"What do you mean?"

You're a child of God.

What does that mean to you?

I'm a Follower of Christ

Here's my thing.

We have many people in this world who claim to be Christian.

Lutherans.

Catholics.

Mormons.

Baptists.

There's a whole gamut of people who are Christians.

What does that mean?

What does that look like?

What does that say about you?

I don't say that I'm Christian because that's such a broad term.

If you ask me?

I'm a follower of Christ.

There are teachings from him that I believe.

That I study.

That I feel represent who I want to be.

What's good for you may not be good for me.

So we're talking about it.

And her friend says her husband has said the same thing.

Calling yourself a Christian doesn't really mean anything because anyone can call themselves a Christian.

And so we talked about that.

Then we started talking about the Bible.

What's Your Favorite Story in the Bible?

We grew up reading the Bible.

We know a good portion of the Bible.

We were church kids.

Our dad used to have Bible study at home.

So I'm asking my sister:

Hey.

What's your favorite story in the Bible?

"What are you talking about?"

Your favorite story in the Bible.

"Why are you being weird?"

I don't understand how I'm being weird.

So I use myself as an example.

Bravo to Ruth. Couldn't Be Me.

There's the book of Ruth.

For those of you who don't know about Ruth?

Ruth was a wife.

Her husband eventually passed.

Her brother-in-law passed.

Her father-in-law passed.

So it was just her, her sister-in-law, and her mother-in-law.

Her mother-in-law tells them:

You guys are young.

You can go back to your family.

Her sister-in-law splits.

Ruth says:

No.

Your people are my people.

Your God is my God.

I'm going to follow you.

And to me?

That is wild.

Because I cannot imagine a world where I want to follow my husband's mom.

No disrespect.

That is just not my mindset.

If you told me I had to spend the rest of my life following behind her?

I would've opted out.

So the fact that Ruth had this idea that that's what she was gonna do?

Bravo to Ruth.

Couldn't be me.

I'm Simply Trying to Have a Conversation

I'm talking about it and asking my sister:

Do you know the story of Ruth?

"Why are you being so weird?"

Then the nine-year-old we were with was like:

"Hey, I know that story."

So he tells the story.

We're talking about it.

Joking back and forth.

Even her friend recognizes:

I'm also not a Ruth.

I could not be a Ruth.

Right?

Simple ha-ha conversation.

So I'm asking my sister:

What stories of the Bible do you like?

"What are you talking about?"

The Bible has stories.

Some of them are really interesting.

What are the ones you like?

"I don't read the Bible for stories. I read it for understanding."

Okay.

So what's your understanding of a story that you read?

"Why are you being so weird?"

I'm not.

I'm trying to talk with you.

I'm simply trying to have a conversation.

Pretend I'm a Sinner

Fine.

Pretend I'm a sinner.

Pretend like I don't know of God.

How would you talk me into coming to church?

"You want me to pretend? Are you trying to tell me something?"

Nope.

Still just trying to have a conversation with you.

"Why are you being so weird?"

Again.

Not being weird.

Simply trying to talk to you.

What if I wanted to do a Bible study?

"If you need to do a Bible study, we could find you somebody."

Well, why can't I do a Bible study with you?

"I'm a busy person."

Okay.

But we make time for the things that are important to us.

Right?

I'm Busy. I'm Busy. I'm Busy.

You hear that so often.

I'm busy.

I'm busy.

I'm busy.

Interesting.

Because if it held your interest?

You would do it.

If it was important to you?

You'd find time for it.

That's how that works.

Text messages.

Dates.

Movies.

Books.

Children.

When something means something to us, we find the time.

So I asked:

You said you have this long commute to work.

What about then?

"My commute to work?"

Yes.

You said you have a long commute to work.

What about then?

"That's between me and God. Not between God, me, and Jamesha."

Okay.

Again.

I'm simply asking about the Bible.

You're a child of God.

You're dedicated to what you're learning.

What you stand on.

Your foundation.

"You're just being weird."

I Just Wanted to Talk to My Sister

At that point?

I stopped talking.

Because I chose what I thought was the safest of conversations.

Seeing as how we'd just come from church.

And yet somehow?

It still turned into a mess.

I don't know how to navigate that.

I don't know how to make it make more sense to her that it's not me calling you out.

It's not me telling you you're right or wrong about anything.

It's simply me wanting to talk to my sister.

And that seemed problematic.

Say Goodbye to Your Sister

Lunch was over.

We were saying our goodbyes.

Her friend came up and gave me a hug.

Said it was great to have me.

They hoped to see me again tonight because they had something going on at five.

Her little boys came up and thanked me for coming.

Said they enjoyed meeting me.

I'm starting to get in my car.

My sister goes:

"I know you parked there."

Okay.

Well, I don't expect you to know my car.

That's fine.

And her friend tells her:

"Say goodbye to your sister."

"Bye."

I got in my car.

And I drove away.

I Don't Know What I Did Wrong

It was just this heavy feeling.

Because I don't know what I did wrong.

I wish I understood it.

I wish I knew.

I really wasn't trying to offend anybody.

Upset anybody.

During lunch, she talked about how she doesn't talk to most of our brothers and sisters.

Great.

Here I am.

Let's talk.

She acknowledged she didn't know much about my life.

Well, I've been married for ten years.

I've been with my husband for twelve.

I have a foster kid.

I own a house.

I have land.

I work with kids for a living.

I really enjoy my job.

I wrote journals.

I'm writing a book.

Because It's Home

"Where are you from?"

California.

But I live in Kansas.

"Why would you come back to California?"

Because it's home.

It will always be home to me.

"It's so expensive."

California has always been expensive.

You were just younger when I left.

So it didn't have the same effect on you.

"Well, I just don't understand why you'd come back here."

My dad's here.

And some of my siblings that I like.

"Some of the siblings that you like?"

Yeah.

I like quite a bit of you guys.

I don't talk to all of you guys.

But you're still my siblings.

She kind of scoffed at that.

And every step of the way?

It felt like I was up against something I could not see.

Maybe That's Just Who She Is

I didn't know how to interact with her where she didn't feel like she had to be defensive.

Maybe I read into it wrong.

Maybe she wasn't being defensive.

Maybe that's just who she is.

I just don't understand why there had to be something wrong with me because I was asking questions.

At some point she picks up the phone.

And I'm like:

Are you texting Mom?

Are you telling on me?

"No."

Okay.

I suspect they're gonna talk about me.

Because that's what happens in my family.

Which is why we're all so strained to begin with.

I've Always Been the Black Sheep

I know I'm the black sheep.

I've always been the black sheep.

I've always been the issue.

So I'm very cautious about the energy I put forth in these relationships.

Because they burn me out so quickly.

Again.

What was supposed to be a great Sunday?

Going to church.

Worshipping God.

Fellowshipping.

Turned into this.

Just for her to send me a text at four-something asking if I was going back to her church tonight at five.

No.

I have a headache.

And I did have a headache.

I'm gonna stay in tonight.

I stayed in bed for a while.

Then I told myself:

You know what I need tonight?

Ice cream.

I Left My House at 6:30 to Get Ice Cream

I don't leave my house after a certain time.

Parking is a nightmare.

And tonight?

I left my house at 6:30 to get ice cream.

Which is indicative of just how strenuous my day was for me.

I don't know what I was hoping for.

I just wanted a relationship with my sister.

I just want a relationship with my family.

And I don't know how to do that.

I don't know how to get that.

I don't know how to navigate wanting a relationship with people who seem so set on not liking me.

And I don't know why they don't like me.

I Just Want a Relationship With My Family

I'm sure if I asked them about it?

It's gonna be:

"That's not true."

"That's not the case."

Really?

Because your interaction with me versus your interaction with the stranger makes no sense.

That was one of the reasons why I don't go to my mom's church.

Way back when I was dating Mark?

Mark and I and the girls went to her church.

And my mom sat across the aisle from me.

Would not acknowledge me.

How do you sit in a church and act like you don't know your own daughter?

That's insane to me.

I Don't Understand That Mentality

People talk about church hurt.

How you can't hold the church for what people do because people are flawed.

Yes.

But they're also a representation of that church.

And if they're going to continue to have those behaviors and nothing's gonna change?

That's what people are going to assume happens with that church.

I cannot go sit in a church with my family and have them smile and laugh and hug me at church in front of people.

Then the minute we get out of church?

They act like they don't know who I am.

I don't understand that mentality.

So I walked away feeling really perplexed.

How did that go so wrong?

What did I do that was so wrong?

I'm Trying to Please People Who Can't Be Pleased

I struggle with wanting to please people.

Wanting to make them happy.

And in my family?

That's always my downfall.

Because I'm trying to please people who can't be pleased.

I will never meet their standards.

I will never meet the level they want me to be at.

I don't even know if it's realistic.

I don't know what it looks like.

I just know that I am me.

My life isn't traditional by their standards.

I Just Didn't Invite Anybody

I'm married.

They weren't invited to my wedding.

They wouldn't have come.

I explained that to someone today.

"Why didn't you have your family at your wedding?"

Because I know if I had invited them?

No one would've come to Kansas.

And rather than feel bad that nobody cared enough to show up to my wedding?

I just didn't invite anybody.

The last time I was talking about getting married?

I wanted my sisters in it.

We were planning this big wedding.

And the first thing they started to do?

Complain about the dresses they were gonna wear.

"I'm not wearing that."

"I wouldn't be caught dead in that."

It's not your wedding.

"Well, if that's what I'm wearing, I'm not gonna be in it."

Okay.

Okay.

It's the Little Comment Nobody Sees

People wonder how mental health happens.

It's not an overnight thing.

It's shaped.

It's carved out.

It's the little comment that nobody sees and hears.

It's the looks of disdain for being different.

It's the pressure to feel like you're being perfect in a family you could never be perfect for.

Tonight I got to remember why it's so hard for me interacting with my family.

And I got to question if it's something I want to do.

I Can't Do It on My Own

It's still something I want to keep trying.

It's why I came out here.

For my dad.

And to try to make amends to the best of my ability.

I can't do it on my own.

And I'm not going to keep putting myself in a situation where I'm gonna hurt me, emotionally speaking, to make friends with people who don't want me in their life.

It's gonna be okay that I might have to be on my own.

And I have to accept that.

While it's sad?

Today was an indication of why that is.

I may have to love them at arm's length.

I'm Still Gonna Be Me

If they don't want to let me in?

If they don't want to get to know the person I am versus the person they've decided I am?

That is their loss.

I'm still gonna be me.

I'm still gonna learn who I am.

I'm still gonna love who I am.

I'm still gonna love who I'm becoming.

I'm still gonna write a story where I am the hero.

I'm the winner.

I love.

And I care.

Either they get to be a part of that?

Or they don't.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I went to church.

And I had a phenomenal time.

I took the time to give myself an out when it wasn't working for me.

I took meds if my head was hurting.

And if you know me?

That's a huge deal.

I hate taking meds for something like a headache.

But if it's bad enough?

I will.

Then I gave myself a little treat when I needed a pick-me-up.

I went and got my ice cream.

And sometimes that's what a great day looks like.

The expectation isn't that the whole day has to be great.

At some point in time, we have to acknowledge that one thing going wrong doesn't mean the whole thing has gone wrong.

There was one moment today where things didn't go the way I wanted them to.

And there was one moment where my sister and I had our arms wrapped around each other.

We were praying.

And it felt good.

It felt right.

One doesn't erase the other.

That's not how it's supposed to work.

I'm Not Going to Dim My Light

If you're out there and you're curious as to why relationships are so bumpy when they don't need to be?

Or you're curious as to how something so simple and small in your eyes turned out to be a monstrosity for no reason?

You're not alone at all.

I'm still trying to figure things out at the ripe old age of 43.

Why relationships go south when nothing happened.

When nothing was said.

And maybe it's because of that.

Maybe it's because nothing happens and nothing was said.

All I know is I can do my best.

And you can only do your best.

People are either gonna accept it?

Or they're gonna have to walk away from it.

Because I'm not gonna dim my light.

I'm not gonna dumb myself down to be who you want me to be to make yourself feel better.

Tonight I write another page.

Because today's page was really weird for me.

Tomorrow my page starts off with me going to work.

And I choose to be happy about that.

I choose to be happy that I get off early tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

I'm deciding now is gonna be a good day.

That's how I'm writing that page.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Inadequate Me: That Was Never Enough. It's Not That I'm Not Enough.

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever had someone that you love and trust make you just feel less than?

It's not an outwardly open thing that they do.

It's the small things that you notice.

Things that maybe somebody else wouldn't catch on to.

They wouldn't see it the same way.

It's Amazing What One Person Can Change

I had an absolutely amazing day yesterday.

I did the boring work thing that I had to do.

The training.

Then I got to hang out with a friend.

A friend that I really enjoy hanging out with.

We just really get each other.

For those of you who don't know, I call him Boyfriend.

He is not my boyfriend.

That's just what I call him.

It's a little inside joke between him and me.

But I got to hang out with Boyfriend last night.

We laughed.

We talked.

We had some of our unusual conversations like we usually do.

What If You Lived Across the Street?

I think last night's conversation was the idea of being married to somebody and not living in the same household.

Maybe living across the street.

He said he thinks he could do that if he had a key to her place.

She had a key to his place.

But he could go home and just be quiet when he went home.

And I know that for him?

That's a really big deal.

The idea of going home to your peace.

Being able to relax in your own home.

Not dealing with anybody else.

And I said:

I could see the benefits of that.

But I could also see the benefits of wanting to see your significant other more than that.

So I threw out the idea:

What if you guys lived in the same house but had separate bedrooms at opposite ends of the house?

Sometimes It's Nice to Sleep in My Own Bed

For me, it's not about not wanting to be with my partner.

It's wanting to get a chance to explore the things that are important to me.

Reading.

Writing.

My podcast.

Scrapbooking.

I know for some people it'd be as simple as:

Well, just have your own offices.

Yeah.

But sometimes it's nice being able to sleep in my own bed by myself.

So I could kind of get where he was coming from.

And we were talking about it.

It just kind of made a lot of sense.

You Have to Find Somebody Who's Like-Minded

I went on to talk to him about how he and I are very similar in that way.

When I first got the job out here?

My first thought was to take on a second job.

He also works a lot.

He has a life full of things he's taking care of.

So he was saying he doesn't have time to date because he stays busy.

And I said:

Well, it's not so much that you don't have time to date.

You have to find somebody who's like-minded.

Someone who also appreciates the art of being busy.

And when the person you're dating understands that concept?

The time that you guys spend together is much more important.

It's intentional.

You want to spend time with that person.

You're gonna make it work.

He's in My Corner

We talked.

I was up way too late last night.

Then I went to bed.

Got up this morning with a smile on my face.

I just had a good time.

It's amazing what one person in your life who you can just be yourself with can change about your outlook.

He's known me for 15-plus years.

He's seen me through all the ups and the downs.

All the manic episodes.

And has stood by me the entire time.

Just loving me.

Telling me he's there for me.

He cares about me.

It doesn't lessen his love for me.

Doesn't lessen his care for me when I lose every ounce of my mind.

It's nice to know he's in my corner.

I told him last night that he's probably one of my biggest supporters.

Then I stopped and said:

No.

You probably are my biggest supporter.

And he said:

"Yeah, I am."

He's Gonna Cheer Me On

I know if I say:

Hey, I'm doing this.

He's gonna cheer me on.

If I'm writing this book?

He'll say:

"Well, let me know when you're done writing it so I can read it."

And I know that he would.

Genuinely read it to see what he thought of it.

I'm not asking for that.

I'm not seeking out somebody to be my yes man.

But it was nice knowing that I had someone who rooted so hard for me.

So today I got up smiling.

Because I had a great night.

I got to sleep in.

It was a wonderful morning.

Up until a piece of my life crept in that right now I'm having issues with.

My Kansas Life Is Still There

My Kansas life is still there.

And I'm trying to navigate how to work with my Kansas life while I'm here in California.

The things we're doing are different.

I'm out here.

I'm working two jobs.

I'm trying to get financially stable so that things are taken care of both here and there.

That's just my mindset.

Plus?

I still want to work on my business.

My books.

All the other things I've got going on.

And there I have my kiddo and my husband.

I'm trying to balance out how involved I should be in that.

My kiddo doesn't want to talk to my husband.

My husband's at odds with my kiddo.

