Dear Doubtful Me: Your Track Record Says You've Got This

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Have you ever known yourself to have the ability to do something?

And still doubt yourself?

You know you have the skills.

It's not a question.

You know how to do it.

You've been doing it for years.

And yet?

You still doubt yourself.

I Know How to Do My Job

Today I had some training that involved a boss and a client.

And I'm a great RBT.

I know how to do my job.

I do it well.

I connect with clients.

I present the things I need to present.

I teach the things I need to know how to teach.

Works wonderfully.

And today?

During what they call an overlap for my training?

The supervisor was asking me questions.

And I just felt so dumb.

So dumb.

The Minute I Was Supposed to Think of the Term, Nothing

I could describe what to do.

I could show him how to do it.

Then the minute I was supposed to think of the term?

Nothing.

He kept trying to give me hints.

Asking leading questions.

And I felt like I had no business in my field.

Mind you?

This is for a part-time job.

Of a job I have a full-time job for.

That I've been doing for two years.

I know my stuff.

I know it so well.

I know what to do.

I know how to do it.

And yet?

I instantly felt like I was the dumbest person.

I Do This With Everything

Then I realized how often I do that.

Someone gets upset with me?

They don't love me.

They don't care.

I get something wrong?

I'm stupid.

I don't know how to do it.

I loved.

And I lost.

So I've never loved at all.

I don't know what love is.

I don't know how to love.

Everything I think that I know?

Instantly becomes something I tell myself I don't know.

No.

You got it wrong.

No.

That's not how it worked.

No.

That's not where it meets up.

And I do it so consistently.

One Thing Doesn't Cancel Out Everything I Know

I wish I would give myself a chance.

I wish I would tell myself:

No.

You not knowing in that particular moment?

Doesn't mean you don't know what you're talking about.

One thing doesn't cancel out all the knowledge that you have.

I'm smart.

I'm bright.

I'm quite articulate.

I'm here.

And yet every day I must ask my friend:

Am I doing good at my podcast?

Well, I only have 30 followers.

Well, only six people listen to me.

And he constantly reminds me:

You've been doing this since June.

And you have people who listen to you.

You've Showed Up Every Night

You've showed up every night faithfully.

To write your journal entry.

For somebody who may need to hear it.

Yes.

You're doing a good job.

Well, but everybody doesn't like it.

Well?

Everyone wasn't going to like it.

That doesn't mean you're doing horribly.

Well, maybe I should just give up.

But I don't want to give up.

I Want Things to Magically Be Perfect

I want things to magically be perfect.

I want it to always be perfect.

I want everyone to love it.

I want everybody to understand it.

I want everybody to feel loved.

I want everybody to feel heard.

And then it's:

I'm one person.

How do I do that?

How do I contribute to people feeling seen?

People feeling heard?

The answer is:

I keep showing up.

Watch Me

I don't have to be perfect in what I do.

Or how I say it.

I don't get on here pretending to be perfect.

And presenting myself that way.

I have doubts.

I have fears.

I have feelings.

Sometimes those doubts and fears and feelings?

They're overwhelming.

They tell me I can't do something I know I can do.

You can't start a podcast.

That's silly.

Watch me.

You won't keep up with it.

You'll quit days into it.

I'll prove you wrong.

I Am Probably My Biggest Hater

Every step of the way?

I am probably my biggest hater.

What do you think you're doing?

That's not gonna work.

Why not me?

Why can't I have the unwavering faith in myself that I put into so many other people?

You know what I mean?

Like that person who's let you down multiple times?

But you have that little bit of hope that it's gonna be different.

That friend who never shows up?

One day they're gonna be there.

And it's gonna be great.

One day that partner is going to love you the way you want them to love you.

That parent is gonna see you the way you want them to see you.

Your kids will respect you the way you want them to respect you.

You want those things.

You have hope in those things.

And yet?

The minute you need any of that for yourself?

All you have left is doubt.

Maybe I'm Not Good Enough for This

That's what I felt like today.

I'm sitting there.

Picking at my fingernails.

Distancing myself from the idea that maybe?

Maybe I'm not good for this job.

Maybe I'm not good enough for something I studied for.

Something I took a test for.

And passed.

I am certified at my job.

