Dear Empty Me: My Head Is Full, My Heart Is Empty

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

What do you do when your feelings are stronger than what you can handle?

Do you put on a smile and try to keep going?

Do you tell somebody?

Try to talk through it?

Do you hide in your room in hopes that it’ll just pass by eventually?

That’s been my day.

I Can’t Unhear What I Heard

I had a rough night last night.

Things were said.

And I have been struggling with them since.

I can’t unhear what I heard.

And the hit that I took from it has been very damaging.

And so last night I went to bed with the idea that I would put it all behind me.

And I’d get up this morning and I’d be better.

And that is not what happened.

This Morning When I Woke Up, I Just Felt Empty

This morning when I woke up?

I just felt empty.

Not hurt-myself empty.

Not run-away empty.

Just like I had nothing to give today.

And so I did it.

What you’re seeing is what I’ve been in all day today.

This is how dark my room has been.

I’ve been in bed.

I have been in and out of sleep.

It is the very beginning of a depressive episode.

And I’m sure people will wonder:

Well, that’s how you’re feeling.

Why are you doing your journal?

Because that’s the most important time for me to do my journal.

When I am gutted.

No, I’m Still Wearing My Bonnet

So I debated it today.

Do I get dressed up?

Do I take a shower and get pretty?

Do I get on here and act like while the day was hard for me, that I met it head-on?

No.

I’m still wearing my bonnet.

I am dressed in my PJs.

I rolled out of bed.

So my face is probably really gross.

The lights are off.

Because the lights have been off all day today.

Although it’s fairly bright outside.

I just...

Today I just can’t.

And that’s been hard.

I Got Up Just Enough to Do the Phone Call

I had two interviews today.

And so I had to figure out how to muster up the energy to do those two interviews.

They were phone interviews, so it made it a bit easier.

I got up just enough to do the phone call.

And then I’d go back to sleep.

And then I got up and did the next phone call.

And I went back to sleep.

I am not typically a Do Not Disturb girly.

I don’t like putting my phone on Do Not Disturb in the event that one of my kiddos or my family members need me.

Today?

My phone has been on Do Not Disturb all day today.

I just don’t want to be bothered.

But when I’ve seen that people have messaged me or called me?

I’ve reached back out.

I have to give the illusion that I’m okay.

Let’s Go Shopping

So I had gone through my bag of tricks of making myself feel better.

I started off with:

Let’s go shopping.

And that wasn’t giving me the hit that I needed.

So I abandoned my cart.

And then I said:

Let’s download Tinder.

That’ll make me feel wanted.

And I downloaded it.

And I signed up for it.

And did all the work there.

And that didn’t do the trick.

So I deleted that.

Again, I wasn’t looking to go out with anybody or meet up with anybody.

I just needed the hit of:

Someone swiped for me.

But I deleted it.

And then I went to bed.

I Tried Remembering What It Felt Like When I Felt Most Loved

And then this morning I tried remembering what it felt like when I felt most loved.

And that seemed to work.

I was able to relax.

And my muscles released.

And I laid down.

And I went to a peaceful sleep.

Which I really needed.

The issue with that?

That always leaves me wanting more.

So I woke up from my nap.

And I saw that my husband had called me.

And I returned his phone call.

And he asked me what was wrong.

And at the moment?

Nothing was wrong.

I was just waking up.

I Just Really Felt Unwanted and Unloved

I was telling him how I felt.

And what was going on inside my head and my heart.

And I told him that I downloaded Tinder.

But that I deleted it.

And that was kind of that conversation.

Again, I didn’t do anything with it.

So there wasn’t much more to say about it.

And then I was explaining why I did it.

That I felt upset.

And I felt sad.

And that was my mindset.

That was what I was struggling with.

And I was telling him that I just really felt unwanted and unloved.

And he listened.

And he asked if there was anything he could do.

And I said:

Well, it’s part of the reason why I feel the way that I feel.

Your Feelings Sometimes Are Based Off a Narrative in Your Mind That’s Not Real

And he asked why.

And so I started naming reasons of the things that made me feel that way.

And he started to say something.

And then he froze.

And switched up what he was saying.

And I caught it.

If you struggle with mental health?

You know that we catch all the nuances.

And I said:

“That didn’t sound very genuine.”

“You wanted to say something different.”

And he said that he didn’t want to go back and forth arguing with me about what I felt because my feelings are my feelings.

And I said:

“Well, are you saying that you don’t always agree with my feelings?”

And he said:

“No.”

“Your feelings sometimes are based off a narrative in your mind that’s not real.”

It Feels Real

Narrative in my mind that’s not real.

It feels real.

It hurts like it’s real.

It stings like it’s real.

But that’s his synopsis of what I’m doing.

And I said:

Okay.

And I didn’t get upset.

