Dear Unmotivated Me: Sometimes the Page Is Soaked With Tears and Snot

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Have you ever had a day where seemingly it was fine?

But at the end?

You just felt bad?

Nothing went wrong.

It was a good day.

It's just somehow your emotions caught up to you.

And it was just daunting.

Something Was Just Off

Today?

I don't even know how to describe today.

I didn't have to go into my first job.

I woke up.

Took care of the stuff I needed to take care of.

Returned my rental car.

Stopped and got some lunch.

I was a little annoyed.

But happy overall.

It was a fine day.

Had an Uber pick me up.

Dropped me off at home.

And from the moment I hit my bedroom?

Something was just off.

I don't know how to describe it other than it just being off.

Because again?

Nothing had happened.

I Had No Social Battery

All of a sudden?

I had no social battery.

I didn't want to talk to anybody.

Didn't want to interact with anybody.

The idea of having to people?

Seemed really overwhelming.

So I opted to lay down.

Watch TV.

Take a nap.

And I must've been really tired.

Because I instantly went to sleep.

I couldn't even remember what I put on the TV.

I just know my head hit the pillow.

And I was gone.

I Got Up Because I Had To

I had an alarm set because I had to work this evening.

When my alarm went off?

I got up.

Did the things I needed to do.

And yet?

I still felt off.

My husband called me.

He's been playing poker tonight.

He's excited.

And somehow?

I've convinced myself that I was his bad luck charm tonight.

Because you guessed it.

I just felt off.

I Can Always Tell by the Cereal

I know I need to eat dinner.

And I was trying to figure out what to eat.

I can always tell how bad the evening is based on my need for cereal.

Because nothing else sounds remotely good.

I keep trying to force myself into eating anything else.

Because I know what it means if all I want to do is sit in my room and eat cereal.

I'm Fighting a Fight I Think I'm the Only One Fighting

I think the last 24 hours have just been rough for me.

I'm fighting a fight that I think I'm the only one fighting.

You know?

Like when you feel like you're in an argument with a friend.

Or a fight with a friend.

But they don't even notice you're upset with them.

Which just makes you feel worse.

My Kansas friends all recognize that I'm trying.

And I appreciate them.

Because Lord knows?

Without them checking in on me?

I don't know how well I'd be doing.

But my California friends?

That's a different story.

I Thought People Would Want to Rekindle Things

I don't know exactly what I was expecting when I came back.

I sure wasn't expecting a parade.

Or a party.

But I thought there would be people who wanted to interact with me.

People who wanted to rekindle our relationships.

And I don't know if I'm catching them at the wrong time.

Or if they're really just not interested.

But I think it's all unfolding in my head differently than it should.

Getting My Car Somehow Reminded Me I Don't Have Anybody

Tomorrow I have to travel to San Jose to get my new car.

And I'm excited about that.

But in my excitement?

It occurred to me that I have to take an Uber to do that.

And that's not a big deal.

I'm not afraid to take an Uber.

I'm not afraid to go for the ride.

It's just?

For me?

It reminds me that I don't have anybody.

I thought about calling my sister.

But I didn't want to inconvenience her.

I thought about calling my brother.

But I didn't want to bother him.

My parents live too far away.

And that's kind of the extent of the people I could ask.

And I don't even feel like I could ask them.

Maybe I'm Not Unmotivated

I say that I'm unmotivated because I don't have the energy to do anything.

But really?

I just feel unnoticed.

I think I could pack up my stuff and move today.

And I don't know when people would recognize where I was.

I could pretend to have the same conversations.

Answer people in the same way.

And nobody would even know that I was gone.

And I don't mean gone in a hurt-myself kind of way.

I mean literally just not being here in California.

And that is not necessarily a bad thing.

It's just?

It's a lot.

It's a Lot When You Already Believe You Have Nothing to Offer

It's a lot when you already believe that you aren't worth anything.

That you have nothing to offer.

Nothing to give.

And in my conversation with my husband?

I can feel myself spiraling.

I don't know if he noticed.

It's not his responsibility to notice.

I could've spoken up.

I just didn't.

I just feel off.

I feel sad.

Tonight I Want to Hide in My Bed

I definitely want to hide in my bed tonight.

I've got stuff to do tomorrow.

So I can't afford to hide in my bed tomorrow.

I'm hoping I wake up renewed.

That I have the motivation I need to go into San Jose.

Get stuff done.

And I've told myself that while I'm out there getting my car?

I'm gonna make the most of it.

I'm gonna go do things out there I know I haven't done in a long time.

I'd like to go visit the library.

It sounds trivial to most.

But that library means a lot to me.

I'd like to go see my elementary school.

And the park next door to it.

I Don't Think I'm Ready to Visit Her Yet

I had thought about visiting the gravesite of my grandmother.

But I'm not sure that I'm ready to do that quite yet.

I've done it once before.

And it didn't go very well.

I don't know if my headspace is in the right place for me to handle that by myself.

