Dear Leery Me: I Know I Can Do It

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Have you ever been extra cautious about all the things that are happening?

Like you planned for it.

You know the plan is working.

And yet still?

You’re cautious.

Today I’m feeling a little bit afraid and skeptical and leery.

I am questioning everything and everybody.

And I’m not sure why.

Even That Seemed to Be Off

Today I tried to be a cheerleader for my husband.

I don’t think it really worked.

But I was trying.

He isn’t having the best time right now with his business.

It’s been a rough last couple of days.

But I see that he’s trying.

And I know that it’s important to him.

So I do my best to cheer him on.

But even that seemed to be off.

And then I talked to Boyfriend today.

And things seemed fine there.

But naturally, I question everything.

So...

I don’t know.

It’s gotta be some nefarious intent.

Something.

Anything but that he’s just been the same friend that I’ve always had.

I talked to my best friend today.

And again?

Normal conversation.

No qualms.

But I still felt off.

I’m Leery That I’m Being Replaced

I don’t question most of those people.

I don’t question their actions toward me.

Or their feelings toward me.

But yet I’m leery of something.

I’m leery that I’m being replaced.

That I’m easily replaceable with my husband.

So he will just forget about me.

He doesn’t see me.

He can’t touch me.

Therefore, I’m no longer important.

With Boyfriend, I feel like because of all the shit he’s had to go through dealing with me, now that I’m here, he’s worried it’s going to be too much.

And so therefore?

I’m leery of that.

With my best friends, I don’t want to interrupt their lives.

They’ve got their own things going on.

And I feel like I am just this ball of stress that nobody needs to deal with.

Granted?

Neither of them have communicated that to me.

Quite the opposite.

They both show up.

They both listen to me.

They both talk me through it.

They’re very supportive.

Both of them have even said that I look happier.

I seem happier.

And I guess the part that makes me leery is that although I’m here and I am happy...

Then why do I feel so sad?

Being Happy Isn’t the Absence of Sadness

I was talking through it with Boyfriend today.

And I pointed out that being happy isn’t the absence of sadness.

Both feelings could be there at the same time.

I just don’t know how to mentally balance the two of them.

For me?

It’s one or the other.

I am happy that I’m here.

And that I’m with family.

And that I’m with friends.

And I’m rekindling relationships.

But I’m sad that I’m not near the other relationships that mean so much to me.

What I wouldn’t give to pick up the phone and be like:

“Hey, let’s go get coffee.”

Or:

“Okay, rub my feet.”

I’ve Got a Friend Who Loves Feet

I’ve got a friend who loves feet.

He’s got a foot fetish.

He won’t admit to it.

But what I wouldn’t give to have those relationships close to me.

And I can’t.

Like, I can’t pick up and move the people that I want to be in my circle to be right next to me.

In a perfect world?

We’d live in a compound.

And I’d be able to go visit everybody for everything all the time.

I could pop over when I need a dose of the baby and my bestie and her toddler—who’s not a toddler, school-aged child—who’s super sassy.

I could pop in and hang out with them when we both need it.

Or I could go bug my other friend when he needs a pick-me-up.

When he needs to have someone go get Mexican food with him.

Or remind him that it’s okay to be who you are.

It’d be nice to have Boyfriend over on the corner so that when I need to talk to somebody and talk through the nonsense going on in my head, I can go over and say:

“Hey.”

“This is what’s going on.”

“Help me figure it out.”

It’d be great to have access to my dad whenever I need to see him and smile.

Unfortunately, Life Isn’t Set Up That Way

But unfortunately?

Life isn’t set up that way.

Life is set up to grow older and be independent and to learn how to take care of yourself.

And that oftentimes doesn’t put us next door to those people that we care most about.

And for some of the people who are like me, we easily convince ourselves that that must mean that we’re not that important.

And we’re replaceable.

And I think that’s where I’ve been the last couple of days.

It’s Just Me Sitting in a Room All Day

I’ve had so much time to just sit and think.

My job hasn’t started yet.

My start date keeps getting pushed back.

There’s a lag in the process for fingerprints right now out of Ground Control.

They’ve been sent off.

It’s just the system.

And so while I wait for that to all come back and be pushed through—which it will—I’m not worried about that.

I’m just in this waiting game.

I’m not working.

My friends are all working during the day.

So it’s not like I can just go hang out with them.

It’s just me sitting in a room all day.

And while yes, there are things that I could work on...

Lots of things I could work on.

I find myself slipping back into that easy spot where all I do is sleep and I don’t do anything.

And it’s not like my typical depression.

It’s not the typical:

“My gosh.”

“My world is ending.”

It’s just:

What am I doing?

Why am I doing it?

Is it going to work?

What Happens if This Takes Too Long?

Today I reached out to my job.

And I was really anxious about everything going on.

And I said:

“Hey.”

“What happens if this takes too long?”

“Like, do I get replaced?”

“Do they find somebody else?”

And they’re like:

“No, no, no.”

“We’ve got a contract in place.”

“Like, your job is so solid.”

“You just have to wait for the results to come in and then be done.”

Usually they can use the results from the staffing agency themselves.

But this particular school district has to have their own.

So while we have one set of fingerprint information back and we know that it’s clear, we’re still waiting for the school’s.

And so that was my concern.

Like:

What if I moved all the way out here and I don’t actually have a job?

Mind you.

I’ve had three job offers.

When I Panic, I Apply for More Jobs

And so what do I do?

When I panic?

I apply for more jobs.

Rather than wait to see what happens.

Because I’ve got bills.