So I become the middleman for a lot of things.

I'm in California. I Don't Know How Else to Help.

Today my kiddo wanted to do some baking.

He was looking for cornstarch.

Couldn't find it.

And I was like:

Hey, do we have any?

Well, yeah.

I think I have some.

I was telling him where to look.

All the places I would keep it.

He couldn't find it.

I'm in California.

I don't know how else to help.

I can tell you where I think it is.

I can tell you that I think I have it.

Then my hands are kind of tied.

So I called my husband.

Sent him into the kitchen to look.

He gets up and goes.

And I'm like:

Wait.

Where were you?

Were you sleeping?

"No, I was laying on the couch."

Here's my kitchen.

And there's a wall here.

That's where my living room is.

So I got frustrated.

Because I don't understand.

You're there.

He's there.

What's going on?

Figure It Out

I had my husband look.

Walked him through it.

He couldn't find it either.

That's when they kind of start talking.

My husband's like:

"Do you need something?"

And they're communicating.

My husband says he'll go to the store to get whatever he needs.

Great.

But I'm annoyed.

Because again?

I was put in the middle of something I didn't need to be in the middle of.

I'm not there.

The easiest and quickest way to solve that problem was for the two of them to talk it out.

Figure out what was needed.

And whether my husband needed to go to the store.

But they're so at odds with each other that they'd rather call me.

Then have me talk to each other for them.

At this point I just wanna block people on my phone and say:

Figure it out.

You guys are both old enough to figure it out.

I haven't done that.

It's a thought.

Not something I've done.

I Was Gonna Get Around to It

We worked through it.

My husband was telling me that he's upset and frustrated that the kid won't talk to him.

Won't interact with him unless he really wants something.

And I'm listening.

Trying to be understanding.

Then I asked my husband:

How long have you been awake?

Mind you?

It's six o'clock my time.

Eight o'clock their time.

I was thinking maybe my kid was like:

He's sleeping.

I don't want to wake him up.

My husband says something to the effect of:

I've been awake for the last three hours.

And I thought:

But I didn't hear from you.

He said:

"Well, I was gonna get around to it."

"I was gonna call you when I was cooking dinner."

Then he asked if I was okay.

Yeah.

I was just wondering.

I kind of left the conversation at that.

Said I was gonna come in and eat my own lunch-dinner.

But the more it sat with me?

The more it bothered me.

It's Not That He Has to Call Me First Thing

It's not that my husband has any requirement to get up and call me.

Or message me first thing in the morning.

I think what made me feel inadequate in this situation was that there are plenty of guys who will.

Who do.

Boyfriend is quick to get up in the morning and send me a good morning message.

It's our thing.

I've talked about it before.

He's sent me good morning messages for the last 15 years straight.

Like clockwork.

We have the same conversations every morning.

Not only have I come to expect it?

I appreciate it.

Because I know he's always going to check in with me.

When I Say Morning, You're Supposed to Say Morning Back

My other friend out in Kansas?

He's quick to tell me good morning.

As a matter of fact, the other day he and I got into an argument because he said morning and I didn't respond back.

I was sleeping.

When I did respond?

I didn't respond with morning.

I just answered the next question he'd asked.

So he was like:

No.

That's our thing.

When I say morning, you're supposed to say morning back.

We went back and forth on that too.

It wasn't the most playful argument.

But here are two people who are just like:

No.

The first thing I'm gonna do is check in on you.

And my husband's mindset?

I'll get to you when I get to you.

Maybe I'm Just Not Worth It to Him

My first thought is to persuade myself why that's the way it is.

That's just how his brain works.

It's okay.

It doesn't mean anything.

But then there's that nagging thought in the back of my head.

I know he's on his phone the entire time.

I know he is.

It doesn't take much effort to say good morning.

Or hello.

But for him?

That wasn't where his mindset was.

He was going to get to me eventually.

And that's when all the other doubts creep in.

Because I remember when you did this with so-and-so.

With that person you did that.

You were okay with messaging them then.

And I start to wonder if maybe I'm just not worth it to him.

If maybe it's something wrong with me that causes him to be so distant.

There's This Boulder Wedged Between Us

It's not a conversation I have with him.

Because I know if I go to have the conversation?

It's gonna end up in a fight.

He's gonna get upset.

That's not how he feels.

That's not what he was thinking.

We've had this conversation before.

I'm sick of having this conversation.

We keep having this conversation.

So I'm stuck between this rock and this hard place.

Because for me?

It's still there.

It doesn't get absolved.

It doesn't go away.

It doesn't wash away.

I can't make that mountain move.

So I'm on this side of the mountain saying:

Hey.

Can we figure out how to work together to get it moved?

And he's like:

Well, we've already talked about it.

It didn't move.

So I'm not talking about it to move it again.

And there's this boulder.

This rock.

Wedged between us.

I feel like every day the rock gets bigger somehow.

And I don't know how to diminish it.

Maybe We'll Understand Something Better This Time

I don't know how to talk to him about working with me to diminish the rock.

He's very much one of those:

We've had this conversation before.

I've said all I've had to say.

I don't have anything else on the topic.

And I'm one of those:

But feelings change.

Thoughts change.

Maybe we'll understand something better this time.

Maybe we could do something different this time.

He's not like me in that manner.

And I always make it an internal thing.

Somehow that's on me.

Versus:

That's just who he is.

Why Do I Internalize All the Things?

Then I wonder why I do that.

Why do I internalize all the things that happen?

Why is it always because of me?

It's my fault.

Had I done something differently?

Had I said something differently?

Had I approached it differently?

But I'm not approaching anything.

I'm not doing something to him.

I'm simply saying:

Hey.

That's important to me.

I like to be acknowledged.

I'd like to be as close as possible to the first thing on your mind.

I know it's not realistic for me to be the first thing on your mind.

And I don't want that to be the case.

But I'd like to think that when you pick up your phone?

Your first thought is to check in on your wife.

What If Something Happened to Me?

My friend pointed out:

He doesn't have your location.

You could just be dead in a ditch somewhere.

Yeah.

I could be.

And he wouldn't know.

Every time I've felt inadequate in my life?

That has always been the loudest thought.

What if I disappeared?

What if something happened to me?

And I don't mean disappear like I hurt myself.

I mean heaven forbid I'm in an accident.

I'm kidnapped.

Something nefarious happens.

Who would know?

How would anybody know?

If today I passed out and ended up in the emergency room?

Who would know?

Who would care to know?

What Do You Have in Place?

You get a lot of:

I would care.

I'd want to know.

I'd be there for you.

How?

What do you have in place to make sure that if something were to happen to me?

You'd be notified?

You'd get that answer that:

Hey.

There's something wrong.

You need to be by her bedside.

I don't know how many people in my life I have like that.

And it makes me sad.

It makes me feel unimportant.

Because for some people?

They have those contacts.

Those plans in place.

So if something were to happen?

They could count on someone to be there.

In the event of this emergency?

I'm gonna ride or die.

I'm gonna be by your side.

I don't care if I have to take a boat, train, or plane.

I'm going to be there.

You Call Me

For me?

I don't know who I would call.

I don't know who I would have them call.

I don't know that anyone they could call would actually show up.

And I say that knowing Boyfriend would be there in a heartbeat.

I told him that same thing.

I was like:

Hey.

I was just gonna go to the emergency room the other day.

I knew you were busy because you had all the sports things.

And he was like:

"That's not more important."

"You call me."

And I was like:

Well, no.

Because you have your own—

When did I decide that I was so inadequate?

So unimportant?

That if I ended up in the hospital, people would choose football games over me?

I Am Somebody's First Choice

How do I keep letting myself be reminded or confirming that that's the case when it's not?

Yes.

For my husband?

I was not the first thing on his mind this morning.

I was not the first person he reached out to talk to.

And that's okay.

That's his choice.

That's his decision.

I am somebody's first choice.

Somebody wants to be the first person they talk to.

And it feels good.

I'm not inadequate.

I'm just not what I want to be to some people.

One Person Doesn't Make Me Inadequate for Everybody

It's taken me some time to accept that just because that person doesn't see me the way I want them to see me?

Doesn't mean I don't exist as that person.

I may not be what my husband wants or needs.

It's taken a long time to accept that.

I've struggled with:

I'm probably not what he wanted.

I'm probably far from what he currently wants and needs.

Sometimes I wonder if we're married just because we said I do ten years ago.

Not necessarily because we feel like we should be married now.

But that doesn't mean I'm not desired.

That I'm not wanted.

It just means he doesn't feel that way about me.

And that one person feeling that way about me?

Doesn't make me inadequate for everybody.

You Have to Boyfriend Me at Night

I'm learning what my standards are.

What I'm wanting out of life.

So I tell Boyfriend that he has to boyfriend me at night.

And we laugh.

Because again?

When I talk to him, I've got these code things that I say.

You have to boyfriend me at night.

Which means he tells me goodnight.

And that he loves me.

I don't ask my husband to husband me.

Mainly because I don't think that's something he would remember to do.

I don't know if that's something he would enjoy doing.

For him?

It's a given that he feels that way.

So he shouldn't have to keep reminding me.

That Was Never Enough. It's Not That I'm Not Enough.

I'm learning that sometimes it's not that I'm inadequate.

It's that my standards have lessened for some people more than they should have.

And it's okay to say:

Hey.

That was never enough.

It's not that I'm not enough.

The situation just was never enough.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I woke up happy.

And for a moment?

I almost let that happiness go away.

Because instantly I felt inadequate.

I was gonna let that ruin the whole day I had.

But I didn't.

I said:

Again.

He's entitled to feel the way he feels.

That doesn't make me less than.

And I'm so proud of myself for not letting it just weigh on me and ruin my whole day.

I got to talk to my friends.

I plan on relaxing today.

I was supposed to do laundry.

Go for a walk.

I convinced myself to take a nap instead.

I'll probably do that tonight or tomorrow.

I get to go to church with my sister, who invited me.

I reached out to my aunt today.

I've done great things.

And I'm gonna give myself credit for the things I've done.

Because I deserve that.

I deserve to pat myself on the back when I've done something good.

Versus beating up on myself when I didn't meet my expectations.

If you're out there and you're feeling inadequate because somebody doesn't treat you the way you think you should be treated?

Or they don't want you the way you want to be wanted?

Or need to be wanted?

I need you to remember that it's not your inadequacy.

It's their inability to love you or treat you the way your standards and boundaries have set.

That's a them thing.

Not a you thing.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Bored Me: No One Can Tell Your Story Like You Can

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever started a new job and had to do all those crazy trainings?

You know, the ones about slipping and falling?

Or HIPAA?

Or the ones that just replay at every job?

Today, I started a second job in the same field that I work in.

And all of the training is exactly the same.

I'm Being Paid to Be Bored

Which, like, I understand.

Just because it's my time to do it again doesn't mean that everybody else is due to do it.

But one of the things they asked me during my interview was what I had experience with.

That.

And that.

And that.

Well, you're gonna take CPR training.

I'm CPR and AED certified.

CPI certified.

I know how to use your program already.

I'm good.

And yet today I sat at my desk and did the same trainings as people who are brand new.

But I can't really complain about it.

Because while I'm bored?

I'm being paid to be bored.

And it's a nice refresher.

I can acknowledge that.

I can acknowledge that while I'm not learning new things, I'm refreshing on things that I'd learned before.

But man.

How do you keep from pulling your hair out when you're sitting through a session like that?

I Was Doing Everything I Could to Stay Focused

The first hour was orientation.

Which meant I had to listen to someone talk to me for an hour.

And I was doing all I could to keep focused.

But I could not focus.

It was me eating a bag of gummy bears.

Me fidgeting.

Me looking at my phone.

Me trying to do anything I could to appear that I was interested in this presentation.

I wasn't.

And then the usual me kicks in.

I get bored.

I get annoyed.

Because I'm getting the same information over and over again.

Can We Please Stop?

It's the reason why I haven't finished college.

I love certain aspects of school.

Love taking new classes.

Love learning.

Love learning new things.

What I don't love?

Repeating the same things I already know how to do.

Take an English course.

I don't need to take another English course.

I think I'm pretty sufficient at writing a paragraph.

A thesis.

A main idea.

Supporting evidence.

We've been doing that since elementary school.

Can we please stop?

No.

No, we can't.

Okay.

I thought, well, let's take another biology course.

But we did that in high school.

Biology.

Yes, certain things have changed.

But the things that they're learning?

They haven't.

So I get bored really quickly.

If it's not challenging?

Then I want nothing to do with it.

And I find that that's where the problems begin.

I've Never Met a Stranger

In elementary school, I was a talker.

Chatty Cathy.

And my teacher was like:

Hey.

We'll just move her seat.

No.

I've never met a stranger.

You move my seat?

I'm just gonna make a new friend.

I'm gonna find somebody else to joke and talk with.

And I keep telling myself:

Okay.

This is a new job.

We're gonna be serious.

We're gonna be grown-ups about it.

We're not going to make jokes that are inappropriate.

Guys.

I'm at a middle school.

I Need an Adultier Adult Than Me

The kids were playing a game today.

They had to put their little names on the board through their computers.

What did the kid name himself?

Dill Doe.

How am I supposed to be the mature one?

How am I supposed to look at that and not laugh?

But I kept it together.

I kept my composure.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm the adult.

Or how I made it to be the adult.

I need an adultier adult than me.

Someone who maybe has a maturity level that supersedes my own.

I am a millennial, if nothing else.

We are the most unserious generation.

I'm surprised we've made it as far as we have.

Because we don't know how to take anything seriously.

Mainly because we're still crying that our lives are the way they are.

We've gone through so much.

And we're still just like:

And we're still here?

We're still doing this?

It's not over yet?

Okay.

Well, we'll just enjoy the ride.

However bumpy it is.

And that's what I'm doing.

Enjoying the ride.

Even when I'm bored to tears.

I Signed Up to Do It

I am excited about my new job, though.

I've made a beautiful schedule so that I'll be working Monday through Friday all day.

Don't know necessarily why I decided I needed to have two jobs.

Because I didn't.

But I wanted it.

So I did.

Then I sat down to do my second job.

And all I could think was:

I really didn't want to work today.

So I have to get those two ideas to coincide with each other.

I may not want to do it.

But I signed up to do it.

Therefore?

I have to do it.

And I think it'll be more interesting when I'm hands-on.

I'm really good when I'm hands-on at work.

But if you tell me to sit there and listen to something drone at me for hours and hours?

That's not gonna work.

Whenever My Journal Writing Is Done, I'm Done

Which I think is why my podcast is done the way that it is.

If you've noticed, for the most part, my podcasts are under 20 minutes.

One, I don't think anybody wants to hear somebody drone on for that long.

I recognize that there are people who are fantastic and interesting.

I don't give myself the credit for that.

I think 20 minutes is fairly solid.

And I don't even have to keep it at 20 minutes.

Whenever my journal writing is done?

I'm done for the day.

We All Have TikTok Attention Spans

I don't know when it got so bad.

And I think that's kind of the crux of the world at this point.

We all have TikTok attention spans.

We could listen to a 30-second video and we're just like:

Bored.

Go to the next.

Versus taking the time to really immerse ourselves into whatever we're learning or looking at.

And getting deep into it.

I think that's what I miss most.

She Was Buried in a Book

I used to be an avid reader.

Loved reading.

Still love reading.

I just haven't done it the way that I wish I could do it.

I wish I could just curl up with a book and get lost in a world.

Being back in California actually makes me miss it just that much more.

I am sentimental.

I don't live too far from where I grew up.

I really would like to go out there and go to the library.

I grew up at this library.

I used to walk there every Saturday to get a bazillion books.

And I would read them as I walked back.

I was that talented.

To read and walk.

I miss that part of me.

She wasn't bored.

She was buried in a book.

She thought she was some of the characters in the books that she read.

And it was fun.

Now I'm Writing and Becoming a Character

But now?

Instead of reading and becoming a character?

I'm writing and becoming a character.

It's a different twist.

I thought it would be harder to sit down and write.

And I'm not saying it's easy by any stretch of the imagination.

But I find that when I actually take the time to sit down and write?

It comes just as naturally as sitting down to read.

And I think that's where my basis comes from for my books.

It's where my basis comes from for my journals.

Everybody has a story.

Every night you guys hear me tell you that it's just another page.

That's because I truly believe that everybody has a story.

