Dear Jittery Me: I Should Have Done What's Best for Me, and I Did Just That

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How do you handle being nervous about something that you probably shouldn't be nervous about?

Like, how do you plan around being over-anxious about something that you know you shouldn't be anxious about?

Guys.

It finally happened.

I have a start date for my job.

I start tomorrow.

At a different school than I was expecting.

And I think somehow that has made me more jittery than before.

Because while I thought I knew what to expect?

Now I don't.

So Many Unknowns

Still the same job.

Still working with a child.

Still a behavior technician.

But so many unknowns.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to be at work at 8:15.

That's when I'm gonna get my schedule.

And I'm worried about what to wear.

What time to leave my house.

Who I'm gonna meet.

If they're gonna like me.

If the kid's gonna like me.

It's all running through my head.

Which is interesting.

Because in all the years I've been working?

It's very rare that I work with people I don't like.

And when I say rare?

I mean I usually get along with most people.

It's just who I am.

I laugh.

I play.

I get along nicely.

Every once in a while?

There's the person who just wants to be difficult.

I have no control over that.

But for the most part?

I've never met a person I couldn't be friends with.

So Why Am I So Nervous?

What do I think is gonna happen?

My theory?

I'm gonna walk in.

The kid's gonna hate me.

Because the kid hates me?

I'm not gonna be able to do my job correctly.

Then I'm gonna get fired.

Then I won't be able to pay my bills.

Then I won't be able to pay rent.

Then I'm gonna have to figure out somewhere to live.

Or get back home.

And it's all gonna fail.

Because heaven forbid?

It'd just be one thing at a time.

Hey.

Let's just see how tomorrow goes.

I Played It Low and Slow

Today?

Because I knew I was jittery already?

I played it low and slow.

I sat in bed.

Talked to friends.

Talked to my spouse.

Did some things on the internet.

More of that to come.

Did some laundry.

I just had a slow day.

Because I knew overexerting myself?

Would just cause me more problems.

I even have plans to eat something I generally like for dinner.

Mexican food.

Because that is my comfort food.

Then I'm going to bed early.

Or at least?

I'm going to attempt to go to bed early.

I Can't Plan for the Nerves

Even with all that?

I can't plan for the nerves that are gonna keep me up tonight.

Or the nerves I'm gonna have driving to work tomorrow.

I just kind of have to sit in it.

And I think that's the worst part about dealing with any sort of emotion or mental health.

It's not that the feelings themselves are bad.

I can handle being upset.

I can handle being scared.

I can handle being nervous.

It's having to sit in the nervousness.

Sit in the sadness.

Sit in the anger.

The hurt.

That's what bothers me.

Because as I sit in it?

I create all sorts of things that don't need to exist.

See That Stretch?

I'm nervous about a kid not liking me tomorrow.

And I liken that to:

Getting fired.

Not being able to pay my bills.

Not having a way back home.

See that stretch?

I don't know if I'm more afraid to fail or succeed.

Let's say tomorrow goes really great.

I make all the friends.

The kid adores me.

I do my job well.

They want me to stay.

What do I do?

Do I stay?

Do I go?

I have a whole family back home.

Friends back home.

And I'm nervous about all the decisions that I don't need to make right now.

I Hyperfocus

That's how that works.

I hyperfocus.

It's really interesting because in my field?

It's known for children to hyperfocus on one thing.

It's part of the diagnosis.

They like what they like.

They cling to what they like.

That's their comfort thing.

They attach to it.

And I think that's one of the reasons I do my job so well.

I can relate to the idea of finding something to get attached to?

To make life easier.

I'm Taking My Pens

So I'm hoping tomorrow?

I get up at a decent time.

Treat myself to Starbucks.

Probably not my favorite drink.

Because the last thing I need is to show up with my throat closing.

But something similar.

Take deep breaths.

I'm planning on going early.

So I can sit in my car and freak out longer.

Gather my stuff together.

I am going to work.

And I have no idea what to pack.

For me?

My comfort item is pens.

I know I'm taking pens with me.

I know I will not need a bag full of pens.

But I will have a bag full of pens.

Because while some kids have their fidget spinners?

Chewies?

Ropes?

Me?

I depend on my pens.

So they are most definitely coming with me.

I'd Rather Worry About That

Then I will stress about someone trying to touch them.

Use them.

Take them from me.

But I'd rather worry about that?

Than not have my safety item nearby.

To click.

Play with.

Soothe me.

The thing about having big feelings?

Is learning how to navigate big feelings.

And that can be a hard process in and of itself.

Slowly but surely?

I'm learning what sets those feelings off.

And how to soothe them.

Let's Not Avoid My Feelings

I'm jittery today.

Okay.

Great.

So maybe I lay low.

Instead of doing all the things I wanted to do.

I wanted to write.

I wanted to visit my parents.

I wanted to hang out.

Let's not avoid my feelings.

Let's just say:

Hey.

