Dear Panicked Me: I'm Loved Even When It's Not Right in Front of My Face
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Have you ever had an interaction with someone that you thought went really well?
But then you didn't hear from them?
And then you just panicked?
Like your mind automatically goes to:
You must have done something wrong.
That is the bubble that I live in.
I Didn't Hear From Boyfriend
Today I got up.
Had a normal morning.
Minus one little thing.
I didn't hear from Boyfriend.
And it's not typical for him not to message me in the morning.
He'd spoken to me briefly yesterday.
I knew he was busy.
He works at Levi's Stadium.
So I expected him to be tied up with things.
He got back to me before he went to bed.
But today?
It's just been really quiet.
And for me, that automatically means I must have done something wrong.
Everything's Fine. So Why Do I Still Feel Like I've Done Something Wrong?
My brain automatically associates any type of change in a routine with me messing something up.
Now, he didn't say that.
Didn't imply it.
I actually talked to him today.
I called him to make sure everything was okay.
He was good.
He answered my phone call right away.
He spoke to me.
It was great.
And yet, as I sit here at a quarter to eight tonight?
I still feel like I've done something wrong.
You see, I can't help but get in my head.
I know when I'm doing it.
I'm aware that it's happening.
But until I can have that actual conversation with him that says:
No.
Everything's fine.
I'm going to worry.
Everything is not fine.
And I've done something wrong.
Are You Mad at Me?
The amount of times I've asked him:
Are you mad at me?
Did I do something wrong?
For him to ask me:
"Am I supposed to be mad at you?"
"Do you think you've done something wrong?"
I don't know.
I just automatically assume that.
I automatically assume people must be upset with me.
That I've angered them.
That I've done something to make them not like me.
I've been this way since I was a kid.
As a kid, if you were walking through the store and you looked my way?
And I thought you looked at me mean?
I automatically burst into tears.
And assumed you didn't like me.
It Has to Be Somehow My Fault
This has been an innate trait of mine for as long as I can remember.
Somehow I pick up on these feelings of animosity.
Disregard.
And I internalize them.
It can't be that someone's having a bad day.
It can't be that someone's busy.
It has to be somehow my fault.
I wish I knew what triggered that.
I wish I knew what made me automatically assume that everything was my fault.
Why I take on the burden of everybody else's feelings and thoughts.
Logically?
I know that's not true.
I have no control over what people think.
How they feel.
What they say.
What they do.
Now You Have to Fix It
And yet my mental status does not care about logic.
It says:
You must have done something.
And now you have to fix it.
Then as I attempt to fix it?
It's the other voice that says:
You're bothering them.
Leave them alone.
The amount of friendships I've let go by the wayside because I don't want to bother them.
Because I think I've upset them.
And if I bother them?
It's gonna upset them more.
If I reach out to find out why they're angry?
And then they're not angry?
Then they're going to get angry because I thought they were angry.
And then what do I do?
How do I fix it?
I'm Not Even Sure What I Should Be Sorry For
I can say I'm sorry.
But I say that an awful lot.
And at this point?
I'm not even sure what I should be sorry for.
I know I've done something.
Supposedly.
And that I should feel bad about it.
But I don't know what it is.
I don't know how I got there.
It's a never-ending cycle.
I wish things could just be.
Hey.
Maybe he's just busy.
Let it be.
I Actually Had a Great Day
I was busy today.
I had things to do.
It wasn't like I was checking my phone all day long.
I got up for work.
Left on time.
And still managed to get there super early.
I talked to a job today.
I applied for other jobs today.
I know.
I know.
I shouldn't be doing that.
But I did.
I had a good day at work.
Went smoothly.
Got home fairly quickly.
Sat down.
Did my trainings today.
No issue.
Talked to my two friends back home.
Laughed and joked about all the things that were going on.
I Needed That Girl Yes
I got to have some quality girl time with my friend.
Got to give her the gossip.
And we laughed and joked about that.
Laughed with my other friend because he was like:
"Why can't I know the gossip?"
Well, you kind of do know the gossip.
Not in as much detail as she does.
Because she thinks more like me.
When I say things?
It's like:
Girl, yes.
Where he's just like:
"What?"
And I needed that girl yes.
It was a great day.
I interacted with all the people except for one.
And so I feel like I've done something bad.
Wrong.
I don't know how to shake the feeling.
My Brain Has This Superpower of Overanalyzing Everything
I don't know how to stop blaming myself for things that aren't my fault.
But I do the same thing with my family.
Sunday happened.
And my first thought was:
I upset my sister.
It wasn't intentional.
I wasn't meaning to upset my sister.
I wasn't meaning to be weird or strange.
But now it's:
Well, do I go to the church again?
Because clearly that didn't work out.
She seemed really bothered by me being there at the end.
And then it's just excuse upon excuse upon excuse.
It must have been something I did or said.
I don't even have social anxiety.
I'm great in public places.
Great in social situations.
And yet?
It's when I get home from those situations.
My brain has this superpower of overanalyzing everything I've done.
Everything I've said.
The way I looked when I said it.
The way I looked when I did it.
They Didn't Laugh at That Joke
My gosh.
This person must think this of me because of that.
I don't even know some of these people.
But I could convince you why they don't like me.
Well, they didn't laugh at that joke.
So they probably think I'm stupid.
Well, I said something and they just kind of stared blankly at me.
Maybe I said it wrong.
Maybe I didn't explain myself right.
