Dear Crestfallen Me: I Chose B

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever had what you perceive to be a day go bad?

Everything was going right.

And then one thing happened.

And all of a sudden you feel like your day’s ruined.

I am so good at that happening.

It’s a Good Day

I went to bed at a decent time last night.

I woke up.

Ate a donut.

Had some coffee.

Went back to bed.

Woke up again.

And was just like:

It’s a good day.

I’ve got to go to the gym.

I’m going to get outside of the house.

And I did.

I went for breakfast.

And I sat inside and ate by myself.

And then I went to the gym.

And I exercised for a little while.

Eased back into it because I know that I’ve been feeling sick lately.

And then while I was there, my bestie called me.

And I talked to her for a while.

And then I went to the grocery store.

One of my favorite grocery stores.

And got my favorite deli sandwich.

And some sushi.

And some fruit.

Smiling.

Laughing.

Playing.

Singing.

Post-Workout Means She Was Starving

Drove back home.

I scarfed down my food because post-workout means she was starving.

She also shouldn’t go to the grocery store.

She spends more money than she needs to.

But she went.

And she ate.

And then she did her interview.

And that went exceptionally well.

She’s being scheduled for a second interview.

And then she got a call back for another job.

So now she has two interviews.

So now I have two.

I know.

I’m talking about myself in third person.

So now I have two interviews tomorrow.

So it’s gonna be exciting.

It’s been a good day.

And Then There Were a Few Things That Left Me Feeling Off

And then there’s been a few things that just kind of left me feeling off.

So I got a text message that I wasn’t very happy about.

Two, actually.

I tried to take care of both.

I think both of them are still very much in limbo.

There’s not really much I can do about it.

So I just kind of have to ride the waves.

And then I talked to my husband today.

And told him that I was hurt.

Because last night I called him.

And he sent me straight to voicemail.

And for some reason?

I just felt rejected.

In That Moment, I Felt Rejected

He sent me a message telling me that he was on the phone with his kid.

And that doesn’t bother me.

Like, I understand he was on the phone for whatever reason.

In that moment?

I felt rejected.

And it hurt.

It stung a little bit.

And I kind of just put it out of my head.

And continued on with my night.

I went to bed.

And then this morning when I checked my phone?

I realized he never called me back.

He never called to check on me to see why I was calling.

Or asked me what it was about.

There was no curiosity about it.

So that kind of sucked.

You Make Time for the Things That Are Important to You

I kind of brushed that off to the best of my ability today.

And then I’ve been feeling the same stickiness with Boyfriend.

Because I’ve been here for a while.

And I haven’t really seen him.

And obviously he’s got a life to live.

And he’s busy.

And I’ve got a life to live.

And I’m busy.

But I am an advocate and a fan of:

You make time for the things that are important to you.

And that has been one of my strongest issues and concerns in relationships.

Everybody is always busy.

Everybody’s always got something to do.

And that is the crux of why they can’t give you anything.

I’m Feeling Just Rejected Overall

And so that was a big thing with my husband.

You know, he’s starting a business.

He’s doing things.

He’s tired.

And that was what the foundation was cracking under with him.

And then I get out here.

And Boyfriend has been telling me:

Come out.

Come out.

Come out.

Come out.

Come out.

And I’m out here.

And it’s:

“When I have the time.”

“When I make the time.”

“When I have the time.”

And so I’m feeling just rejected overall.

I think those two things happening back to back from two people that I obviously really care about?

It was just kind of a sting to me.

Something Deflated

And so I was sitting here.

And I was dancing.

And I was playing.

And I was on with another friend.

And he could tell that something, like, deflated.

Because he was like:

“What’s wrong?”

And it wasn’t that something had actually happened to say that something went wrong.

It just was, again, I’m having this conversation.

And I told myself:

Don’t ask about it.

Don’t reach out and say:

“Hey, what are you doing?”

Because while in normal worlds that makes sense?

I just feel like it makes me really needy.

It makes me really insecure to ask.

And I should just leave it alone.

If he wants to spend time with me, he’ll make that happen.

And if not?

Well then obviously it won’t happen.

I Would Like to Be a Part of Your Busy

But today I was like:

I’m in a really great mood.

I’m just gonna see.

Like:

“Hey, when are we gonna hang out?”