I took a test.

And passed it.

And still today?

I questioned what I knew.

I Question How I Love Too

I question how I love.

Well, if I loved correctly?

Then I wouldn't hurt when I love somebody.

If I loved correctly?

That love would heal the person that I love.

If I were able to do the things I want to be able to do?

The world would be a better place.

But because I'm so incapable?

That's why things are the way they are.

How many times have you told yourself something so negative?

And then stayed in that situation?

That Doesn't Instantly Make Me the Problem

I have convinced myself that sometimes I deserve the worst of the worst relationships.

Again?

Last Sunday I went out with my sister.

And I thought that I was a problem.

It wasn't that I was the problem.

It's that she just didn't like what I was saying.

And that's okay.

She's entitled to not like what I'm saying.

That doesn't instantly make me the problem.

I'm Not Going to Be Great at Everything

I'm not going to be great at everything.

And I hate that.

Because for me?

In order to be able to be great at something?

It has to just be great.

It has to be perfect.

There's no room for error.

And then the slight chance that there's an error?

I instantly doubt everything about it.

For me.

I Think Somebody Out There Is Gonna Hear It

I sit here in this chair.

And write in my journal every night.

Thinking somebody out there is gonna hear it.

And it's gonna change their life.

Not because what I say is so meaningful and powerful.

But because they're gonna say:

That's what I feel.

That's what I hear.

How does she know?

And I know because?

I'm in that same place.

And yet?

I will still convince myself at the end of the night that I've done no good.

I Can Never Do Enough Because It's Not Perfect

As much as I bare myself out there for people.

As much as I tell my truth.

My thoughts.

My feelings.

I still tell myself it wasn't enough.

I can never do enough.

Because it's not perfect.

I can't say the perfect thing to take someone's pain away.

I can't make them stop crying when I want to.

I can't make the world stop hurting.

I can't help all the children in the system.

I can't get all the people off the street.

I can't stop all the wars.

All the fighting.

And so because I can't do those things?

I'm inept.

And if I'm inept at doing those things?

Then what else can I fail at?

Hearing It Out Loud Sounds Different

That's my mindset.

And it's so depressing hearing it out loud.

But I think that's kind of what we need to do.

That is the whole intent of my journal.

We oftentimes have these beliefs.

We let them build up inside of us.

But it's not until we say them out loud that we realize:

Ooh.

That doesn't sound right.

As I sit here and talk to you?

And talk about the things that I doubt about myself?

I can hear it.

All I Had to Do Was Push Play

I told myself I couldn't do a podcast.

All I had to do was push play.

I told myself I couldn't move to California.

Then drove 26 hours by myself.

I told myself I wouldn't find housing.

I've got housing.

I told myself I wouldn't be able to get a car.

I've got a car.

All the things I keep telling myself I can't do?

The things that I fundamentally believe I cannot do?

I keep proving myself wrong.

And yet my response?

Is to still doubt myself.

My Record Stands

At what point in time do I look at the chart of things I've done well?

And say:

My record stands.

And shows I don't have a reason to doubt me.

I will figure it out.

I will make a way.

And yet?

It's so much easier to go into it feeling doubtful.

Like it's not gonna work.

Because for me?

I can't be disappointed if I already expect failure.

You Can't Let Me Down if I Don't Expect Anything

You can't let me down if I don't expect anything from it.

I can't make myself any more upset.

Any more hurt.

Any more sad.

If I didn't expect me to be able to accomplish it to begin with.

But then?

Because I don't expect myself to accomplish it?

How much of my heart am I putting into it?

Well?

It's not gonna work anyway.

So I may as well just kind of half-ass it.

I don't wanna half-ass my life.

I Don't Want to Accept Defeat I Haven't Even Received

I don't want to get to a point where I'm so comfortable accepting defeat?

Defeat I haven't actually received.

Or earned.

That I don't do anything to change it.

I want to be able to be an example.

Not necessarily to others.

But to myself.

It's so easy for people to get on this pedestal.

And preach to people.

You should do this.

You should do that.

That's why it's great.

This is how it works.

Rarely do you find people who actually put themselves in that position.

I'll Go to School With You

I stand firmly on:

I don't tell people to do something I wouldn't do myself.

