Dear Deliberate Me: I Have to Safeguard My Life

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Have you ever put things into place because you know it'll make you do something else?

Not a system or a checklist where you write things down and you go from box to box.

But like a safe fail.

You know that if you don't get something done, something else is gonna fail.

It just can't work.

So today?

I had to trick my mind.

Everybody Wants to Do an Interview at 10 O'Clock in the Morning

I have been waking up in the middle of the night.

Two o'clock.

Three o'clock in the morning.

And then I'm just awake for hours.

Which is fine because I'm not going to work right now.

So I watch TV.

I play on my phone.

Sometimes I talk to my husband.

Just chill.

But it never fails that as it gets closer to seven or eight o'clock?

Here I want to go back to sleep.

And so I've been laying down and going back to sleep.

But I've had interviews recently.

And for some reason?

Everybody wants to do an interview at 10 o'clock in the morning.

Okay.

So I've been setting my alarm so I can get up and get dressed.

But I also know I've been exhausted.

And in being exhausted?

The first thing I want to do when I'm done is go back to bed.

Which then makes me sleep all day long.

Which makes me awake all night long.

I Got This Wild Bug to Strip My Bed

So today I got up and was hemming and hawing about doing my interview.

And I said:

You know what?

I need to get up and do it.

I had it set in place.

We're gonna make it happen.

And then I got this wild bug to strip my bed.

Mind you?

By the time I had gotten up to get ready for my interview, it was a quarter to ten.

So I had 15 minutes to go shower, brush my teeth, and then get dressed to sit in front of a camera to do an interview.

But I'm ambitious.

So I stripped my bed.

Then I took my shower.

I got dressed.

And I sat down for my interview.

I Can't Go Back to Bed

I did the interview.

Then I was talking to a friend.

And I was just like:

Yeah, you know, I finished the interview.

I think that it went well.

Waiting for a decision.

But I'm tired.

And my friend was like:

"Well, why don't you go back to bed?"

I can't.

"Why can't you go back to bed?"

I stripped my bed.

"But why would you do that if you knew that you were tired?"

Because I knew that if I did not strip my bed to wash it today?

I was going to go back to bed and not get up.

Again, it wasn't like I couldn't have made a checklist of this is what I need to get done and this is what I want to get done.

I just knew today a checklist wouldn't have sufficed to get things done the way they needed to get done.

Then I Did My Clothes First

So not only did I strip my bed to do laundry?

Before I did my laundry for my bedding?

I did my clothes first.

Which meant I had to wait the hour it takes for my clothes to wash to get them in the dryer before I could even touch my bedding.

There are days where I literally have to safeguard my life.

Because I know that if I don't?

Things won't happen.

And for me?

That's why today is Dear Deliberate Me.

How Many Things I Do Deliberately

I was thinking just how many things I do deliberately to make my life easy.

To make my life look better.

To feel better.

For example?

We've talked about my need to feel wanted and loved.

And heaven forbid I should come right out and ask you:

Do you love me?

Do you want me?

That's too simple.

So I'm going to deliberately beat around the bush.

"You must have gotten up to talk to all those girls this morning."

"No, I got up to get ready for work. But I thought of you, so I talked to you."

Does that mean I'm special?

You must love me.

Because heaven forbid I just have the conversation.

We Do Things With Very Specific Reasons in Mind

And I think again?

That's part of mental health.

We do things with very specific reasons in mind to help us cope the best way that we can.

Now, are all of our coping skills healthy?

No.

There are some skills that we all know about that we do that make us feel better.

But aren't healthy for our cause.

Again?

We rationalize them because they are done deliberately.

They're done to solve a problem.

I Applied to Eight Jobs Yesterday and Seven Jobs Today

Me?

I've been applying to jobs like crazy.

I looked up today and I applied to eight jobs yesterday and seven jobs today.

While I'm still waiting for the one job that I technically have?

I'm waiting for my background check.

And a second job that I technically have?

I'm waiting for a background check for that one.

So then my mind goes:

You've been here since the beginning of September.

You're not bringing in any income.

You need to find a job where you can bring in income immediately.

Okay.

Cool.

Let's apply to all the places.

So I applied to eight yesterday.

And I applied to seven today.

