Dear Ambivalent Me: Is Current Me Going to Pay for It, or Is Future Me?
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Have you ever liked something, hated something, wanted something, didn’t want something all at the same time?
Like your brain can’t decide what to trust.
What not to trust.
What to do.
What not to do.
I feel like that is the very definition of my mental state.
Ambivalence.
I am always in a state of:
Does this make sense?
Does this work?
Mmm.
I like it.
But I don’t like it.
I Want Intimacy, but I Also Want to Be Left Alone
Today, when I was sitting here thinking about ambivalence, I decided to look up the word.
And I came across what they call an ambivalent attachment style.
And I read it and I was like:
My gosh.
That sounds like me.
I want intimacy.
But I also want to be left alone.
I want to be held.
But don’t touch me.
I want a relationship.
I love being independent.
How confusing is that?
How confusing is it to always want something and always not want it at the same time?
I feel like that is the story of my life.
I wanted to come to California.
I was afraid to leave Kansas.
I’m here in California.
Now that I’m here in California, parts of me want to run back to Kansas.
But I’m happy here in California.
It is just a cluster of:
What do I do next?
Do I Get Out of Bed? Do I Stay in Bed?
And so I am trying to figure it out day by day.
And it doesn’t always work the way I want it to.
Today, ambivalence was:
Do I get out of bed?
Do I stay in bed?
Well, what do I do if I get out of bed?
Well, I could go be productive.
Well, I don’t really want to go do anything though.
Well, I could talk to friends.
But I could just sleep.
And it was a back and forth and back and forth the entire time.
I had things I even needed to do today.
And it was:
I could always do that tomorrow.
You Could Have Waited
My friend talked me out of bed.
And I go and I take care of the things.
Just for the thing to be like:
You can take care of it later.
Well, that’s what I said.
I was planning on staying in bed today and taking care of it later.
So I guess what I’m saying is it’s always interesting to me because I feel like my ambivalence is usually told that it’s incorrect by humans.
But it is dignified by actions.
And what I mean by that is people will always tell you:
You have to pick a side.
You gotta be one or the other.
And today again, my best friend was like:
“Either you’re gonna go or you’re not gonna go.”
Fine.
I’ll go.
But I got there and then the situation itself said:
You could have waited.
Story of my epic life.
I Have a Really Black-or-White Way of Thinking
How do I get over being so in the middle?
And it’s not even in the middle, really.
Because I’ve got a really black-or-white way of thinking.
Because you’re either wrong or you’re right.
And I can have this argument with anybody all day long.
My stance on things is very wrong or right.
Now, with me being able to see that it’s wrong or right, I can also understand nuances.
Killing somebody is murder.
That’s how murder works.
In a war, if you kill somebody, is it murder?
Well, technically, yes.
You killed somebody.
Is it justified?
That’s the difference.
I can argue every little nuance all the time.
And the crazy part about it is that that’s what happens in my brain constantly.
I Overthink Everything All the Time
People think that I just kind of do things.
“Oh my gosh.”
“She’s just so wild.”
“She’s so free-spirited.”
“She just does what she wants when she wants to.”
I wish that were the case.
I overthink everything all the time.
It’s hot.
It’s cold.
It’s up.
It’s down.
Why is it up?
Well, if it’s up, how up is it?
Well, if it’s down, how down is it?
If it’s right, how right is it?
If it’s wrong, how wrong is it?
It is mentally exhausting to be in a position where you could see all the fractions of things and still can’t apply them to your life.
I Can Give You Advice All Day Long
If you ask me to give you advice, I can sit there and discuss advice with you all day long.
Hey.
The reason why we go to college after high school is because it’s really hard to go to college later on in life.
By the time you get to the point of later on in life, you’ve got bills and responsibilities.
And it makes going to school that much harder.
Logic.
What did I do?
I still haven’t finished school.
Because although I knew the logic behind it?
No.
Wasn’t gonna do it.
I can tell you:
“Hey.”
“You realize that this relationship is bad for you.”
