Dear Unknown Me: I’m Worth Knowing

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Have you ever experienced having people in your life who know you but don’t know you?

It’s the idea that they know of you.

They know your name.

They know you exist.

They may even say that they know things that you like and dislike.

But fundamentally?

They miss you.

I Don’t Understand How They Don’t See Me

I have been struggling the last couple of days.

I’ve talked about it.

And part of that was feeling unwanted and unloved.

I don’t have an expectation that people should automatically know what I’m feeling, what I’m thinking, what I want.

So I’m good at communicating it.

I’m good at telling you what I’m feeling.

What I’m thinking.

And what I want.

And because of the person that I am?

I am fairly consistent on telling you what I’m feeling, what I’m thinking, and what I want.

And so when I sit down to have these conversations with people, friends, family?

I feel myself getting frustrated.

Because I don’t understand how they don’t see me.

I Wanted to Feel Wanted

Perfect example.

So I said a couple days ago that I downloaded Tinder.

And in downloading Tinder?

I wanted to feel wanted.

I wanted to feel seen.

My husband knows about this.

This isn’t a surprise.

I wasn’t cheating on my husband.

Roll with me.

For me, every now and again?

I need to know I am wanted.

I get that dopamine hit in multiple ways.

Sometimes I get it from applying for jobs.

I apply for jobs.

They select me for interviews.

I go to interviews.

They select me for the job.

Dopamine hit.

They want me.

Out of all the candidates that they could have chosen?

They chose me.

Sometimes it works.

Other times I need to feel wanted for another reason.

What better way to do that than to get a dating app?

So I’ve downloaded one multiple times.

And I’ve used another multiple times.

And I get on and I watch to see if people are gonna swipe for me.

Or like me.

Or whatever they need to do on that particular app.

Because I need to feel like I’m wanted.

I need to feel like somebody sees me.

That Is How I Gauge My Self-Worth

And that is how I gauge my self-worth.

Now I recognize that that’s not how that’s supposed to work.

I recognize that it’s a very false way of validating your worth.

And despite the fact that I know that?

I still continue to do so when I get low enough.

Because it’s the quickest way to pull me back out of the dark cloud.

So the other day, when I did so?

I was telling a friend that I had done so.

And his comment was:

“Well, you’re married.”

I Am Married

I am married.

My friend recognizes this.

My husband recognizes this.

Anybody who knows me?

You guys know this.

I am married.

I do not pretend that I’m not married.

I do not pretend that I’m single and ready to mingle.

I am who I am.

Yes.

Yes, I’m married.

And it wasn’t what was said.

It was the way that it was said.

And while for him it may have been a joke?

For me, it was an attack on my character.

I Was Ready to Have the Conversation

And so I sat with it for the last couple of days.

And I’ve still had interaction with my friend.

But not in the same way that I usually have.

Because it was just kind of gnawing at me and eating at me.

And today I said:

Okay.

I’m ready to have the conversation.

And I sat down and I had the conversation.

And I feel like I had the conversation well.

It wasn’t a punishment.

It wasn’t a lash out.

It wasn’t me being angry.

It was just matter of fact.

Like:

Hey.

This is where I need things to be.

Let’s have this conversation.

And he took the conversation extremely well.

Where Did That Come From?

But even in talking to him?

I was asking:

Where did that come from?

What made you think that that was okay to come at me with?

And I said it felt like it was:

I am jealous because I want you.

And this is the easiest way to hurt you.

But as a friend?

You shouldn’t want to hurt me.

Right?

And so we talked about that.

And how that affects our friendship going forward.

You Know My Character, and Yet You Didn’t Know Me

But then it bothered me even more that as I talked to him about it?

You really thought the person that I was?

I was gonna go out and just hook up with random Joe down the street.

So I asked:

In all the years that you’ve known me, when have I ever?

And he said:

“You don’t.”

“Like, I’ve known you to get on the apps, and you and I talk about it and we joke about it.”

“And then you delete it and you go on about your life.”

Right.

You know my character.

You know who I am.

And yet you didn’t know me.

When it was easiest to know what I was going to do.

Who I was.

My track record speaks for itself.

Why Do I Have to Keep Proving Myself?

Today in processing that with him?

It occurred to me how often I feel like I have to explain myself to those I care about most.

“Well, I thought you were gonna do this.”

When have I ever done something like that?

When has my character ever shown you that’s the person that I am?

Why do I have to keep proving myself to those who say they care about me and love me most?

