Dear Advocating Me: I Have to Be My Own Biggest Advocate
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How many times would you say you find yourself advocating for someone else?
You see a person in need.
You hear that somebody's hurt.
Someone's been wronged.
And your gut reaction?
Is to go to bat for them.
That's how I am.
I Hate to See Someone Suffering
I hate to see someone suffering.
Or in pain.
Or living through an injustice.
If I could help in any way, shape, or form?
I'm going to.
That's just my nature.
I don't really know anything else.
And for the most part?
I think that's a great quality of mine.
I think it says something about my values.
That I'm always willing to help the downtrodden.
The ones with no voice.
I Speak When They Can't
My job is working in a field where oftentimes children have no voice.
They don't know how to say what they need.
What they want.
How to communicate in any way other than tantruming.
Hitting.
Yelling.
Without verbal words coming out.
So I advocate for them.
I help them speak when they can't speak for themselves.
I'm good at that.
I'm good at making sure the kids have someone they can trust.
They Deserve to Learn and Grow
My kiddos at school?
There are different classrooms where things aren't exactly the tightest.
It's a little wild.
And what do I do?
I advocate for them.
They deserve to be in a space where they can learn.
Where they can grow.
Without all the distractions.
I speak up for them.
Even when they don't recognize that they need a voice.
And where is this going?
I advocate for everyone but myself.
Somewhere Along the Line, I Forgot I Count Too
It's like somewhere along the line?
I forgot that advocating is something I have to do for me as well.
I can't expect others to advocate for me on my behalf.
So today?
I did just that.
I took the time to do what I needed to do for me.
Surprise. You Can Start Today.
I'm in the process of starting my second job.
We're working through all the ins and outs.
And part of that was that I didn't have a schedule built up for this week.
So when I checked this morning?
There was nothing scheduled for me.
There were rumors like:
You should go in.
But I was of the mindset that if I'm not on the schedule?
I probably shouldn't do it.
I don't work for free.
That was my stance.
Then this afternoon?
I checked my email.
And realized my job had sent me an email saying:
Surprise.
You can start with your client today at four.
I'm sorry.
What?
My Schedule Was Clear All Morning
My schedule was clear all morning.
I checked it multiple times.
What do you mean sometime today at 12:30?
You sent me an email with the expectation that I'd be at work at four?
Well, that's your availability.
Yes.
Absolutely.
My availability is from four to eight.
However?
Even with that being the case?
At the very least?
I deserve a heads up.
If you want me to come in three and a half hours after you're communicating with me?
The very least you could do is pick up the phone.
Usually I Would Rearrange My Whole Life
Usually?
What I would do?
Is rearrange my whole life to make this happen.
My gosh.
I'm supposed to be there.
I have to panic.
I didn't eat lunch.
So now I'm not gonna eat dinner.
How am I gonna make this all work?
But today?
I said no.
I'm not doing that.
I deserve the right to have someone give me a heads up.
I deserve the right for someone to communicate with me.
And let me know what's going on.
Without stressing myself out.
I Shouldn't Have to State That
And I felt like that was something I shouldn't have to state to someone.
And yet?
It was.
And then even talking to my husband today?
My kiddos and him are having issues with this whole food thing.
They go back and forth.
I don't know what I want to eat.
Well, I don't know what to eat.
And so they just clash.
Over and over again.
And I said:
You guys are coming to me after the fight has already happened.
Versus coming to me before it even begins.
If You're Sorry, Come to Me Before the Problem Happens
You want me to help you.
But you don't allow me to step in before it gets that bad.
Well, I know it stresses you out.
I'm sorry about that.
No.
If you're sorry about it?
Come to me before the problem happens.
What do you mean by that?
Okay.
We noticed food has become an issue.
Hey.
What can you do to make it less of an issue?
I could probably figure that out.
Schedules aren't going the way they're supposed to.
Great.
Let's communicate together.
So we can all hold each other accountable.
I Can't Help If You Don't Communicate With Me
I have a lot going on over here.
I love to help with what's going on over there.
I cannot do that unless you're gonna communicate with me.
Did I say that?
Did I communicate my own need?
Sure did.
And then?
It was the mail.
Well, this is happening.
And this is happening.
How long have you known this?
Well, we've had the mail here.
I just haven't opened it.
That's not gonna work.
And I need you to mail me my mail.
So I know what's going on.
I Have to Stop Maneuvering for Everybody Else
It's not me sitting there unexpectedly trying to figure out how to maneuver life.
It's me saying:
You know what?
At some point?
I have to stop being able to maneuver for everybody else.
And make moves for myself.
I have to be my own advocate.
I have to be my biggest advocate.
I have to be able to say:
No.
That's unacceptable.
I'm not allowing you to do that.