“Like, bruh, I’d like to hang out with you.”

And the way that I said it was in my little, what I consider my little cutesy way of saying it.

And was like:

“Hey, I recognize you’re busy.”

“You’re busy with work.”

“You’re busy with sports.”

“I would like to be a part of your busy.”

“What does that mean?”

“What do you mean part of busy?”

And I said:

“Well, I’d like to be one of the reasons why you’re busy.”

When he has time?

He said absolutely.

That’s Not How I Internalized It

And while that is the correct answer?

Obviously that means he’ll spend time with me when he can.

That’s not how I internalized it.

I internalized it as:

He doesn’t have time for me.

He doesn’t want to make time for me.

I’m not that important.

And I should stop asking.

And so I apologized for asking.

And said that I wouldn’t ask in the future.

It’s really interesting to see the pathways my brain takes when I hear something I don’t like.

Because I recognize that they’re not typical reactions.

I don’t want to say normal because it is my reaction.

So it’s normal to some extent.

But it’s not a typical reaction.

Most people don’t go from A to Z.

I’m not most people.

I Hear That You’re Busy and Internalize That I’m Not Important

I hear that you’re busy and internalize it as:

I’m not important.

I hear that you don’t like something and internalize that as:

You don’t like me.

And sometimes it looks like me having to sit here and undo the conversation that I’m feeling versus the conversation that I’m hearing.

And so in this moment?

I was sitting here and I was kind of flustered with myself.

And trying to distract myself.

And I said:

I want to buy something.

Because I can’t be sad from shopping.

I Was Looking for This Dopamine Hit That I Had Just Lost

And it’s not so much that I’m using retail therapy.

I’ve had some stuff in my cart that I’ve been meaning to buy.

I need to go ahead and take care of it.

But I also recognized that part of the reason why I was doing that was because I was looking for this dopamine hit that I had just lost.

And that’s not the correct way of going about it.

So instead of doing the shopping?

Instead of moping?

I went to my journal.

And I wish that I would do that more often.

When the Emotions Get Too Big or Too Sticky, That’s When I Tap Out

I wish that in the times that I’m feeling upset or stressed or disappointed, that I would take the time to pull out my journal and write.

And I think that has always been where journaling has failed me.

Because I can sit down for so long and do that.

I can write about what’s going on in my world.

When the emotions get too big or too sticky?

That’s when I tap out.

Because to acknowledge those feelings feels heavy.

And I’m proud that today I didn’t do that.

Today I said:

You know what?

It’s a great time to work my journal.

I am feeling some kind of way.

I recognize that it’s earlier than I usually do.

Sometimes It’s the Middle of the Day and I Have These Feelings

But I want to be the example for you guys that sometimes it’s not about getting into bed at the end of the night and writing in your journals.

Sometimes it’s:

It’s the middle of the day.

And I have these feelings.

And if I don’t get them out?

If I don’t process them right away?

I’m going to cause myself to have bigger issues.

I don’t want to have bigger issues.

The goal is to work with myself.

I can’t do that if my mind is currently in crisis.

And while the crisis doesn’t seem big to anybody else?

The idea of feeling unwanted or unloved is huge.

The Weight That It Pushes Down on You Is Suffocating

Even when you recognize that it’s not true?

The weight that it pushes down on you is suffocating.

And I just...

I didn’t want to continue the same path that I usually go on.

Which is:

Well, the day’s over for me.

I’m just gonna lay down.

Go to bed.

And call it a day.

Because that’s what my thoughts were.

My thoughts were:

I’ll just go to bed.

And the day will be over.

It’s four o’clock here in California.

And I wanna draw my curtains and go to bed.

I Know Why I Want to Go to Bed

And I know that’s not because it’s not a gorgeous day outside and there’s nothing to do.

It’s because I get so deep into my head and so sad about everything that that is the easiest thing for me to do.

We talked about this a couple of days ago.

If I were to follow my mood?

I would change into my PJs.

Climb into my bed at 4:18 in the afternoon.

And be done for the day.

I refuse to let myself get out of this chair.

Because I know that getting out of this chair means I’m going to put myself to bed.

I’m forcing myself to sit here and write in my journal.

And to do some work that I need to do.

Rather than saying:

Okay.