And I didn’t get mad.

I just listened.

And then the conversation kind of died there.

We didn’t really say anything else.

We just kind of sat on the phone.

I Was Looking for a Dopamine Hit

And unbeknownst to him?

I was looking for a dopamine hit.

So I was reaching back into that bag of tricks that would make me feel better.

And the one that always does?

The one that always does was the one that I chose.

And it’s the one where I feel safe.

Where I feel like me.

I feel loved.

I feel like I don’t have to put a show on for anybody.

I felt like I was just accepted for the person that I am.

There aren’t many times that I felt that way.

But in this particular case?

That’s all I felt.

And so I started to imagine that particular time where I felt that way.

And I was able to relax and calm down.

That’s Sad in and of Itself, Right?

But that’s sad in and of itself, right?

That my need of peace comes from people or things not involved in my life anymore.

And that’s not an insult to anybody that I interact with or who’s currently in my life.

It’s just that I don’t...

I don’t receive the thing that I received from that situation.

That situation made me feel whole.

I don’t know how else to explain it.

It just...

There was something about that situation that killed me inside.

And it’s been hard to find or recreate since then.

My Head Was Full, My Heart Is Empty

And so today I’ve just been struggling.

I’ve spent most of the day buried under my blankets.

Curled up with my stuffed animals.

Sleeping.

And despite the fact that my head has hurt?

My heart has hurt even more.

I think I described it this morning as:

My head was full.

My heart is empty.

My heart is empty.

I have kept it together for most of the day.

Up until this last little part where I’m sitting on the phone with my husband and I’m bawling.

But he doesn’t know that I’m bawling.

Or if he does know?

He doesn’t acknowledge it.

And I’m just crying my eyes out.

Because I just feel...

What I feel.

I Don’t Feel Wanted

In my mind?

My feelings are justified.

I don’t feel wanted.

I don’t feel loved.

I don’t feel needed.

I feel like I could pack up and go away and nobody would notice.

And while that may not be true to others?

It doesn’t change the way that I’m feeling.

And so today I am trying to work through all those feelings by myself.

And it’s hard.

Because I don’t know what to do with those feelings.

I don’t know how to quiet that storm other than to go back to a time where I didn’t feel that way.

Chapters Are Closed for a Reason

But going back to a time where I didn’t feel that way just makes me long more for that particular time period.

And then that’s when we get into the danger zone of me searching for things that I should probably not be searching for.

Not negative things.

Not bad things.

It’s just...

Chapters are closed for a reason.

And to reopen some of those chapters could be potentially painful.

And at this moment?

The risk of the pain seems worth it because of how I’m feeling now.

How Often Do You Tell Yourself That the Risk Is Worth the Reward?

How often do you tell yourself that the risk is worth the reward?

Because I feel like I do that often when I’m in this state of mind.

I feel like when I’m in an episode of depression?

I can justify all the negative things that I want to do.

I can convince myself why it’s okay to do them.

Even though I know that I shouldn’t.

And today?

I’ve done really well.

I didn’t do any of the things that I wanted to do.

I have, again, shut off my phone.

Which has made it pretty easy.

I have quarantined myself into my room.

Only leaving when I have to go to the bathroom.

And the one time I decided to eat today.

Because again?

Mental health is hard.

Some Days Are Hard

So I did make myself eat today.

Although eating wasn’t what I wanted to do.

Some days are hard.

And people don’t understand that.

They don’t understand how someone could be where they were yesterday.

Which is...

Yesterday I wasn’t in a good spot.

And we acknowledged that.

I wasn’t happy.

I was upset.

I was trying my hardest to not let it bring me down.

I made sure to keep myself out of the headspace that would put me in this position where I’m sitting in a room in the dark, not wanting to deal with anybody.

And yesterday?

I fought that battle.

And I won.

I don’t always win.

That’s Not How This Works

It’s not something that always works.

And so in doing my journal today?

I wanted to be as authentic and honest as possible.

It would be so easy for me to go get dressed.

And do my hair.

And sit here and talk about:

Well, earlier I had a bad day.

But look at me bounce back now.

That’s not how this works.

That’s not mental health.

Mental health is smiling while crying and breaking down.

It’s fighting to be seen and stay alive.

It’s trying to silence the voices in your head against the voices of the outside world.

Is He Wrong? I Don’t Know.

Is he wrong?

I don’t know.

Maybe the narrative of my head is different.

I don’t know if it’s necessarily the narrative or the perspective.

But whatever it is?

It’s there.

It’s going to be the reason why my actions are my actions.

So regardless of whether the narrative isn’t true to him or not?

I’m going to move accordingly.

Because that’s how I see it.

And that’s how I feel.

I Needed to Feel Attractive or Wanted

So again?

For me that looked like downloading a dating app.

Not to date somebody.