And then I've been doing interviews.

I Had to Make a Spreadsheet, Guys

I sat down today to take a look at where I was with jobs.

I had to make a spreadsheet, guys.

I was offered six positions.

I am waiting to hear back from one place.

I have an interview tomorrow.

And I have two more jobs that want to talk to me.

And usually?

As we know?

I would say yes to everybody and then just figure it out.

Because It Makes Me Feel Wanted

I am so deliberate with applying for jobs and going to interviews because it makes me feel wanted.

Again.

We've talked about this.

It's that whole:

They selected me.

This time around?

It's twofold.

I do need the job.

I do need a paycheck.

But even as I sit here writing in my journal?

I know that I'm gonna have the hardest time choosing which one to accept and which one to walk away from.

Because how do you walk away from somebody who makes you feel wanted?

Even when it's not the right fit.

Maybe Not the Wanted That I Actually Want

How do you walk away from something when it seems to want you?

It may not want you the way that you need it.

It may not want you when you need it to want you.

But to some extent?

It wants you.

Right?

You recognize that you may be just a number at your job.

But they would recognize if you weren't there.

Wanted.

Maybe not the wanted that I actually want.

But enough that it fulfills that need.

When I Close Myself Off in the Dark, It's Deliberate

When I close myself off in the dark and I'm hiding?

It's deliberate.

I want to be alone.

I want to be able to process my feelings.

I want to be able to figure things out.

And I find in that moment the best way to do that is to shut everything and everybody out.

Does it always accomplish my goal?

No.

But it's deliberate.

When I choose to go outside and feel the rain on my skin or enjoy the breeze?

We call it a TIP skill.

It's deliberate.

The reason why it's deliberate is because it shocks your system.

What Is It Replacing?

I think so many things when working with people with mental health issues or experiencing mental health issues on your own are very deliberate.

And we don't dive deep enough into the reason why they're deliberate.

We see them and it's:

That's bad.

You shouldn't do that.

And yes.

That's correct.

But what is it replacing?

For me?

I could use Tinder just as easily.

This is healthier in my mind because, I mean, it's a job.

And they get to say no.

And if they say yes?

You know?

I get to make money off of it.

Then who needs sleep?

Or time to themselves?

Or time with their family?

That's not a necessity.

This is a healthy coping skill.

Deliberate Does Not Automatically Mean Helpful

There are things I do and things I put into place to help me cope that are healthy.

And things I do and I put into place to cope that are unhealthy.

And I think part of being deliberate is being able to sit down and be introspective about what those things look like.

Taking my bedding off my bed to wash it because I knew I wouldn't get back into bed until it was done?

Deliberate.

Great.

It worked.

I sat here.

I got stuff done.

I made my spreadsheet.

I talked to jobs.

I got applications all figured out.

It was successful.

Applying to all the jobs before letting the other ones roll in?

Okay.

Well.

Not so helpful.

Doing more interviews as I already have so many jobs lined up?

Deliberate.

Not so helpful.

They Look the Same

I have to learn how to do the things that are going to help me actually help me.

Versus the things that are going to hinder me.

When you are in a certain headspace?

They look the same.

They are so convincing that they both are there to help a need that you don't consider how damaging it is.

Again?

It's like I talked about in another episode.

We get this thing stuck in our mind that we fixate on.

And in fixating on it?

That's all we can do.

That's all we can handle.

We are set to believe that is what is going to accomplish that goal.

And as long as it accomplishes that goal?

How it happened doesn't necessarily matter.

This Was Easier

Hey.

I am married.

But if I download Tinder and the guys make me feel wanted?

That's fine.

At least I felt wanted.

I didn't do anything wrong.

I didn't sleep with anybody.

I didn't touch anybody.

I just don't feel wanted.

"Well, why don't you just talk to your husband about that?"

This was easier.

And it just felt good.

I got the dopamine hit immediately.

But is that good for your marriage?

I mean?

Well?

To me that's not so bad.

How does it affect my husband?

I don't know.

We just don't talk about it.

Right?

I imagine my spouse doesn't want me swiping through guys or guys swiping through me.

But I mean?

If it's a need?

Right?

So it's not really hurting anybody.

What Happens When You Play Too Close to the Fire?

