Dear Territorial Me: I Am Just Me

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Have you ever had someone define who you are?

They decide that those are your qualities.

That's the person you are.

It's just a fact.

I hate when that happens.

I have these ideas of who I am and what it means and what it represents.

And I'm still told:

Nope.

This is who you are.

Today Was a Beautiful Day

Today?

Beautiful day.

I woke up early.

No reason whatsoever.

Just kind of chilled.

Did my interview today.

That went well.

Got up.

Got dressed.

Picked up groceries and lunch.

Lunch was amazing.

And then just kind of played around and watched TV.

Relaxing day.

The Parking Spot I Usually Inhabit Was Taken

When I went out today and came back?

The parking spot I usually inhabit was taken.

So I parked somewhere different.

During the time that I was sitting here relaxing and watching TV?

Apparently the parking spot became vacant.

And so I thought to myself when I noticed:

Hey.

I could put my car back where it was.

Then it occurred to me:

Well, I mean, going out there just to move your car doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

That's a dumb reason to do that.

But if you're gonna leave to go somewhere and you come back and it's open?

Then you can park there.

Fair enough.

I Had to Have a Slurpee

So I go out.

I go to 7-Eleven.

And I decide that I have to have a Slurpee.

I cannot remember the last time I had a Slurpee.

My favorite flavor is banana.

I don't know why.

It just is.

But I have a backup flavor.

And if my backup flavor was gonna be there?

I'd be okay.

They didn't have banana.

But they had piña colada.

So I got a Slurpee and some sodas.

And I did something nice for my husband today.

He needed a new headset.

So I got him a new headset.

"Yeah, Because You're Territorial"

Then I come back.

I'm telling my friend and I told my husband about what happened with the parking spot.

And the friend was like:

"Yeah, because you're territorial."

No.

No, I'm not.

I didn't defend my parking spot.

I didn't go out there and beat somebody up over my parking spot.

I didn't yell at them.

I didn't leave a note.

I wasn't passive aggressive.

As a matter of fact?

I just parked somewhere else.

Came inside the house.

And enjoyed the rest of my day.

"On This One, I Agree With Him"

So then I go tell my husband about that.

And my husband goes:

"Well, on this one I agree with him."

You guys both realize I'm diagnosed with OCD, right?

"Well, you've even said it before that if you go to work and your parking spot's taken, you'll just leave and go home."

Yeah.

That's not how being territorial works.

If I'm being territorial?

I fight for that spot.

I don't give that up and walk away.

Right?

How Many Times People Put Labels on Others

It just kind of reminded me of how many times people put labels on others.

And they just stick.

And how horrible of a feeling it is.

I remember when I was first diagnosed.

All I could feel was upset and sad that someone decided that I was OCD, anxious, bipolar.

Because to me?

It felt like I was being put into this box.

And it wasn't a positive box.

No one thinks:

Yeah, my gosh.

I got a mental illness.

How great is that today?

It's always got a negative connotation.

You Either Have to Prove It Wrong or Let It Eat at You

I think when people attach this negative connotation to you?

It instantly becomes this bubble in your head.

You're either having to prove it wrong—which is dumb, because you trying to prove it wrong almost proves the point—

or you just let it eat at you.

And so today?

As I'm trying to argue why I'm not territorial?

They both kept laughing and saying:

"Well, yeah, you are."

Okay.

Great.

Well, I'm so glad you two decide who I am.

Man.

Thanks.

Appreciate that.

Something Like That Can Ruin Such a Good Day

Then I think about how something like that can ruin such a good day.

Because I was having an amazing day.

It's not that my day's gone bad now.

It's just frustrating.

Because we talked about in my episode Unknown Me:

Hey.

I keep telling you who I am.

I keep showing you who I am.

And despite the fact that I keep repeating who I am?

You don't seem to know me.

It was frustrating then that you don't seem to know me.

But it's even more frustrating now that it's not even that you don't know me.

It's that you assign these things to me that I don't find fitting.

When I Hear Territorial, I Hear a Negative Connotation

When I hear territorial?

I hear a negative connotation.

Never has territorial been a good thing.

Never have I heard that.

And I don't get labeled positive attributes.

Nobody talks about those.

No one talks about how creative I can be.

How smart that I am.

How silly I can be with children.

How well I get along with children.

We don't talk about the positives.

We're just quick to name the negatives about people.

"I see you doing this. You must be bipolar."

That's actually not how bipolar works.

"My God, you like a clean office. You must be OCD."

No.

Not exactly.

Being Clean and Being OCD Are Two Different Things

Being clean and being OCD?

Two different things.

I should know.

Because I like being clean.

But then there's the incessant tick that goes along with it.

The one that says:

Hey.

My closet has to be organized by sleeveless, fabrics, and colors.

Not because I think it's fun.

But because it has to have that structure.

My foods can't touch because I don't like the idea of one food tasting like the other.

I can't eat certain things because of the sensory issues that I have.

Not because I'm picky.

Or I'm just anal.