Let's productively handle them.

And so I did.

That's how I plan on handling tomorrow too.

Kids Are Cruel

Right now?

It's planning what to wear.

I'm working at a middle school, guys.

Kids are cruel.

So I have no idea what I'm going to wear.

My go-to?

Leggings.

Long top.

Easiest.

But kids are mean to adults and kids alike.

So I'm prepared for whatever happens.

I thought about wearing a dress.

Because first impressions matter.

But also?

I don't know how my kiddo's gonna be.

I don't really wanna chase a kid down in a dress.

All the Things I Don't Need to Worry About

That's just it.

All the things I don't need to worry about?

Are floating around in my head.

They're telling me they're important.

That I have to decide on them.

Then I need a plan.

Then I need a backup plan.

In case those plans fail.

It's never-ending.

Yes.

We could practice grounding skills.

Stop.

Take deep breaths.

And that works for a little while.

I can reset myself every few moments doing that.

But overall?

I need something that says:

Hey.

Your nervous system needs to just relax.

Let's Go to the Gym in the Morning

My thought was:

Hey.

Let's go to the gym in the morning.

You are already panicked about your day?

You're gonna add more to it.

That is right up my alley.

How many times have you done that?

How many times have you said:

I've got this thing stressing me out.

Bothering me.

So let me add all the other things on this exact same day that'll make it worse.

I am infamous for that.

If I'm Busy Enough, I Don't Have to Process

I do that with the intent that if I'm overly busy?

I don't have time to process what's going on.

And in a way?

It works.

Because if you're over-consumed by everything you're doing?

You don't have time to process.

But also?

You don't have time to do anything.

You can't stop.

You can't think.

You can't eat.

Because you've planned your day so tightly?

Just so you can avoid feeling.

The Feelings Just Pile Up

If we're being realistic?

The feelings don't stop because we're busy.

They just pile up.

Like a traffic jam.

So when you finally stop?

You have this whole line of cars just kind of crashed into each other.

Now you have to deal with all of them at once.

Versus maybe that one car?

That was just driving too slowly because the wheel was coming off.

I don't know how to do that.

I don't know how to master the art of handling one thing at a time.

I Should Have 15 Jobs

I think:

My gosh.

I have free time.

The best way to handle this free time?

Load it up with all the things.

I should have 15 jobs.

All these friends I want to talk to.

All these people I wanna help.

Then I should start a business.

Read a book.

Do a song.

I don't like to give myself time to be me.

And I think that's been the biggest thing I've learned in the last three weeks.

Sitting here in this room.

Writing in my journal.

I Don't Know How to Be With Me

I don't know how to be with me.

I don't know how to handle the idea of living with my thoughts.

Living with myself.

By myself.

I was worried doing that meant I would instantly spiral.

End up in a hospital.

Guys?

I haven't done that.

Have there been rough days?

Absolutely.

We've talked about them.

I show you whenever they happen.

But I've handled them.

And I've handled them much better than I thought I would.

I'm Putting in the Work

I'm putting in the work.

I've put in the work.

I'm still putting in the work.

Today I signed up for my insurance.

And I know that with signing up for insurance?

I get to go back to therapy.

And I am a whole bunch of feelings when it comes to that.

I know it's necessary.

I know it's important.

I know it's helpful.

But I'm really sad about what happened with me and my last therapist.

And I'm finding it hard to trust somebody.

To talk to them about everything that's going on.

Because of how that ended.

You Can Know You Need Something and Still Not Want It

It's interesting.

How you can know you need something?

And still not want to use it.

I know I'm gonna have to make a med appointment.

I'm on meds.

I'll probably be on meds for the rest of my life.

And I hate it.

With a burning passion.

I don't like feeling like I have to take medicine to be normal.

And I recognize people are gonna say:

No, no, no.

That's not what that means.

I have a chemical imbalance in my head.

I literally take medicine to be normal.

I Want to Be Me

I don't like it.

I want to be me.

And the pills make me not me.

They make me a better me.

Theoretically.

But they make me not me.

And all I desire to be?

Is me.

So now I have to open up old wounds.

Tell a therapist all the things I've been working on.

That I haven't actually been working on.

Coping skills.

DBT skills.

All the things they're gonna say:

You should use.

And I'm gonna be like:

Yeah.

I know.

It's Easier to Avoid It

But it's easier to avoid it.

And lately?

Friends and family have been asking if maybe I have more things going on with me than we've acknowledged.

People are wondering if I'm ADHD.

Whether I'm partly autistic myself.

Everybody's like:

You should get tested.

You should find out.

You should check.

Why don't you want to?

There's nothing wrong with it.

And I know that.

It's Not the Diagnosis I'm Worried About

I know there's nothing wrong with being diagnosed with anything.

It's not the diagnosis that I'm worried about.

It's the result.

The:

Okay.

You have this.

Let's medicate you some more.

No.

I don't want to.

