Dear Broke(n) Me: I'm Not Broken. I'm Just Broke.

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Have you ever considered how one word seems to have multiple meanings?

In the simplest of ways.

Broke.

As in the past tense of breaking something.

Broke.

As in you don't have any money.

Broke.

As in a relationship ended.

That's been on my mind today.

Broke versus broke.

Or broken.

We’re Broke

I was speaking with my husband today.

We were talking about the possibility of me going to a football game with him.

Or me traveling back home.

And we were talking about how those aren't really possible.

Because we're broke.

And he's not wrong.

We don't have a plethora of money.

But the statement hit me in a way different than it was supposed to.

The statement was meant to say:

We don't have the money to do so.

But it came out as:

We don't work to make that happen.

And then I took that to mean that I wasn't doing something to make that happen.

I was broke.

And therefore?

If I'm broke?

Then logically speaking?

The relationship would be broke.

And everything else I touch in it.

I Never Like It When My Brain Tells Me I'm Broken

I took that information.

Sat with it.

And I didn't like it.

I never like it when my brain is telling me that I'm broken.

That I don't work.

That I'm not fixable.

So I decided to put that energy into something positive.

I looked up my insurance.

And I started looking for therapists to see while I'm out here.

What If There’s Something Really Wrong With Me?

But that just made me feel like there was a boulder sitting on my chest.

Because now I have to acknowledge again?

To someone new?

That there's something wrong with me.

Something that possibly can't be fixed.

Changed.

Helped.

So I decided maybe the best way to handle that this time around?

Is to do an evaluation.

A formal evaluation.

To see what's going on.

How everything processes.

How everything works together.

And that scares me.

Because what if it comes back with a lot of things I'm not ready for?

What if it tells me I'm so far broken?

There's nothing anyone can do for me?

Sometimes Things Just Don't Work

And I think that's why several of us avoid reaching out for help.

No one can fix it.

You can't make my mind like me.

You can't make my mind think positive things.

No matter how much you want me to.

You can't make my mind process that not everything is broken.

Sometimes things just don't work.

That doesn't mean I'm broken.

It means I'm human.

My Brain Fights Itself

My brain doesn't care that I'm human.

My brain fights itself.

My brain fights itself.

Then it forces me to fight other people.

Not physically.

But I challenge lots of things.

I challenge the way people think about me.

The way they feel about me.

And I constantly put them in this position where they have to prove it.

Then?

I get upset when they don't prove it the way I need them to.

This weekend has been a lot of that.

Realizing people aren't going to give me things the way I want them.

And that's not a problem.

That is literally how the world works.

The world doesn't revolve around me.

I know that.

I don't even hope that it does.

That sounds like a lot of pressure.

But I still feel inevitably broken.

My Mind Builds the Case

I didn't hear from somebody for most of this weekend.

And I felt like that made me less than.

I'm not important.

Then I messaged my husband earlier today.

He didn't get back to me.

I waited for two hours.

I checked the alarms.

Because usually if I check in the alarm?

Where the timer is set?

Then at least I know he's sleeping.

That's why he's not answering me.

But this time?

There was no indication.

So I instantly thought:

He's ignoring me.

If he's ignoring me?

It's because he doesn't want anything to do with me.

And if he doesn't want anything to do with me?

Well?

He doesn't want me.

So my mind has been building up logical reasons why that makes sense.

All the Bad Things Are Piling Up

I've told myself this week that I'm a bad friend.

That I'm a bad wife.

That I'm bad at my job.

That I'm a bad sister.

Bad daughter.

All the bad things are piling up.

And I know I need to stop it.

I know I need to curb those thoughts.

I know it.

I know it's problematic.

I know it's not helping me.

And yet?

They're still there.

Taunting me.

They just keep telling me:

I'm not necessary.

I'm overrated.

I'm not good enough.

I Like Things to Have an Answer

I don't even know why it happens.

And I think that's the most frustrating part.

Because I'm a very logical thinker.

Always have been.

Math is my favorite subject.

I like things to have an answer.

And logically?

If I knew what was wrong?

If I knew what was causing the problem?

I could fix it.

I don't know how to fix my brain.

I don't know how to fix me in the way that I act in relationships.