Every Day You Get to Decide How That Page Is Gonna Go

And every day it changes.

Every day you get to decide how that page is gonna go.

Sometimes we wake up and that page is already just:

Nah.

It's a bad day.

It's broody outside.

I'm not gonna get out of bed.

It's just dark.

Which in a book?

That's not always a bad thing.

Because you like some contrasting events.

If everything was all happy-go-lucky?

That's not really a book you'd wanna read.

Even Mary Poppins had some twists and turns.

I enjoy the fact that I get to learn my story.

And other people's stories.

No One Can Tell It Like You Can

When I wrote my journals, I wrote them with questions in mind.

Questions that would evoke thought.

That would evoke the story that's in you.

Because again?

No one can tell it like you can.

I may be a part of your story.

But I haven't walked through your story the way that you have.

Even as I sit here and talk about my experiences?

My thoughts?

My process of things?

Some of you agree with me.

But I know that even though you agree with me, you still see it differently.

You still experienced it differently than me.

And I think that's what makes your story unique.

But also what makes the world unique.

We could have similar lived experiences.

But they're still gonna be different.

Because we're all gonna be affected by them in a different way.

I Just Want to Hear People Pour Out Their Stories

I think if I could just sit down and pick people's heads all day long?

I would love it.

And not in an:

I'm your therapist, so I can tell you that's not right.

Or that doesn't make sense.

I just want to hear people pour out their stories.

I remember sitting as a kid at my great-grandmother's house.

I remember her telling us about our history.

She was talking about slavery and where that fell in our line of family lineage.

And I listened.

I was fascinated.

But I didn't pay close attention.

Because we were visiting.

I had cousins to play with.

My thought process was:

Okay.

Are you done so we can get outside and play?

But older me appreciates what she was trying to show me.

Older me wishes I would've paid more attention.

Wrote things down.

Thought about it some more.

Everybody has an interesting story.

And I think there are so many hidden layers to it.

Our life story.

How it's turning out.

How we want it to be.

Who we are.

Who we were.

Your Story Is Important. You're Important.

I know there are a lot of people who sit and think:

No.

Not me.

I don't have an interesting story.

I'm just boring.

I'm not worth it.

No one can tell your story like you can.

Your story's important.

You're important.

And I wish I could somehow dig into your brain.

Into your soul.

Into your heart.

And show you just how important you are.

I know what it's like to feel unworthy.

Unloved.

Unwanted.

Not good enough.

And I am challenging those thoughts.

I'm challenging those thoughts for me.

I'm challenging those thoughts for you.

I want us to look at ourselves and think:

Damn.

We did good.

We made it.

Even if it's just through the day.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I went to my first job.

Had a great day.

Made the whole commute home in, like, record timing.

Came home and got straight to work.

Got off work.

Went straight to my podcast.

I am feeling productive.

I am feeling like I'm accomplishing things.

I'm excited for things to come.

I reached out and asked about an old friend.

Got to message him today.

See what happens with that.

I'm a little excited.

A little nervous.

We grew up together.

So it's really interesting when you get a blast from the past.

He and I were really great friends growing up.

I'd love to see where his life has led.

What's he up to?

What's he doing?

He said he was tired and working recently.

So I'm gonna see if I can get him out of the house.

Maybe we can go do something together.

Doing Something Different Makes Life Better

Doing something different makes life better.

And I say that as somebody who loves routine.

So if you're sitting at home and you're bored to tears because you're watching some training?

Or because there's nothing to do on a Friday night?

Or you're like me and just don't like going out, although you want to go out?

It's a whole complicated mess.

It's okay.

We'll just hang out.

We'll watch movies.

What's your favorite type of movie?

I am a scary-movie kind of girl.

So I'm thinking:

Darken the room.

Throw on the TV.

Eat some chips.

Relax.

Celebrate that my week went better than I thought it was going to.

And then I'm gonna take my own advice.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Elated Me: I Didn't Have to Sacrifice Myself to Make Other People Smile

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever had plans to do something and were just unsure how it was gonna go?

Like you knew that you had to do these things.

You were nervous about it.

And yet you still hoped they went well.

So I started my job today.

I Finally Started My Job

Yesterday we talked about how I was jittery.

I was nervous.

I didn't know if the kid was gonna like me or how I was gonna be perceived.

I didn't know what to wear.

I didn't know what to pack.

And so last night I sat here on my phone and on my computer probably way longer than I needed to.

I think I was just trying to keep my mind off of everything that was going on.

But eventually I got ready for bed.

And I was able to lay down and go right to sleep.

When my alarm went off this morning?

I was surprised at how easily I woke up.

I'm a Mom Before Anything Else

I had plans for how I was gonna do my morning.

Get dressed.

Get ready to go.

Then my kiddo and my husband were messaging me because my kiddo was having a hard morning.

That pushed my start time back.

But I'm a mom before anything else.

So I took care of that.

Put that fire out.

Then I got up and got dressed.

While I didn't leave when I wanted to leave this morning?

I still got out of the house at a pretty decent time.

I Was Already There, but Somehow I Was Late

I got out of the house.

Drove to work.

Got to work early.

Everything was falling into place so nicely.

I had breakfast.

I got to work.

And I couldn't find parking at all.

Mind you, I showed up to work at 7:45 this morning knowing I started at 8:15.

I was like:

Hey.

I have time to go get breakfast.

Went and got breakfast.

Got back.

Could not find parking.

So then I panicked.

Drove around.

Got really frustrated.

Because now I was late, essentially, for a time that I was supposed to already be there.

Although I was already there.

Then I finally parked my car.

And I was like:

If I have to move it?

I'll move it later.

And I went inside.

Everyone Was So Nice and Welcoming

Hi.

How are you?

Yes, we've been waiting for you.

Okay.

Well, let's do this.

I met my kiddo.

I met the people I needed to work with.

And my expectation and what actually happened?

Didn't match up.

That wasn't actually a bad thing.

Because I walked in expecting the worst.

I expected that I would have to deal with loads of behaviors.

All kinds of things.

That's my job.

I work with children on the spectrum.

We've learned to expect the unexpected.

And then expect some more.

Today Was Calm and It Was Fun

I was prepared.

I wore running shoes.

An outfit I could move in if I had to.

And that's not how today went.

Today was calm.

It was fun.

The teachers I got to meet were nice.

It was just a good day.

The drive into work wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be.

I have like an hour commute.

It's not actually an hour commute.

It's like 70 miles away.

But because it's the Bay Area?

Everything takes super long with traffic.

I had an hour commute coming back.

Blasted my music.

Sang at the top of my lungs.

Danced in my car while going over the bridge.

It was a really good day.

I Could Do This. I Could Make This Work.

I do need to figure out the details of how to make my day work.

Because I didn't eat lunch today.

Again, my thought process was:

I don't want to lose my parking spot.

I don't know where to go.

I don't want to be late.

So I just kind of sat in the lounge and scrolled on my phone.

But not in an I need to be distracted kind of way.

Just in an:

I could do this.

I can make this work.

And I had a really good day.

I smiled.

I laughed.

It felt good to get out of the house and go to work.

I've been dying to go to work.

Things were falling into place.

That was my day.

Nice.

Simple.

There's a piece of hair that's bugging me now.

Nice and simple.

Quick.

Easy.

My Podcast Is Equally as Important as My Day Job

I got my schedule.

My schedule's a bit wonky.

So I have to figure out where the podcast fits into it.

Because my podcast is equally as important as my day job.

It's my journal.

I'm still writing in it every night.

So I've gotta figure out where that happens in my day.

But I have plans to make sure it happens.

And I have plans to make sure I go to the gym.

I know that's gonna take the first spot in the morning.

Get up.

Go to the gym.

Then get ready for work.

For Once, Things Don't Feel Like They're Falling All Around Me

I've had this outlook that's bright and positive.

I'm excited.

I can't wait for everything to come together.

For once?

I don't feel like things are falling all around me.

It's nice.

It's peaceful.

And it makes me happy.

I'm waiting for dinner.

Because I don't know if I'm going to go get dinner with a friend.

Or if I'm just gonna order dinner here and go to bed.

The night's young.

It's only 6:30 here.

Plenty of time to decide before I wind down and prepare for tomorrow.

I Needed a Win Like This

I needed a day like this.

I needed a win like this.

Because I've been stressing about all the things I can't control.

And I'm really good at that.

I see a problem.

And my immediate thought is to fix it.

Not all problems can be fixed.

But because it's a problem?

I fixate on fixing it.

Which only makes my frustration worse.

So to have a day where it's just easygoing and relaxing?

The weather was gorgeous.

Actually, it was kind of hot today.

It was just what I needed.

I needed the chance to just be.

Smile.

Relax.

And I got that.

So Many Things Are Just Coming Together

I'm excited for this weekend.

That means I have the time off.

But also?

I think I'm gonna arrange some time with my family.

I'm excited about that.

So many things are just coming together.

And I'm ready to see where it goes.

I have some secret projects working in the back.

Because heaven forbid I should not take on extra work.

Right?

They're not really secrets.

I'm just waiting to see how they play out before I announce them.

And that's been my day.

When I should have relaxed?

Of course I did more stuff.

Hey. Work-Life Balance.

I will be working two jobs.

So I'm kind of excited about that.

I decided to set my schedule to where I work Monday through Friday.

My weekends?

They're my time with my friends and my family.

I'm putting forth a plan that says:

Hey.

Work-life balance.

And I'm not really good at that.

In the past?

I would have worked myself to death.

So for me to say:

Hey.

Your time is important to you.

It's growth on my part.

I'm Looking Forward to Learning More About Myself

I'm looking forward to learning more about myself.

I'm looking forward to smiling more.

Dancing more.

Singing more.

I'm looking forward to making friends.

I've decided I'd like to find a church while I'm out here.

We'll see how that goes.

I grew up religious.

I'm not as religious as I once was.

And that's just because there have been some concepts of things where I'm like:

That doesn't make any sense.

I don't know how that works.

I Question All the Things

I question all the things.

I've always questioned all the things.

That's who I am.

And I've found that at church?

They don't like for you to question all the things.

So I'm very cautious about putting my faith and my trust into something that doesn't make sense.

I just need it to add up.

Mathematics is my favorite subject.

Because things just add up.

I'm looking forward to exploring new avenues while I'm out here.

I'm Enjoying This Experience

I've been thinking about getting a tattoo.

I know my mom doesn't want me to.

She's like:

It's your body.

It was made by Christ.

I understand that.

It's not a big tattoo.

It's just a small one that I want.

Which is odd for me because I don't like needles.

I am just growing as a person.

And I know that I'm growing as a person.

I'm enjoying this experience.

I'm learning new things about me.

Things that I'm surprised by.

I can do harder things than I thought I could.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I smiled all day today.

I interacted with kiddos that weren't the one I was working with.

I interacted with teachers.

I was able to make other people smile today.

And I didn't have to sacrifice myself to do it.

I think that's the big one.

I am great at making people smile if I can sacrifice myself.

Today?

We all just smiled because it was a good day.

So if you're having a great day?

I love that for you.

If you're having a day where you're struggling and it's harder to get through it?

That's okay too.

You're more than welcome to be here in the circle.

I have days like that too.

I have days that are hard and difficult to get out of bed.

Where nothing seems to make sense.

Up and down.

Right and wrong.

All jumbled together.

I'm here for that.

I'm here to talk to you about it.

I'm here to listen to you.

No judgment.

This will be a judgment-free zone always.

Because life is hard enough without someone judging you for things that are just human nature.

That's all I got for today, guys.

Short.

Sweet.

To the point.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Jittery Me: I Should Have Done What's Best for Me, and I Did Just That

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

How do you handle being nervous about something that you probably shouldn't be nervous about?

Like, how do you plan around being over-anxious about something that you know you shouldn't be anxious about?

Guys.

It finally happened.

I have a start date for my job.

I start tomorrow.

At a different school than I was expecting.

And I think somehow that has made me more jittery than before.

Because while I thought I knew what to expect?

Now I don't.

So Many Unknowns

Still the same job.

Still working with a child.

Still a behavior technician.

But so many unknowns.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to be at work at 8:15.

That's when I'm gonna get my schedule.

And I'm worried about what to wear.

What time to leave my house.

Who I'm gonna meet.

If they're gonna like me.

If the kid's gonna like me.

It's all running through my head.

Which is interesting.

Because in all the years I've been working?

It's very rare that I work with people I don't like.

And when I say rare?

I mean I usually get along with most people.

It's just who I am.

I laugh.

I play.

I get along nicely.

Every once in a while?

There's the person who just wants to be difficult.

I have no control over that.

But for the most part?

I've never met a person I couldn't be friends with.

So Why Am I So Nervous?

What do I think is gonna happen?

My theory?

I'm gonna walk in.

The kid's gonna hate me.

Because the kid hates me?

I'm not gonna be able to do my job correctly.

Then I'm gonna get fired.

Then I won't be able to pay my bills.

Then I won't be able to pay rent.

Then I'm gonna have to figure out somewhere to live.

Or get back home.

And it's all gonna fail.

Because heaven forbid?

It'd just be one thing at a time.

Hey.

Let's just see how tomorrow goes.

I Played It Low and Slow

Today?

Because I knew I was jittery already?

I played it low and slow.

I sat in bed.

Talked to friends.

Talked to my spouse.

Did some things on the internet.

More of that to come.

Did some laundry.

I just had a slow day.

Because I knew overexerting myself?

Would just cause me more problems.

I even have plans to eat something I generally like for dinner.

Mexican food.

Because that is my comfort food.

Then I'm going to bed early.

Or at least?

I'm going to attempt to go to bed early.

I Can't Plan for the Nerves

Even with all that?

I can't plan for the nerves that are gonna keep me up tonight.

Or the nerves I'm gonna have driving to work tomorrow.

I just kind of have to sit in it.

And I think that's the worst part about dealing with any sort of emotion or mental health.

It's not that the feelings themselves are bad.

I can handle being upset.

I can handle being scared.

I can handle being nervous.

It's having to sit in the nervousness.

Sit in the sadness.

Sit in the anger.

The hurt.

That's what bothers me.

Because as I sit in it?

I create all sorts of things that don't need to exist.

See That Stretch?

I'm nervous about a kid not liking me tomorrow.

And I liken that to:

Getting fired.

Not being able to pay my bills.

Not having a way back home.

See that stretch?

I don't know if I'm more afraid to fail or succeed.

Let's say tomorrow goes really great.

I make all the friends.

The kid adores me.

I do my job well.

They want me to stay.

What do I do?

Do I stay?

Do I go?

I have a whole family back home.

Friends back home.

And I'm nervous about all the decisions that I don't need to make right now.

I Hyperfocus

That's how that works.

I hyperfocus.

It's really interesting because in my field?

It's known for children to hyperfocus on one thing.

It's part of the diagnosis.

They like what they like.

They cling to what they like.

That's their comfort thing.

They attach to it.

And I think that's one of the reasons I do my job so well.

I can relate to the idea of finding something to get attached to?

To make life easier.

I'm Taking My Pens

So I'm hoping tomorrow?

I get up at a decent time.

Treat myself to Starbucks.

Probably not my favorite drink.

Because the last thing I need is to show up with my throat closing.

But something similar.

Take deep breaths.

I'm planning on going early.

So I can sit in my car and freak out longer.

Gather my stuff together.

I am going to work.

And I have no idea what to pack.

For me?

My comfort item is pens.

I know I'm taking pens with me.

I know I will not need a bag full of pens.

But I will have a bag full of pens.

Because while some kids have their fidget spinners?

Chewies?

Ropes?

Me?

I depend on my pens.

So they are most definitely coming with me.

I'd Rather Worry About That

Then I will stress about someone trying to touch them.

Use them.

Take them from me.

But I'd rather worry about that?

Than not have my safety item nearby.

To click.

Play with.

Soothe me.

The thing about having big feelings?

Is learning how to navigate big feelings.

And that can be a hard process in and of itself.

Slowly but surely?

I'm learning what sets those feelings off.

And how to soothe them.

Let's Not Avoid My Feelings

I'm jittery today.

Okay.

Great.

So maybe I lay low.

Instead of doing all the things I wanted to do.

I wanted to write.

I wanted to visit my parents.

I wanted to hang out.

Let's not avoid my feelings.

Let's just say:

Hey.

Let's productively handle them.

