Dear Pleasantly Surprised Me: What If I Am More Than Enough?

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Have you ever expected one thing?

And had it turn out another way?

I'm not even talking about with a project.

I'm talking about relationships with people.

I feel like for the 43 years I've existed?

That's been the story of my life.

I've expected one thing from relationships.

And I've gotten a complete surprise from them.

I Was Prepared to Do It by Myself

Today I was supposed to go pick up my car.

We've talked about that in a couple of podcasts.

I needed to go get a new car.

I was excited about it.

But I also remembered that I didn't have anybody to go with me.

Nobody to take me.

So I was gonna have to Uber.

Because my circle here in California?

Is smaller than I thought it was.

And I was prepared to do that.

Spend the money.

Go take care of what I needed to do.

Because I'm a big girl.

I can handle things myself.

Unless You Want to Take Me

This morning?

I woke up.

Started getting ready.

Getting dressed.

Getting ready to go.

And I got a text message from my sister asking me what I was doing today.

I was very surprised.

I hadn't heard from her since Sunday.

The whole thing went down.

And I said:

Hey.

This is my plan.

I gotta go get this car from San Jose.

Time to get it?

10 a.m.

"How are you getting there?"

Uber.

Unless you want to take me.

"I'll take you."

I'm sorry.

What?

Come again?

"Yeah. Mom and Dad were gonna go out that way anyway."

"Does it have to be 10?"

Unfortunately?

Yeah.

"It's fine. I can hang out with Mom another day. I'll take you."

Thank you.

I Didn't Expect Someone to Want to Include Me in Their Day

So yeah.

My sister picked me up.

Drove me to San Jose.

I treated her to lunch.

We sat there.

Had a really good conversation.

It was nice just to hang out with my sister.

I invited her to do things afterwards.

She wanted to get back home.

And that's fine.

I understood that.

But I didn't expect her to reach out to me.

I didn't expect someone to want to include me in their day.

The last couple of days?

I've been feeling like the people I want involved in my life don't really want me there.

So it was nice.

It was a nice change of pace.

To have the opposite happen.

I Hung Out With My Sister Today

We went and had lunch.

Red Robin.

Had a great time.

Then I came home.

And decided:

You know what?

It feels like an icy kind of day.

I'm gonna go treat myself.

And I did.

Then I climbed into bed to kind of relax.

I was in a headspace.

Not a bad headspace.

I just knew where it was going could be dangerous for me.

So I laid down.

Watched a movie until I fell asleep.

Then I woke up as if I had watched the whole movie.

I hadn't.

Put on another movie.

And as I laid there?

Thinking about how much I enjoyed my time with my sister?

There was this nagging, picking thing that kept at me.

My Brain Says, This Doesn't Seem Right. Let's Look for Something.

It's weird.

Because overall?

Today was a really good day.

I'm actually happy.

And I think sometimes when my brain and my body say:

I'm happy.

My brain says:

Doesn't seem right.

Let's look for something.

And my brain?

Is always good at finding something.

When it doesn't need to.

I've Been Wanting to Get to Know Her

I got to hang out with my sister today.

And I've been wanting to do that.

I've been wanting to get to know her.

For her to get to know me.

For us to have a relationship.

Then?

It reminded me of the person who says they want a relationship with me.

That they love me.

That they care.

Who has all but disappeared the last couple of days.

No word.

No nothing.

Feels like I'm being punished or something.

I don't know what I did.

I Didn't Do Anything Wrong. I Just Existed.

Things like that feel like such a huge hit to me.

Because I don't know how to make it right.

I don't know if I should be chasing it to make it right.

Because I didn't do anything wrong.

I know I didn't do anything wrong.

I just existed.

And I'm having to grapple with the fact that I don't need to chase everyone down.

Apologize for things I didn't do.

Just to keep them in my life.

But at the same time?

I want people in my life.

I Know What I Used to Do When I Needed to Feel Wanted

As I laid there today?

Thinking about how I was feeling?

I got into the thoughts of old habits.

Previously?

When I needed to feel wanted?

I'd just reach out to someone of the opposite sex.

Flirt.

Talk.

Do something to make myself feel wanted.

And I didn't want to do that today.

I said:

No.

Yes.

That's what you're used to.

Yes.

That's how it usually works.

That's probably not a good idea.

And so?

I didn't.

I'm Married. I'm Married. I'm Married.

It's usually at this time that I cross lines with people I shouldn't cross lines with.

I tried to avoid that today.

I'm married.

I'm married.

I'm married.

And I kept saying that today.

Not for anyone else's sake.

But my own.

Not because I was gonna do something inherently bad.

But it's just?

If I'm feeling like this in my marriage?

Then stepping out of my marriage isn't the answer.

Looking Outside My Marriage Isn't the Answer

Looking for comfort?

Looking for someone to make me feel wanted?

Isn't something I should be looking for outside of my marriage.

And if I am?

That says more about me and my marriage than anything.

Either I need to fix it.

Or get out of it.

And yes.

I understand that concept.

Yes.

I agree with that concept.

But I don't make moves like that.

Making moves like that?