When you need me?

You don’t question my character.

When you want something from me?

You don’t question my character.

But the minute it doesn’t suit you?

That’s when you decide that I switch.

I’m different.

I Struggle Enough With Trusting Myself

I struggle enough with trusting myself.

Liking myself.

Even when I know I am probably the most consistent person people have met.

I got on here yesterday after bawling my eyes out.

Because Dear Journal is my thing, right?

I get on here and I write my journal.

It didn’t matter that I didn’t feel like it.

It didn’t matter that I was upset.

That I was sad.

That I was depressed.

It was something I was supposed to do.

So I did it.

I Did Them

Yesterday I had two phone interviews.

Did it matter that I was depressed or upset?

I did them.

In between doing them?

I would go back to sleep and hide.

I’d wake up.

I’d do it again.

And I’d go back to sleep and hide.

This morning?

I could not get to sleep for the life of me.

Finally got to bed at four o’clock this morning knowing I had to be up at eight.

Changed my alarm to nine.

Nine o’clock my alarm goes off.

Changed it to 9:30.

9:30 my alarm goes off.

I must have stayed in bed until like 9:45 knowing I had a ten o’clock interview.

Dragged myself out of bed.

Took a shower.

Sat down at ten.

Did my interview.

Because of Who I Am, I Got Up and Did It

I did not want to get out of bed today.

I fought with every fiber of my being to say:

I’m not doing this.

I don’t have the headspace to do it.

I don’t want to do it.

And yet?

Because of who I am and how consistent I am?

I got up and did it.

And then it was:

Well, I have an in-person interview at 12:30.

So I guess I should go to that one too.

Got dressed.

Got out of the house.

Went to it.

I Know My Mentality

I also know my mentality.

Hey.

If I go back home?

I’m gonna lay back down and I’m gonna check out.

So instead?

Let’s go get some lunch.

I’ll just pick it up and come right back.

So I go to the place I want for lunch.

And I order it.

And I said:

You know what?

Nope.

Let me sit here.

I sat there and I ate.

Because I knew what would happen.

Because I do the same thing day in and day out.

It’s who I am.

If I Say I’m Going to Do Something, I’m Gonna Do It

I cannot explain to anyone more than I already have that if I say I’m going to do something?

It’s unwritten.

I’m gonna do it.

If I tell you while we’re talking that you’ve upset me and if you say it again I’m gonna hang up?

And you say it again?

The next thing you will hear is silence.

Because I hung up.

If I tell you I am not going to do something?

You could bet your life on it.

I’m not going to do it.

If I tell you who I am?

Where’s the lack of trust in believing me?

When Someone Shows You Who They Are, Believe Them

We like to say:

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

And we use it in the most negative way.

If that person shows you that he’s a dog?

You should believe he’s a dog.

If they show you that they’re a cheater?

They’re a cheater.

If I show you that I’m consistent?

That I show up?

That I care?

That I love hard?

That I fight for what I believe in?

I’m loyal.

Why do I have to keep explaining it to you when it doesn’t fit your narrative?

I Am Me

And I feel like that was my whole life summed up.

I’ve been having to explain to my parents over and over:

No.

I’m not the daughter that you thought I was.

I’m not my sisters.

I am never going to be like my sister.

But I am me.

I will accomplish things the way that I accomplish them.

I’m not sitting around hurting.

I’m not lazy.

I just have my way of doing it.

My success looks different than my sister’s success.

We Can Be Cool, but I Am Parent First

I’ve had to explain to my children:

We can be cool.

But I am parent first.

Please know that if you’re not doing what you’re supposed to be doing?

You’re going to hear the parent from me.

And my kids will tell you:

No.

She means it.

She will joke with us.

And laugh with us.

And play with us all day long.

But let her stand on business?

We don’t want any part of it.

So my kids don’t do things so that I have to evoke this:

What did I say?

Why Is It So Hard for Adults to Comprehend It?

If your kids can tell you who you are because they know what you’re going to do?

Why is it so hard for adults to comprehend it?

My child knows that if I say no?

No’s the answer.

My child knows if I say I’m gonna talk about it?

It means we’re gonna talk about it.

My children know that if I say no instantly, I don’t have time to explain?

Do it.

Hey.

She will come back and tell us there’s a reason why she’s saying no.

Why can’t my spouse or my friends understand that?

Why can’t you see me for the me I keep giving you?

To Love Me Is to Know Me

And then they wonder why I feel unloved and unwanted.