And so I did.

That's how I plan on handling tomorrow too.

Kids Are Cruel

Right now?

It's planning what to wear.

I'm working at a middle school, guys.

Kids are cruel.

So I have no idea what I'm going to wear.

My go-to?

Leggings.

Long top.

Easiest.

But kids are mean to adults and kids alike.

So I'm prepared for whatever happens.

I thought about wearing a dress.

Because first impressions matter.

But also?

I don't know how my kiddo's gonna be.

I don't really wanna chase a kid down in a dress.

All the Things I Don't Need to Worry About

That's just it.

All the things I don't need to worry about?

Are floating around in my head.

They're telling me they're important.

That I have to decide on them.

Then I need a plan.

Then I need a backup plan.

In case those plans fail.

It's never-ending.

Yes.

We could practice grounding skills.

Stop.

Take deep breaths.

And that works for a little while.

I can reset myself every few moments doing that.

But overall?

I need something that says:

Hey.

Your nervous system needs to just relax.

Let's Go to the Gym in the Morning

My thought was:

Hey.

Let's go to the gym in the morning.

You are already panicked about your day?

You're gonna add more to it.

That is right up my alley.

How many times have you done that?

How many times have you said:

I've got this thing stressing me out.

Bothering me.

So let me add all the other things on this exact same day that'll make it worse.

I am infamous for that.

If I'm Busy Enough, I Don't Have to Process

I do that with the intent that if I'm overly busy?

I don't have time to process what's going on.

And in a way?

It works.

Because if you're over-consumed by everything you're doing?

You don't have time to process.

But also?

You don't have time to do anything.

You can't stop.

You can't think.

You can't eat.

Because you've planned your day so tightly?

Just so you can avoid feeling.

The Feelings Just Pile Up

If we're being realistic?

The feelings don't stop because we're busy.

They just pile up.

Like a traffic jam.

So when you finally stop?

You have this whole line of cars just kind of crashed into each other.

Now you have to deal with all of them at once.

Versus maybe that one car?

That was just driving too slowly because the wheel was coming off.

I don't know how to do that.

I don't know how to master the art of handling one thing at a time.

I Should Have 15 Jobs

I think:

My gosh.

I have free time.

The best way to handle this free time?

Load it up with all the things.

I should have 15 jobs.

All these friends I want to talk to.

All these people I wanna help.

Then I should start a business.

Read a book.

Do a song.

I don't like to give myself time to be me.

And I think that's been the biggest thing I've learned in the last three weeks.

Sitting here in this room.

Writing in my journal.

I Don't Know How to Be With Me

I don't know how to be with me.

I don't know how to handle the idea of living with my thoughts.

Living with myself.

By myself.

I was worried doing that meant I would instantly spiral.

End up in a hospital.

Guys?

I haven't done that.

Have there been rough days?

Absolutely.

We've talked about them.

I show you whenever they happen.

But I've handled them.

And I've handled them much better than I thought I would.

I'm Putting in the Work

I'm putting in the work.

I've put in the work.

I'm still putting in the work.

Today I signed up for my insurance.

And I know that with signing up for insurance?

I get to go back to therapy.

And I am a whole bunch of feelings when it comes to that.

I know it's necessary.

I know it's important.

I know it's helpful.

But I'm really sad about what happened with me and my last therapist.

And I'm finding it hard to trust somebody.

To talk to them about everything that's going on.

Because of how that ended.

You Can Know You Need Something and Still Not Want It

It's interesting.

How you can know you need something?

And still not want to use it.

I know I'm gonna have to make a med appointment.

I'm on meds.

I'll probably be on meds for the rest of my life.

And I hate it.

With a burning passion.

I don't like feeling like I have to take medicine to be normal.

And I recognize people are gonna say:

No, no, no.

That's not what that means.

I have a chemical imbalance in my head.

I literally take medicine to be normal.

I Want to Be Me

I don't like it.

I want to be me.

And the pills make me not me.

They make me a better me.

Theoretically.

But they make me not me.

And all I desire to be?

Is me.

So now I have to open up old wounds.

Tell a therapist all the things I've been working on.

That I haven't actually been working on.

Coping skills.

DBT skills.

All the things they're gonna say:

You should use.

And I'm gonna be like:

Yeah.

I know.

It's Easier to Avoid It

But it's easier to avoid it.

And lately?

Friends and family have been asking if maybe I have more things going on with me than we've acknowledged.

People are wondering if I'm ADHD.

Whether I'm partly autistic myself.

Everybody's like:

You should get tested.

You should find out.

You should check.

Why don't you want to?

There's nothing wrong with it.

And I know that.

It's Not the Diagnosis I'm Worried About

I know there's nothing wrong with being diagnosed with anything.

It's not the diagnosis that I'm worried about.

It's the result.

The:

Okay.

You have this.

Let's medicate you some more.

No.

I don't want to.

I don't want to be put into anybody's box more than I have to.

And as a society?

We do just that.

We box people.

Over.

And over.

And over again.

I Don't Need Any More Labels

Well, you're bipolar.

You must do this.

You're OCD.

So you must do this.

We know that's true.

Because how many times have you heard someone say:

The weather's being bipolar.

Because it was hot earlier and cold now?

That's a box I don't want to live in.

And again?

The boxes we're put in?

They're never positive.

Because having a mental illness can never be a positive thing.

She's overly anal because she's OCD.

She can't go out and do anything because she's super anxious.

I don't need any more labels.

I Can't Just Be Jamesha

I don't need any more people deciding who I am because of my diagnosis.

And I think that's what worries me most of all.

Because like we talked about yesterday?

We can't just be.

I can't just be Jamesha.

At the end of the day?

Somebody wants to tell me what I am.

Who I am.

How I am.

And I hate it.

I'm enough to deal with on my own.

I don't need you to give me more to deal with.

Well, I Knew You Were That

And yet?

The minute I take the time to go find out what's really going on with me?

That's exactly what's gonna happen.

"Well yeah, I knew you were that."

"Yeah, well, I've always seen that."

What makes looking at me obvious?

That I'm whatever you think I am?

And what exactly does that mean?

Because at the end of the day?

I'm still bending over backwards to please you.

Slap Another Label on Me

It doesn't matter.

You can acknowledge that I'm still trying my hardest to win your praise.

Your acknowledgement.

Your favor.

And despite trying my hardest?

Despite you seeing me give it my all?

It still doesn't appear to be good enough.

But hey.

Slap another label on me.

That'll explain why.

It's tough.

It's tough for me.

I don't know how everybody else handles it.

I just know for me?

There's a lot of discomfort in learning more about myself than I want to know.

In regards to diagnosis.

I Love Learning That I Can Handle More Than I Thought

I've thoroughly enjoyed writing in my journal.

Learning that I can handle more than I thought I could.

I love knowing:

Hey.

While I learned this about myself?

And I thought this originally?

Today I'm learning maybe that's not as true as I thought it was.

But the idea of being diagnosed with something else?

It makes me really sad.

The day I was diagnosed with all the things?

I cried hard.

Bawled like a baby.

Something Was Wrong With Me

I was so unhappy with the fact that something was wrong with me.

Because in our world?

The minute you have mental illnesses?

That's what's decided.

Something's wrong with you.

We've finally learned to say:

People aren't autistic.

They have autism.

You're someone with autism.

You're not autistic.

You have a thing.

That doesn't make you a thing.

There's So Much Judgment

And even still?

Look at the looks people give when a child is sitting in a restaurant screaming because they don't know how to regulate their emotion.

Or when a child is running off.

You're looking at the parent like:

Ugh.

Control your kid.

There's so much judgment.

Somehow?

Doing what suits your needs?

Even in a safe way?

A kid running around the store?

It's not gonna kill you.

But the look you're giving that mom?

Not knowing what she's going through?

That will.

I Thought I Was Doing Pretty Good Today

The judgment she has to live with when she goes home?

Simply because her child has needs that have to be met in a different way than yours?

That's gonna kill her.

Me knowing that at the end of the day your thought process is gonna be:

You should go see a therapist.

I thought I was doing pretty good today.

I thought I was handling things to the best of my ability.

I thought it was a good day.

Kills me.

We Make It Harder to Get Better

I just think we make things a lot harder to get better.

We want people to go out and get the help they need.

We want them to have these hard conversations.

We want them to open up.

Trust.

But the minute they start to do that?

We're quick to judge them for it.

Condemn them for it.

Make everything they do an excuse to who they are.

Well, you do that because you have a mental illness.

I am not my mental illness.

Jittery Is a Component of Me

Yes.

Today I sit here jittery.

Nervous.

I recognize that I'm jittery and nervous.

And I always am when I start a job.

That's a component of me.

That's not who I am.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I recognized:

Hey.

I have some big things going on.

My nervous system is saying:

It's a lot right now.

How are we gonna deal with it?

And instead of adding more to my plate?

I said:

Hmm.

Let's do something different.

Let's find another way to handle that.

And it's been a really good day.

Have the nerves dissipated?

No.

But they've lessened.

And I was able to laugh.

Joke.

That's a good day.

I'm sure somebody's gonna see this and say:

Well.

You didn't handle that the best way you could.

You should have just gone out and done—

No.

I should have done what's best for me.

And I did just that.

I took care of me.

Because sometimes?

That's all I can do.

If you're having these emotions?

And you don't know how to deal with them in the way everybody expects you to?

Find the thing that works.

Listen to your body.

Listen to your brain.

Listen to your inner thought that says:

Maybe we should handle this in a different way.

And then do it.

To the best of your ability.

I don't expect perfection.

I just expect you to try.

Just like I am.

Because that's all we can do at the end of the day.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Protective Me: I Have to Find a New Way to Protect Me

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever had things in place to soothe yourself when things are getting hard?

I'm not talking about necessarily using coping skills or self-harm.

Maybe it's something that you know is odd.

But somehow?

It still helps.

I Go Back Into This Singular Memory Block

For me?

Whenever I get really upset?

Whenever I feel really sad?

I go back into this singular memory block.

It goes back into a time where I felt the most loved.

Wanted.

Prioritized.

Appreciated.

And it instantly relaxes everything about me.

I smile.

My muscles stop being tense.

My heart relaxes.

It's like I can picture the time period so perfectly.

Last Night Was Extremely Hard for Me

Last night was extremely hard.

I did my podcast.

Then I had another conversation with my husband.

And for me?

It went poorly.

I got off the phone and decided to call a friend.

Because I knew the headspace I was in was not conducive to me just being safe.

So I called him.

And I was just word-vomiting everything.

Because I felt like I was going completely and utterly insane.

Hey.

This is what I heard.

This is what I said.

This is what he said.

What am I misunderstanding?

Where did I go wrong?

I Felt Like I Was Losing My Mind

It wasn't even so much that I went wrong somewhere.

I just felt like in the midst of all of it?

I was going crazy.

That often happens.

You have a conversation with somebody.

You know what you're talking about.

You know where it's going.

You know where it's leading.

You have a perfectly good understanding of what's going on.

And yet somehow?

They've convinced you that you don't.

Last night?

That's what it felt like.

What do you mean that's not what was said?

What do you mean that's not what I heard?

What do you mean that's not the situation?

And in the end?

He realized maybe he had taken it the wrong way.

That indeed was what I heard.

And it was correct.

But man.

The whirlwind I went through.

I felt like I was losing my mind.

I Had This Feeling of Not Belonging

So I call this friend.

I'm talking to him.

And I'm just spent.

Worked up.

Upset.

Frustrated.

I have this feeling of not belonging.

And I talk to him about it.

He calms me down enough so I can go to bed.

And I do.

But I don't go to bed in the typical way.

The:

Just lay down.

Exhaust yourself.

Sleep.

I Imagine Someone Is There With Me

I go to bed in the sense that I imagine someone's there with me.

I imagine that I'm being held.

I imagine that someone's loving on me.

I imagine that I'm safe.

And I recognize that person is no longer there.

That person who makes me feel that way no longer inhabits that spot in my life.

But something about that memory?

By itself?

Calms me down.

So last night?

I went to bed with this image of this person from my past holding me.

Loving me.

Which is great, right?

Sometimes we just need that.

Sometimes we need just a shock to the system that says:

Hey.

Things are okay.

You're fine.

You can work through this.

All I Wanted Was to Stay There

I went to bed.

And I woke up this morning.

And I recognized that the headspace had evolved.

Because now?

All I wanted to do was lay in bed with this person who isn't there.

I know he's not there.

I know it's all a figment of my imagination.

And yet?

It is so soothing to my soul.

He's there.

He's holding my hand.

He's holding me.

He's kissing me on my forehead.

He's telling me that I am loved.

That I'm okay.

It's Something I Conjure Up When My Emotions Become Too Big

It's not that I don't know he's not really here.

I can process that he's not really here.

It's not a hallucination.

It's not an imaginary friend.

It's something conjured up when my emotions become so big?

And I need to feel safe.

This morning I was in bed.

Imagining him just being there.

Encompassing me.

Arms wrapped around me.

So I could calm down.

So I could get to a place where I could remember what being happy feels like.

My Peace Was Being Interrupted by Life

Then a friend messages me.

Same person who messages me every morning.

Same person who checks on me every day.

Same conversation.

Good morning.

How are you?

And I'm responding.

But I'm annoyed that I'm getting these messages.

Because it's interrupting my peace.

In my mind?

I'm still in this very safe place.

It's just me.

The happy memories.

And they're being interrupted by life.

By life.

And it's supposed to happen.

Right?

That's reality.

Things are happening in the world.

I have to get up.

I have to do things.

I have to take care of things.

I'm not in a position to just lay in bed all day long.

It's not that I need to.

It's that I want to.

I Needed to Remember What That Felt Like

I needed to remember what it felt like to have a love so pure.

A love that was in tune to what I was needing.

In tune to what I was feeling.

And I got upset with this friend.

I said things.

Not mean things.

But things in my feelings that I normally wouldn't have said.

He's asking me how I'm doing.

What I'm feeling.

And I'm answering the question.

I'm being honest.

Honestly?

I'm not even sure why I'm talking to you.

I didn't want to talk to anybody today.

I had a whole plan.

My plan was to sit in my room.

In my bed.

In the dark.

And just enjoy my peace of mind to the best of my ability.

We All Have Expectations That Don't Get Met

And he was like:

"Well, I always want to know how you feel. I always want to know what's going on. I expect you to tell me."

And my response was:

Well.

We all have expectations, right?

That don't get met.

Again.

Yesterday we talked about me feeling like I'm just an option.

You don't even have time for me because you're so busy during your life.

But yet your expectation?

Is that I check in with you.

Tell you what I'm thinking.

What I'm feeling.

How I'm doing.

If You Want to Be a Part of My Life, Be a Part of My Life

I'm not an option.

Right?

If you want to be a part of my life?

If you want to know those intricacies of my life?

Be a part of my life.

Or else?

Don't.

I'm getting upset.

I'm getting frustrated.

Because it's just:

Look.

I'm not your responsibility.

I'm not your job.

You don't have to worry about me.

I can take care of myself.

And then he does that:

"Have you eaten today?"

"Do you plan on eating?"

No.

I don't plan on eating.

I plan on being in this bed.

All day long.

Maybe You Should Talk to a Therapist

"Well, maybe you should talk to a therapist."

Okay.

There is nothing worse than implying that I cannot process what's going on than to tell me that all of a sudden my mental health needs to be checked in somewhere.

Because again?

It wasn't that I was having a breakdown.

It was just that I was experiencing a piece that I remembered from long ago.

Let me explain it differently.

Your Dad's in the Hospital. We're Going.

I dated this guy way back when.

We had gone to the snow to play in the snow.

It was me.

Him.

And the kids.

While we were playing in the snow?

I got a phone call.

The phone call said my dad was in the hospital.

And the guy was just like:

"All right. Let's pack up. Get in the car. We're going to the hospital."

Her dad's in the hospital.

We're going.

And we did.

We drove to the hospital.

I went in.

Checked on my dad.

It was hard.

Difficult for me.

I'm Daddy's girl.

It messes with me every time.

I visited my dad.

Then we went home.

You Needed Me Here

The next day?

The girls had school.

He worked in the city.

So he gets up.

He leaves.

Goes to the city.

I get up.

Take care of the kids.

That was the relationship we had.

Except I woke up?

And he was still at home.

He wasn't supposed to still be at home.

