Dear Inadequate Me: That Was Never Enough. It's Not That I'm Not Enough.

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Have you ever had someone that you love and trust make you just feel less than?

It's not an outwardly open thing that they do.

It's the small things that you notice.

Things that maybe somebody else wouldn't catch on to.

They wouldn't see it the same way.

It's Amazing What One Person Can Change

I had an absolutely amazing day yesterday.

I did the boring work thing that I had to do.

The training.

Then I got to hang out with a friend.

A friend that I really enjoy hanging out with.

We just really get each other.

For those of you who don't know, I call him Boyfriend.

He is not my boyfriend.

That's just what I call him.

It's a little inside joke between him and me.

But I got to hang out with Boyfriend last night.

We laughed.

We talked.

We had some of our unusual conversations like we usually do.

What If You Lived Across the Street?

I think last night's conversation was the idea of being married to somebody and not living in the same household.

Maybe living across the street.

He said he thinks he could do that if he had a key to her place.

She had a key to his place.

But he could go home and just be quiet when he went home.

And I know that for him?

That's a really big deal.

The idea of going home to your peace.

Being able to relax in your own home.

Not dealing with anybody else.

And I said:

I could see the benefits of that.

But I could also see the benefits of wanting to see your significant other more than that.

So I threw out the idea:

What if you guys lived in the same house but had separate bedrooms at opposite ends of the house?

Sometimes It's Nice to Sleep in My Own Bed

For me, it's not about not wanting to be with my partner.

It's wanting to get a chance to explore the things that are important to me.

Reading.

Writing.

My podcast.

Scrapbooking.

I know for some people it'd be as simple as:

Well, just have your own offices.

Yeah.

But sometimes it's nice being able to sleep in my own bed by myself.

So I could kind of get where he was coming from.

And we were talking about it.

It just kind of made a lot of sense.

You Have to Find Somebody Who's Like-Minded

I went on to talk to him about how he and I are very similar in that way.

When I first got the job out here?

My first thought was to take on a second job.

He also works a lot.

He has a life full of things he's taking care of.

So he was saying he doesn't have time to date because he stays busy.

And I said:

Well, it's not so much that you don't have time to date.

You have to find somebody who's like-minded.

Someone who also appreciates the art of being busy.

And when the person you're dating understands that concept?

The time that you guys spend together is much more important.

It's intentional.

You want to spend time with that person.

You're gonna make it work.

He's in My Corner

We talked.

I was up way too late last night.

Then I went to bed.

Got up this morning with a smile on my face.

I just had a good time.

It's amazing what one person in your life who you can just be yourself with can change about your outlook.

He's known me for 15-plus years.

He's seen me through all the ups and the downs.

All the manic episodes.

And has stood by me the entire time.

Just loving me.

Telling me he's there for me.

He cares about me.

It doesn't lessen his love for me.

Doesn't lessen his care for me when I lose every ounce of my mind.

It's nice to know he's in my corner.

I told him last night that he's probably one of my biggest supporters.

Then I stopped and said:

No.

You probably are my biggest supporter.

And he said:

"Yeah, I am."

He's Gonna Cheer Me On

I know if I say:

Hey, I'm doing this.

He's gonna cheer me on.

If I'm writing this book?

He'll say:

"Well, let me know when you're done writing it so I can read it."

And I know that he would.

Genuinely read it to see what he thought of it.

I'm not asking for that.

I'm not seeking out somebody to be my yes man.

But it was nice knowing that I had someone who rooted so hard for me.

So today I got up smiling.

Because I had a great night.

I got to sleep in.

It was a wonderful morning.

Up until a piece of my life crept in that right now I'm having issues with.

My Kansas Life Is Still There

My Kansas life is still there.

And I'm trying to navigate how to work with my Kansas life while I'm here in California.

The things we're doing are different.

I'm out here.

I'm working two jobs.

I'm trying to get financially stable so that things are taken care of both here and there.

That's just my mindset.

Plus?

I still want to work on my business.

My books.

All the other things I've got going on.

And there I have my kiddo and my husband.

I'm trying to balance out how involved I should be in that.

My kiddo doesn't want to talk to my husband.

My husband's at odds with my kiddo.

So I become the middleman for a lot of things.

I'm in California. I Don't Know How Else to Help.

Today my kiddo wanted to do some baking.

He was looking for cornstarch.

Couldn't find it.

And I was like:

Hey, do we have any?

Well, yeah.

I think I have some.

I was telling him where to look.

All the places I would keep it.

He couldn't find it.

I'm in California.

I don't know how else to help.

I can tell you where I think it is.

I can tell you that I think I have it.

Then my hands are kind of tied.

So I called my husband.

Sent him into the kitchen to look.

He gets up and goes.

And I'm like:

Wait.

Where were you?

Were you sleeping?

"No, I was laying on the couch."

Here's my kitchen.

And there's a wall here.

That's where my living room is.

So I got frustrated.

Because I don't understand.

