Dear Perplexed Me: I'm Not Going to Dim My Light
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Have you ever had an interaction with someone that you thought was simple that just left you confused?
It shouldn't have been difficult.
It should have been one of the easiest interactions.
And yet somehow?
It turned into something that it shouldn't have.
That's How I Grew Up in Church
Yesterday my sister invited me to go to her church.
I accepted.
So I got up this morning.
Got ready.
Went to her church.
And I was having a great time.
I met her friends and her pastor.
They were all making jokes.
We were all laughing.
Perfect.
That's how I grew up in church.
We talked.
We laughed.
We joked.
We got to know each other.
We fellowshipped.
So that felt natural to me.
At the end of service, we all sat down and started talking about the dynamic of our family.
Our names.
All the things that had people going:
Wow.
That's insane.
Yeah.
It is.
But it's our family.
I Forget That You're Married
I was talking about how I wish I still had my last name.
I'm very proud of my last name.
And it was really hard for me to change it.
My sister goes:
"What are you talking about? What do you mean your last name?"
Well, I married legally.
And legally I changed my last name.
"I forget that you're married."
Hmm.
Well, I am.
Throughout the conversation, there were things like that that stood out.
At one point she asked me:
"Where are you from?"
California.
I live in Kansas.
I'm from California.
But I didn't think anything of it.
We continued having conversations and interacting with people.
Then we all decided to go out for lunch.
We Don't Know Much About Each Other
We got to lunch.
Her friend ordered for the table.
Which is fine.
Something everybody could eat.
Everybody liked.
They wanted sweet and sour pork.
I'm not the hugest fan of pork.
Not because it's pork.
I have sensitivity issues with certain things.
The texture of pork is really hard for me to eat.
It's a sensory issue.
So I said:
No.
I don't really like pork.
"You don't eat pork?"
No.
I don't.
Then we got water for the table.
And I really didn't want water.
"You don't drink water?"
I've never liked water.
But again?
I don't expect my sister to know much about me.
We aren't interactive in each other's lives.
We joked about water.
We joked about her cooking because she doesn't necessarily like to cook.
She said she doesn't have time.
We're joking back and forth.
Nothing's wrong with that.
Okay. Who Are You?
Then we started talking about the Bible.
And that started because I mentioned my journals.
Hey.
Do you want to buy a journal from your sister?
Support your big sister?
"Well, I don't know. The economy's hard right now."
It is.
But it's a journal.
You can use it.
"What kind of journal is it? Is it just a journal?"
No.
It has prompts.
It helps you learn who you are.
"I know who I am."
Okay.
Who are you?
"I'm a child of God."
And her friend's like:
Okay.
I said:
Well, what does that mean to you?
"What do you mean?"
You're a child of God.
What does that mean to you?
I'm a Follower of Christ
Here's my thing.
We have many people in this world who claim to be Christian.
Lutherans.
Catholics.
Mormons.
Baptists.
There's a whole gamut of people who are Christians.
What does that mean?
What does that look like?
What does that say about you?
I don't say that I'm Christian because that's such a broad term.
If you ask me?
I'm a follower of Christ.
There are teachings from him that I believe.
That I study.
That I feel represent who I want to be.
What's good for you may not be good for me.
So we're talking about it.
And her friend says her husband has said the same thing.
Calling yourself a Christian doesn't really mean anything because anyone can call themselves a Christian.
And so we talked about that.
Then we started talking about the Bible.
What's Your Favorite Story in the Bible?
We grew up reading the Bible.
We know a good portion of the Bible.
We were church kids.
Our dad used to have Bible study at home.
So I'm asking my sister:
Hey.
What's your favorite story in the Bible?
"What are you talking about?"
Your favorite story in the Bible.
"Why are you being weird?"
I don't understand how I'm being weird.
So I use myself as an example.
Bravo to Ruth. Couldn't Be Me.
There's the book of Ruth.
For those of you who don't know about Ruth?
Ruth was a wife.
Her husband eventually passed.
Her brother-in-law passed.
Her father-in-law passed.
So it was just her, her sister-in-law, and her mother-in-law.
Her mother-in-law tells them:
You guys are young.
You can go back to your family.
Her sister-in-law splits.
Ruth says:
No.
Your people are my people.
Your God is my God.
I'm going to follow you.
And to me?
That is wild.
Because I cannot imagine a world where I want to follow my husband's mom.
No disrespect.
That is just not my mindset.
If you told me I had to spend the rest of my life following behind her?
I would've opted out.
So the fact that Ruth had this idea that that's what she was gonna do?
Bravo to Ruth.
Couldn't be me.
I'm Simply Trying to Have a Conversation
I'm talking about it and asking my sister:
Do you know the story of Ruth?
"Why are you being so weird?"
Then the nine-year-old we were with was like:
"Hey, I know that story."
So he tells the story.
We're talking about it.
Joking back and forth.
Even her friend recognizes:
I'm also not a Ruth.
I could not be a Ruth.
Right?
Simple ha-ha conversation.
So I'm asking my sister:
What stories of the Bible do you like?
"What are you talking about?"
The Bible has stories.
Some of them are really interesting.