So I asked:

What are you doing?

Why are you here?

Don't you have work?

And he looked at me and said:

"I called in today."

Why would you call in?

I don't understand.

"You needed me here."

"Your dad's in the hospital."

"I wasn't going to leave you while your dad's in the hospital."

I Didn't Have to Ask Him to Show Up

He told me:

"I'm taking the girls to school today."

"After I drop them off, I'm going to come back."

"We're gonna go visit your dad."

And we did just that.

It was that simple.

I'm called in today.

I'm staying here with you.

Because I know you're going through something.

I know it's big.

You don't have to ask me to show up.

You don't have to beg me to show up.

I'm just going to do so on my own accord.

And I loved it.

I felt it.

And I wanted more of that.

That's Where I Go When I Need to Protect Myself

When I get overwhelmed with my emotions?

I know how to protect myself.

I go back to the one time that I felt like I was a priority.

That I was loved.

That I was cared for.

I wasn't just an option.

I was someone that he wanted.

And he made sure to tell me that I was someone he wanted in every way possible.

Words.

Actions.

The way that it really matters.

Lots of times?

We have people tell us:

"I love you."

"I care about you."

"You mean a lot to me."

And then we sit back and say:

Show me.

Don't Just Tell Me. Show Up and Show Me.

Don't just tell me.

Show up and show me.

And it's so hard for people to comprehend what that means.

What that looks like.

For me?

It looked like:

"I called in."

"Your dad's in the hospital."

But I didn't ask you to.

"You didn't have to ask."

"Your family is important to you."

"You are important to me."

"Therefore, here we are."

That's nice.

I don't know what that's like.

That's an odd feeling for me.

I Was Trying to Protect My Peace

Today?

I was trying to protect my peace.

And I'm going off on this friend.

I'm like:

Look.

I'm done.

I don't need you.

And I delete the messages.

I delete the way I communicate with him.

And I settle.

I relax again.

Because I'm back in the world that I've created.

But even as I'm sitting in that world?

The fog starts lifting.

And I realize:

Okay.

I may have overreacted.

My First Reaction Was to Run Away

So I reach back out to my friend.

Hey.

I recognize I overreacted.

I'm sorry.

Here's what's going on.

I feel so caught up in not being a priority.

Not feeling loved.

Not being wanted.

Not being chosen.

I just feel broken.

I wanted someone to choose me.

And I feel like they did not choose me.

And I'm struggling with that.

So my first reaction?

Was to run away.

And the easiest place to run away?

Is my mind.

I'm Going to Protect Me the Best Way I Know How

I'm going to protect me the best way I know how.

Run away in my mind.

Do I get to physically pack up my stuff and leave?

No.

I can't.

But do I get to be where I want to be in this room?

Yes.

And I did just that.

I told him:

I just kind of want to disappear.

Not in a hurt-myself kind of way.

In a:

I just need to go somewhere where nobody knows me.

I can't hurt people who don't know me.

Right?

What Happens If You Go Off the Grid?

And he is speaking his words of wisdom like he usually is.

You've got to let a couple people know who you are.

Where you are.

Because there are people who are gonna want to know what's going on.

But even worse?

What happens if you go off the grid?

And heaven forbid?

Someone in your life that's important to you should no longer exist.

How are you going to feel when you come back from being off the grid?

And find out they're gone?

And you didn't know about it?

If It's My Dad, It's Going to Be Really Rough

I said:

Well.

If it's my dad?

It's gonna be really rough.

And his response was:

"Well, I didn't want to say that."

"But that's exactly who I was talking about."

Because I know you.

I know that if it was your dad?

You would never forgive yourself that you weren't aware of what was happening.

And that?

Changes perspective for me.

I Can Only Protect Myself So Much

Because I can protect myself in this little bubble in my room.

But going somewhere where nobody knows me?

Nobody can reach me?

That's a completely different ballgame.

I can only protect myself so much.

We talk about disappearing.

We talk about going off the grid.

And I don't think we ever talk about the consequences of those actions.

In our head?

We're doing it for everybody else.

As well as ourselves.

It's that whole:

Everyone's life would be better without me.

Type mentality.

But you never consider how you would be if you ever came back.

What If I Came Back and the Person I Loved Most Was Gone?

Today?

I was forced to think:

What would happen if I came back?

And the person I loved the most?

Was just gone?

I have to find a new way to protect me.

Running away isn't the answer.

And it may not always look like putting myself in a bubble.

He's right.

I should probably establish a therapist while I'm out here.

And work on those things.

And I plan to.

I Was Protecting My Peace

Again.

I'm not delusional.

I'm not seeing anybody in the room with me.

Nobody's there.

That's not what I'm talking about.

The idea?

Was protecting my peace.

Finding something that protects me.

Something that says:

You're safe.

You are loved.

You are worth loving.

You are worth caring for.

So I went back to the time that I felt that.

I cherished those feelings.

When they were just easy.

I didn't have to beg for them.

I didn't have to scrape for them.

They just came naturally.

How Do You Protect Yourself?

So I ask you:

How do you protect yourself?

What do you do when it's so bad that you need to lift yourself up just a little bit?

Just to feel normal?

How do you process that?

Do you go to a safe place?

I used to tell my kids when they were stressed out after therapy:

Hey.

I need you to go to a safe place for you.

Go wherever it makes you happy.

I'm Up in the Trees Eating Candy

I had one kid.

Love her dearly.

She was like:

"I'm up in the trees."

"I'm swinging from limb to limb."

"Eating candy."

Girl.

Do you.

If that's where you have to be to feel good?

Up in those trees you go.

Find Your Protective Spot

Sometimes?

We have to go where it protects us the most.

That looks different for everybody.

Find your protective spot.

Somewhere you can go just long enough to get the strength to come back and face the world.

You deserve that.

You deserve to go back to that one place where everything just feels normal.

Calm.

Invokes the feelings that you wish you could have all day long.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I found my bubble.

I protected myself.

I did what I needed to do to make sure that I was okay.

And then?

When I gave myself enough strength inside that bubble?

I came back.

And I faced the world.

I had the hard conversation with my friend.

I had the hard conversation with my husband.

I went out today.

My original plan was to stay in bed and hide all day long.

I actually left the house today.

Sometimes we have to do some really interesting things to protect ourselves.

Not harmful.

Interesting.

Again?

I'm not asking you to hurt yourself.

I'm not asking you to put yourself in a situation that's unrealistic and believe that's just where you are.

If that's where your mindset is?

Please go get help.

Please reach out to somebody.

I'm simply saying:

Find something that can bring you peace in the moment.

Something you can draw strength from.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Optional Me: Tonight I Choose to Stop Making Myself an Option

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever felt in your soul that you knew something but still questioned it?

I mean like you had a question to ask somebody, but you already knew what the answer was before you ever asked.

There are so many times where I believe that I know what someone's presenting to me.

I recognize what's being given to me.

What's being offered to me.

And yet still?

I lean on the side of caution.

Maybe it's just in my head.

Maybe it's just me.

Maybe I'm just missing something.

I Ignore the Warning Signs and Hope I'm Wrong

And so in missing it?

I just kind of ignore it.

Ignore the warning signs.

Ignore the bells.

And hope that I'm wrong.

Today?

Last night?

For a while now?

I've been doing just that.

I've been believing something that I knew wasn't true.

And in believing it?

I kind of set myself up for failure.

But I don't wanna admit it.

I don't even know if it was hope.

Or trust.

Or optimism.

Versus just, as I feel right now?

Plain stupidity.

I made dumb moves.

I made dumb choices.

That's how I'm feeling at this moment.

I'm Always Worried About Pleasing Somebody Else

I am still in California.

You can tell.

Yesterday I was debating whether or not I should stay.

And I was having a really rough time trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing.

Who I'm supposed to be pleasing.

Who I'm supposed to be making happy.

And that's just it.

I'm always worried about pleasing somebody else.

And making somebody else happy.

It's been like the goal of my life.

And it hasn't served me well at all.

I do it with the hopes that it's going to repay me someday.

That somebody's going to recognize that in my life?

They're ultra important.

And that I, in turn?

Will be ultra important to them.

No.

Today I Learned the Hard Way Something I've Always Known

I'm not even sure if I can say that I learned it.

Versus I had it reiterated to me.

I had it confirmed.

I asked a friend if they wanted to get a tattoo with me.

And in asking that question?

I knew what the answer would be.

Wholeheartedly.

Knew they were gonna say no.

But it's never gonna happen, right?

I can't begin to explain why I knew the answer was no.

I just did.

You Still Haven't Answered My Question

At first the person kind of played along with it.

"What kind of tattoo are you wanting?"

And I explained that I wanted something small and simple and meaningful to me.

"Yeah, that sounds great."

And I'm like:

Yeah.

I've been nervous about it for a really long time.

But I think I want to do it.

"Yeah, you should do it."

Okay.

But you still haven't answered my question.

Do you want to get a tattoo with me?

And I kind of got one of those:

"At this time..."

Blah blah blah.

It's not even an application, bro.

Just say no.

I Expected It

I said:

Well, I figured that was gonna be the answer.

And it was kind of one of those:

"Well, not at the moment."

No.

I didn't mean disrespect by that.

I just knew no was going to be the answer.

I expected it.

It wasn't one of those:

That hurt me.

That hit me.

It was just:

Yeah.

Confirmation.

I knew that was gonna happen.

And on any other day?

I probably would have been gutted.

But so much had happened before that conversation finished taking place?

There was no room left in me.

Nothing left in me to be gutted.

I've Been Going Back and Forth on What California Means to Me

I have been going back and forth on what California means to me.

And the possibilities that it offers.

I asked my husband before I left if he wanted to go.

He didn't.

Again?

I expected that.

He's not gonna leave Kansas.

So I was like:

Okay.

Pack up.

Come out here.

Do the stuff.

All the things.

And then I've been struggling while I've been out here.

Because I just feel lonely.

I feel like something is missing.

And I don't necessarily know exactly what's missing.

I just know that it is.

I Don't Feel Like You Want Me

I've been kind of going through the motions with how to handle that.

How to survive that feeling without doing anything drastic.

Sometimes I talk to him about it.

Sometimes I bottle it up inside.

But the last few days?

I've just been kind of open about it.

Okay.

I just don't feel like you want me.

Like you need me.

Like you're interested in this anymore.

And I always get the answer:

"That's not true."

"That's just how you feel."

"That's in your head."

"That's how you build it up."

And I kind of go:

Yeah.

Okay.

I do that.

There's some truth to that.

And I shove it to the side.

Go on about my day.

What Do I Have to Do to Get Your Attention?

Yesterday we were on the phone.

We'd been on the phone for quite some time.

Watching football.

And I asked if he wanted to move to California.

I got an answer that I usually get.

And I got sad.

He was like:

"I'm not trying to make you sad."

No.

I get that.

I don't think it was his intention to make me sad.

And then I asked a question that I think has been weighing on me for quite some time.

What do I have to do to get your attention?

Mind you?

We were sitting on the phone.

We'd been on the phone for almost two hours at this point.

And my question was:

What do I have to do to get your attention?

Clearly You Have My Attention

There's a lot implied in that.

Because we are interacting with each other.

For all common-sense purposes?

Right?

And yet I still feel like I don't have his attention.

His response was:

"I've been on the phone with you for almost two hours. Clearly you have my attention."

And I knew that what I was asking and what was being responded to?

Were two drastically different things.

Not remotely the same.

And I didn't know how to explain to him what I was asking.

So I let the question go.

What Could We Do to Make You Ready to Come to California?

Eventually I got off the phone.

He went to bed.

I went to bed.

Whatever.

Then today started.

I got up with excitement because things I thought were finally working out in my favor.

I did my orientation for a job.

I emailed a couple other prospects.

I was just kind of having a good day.

I was talking through things with another friend.

Talking to my husband off and on.

And it was suggested that I ask a very specific question.

I hadn't really thought about asking it that way.

Maybe I should.

So I reached out to my husband.

Hey.

What could we do to make you ready to come to California?

What do I have to do?

We'd Have to See

He gave an answer that was perfectly sensible.

We've got our house.

We've got our kid.

We've got his job that he has to figure out.

Okay.

So if we were able to figure those three things out?

You'd be ready to come to California.

"Well, we'd have to see."

Okay.

What would we have to see?

You're telling me these are the things you would need.

And so we dive deeper into the conversation.

His reasonings are valid.

We're broke.

Our house needs to be fixed up.

We have a kid.

He has another kid.

And he just doesn't see where it would ever be feasible for us to ever move out here.

When Is It Ever Going to Be My Turn?

Okay.

When I heard that?

It broke my heart.

Because my family is out here.

I've been talking to a friend about everything that's going on.

And I was just wondering:

When was it ever gonna be my turn for us to choose to live near my family?

That doesn't seem like it's an option.

That's not something that is valued in our relationship.

So it's unlikely to happen.

And I'm talking to my friend about it.

I just thought that at some point in time we would acknowledge:

Okay.

We've done this for this long for you.

And your family.

And your needs.

We were gonna reciprocate that for the other person in our relationship.

I Knew the Answer Before I Asked the Question

And I recognize again?

I knew the answer before I asked the question.

And I often wonder why I do that to myself.

Why I know what I'm being offered.

I know what I'm being presented.

And I hold on hope for something different anyway.

People have been telling me for years where I stand.

What I mean to them.

And I always say:

Well.

Maybe that'll change someday.

Then I'm disappointed when it doesn't change.

My Heart Broke

Tonight we had that conversation.

And my heart?

It broke.

It was heavy.

I was crying.

And he kept asking me if I was okay.

Typical me?

I kept saying I was okay.

And he kept saying:

"I know you're not okay."

Yeah.

I kept trying to disassociate.

I looked outside.

Looked at the pretty flowers.

Thought about the weather.

Anything to break up the idea of processing my feelings.

That's what I do when things get really hard.

And I recognized in the moment that's what I was doing.

So I said:

You know what?

I'm going to go ahead and get off the phone.

I'm Going to Focus on Those Things While I Have the Chance

I got off the phone.

Talked to a friend about what was going on.

And I came up with a plan on how I'm gonna handle things.

Nothing extreme.

It's the same thing I've been planning for a while now.

I do my job.

I go to the gym.

I work on my business.

I work on my books.

Nothing different than what I've already said I was gonna do.

I'm just gonna focus on those things while I have the chance.

He Would Like for Me to Come Back Eventually

It's important to note that in the conversation with my husband?

He did say that he would like for me to come back.

Eventually.

Okay.

He acknowledges that he knows that's not what I want.

But he would like for me to come back eventually.

Alright.

So I'm sitting here after the phone call.

Going through the physical motions of organizing things.

Cleaning things.

Because that's what I do when I need to process.

I pick up all my stuff.

Clean up all my stuff.

Then I decide I'm going to take a nap.

Because at this point?

I'm exhausted.

Expectation and Hope Are Two Different Things

I got ready to take a nap.

Set an alarm so I could get up and do my podcast at my usual time.

Clearly that didn't work.

I put my phone on Do Not Disturb.

At that point?

I just needed to shut off the world.

I thought:

Okay.

When I wake up, I'll have people to talk to and things to deal with.

It's fine.

I'll handle that when I get up.

So I went to sleep.

And the two people I expected to hear from when I woke up?

I didn't hear from at all.

And I say expected.

But again?

I knew that was going to be the case.

I knew that.

Expectation and hoping are two different things.

I was hoping that when I woke up I would have heard from these two people.

I expected that I wouldn't.

And I didn't.

It Just Confirmed What I Already Knew

I thought that would bother me more than it did.

And no.

Again?

It just kind of confirmed what I already knew.

That for the longest time?

For many people?

I am an option.

I am one of many.

I am one of a hundred and ten.

I am one of whatever number I was with that person.

I don't hold enough significance to be anything else other than that.

They can go and find another me.

They will find another me.

And that's okay.

They have found other mes.

I'm simply an option.

I'm Not a Priority

I'm not a priority.

I'm not something to shift life for.

I'm not someone that you move mountains for.

Cross oceans for.

That's not a thing.

I'm an option.

And in my world?

I am so quick to make everybody a priority.

Or else I just don't let you in to begin with.

And I keep letting people in who make me an option.

That's Not What I'm Saying

Is it my husband's responsibility to pick up and move to California?

Absolutely not.