“You recognize that he hurts you and he upsets you.”
“She lets you down.”
“She’s abusive emotionally, physically, mentally.”
“You should leave it.”
It wasn’t abusive to me.
I deserved it.
Like, how do you move through life when everything makes sense and doesn’t make sense at the same damn time?
If I Could Do That, We Wouldn’t Be Here
And until you are in that person’s shoes, until you can walk a day with this brain, you will never understand how complicated it is to make the simplest of decisions.
“Well, just get out of bed.”
“Well, just smile.”
“Well, just have good thoughts.”
If I could do that?
We wouldn’t be here.
If I could do that, I wouldn’t have mental health issues.
I wouldn’t need medication.
I wouldn’t need a therapist.
My journal would be boring.
My journal is never boring.
My journal is chock-full of:
What the hell am I doing?
Why the hell am I doing it?
Who the fuck am I doing it with?
Is It the Right Thing for Me or Somebody Else?
It is a constant back and forth of:
Am I doing the right thing?
Well, is it the right thing for me?
Or is it the right thing for somebody else?
The nuance of that too.
So yes.
This may be good for me.
But if it’s bad for others, isn’t that more important?
Isn’t it my job to make sure all the people around me are taken care of and happy and well?
No.
No.
Not me.
I deserve to not be that way.
I deserve to live in chaos so that I can take care of everybody else’s needs.
I Know It’s Not True
I know it’s not true.
Logically, I know that’s not how it works.
Mentally?
Well, you see.
Let me explain why this makes sense.
Because I wouldn’t want you to go through what I went through.
And so to avoid you going through what I went through, I’m going to give my all to make sure you don’t.
And ignore my own needs.
Signifying and guaranteeing that I’m still gonna go through the things that I’m telling you not to go through.
And that’s what I do.
I live my life for others.
My Need to Not Process Things in My Head Is So Strong
Again, I don’t think had my friend talked me out of it, I would have gotten out of bed today.
I would have still been laying in bed today.
He decided I should get up.
Voila.
Here I am.
And even as I got up and did the things I needed to do, I told him:
“I could have put this off.”
And his response was:
“Well, at least you got something to eat.”
Okay.
I could have ordered something.
My need to not process things in my head is so strong that it’s just easier sometimes to bury myself in the blankets and not think about it.
But where does that get me?
Nowhere at all.
Life Doesn’t Stop Because My Emotions Get Big
Not only does it not get me anywhere, but it gets me to the point where I feel like I have more issues and things to worry about.
Because now the things I didn’t get taken care of?
I’ve gotta worry about doing at the last minute.
Jobs.
Laundry.
Groceries.
All of it.
I have to figure it out.
So whether I’m ambivalent about getting out of bed or not?
There are still things waiting for me.
Life doesn’t stop because my emotions get big.
Life continues on regardless of how bad my day is.
Or how under pressure I am.
Stressed I am.
Mad I am.
Sad I am.
The day just keeps going.
If You Need the Day, Take the Day
And I’m a huge advocate of:
If you need the day?
Take the day.
Don’t let anybody convince you that it’s not okay to take care of your mental health.
But how often do I get to do that?
Does that mean if I need to take the month off, take the month off?
Well then who pays my bills?
Who takes care of my needs?
And there’s like this thin line.
How do I manage to take care of me while taking care of everything else?
Taking Care of Yourself Should Never Be a Question
And I think that is the issue I’ve had recently.
Because I want to do all the things.
I want to take care of myself.
I want to give myself the chance and the opportunity to be happy.
I deserve that.
I know that I deserve that.
But if my happiness is causing somebody else’s unhappiness?
That’s a problem, isn’t it?
No.
I’m not intentionally doing anything to hurt anybody.
No.
I’m not intentionally going out of my way to make sure they’re miserable.
I’m just doing what’s best for me.
But even in that, I could see where the issue would be.
That shouldn’t be an issue.
Taking care of yourself should never be a question of whether that’s okay or not.