What are the ones you like?
"I don't read the Bible for stories. I read it for understanding."
Okay.
So what's your understanding of a story that you read?
"Why are you being so weird?"
I'm not.
I'm trying to talk with you.
I'm simply trying to have a conversation.
Pretend I'm a Sinner
Fine.
Pretend I'm a sinner.
Pretend like I don't know of God.
How would you talk me into coming to church?
"You want me to pretend? Are you trying to tell me something?"
Nope.
Still just trying to have a conversation with you.
"Why are you being so weird?"
Again.
Not being weird.
Simply trying to talk to you.
What if I wanted to do a Bible study?
"If you need to do a Bible study, we could find you somebody."
Well, why can't I do a Bible study with you?
"I'm a busy person."
Okay.
But we make time for the things that are important to us.
Right?
I'm Busy. I'm Busy. I'm Busy.
You hear that so often.
I'm busy.
I'm busy.
I'm busy.
Interesting.
Because if it held your interest?
You would do it.
If it was important to you?
You'd find time for it.
That's how that works.
Text messages.
Dates.
Movies.
Books.
Children.
When something means something to us, we find the time.
So I asked:
You said you have this long commute to work.
What about then?
"My commute to work?"
Yes.
You said you have a long commute to work.
What about then?
"That's between me and God. Not between God, me, and Jamesha."
Okay.
Again.
I'm simply asking about the Bible.
You're a child of God.
You're dedicated to what you're learning.
What you stand on.
Your foundation.
"You're just being weird."
I Just Wanted to Talk to My Sister
At that point?
I stopped talking.
Because I chose what I thought was the safest of conversations.
Seeing as how we'd just come from church.
And yet somehow?
It still turned into a mess.
I don't know how to navigate that.
I don't know how to make it make more sense to her that it's not me calling you out.
It's not me telling you you're right or wrong about anything.
It's simply me wanting to talk to my sister.
And that seemed problematic.
Say Goodbye to Your Sister
Lunch was over.
We were saying our goodbyes.
Her friend came up and gave me a hug.
Said it was great to have me.
They hoped to see me again tonight because they had something going on at five.
Her little boys came up and thanked me for coming.
Said they enjoyed meeting me.
I'm starting to get in my car.
My sister goes:
"I know you parked there."
Okay.
Well, I don't expect you to know my car.
That's fine.
And her friend tells her:
"Say goodbye to your sister."
"Bye."
I got in my car.
And I drove away.
I Don't Know What I Did Wrong
It was just this heavy feeling.
Because I don't know what I did wrong.
I wish I understood it.
I wish I knew.
I really wasn't trying to offend anybody.
Upset anybody.
During lunch, she talked about how she doesn't talk to most of our brothers and sisters.
Great.
Here I am.
Let's talk.
She acknowledged she didn't know much about my life.
Well, I've been married for ten years.
I've been with my husband for twelve.
I have a foster kid.
I own a house.
I have land.
I work with kids for a living.
I really enjoy my job.
I wrote journals.
I'm writing a book.
Because It's Home
"Where are you from?"
California.
But I live in Kansas.
"Why would you come back to California?"
Because it's home.
It will always be home to me.
"It's so expensive."
California has always been expensive.
You were just younger when I left.
So it didn't have the same effect on you.
"Well, I just don't understand why you'd come back here."
My dad's here.
And some of my siblings that I like.
"Some of the siblings that you like?"
Yeah.
I like quite a bit of you guys.
I don't talk to all of you guys.
But you're still my siblings.
She kind of scoffed at that.
And every step of the way?
It felt like I was up against something I could not see.
Maybe That's Just Who She Is
I didn't know how to interact with her where she didn't feel like she had to be defensive.
Maybe I read into it wrong.
Maybe she wasn't being defensive.
Maybe that's just who she is.
I just don't understand why there had to be something wrong with me because I was asking questions.
At some point she picks up the phone.
And I'm like:
Are you texting Mom?
Are you telling on me?
"No."
Okay.
I suspect they're gonna talk about me.
Because that's what happens in my family.
Which is why we're all so strained to begin with.
I've Always Been the Black Sheep
I know I'm the black sheep.
I've always been the black sheep.
I've always been the issue.
So I'm very cautious about the energy I put forth in these relationships.
Because they burn me out so quickly.
Again.
What was supposed to be a great Sunday?
Going to church.
Worshipping God.
Fellowshipping.
Turned into this.
Just for her to send me a text at four-something asking if I was going back to her church tonight at five.
No.
I have a headache.
And I did have a headache.
I'm gonna stay in tonight.
I stayed in bed for a while.
Then I told myself:
You know what I need tonight?
Ice cream.
I Left My House at 6:30 to Get Ice Cream
I don't leave my house after a certain time.
Parking is a nightmare.
And tonight?
I left my house at 6:30 to get ice cream.
Which is indicative of just how strenuous my day was for me.
I don't know what I was hoping for.
I just wanted a relationship with my sister.
I just want a relationship with my family.
And I don't know how to do that.
I don't know how to get that.
I don't know how to navigate wanting a relationship with people who seem so set on not liking me.
And I don't know why they don't like me.