That's not what I'm saying.

I am saying, though, that at some point in time?

He and I should have been on the same page of what we wanted to do.

Where we wanted to go in our marriage.

For the longest time?

I had been very vocal about wanting to live closer to my family.

It's not a secret.

He does know that.

And if the going argument in that conversation was that he wanted to be closer to his family?

I understand that.

I Know That's How He Feels

To some extent?

That's kind of what he says.

He wants to be able to see his kid.

And that makes perfectly good sense.

Except he also acknowledges that he doesn't see his kid now.

The response is always because of money.

He doesn't see his kid because of money.

We don't have the sixty dollars to go see his kid.

I feel like that's neither here nor there in the argument.

Because I can refute it if I wanted to.

But I don't.

I know that's how he feels.

And that's what matters in this situation.

I've Got You in California

He's got a lot of stuff going in Kansas for him.

And I stated:

Well, that makes sense.

You've got a lot in Kansas.

And his response was:

"Well, I've got you in California."

Not really.

Right?

Yes.

I am here.

But you've already stated that you want me to come back.

This is very temporary in your mind.

I get to visit my family.

And live with yours.

Whatever family that looks like.

I get to be an option.

And I'm only an option for people when I'm doing exactly what they want.

I'm Willing to Do This for You If You Do All These Things

The guy who's supposed to be my best friend in Kansas or Missouri likes to remind me:

If you move somewhere closer to the city?

I'd move in with you.

So I have to move near you for you to make any kind of move for me whatsoever.

That keeps happening.

It's a trend.

Hey.

I'm willing to do this for you if you do all of these things.

Right.

But that doesn't help me.

I don't want to live in Kansas City.

So it doesn't make sense that I would move to Kansas City.

I'm not.

That doesn't put me any closer to my family.

Or toward the things I wanna do with my life.

But the point is?

I'm an option.

There Have Been Very Few Times I've Felt Like a Priority

I'm an option.

And there have been very few times in my life where I felt like a priority.

And I cling to those moments.

Oftentimes I go to sleep with those moments.

I lie down with those moments.

I let those moments hold me.

Comfort me.

But when did I decide that those moments should only be memories?

And not reality?

No.

That's why I'm working on it.

That's why I'm processing it.

Thinking about it.

Trying to figure out how to move accordingly.

I'm Not Making Grandiose Decisions Tonight

I'm not making grandiose decisions tonight.

I know that a lot of this is me being really deep in my feelings.

Feeling really drained.

I know that when I'm done posting all of the things everywhere?

I'll probably go back to bed.

And just be.

I won't talk to anybody about it because I don't really have anybody to talk to about it.

I guess that's saying it the wrong way.

The friend that I would talk to about it?

She's not feeling well.

I don't want to bother her.

Everybody else is busy.

Asleep.

Living their own lives.

So it's just me and my thoughts.

Sometimes I Have to Learn to Live With Just Me and My Thoughts

And sometimes?

That's okay.

Sometimes I have to learn to live with just me and my thoughts.

Tonight?

The thought is just how optional I am.

And before?

That would have caused me to do some not nice things to myself.

I don't feel that way tonight.

I don't feel like I need to disappear into the abyss.

Or not exist.

I think that I just need to find people who also think I'm worth existing.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I heard news that I knew.

And it broke my heart like I knew it would.

And I didn't react the way that I usually do.

I didn't hurt myself.

I didn't want to hurt myself.

I wanted to do the exact opposite.

I wanted to say:

Okay.

Let's focus on doing the thing that you said you were gonna do.

Let's just make the best of a situation while you're here.

It was hard.

But I can't make everybody a priority without making myself a priority for me first.

And so tonight?

I choose to stop making myself an option.

Tonight I choose to make myself a priority.

And if you're out there?

And you're feeling like you're just options for somebody?

That they're always requiring you to do what they need in order to give you an ounce of what you need?

I want you to think about it.

I want you to process:

Is that how it's supposed to be?

It's supposed to be give and take.

But if you're giving the chunk of it?

You're an option.

And that's not how that's supposed to work.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Compulsive Me: If I Want a Different Ending, I Have to Write Something Different

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Do you have certain things that you just love to do?

You love to repeat them.

You love to see them happen in the similar order that they always do?

Sometimes I like to believe that that's what I'm doing.

Simply doing something that I enjoy over and over again just because.

Something About It Feels Necessary

I know that I have a lot of idiosyncrasies that I do because I feel the need to.

I park in the same parking spot because something about it feels more than just familiar.

Necessary.

When I go to work and I'm starting a new job?

I establish my bathroom stall.

And it's the only bathroom stall that I can use.

When I eat at places?

I go out to eat.

I find the meal that I think I would like.

I order it.

And if I like it?

That's the only thing that I can eat from there.

In My Mind, It Just Makes Life Easier

You just do what's familiar.

You eat the same thing because if you're eating the same thing?

Then you can't go wrong.

You already know that you like it.

If you park in the same spot?

You always know where your car is.

If you use the same stall?

You know that it's safe.

Those are the things I've convinced myself over the years are just preferences.

That I repeat the same things.

Routine.

Nobody Has to Think That Through

Wake up.

Go to the bathroom.

Take your shower.

Take your shower in the same way that you do every day.

Wash your body the same way every day.

Clean your face the same way every day.

And then I realized:

No.

Nobody has to think that through.

People just get in there and wash themselves.

They don't have to process where they're starting from and where they're finishing at.

It's just a natural cleaning-yourself process.

I've Been Doing a Lot Better With That

I've been doing a lot better with that since I've been in California.

Usually my meals are really planned.

I eat the same things for breakfast most days because it just makes sense in my head.

You get up in the morning.

You make your eggs.

Your bacon.

Your tomato.

Your avocado.

Perfect.

I haven't had that while being here.

I have the ingredients for most of it.

I just haven't had it.

My bedtime's been off too.

Because somehow I've decided at my age I should have a bedtime.

So by a certain time of night?

I usually wander to my bedroom.

That's been different since I've been here.

My Life Doesn't Depend on Me Doing That Certain Thing

I haven't felt the need to process things the way that I typically do.

I keep an eye on the time.

I'm mindful of it.

I'm mindful of what's going on around me.

I'm just not set on it.

My life doesn't depend on me doing that certain thing.

And it's weird because I don't know when it crosses from it just being something you like in a routine to being compulsive.

For me?

It's:

But I've always been that way.

I've always worn clothes a certain way.

I've always loved the colors a certain way.

I like to organize a certain way.

My brain just functions when I do that.

What Does This New Me Look Like?

So I am trying to figure out what this new me looks like.

This me where I don't have to do the things I think I have to do.

Granted?

There's some things that I know I just cannot break.

At night before I go to bed?

I have to use the bathroom.

And I don't mean:

My gosh, I drank water, so I have to go.

I mean:

Hey.

You took a sip of water.

If you don't go to the bathroom?

You're gonna pee the bed.

But I Just Went to the Bathroom

But I just went to the bathroom.

Like right before I took my meds.

Right.

But then you took a sip of water.

So now it's gonna happen.

And then I can't get to sleep.

My brain tells me that unless I go to the bathroom directly before I go to bed?

No matter how small of a sip of drink I take?

I'm gonna pee my bed.

That's compulsive.

I am 43 years old.

Far past the age of wetting my bed.

And yet it's an insane fear that says if I don't do it?

I will indeed pee the bed.

Has it happened?

No.

But I'm convinced it hasn't happened because I do it.

And that the day that I don't do it?

That's the day I'm gonna wet my bed.

For the Love of God, Go to Sleep

How do you break some of these habits?

How do you convince yourself things are fine?

I think that's trial and error.

I try just laying in bed saying:

Go to sleep.

Go to sleep.

Just go to sleep.

For the love of God.

Go to sleep.

And my body says:

No.

Can't do it.

Won't do it.

It's impossible.

I Haven't Done That Since I've Been Here

I was talking to my husband the other day about the possibility of ADHD.

And we were talking about my hands.

He was like:

"Well, how do your hands look?"

Because for a while?

I was legit peeling off my skin.

I haven't done that since I've been here.

I don't know what has made the difference in my shift of anxiety or compulsiveness.

I don't know if it's stepping away from things that were stressing me out to begin with.

I don't know if I just needed the vacation from the things that I felt like were stacking up against me.

Either way?

I knew that I needed something different.

And I walked away to do something different.

And it's helped dramatically.

It Wasn't a Fix-All

There have been days that I've been in bed and I couldn't get up since being here.

It wasn't a fix-all.

But I've noticed there have been things that dispersed.

Lessened.

I'd like to think in a perfect world that I can go back home and those not be issues anymore.

But I'm worried.

I'm worried that everything comes flooding back.

That it overwhelms me.

And I put myself right back in that same place where my mental health just takes a deep dive and I can't pull myself out of it.

I Will Get Inside My Head and Invent All Kinds of Stories

Today I talked to my kid.

My 18-year-old.

She and I were swapping stories.

And I was telling her how I am very inventive.

I will get inside my head and invent all kinds of stories about things that were happening.

I convinced myself the boyfriend was messaging me early in the morning because he was waking up early to text all his round of girls.

Whether true or not.

And I doubt that it's true.

I had convinced myself that's indeed what was going on.

I convinced myself that my husband was seeing somebody else back at the house.

He wasn't.

But that didn't stop me from believing it.

I also believed strongly that he was doing better without me.

And if he's doing better without me?

It's because he doesn't need me.

He doesn't miss me.

In My Mind, Those Things Were Just True

I recognize that they're false.

I understand that they're false.

My mental health says:

I don't care that there's logic behind it.

I don't need there to be logic.

It's what I think is going on.

So she and I had a good laugh.

She was like:

"Mom, you're just like me and I'm just like you."

And I think that was the beauty of discussing things with her.

I think that's the beauty of discussing mental health in general.

Because we're set up to believe that we're going through things alone.

We always feel like we're doing it alone.

And it's so rare that you're the only one going through it.

We Don't Take the Time to Acknowledge Who We Are Now

I was preparing my author letter today for one of my books.

And in it?

I was talking about growing.

How we grow from being a child one day to an adult the next day.

We're 17 the night before our birthday.

And then the morning we wake up?

We're 18.

We're automatically an adult.

Just like that.

And we spend our whole life talking about:

Who you're gonna be.

What are you gonna be?

What are you gonna do?

How are you gonna do it?

How are you gonna go?

And we don't take the time to acknowledge who we are now.

We're so quick to figure out who we will be in the future that we don't take time to figure out who we are now.

And that's sad.

Because so much of us now determines who we are in the future.

You've Lived Your Experience, Which Isn't Mine

I'm sitting there.

I'm thinking.

I'm writing.

And I'm thinking about all the people who love to give advice.

"Well, I've been through this, so I can help you out."

No.

You've lived your experience.

Which isn't mine.

Just because you experienced something yesterday doesn't make it my experience today.

I'm gonna say that again.

Just because you experienced something yesterday doesn't make it my experience today.

The world is ever-changing.

It's always growing.

There's new technology.

There's new knowledge.

The days never look the same.

So how can you give me advice for a situation that you have never gone through?

You've Gone Through Your Version of Events

You've gone through the version of events with your feelings.

Your thought process.

Your chemical balances.

Those are not mine.

We forget that we're all living an experiment where every moment is a brand-new moment for us.

As I sit here and process something that's going on?

As I process my thoughts?

My feelings?

My impact on things around me?

My impact on the world?

I know it's gonna be different than you sitting where you are listening to me.

They're not bound to be the same just because we live in the same area.

We still live in the same world.

I grew up with seven.

And I guarantee you my experience and my perspective of what happened in my household is different than my siblings'.

Does it make it wrong?

No.

But I can't give them advice from my viewpoint.

Because it's not theirs.

It will never be theirs.

We're So Busy Trying to Fix the Thing

And I think that's where people get really compulsive with just things in general.

We're so busy trying to fix the thing that the thing is constantly changing.

What I could be angry about today?

What I could be sad about today?

Doesn't necessarily mean I'll be angry or sad about tomorrow.

I'm growing.

I'm supposed to be growing.

I'm supposed to be learning new things.

And if I'm growing and I'm learning new things?

Doesn't that give me the right to change my mind?

The right to decide if this is gonna be the me I wanna be forever?

I Don't Want to Be Stuck in the Same Headspace

I've talked about it before.

I hope that I'm constantly growing.

Constantly shifting.

Constantly changing.

I don't want it to be that I look back on my journal from July and I'm still stuck in that same headspace.

Yes.

I can still have those feelings.

But those feelings will be in a different capacity.

I'm a different person.

Compulsive me today may be drastically different than compulsive me tomorrow.

Compulsive Me Today Got Her Nails Done

Compulsive me today?

She got her nails done.

Should she have?

Probably not.

But she wanted to.

So she did it.

She wanted to spend the money.

She hasn't secured her job yet.

Hasn't started working.

And still thought she should get her nails done.

Wise me sitting here says:

That was probably a bad idea.

She can't take it back now.

It's too late.

Compulsive me earlier said:

Fuck it.

I don't care.

Then I sat here.

I was running numbers of bills.

All the things I have to pay for.

All the things I have to take care of.

And it might actually work out.

This Time It Didn't Hurt Us, But It Could Have

Current me says:

Okay.

So compulsive younger me?

You know.

A couple hours ago?

Was in her head about things that she should just do just to do them because she didn't want to feel her feelings and process at all.

Maybe this time it wasn't bad.

This time it didn't hurt us.

But it could have.

And I'm learning that the expectation that we're supposed to know all the things all the time?

Is unreasonable.

I'm Supposed to Continue to Grow From Them

I am supposed to have this experience.

Have this thought process.

Have these feelings.

And then continue to grow from them.

The first guy I dated?

That relationship was never going to be like the last guy that I dated.

They're different people.

The me that he started dating when I was 18?

Wasn't the me that broke up with him when I was older.

We were going different ways.

Different paths.

Did we still love each other?

Yes.

Did we still care about each other?

Yes.

And we were still growing.

Learning.

Changing.

That's When Compulsions Become Bad

I feel like when you get stagnant?

When you get stuck?

That's when compulsions become bad.

When I'm not willing to change.

When I'm not willing to do something different.

I'm trying to break that cycle.

I'm trying to give myself the courage to try something new.

And it's uneasy.

Sometimes it's downright scary.

But it's helpful.

We Want Change Without Doing Anything Different

At some point in time?

We keep talking about how we want something to be different.

We want change.

We yell about how we want change.

Want things to be different.

Without doing anything different.

That's not how that works.

I want to live a life where I can say:

I tried.

Sometimes I failed.

Sometimes I succeeded.

But I always tried.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I got out of bed today.

Which doesn't sound like a big feat.

But I didn't go to bed till like two o'clock this morning.

And I was still up by like eight or nine.

I don't know why.

I just was.

I could have spent the day laying in bed.

I didn't.

I had breakfast.

Then I got up.

I got dressed.

And I said:

Hey.

Let's go do something for yourself.

I tried a new color.

I don't ever do brown nails.

But I thought:

What the hell?

Look.

The guy picked them.

I talked to my kid.

I enjoyed time with my kid.

Laughing.

Joking.

Swapping stories that most people would be like:

"My gosh, you talk about that with your mom?"

Yeah.

We do.

We're a pretty open family.

I sat down and did my budget.

I sat down and found out my background check has gone through.

I didn't sit in a room in the dark and fret over every little decision I could make.

I'm Doing Something Different

I'm changing.

Because that's human nature.

That's what we're supposed to do.

You could have believed something 20 years ago.

And I would hope that's not the same person who sits before you now.

When I was growing up?

I believed in the Tooth Fairy.

I clearly don't believe in her anymore.

It's okay to change.

It's okay to have posted somewhere:

The Tooth Fairy is so great.

She gave me a dollar.

And a dollar was a lot back then.

That doesn't have to be me now.

At some point in time?

I have to stop holding my past against me.

Because I could only know what I knew then.

If you're sitting in your own thoughts and they don't always make sense to you?

Welcome to the club.

If you find yourself wanting something different but doing the same thing?

Welcome to the club.

Welcome to being human.

If you find that you want to do something different?

You want to test the waters?

And you don't know how?

Talk to me.

Let's figure it out together.

If you want a different ending to this beautiful story of life that you're telling?

Write something different.