Because to love me is to know me.

It’s to pay attention to the pattern that I’ve shown you.

Boyfriend messaged me today.

And he asked me how my day was going.

And I responded.

And I asked him how his day was going.

And he responded.

And then the conversation stopped.

I asked him what he was doing.

If he was at work.

And he answered.

And I asked him another question.

And he answered.

And then I said:

Are you okay?

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

No.

This is not how our conversations go.

Something’s Out of Pocket

We have a conversation that goes back and forth.

This is very one-sided.

This is not the same.

What’s going on?

“Well, I just got to work.”

“I’m getting ready.”

“Things started.”

“How are you doing?”

Right.

Something’s out of pocket.

I noticed it because it’s out of pocket.

I’m gonna ask you about it.

Why?

I know how you move.

We may be having all types of mental incapacities.

But we will be able to tell you:

That’s not how you do that.

That’s not how you act when you say that.

Mm.

That inflection in your voice?

I picked up on that.

That’s not what that means.

Why Can’t People Notice Us the Same Way?

Why can’t people notice us the same way?

And that’s been my struggle the last couple of days.

Hey.

I am doing the very same things that I do when I need help.

When I’m getting depressed.

When my world feels like it’s caving in.

I’m doing the very same thing when I feel like I’m being shut out.

I’m not being seen.

Just for you to tell me:

“You know, it’s just the narrative in your head.”

Sir.

You were part of the narrative in my head.

I Said This Is What I Needed

This plays out often.

Because:

Hey.

I said that this is what I needed.

This is what would help.

And your response was:

Well, I am gonna do everything but the things you said.

Just count the things I did as the things that you wanted.

Although they aren’t the same.

Mmm.

No.

It’s not how that works.

It’s never gonna be how that works.

I Deserve to Be Seen

If you want me to respect who you are and your differences and your needs and your wants?

At the very least?

I deserve that same respect.

I deserve to be seen.

I deserve to be known.

And if you aren’t going to offer that?

If you choose to not be the person who wants to know me?

There’s a door.

I can’t spend the rest of my life settling for someone who doesn’t want to know me.

Who doesn’t see me.

They see the me that they want me to be.

The person that they need me to be.

That’s a part of me.

There’s more to me than that.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie?

I got up and I did my interviews.

They went well.

I fed myself because today I didn’t want to eat.

I played devil’s advocate between my husband and our child.

I listened to both my husband and my child when they needed an ear.

I advocated for myself.

With said friend?

Set new boundaries.

I said:

Hey.

I have been consistent with you my whole entire friendship.

And you got hurt and decided you need to hurt me.

That’s not okay.

If you’re not gonna know me?

What are we friends for?

So again?

I just expect that if you’re going to say that you care?

And if you’re going to say that you love me?

If you’re going to say that you want me?

Show me.

Show me in the way that tells me you know who I am.

Does that mean I want flowers every Sunday?

No.

If you say:

“Hey, let’s go get tacos.”

My gosh.

Why do you love me so much?

If you say:

“Jamesha?”

“I was thinking about making baked potatoes tonight.”

Word?

With cheese and sour cream?

“And I even bought you black olives even though I don’t like them.”

Black olives?

If you tell me:

“Hey, let’s just sit here and watch a movie together.”

“Hey, you look like you’re getting ready to spiral.”

“I hear you saying that you don’t feel loved.”

I’m gonna randomly just pop up.

And it doesn’t mean physically.

It just simply means:

Hey.

I know you didn’t think that I would say hi to you today at this time.

But I was just thinking of you.

And I wanted to say hi.

So you were randomly thinking of me?

I was randomly thinking of you indeed.

Me?

Hmm.

I keep showing you consistency on my end.

I need to see consistency on your end to know that you know me.

Or what’s the point?

So if you are somewhere and you are feeling unknown?

If you’re feeling like the people in your life keep telling you how much they care and love you and want you?

But they don’t know who you are fundamentally?

Question it.

Sit them down and ask:

Hey.

You say that you know me.

Why does this keep happening?

Advocate for yourself.

Our mental health often takes hits when we don’t understand why people don’t see us.

Why don’t you see me?

“Well, I do see you.”

Okay.

So when I told you I felt unwanted?

What was I asking for?

“Well, I do want you.”

No.

I don’t need you to tell me.

How’d you show me?

“Well, I don’t know how to show you.”

Okay.

Well what ways have I told you to show me?

Hey.

Know me.

I’m worth knowing.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.