Dear Happily Exhausted Me: I Would Rather Be Exhausted and Happy
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Have you ever stayed up way longer than you should have?
Just gabbing along with a friend.
Talking about something that's so innocent but so sweet?
Something that makes you smile?
And you just can't help but keep talking about it?
Yeah.
I was up way too late last night.
The More They Made Me Smile, the More I Wanted to Talk About Them
I knew I should have gone to bed.
But I was just reminiscing over certain events that have passed.
And they made me smile.
And the more they made me smile?
The more I wanted to talk about them.
It wasn't anything spectacular.
It wasn't anything big.
It was just sweet little moments that meant something to me.
Things that probably mean nothing to anybody else.
And I find that those are the moments where I'm the happiest.
It's in the way someone says good morning.
Or good night.
Or in the way that you just know things are peaceful.
It Was Like He Knew
Yesterday we talked about me being panicked because I was worried that I had upset my friend.
Boyfriend.
And I said I wasn't gonna call.
And I didn't.
I got off my podcast.
I put everything away.
Then I picked up my phone.
And there was a message from him.
It was like he knew.
He knew.
And again?
We didn't have this long, overdue, complicated conversation.
It was simple.
This is how my day went.
I'm going to bed.
Okay.
And it instantly made me feel better.
Instead of assuming that he was mad at me?
I was just at peace.
My Nervous System Just Relaxed
I laid there in bed thinking about it.
And I instantly went from being super panicked about it?
To super calm.
Like my nervous system just relaxed.
And that in and of itself made me smile.
I don't know why the feelings I have are so extreme and strong.
But I know that they are.
When I feel loved?
Man.
Do I feel loved.
Everything reminds me of being loved.
Being cared for.
Taken care of.
Seen.
Heard.
But when I feel down?
Everybody hates me.
Nobody wants me.
I'm not good enough for anything.
Or anybody.
Two Sides of the Same Coin
And that always interests me.
Because they're two sides of the same coin.
They're always front and back.
For me?
It's always one or the other.
Even as I sit here now doing my podcast?
I just got a message from Boyfriend.
And that is how that goes.
It's almost like he can hear me when I'm taking my thoughts out into the world.
When I'm trying to figure out how to be the best me.
I don't know what the connection is.
I don't understand why the connection exists.
I just know it's been very nice to have somebody in the last 15 years who just gets it.
There's Beauty in the Lack of Knowing
Today I was talking to a friend about the nuances of our relationship with Boyfriend.
And we were laughing.
Because sometimes he says things.
Sometimes he does things.
And when you put them together?
You're just like:
What the hell?
Where are you going with that?
But there's beauty in it.
There's beauty in the lack of knowing.
It probably doesn't make a lot of sense.
Because honestly?
It doesn't make a lot of sense.
But to me?
I understand it.
Some People Are Just Effortless
Some people I just have effortless relationships with.
I meet those people?
And wonders happen.
It's like I've been seen for the first time.
It's like they understand me without explanation.
It's peaceful.
And there are very few people in the world that I give that to.
The first person that I ever respectfully gave that to?
Was my grandmother.
I felt like I was just everything to her.
She was my person.
Then she wasn't there.
And it was a long time before I had another person.
I Attach Hard
And I think when I find these people?
Because they're so rare?
I attach.
And I attach hard.
And I feel like sometimes I'm sucking the life out of them.
Not intentionally.
Not because I'm unwell.
But because I'm clinging to that feeling of someone understanding me.
Wanting me.
Wanting to be a part of my life.
And it feels amazing.
Sometimes That's All I Can Work With
I don't know how things are supposed to go.
I don't have a plan for how they will turn out.
I have a plan for how I want them to be.
And sometimes?
That's all I can work with.
Today I said that I wanted to make a kid smile.
And I did that.
I made a few kids smile today.
And work was really good.
Despite the fact that I was tired.
Nope. This Is Not Gonna Work.
I'm supposed to get up at five in the morning.