I told my kid to go back to college.

Okay.

I'll go to school with you.

Hey.

You wanna start eating healthy?

Me too.

Let me start drinking water.

I don't like it.

But I will.

If it's good enough for me to give advice to others?

Then I should be able to walk that walk myself.

What Are You Doing Differently Now?

I don't understand why we think every lived experience should be somebody else's excuse to do something.

But we won't change our own.

Well, back in my day when I did this.

Great.

We don't live in your day.

But even back in your day?

You made mistakes.

Because you lived your life.

Because you doubted yourself.

What are you doing differently now?

You Sound Like You Know Exactly What You're Doing

Today?

I showed up.

And I still answered the questions to the best of my ability.

Even as I doubted myself?

I gave answers that said:

No.

I know what I'm doing.

And in the end?

They acknowledged:

No.

You sound really knowledgeable.

You sound like you know exactly what you're doing.

Well then why do I feel so dumb?

No.

You're doing great.

At What Point Do I Pat Myself on the Back?

At what point in time do we stop needing someone to pat us on the back?

And pat ourselves on the back?

You know what you know.

No one could change that.

Ever.

We have to give ourselves as much belief to accomplish our goals?

And the things that we want?

As we put into anybody else.

And I recognize as I sit here and say that?

It's really hard to do.

Hey. You Got This.

I tell my kids all the time:

You can do that.

That's easy work.

And you know how easy it is?

I'm gonna do it with you.

But when it comes down to giving myself my own advice?

And sticking with it?

Hey.

You got this.

You can do this.

You've been doing this for two years.

What do you mean you don't know what you're doing?

You've been hired for several jobs because you're so good at what you're doing.

You got this.

We have this.

When We Don't Understand, There Are Resources

We have the ability to do the thing that we want to do.

And you know why we have that ability?

Because when we don't understand it?

There are so many resources for us to learn how to do it.

To figure it out.

To work with somebody who could help us get where we want to go.

Emotionally?

I was doing horribly.

What did I do?

I went to therapy.

I went to see a doctor.

I wrote my journal.

I wrote a journal.

When I needed help the most?

I did what I needed to do to get where I wanted to be.

You're Worth It

We can do that.

No.

It's not easy.

And no.

We don't always want to.

Sometimes all we want to do is lay in bed.

And say:

You know what?

I'm just done.

I don't have it left in me to keep pushing.

To keep trying.

To keep training.

But you're worth it.

If I'm worth it?

You're worth it.

If I can do it?

You can do it.

We can do it.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I went to work.

And I had a little tussle with my client.

Nothing we couldn't get over.

I reminded my client what I have to remind myself of:

If you want something to be better?

Then you have to do better.

My client was just like:

"No, no, no. I don't want bad chip notes."

Okay.

Well then do something good.

Huh.

Jamesha.

If you don't want things to be bad?

Do something good.

I could do that.

You can do that.

Let's do that together.

Let's do something good.

Let your bite of pie today be that you recognize:

You know what?

I can do this.

It may not be done perfectly the moment I do it.

But the progress I made doing it?

Is great.

That's something to celebrate.

Let me pat myself on the back for doing that today.

Hey.

I always say:

Treat yourself.

I think for surviving the day?

I want ice cream.

Do I need ice cream?

No.

But I made it through the day.

It's okay to reward myself.

It's okay for you to reward yourself.

It's okay for you to say:

Job well done.

You've made it.

Did you become the president tonight?

No.

Will you become the president tomorrow?

Probably not.

Will you live to see another day and keep fighting?

Absolutely.

No matter how many times you've doubted:

I shouldn't be here.

I'm not wanted.

I'm not needed.

You've survived those odds.

Your track record also says:

You got this.

No.

It's not easy.

But you got this.

And you've got people in your corner rooting for you.

No, I don't.

I'm in your corner.

I am rooting for you.

I will always root for you.

And I hope you always root for me too.

Because we need each other that way.

We need to help each other.

This world has gotten enough people going at each other.

We don't need to add more.

So I'll be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on.

And you can be there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on.

When we need to yell into the void that we're doubting everything about ourselves?

We'll remind each other:

Your track record says you've gotten here.

Apparently?

You're doing pretty good.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.