Dear Pretty Me: Today, I Saw Me, I Wanted Me, I Heard Me

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Do you have, like, a certain outfit or piece of jewelry that when you put on, you feel radiant?

It’s almost as if this particular item just has magic in it.

That’s typically me in dresses.

If I put on the right outfit?

I feel priceless.

I Have to Wear What I Feel

Today, I got out of bed late.

Kind of enjoyed myself hanging out, watching TV.

And decided that I was gonna get dressed to go out.

So I had a few things I needed to do today.

And I was sitting there thinking about what I should wear.

Now, for a lot of people, it’s really easy.

You just grab something and put it on.

But for me?

It’s methodical.

I have to wear what I feel.

In the last couple of days, I haven’t wanted to get dressed.

Because, well, I didn’t want to get dressed for going out of the house once.

That’s a waste of an outfit.

And although today was going to be a lot of the same, today I felt like getting dressed.

So I was thinking about what I should wear.

And I just felt like a dress.

When I Put It On, I Feel Like a Million Bucks

And then I was trying to figure out just which dress I should wear.

It’s not a dressy occasion.

I was just running to the store to pick up meds.

Get my Starbucks.

Super easy.

But then I got this dress out.

And it’s a simple cotton black dress.

That’s it.

Nothing special.

It has pockets.

But it’s nothing exuberant.

But when I put it on?

I feel like a million bucks.

I don’t worry about how my arms look.

Or how my stomach looks.

And it’s not that it looks any different than it usually does.

I just feel pretty.

Today Was a Big Bag Day

So I got dressed.

And did my hair.

Which today is super curly.

And I just love it.

And I put on my dress.

I put on my sunglasses.

And then I decided that today was a big bag day.

I don’t carry a big bag often.

Today I felt like I needed a statement bag.

So I carried my big Michael Kors bag.

And I just went out.

And I put the music on.

And I danced.

And I sang.

And I drove.

And it felt good.

It felt like sunshine.

And it felt like family.

Warm hugs.

It felt like life was supposed to be that way.

I Just Felt Fucking Pretty

So I go to the store.

And I take care of the few things that I need.

And I order my Starbucks.

And I get there to pick it up.

And it’s super delayed.

They’re behind.

And usually I would stand there awkwardly.

Because I don’t know how to be on my own.

The idea of taking myself out to eat and sitting at a restaurant scares me.

To be by myself is a scary thing.

I’ve gotten better with doing it lately.

But it’s a mindset that you have to have to be able to go sit somewhere by yourself and say:

This is okay.

We don’t do that ultimately enough.

We don’t spend time with ourselves out in public enough.

So I go and I get my Starbucks.

And I’m standing there reading.

And I just felt fucking pretty.

That was it.

I Just Got to Be

And just in feeling pretty?

I was confident enough to stand there by myself.

And not have to, like, yell.

Or play with my phone.

Or fidget.

I just got to be.

And then I thought:

How often do we give ourselves the chance to do that?

How often do we say:

Hey.

I know that my mindset changes drastically when I wear this certain thing.

And it goes both ways.

If I put on a big baggy sweatshirt that’s ratted and torn?

You can almost guarantee I’m in the house for the day.

I’m not leaving my bed or my couch.

That is my mindset.

My mindset is written all over my clothes.

And yet?

We don’t give that enough credit.

We Dress Ourselves for How We Feel

We don’t dress ourselves for where we want to be.

Or what we want to feel.

We dress ourselves for how we feel.

And it makes sense, right?

Because, like, if I’m going to McDonald’s, I’m not wearing a prom dress.

But what if we did?

What if we felt so fancy that we’re just like:

You know?

I’m feeling like I should dress up to the nines.

Makeup.

High heels.

Nails done.

Hair done.

Jewelry.

Just go out and live my life.

If it makes you feel good?

Why not?

I’m Not Feeling Negative

And so as I sat here and I debated what my podcast journal was gonna be about today, I ran through all these emotions.

And for some reason?

I felt like it had to be a negative emotion.

But I’m not feeling negative.

I feel fucking pretty.

And it is not often at all that I think that I’m pretty.

But then there’s days like these where everything just goes together.

I have my flip-flops on.

My toes are out.

My nails are done.

My earrings are in.

Simple.

So simple.

Yet it changes my whole dynamic in mental health and feelings.

Mental Health Is a Domino Effect

And I think that’s how mental health works.

It’s a domino effect.

One small thing changes so many other things.

When we get upset or sad, we are known to hermit.

We curl up under blankets.

We hide in corners.

We darken the room.

We set the scene to wallow in our feelings.

Because when you’re sad, what’s your first thought?

Like:

Let’s go out and play in the sun.

It’s not.

It’s not natural.

But what if we gave it a chance?

Maybe It Starts With That One Item

No.

I’m not saying sunlight solves mental health at all.

And when people tell me that, I think it’s a joke.

Because literally?

That’s not how it works.

Yes.

Sunlight helps.

