Dear Stubborn Me: Sometimes I’m Just Wrong

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Have you ever been so set in your ways, even when you know you’re wrong, but won’t back down?

It’s as if if you were to back down or relent, you’d be doing a disservice to yourself.

You’d have to admit you were wrong.

That is me in a nutshell.

I don’t like being wrong.

So instead?

I’m just stubborn.

I just double down.

I Probably Should Go to the Doctor

Today, there have been things that I needed to take care of.

Wanted to take care of.

No.

At first it started off because I was sick.

So I took some meds last night.

And they interacted with each other really badly to the point where I knocked out.

And I was just groggy all morning.

So I told myself that I needed to sleep some more because I couldn’t function.

And then my chest started to hurt.

And it was like the idea of squeezing a fist was what my chest felt like.

Like something heavy was just sitting on it.

Logically?

I probably should go to the doctor and get it checked out.

No.

I said I would sleep it off.

Maybe Dizzy Isn’t the Right Word

So I messaged a friend and said:

“Hey, I’m gonna go to sleep.”

“I’m not feeling well.”

“If you don’t hear from me though, give me a call.”

I was sound asleep when he called.

But I’m still alive.

So then I get up.

And I decide to get dressed and take my shower.

And my thought is:

Okay.

You get up.

You go to the gym.

It’s a great beautiful day outside.

You can go for a walk.

There’s a plethora of things you can do today to be up and aware.

And then I took a shower.

And I felt dizzy.

But maybe dizzy isn’t the right word.

I felt jittery.

Jittery’s better.

And I was trying to figure out why I felt so off.

Apparently, when you only eat donuts and a breakfast burrito yesterday and donuts this morning?

That leads to you not feeling very well.

Common sense, right?

I Have Had No Energy Whatsoever

And so I’ve just been dragging all day today.

I have had no energy whatsoever to do any of the things I need to do.

But I got dressed.

And I said:

Fine.

I will sit in front of my computer.

I will see if I can do some work there.

I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished not one thing today.

And as much as I keep telling myself:

Hey.

The best way to get to feel better is to lay down and rest.

No.

I say:

I’ve got stuff to do.

I need to do it.

I’m Still Doing the Opposite

I have come on here and advocated so many times to listen to your body when your body says stop.

To take that break.

Get the rest that you needed.

And I’m still doing the opposite.

When I tell you guys that I practice what I preach, it’s because I know how difficult it is to practice what I preach.

There are days where I’m just:

Yes.

I need to lay down and rest.

But today it feels like:

Well, that’s all you’ve done in the last couple of days.

You need to be productive.

You have stuff you need to do.

You have things you need to figure out.

Am I really figuring anything out?

No.

My head’s super foggy.

Everything feels delayed.

I’m literally just sitting here zoning out.

In My Head I’ve Done Some Writing

I wanted to do some writing.

And in my head?

I’ve done some writing.

Not actually putting anything on paper.

Documenting any other stuff that I’ve done.

I am planning for the gym tomorrow.

I feel like I’ve been ran over by a truck.

But I’ve decided I’m going to the gym tomorrow.

Because why not?

But when I was feeling healthy?

You couldn’t catch me at the gym.

It’s almost as if I felt this need to torture myself.

And not in, like, a hurt-for-harm way.

But in a way that says:

Hey.

You’re expected to do all the things all the time.

You don’t get a sick day.

You don’t get an off day.

You Must Carry That Load

And I’m so set in that way of thinking that:

No.

You must take care of it all the time.

You must carry that load and that weight.

And never give yourself a break.

I don’t even have anything to do out here.

I’m not working yet.

My job hasn’t started.

I don’t have any laundry to do because I did that all last week.

I can’t go grocery shopping because my fridge is full.

I don’t have anywhere to go.

Or to be.

And yet?

I still have put so much pressure on myself to do things I don’t have to do.

I’m so set in the mindset that I have to be constantly moving.

I don’t know how to relax and enjoy my time.

No, That Sounds Reasonable, So I Can’t Do That

Reading is one of my pastimes.

I absolutely enjoy reading.

I can’t remember when I sat down and read a whole book.

I’m currently in the process of listening to a book that I really like.