Is hard.

Making moves like that means still being by myself.

Either way I slice it.

And I'd rather have something that's not really mine?

Than nothing at all.

I've Always Been Able to Get Attention One Way

I mean?

I could call him if I wanted to.

I haven't heard from my husband all day today.

Couldn't tell you what he was doing.

That's just the nature of our relationship.

And I'm learning that I'm a person who clings to male attention.

Because it's easy to get attention in one way.

I've always been able to get attention in that one way.

But to get attention for who I am?

Who I truly am?

Not just the fact that I have female anatomy and you can do certain things with it?

That's different.

Eventually I'm Still Left With Me

Today I'm kicking my butt.

Because my first reaction is:

Get that attention.

Know that you can.

They'll want you.

Even for however long that lasts.

But then?

I'm still just left with me.

Remembering that's all they wanted.

So?

I don't know.

Today is a mixed bag.

For the Win, My Sister Showed Up

It's hard acknowledging that the people I want most?

Seem to be uninterested.

The people I need to reach for the most?

Aren't really there.

But?

For the win?

My sister showed up.

I was not expecting that.

And I'm still comprehending how that worked out today.

And what it means.

Because for me?

Everything means something.

It's not because I want it to.

That's just my brain.

Something happens?

I have to analyze what it means.

How it works.

How it's supposed to work.

How it's supposed to go forward.

I just like to be prepared.

And today?

I was not prepared for that.

I Wasn't Prepared for My Sister to Want to Spend Time With Me

I wasn't prepared for my sister to want to spend time with me.

It felt good.

I really enjoyed it.

And I really hope we get to hang out again soon.

And I hope I find the strength to be there for myself?

When I'm unwanted.

When I'm unloved.

Because just because I'm not desired by a man?

Isn't the same thing as being unwanted or unloved.

When Did I Decide Those Things Were the Same?

I'm not sure where I decided those two things were the same.

Or that my value was found in that.

I'm not sure when I gave that power to someone else.

To say:

That's how my life should be.

It isn't.

I'm fully capable of being by myself.

Being on my own.

I can do that.

I've never really tried.

But I think I can make it.

So?

Here's to me doing something different in my story.

Maybe She Doesn't Get the Guy

For years?

It's always been that the girl has to get the guy.

And in this version of my story?

Maybe she doesn't get a guy.

Maybe she just finds herself.

Maybe she never really needed a guy.

She just needed herself.

And that's a weird twist in my story.

Because I never thought that.

I Always Thought I Was Supposed to Have a Husband

I've always thought I was supposed to have a husband.

I grew up thinking that being a wife and a mother was a big deal.

And to me?

They are.

They're still a big deal.

But I'm coming to realize that maybe not quite in the way I thought they were.

They didn't define my life.

Or who I am.

They were supposed to be a part of my life.

And who I am.

I Feel Like I Drastically Failed at Something

And it's hard.

Because for me?

I feel like I drastically failed at something.

I felt like it was just another thing I couldn't do right.

Something I couldn't accomplish.

I can't get people to love me for who I am.

Therefore?

There must be something fundamentally wrong with who I am.

But what if it's not me?

What If the Surprise Is That I Am More Than Enough?

What if I've convinced myself all this time that it was me?

And it's not me?

What if the surprise?

Is that I am more than enough?

I'm just choosing the wrong people.

And that's hard.

Especially when you choose people who you thought were in your corner.

Who were your rock.

And they turn out not to be.

Can I Trust Myself to Do Anything Else?

I used to—

I still do.

Beat myself up constantly.

Because if I could make a decision like choosing my husband?

Or choosing someone to love who doesn't love me back?

If I could make those choices?

And make such monumental failures?

Can I really trust myself to do anything else?

I mean?

How do you get something like that wrong?

And then convince yourself that you can do better?

It's hard.

My Brain Decided a Good Day Had to Be Complicated

So today?

I'm working through all of that.

Because having a good day wasn't enough.

My brain decided it had to be complicated.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I hung out with my little sister.

We talked.

We laughed.

I learned that we actually have things in common.

And that was kind of fun.

We joked.

We were joking about the possibility of being roommates.

I'm not sure how that would work.

But it's something I'm willing to explore.

Maybe it's what I need.

Maybe the answer has been family.

But not in the way that I think it is.

And that's okay.

Maybe I'm not meant to be a mom.

Maybe I wasn't meant to have my own kids.

Maybe I don't get to be someone's soulmate.

The love of their life.

Their person.

And does that make me less of a person?

That has been a hard lesson to learn.

If you've had revelations this weekend?

Join the club.

If you're learning that the people you expected to be there?

Weren't the ones you could count on?

Sorry.

But I understand that.

If you're learning there are people showing up who you never expected to show up?

Congratulations.

You deserve it.

If you're learning this weekend that some of the things you held onto so tightly?

Things you believed?

Now seem to be unraveling?

That's okay too.

It happens to the best of us.

And we talk about it.

We work through it.

We come out on the other side.

Because while I may not have a Prince Charming in my story?

I have a happy ending.

I'm writing it that way.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.