Let’s just wrap up the day.

It’s Not That I’m Not Feeling My Feelings

And it’s not that I’m not feeling my feelings.

We talk about that often.

You get the chance to feel your feelings.

You get the chance to process what’s going on.

And you’re supposed to take that chance.

Do that.

Always do that.

But also acknowledging when that goes too far.

And today, for me?

If I let myself wallow in it—which is what my plan was to do—to get into bed and lay down and just be done with the day and shut everybody out?

I was gonna prolong the negativity that I felt.

Versus:

Let me get it out in a healthy way.

Let me write it down.

Let me process it.

So that I can stop it.

Or I can work on it.

Am I Still Sad? Yeah.

So am I still sad?

Yeah.

Do I still feel unwanted?

Yeah.

Am I gonna lay in bed and cry about it?

Not now.

I’m going to get all those thoughts out in my journal.

I’m going to explain to me why one thing doesn’t mean the other.

Why it’s okay to be rejected in one way and it not determine my whole worth.

Because that’s really what it is.

Someone Not Having Time for You Today Doesn’t Mean That You’re Worthless

Hey.

Someone not having time for you today doesn’t mean that you’re worthless.

Someone not having time for you in this moment of life doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you.

Yes.

When people care, they make the time for you.

I’ve been here for a week and a half.

Maybe.

I can’t expect everybody to drop and change their lives because I’m here.

I can’t have this expectation that:

Well, if I really meant something, you’d make the time.

As if their lives weren’t already planned before I decided to take a job here and drive out here.

I made decisions for my life.

They’ve made decisions for their lives.

They still have to live with what they’re doing.

With the decisions that they’ve made.

I Can’t Take It Personally Because It’s Not Going the Way I Planned It in My Head

I can’t take it personally because it’s not going the way that I’ve planned it in my head.

And that’s what I do.

I have a tendency to say:

Hey.

This is what I thought it would be like in my head.

Why isn’t it going this way?

My husband has accused me of that many a times.

Hey.

This is what I had planned for the day.

But I know the planning you had for yourself in your head is going to be drastically different.

And it’s going to change.

And you’re going to expect everybody to change with it.

But you’re not gonna tell people what your expectation is.

But I’ll be the first person that’s disappointed when it’s not met.

That’s Life With Mental Health

That’s life.

That’s life with mental health.

It is:

Yes.

We have these expectations.

And we have these needs.

And we have these wants.

And at the end of the day?

We’d love for everything to stack up the way that we want it to.

We don’t always know how to convey that.

We don’t always know how to explain that.

We just know that when it hits us in the way that we don’t want it to?

That’s when it’s more obvious how we’re feeling.

I may not be able to convey to you:

Hey.

I’m not seeing it the way that you’re seeing it.

I’m not hearing it the way that you’re hearing it.

But the day I lay down in bed?

And I don’t wanna get up?

And I don’t wanna eat?

Or the only thing I can eat is a bowl of cereal?

Is when you notice.

I Don’t Wanna Only Be Noticed When I’m in a Crisis

I don’t wanna only be noticed when I’m in a crisis.

I don’t wanna only be noticed when I’ve hit rock bottom and I can’t go anywhere else.

But I can’t blame that on somebody else if I’m not willing to speak up when I need the help.

So today?

Instead of shutting down and climbing into my bed?

I’m saying:

Nope.

I’m gonna do something about it.

And I did.

I opened my journal.

And I’m talking about it.

I’m not hiding it.

I’m not drowning in it.

I’m doing the right thing.

I’m processing it.

We Would Call This Self-Care

We would call this self-care.

If I had my own bathroom?

I’d be in a bathtub right now.

That sounds amazing.

Maybe I’ll take myself to a hot tub later.

But the point is:

When you know that things are headed in a direction that are going to negatively affect you?

That are going to set upon you?

And you have the option to do something about it?

Do something about it.

Don’t let it get too far.

We’re Not Gonna Just Climb Into Bed and Rot

When I notice the signs of me swirling into a depressive mode?

When I notice that I’m getting ready to lock myself into a room and give up?

I need to do something different.

We don’t always recognize it.

We don’t always see it.

We won’t always recognize it or see it.

It’s impossible.

But the times that we do?

We are responsible for changing it.