But if you can’t get yourself out of the mind space to even get out of the house, obviously that doesn’t help.

What I’m saying is maybe it starts with putting on that one item that you know makes you feel good.

Curling your hair that one way.

You’re not going anywhere?

Okay.

But you like your hair curled that way.

That aftershave you love to wear that makes you feel like a million bucks?

Like you can handle anything?

Put it on.

Put on the song that makes you feel like a Beyoncé.

A Taylor Swift.

Do the things that are going to help you bring out the things that you want to have.

I Wanted to Have a Good Day Today

I wanted to have a good day today.

I’m having an amazing day today.

I’m laughing.

I’m playing.

I’m singing.

I’m dancing.

All the things that I love to do?

I’m doing today.

Because I put on a dress.

Because I picked an outfit that represented what I was feeling.

Which was:

Just really happy.

I Went to Walmart and Starbucks

And so my day today has just been pleasant.

I don’t have a reason to complain.

I don’t have a reason to be upset.

Again, it doesn’t look like what everybody else expects it to look like.

I didn’t do anything special today.

I hardly count going to Walmart a trip out.

I could have had it delivered.

Instead, I said:

You know what?

No.

Let me go ahead and go to the store.

I really wanted my Starbucks today.

It was the one for my birthday.

So I said:

You know what?

That’s gonna be my outing as well.

I did two things.

And yet you would think that I’d gone out and ran a marathon.

And I met the president.

And I met the president.

I did these grandiose things.

I didn’t.

I went to Walmart and Starbucks.

Today, I Saw Me

I rolled my windows down.

I sang songs at the top of my lungs.

I danced.

I called friends.

I talked to friends.

I talked to my husband.

What usually keeps me in a corner is when I’m feeling like:

Nobody sees me.

Nobody hears me.

Nobody wants me.

Today?

I saw me.

I wanted me.

I heard me.

And it was enough.

What About the Positive Things?

Our mindsets are so fragile that the smallest of things—the smallest hint of things—changes how we act.

It could be an inflection of how someone speaks to you.

It could be a look that somebody gives.

I was infamous for that as a child.

If you looked at me like you did not like me?

I’d burst into tears.

And if you ask me why?

It was because:

That man looked at me mean.

That child doesn’t like me.

They don’t know you.

But they looked at me mean.

They don’t like me.

And it would break my heart.

Because I could read that on their face.

We are by nature able to pick up on things and say:

Ugh.

That’s gonna change the whole dynamic of that.

And then when you add mental health to that?

I think it gets even worse.

So if we know that?

If we know that the negative things could have such a big shift?

What about the positive things?

Today Was a Good Day

I like to think that I’m learning and I’m growing every day.

Sometimes when I progress, just linearly, and I shoot up.

And some days I’m just like:

Mm-mm.

Nope.

This day is not for me.

Today?

Today was a good day.

Sun’s shining bright.

It’s perfect weather outside.

I think it’s like 72 degrees today.

It’s a beautiful day.

Could I have gone for a walk?

Probably.

Am I going to?

Nope.

I think tonight I’m gonna treat myself to some Mexican food because it sounds amazing.

But when I feel happy, I’m more apt to do the things that I enjoy that bring me more happiness.

Weird how that works, right?

I Put on Perfume to Go to Walmart, Guys

When you’re in a good headspace, you do more things to keep you in a good headspace.

When you’re in a bad headspace?

You do things that keep you in a bad headspace.

How do we fix that?

How do we get ourselves out of that funk where we’re not keeping on with the things that keep us in a bad headspace?

Today?

I say:

Pick the dress.

I say:

Hey.

Maybe I go buy that lipstick.

Maybe I put on that perfume.

Put on perfume today to go to Walmart, guys.

My favorite perfume.

But it counts.

If it makes you feel good and it’s healthy?

Do it.

Do it for yourself.

Make it worthwhile.

Show up for you.

My Bite of Pie

So my bite of pie today?

I put on that dress.

And I didn’t fight with my earrings.

I’m not used to having nails, so putting my earrings in is weird.

And I usually give up.

But I did it today.

I got out of the house.

My parking spot was still available when I got back.

I was really excited about that.

It was little things that meant the world to me and my happiness.

My bite of pie today was doing the little things that make me happy.

And it started simply with choosing a dress that I like to wear.

So if you are feeling down?

If you’re feeling upset and mad and sad?

Explore those feelings.

Talk about them.

Process them.

And then even in processing them, say:

You know what?

I’m having a hard time.

Let me do something for myself that I know I’m gonna like.

That’s self-care.

That could be:

I put on the dress today.

I took a bath today.

I wrote my journal.

My bite of pie was that I showered.

Every little piece counts.

Every piece counts.

I need you to recognize that nobody’s gonna care about you more than you care about you.

And you know what?

That’s okay.

Because you’re worth caring about.

You are important.

You are someone.

You are loved fiercely.

So do something nice for yourself.

Do the nice thing.

No matter how small it seems.

No matter how unimportant it seems.

Do the small thing.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.