I woke up at three.
And I was hungry.
But I didn't go to bed until almost eleven.
I finally convinced myself to go back to sleep by four.
Then woke up at five and was like:
Nope.
This is not gonna work.
So I set my alarm for six.
Then 6:30.
At 6:45?
I figured I should probably get up and go to work.
I was exhausted.
But happily so.
I Sang and I Danced and I Laughed
I got up.
I got dressed.
I got in my car.
I put on music.
I sang.
I danced.
I laughed.
And while the day could have gone terribly wrong?
I could've been miserable.
I could've made everybody miserable around me.
That wasn't the case.
I enjoyed my day.
I think part of that is learning how to recognize when things don't go my way?
It doesn't mean the world's ending.
It doesn't mean the day is ruined.
It doesn't mean my life is ruined.
It just means that it's a moment.
I Just Let Myself Enjoy the Day
Today?
I didn't have those moments.
I just let myself enjoy the day.
Now, is it gonna be that easy tomorrow?
No.
Because Current Me is not setting up Future Me very well.
Current Me needs gas in her car.
Current Me does not want to go get gas in her car.
Future Me will have to get up early to do so.
And Future Me probably won't be very happy about it.
And I will deal with that then.
Some Days Are Made to Just Be Happily Exhausted
Tonight?
I'm just going to enjoy smiling.
Laughing.
Being.
Because some days are made to just be happily exhausted.
Some days are just you smiling and making it through.
I'm happy with that.
I'm happy that I can still find the joy in gabbing with a friend.
Talking about the boy down the street.
The item that made me laugh.
The sign that I saw that was silly.
Sometimes it's necessary to just kind of let life be life.
And today?
That's what it felt like.
I Felt Like That High School Girl Again
I felt like I was that high school girl.
Talking with your friends like:
My gosh.
This happened.
And my goodness.
This happened next.
It was fun.
It was needed.
It was worthwhile.
And given the chance to do last night all over again?
I would choose not sleeping.
I would choose being exhausted.
I would rather be exhausted and happy than to have slept well and be miserable.
Something's Changing
Something's changing.
Something's happening.
I'm making plans for me.
And that's such a big deal.
I'm so great at making plans for everybody else.
And this time?
They're specific for me.
I'm making moves.
I'm doing things that I didn't think I would do.
I feel like life is starting.
At 43 years old?
My life is starting.
I'm Enjoying the Life I'm Building Here
And I don't mean that in a way that my Kansas life doesn't exist.
I love my Kansas life too.
I love the people in my Kansas life.
But even as I know that?
Even as I recognize that?
I'm not afraid to say that I'm enjoying the life that I'm building here.
I'm enjoying becoming the me that I missed.
The girl who did things for herself.
Took care of herself.
Loved herself.
The girl who would get minimal amounts of sleep?
Not because she was crying herself to sleep.
Not because she wasn't happy with something that happened through the day.
Just purely because?
It was a good day.
My Bite of Pie
My bite of pie today?
I did make a kid smile like I said I wanted to.
And I gushed over a friend today.
I went through memories on my phone of randomness.
I met someone new today who I really liked.
She seemed really nice.
It's unfortunate that I probably won't talk to her again.
But she was very like-minded.
Just instantly.
Today I went to work exhausted.
And I still smiled.
And had a great day.
That was my bite of pie.
Sometimes?
That's all you need.
So if you're tired and you don't want to do anything but smile?
Do it.
Find the thing that makes you smile.
Find the person that makes you giggle.
And do it.
Life is short.
And we spend so much time worrying about all the negative things.
All the bad things.
All the time.
Sometimes we forget that it's okay to be silly and free.
It's okay to stay up all night long talking to a friend about the most random things.
It's okay to go through memories and remember all the times that you felt loved and cared for.
Sometimes it's necessary.
Today is another page in the story.
It does not have to be perfect.
It just has to be written.
Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:
What was your bite of pie today?
Until tomorrow,
Love you loud.