And I’ve got things I need to take care of.

And the idea of just sitting back and waiting?

The idea of hoping things happen?

Isn’t how I function.

I’m a planner.

I have to have things detailed out.

How they’re gonna work.

From the meals that I’m eating.

So I’m talking about going back to the gym.

And then going back to the gym, I had figured out what I’m eating every day.

The water that I need to drink.

When I’m going.

How I’m going.

And I’m starting to figure out what the workout plan looks like before I go.

I have to have that for my brain to function.

So the fact that I’m sitting here in limbo makes me leery of everything.

Are They Wanting Me to Not Get This Job and Come Right Back?

And then it’s the questioning of, again, my friends.

So are they wanting me to not get this job and come right back?

Are they hoping that that’s what happens?

Are they still supportive and then like:

“Stay out there.”

“You’ll figure it out.”

“You can do it.”

I don’t know.

I just know that things are in an interesting place right now.

I Don’t Want to Run Back Home Because I Was Scared

I don’t wanna go back home.

I don’t want to run back home because I was scared.

I don’t want to be in relationships because I was too afraid to fly.

And I feel like that’s what would happen if I went back.

That I’m so convinced that I can’t do things on my own that I will give up far too quickly.

I can do it.

I know I can do it.

I just have to let myself have the chance.

But I’m so skeptical about how it all works out.

I’m so skeptical about what I can put into place to make sure everything is perfect.

And sometimes life is just not perfect.

Sometimes you have to just go with the flow.

And it’s hard.

I Build Systems for My Systems

I suffer from bipolar and OCD and anxiety.

And the idea of just going with the flow is scary.

It is difficult to have those diagnoses together and say:

“Yeah.”

“I’m just gonna see what happens.”

“I’m just going to relax and let life go.”

No.

Absolutely not.

I build systems for my systems.

I check things.

Sometimes I am Santa Claus.

I have a list.

I check it twice.

Three times.

Four times.

I have to make sure that it’s perfect by my standards.

Which I recognize is generally much more specific than other standards.

And that’s fine.

You have your standards.

I have mine.

And while I’ve talked about it in therapy:

Does that make them wrong?

Yes.

Why can’t people have different standards?

They can.

You’re absolutely entitled to your own standards and your own thought process and how you do things.

Mine’s just the right way.

And I have to do it that way for me.

That’s how it works.

How Do I Do All the Things While Doing Nothing at All?

And so I’m sitting here and I’m trying to figure out how to do all the things while doing nothing at all.

What do I focus on?

Myself.

But how do I focus on myself?

Do I sit here and relax, knowing that when I do start working, I hit the ground running and there’s no break?

Do I take the time to go visit my family because I’m in limbo and I can’t start work anyways?

Do I just enjoy my peace?

And what does that look like?

What Does It Look Like to Enjoy Your Peace?

What does it look like to enjoy your peace and not be leery that something bad’s gonna happen?

How do you live life without assuming that everything is gonna go wrong?

Everything’s gonna fail?

And everyone’s gonna let you down?

That’s the world I live in mentally.

Where I’m ultra-cautious of what’s gonna happen next.

And I can’t plan for it.

So I am just living the life.

I’m not unhappy.

I’m not angry.

I’m not mad.

I am leery at best.

I’m scared.

I’m anxious.

I’m worried.

But I’m also excited.

And I’m happy to have this opportunity.

My Fallback Plan to Everything Is Apply for Jobs

And while my fallback plan to everything is:

Apply for jobs.

I mean...

It’s an option.

I did that tonight.

I mass-applied for jobs and then got a dopamine hit back when someone asked me for an interview.

And I set up the interview.

With the idea that at least if I can’t start the job that I’m here for, unfortunately, I’ll have to start something else.

I still have things I need to take care of.

I can’t just sit back and wait forever.

Life goes on.

Sometimes We Do Things in Spite of Being Leery

Sometimes we do things in spite of being leery.

We trust people.

We give them that chance.

Regardless of how skeptical we may be.

Sometimes it works out.

And unfortunately?

There are times that it doesn’t.

That doesn’t mean giving up on trying.

And so today?

I am learning that I cannot give up on trying.

That just because I’m feeling, as my husband would say, some kind of way, doesn’t mean I have to stop going.

It does mean that maybe I don’t move at quite the pace that I want to.

That I’m more aware of what I’m saying and what I’m doing when I’m interacting with people.

And I’m taking the time to communicate what I’m seeing and what I’m feeling when they interact with me.

Because they don’t know what I feel or think without me telling them.

My Bite of Pie

So today my bite of pie?

I slept in.

It was beautiful.

I talked to Boyfriend.

I talked to my husband.

I talked to my kiddo.

And I’m hoping to talk to another kiddo tonight.

I had the yummiest meal.

Which I probably should eat again.

I recognize that.

And I just sat with my feelings.

I didn’t let them overrun me.

I said that I was leery.

And said:

Okay.

But what?

I questioned it versus just running with it.

And sometimes that’s really hard to do.

I know that.

That’s life, right?

Sometimes things are really hard to do.

Sometimes we acknowledge things are bad.

But they’re not actually bad.

They’re just different.

So if you’re out there and you’re feeling leery about everything and everyone you come in contact with?

You are not alone.

We can be leery together.

I can be leery of the people that I’m working with.

You can be leery of the people you’re working with.

Heck.

If need be, we can be leery of each other.

But we still keep going.

We still keep trying.

We still keep putting ourselves out there until something actually happens that makes us stop.

That’s how life works.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.