I don't want to be put into anybody's box more than I have to.

And as a society?

We do just that.

We box people.

Over.

And over.

And over again.

I Don't Need Any More Labels

Well, you're bipolar.

You must do this.

You're OCD.

So you must do this.

We know that's true.

Because how many times have you heard someone say:

The weather's being bipolar.

Because it was hot earlier and cold now?

That's a box I don't want to live in.

And again?

The boxes we're put in?

They're never positive.

Because having a mental illness can never be a positive thing.

She's overly anal because she's OCD.

She can't go out and do anything because she's super anxious.

I don't need any more labels.

I Can't Just Be Jamesha

I don't need any more people deciding who I am because of my diagnosis.

And I think that's what worries me most of all.

Because like we talked about yesterday?

We can't just be.

I can't just be Jamesha.

At the end of the day?

Somebody wants to tell me what I am.

Who I am.

How I am.

And I hate it.

I'm enough to deal with on my own.

I don't need you to give me more to deal with.

Well, I Knew You Were That

And yet?

The minute I take the time to go find out what's really going on with me?

That's exactly what's gonna happen.

"Well yeah, I knew you were that."

"Yeah, well, I've always seen that."

What makes looking at me obvious?

That I'm whatever you think I am?

And what exactly does that mean?

Because at the end of the day?

I'm still bending over backwards to please you.

Slap Another Label on Me

It doesn't matter.

You can acknowledge that I'm still trying my hardest to win your praise.

Your acknowledgement.

Your favor.

And despite trying my hardest?

Despite you seeing me give it my all?

It still doesn't appear to be good enough.

But hey.

Slap another label on me.

That'll explain why.

It's tough.

It's tough for me.

I don't know how everybody else handles it.

I just know for me?

There's a lot of discomfort in learning more about myself than I want to know.

In regards to diagnosis.

I Love Learning That I Can Handle More Than I Thought

I've thoroughly enjoyed writing in my journal.

Learning that I can handle more than I thought I could.

I love knowing:

Hey.

While I learned this about myself?

And I thought this originally?

Today I'm learning maybe that's not as true as I thought it was.

But the idea of being diagnosed with something else?

It makes me really sad.

The day I was diagnosed with all the things?

I cried hard.

Bawled like a baby.

Something Was Wrong With Me

I was so unhappy with the fact that something was wrong with me.

Because in our world?

The minute you have mental illnesses?

That's what's decided.

Something's wrong with you.

We've finally learned to say:

People aren't autistic.

They have autism.

You're someone with autism.

You're not autistic.

You have a thing.

That doesn't make you a thing.

There's So Much Judgment

And even still?

Look at the looks people give when a child is sitting in a restaurant screaming because they don't know how to regulate their emotion.

Or when a child is running off.

You're looking at the parent like:

Ugh.

Control your kid.

There's so much judgment.

Somehow?

Doing what suits your needs?

Even in a safe way?

A kid running around the store?

It's not gonna kill you.

But the look you're giving that mom?

Not knowing what she's going through?

That will.

I Thought I Was Doing Pretty Good Today

The judgment she has to live with when she goes home?

Simply because her child has needs that have to be met in a different way than yours?

That's gonna kill her.

Me knowing that at the end of the day your thought process is gonna be:

You should go see a therapist.

I thought I was doing pretty good today.

I thought I was handling things to the best of my ability.

I thought it was a good day.

Kills me.

We Make It Harder to Get Better

I just think we make things a lot harder to get better.

We want people to go out and get the help they need.

We want them to have these hard conversations.

We want them to open up.

Trust.

But the minute they start to do that?

We're quick to judge them for it.

Condemn them for it.

Make everything they do an excuse to who they are.

Well, you do that because you have a mental illness.

I am not my mental illness.

Jittery Is a Component of Me

Yes.

Today I sit here jittery.

Nervous.

I recognize that I'm jittery and nervous.

And I always am when I start a job.

That's a component of me.

That's not who I am.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I recognized:

Hey.

I have some big things going on.

My nervous system is saying:

It's a lot right now.

How are we gonna deal with it?

And instead of adding more to my plate?

I said:

Hmm.

Let's do something different.

Let's find another way to handle that.

And it's been a really good day.

Have the nerves dissipated?

No.

But they've lessened.

And I was able to laugh.

Joke.

That's a good day.

I'm sure somebody's gonna see this and say:

Well.

You didn't handle that the best way you could.

You should have just gone out and done—

No.

I should have done what's best for me.

And I did just that.

I took care of me.

Because sometimes?

That's all I can do.

If you're having these emotions?

And you don't know how to deal with them in the way everybody expects you to?

Find the thing that works.

Listen to your body.

Listen to your brain.

Listen to your inner thought that says:

Maybe we should handle this in a different way.

And then do it.

To the best of your ability.

I don't expect perfection.

I just expect you to try.

Just like I am.

Because that's all we can do at the end of the day.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.