But to feel...

To feel like I’m attractive or wanted.

That is talking to people that I probably shouldn’t talk to the way that I do.

And I acknowledge that.

And that was a huge component of last night’s and today’s mental toil.

I got my ass handed to me last night.

And I’m trying to figure out how to navigate it in a way that it makes sense.

And it’s hard.

I’m Going to Have to Set Some Different Boundaries

Because I recognize that means I’m going to have to set some different boundaries.

And stick with them.

And I’m going to have to look inside to find what I’m missing and needing.

And then figure out how to fix that issue.

As if it’s an issue I can just fix.

Again?

Not how that happens.

I wish I could just say:

Here’s the issue.

Let me put a Band-Aid on it.

Or let me stretch it out.

Let me exercise this muscle.

Unfortunately?

That’s not how my mental health works.

It may take a lot longer to wade through what I’m feeling and what I’m thinking than I want to.

And that’s okay.

I’m Still Functioning

I’m still functioning.

Tomorrow, despite the fact that I’ve been locked in a cave all day today?

I still managed to do my two interviews.

And get two more interviews.

Follow-up interviews from those two jobs.

So I’m doing something, right?

I am regretting my decision to schedule them tomorrow.

Because right now all I want to do is hide.

And that means tomorrow I have to go up into the bright unknown.

But I probably need it.

And I can recognize that I need it.

Although everything in me wants to cancel the interviews and reschedule them?

I’m not going to.

Hiding in My Room Is Okay

I’m going to acknowledge today that hiding in my room is okay.

That there are going to be days where life is hard.

And it’s a setback.

And there are going to be times where I question friendships.

And relationships.

And the most important connection with myself.

Not everything is going to always be:

Hey.

This should be perfect because I said so.

Was moving to California the best thing for me so far?

Yes.

Is it forcing me to look inside at things that I don’t like?

Yes.

Is it hard?

Yes.

Is it necessary?

Yes.

I Have Nothing but My Thoughts

So as I learn and grow?

Being in a room...

I shouldn’t say stuck.

I could leave.

I just choose not to.

Where I have nothing but my thoughts as I wait for work to start?

Not knowing when it’s going to start?

I have just given myself the perfect opportunity to dive into any doubts or fears I have about myself.

And today?

That came to fruition.

Today Is a Bad Day

I am proud of myself that I’ve gone this long without it being to this point.

That’s a big deal for me.

Because I could have easily spiraled earlier.

The minute I found out that my job wasn’t gonna start.

Like, there’s so many things that could stress me out.

And worry me.

And trigger episodes.

And it didn’t happen.

I’ve been really tough.

I’ve been really strong.

I’ve persevered.

I have to remember that today is a bad day.

I’m going to have good and bad days.

It does not mean that everything is going bad.

There’s a huge difference in between those two.

And sometimes I have to constantly remind myself that there is a difference between having a bad day and things going bad.

My Bite of Pie

So my bite of pie today was recognizing that I needed the extra care.

It was recognizing that I needed to take the day to take care of me and my mental health.

While yes, my plan was to get up and go to the gym and do all the things?

I think it would have been worse for me to force myself to do those things than it would be for me to say:

Hey.

Let’s take a minute.

Let’s process all the things.

And then tomorrow?

We’ll try again.

Because I know that if I had forced myself to do today?

I would have ended up in my room a lot longer.

So my bite of pie is:

I took care of me.

And it may not be in the way that everybody thought I should.

And it may not look like everybody’s version of taking care of themselves.

And that’s okay.

My version doesn’t have to look like their version.

My version doesn’t have to make sense to them.

Sometimes?

It’s just this.

It’s me in a room dealing with all the things that I think that I’m dealing with.

Writing it out.

Talking it out.

I’m sure that at some point I will call a friend and say:

“Hey, this is what’s happening.”

“I need to bounce my ideas off somebody.”

And they’ll be there to listen.

And that’ll help.

But at this moment?

What I needed most was to be with me.

And I chose to do that.

So if you’re out there and you’re watching this dark and gloomy video where you can barely see me?

I apologize.

I wanted to be authentic in the sense that I wasn’t just...

This is me.

This is how some of my days look.

I hope that you are doing what is necessary for you.

I hope that if you recognize that you’re struggling?

And that if you’re needing to take the time to process your feelings and your thoughts?

That it’s okay.

Every day does not have to look perfect.

We don’t have to get up every day smiling in the hopes that everything needs to look like we’re coping.

We don’t cope every day.

That’s not how every day works.

So if you’re struggling today?

Give yourself a break.

Give yourself the time to feel the things that you’re feeling.

Figure out why or where they’re coming from.

Just because your feelings don’t match somebody else’s narrative?

Doesn’t make them untrue.

It doesn’t make them less painful.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.