So I saw where it was going.

I saw how I was impacted by it.

I felt the heaviness in my chest.

And I said:

No.

We’re not gonna do that.

We’re not gonna just climb into bed and rot.

We’re not gonna just ignore everybody and everything because we’re feeling that way.

And so I came here.

To you.

And wrote my journal.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I went to the gym.

I wasn’t there for long.

And I felt like I should say that.

So I went to the gym.

I was there for maybe 23 minutes.

It was my first time being at this particular gym.

Like, not the company.

But this facility.

And I was a little nervous about going in because I have no idea what I’m doing.

So I walk in.

I scan in.

I get on a treadmill.

And I just walk.

And at first I was embarrassed because I was going super slow.

And I’m not moving the way everybody else does.

And I’m not sweating.

And it’s like:

You just got done being sick.

It’s okay to ease back into it.

So I did 22 and a half minutes on the treadmill.

Incline.

No incline.

Speed.

No speed.

Taking it easy.

When that was done?

I walked around the gym to see what was what and where.

And then I left.

My Gosh, You Did That?

And originally I was going to kick myself for it.

Because:

My gosh.

That’s all you could do?

But instead of:

My gosh, that’s all you could do?

I said:

My gosh.

You did that?

Because the inflection of each of those statements depends on how it’s gonna come across to me.

I did that.

I got up today.

And I went.

The first of many days I’m gonna get up.

I’m gonna go.

And I’m gonna do it.

Because that’s the life I’m choosing to build for myself.

Build Your Life Brick by Brick

If you could build your TikTok and your Instagram and your Facebook brick by brick?

Build your life that way.

Lay down a foundation.

And decide:

Hey.

This is the foundation that I’d like to stand on.

And today for me?

That was going to the gym.

It was getting healthy foods to eat.

I have been DoorDashing like crazy since I’ve been here.

Because I haven’t wanted to leave my house.

And so I think this idea of:

Nope.

You’re getting up.

And you’re going to the gym.

And then you get to go reward yourself with something yummy to eat.

Is going to make a huge difference.

I had a nice sandwich.

I had some California rolls.

And I just enjoyed it.

It Means Doing the Things That Are Usually Difficult for Me to Do

And I think if I’m going to change my mindset?

If I’m going to change my mental health?

It means doing the things that are usually difficult for me to do.

It means recognizing the signs.

And saying not to give in to them.

It’s giving myself that self-care when I know that I need it the most.

I have to be my own biggest cheerleader.

I can’t expect him to pick me up just because I’m feeling down today.

It’s not his responsibility.

It’s my responsibility to take care of me.

I Want You Around Because You Enjoy Your Time With Me

Yes.

I’m sure if I told him what was going on, he’d be more apt to be like:

“My gosh, what do you need?”

I don’t want him to spend time with me for that.

I want him to spend time with me because he chooses to want to hang out with me.

Same goes for him.

And my husband.

And my friends.

I don’t want you around me because you pity me.

And you feel like you have to take care of me.

I want you around because you enjoy your time with me.

And the first step of having you enjoy your time with me is me being able to self-regulate.

Self-soothe.

And recognize when things are going south.

Today I Worked on That

So today?

I worked on that.

And I’m proud of myself.

Because even as I’ve had this conversation?

The feeling has lifted.

When I first started writing in my journal today?

I felt heavy.

Sad.

Disappointed.

And while those feelings haven’t gone away?

I also now feel proud of myself for doing what I needed to do.

I’m happy that in a chance where I got to choose where I wanted to go:

Do I want to choose A?

And go lay down and give up?

Or B?

Do something about it?

I chose B.

I Don’t Always Choose B, but Today I Did

I don’t always choose B.

But today I did.

And I’m hoping that wherever you are, when you are met with the same choices:

Do I go and hide from the issue?

Or do I take the issue head-on and say:

Yeah.

I see why you’re feeling this way.

I see why it’s coming across this way.

I’m not gonna linger on it.

I’m going to get it out.

I’m gonna write it out.

I’m going to process it.

And then I’m gonna say:

Okay.

I’ve done the parts that I can do.

Let’s do something different.

I want that for you.

I want that for you the way that I want that for me.

I want us to be able to work through the moments.

And not get stuck in the moments.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.