You're there.

He's there.

What's going on?

Figure It Out

I had my husband look.

Walked him through it.

He couldn't find it either.

That's when they kind of start talking.

My husband's like:

"Do you need something?"

And they're communicating.

My husband says he'll go to the store to get whatever he needs.

Great.

But I'm annoyed.

Because again?

I was put in the middle of something I didn't need to be in the middle of.

I'm not there.

The easiest and quickest way to solve that problem was for the two of them to talk it out.

Figure out what was needed.

And whether my husband needed to go to the store.

But they're so at odds with each other that they'd rather call me.

Then have me talk to each other for them.

At this point I just wanna block people on my phone and say:

Figure it out.

You guys are both old enough to figure it out.

I haven't done that.

It's a thought.

Not something I've done.

I Was Gonna Get Around to It

We worked through it.

My husband was telling me that he's upset and frustrated that the kid won't talk to him.

Won't interact with him unless he really wants something.

And I'm listening.

Trying to be understanding.

Then I asked my husband:

How long have you been awake?

Mind you?

It's six o'clock my time.

Eight o'clock their time.

I was thinking maybe my kid was like:

He's sleeping.

I don't want to wake him up.

My husband says something to the effect of:

I've been awake for the last three hours.

And I thought:

But I didn't hear from you.

He said:

"Well, I was gonna get around to it."

"I was gonna call you when I was cooking dinner."

Then he asked if I was okay.

Yeah.

I was just wondering.

I kind of left the conversation at that.

Said I was gonna come in and eat my own lunch-dinner.

But the more it sat with me?

The more it bothered me.

It's Not That He Has to Call Me First Thing

It's not that my husband has any requirement to get up and call me.

Or message me first thing in the morning.

I think what made me feel inadequate in this situation was that there are plenty of guys who will.

Who do.

Boyfriend is quick to get up in the morning and send me a good morning message.

It's our thing.

I've talked about it before.

He's sent me good morning messages for the last 15 years straight.

Like clockwork.

We have the same conversations every morning.

Not only have I come to expect it?

I appreciate it.

Because I know he's always going to check in with me.

When I Say Morning, You're Supposed to Say Morning Back

My other friend out in Kansas?

He's quick to tell me good morning.

As a matter of fact, the other day he and I got into an argument because he said morning and I didn't respond back.

I was sleeping.

When I did respond?

I didn't respond with morning.

I just answered the next question he'd asked.

So he was like:

No.

That's our thing.

When I say morning, you're supposed to say morning back.

We went back and forth on that too.

It wasn't the most playful argument.

But here are two people who are just like:

No.

The first thing I'm gonna do is check in on you.

And my husband's mindset?

I'll get to you when I get to you.

Maybe I'm Just Not Worth It to Him

My first thought is to persuade myself why that's the way it is.

That's just how his brain works.

It's okay.

It doesn't mean anything.

But then there's that nagging thought in the back of my head.

I know he's on his phone the entire time.

I know he is.

It doesn't take much effort to say good morning.

Or hello.

But for him?

That wasn't where his mindset was.

He was going to get to me eventually.

And that's when all the other doubts creep in.

Because I remember when you did this with so-and-so.

With that person you did that.

You were okay with messaging them then.

And I start to wonder if maybe I'm just not worth it to him.

If maybe it's something wrong with me that causes him to be so distant.

There's This Boulder Wedged Between Us

It's not a conversation I have with him.

Because I know if I go to have the conversation?

It's gonna end up in a fight.

He's gonna get upset.

That's not how he feels.

That's not what he was thinking.

We've had this conversation before.

I'm sick of having this conversation.

We keep having this conversation.

So I'm stuck between this rock and this hard place.

Because for me?

It's still there.

It doesn't get absolved.

It doesn't go away.

It doesn't wash away.

I can't make that mountain move.

So I'm on this side of the mountain saying:

Hey.

Can we figure out how to work together to get it moved?

And he's like:

Well, we've already talked about it.

It didn't move.

So I'm not talking about it to move it again.

And there's this boulder.

This rock.

Wedged between us.

I feel like every day the rock gets bigger somehow.

And I don't know how to diminish it.

Maybe We'll Understand Something Better This Time

I don't know how to talk to him about working with me to diminish the rock.

He's very much one of those:

We've had this conversation before.

I've said all I've had to say.

I don't have anything else on the topic.

And I'm one of those:

But feelings change.

Thoughts change.

Maybe we'll understand something better this time.

Maybe we could do something different this time.

He's not like me in that manner.

And I always make it an internal thing.

Somehow that's on me.

Versus:

That's just who he is.

Why Do I Internalize All the Things?

Then I wonder why I do that.

Why do I internalize all the things that happen?

Why is it always because of me?

It's my fault.

Had I done something differently?

Had I said something differently?

Had I approached it differently?

But I'm not approaching anything.

I'm not doing something to him.

I'm simply saying:

Hey.

That's important to me.