Someone Else Being Important Doesn't Mean I Stop Existing

I don't know how to separate that someone else being important to someone?

Doesn't mean that I no longer exist.

And I wish I could say that was in a jealousy kind of way.

But it's never been in a jealousy kind of way.

It's always been in a less-than kind of way.

I can reason why they would want somebody else.

What?

My husband wants to talk to another girl?

That makes sense.

No one's ever gonna be like me.

They're always gonna be better.

He's always gonna upgrade.

My kids will always have a better parent.

My friends will find somebody who actually listens to them.

Cares about them the way they're supposed to.

They won't have to chase me down.

And often enough?

I make my friends feel that way.

I Shut Down and Shut People Out

It's not my intention.

I just shut down.

And shut people out.

It's not helpful.

It doesn't accomplish anything.

As a matter of fact?

I end up feeling a lot worse when I do it.

But it hasn't stopped me from doing it.

Mental health is knowing something's not good for you.

And not being able to stop it.

You know the fire is gonna be hot.

And yet you've convinced yourself that touching it makes it better.

I Just Feel Like I'm Falling to Pieces

My mind has convinced me of so many things in the last 72 hours.

I don't even know what I'm supposed to do with it anymore.

So while my husband was saying we're broke?

With no money?

I just feel like I'm broken.

I just feel like I'm falling to pieces.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

I can't stop the madness.

I can't fix the madness.

I can't glue the pieces back together.

I can't make a pretty picture with them.

I can't even make them into something new.

I can't be recycled.

It's just trash.

Except?

I'm not trash.

I know that I'm not trash.

You Can Feel Worthless and Know It Isn't True

I wish I could explain to people that you can feel like you're not worth anything?

While also recognizing there may be no truth in that.

I know to somebody?

I'm important.

To somebody?

I am loved.

I am wanted.

I know that.

And it may not be the person I always think it is.

Or the way I think it should be.

And I don't do anything in spite.

Or to hurt them.

I don't say these things to hurt them.

At the end of the day?

It just feels like I don't.

The World Feels Heavy

The world feels heavy.

It feels like the globe is sitting on my chest.

And I am suffocating.

And I don't know how to just move the globe.

Because in my mind?

It's just supposed to be there.

So why would you move something that's supposed to be there?

My brain says:

Hey.

This is how we developed.

And the doctor's response to that is:

Well, hey.

Here's medication to balance it out.

But what if I'm supposed to be that way?

What if who I am is who I'm supposed to be?

And you are changing me into something I'm not?

I Take the Meds and Still Have Days Like This

Because it's not working.

I mean?

I take the meds.

And I still have days where I just want to disappear.

Ball up.

Cry.

Where I just feel like everything is wrong with me.

I'm taking it regularly.

I'm doing what I'm supposed to.

Outside of going to therapy.

I recognize it's gonna be said:

Well, that's why you're in DBT.

That's why you have your skills.

Use your skills.

Yeah.

I could use my skills.

Yeah.

I can go to therapy.

I just don't know how much that actually changes things.

I'd Rather Know Than Not Know

Theoretically speaking?

It would.

It would work.

It would do something.

So I have resigned myself to finding somebody.

And I'm looking into being tested.

To see if my diagnoses are still my diagnoses.

And while that is scary for me?

And it will always be scary for me?

I'm still going to do it.

Because I guess?

I'd rather know than not know.

I'd rather know what's wrong with me.

And that's how I take it.

What's wrong with me?

It Wasn't a Bad Day Though

It wasn't a bad day though.

I got up.

Went to work.

The kiddo was really fun.

Cute.

All the cuddles.

I am supposed to start this week, I think.

But I'm still not sure.

So I don't really know what my schedule is this week.

But I'm excited.

Because I get to do something new.

With someone new.

And I have started a new project in the background that nobody knows about.

But I'm excited about.

I Yelled at the Throwy Throwy Guy

I had a good day.

Oddly enough.

I got up.

Took care of the thing I needed to take care of.

Came home.

Watched the football game on my own accord.

And I actually enjoyed watching it.

Except for when they were making mistakes.

Because I'm a perfectionist.

And how dare you take so long to throw the ball?

So I may have yelled at the throwy throwy guy a little bit.

And the catchy catchy guy.

