Dear Loving Me: I Don't Have to Stop Loving

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Have you ever caught yourself pouring so much into someone but not getting it back?

It's that you love so hard.

So much.

That you don't know how to contain it.

Today?

That's been on my mind.

I love hard and big.

I love with detail.

I see you.

I hear you.

And I want you to know that you're seen and heard.

It Only Took the One Time

I was thinking about a past gift that I gave someone.

In passing?

We'd had a conversation about Cirque du Soleil.

He mentioned that he'd wanted to go.

One time.

Passing conversation.

That was it.

And for Christmas?

I got him tickets to a show.

And a hotel to stay at because it was in the city.

I remember the look on his face when I told him about it.

He was so surprised.

Extremely happy.

And it was:

"But I've only mentioned it once."

It only took the one time.

It Was All About Him

We planned the trip.

Made reservations.

He worked out in the city, so he was able to find the place that he wanted to eat the most.

I let him decide that.

It was all about him.

We got to dinner.

Sat there.

Had a great meal.

Talked.

Enjoyed our time together.

Then I remember us catching a car so we could go to the show.

And he was surprised because I didn't get the far-back seats.

I got good seats.

Because if you're gonna do something?

Go big or go home.

I Watched Him Watch the Show

Watching him watch the show?

It was the same feeling that is evoked when you watch your kids open their Christmas presents.

Or birthday presents they're really excited for.

He just wore it all over his face.

So I watched him watch the show.

When it was over?

We made our way back to the hotel.

We were debating whether we should walk or get a car.

Apparently where we saw the show wasn't too far from the hotel.

He was like:

"It's just a couple blocks. Do you wanna walk?"

Yes.

Yes, I would.

"Are you sure? Because you've got heels on."

And I smile at that memory now.

Because I would've walked across Lagos at that time just to enjoy that walk with him.

Holding hands.

Walking through the city.

On a gorgeous night.

Just perfection.

For me?

I saw him.

And I loved him.

And he got to know that he was seen and loved.

And Then It Was Reciprocated

Then I thought about the time that was reciprocated.

He decided we were gonna go away for the weekend.

And he planned a trip.

In my mind?

Those things only happen in movies.

Where a guy says:

"Hey, I'm going to plan this vacation. We're gonna go. We're gonna enjoy ourselves."

That just doesn't happen.

And so he planned it.

I remember us going to the Russian River here in California.

We had a little cabin.

We didn't do anything fancy.

But we did something that was perfect.

I remember sitting in bed.

Eating shrimp scampi pizza.

Yelling at the basketball game.

And him just sitting there with me.

Enjoying our time together.

It couldn't have been more perfect.

And I didn't have to ask for it.

It's Amazing How You React When You're Feeling Seen

I guess where that comes from today?

It's amazing how you react when you're feeling seen or heard.

Earlier this morning?

My day was just rocked.

I woke up from a nightmare.

And the nightmare continued out from the dream.

It didn't end.

I was jolted awake.

Kind of panicking about it.

I thought I'd reach out to somebody.

Like:

Hey, this is what happened.

But that made it worse.

Not better.

I was not in the headspace this morning that said I was in a positive mood.

So much to the point where I put on rock music.

I do listen to rock music.

It's not my typical go-to music.

But I just needed to scream.

If I'm Around Kids, Those Are My Kids

I listened to that until I calmed down.

Then I went on to work.

I got to work and knew it was gonna be a good day.

It's one of the good days that we have.

I'm working.

I'm planning.

Because I have this intervention that I want to try with a student.

It's not my student.

But it's my student.

If you know anything about me?

If I'm around kids?

Those are my kids.

I'm going to take care of them all as if they belong to me.

That's just who I am.

I'm not gonna ignore one kid for another.

Wanna Go for a Walk?

There are these kids in my class who have big personalities.

And the big personalities play off each other.

Sometimes that means things don't get done.

So I volunteered to put myself in a group with them.

Okay.

We're gonna see how this goes.

And it was just:

Talking.

Talking.

Talking.

Talking.

Talking.

Hitting.

Playing back and forth.

Doing what teens do.

I asked one time:

"Hey, do you need a break?"

No.

Don't need a break.

Then the teacher says:

"I have a package for you."

And gives it to one of the students.

The student just kind of looks at it like:

What am I supposed to do with this?

So I say:

"Hey, let's work on that."

He starts to.

Then acknowledges that there's a lot of distractions.

And I say:

"Wanna go for a walk? I'll take you for a walk."

He's like:

"Yeah."

Okay.

Bring your assignment.

He Did Three Pages

As we walked around the school?

He did it.

He answered the questions.

He sat down and processed it all.

He talked to me about it.

We're talking about:

Hey, what's the disconnect?

What do we need help with?

What do we not need help with?

This kid did three pages of work in the time we had.

Then got back to class and was like:

"Hey, teacher. I did three pages."

Sat down to do more work.

And when the friend started talking to him?

"Shh. I'm busy. I'm working."