I like to be acknowledged.

I'd like to be as close as possible to the first thing on your mind.

I know it's not realistic for me to be the first thing on your mind.

And I don't want that to be the case.

But I'd like to think that when you pick up your phone?

Your first thought is to check in on your wife.

What If Something Happened to Me?

My friend pointed out:

He doesn't have your location.

You could just be dead in a ditch somewhere.

Yeah.

I could be.

And he wouldn't know.

Every time I've felt inadequate in my life?

That has always been the loudest thought.

What if I disappeared?

What if something happened to me?

And I don't mean disappear like I hurt myself.

I mean heaven forbid I'm in an accident.

I'm kidnapped.

Something nefarious happens.

Who would know?

How would anybody know?

If today I passed out and ended up in the emergency room?

Who would know?

Who would care to know?

What Do You Have in Place?

You get a lot of:

I would care.

I'd want to know.

I'd be there for you.

How?

What do you have in place to make sure that if something were to happen to me?

You'd be notified?

You'd get that answer that:

Hey.

There's something wrong.

You need to be by her bedside.

I don't know how many people in my life I have like that.

And it makes me sad.

It makes me feel unimportant.

Because for some people?

They have those contacts.

Those plans in place.

So if something were to happen?

They could count on someone to be there.

In the event of this emergency?

I'm gonna ride or die.

I'm gonna be by your side.

I don't care if I have to take a boat, train, or plane.

I'm going to be there.

You Call Me

For me?

I don't know who I would call.

I don't know who I would have them call.

I don't know that anyone they could call would actually show up.

And I say that knowing Boyfriend would be there in a heartbeat.

I told him that same thing.

I was like:

Hey.

I was just gonna go to the emergency room the other day.

I knew you were busy because you had all the sports things.

And he was like:

"That's not more important."

"You call me."

And I was like:

Well, no.

Because you have your own—

When did I decide that I was so inadequate?

So unimportant?

That if I ended up in the hospital, people would choose football games over me?

I Am Somebody's First Choice

How do I keep letting myself be reminded or confirming that that's the case when it's not?

Yes.

For my husband?

I was not the first thing on his mind this morning.

I was not the first person he reached out to talk to.

And that's okay.

That's his choice.

That's his decision.

I am somebody's first choice.

Somebody wants to be the first person they talk to.

And it feels good.

I'm not inadequate.

I'm just not what I want to be to some people.

One Person Doesn't Make Me Inadequate for Everybody

It's taken me some time to accept that just because that person doesn't see me the way I want them to see me?

Doesn't mean I don't exist as that person.

I may not be what my husband wants or needs.

It's taken a long time to accept that.

I've struggled with:

I'm probably not what he wanted.

I'm probably far from what he currently wants and needs.

Sometimes I wonder if we're married just because we said I do ten years ago.

Not necessarily because we feel like we should be married now.

But that doesn't mean I'm not desired.

That I'm not wanted.

It just means he doesn't feel that way about me.

And that one person feeling that way about me?

Doesn't make me inadequate for everybody.

You Have to Boyfriend Me at Night

I'm learning what my standards are.

What I'm wanting out of life.

So I tell Boyfriend that he has to boyfriend me at night.

And we laugh.

Because again?

When I talk to him, I've got these code things that I say.

You have to boyfriend me at night.

Which means he tells me goodnight.

And that he loves me.

I don't ask my husband to husband me.

Mainly because I don't think that's something he would remember to do.

I don't know if that's something he would enjoy doing.

For him?

It's a given that he feels that way.

So he shouldn't have to keep reminding me.

That Was Never Enough. It's Not That I'm Not Enough.

I'm learning that sometimes it's not that I'm inadequate.

It's that my standards have lessened for some people more than they should have.

And it's okay to say:

Hey.

That was never enough.

It's not that I'm not enough.

The situation just was never enough.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I woke up happy.

And for a moment?

I almost let that happiness go away.

Because instantly I felt inadequate.

I was gonna let that ruin the whole day I had.

But I didn't.

I said:

Again.

He's entitled to feel the way he feels.

That doesn't make me less than.

And I'm so proud of myself for not letting it just weigh on me and ruin my whole day.

I got to talk to my friends.

I plan on relaxing today.

I was supposed to do laundry.

Go for a walk.

I convinced myself to take a nap instead.

I'll probably do that tonight or tomorrow.

I get to go to church with my sister, who invited me.

I reached out to my aunt today.

I've done great things.

And I'm gonna give myself credit for the things I've done.

Because I deserve that.

I deserve to pat myself on the back when I've done something good.

Versus beating up on myself when I didn't meet my expectations.

If you're out there and you're feeling inadequate because somebody doesn't treat you the way you think you should be treated?

Or they don't want you the way you want to be wanted?

Or need to be wanted?

I need you to remember that it's not your inadequacy.

It's their inability to love you or treat you the way your standards and boundaries have set.

That's a them thing.

Not a you thing.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.