Dear Little Me: Yes, You Can Trust Me. I'm Fighting for Us.

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Have you ever wondered where your trust issues come from?

Like?

How do they start?

Where do they begin?

Today was a really good day.

But then I watched something at the pool that stuck with me.

You Always Say That, but You Never Do

There was a little girl playing in the pool.

Her mom kept telling her:

Get in the pool.

Get in the pool.

Get in the pool.

The little girl didn't want to.

Then her mom said:

"If you get in, I'll get in."

And the little girl said:

"You always say that, but you never do."

That sentence hit me.

Because she was little.

Maybe five.

And she already knew.

She already had enough history to predict disappointment.

I Want to Trust You

The mom kept insisting she would get in.

The little girl kept saying:

No.

You always say that.

Eventually?

She jumped in.

And her mom didn't.

The little girl said:

"You said you were gonna jump in with me."

And I just sat there thinking:

Man.

Trust issues start young.

She wanted one thing.

Show me I can trust you.

Show me you'll do what you said.

Show me you're somebody I can turn to.

I Recognized Myself in Her

That's what made it hurt.

I saw myself.

I grew up in a household where we didn't ask questions.

We listened.

Did what we were told.

If we questioned too much?

That was a problem.

Somewhere along the way?

Little Me learned that thinking for myself got me in trouble.

Asking questions caused problems.

Trusting adults who were supposed to do right by me?

Didn't always make sense.

I Almost Drowned and Got in Trouble for It

I remember falling into a pool as a little girl.

I almost drowned.

Someone saved me.

And then?

I got yelled at.

I was in trouble for being too close to the deep end.

But I remember thinking:

Where were the adults who were supposed to be watching me?

That didn't matter.

Somehow?

It became my fault.

And when things like that happen enough?

You start learning not to depend on people.

I Don't Trust You, but I'm Still Gonna Do It

How many times do we carry that same thing into adulthood?

With partners.

Parents.

Friends.

I don't trust you to follow through.

But I'm still gonna do it anyway.

Because I need something from you.

Because I hope this time will be different.

Because leaving the relationship might cost me something else.

So I keep trying.

Keep giving.

Keep hoping.

Even when part of me already knows how it's probably going to end.

I Trusted an Uber More Than My Family

That's where I am now.

When I needed to go get my car?

I trusted an Uber more than I trusted asking family who lived nearby.

Because I'm used to people saying one thing?

And doing another.

That's sad.

That's not how it's supposed to work.

But it's familiar.

And sometimes?

We accept familiar because we don't believe we can get better.

What If You Deserve Better?

But what if you could get better?

What if you deserve better?

I know.

I hear that and part of me immediately goes:

Me?

No.

That's for somebody else.

Not me.

But maybe that's another thing Little Me learned.

That everybody else could have good things.

Reliable people.

Love.

Respect.

Care.

But somehow?

I was supposed to settle for less.

Little Me Is Heavy

Little Me has a lot of healing to do.

She's hurting.

She's sad.

And Me Now?

Pays for Little Me.

Because until I can heal her?

I carry her around.

And she may not be big.

But she's heavy.

She's a boulder sitting there saying:

We deserved better.

And we didn't get it.

We deserved care.

Love.

Respect.

People in our corner we could trust.

It Doesn't Have to Be the Worst to Still Hurt

People will tell you:

You had food.

Clothes.

A house.

You had a good life.

And yes.

Those things matter.

But just because something wasn't as bad as it could've been?

Doesn't mean it wasn't bad.

You can have your physical needs met?

And still grow up not trusting the adults around you.

You can be fed?

And still not feel safe.

You can have a home?

And still feel like you aren't allowed to speak.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I did the things I needed to do.

I woke up on time.

Left late.

Still made it to work on time.

And yes?

I stopped for Starbucks.

Because I was not going without coffee today.

I handled things I didn't see coming.

Got lunch.

Came back and somehow my parking spot was still available.

Miracle.

Made it to my second job on time.

Had fun with my kiddo.

Got home.

And I still had enough in me to sit down and do my journal.

Simple.

But good.

Yes, You Can Trust Me

So if your Little Me is hurting?

If they're asking:

Can you help?

Can I trust you?

Tell them:

Yes.

You can trust me.

I'm fighting for us.

I may not know how to fight for us all the time.

But I am fighting for us.

Because we deserve that.

Keep writing the story.

Let Little Me see that it doesn't end the way they thought it would.

You don't end up broken in a corner.

Ready to give up.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.