Because the catchy catchy guy was not catchy catchy today.

And it was really annoying me.

But the striped guys?

Did really well with making calls.

For the most part.

So, I mean?

That was a win.

Today My Wins Were Really Simple

I'm still dressed enough to go out tonight.

And I might just do that.

Which is odd.

Because I almost never leave my house after I'm inside.

But today?

I'm feeling adventurous.

Like going out maybe isn't such a bad thing.

I even picked up my food today instead of having it DoorDashed.

Big one on my part.

Because I've been spending a lot of money on DoorDash.

Today my wins were really simple.

Because that was all I could manage.

And then?

I let myself be sad.

And did something positive about it.

I said:

It's time to find a doctor.

It's time we look back into that.

Because something's not working.

I Might Get Real Crazy and Do Laundry

So that's a wrap.

I might get real crazy tonight.

And do my laundry.

Even though it's Sunday.

I know.

Whoa.

The goal is to do the things that are hard for me to do when I'm in this mood.

Or in this headspace.

It's to keep pushing on.

Even when I don't feel like I should.

Or that I can.

And today?

Very much so?

I don't feel that I can.

Right Now I Can't Hear You

And the people I would typically reach out to?

I don't want to reach out to.

They're gonna try to make me feel better.

And it's not that I don't want to feel better.

It's fundamentally right now?

I feel like they would be wrong.

I feel like they would be lying to me.

And it's hard to explain to someone who's never been in that headspace how that works.

Because the concept is:

I go to you.

You tell me all the things I need to hear.

And I'm supposed to feel better.

In reality?

Yeah.

That makes sense.

However?

If my headspace is telling me all the things I believe?

And they're in contrast to what you're telling me?

I just feel like you're lying.

And that's not on you.

I wish that it could penetrate into my head what you're saying.

I just?

Right now?

I can't hear you.

Everything else is just really loud.

And I can't hear you.

Sometimes It Looks Like Feeling Broken Even When You're Not

So when I'm able to get them to quiet down a bit?

I'll talk to you about it.

I'll reach out.

I'll explain that I'm just having a really rough time.

And my thoughts are getting the best of me.

Sometimes that's what it looks like.

Sometimes?

It looks like feeling broken.

Even when you're not.

So while I'm not broken?

And I'm just broke?

Today?

That's how I feel.

Broken.

That's not what he told me.

But that's what I heard.

And I live another day to fight that battle.

I Don't Hide It in My Journal

Tomorrow?

I'll get up.

Hope I feel better.

Go to work.

And the people who see me?

Won't even know that I have all these feelings going on.

I'm really great at hiding it.

I don't hide it in my journal.

I shouldn't have to.

So I don't.

My journal is for me to get all of it out to the best of my ability.

And I feel like I do that.

I come here.

Word vomit all over you guys.

And you listen sometimes.

Sometimes you don't.

Either way?

I know it's important that I do it.

That I show up.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

My wins were simple.

I got up.

I went to work.

I spent time with a kiddo who was fun and cute.

I watched the football game.

I picked up my food instead of having it DoorDashed.

I let myself be sad.

And I did something positive with it.

I looked for a doctor.

I looked into therapy.

I started looking into being tested again.

Because something isn't working.

And even though I don't feel like I can keep pushing?

I'm trying.

That's the goal.

To do the things that are hard for me to do when I'm in this mood.

To keep pushing even when I don't feel like I should.

Or that I can.

I showed up here.

And I hope you keep showing up for you.

Even when you feel broken.

I hope you remember that you are worth fighting for.

And trust and believe me?

I know that's not what it feels like at this moment.

Very many people convince me that I am worth fighting for.

We just keep trying until something changes.

So if you're feeling like today is just not working?

Today's broken.

You're broken.

The world's broken.

It's sitting on your chest.

And you don't know how to move it?

You're not alone.

And I recognize that it doesn't always help to know that somebody's there with you.

Because generally speaking?

When we feel like this?

We don't want anybody else to feel this way.

Our gut reaction is to try to make them feel better.

It's okay to just understand.

It's okay to just walk through it with them.

Sometimes we don't need words.

We just need to know someone's physically there.

And I think today?

That's where I'm at.

I don't need words.

I just need somebody physically there.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.