I just know that tomorrow?

I should probably stay out of the house.

I know that if I let myself shut her in?

My thoughts are probably gonna get worse before they get better.

People Jump to Conclusions

I've been talking to a friend recently about mental health stuff.

And whenever I explain what's going on?

Her first thought is:

So do you mean you want to not exist anymore?

And I always have to remind her:

You're jumping to conclusions.

It's been a long time since I've wanted to take my own life.

A long time.

I haven't had those thoughts.

I acknowledge that I've had those thoughts more times in my life than ever should happen.

I acknowledge that there have been lots of times nobody noticed.

And even if I were in that headspace tonight?

Which I'm not.

Again?

Nobody would know.

Sometimes You Just Lay There and Hope It Passes

There wouldn't be anyone I would call.

I would simply lay in my bed.

And hope that it passes.

I think that's what people don't understand.

That's the part they don't see.

It's:

You feel selfish for wanting to do that.

You don't care about anybody else.

That's not true.

It's the innate feeling that nobody would notice.

And if they did?

They'd be better off.

Tonight My Goal Isn't to Make Things Worse

Tonight?

My goal isn't to hurt myself.

Or make things worse.

I really do just want to lay down.

Veg out.

Go to bed.

I don't have the energy to do anything else.

But I think part of that?

Is because I feel very lonely.

I can entertain myself in lots of ways.

I know there are people I can call.

Should I choose to do so.

But I feel like I shouldn't.

I won't.

Pride says I can't.

I'm Really Good at Handling It by Myself

So I will do like I'm really good at doing.

Handle it by myself.

And sometimes my handling it by myself means I don't have the energy to do a lot of things.

I actually went to record this two hours ago.

Obviously?

That did not happen.

Again.

Very unmotivated.

I knew I was going to do it.

I just?

I don't know.

Something feels off.

Something feels broken.

I feel broken.

And I don't know how to explain to people that I just feel broken.

And in those times when I feel broken?

I don't have the energy to believe or do anything else.

Yes, I'm Taking My Meds

Yes.

I've been taking my meds like I'm supposed to.

And I know that's gonna be the question that the people closest to me ask.

Well, are you taking your meds?

Are you doing what you're supposed to be doing?

Yep.

I am.

Which only makes it feel like an indication that it's not working.

Because even on my meds?

I have days like this.

Moments like this.

Times like this.

Where nothing makes sense.

I'm Seconds Away From Crying

I feel bad that this episode isn't as exciting and colorful as I'd like it to be.

I do wish this episode was much better than what it is.

I'm seconds away from crying.

And I think I'm doing a really good job.

I'll probably get off.

Curl up under my blanket.

Cuddle up with my stuffed animal.

And just fall apart.

But someone pointed out a long time ago that tacos fall apart.

And we still love them.

So maybe?

Just maybe?

I could fall apart tonight.

And still be loved too.

Maybe I Turn Off My Phone and Don't Burn Bridges

Maybe I turn off my phone.

And don't burn bridges.

Just because I'm already in a bad headspace.

And my heart hurts.

It's in these moments that I need to feel something.

And the ideas in my head to satiate those feelings become bigger.

Bolder.

It's not:

I don't want to live anymore.

It's:

If I went to the hospital?

Who would notice?

No one.

They'd ask me who they should call.

And I'd just be really sad that they don't have anyone to call.

I may as well be a Jane Doe.

And tonight?

I think that's how I'm feeling.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I actually did do things that I needed to do.

I did return my car.

Finally.

And I accomplished something.

Or started to accomplish something.

That I'm really looking forward to.

I'm nervous about it.

But proud of myself for doing it.

I recognized that I didn't have a social battery.

And instead of picking at people?

Forcing myself to interact?

I said no.

I took care of me.

And tonight?

I'm gonna do the same.

I'm going to put on a movie.

I'm gonna have my bowl of cereal.

Because that's better than eating nothing.

And I'm going to reset in the best way that I can.

Because some days?

I need that.

Some days are just really hard for me.

I don't know why.

I wish I could change it.

I wish I didn't go through the things that I went through.

The cycles that I did.

I wish I knew how to control them better.

But that's mental health, right?

We have good days.

Bad days.

Good moments.

Bad moments.

And today?

This afternoon?

This evening?

It's just been off.

And bad.

Nothing happened.

Nothing has to happen to cause these things.

I think that's the hardest part of mental health.

Everybody thinks it's because something had to happen.

Someone had to say something.

Someone had to do something.

Honestly?

I just exist.

And that is enough for my head to do what it does.

So if you are unmotivated?

If you're struggling?

If you just have these big feelings because big feelings exist?

Nothing else happened?

I understand that.

I'm going through that too.

And it's okay.

We can get through it together.

It doesn't last forever.

Today?

The page of our story is soaked with tears and snot.

It's been a hard day.

Tomorrow?

Tomorrow we get to write something different.

As long as we just remember:

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.