I love loving someone so much that I can have that effect.

Absolutely. I Would Love to Explain It to You.

This is a student who shows up to school every day and is just there.

Bright.

Intelligent kid.

But you can tell school just isn't the interest.

For me?

Success looked like he sat down and worked on his pages.

And when he had questions?

"Well, can you explain this to me?"

Absolutely.

I would absolutely love to explain it to you.

"Hey, how are we doing in other classes?"

Well?

Okay.

Great.

Bring them in.

We'll sit down.

We'll do it together.

Okay.

I Feel Loved When Someone Sees Me

I feel loved when someone sees me.

When someone recognizes that I need something without me having to tell them.

It's recognizing that he wanted tickets to the show.

Him recognizing that I needed a weekend away.

Me recognizing that this student just needed someone one-on-one.

The world changes when you feel like you're being loved.

And in every interaction that I have?

I try to make people feel that.

Gifts Become More Fun When They Mean Something

I am a gift giver based on emotion.

Strong emotions.

Yes.

Will you tell me what you want and I buy that?

Absolutely.

But for me?

Gifts become more fun when they get to mean something.

My bestie's birthday is in February.

I know any gift I would've given her?

She would've been thankful for.

Any gift.

I could've said:

"Hey, I made your cheesecake."

And she would've been over the moon.

But since I've known her?

She's wanted an iPad.

Couldn't afford an iPad.

So I said:

I'm gonna get her an iPad.

Her Favorite Color Is Pink

Now, I had an extra one at home.

I had bought it for my husband.

He decided he didn't want it.

And I went back and forth.

Well?

I could give her that one.

Again?

She would accept it.

Wouldn't have a problem with it.

But her favorite color is pink.

She would love a pink one.

Then it's:

No.

No.

Don't do that.

You've got this other one at home.

And you want one yourself.

So just give her the blue one.

Buy yourself the yellow one.

So I go down to the store.

And what do I do?

I get myself a yellow one.

And I get her a pink one.

And I get her all the things to make it great.

I See You

I just wanted her to know that she was loved.

She was cared for.

She was seen.

It doesn't always take big and expensive gifts.

That wasn't the point.

It was:

Hey.

You've been talking about this since I've known you.

You've had money come in.

Money go out.

And never once have you said:

Let me take care of it and buy it myself.

Let me do this for me.

Okay.

You work hard being a mom.

Taking care of your kids.

I see you.

Somebody Actually Sees Them

I have a friend who lives in the city.

He will constantly do for others.

And will not do for himself.

He will let all his clothes just fall to pieces if it meant making me happy.

So what do I do?

Just a delivery to the house full of pants.

Or:

You know what?

Your life would be a lot easier if you had this cooker at your home.

So hey.

I got that for you.

It's not just about buying things for people.

Yes.

That's easy to do.

And it's a great feeling when you can give somebody a gift and they appreciate it.

It's more than that.

It's them getting the chance to realize that someone actually sees them.

Someone actually loves them.

Somebody actually cares.

That's important to me.

I Wanted It to Mean Something

When I designed my journal?

For the people.

For myself.

I put into it what I would put into my gifts.

I wanted it to mean something.

I wanted the person to pick it up and say:

Wow.

This is a gift for me.

To me.

It was important to me.

It was important for me that I showed you that I saw you.

I cared about you.

I loved you.

Through my words.

That's all I know how to be.

I Almost Let Someone Take Away Who I Was

I almost let someone change that for me.

I almost let someone take away who I was.

And I'm glad that I'm catching it.

Because I had said:

Never again will I put that much effort into a gift.

Never again will I be that sentimental.

Never again will I give myself to someone that way that didn't appreciate it.

That's not who I am.

All I know is how to love.

And to care.

And to take care of people.

And that's okay.

It's still great.

That's me.

It will always be me.

I Don't Have to Change That for Someone Else

I don't have to change that for someone else.

They can be distant.

Or not appreciate the finer things in life.

But that doesn't mean I have to stop loving.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

Seeing a student in need and reaching out to them.

And them saying:

"No, I get that."

"Does that make sense?"

"Hey, I can do that."

Yeah.

Yeah, you can.

You absolutely can.

You can go so far.

Because you can get it.

Because you can do it.

My bite of pie today was remembering that I'm a loving person.

That I care deeply.

Not everybody appreciates that.

And that sucks sometimes.

But that doesn't mean I need to change who I am to accommodate that.

It just means that I love people who want to be loved.

Everyone deserves it.

But not everybody wants it.

And I'm learning that.

I don't have to keep giving it to everybody just because that's who I am.

It hurts having that rejected.

So maybe?

I'm just more picky.

More selective about who I give that to.

If you're out there and you're feeling slighted?

Unimportant?

Unseen?

I see you.

I hear you.

If I could give you your perfect gift?

You'd have it.

You'd have it.

If you are remembering the person that you were before someone tore you down?

Before you let them decide who you should be versus who you are?

I'm here.

I go through it too.

I just need you to remember:

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.