That I haven’t finished.

What better way than to go for a walk?

Get some fresh sunshine.

Some vitamin D.

Listening to my book?

No.

That sounds reasonable.

So I can’t do that.

I Need to Learn

I need to learn when to allow change to be a part of my life.

It’s not being consistent.

It’s not being compliant.

It’s just me refusing to do the things that I can do to make my life better.

And how often do we do that?

How often do we say:

Hey.

I know this will make me feel better.

I know this will be helpful.

But I’m still gonna refuse to do it.

My Husband’s a Great Candidate for That

My husband’s a great candidate for that.

ADHD.

Strong ADHD.

Works well off a schedule.

If you give him a printed schedule and say:

Do this.

This.

This.

This.

And this.

He does amazing things.

Tell him to write a schedule?

And he’s gonna get mad at you.

He cannot stand writing a schedule.

He cannot stand following a schedule.

Despite the fact that he does better on a schedule.

It’s almost like we get so set in being wrong that we’ve convinced ourselves that’s all we could ever do.

And I am the queen of:

Well, I’ve come this far.

May as well stay.

If You Say It Again, I’m Hanging Up

Perfect example.

I was talking to a friend today.

And he said something that pissed me off.

And I told him:

“If you say it again, I’m hanging up.”

So I gave him a chance to rectify what he said.

And he said it again.

And despite the fact that I know he hates it when I hang up?

I hung up.

Do I recognize where I went wrong?

Yes.

Did I call to apologize?

No.

Because why would I apologize?

I told him what I was gonna do.

Does that make it okay?

No.

That’s Just Who I Am

I am so set in:

Well, that’s just who I am.

That I don’t ever process who I could be.

I want to be better.

So if I want to be better?

If I want to get better?

If I want to do better things?

Then I can’t keep getting stuck in:

Well, that’s just me.

And I feel like we often use that as an excuse.

We often say:

“Well, that’s just who I am.”

As if that somehow makes it okay what you’re doing.

That’s not a pass.

That’s not permission.

I’m Very Much Stuck in “Take It or Leave It”

Just because you’ve done something before doesn’t mean you have to continue to do it.

And I do.

I am super flawed.

And I am super stubborn.

And I’m very much stuck in that whole:

Well, take it or leave it.

And then I get mad when people leave it.

I blame myself.

And then I blame others when they walk out of my life.

As if I don’t have control over it.

As if somehow I didn’t say:

“Hey.”

“This is just who I am.”

“I hear what your boundaries are.”

“I hear what you like and dislike.”

“I just don’t feel like it’s worth me changing.”

But I expect people to do that for me.

My Mental Health Is Not an Excuse

I expect that if I set a boundary?

You’re going to respect it.

But then I, on the same side of that coin, say:

Well, my mental health.

My mental health is not an excuse to not respect somebody else’s boundary.

Me being me is not a reason to ignore somebody’s boundary.

My mental health isn’t enough of a reason to not set a boundary for myself.

Well, I’m just so tired of going through things.

Well, life is just hard.

And those things are true.

And even with them being true?

Does it mean I get to use them as an excuse?

I’m Sick. That’s Not an Excuse to Be an Asshole.

I’m sick.

I don’t feel well.

Well, that’s not an excuse to be an asshole.

Those two don’t go together.

And we as a society use it as an excuse for everything.

“Well, my kid’s just teething.”

“Well, he had a bad day.”

“Well, she didn’t get this.”

“Well, she lost her job.”

Things happen in life.

And they absolutely fucking suck.

And even with that being the case?

We have control over what we do.

How we act.

What we say.

What we feel.

That’s our responsibility.

I Can’t Act the Way That He Expects Me to Act

I worked at a mental facility, for those of you who didn’t know.

And we had this teenage boy who loved to use the N-word.

He knew it annoyed all of his peers.

Knew it got to them.

Knew that it affected all the girls.

Knew it made the boys mad.

And used it regularly.

Except for when I was around.

And when I would ask him about it, he’d be like:

“Yeah, I said it.”

And everyone kept asking me:

Why am I not angry with him?

Why am I not mean to him?

Why don’t I ignore him?

And my answer was simple.

I can’t act the way that he expects me to act and then not expect him to think that of me.