Or whatever negative connotation someone's attached to me for the day.

Why Is It Okay for You to Label Me?

It's aggravating.

It's the same people who get upset when you're like:

"My gosh, you're just being lazy."

"Well, that upset me."

Okay.

So why does it upset you that I call you lazy?

But it's okay to call me territorial?

Why is it okay for you to label me?

But you get frustrated when I label you?

People don't make any sense.

In a Perfect World, I Would Let It Go

I know that we're supposed to just let it go in one ear and out the other.

And in a perfect world?

I would do just that.

It's not a perfect world.

Unfortunately?

I live inside there.

And inside there is a muddled mess.

I spend a lot of time wading through all the negative things that like to float around in there and gut the place.

That's probably the best way to describe what my head looks like.

Imagine walking through a mud swamp.

And you're just swinging mud.

Trying to walk your way through it.

That's like the sinking bad thoughts in my head.

So much fun.

Why Not Have You Add Another One?

So why not have you add another one?

Because bro.

Why not?

Right?

Then I have to remember that their opinion of me doesn't make me who I am.

I know that.

I do.

I understand that.

I comprehend that I get to decide who I am.

But then I have the question:

Why do I keep surrounding myself with people who want to tell me I'm something else?

Is that how it's supposed to work?

Am I supposed to wake up during the day and just be like:

Mm.

You're this.

So that's what you are for the day.

Haven't We Had Enough of That?

Haven't we had enough of that as a society?

Just kind of labeling people and deciding that's what they are?

And then it being problematic?

Do we really need to keep doing it?

I don't know.

Maybe I digress.

I just know that for whatever reason?

That bothered me probably more than it should.

And I will probably fester on it all day long for the rest of the night.

Until I find something else to distract myself.

I've got fresh fruit downstairs.

So I might use that to distract myself.

My gosh.

The best fresh fruit.

I like the fruit.

Today Was a Good Day

But again?

Today was a good day.

I was able to enjoy being.

There are things that I wanted to work on.

Probably should have worked on.

Didn't get them done.

And you know what?

That's okay.

It's Friyay.

Fri—not Friday.

The weekend's here.

So let's relax.

I wish I could say that tomorrow is laundry day.

Because we know how I am.

But I did my laundry yesterday.

I'm really getting better at that, I guess.

Not doing it on the same day.

I'm not sure how I feel about it though.

Again?

In my head?

Everything has its place and time.

And that just makes everything go smoothly.

You're not guessing when you're gonna do something.

You just know.

And Then I Found Out I Was Territorial

But my journal's late today.

Because I'm late today.

Well, at least I thought I was.

And then I found out I was territorial.

So there's that.

I am going to work on a few things this weekend.

I'm really excited.

I'm gonna work on my book.

At least I plan to.

And I am going to actually purchase some journals so that I can have people buy them directly from me.

Super excited about that.

I will let you guys know when those come in.

My Journal Isn't for Me to Sell Journals

I know I don't talk about them a lot.

I don't want this podcast to be about me selling something.

That's just not my mindset.

My journal isn't for me to sell journals.

My journal is for it to be:

This is what happens in this head on a day-to-day basis.

Sometimes it's really pretty.

Other times it's a hot mess.

Either way?

It's still me.

And that's:

You get what you get and you don't throw a fit.

I feel like that is how I got the mental issues that I have.

Because:

You get what you get.

You don't throw a fit.

You don't say no.

You don't say stop.

No, I'm Not Territorial

No.

I'm not territorial.

They can have the parking spot.

I will find a backup.

And I'll go on with my day.

And it'll be fine.

Like I did.

I will find something else to do.

I will live life.

Live, laugh, love.

I guess.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was that I actually went grocery shopping.

Because your girl's been living off of DoorDash orders.

Not that that's a bad thing.

But it's expensive.

So I went and bought my staples.

Put them in the fridge.

I'm so excited to go back to my breakfasts.

What else?

I relaxed.

I woke up early and I thought that would make me want to nap today.

And while it did?

I did nap today.

So I'm kind of proud of myself for that.

I'm excited that I got on and I did my podcast.

Some days I don't feel like doing it.

Not because I don't want to.

Just because it's easy to get complacent.

Like:

Ugh.

But I don't want to do that today.

And some days?

You gotta make yourself do it anyways.

That Doesn't Belong to Me

So if you're out there and you have someone defining who you are?

And they're wrong?

Tell them they're wrong.

No.

That doesn't belong to me.

That belongs to you.

You can keep that.

You can keep your judgment in your own fucking pocket.

I don't need it.

I reject that.

Because I don't know about you?

But I'm sick of being fucking labeled.

I am just me.

The only me I know how to be.

If I like my parking spot and I'm not beating anybody up over it?

Leave me the fuck alone.

If I like to organize my closet a certain way and it's not hurting you?

Leave me the fuck alone.

At the end of the day?

If it doesn't suit your needs but it meets mine and it's not hurting anybody?

Let's say it together.

Leave me the fuck alone.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.