And yet?
I often ask.
Should I?
I Was Nervous to Ask My Husband for a Favor
Today I reached out to my husband because I needed a favor.
And in calling him about the favor, I was nervous about it.
I was nervous to ask my husband for a favor.
And it’s not that he was going to get angry with me.
Or upset with me.
Or lash out at me.
It was just a:
Okay.
I’m asking you something that might not be what you want to do.
And so I asked.
And he was like:
“Okay.”
Well, I’m really sorry.
I’ll do this.
And I’ll do that.
And I’ll do this.
And I’ll do that.
“No.”
“It’s fine.”
“It’s okay.”
“Are you angry with me?”
“No.”
The mental gymnastics I go through in order to take care of myself and my needs is extreme.
It’s Not Just a Matter of “Just Do It”
Because it’s not that easy.
It’s not just a matter of:
Just do it.
It’s a matter of:
Do I deserve it?
Is it appropriate?
Is it okay?
What happens if I don’t do it?
What happens if I do do it?
What happens if I ask for help?
What happens if that person gives me that help?
What happens if that person uses their time and their life to do so?
What happens if I’m bothering that person to ask for help?
It’s not that simple.
So oftentimes instead of us asking, letting people know?
We suffer in silence.
We want the help.
We want someone to be there for us.
We can’t let anybody in to do that.
It’s a Walking Contradiction
It’s a walking contradiction.
And despite it being a walking contradiction?
It’s the life we live.
We wish we could change it.
I wish I could call up a friend and say:
“You know what?”
“I really want this pair of leggings instead of this other thing I told you I wanted for my birthday.”
But because I told you already what I want, I feel horrible about going back and changing it.
So I’m just not gonna say anything.
My friend asked me multiple times what I wanted for my birthday.
At any given time, I could say:
“This is what I want for my birthday.”
Instead, I said:
“Well, I’ve already said something.”
“I’m just gonna leave it alone.”
I don’t want to inconvenience him by him having to pick something different.
Not once was it an inconvenience for him.
He legit asked me what I wanted.
He’s encouraged me to tell him what I wanted.
My thought process was:
Well, I don’t want to bother him with that.
Whatever he gets is just fine.
Is Current Me Gonna Pay for It, or Is Future Me?
I am so good at being this contradiction in my head that it hurts me more than it helps me.
And I just think:
Well, I’m being thoughtful.
I’m being considerate.
I’m just weighing the pros and the cons.
What I’m really doing is prolonging the inevitable.
Either way?
I have to make a decision.
Is current me gonna pay for it?
Or is future me gonna pay for it?
And I think that’s what becomes the question.
Instead of ambivalence, it becomes:
Is current me gonna deal with this issue?
Or am I leaving this issue for future me?
And if I leave this issue for future me, how’s she gonna feel when she gets there?
Damn.
She could have taken care of that.
I’ve got a lot on my plate right now that she didn’t see coming.
And had she just taken care of what was right there on her plate at the moment?
I wouldn’t be drowning in this other thing.
My Bite of Pie
So my bite of pie today?
I got out of the house.
I walked out of my house and I got in my car.
And the first thing I said was:
“Fresh air feels nice.”
In which my friend laughed at me.
And then I took care of the things I needed to take care of.
And I treated myself to a vanilla shake.
Because I got out of the house today.
Which I needed to do.
And sometimes that’s what it looks like.
It’s a:
Hey.
You did the small thing.
But here’s a reward for it anyways.
So if you are struggling with making a decision?
If you sit by and think:
“Well, I can’t bother that person by reaching out.”
If you think:
“Well, they did ask me this, but I know that if I give the right answer that I actually want, that might make me uncomfortable.”
Take the chance.
Ask yourself:
Is current you gonna pay for it?
Or is future you gonna pay for it?
Either way?
It’s gonna happen.
Today is another page in the story.
It does not have to be perfect.
It just has to be written.
Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:
What was your bite of pie today?
Until tomorrow,
Love you loud.