Then it's this instant panic.
How do I fix it?
What do I do?
Where do I go?
Even as I sit here writing in my journal?
Every part of me wants to pick up the phone.
Call him.
And say:
So.
Are you mad at me?
Did I do something wrong?
I Could Just Pick Up the Phone
I'd like to say that when I get off from doing my journal?
I won't make that phone call.
But I also know that if I don't make that phone call?
It's going to be me laying in bed all night long beating up myself.
When I could've just picked up the phone and said:
Hey.
Is everything okay?
Then I hate having to do that.
I hate feeling that needy.
Because that's what it feels like to me.
My gosh.
You need constant attention.
And it's not that I need constant attention.
But I do need the reassurance.
Those two could seem a lot like each other to the wrong people.
If I Was a Bird
I know I often ask my husband for reassurance.
And I know it gets old.
The amount of times I ask him if he loves me.
Or if I'm his favorite.
If he would be a bird if I was a bird.
I need to know that I am not pushing everybody away successfully.
And I think that's what it comes down to.
I'm so good at keeping people at bay.
Sometimes it's intentional.
Other times it's not.
I decided a long time ago that there's a two-year limit for me.
People can deal with me in two-year time spans.
And then after that?
They want to walk away.
What If One Day He Decides I'm Not Worth It?
I think that scares me.
That this person who's been a part of my life for 15 years?
Could one day wake up and be like:
Why have I been doing this?
She's not worth it.
And in the back of my mind?
I would say he's right.
I'm not worth it.
I don't feel like I'm worth it.
I feel like sometimes I get really lucky.
Or really blessed.
And I get these people in my life who mean the world to me.
And I don't understand why they put up with me.
But the minute I feel like it's being pulled from underneath my feet?
I spiral.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to act.
I don't know how to fix the problem.
I want to.
I'd like to.
Sometimes People Can't Always Do the Things They Do
I'd like to be able to just say:
It's okay.
It's working the way it's supposed to.
There are going to be days where people can't always do the things they do.
Right?
That doesn't mean something is fundamentally wrong.
Right?
So today I'm trying not to burn myself out.
While also trying not to burn up my friendship by being a brat.
Or annoying.
Or obnoxious.
Which is how I'm feeling.
I'm trying to self-soothe and tell myself that it's okay.
Although that's not how I feel.
I'm Going to Do Some Comfort Things for Myself
So tonight?
I'm going to do some comfort things for myself.
I'm going to eat a bowl of cereal.
Because that sounds amazing.
And I'm going to put something on my TV.
I was thinking about watching a movie.
But listening to a thunderstorm right now?
Sounds so peaceful.
And I'm gonna remember that I'm loved.
Even when it's not right in front of my face.
Just Because It's Not There Doesn't Mean It Doesn't Exist
Object permanence.
Just because it's not there doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
But for me?
That's generally how it works.
If you're not trying to see me or talk to me?
Then you've forgotten about me.
And you don't want me.
I think that's what makes Kansas so hard for me.
Because I'm convinced that everyone's gonna be better off without me.
And they're gonna forget about me.
The first reaction is to run back so that doesn't happen.
If I Could Keep Them All in My Pocket, I Would
My husband's doing really well.
My kid's doing pretty well.
They tell me they miss me.
But it's hard for me to believe.
My husband says one of my dogs has been super clingy since I left.
And it makes me sad.
Because I don't want that for any of them.
And if I could keep them all in my pocket?
I would.
I am terrified that all the people who know me are gonna realize that I'm a phony.
That I don't deserve the love and the care or respect they give me.
The problem is?
That's not true.
It's just how I feel some days.
So it's something to work on.
Something to improve upon.
I Wrote the Page the Way I Wanted To
I said last night on my podcast that I was going to have a good day.
That I was going to write today as a good day.
And honestly?
It was a really good day.
Minus the little panic.
I had a good day.
I wrote the page the way I wanted it to.
I did the things that made me happy.
I sang.
I danced.
I laughed.
I interacted with people I wanted to interact with.
It was a good day.
My Bite of Pie
My bite of pie today?
I set a goal last night to write a page that I was gonna be proud of.
And I did that today.
I said last night that the page of my story I was writing today?
Was going to be me having a good day.
And I followed through.
I talk about and I push this idea that we are the authors of our stories.
Every day we get to choose how we're going to write it.
I was going to write a page today where I was happy.
And I was.
Again?
Being happy doesn't mean something doesn't happen.
Overall, though?
It was a good day.
I think sometimes good days have a little bit of sadness in them.
That's normal.
So if you're feeling less than optimistic about how things are going?
If you're feeling panicked about relationships because you can't see them?
You can't touch them?
So you're not so sure if they're there?
Tomorrow when you get up?
Rewrite that page.
Reach out.
Say hi.
Ask:
Is it all in my head?
Is there something wrong?
And then we go from there.
Tomorrow I Just Want to Make the Kid Laugh
Tomorrow?
Let's see what I want to write about.
I have training again.
But this time I think I'm training with a kiddo.
So tomorrow my page is going to look like getting the kid to laugh.
That's it.
I just want to make the kid laugh.
And if I can get that?
I'll say I had a good day.
So when I write in my journal tomorrow?
When we get to talk to each other?
That's what I hope I get to come back and tell you.
Today is another page in the story.
It does not have to be perfect.
It just has to be written.
Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:
What was your bite of pie today?
Until tomorrow,
Love you loud.