Tell a different story.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Needy Me: It Doesn't Make You Needy, It Makes You Human

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever thought that you were needy for asking for what's probably the bare basics?

I mean, you're asking for someone to spend time with you.

Or to hear you when you're upset.

Or you're mad.

Or you're sad.

I Didn't Want to Bother Him

Today, I woke up early.

I was just kind of laying in bed contemplating what I was gonna do today.

Then I had a friend reach out to me.

He said morning.

And I was hesitant to respond because I didn't want to bother him.

Even though he messaged me first.

But I responded.

And then the conversation essentially died.

I ate breakfast.

And I went back to bed.

I Just Had This Urge to Be Around Somebody

Then I woke up again.

And I just had this urge to be around somebody.

But I don't have anyone to hang out with.

My friends are all busy.

They have lives out here.

And I want to go see my family again.

But there's some hesitation there.

Nothing went wrong the last time.

But I don't want to overdo it and then not have a support system to help me process it all.

So?

I just went back to bed.

I didn't wake up until like three o'clock this afternoon.

I mean, that's not a big deal.

I didn't have anything planned.

But it got me thinking.

How many times have I decided the bare basics is me being needy?

Somehow Talking Through It Makes Me Needy

If I'm having a bad day and I just want to talk to somebody about it?

And I reach out to somebody?

I instantly feel like I am trying to manipulate the situation to steal attention.

And that's not my intention.

I am legit just trying to talk through what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking.

But somehow letting somebody be a part of that is me being needy.

Taking away from their own things.

And I almost instantly stopped myself in my tracks.

When did I decide that having someone help me?

Walk me through it?

Or just be there for me?

Made me needy?

I'm Not Constantly Clingy

I could understand it if I was just constantly clingy.

Every little thing:

My God.

Help me.

But it's not like that.

At all, actually.

I generally keep things close to the vest.

So when I'm really needing it and I reach out?

It's because I can't muddle through it on my own.

And yet I instantly feel like:

My gosh.

I'm bothering these people.

They don't want to deal with this.

They don't want to hear my problems.

My gosh.

You're just so needy.

You're gonna make people run away from you because you're always wanting attention.

If My Friends Were Going Through Something, I'd Want Them to Reach Out

It's a weird idea.

Because if my friends were going through something?

The first thing I'd want them to do is reach out to me.

Hey.

I'm here.

I want to help you.

I want to listen to you.

I need to be there for you.

But I don't want to burden anybody else.

That makes me needy.

And so today?

I'm sure I spent the day in isolation because I didn't want to be needy.

So It's Just Me

I haven't reached out to anybody to hang out.

Talk.

Watch TV with.

Back at home?

I would have called a friend and had him sit on the phone with me all day today.

But he doesn't seem particularly interested in that now that I'm here.

And again?

I don't blame him.

That's just not the relationship we have at the moment.

My other friend?

On the weekends her boyfriend's off.

So I don't really hear from her because she's doing things with family.

Again.

Reasonable.

So it's just me.

My husband has his life.

My kid has his life.

I Feel Lonely, Although in My Life I'm Not Alone

I feel lonely.

Although in my life?

I'm not alone.

And I don't know how to bridge the gap between:

I'm not lonely.

I just don't know how to reach out to people and say:

Hey.

Hi.

Remember me?

Can we do something?

Anything?

I Had a Whole Plan

I had a whole plan as of last night.

I was gonna get up.

I was going to be productive.

I was gonna go to the library or to a park.

I was gonna sit and enjoy the sunshine.

It's 75 degrees outside today.

I have not stepped foot outside at all.

So much so that my insurance app's like:

So, is your app still connected?

Because you haven't driven in a while.

Right?

Stop judging me.

I just don't have anywhere to go.

Sorry.

But I wish I could understand where this concept came from.

That my wanting someone is me being needy.

I Am a Problem Solver

Tonight I talked to my friend for a bit.

I'm supposed to call him back.

And I will after I get off if he's not in bed.

And I talked to my husband.

Who's frustrated with poker right now.

And I felt like I couldn't be what he needed.

I was struggling with that because he's really angry and upset that things aren't going the way he wants them to.

And I hate that he feels that way.

But I don't know how to fix the problem.

And I am a problem solver.

If you come to me and you say:

My gosh.

This is frustrating me.

The thing that I want to do the most is stop whatever is frustrating you.

I don't want you to be upset.

Or mad.

Or sad.

And I realize that's life.

We're gonna have those big emotions.

We're gonna have those feelings.

But if I could do anything to help keep those feelings at bay for you?

Then I will.

But When I Ask for the Same Thing, I Feel Needy

And yet?

I feel like I'm being needy when I ask for somebody to do the same for me.

It's a very interesting concept that tonight I think I'm going to work on.

I have spent a lot of time sitting alone.

Keeping all the things in my head kind of in my journal.

But not talking to anybody else directly.

And I'm not proud.

I'm not even afraid.

I just would hate to be a burden to somebody.

I'd hate for someone to have to talk me through what's bothering me.

Or what's worrying me.

I Feel Like I Need a Companion

I feel like I need a companion.

But then I don't know how to ask for one.

I don't know how to say:

Hey.

I just need somebody to be there.

Just so I know I can call somebody.

Or sit silently.

Or feel something.

My Mom Actually Reached Out to Me Today

My mom actually reached out to me today.

Which kind of surprised me.

Because she never does that.

It's not a thing when I'm in Kansas.

And so she reached out to me today to see how I was doing because she hadn't heard from me.

I didn't know what to do with that.

I'm happy she did.

That's improvement in our relationship.

And I thought about getting dressed and going over.

But I also know that's how I am.

My gosh.

There's a sign of an olive branch.

Let me go drop all three things else in my life and act on it.

I'm Used to Dropping Everything That's Important to Me

I was talking to someone last night.

And I said that I have the habit of doing that.

I went to work on something.

And they were like:

"Well, if you get an invite, you could just drop what you're working on and go do it."

I'm used to dropping everything that's important to me to do what everybody else wants.

And I'm really trying to avoid that with all my might.

So I'm trying to be cautious.

But I still wanna keep people tight and close to me.

Today I Didn't Do Much

Today I didn't do much.

I hung out in bed.

I slept.

I did work on a project last night that I'm really proud of.

It's going really well.

I'm excited to put that out there.

I've been thinking more about how I want to do other projects I've got going.

I'm just kind of in-between.

And my husband told me yesterday that he'd like for me to come home.

Since, you know, I'm not working out here because my job?

I don't know what they're doing.

And I don't know what to do with that information.

Part of Me Says I Could Just Pack Up and Drive Back

Part of me says:

Well.

I'm not working.

Which is why I came out here.

I could just as easily pack up my stuff and drive back.

And then the other part of me feels like that's giving up on what I came out here to accomplish.

I don't know what to do.

I don't even know who to talk to about it.

Because again?

Everyone's busy.

Everyone's got their own lives.

And that's not a bad thing.

I'm glad they have their own lives and their own things.

I just have these things in my head.

And they are heavy.

Sometimes Avoiding It Is All I Can Do

I think I just do things to avoid thinking about them.

Which obviously doesn't make them go away.

But it doesn't allow me to get into this depressive episode where I can't climb out of it.

Sometimes avoiding it is all I can do.

And I wish that I could say things out here are going great.

They're not going bad.

They really aren't.

I'm having a great time.

I am not as miserable being in my own company as I thought I would be.

I would like to go to work.

I enjoy working.

I love working with kids.

I do miss that.

But I don't know if I'm ready to give up and pack up and run.

Maybe California Is No Longer Home to Me

I don't know if that means I don't miss my family back at home.

Or my friends back at home.

Because theoretically speaking?

They would love for me to come back.

I just don't know.

And I don't know how to process all of that.

Do I just go back?

Do I call it quits and say:

Hey.

I gave it a chance.

I came out here.

I did the things I needed to do.

And it just unfortunately didn't work out.

Maybe California is no longer home to me.

Or do I say:

Hey.

This is a hard moment.

And you'll get through it.

Because you're strong.

You're tough.

And you can do this.

I'm Still Writing That Story

I don't know.

I'm still writing that story.

I'm still editing that page day in and day out.

When I talk to you guys about how we are in a position to do that?

It's because I truly believe we're in a position to continue to write our story over and over again.

We're in a position to say:

Hey.

Today this is what this looked like.

But tomorrow?

I get to start on a whole new page.

My Character Gets to Do Something Different Tomorrow

I get to decide that today:

My character goes outside and she enjoys the sunshine.

My character writes down all her feelings.

My character hangs out with a friend.

My character goes out and makes new friends.

Today?

My page in the story looked like me just being and sitting at home.

But I wasn't upset.

It was just me relaxing.

And that's okay too.

Sometimes the story doesn't have an arc every day.

It doesn't have to.

Your story isn't about fighting demons every day.

Some Days, Even in Books, the Character Rests

Some days?

Even in books?

The character rests.

We don't talk about it in books.

We don't write about it.

It's Tuesday.

She's staying at home and she ate a bowl of cereal.

In my story?

That's a possibility.

And I love my story.

Some days I love just sitting in bed eating a bowl of cereal.

Today I had McDonald's for breakfast.

I had pizza for, I guess, lunch-dinner.

And I got to just hang.

I got new shirts.

I'm excited about that.

They're super soft.

It was a simple day.

They'll Realize I Was Just Human

Will it be in my memoir that on September 19th, 2026, Jamesha was just there?

Probably not.

But it'll be in my journal.

And somehow that feels better than it being in my everlasting story for everybody to read.

But if someone ever finds my journal?

They'll realize that I was just human.

I had basic things that I wanted and I needed.

And instead of convincing myself that I didn't deserve them?

Or that everybody was too busy to give them to me?

I just wrote the story differently.

And said:

Hey.

I could do it this way instead.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I slept.

And it was a glorious nap.

For those who know me?

Know that I put myself to sleep.

That does not mean anything bad.

I did not take drugs or anything like that.

If you know, you know.

And I woke up feeling refreshed and ready to go.

I got up.

I showered.

And I'm here.

I'm ready to do something today.

Whatever that looks like for the rest of the evening.

It's seven o'clock here.

But yeah.

My bite of pie today was just kind of recognizing that I had decisions to make.

And I don't know how they're gonna go.

But I get to make them.

I get to sit down and think about them.

And process them.

I get to rewrite that story tomorrow however I should decide to rewrite it.

So if you are contemplating if you're needy because you want to have someone hear you?

Sit with you?

Listen to you ramble on because your brain is going a mile a minute?

It doesn't make you needy.

It makes you human.

If you are in the midst of making big decisions and they seem daunting?

Scary?

You're not alone.

You're just human.

If you didn't enjoy today?

For whatever reason today was just not the way you needed it to be?

Just remember.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Territorial Me: I Am Just Me

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever had someone define who you are?

They decide that those are your qualities.

That's the person you are.

It's just a fact.

I hate when that happens.

I have these ideas of who I am and what it means and what it represents.

And I'm still told:

Nope.

This is who you are.

Today Was a Beautiful Day

Today?

Beautiful day.

I woke up early.

No reason whatsoever.

Just kind of chilled.

Did my interview today.

That went well.

Got up.

Got dressed.

Picked up groceries and lunch.

Lunch was amazing.

And then just kind of played around and watched TV.

Relaxing day.

The Parking Spot I Usually Inhabit Was Taken

When I went out today and came back?

The parking spot I usually inhabit was taken.

So I parked somewhere different.

During the time that I was sitting here relaxing and watching TV?

Apparently the parking spot became vacant.

And so I thought to myself when I noticed:

Hey.

I could put my car back where it was.

Then it occurred to me:

Well, I mean, going out there just to move your car doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

That's a dumb reason to do that.

But if you're gonna leave to go somewhere and you come back and it's open?

Then you can park there.

Fair enough.

I Had to Have a Slurpee

So I go out.

I go to 7-Eleven.

And I decide that I have to have a Slurpee.

I cannot remember the last time I had a Slurpee.

My favorite flavor is banana.

I don't know why.

It just is.

But I have a backup flavor.

And if my backup flavor was gonna be there?

I'd be okay.

They didn't have banana.

But they had piña colada.

So I got a Slurpee and some sodas.

And I did something nice for my husband today.

He needed a new headset.

So I got him a new headset.

"Yeah, Because You're Territorial"

Then I come back.

I'm telling my friend and I told my husband about what happened with the parking spot.

And the friend was like:

"Yeah, because you're territorial."

No.

No, I'm not.

I didn't defend my parking spot.

I didn't go out there and beat somebody up over my parking spot.

I didn't yell at them.

I didn't leave a note.

I wasn't passive aggressive.

As a matter of fact?

I just parked somewhere else.

Came inside the house.

And enjoyed the rest of my day.

"On This One, I Agree With Him"

So then I go tell my husband about that.

And my husband goes:

"Well, on this one I agree with him."

You guys both realize I'm diagnosed with OCD, right?

"Well, you've even said it before that if you go to work and your parking spot's taken, you'll just leave and go home."

Yeah.

That's not how being territorial works.

If I'm being territorial?

I fight for that spot.

I don't give that up and walk away.

Right?

How Many Times People Put Labels on Others

It just kind of reminded me of how many times people put labels on others.

And they just stick.

And how horrible of a feeling it is.

I remember when I was first diagnosed.

All I could feel was upset and sad that someone decided that I was OCD, anxious, bipolar.

Because to me?

It felt like I was being put into this box.

And it wasn't a positive box.

No one thinks:

Yeah, my gosh.

I got a mental illness.

How great is that today?

It's always got a negative connotation.

You Either Have to Prove It Wrong or Let It Eat at You

I think when people attach this negative connotation to you?

It instantly becomes this bubble in your head.

You're either having to prove it wrong—which is dumb, because you trying to prove it wrong almost proves the point—

or you just let it eat at you.

And so today?

As I'm trying to argue why I'm not territorial?

They both kept laughing and saying:

"Well, yeah, you are."

Okay.

Great.

Well, I'm so glad you two decide who I am.

Man.

Thanks.

Appreciate that.

Something Like That Can Ruin Such a Good Day

Then I think about how something like that can ruin such a good day.

Because I was having an amazing day.

It's not that my day's gone bad now.

It's just frustrating.

Because we talked about in my episode Unknown Me:

Hey.

I keep telling you who I am.

I keep showing you who I am.

And despite the fact that I keep repeating who I am?

You don't seem to know me.

It was frustrating then that you don't seem to know me.

But it's even more frustrating now that it's not even that you don't know me.

It's that you assign these things to me that I don't find fitting.

When I Hear Territorial, I Hear a Negative Connotation

When I hear territorial?

I hear a negative connotation.

Never has territorial been a good thing.

Never have I heard that.

And I don't get labeled positive attributes.

Nobody talks about those.

No one talks about how creative I can be.

How smart that I am.

How silly I can be with children.

How well I get along with children.

We don't talk about the positives.

We're just quick to name the negatives about people.

"I see you doing this. You must be bipolar."

That's actually not how bipolar works.

"My God, you like a clean office. You must be OCD."

No.

Not exactly.

Being Clean and Being OCD Are Two Different Things

Being clean and being OCD?

Two different things.

I should know.

Because I like being clean.

But then there's the incessant tick that goes along with it.

The one that says:

Hey.

My closet has to be organized by sleeveless, fabrics, and colors.

Not because I think it's fun.

But because it has to have that structure.

My foods can't touch because I don't like the idea of one food tasting like the other.

I can't eat certain things because of the sensory issues that I have.

Not because I'm picky.

Or I'm just anal.

Or whatever negative connotation someone's attached to me for the day.

Why Is It Okay for You to Label Me?

It's aggravating.

It's the same people who get upset when you're like:

"My gosh, you're just being lazy."

"Well, that upset me."

Okay.

So why does it upset you that I call you lazy?

But it's okay to call me territorial?

Why is it okay for you to label me?

But you get frustrated when I label you?

People don't make any sense.

In a Perfect World, I Would Let It Go

I know that we're supposed to just let it go in one ear and out the other.

And in a perfect world?

I would do just that.

It's not a perfect world.

Unfortunately?

I live inside there.

And inside there is a muddled mess.

I spend a lot of time wading through all the negative things that like to float around in there and gut the place.

That's probably the best way to describe what my head looks like.

Imagine walking through a mud swamp.

And you're just swinging mud.

Trying to walk your way through it.