I Just Want a Relationship With My Family
I'm sure if I asked them about it?
It's gonna be:
"That's not true."
"That's not the case."
Really?
Because your interaction with me versus your interaction with the stranger makes no sense.
That was one of the reasons why I don't go to my mom's church.
Way back when I was dating Mark?
Mark and I and the girls went to her church.
And my mom sat across the aisle from me.
Would not acknowledge me.
How do you sit in a church and act like you don't know your own daughter?
That's insane to me.
I Don't Understand That Mentality
People talk about church hurt.
How you can't hold the church for what people do because people are flawed.
Yes.
But they're also a representation of that church.
And if they're going to continue to have those behaviors and nothing's gonna change?
That's what people are going to assume happens with that church.
I cannot go sit in a church with my family and have them smile and laugh and hug me at church in front of people.
Then the minute we get out of church?
They act like they don't know who I am.
I don't understand that mentality.
So I walked away feeling really perplexed.
How did that go so wrong?
What did I do that was so wrong?
I'm Trying to Please People Who Can't Be Pleased
I struggle with wanting to please people.
Wanting to make them happy.
And in my family?
That's always my downfall.
Because I'm trying to please people who can't be pleased.
I will never meet their standards.
I will never meet the level they want me to be at.
I don't even know if it's realistic.
I don't know what it looks like.
I just know that I am me.
My life isn't traditional by their standards.
I Just Didn't Invite Anybody
I'm married.
They weren't invited to my wedding.
They wouldn't have come.
I explained that to someone today.
"Why didn't you have your family at your wedding?"
Because I know if I had invited them?
No one would've come to Kansas.
And rather than feel bad that nobody cared enough to show up to my wedding?
I just didn't invite anybody.
The last time I was talking about getting married?
I wanted my sisters in it.
We were planning this big wedding.
And the first thing they started to do?
Complain about the dresses they were gonna wear.
"I'm not wearing that."
"I wouldn't be caught dead in that."
It's not your wedding.
"Well, if that's what I'm wearing, I'm not gonna be in it."
Okay.
Okay.
It's the Little Comment Nobody Sees
People wonder how mental health happens.
It's not an overnight thing.
It's shaped.
It's carved out.
It's the little comment that nobody sees and hears.
It's the looks of disdain for being different.
It's the pressure to feel like you're being perfect in a family you could never be perfect for.
Tonight I got to remember why it's so hard for me interacting with my family.
And I got to question if it's something I want to do.
I Can't Do It on My Own
It's still something I want to keep trying.
It's why I came out here.
For my dad.
And to try to make amends to the best of my ability.
I can't do it on my own.
And I'm not going to keep putting myself in a situation where I'm gonna hurt me, emotionally speaking, to make friends with people who don't want me in their life.
It's gonna be okay that I might have to be on my own.
And I have to accept that.
While it's sad?
Today was an indication of why that is.
I may have to love them at arm's length.
I'm Still Gonna Be Me
If they don't want to let me in?
If they don't want to get to know the person I am versus the person they've decided I am?
That is their loss.
I'm still gonna be me.
I'm still gonna learn who I am.
I'm still gonna love who I am.
I'm still gonna love who I'm becoming.
I'm still gonna write a story where I am the hero.
I'm the winner.
I love.
And I care.
Either they get to be a part of that?
Or they don't.
My Bite of Pie
My bite of pie today?
I went to church.
And I had a phenomenal time.
I took the time to give myself an out when it wasn't working for me.
I took meds if my head was hurting.
And if you know me?
That's a huge deal.
I hate taking meds for something like a headache.
But if it's bad enough?
I will.
Then I gave myself a little treat when I needed a pick-me-up.
I went and got my ice cream.
And sometimes that's what a great day looks like.
The expectation isn't that the whole day has to be great.
At some point in time, we have to acknowledge that one thing going wrong doesn't mean the whole thing has gone wrong.
There was one moment today where things didn't go the way I wanted them to.
And there was one moment where my sister and I had our arms wrapped around each other.
We were praying.
And it felt good.
It felt right.
One doesn't erase the other.
That's not how it's supposed to work.
I'm Not Going to Dim My Light
If you're out there and you're curious as to why relationships are so bumpy when they don't need to be?
Or you're curious as to how something so simple and small in your eyes turned out to be a monstrosity for no reason?
You're not alone at all.
I'm still trying to figure things out at the ripe old age of 43.
Why relationships go south when nothing happened.
When nothing was said.
And maybe it's because of that.
Maybe it's because nothing happens and nothing was said.
All I know is I can do my best.
And you can only do your best.
People are either gonna accept it?
Or they're gonna have to walk away from it.
Because I'm not gonna dim my light.
I'm not gonna dumb myself down to be who you want me to be to make yourself feel better.
Tonight I write another page.
Because today's page was really weird for me.
Tomorrow my page starts off with me going to work.
And I choose to be happy about that.
I choose to be happy that I get off early tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
I'm deciding now is gonna be a good day.
That's how I'm writing that page.
Today is another page in the story.
It does not have to be perfect.
It just has to be written.
Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:
What was your bite of pie today?
Until tomorrow,
Love you loud.