You get burned.

And I think that's something that I have to learn how to grapple with.

Because yes.

It feels nice.

But what happens when these conversations become more than just conversations?

What happens when they become more than:

Hey.

Yay.

You swiped on me.

Because let's be real.

It can't just stop there.

I have to talk to you to figure out:

Why?

What caught your attention?

What's so intriguing about me?

Versus:

Hey.

There's something in me that says I need this outside validation.

What can I do to provide myself with that validation?

What Safe Plan Can I Put Into Action?

What safe plan can I put into action?

The way that I put into action staying out of bed today?

To facilitate me being able to take care of that emotional need for myself.

Safely.

I don't have the answer to that.

And I don't think mental health is always having the answer to everything immediately.

You guys have been with me for a couple months now.

And you know that I don't pretend to have all the answers.

That's not how journaling works.

Journal isn't a:

Hey.

I sat down.

I wrote this.

My life was perfect.

I figured it out.

I'm Supposed to Be Growing

A friend asked me the other day about why I do my format the way that I do it.

"Well, you said something today, but what if you learn that it's wrong?"

Great.

The reason why I date my journals?

The reason why it's important to me to date my journals?

Is because the hope is that the way that I'm thinking and feeling today will be different than what I learn and think tomorrow.

I'm supposed to be growing.

In growth?

Ideas change.

That's how that works.

So yes.

While today I may believe and think that downloading Tinder was a healthy choice for me?

Future me says:

Well, no.

Here's how we could have better handled that.

I Deleted That App Off My Phone

And again?

As I sit here?

I deleted that app off my phone.

I recognize that wasn't the appropriate response to have to solve that problem.

Because I'm learning.

And I'm growing.

And sometimes learning and growing takes being called out by other people.

Sometimes learning and growing means being called out by yourself.

It means that you have to be able to and be comfortable having people criticize your actions.

And I'm talking about your actions.

Not you.

It is one thing that's like:

Hey.

What you're doing?

That doesn't make sense.

Why are you doing that?

If you have trusted people in your life?

They should be able to check you that way.

Nicely.

Healthily.

I Should Be Able to Check Myself

But you should also be able to check yourself.

And today?

I'm being very deliberate with that.

I'm being very deliberate on how I choose to live my life.

So if I want to be in California?

I need to make sure that I have a job that is capable of paying my bills here and paying my bills back at home.

I can't do:

Well, as long as I pay my bills here I'll be fine.

No.

I have a family back home that's just as important.

I have to be deliberate with my time.

And where my value is.

I have to be deliberate with the decisions that I make.

What Am I Doing to Do That?

I chose to come to California.

I chose to be here with my family.

What am I doing to do that?

If I'm not making the effort to go see them?

That takes away from the reason why I'm here.

Everything's about being deliberate when you have mental health issues.

You have to plan things in order to keep afloat.

Because if we don't?

Then we get lost in all of it.

It gets really muddled for us.

My Bite of Pie

So today?

My bite of pie?

My bedding got washed.

My bed is currently made.

And when I got out of bed at 9:45?

I've not gotten back into it.

It's 6:45 right now here.

That's my bite of pie.

I recognized what my needs were.

I recognized where I was gonna fail today.

And I did something about it in a healthy way.

And I recognize it doesn't always happen.

It doesn't always look like doing things in a healthy way.

But tonight?

I did.

If you know that the skills that you're using to cope are harmful?

If you know they are dangerous for you?

If you're looking for other ways to comfort yourself?

To help yourself grow?

To acknowledge that:

Hey.

There's something inside me that connects to this for a certain reason.

But I need to work on it.

Join me.

We do this together.

This isn't just a me thing.

This is an us thing.

I would love to build a community where we can all talk and we can gather and we can work with each other to say:

Hey.

You know?

I never thought about it that way.

I never recognized that's what I'm doing.

And how I could probably do that differently.

I'd like to be that for you.

Just as you are for me.

And before I go?

I want to say for my listener who listens on Deezer?

I have noticed that you've listened since the beginning.

And I appreciate you.

And I see you.

And I don't mean to freak you out.

I just want you to know that I do see you.

And I appreciate you.

And you show up every night.

And if nobody else tells you?

I care.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.