That's like the sinking bad thoughts in my head.

So much fun.

Why Not Have You Add Another One?

So why not have you add another one?

Because bro.

Why not?

Right?

Then I have to remember that their opinion of me doesn't make me who I am.

I know that.

I do.

I understand that.

I comprehend that I get to decide who I am.

But then I have the question:

Why do I keep surrounding myself with people who want to tell me I'm something else?

Is that how it's supposed to work?

Am I supposed to wake up during the day and just be like:

Mm.

You're this.

So that's what you are for the day.

Haven't We Had Enough of That?

Haven't we had enough of that as a society?

Just kind of labeling people and deciding that's what they are?

And then it being problematic?

Do we really need to keep doing it?

I don't know.

Maybe I digress.

I just know that for whatever reason?

That bothered me probably more than it should.

And I will probably fester on it all day long for the rest of the night.

Until I find something else to distract myself.

I've got fresh fruit downstairs.

So I might use that to distract myself.

My gosh.

The best fresh fruit.

I like the fruit.

Today Was a Good Day

But again?

Today was a good day.

I was able to enjoy being.

There are things that I wanted to work on.

Probably should have worked on.

Didn't get them done.

And you know what?

That's okay.

It's Friyay.

Fri—not Friday.

The weekend's here.

So let's relax.

I wish I could say that tomorrow is laundry day.

Because we know how I am.

But I did my laundry yesterday.

I'm really getting better at that, I guess.

Not doing it on the same day.

I'm not sure how I feel about it though.

Again?

In my head?

Everything has its place and time.

And that just makes everything go smoothly.

You're not guessing when you're gonna do something.

You just know.

And Then I Found Out I Was Territorial

But my journal's late today.

Because I'm late today.

Well, at least I thought I was.

And then I found out I was territorial.

So there's that.

I am going to work on a few things this weekend.

I'm really excited.

I'm gonna work on my book.

At least I plan to.

And I am going to actually purchase some journals so that I can have people buy them directly from me.

Super excited about that.

I will let you guys know when those come in.

My Journal Isn't for Me to Sell Journals

I know I don't talk about them a lot.

I don't want this podcast to be about me selling something.

That's just not my mindset.

My journal isn't for me to sell journals.

My journal is for it to be:

This is what happens in this head on a day-to-day basis.

Sometimes it's really pretty.

Other times it's a hot mess.

Either way?

It's still me.

And that's:

You get what you get and you don't throw a fit.

I feel like that is how I got the mental issues that I have.

Because:

You get what you get.

You don't throw a fit.

You don't say no.

You don't say stop.

No, I'm Not Territorial

No.

I'm not territorial.

They can have the parking spot.

I will find a backup.

And I'll go on with my day.

And it'll be fine.

Like I did.

I will find something else to do.

I will live life.

Live, laugh, love.

I guess.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was that I actually went grocery shopping.

Because your girl's been living off of DoorDash orders.

Not that that's a bad thing.

But it's expensive.

So I went and bought my staples.

Put them in the fridge.

I'm so excited to go back to my breakfasts.

What else?

I relaxed.

I woke up early and I thought that would make me want to nap today.

And while it did?

I did nap today.

So I'm kind of proud of myself for that.

I'm excited that I got on and I did my podcast.

Some days I don't feel like doing it.

Not because I don't want to.

Just because it's easy to get complacent.

Like:

Ugh.

But I don't want to do that today.

And some days?

You gotta make yourself do it anyways.

That Doesn't Belong to Me

So if you're out there and you have someone defining who you are?

And they're wrong?

Tell them they're wrong.

No.

That doesn't belong to me.

That belongs to you.

You can keep that.

You can keep your judgment in your own fucking pocket.

I don't need it.

I reject that.

Because I don't know about you?

But I'm sick of being fucking labeled.

I am just me.

The only me I know how to be.

If I like my parking spot and I'm not beating anybody up over it?

Leave me the fuck alone.

If I like to organize my closet a certain way and it's not hurting you?

Leave me the fuck alone.

At the end of the day?

If it doesn't suit your needs but it meets mine and it's not hurting anybody?

Let's say it together.

Leave me the fuck alone.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Deliberate Me: I Have to Safeguard My Life

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever put things into place because you know it'll make you do something else?

Not a system or a checklist where you write things down and you go from box to box.

But like a safe fail.

You know that if you don't get something done, something else is gonna fail.

It just can't work.

So today?

I had to trick my mind.

Everybody Wants to Do an Interview at 10 O'Clock in the Morning

I have been waking up in the middle of the night.

Two o'clock.

Three o'clock in the morning.

And then I'm just awake for hours.

Which is fine because I'm not going to work right now.

So I watch TV.

I play on my phone.

Sometimes I talk to my husband.

Just chill.

But it never fails that as it gets closer to seven or eight o'clock?

Here I want to go back to sleep.

And so I've been laying down and going back to sleep.

But I've had interviews recently.

And for some reason?

Everybody wants to do an interview at 10 o'clock in the morning.

Okay.

So I've been setting my alarm so I can get up and get dressed.

But I also know I've been exhausted.

And in being exhausted?

The first thing I want to do when I'm done is go back to bed.

Which then makes me sleep all day long.

Which makes me awake all night long.

I Got This Wild Bug to Strip My Bed

So today I got up and was hemming and hawing about doing my interview.

And I said:

You know what?

I need to get up and do it.

I had it set in place.

We're gonna make it happen.

And then I got this wild bug to strip my bed.

Mind you?

By the time I had gotten up to get ready for my interview, it was a quarter to ten.

So I had 15 minutes to go shower, brush my teeth, and then get dressed to sit in front of a camera to do an interview.

But I'm ambitious.

So I stripped my bed.

Then I took my shower.

I got dressed.

And I sat down for my interview.

I Can't Go Back to Bed

I did the interview.

Then I was talking to a friend.

And I was just like:

Yeah, you know, I finished the interview.

I think that it went well.

Waiting for a decision.

But I'm tired.

And my friend was like:

"Well, why don't you go back to bed?"

I can't.

"Why can't you go back to bed?"

I stripped my bed.

"But why would you do that if you knew that you were tired?"

Because I knew that if I did not strip my bed to wash it today?

I was going to go back to bed and not get up.

Again, it wasn't like I couldn't have made a checklist of this is what I need to get done and this is what I want to get done.

I just knew today a checklist wouldn't have sufficed to get things done the way they needed to get done.

Then I Did My Clothes First

So not only did I strip my bed to do laundry?

Before I did my laundry for my bedding?

I did my clothes first.

Which meant I had to wait the hour it takes for my clothes to wash to get them in the dryer before I could even touch my bedding.

There are days where I literally have to safeguard my life.

Because I know that if I don't?

Things won't happen.

And for me?

That's why today is Dear Deliberate Me.

How Many Things I Do Deliberately

I was thinking just how many things I do deliberately to make my life easy.

To make my life look better.

To feel better.

For example?

We've talked about my need to feel wanted and loved.

And heaven forbid I should come right out and ask you:

Do you love me?

Do you want me?

That's too simple.

So I'm going to deliberately beat around the bush.

"You must have gotten up to talk to all those girls this morning."

"No, I got up to get ready for work. But I thought of you, so I talked to you."

Does that mean I'm special?

You must love me.

Because heaven forbid I just have the conversation.

We Do Things With Very Specific Reasons in Mind

And I think again?

That's part of mental health.

We do things with very specific reasons in mind to help us cope the best way that we can.

Now, are all of our coping skills healthy?

No.

There are some skills that we all know about that we do that make us feel better.

But aren't healthy for our cause.

Again?

We rationalize them because they are done deliberately.

They're done to solve a problem.

I Applied to Eight Jobs Yesterday and Seven Jobs Today

Me?

I've been applying to jobs like crazy.

I looked up today and I applied to eight jobs yesterday and seven jobs today.

While I'm still waiting for the one job that I technically have?

I'm waiting for my background check.

And a second job that I technically have?

I'm waiting for a background check for that one.

So then my mind goes:

You've been here since the beginning of September.

You're not bringing in any income.

You need to find a job where you can bring in income immediately.

Okay.

Cool.

Let's apply to all the places.

So I applied to eight yesterday.

And I applied to seven today.

And then I've been doing interviews.

I Had to Make a Spreadsheet, Guys

I sat down today to take a look at where I was with jobs.

I had to make a spreadsheet, guys.

I was offered six positions.

I am waiting to hear back from one place.

I have an interview tomorrow.

And I have two more jobs that want to talk to me.

And usually?

As we know?

I would say yes to everybody and then just figure it out.

Because It Makes Me Feel Wanted

I am so deliberate with applying for jobs and going to interviews because it makes me feel wanted.

Again.

We've talked about this.

It's that whole:

They selected me.

This time around?

It's twofold.

I do need the job.

I do need a paycheck.

But even as I sit here writing in my journal?

I know that I'm gonna have the hardest time choosing which one to accept and which one to walk away from.

Because how do you walk away from somebody who makes you feel wanted?

Even when it's not the right fit.

Maybe Not the Wanted That I Actually Want

How do you walk away from something when it seems to want you?

It may not want you the way that you need it.

It may not want you when you need it to want you.

But to some extent?

It wants you.

Right?

You recognize that you may be just a number at your job.

But they would recognize if you weren't there.

Wanted.

Maybe not the wanted that I actually want.

But enough that it fulfills that need.

When I Close Myself Off in the Dark, It's Deliberate

When I close myself off in the dark and I'm hiding?

It's deliberate.

I want to be alone.

I want to be able to process my feelings.

I want to be able to figure things out.

And I find in that moment the best way to do that is to shut everything and everybody out.

Does it always accomplish my goal?

No.

But it's deliberate.

When I choose to go outside and feel the rain on my skin or enjoy the breeze?

We call it a TIP skill.

It's deliberate.

The reason why it's deliberate is because it shocks your system.

What Is It Replacing?

I think so many things when working with people with mental health issues or experiencing mental health issues on your own are very deliberate.

And we don't dive deep enough into the reason why they're deliberate.

We see them and it's:

That's bad.

You shouldn't do that.

And yes.

That's correct.

But what is it replacing?

For me?

I could use Tinder just as easily.

This is healthier in my mind because, I mean, it's a job.

And they get to say no.

And if they say yes?

You know?

I get to make money off of it.

Then who needs sleep?

Or time to themselves?

Or time with their family?

That's not a necessity.

This is a healthy coping skill.

Deliberate Does Not Automatically Mean Helpful

There are things I do and things I put into place to help me cope that are healthy.

And things I do and I put into place to cope that are unhealthy.

And I think part of being deliberate is being able to sit down and be introspective about what those things look like.

Taking my bedding off my bed to wash it because I knew I wouldn't get back into bed until it was done?

Deliberate.

Great.

It worked.

I sat here.

I got stuff done.

I made my spreadsheet.

I talked to jobs.

I got applications all figured out.

It was successful.

Applying to all the jobs before letting the other ones roll in?

Okay.

Well.

Not so helpful.

Doing more interviews as I already have so many jobs lined up?

Deliberate.

Not so helpful.

They Look the Same

I have to learn how to do the things that are going to help me actually help me.

Versus the things that are going to hinder me.

When you are in a certain headspace?

They look the same.

They are so convincing that they both are there to help a need that you don't consider how damaging it is.

Again?

It's like I talked about in another episode.

We get this thing stuck in our mind that we fixate on.

And in fixating on it?

That's all we can do.

That's all we can handle.

We are set to believe that is what is going to accomplish that goal.

And as long as it accomplishes that goal?

How it happened doesn't necessarily matter.

This Was Easier

Hey.

I am married.

But if I download Tinder and the guys make me feel wanted?

That's fine.

At least I felt wanted.

I didn't do anything wrong.

I didn't sleep with anybody.

I didn't touch anybody.

I just don't feel wanted.

"Well, why don't you just talk to your husband about that?"

This was easier.

And it just felt good.

I got the dopamine hit immediately.

But is that good for your marriage?

I mean?

Well?

To me that's not so bad.

How does it affect my husband?

I don't know.

We just don't talk about it.

Right?

I imagine my spouse doesn't want me swiping through guys or guys swiping through me.

But I mean?

If it's a need?

Right?

So it's not really hurting anybody.

What Happens When You Play Too Close to the Fire?

You get burned.

And I think that's something that I have to learn how to grapple with.

Because yes.

It feels nice.

But what happens when these conversations become more than just conversations?

What happens when they become more than:

Hey.

Yay.

You swiped on me.

Because let's be real.

It can't just stop there.

I have to talk to you to figure out:

Why?

What caught your attention?

What's so intriguing about me?

Versus:

Hey.

There's something in me that says I need this outside validation.

What can I do to provide myself with that validation?

What Safe Plan Can I Put Into Action?

What safe plan can I put into action?

The way that I put into action staying out of bed today?

To facilitate me being able to take care of that emotional need for myself.

Safely.

I don't have the answer to that.

And I don't think mental health is always having the answer to everything immediately.

You guys have been with me for a couple months now.

And you know that I don't pretend to have all the answers.

That's not how journaling works.

Journal isn't a:

Hey.

I sat down.

I wrote this.

My life was perfect.

I figured it out.

I'm Supposed to Be Growing

A friend asked me the other day about why I do my format the way that I do it.

"Well, you said something today, but what if you learn that it's wrong?"

Great.

The reason why I date my journals?

The reason why it's important to me to date my journals?

Is because the hope is that the way that I'm thinking and feeling today will be different than what I learn and think tomorrow.

I'm supposed to be growing.

In growth?

Ideas change.

That's how that works.

So yes.

While today I may believe and think that downloading Tinder was a healthy choice for me?

Future me says:

Well, no.

Here's how we could have better handled that.

I Deleted That App Off My Phone

And again?

As I sit here?

I deleted that app off my phone.

I recognize that wasn't the appropriate response to have to solve that problem.

Because I'm learning.

And I'm growing.

And sometimes learning and growing takes being called out by other people.

Sometimes learning and growing means being called out by yourself.

It means that you have to be able to and be comfortable having people criticize your actions.

And I'm talking about your actions.

Not you.

It is one thing that's like:

Hey.

What you're doing?

That doesn't make sense.

Why are you doing that?

If you have trusted people in your life?

They should be able to check you that way.

Nicely.

Healthily.

I Should Be Able to Check Myself

But you should also be able to check yourself.

And today?

I'm being very deliberate with that.

I'm being very deliberate on how I choose to live my life.

So if I want to be in California?

I need to make sure that I have a job that is capable of paying my bills here and paying my bills back at home.

I can't do:

Well, as long as I pay my bills here I'll be fine.

No.

I have a family back home that's just as important.

I have to be deliberate with my time.

And where my value is.

I have to be deliberate with the decisions that I make.

What Am I Doing to Do That?

I chose to come to California.

I chose to be here with my family.

What am I doing to do that?

If I'm not making the effort to go see them?

That takes away from the reason why I'm here.

Everything's about being deliberate when you have mental health issues.

You have to plan things in order to keep afloat.

Because if we don't?

Then we get lost in all of it.

It gets really muddled for us.

My Bite of Pie

So today?

My bite of pie?

My bedding got washed.

My bed is currently made.

And when I got out of bed at 9:45?

I've not gotten back into it.

It's 6:45 right now here.

That's my bite of pie.

I recognized what my needs were.

I recognized where I was gonna fail today.

And I did something about it in a healthy way.

And I recognize it doesn't always happen.

It doesn't always look like doing things in a healthy way.

But tonight?

I did.

If you know that the skills that you're using to cope are harmful?

If you know they are dangerous for you?

If you're looking for other ways to comfort yourself?

To help yourself grow?

To acknowledge that:

Hey.

There's something inside me that connects to this for a certain reason.

But I need to work on it.

Join me.

We do this together.

This isn't just a me thing.

This is an us thing.

I would love to build a community where we can all talk and we can gather and we can work with each other to say:

Hey.

You know?

I never thought about it that way.

I never recognized that's what I'm doing.

And how I could probably do that differently.

I'd like to be that for you.

Just as you are for me.

And before I go?

I want to say for my listener who listens on Deezer?

I have noticed that you've listened since the beginning.

And I appreciate you.

And I see you.

And I don't mean to freak you out.

I just want you to know that I do see you.

And I appreciate you.

And you show up every night.

And if nobody else tells you?

I care.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.