I’m gonna say that again.

If he thinks of me that way and I’m going to reiterate those actions by how I act with him?

Nothing’s gonna change.

It’s my job to say:

“I don’t know what the hell you’re looking at.”

“But that’s not me.”

I Have to Give Myself That Too

And surely he would sit down with me.

And he would be like:

“I just...”

“I didn’t mean it.”

“I know I shouldn’t have said it.”

Okay.

Let’s work on something.

And saying something else.

I have to give myself that too.

Hey.

Look.

I can’t expect me to show up and not do better if I’m not gonna give myself the grace to show up and do better.

I am bound to make mistakes.

That does not mean I have to keep making them.

What I need to tell myself is:

Hey.

Even in those mistakes?

You can change them.

You can do something different.

It’s not just because that’s who you are.

Sometimes I May Be Wrong

It’s not fundamentally in me to just be stubborn.

To just accept things how they are because they are.

That’s not how my world is built.

My world is built on being able to change things and improve things.

To make people happy.

To make myself happy.

I can’t do that if I’m willing to just do the same things that I know don’t work.

So my bite of pie today?

Realizing sometimes I may be wrong.

I don’t like it.

I don’t appreciate it.

And I sure as hell don’t like admitting it.

But sometimes?

I’m wrong.

Sometimes My Stubbornness Is Just Me Being Defiant

Sometimes my stubbornness is just me being defiant.

It’s not me being compliant.

It’s not me being strong-willed.

It’s not me being independent.

It’s just what it is.

And it’s not an excuse.

So today?

I’m calling myself out.

Because sometimes my journal needs to do that.

Sometimes my journal needs to look me dead in the face and say:

Girl.

What the hell you doing?

That’s not how this works.

But you have to have the power to do that too.

You have to have the power and the initiative to take a look at yourself and say:

You know what you’re doing is not right.

That’s not okay.

Stop it.

You know better.

Growing Is Hard

Because we know better.

We can acknowledge that we can do better.

Does it happen overnight?

No.

Does it take time?

Yes.

Does it always feel great?

No.

But again?

Growing is hard.

It’s not always pleasant.

It’s not always fun.

But it’s always necessary.

Staying alive means to grow in all aspects.

So today?

I’m correcting myself.

Today I’m giving myself that tough love of:

Hey.

Look.

You’re not being stubborn.

You’re just being an asshole.

It’s not okay.

Do something differently.

The Least You Could Do Is Show Up in That Same Way for Others

If you expect people to treat you a certain way?

The least you could do is show up in that same way for others.

That’s what I learned today.

Am I gonna go back and have that conversation?

I should.

I’m hoping that I’m a big enough girl to do so.

Will it be difficult?

Yes.

Am I gonna want to?

Absolutely not.

But do I want something different for myself?

Yeah.

Is That Just the Excuse Because You Didn’t Want to Go?

So if you’ve had a day where you’ve done things and your thought process has been like:

“Well, my mental health.”

Or:

“Well, I can’t do this because that’s just who I am.”

Think about it.

Genuinely think about it.

I’m not talking about:

I couldn’t climb out of bed today.

Yes.

Mental health is a struggle.

I’ve been there.

I’m not talking about that.

I’m talking about:

You blew off a friend and it was like:

“My mental health.”

Is that just the excuse because you didn’t want to go?

Because you could just say:

“No.”

“I don’t feel like going.”

I Don’t Want to Use My Struggles as an Excuse

I want to stop using things as an excuse that aren’t only an excuse.

Because then I think it creates this problem where we’re using everything as an excuse and then nobody believes us when we really need the help.

And sometimes?

We really need the help.

I don’t want to use my struggles as an excuse for why I do everything in life.

And then when I really need to?

I’m crying wolf.

My Bite of Pie

So that’s what I learned today.

It wasn’t fun.

Or pretty.

It wasn’t life-changing.

But it was important.

It was a slap in the face that I needed.

Sick or not.

And I hope that there are times that you also internally reflect on:

Mmm.

I could have handled that better.

That didn’t need to be done that way.

Not in a pick-at-yourself kind of way.

But in a:

No.

I handled that incorrectly.

And I could have done something differently.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.