That Didn't Feel Like Love
I have to be able to say:
That didn't feel like love.
You say that you love me.
But the actions that you've portrayed to me?
Don't speak on that.
I have to advocate for me.
To say:
I deserve better than what you're giving me.
And that's hard to do.
Especially in relationships.
Especially when the word love is thrown around.
Going Above and Beyond Shouldn't Erase You
We're taught that when you love someone?
You go above and beyond.
And usually going above and beyond?
Erases part of you.
That's not what love is supposed to look like.
Lately?
This weekend especially?
I've been sitting in that.
I've been sitting in the fact that people have told me they love me.
That they care about me.
All things that are probably true to some extent.
But then?
Their actions behind those words don't match.
People Please. People Please. People Please.
Usually what happens?
The minute they come back with any attention for me?
I'm excited.
Happy.
My gosh.
People please.
People please.
People please.
Because they're back.
I'm happy they're back.
But love doesn't look like punishing me by not talking to me.
No.
I don't expect you to be available at all times.
That's unreasonable.
I do expect you to follow through with what you're gonna say.
At the very least.
You Communicate
And if for some reason?
You're unable to carry out the commitment of what you said you're going to do?
At the very least?
You say:
Hey.
I'm sorry.
I wasn't able to do this.
This is why.
You communicate.
What you don't do?
Is pretend like it never happened.
What you don't do?
Is leave me sitting inside my head.
Wondering what I did wrong.
Because you switched up.
No. We're Not Doing That Anymore.
So you have to advocate for yourself.
You have to be strong enough to say:
No.
We're not doing that anymore.
No.
That's not acceptable to me.
I deserve better than that.
And that happens in so many other areas of my life.
Advocating for Me Also Means Telling Myself No
This weekend?
I was feeling really downtrodden.
Lonely.
Sad.
And my first reaction?
Was to reach out to somebody I probably shouldn't reach out to.
And I said:
No.
We're not gonna do that.
Because advocating for me also looks like telling myself no when I need to.
Yeah.
That's not gonna be helpful.
That's not gonna make you feel better.
That's not gonna put you in a better headspace.
Advocating for Me Doesn't Always Mean Being Loud
I'm learning that advocating for me doesn't always mean being loud.
It just means speaking up.
Period.
I don't have to be rude.
I don't have to yell.
I don't have to be stronger.
I just have to say:
No.
That doesn't work for me.
And I have the right to say:
No.
That doesn't work for me.
So today?
That is what I am practicing.
Advocating for myself.
Sorry. Short Notice. I'm Not Coming In.
I told my job:
Sorry.
Short notice.
Wasn't on the schedule.
I'm not coming in.
I got some pushback.
Well, didn't we talk about this yesterday?
It was discussed yesterday.
Still wasn't on the schedule today when I checked.
And if the idea is because you said:
Hey, come in.
But no one changed the schedule to show I was coming in?
And I don't get paid unless I see it on the schedule and change it over?
Guess what?
I'm not doing that.
Sorry.
These Are My Parameters
And if I have to say:
Hey.
If you want me to help?
These are my parameters for how I can help.
And if you can't let me be inside those parameters?
I don't know how to help.
I'd love to be more a part of the family back home.
There's only so much I can do with a two-hour time difference.
Order groceries?
I got you.
I know what everybody likes to eat.
Let me know what you need.
I'll get that done for you.
Let Me Take That Burden Off You
Something small.
Something so simple.
My husband says:
Well, I can do grocery shopping by myself.
And you can.
I trust you that you can.
I also know our kid.
And our kid says:
Mmm.
That doesn't work for me.
Great.
Let me take that burden off you.
He has to learn to advocate for himself.
He has to be able to say:
Yeah.
This isn't working.
I can't do this in the way we're currently doing it.
We're Taught Not to Speak Up
We're taught not to speak up when we need something.
Or when we want something.
Because heaven forbid?
We should go after the things we need.
To make our lives better.
Simpler.
Kinder.
So I hope you're out there advocating for yourself.
Because it's necessary.
And you deserve it.
My Bite of Pie
My bite of pie today?
Speaking up when I didn't want to.
I'm so used to quieting my own voice.
Because I'm afraid to make ripples.
Afraid to make people mad.
And today?
I said:
They get to be mad.
Because I'm taking care of me.
It was hard.
I was scared.
And the pushback I got?
Made me even more nervous.
But it was important for me to do.
I hope wherever you are?
You're advocating for yourself.
That you're deciding your needs and wants?
Are just as important as everybody else's needs and wants.
That you're able to say:
No.
I deserve that.
Hey.
I'm gonna fight for myself.
On my behalf.
Because it's necessary.
Today is another page in the story.
It does not have to be perfect.
It just has to be written.
Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:
What was your bite of pie today?
Until tomorrow,
Love you loud.
