Dear Protective Me: I Have to Find a New Way to Protect Me

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Have you ever had things in place to soothe yourself when things are getting hard?

I'm not talking about necessarily using coping skills or self-harm.

Maybe it's something that you know is odd.

But somehow?

It still helps.

I Go Back Into This Singular Memory Block

For me?

Whenever I get really upset?

Whenever I feel really sad?

I go back into this singular memory block.

It goes back into a time where I felt the most loved.

Wanted.

Prioritized.

Appreciated.

And it instantly relaxes everything about me.

I smile.

My muscles stop being tense.

My heart relaxes.

It's like I can picture the time period so perfectly.

Last Night Was Extremely Hard for Me

Last night was extremely hard.

I did my podcast.

Then I had another conversation with my husband.

And for me?

It went poorly.

I got off the phone and decided to call a friend.

Because I knew the headspace I was in was not conducive to me just being safe.

So I called him.

And I was just word-vomiting everything.

Because I felt like I was going completely and utterly insane.

Hey.

This is what I heard.

This is what I said.

This is what he said.

What am I misunderstanding?

Where did I go wrong?

I Felt Like I Was Losing My Mind

It wasn't even so much that I went wrong somewhere.

I just felt like in the midst of all of it?

I was going crazy.

That often happens.

You have a conversation with somebody.

You know what you're talking about.

You know where it's going.

You know where it's leading.

You have a perfectly good understanding of what's going on.

And yet somehow?

They've convinced you that you don't.

Last night?

That's what it felt like.

What do you mean that's not what was said?

What do you mean that's not what I heard?

What do you mean that's not the situation?

And in the end?

He realized maybe he had taken it the wrong way.

That indeed was what I heard.

And it was correct.

But man.

The whirlwind I went through.

I felt like I was losing my mind.

I Had This Feeling of Not Belonging

So I call this friend.

I'm talking to him.

And I'm just spent.

Worked up.

Upset.

Frustrated.

I have this feeling of not belonging.

And I talk to him about it.

He calms me down enough so I can go to bed.

And I do.

But I don't go to bed in the typical way.

The:

Just lay down.

Exhaust yourself.

Sleep.

I Imagine Someone Is There With Me

I go to bed in the sense that I imagine someone's there with me.

I imagine that I'm being held.

I imagine that someone's loving on me.

I imagine that I'm safe.

And I recognize that person is no longer there.

That person who makes me feel that way no longer inhabits that spot in my life.

But something about that memory?

By itself?

Calms me down.

So last night?

I went to bed with this image of this person from my past holding me.

Loving me.

Which is great, right?

Sometimes we just need that.

Sometimes we need just a shock to the system that says:

Hey.

Things are okay.

You're fine.

You can work through this.

All I Wanted Was to Stay There

I went to bed.

And I woke up this morning.

And I recognized that the headspace had evolved.

Because now?

All I wanted to do was lay in bed with this person who isn't there.

I know he's not there.

I know it's all a figment of my imagination.

And yet?

It is so soothing to my soul.

He's there.

He's holding my hand.

He's holding me.

He's kissing me on my forehead.

He's telling me that I am loved.

That I'm okay.

It's Something I Conjure Up When My Emotions Become Too Big

It's not that I don't know he's not really here.

I can process that he's not really here.

It's not a hallucination.

It's not an imaginary friend.

It's something conjured up when my emotions become so big?

And I need to feel safe.

This morning I was in bed.

Imagining him just being there.

Encompassing me.

Arms wrapped around me.

So I could calm down.

So I could get to a place where I could remember what being happy feels like.

My Peace Was Being Interrupted by Life

Then a friend messages me.

Same person who messages me every morning.

Same person who checks on me every day.

Same conversation.

Good morning.

How are you?

And I'm responding.

But I'm annoyed that I'm getting these messages.

Because it's interrupting my peace.

In my mind?

I'm still in this very safe place.

It's just me.

The happy memories.

And they're being interrupted by life.

By life.

And it's supposed to happen.

Right?

That's reality.

Things are happening in the world.

I have to get up.

I have to do things.

I have to take care of things.

I'm not in a position to just lay in bed all day long.

It's not that I need to.

It's that I want to.

I Needed to Remember What That Felt Like

I needed to remember what it felt like to have a love so pure.

A love that was in tune to what I was needing.

In tune to what I was feeling.

And I got upset with this friend.

I said things.

Not mean things.

But things in my feelings that I normally wouldn't have said.

He's asking me how I'm doing.

What I'm feeling.

And I'm answering the question.

I'm being honest.

Honestly?

I'm not even sure why I'm talking to you.

I didn't want to talk to anybody today.

I had a whole plan.

My plan was to sit in my room.

In my bed.

In the dark.

And just enjoy my peace of mind to the best of my ability.

We All Have Expectations That Don't Get Met

And he was like:

"Well, I always want to know how you feel. I always want to know what's going on. I expect you to tell me."

And my response was:

Well.

We all have expectations, right?

That don't get met.

Again.

Yesterday we talked about me feeling like I'm just an option.

You don't even have time for me because you're so busy during your life.

But yet your expectation?

Is that I check in with you.

Tell you what I'm thinking.

What I'm feeling.

How I'm doing.

If You Want to Be a Part of My Life, Be a Part of My Life

I'm not an option.

Right?

If you want to be a part of my life?

If you want to know those intricacies of my life?

Be a part of my life.

Or else?

Don't.

I'm getting upset.

I'm getting frustrated.

Because it's just:

Look.

I'm not your responsibility.

I'm not your job.

You don't have to worry about me.

I can take care of myself.

And then he does that:

"Have you eaten today?"

"Do you plan on eating?"

No.

I don't plan on eating.

I plan on being in this bed.

All day long.

Maybe You Should Talk to a Therapist

"Well, maybe you should talk to a therapist."

Okay.

There is nothing worse than implying that I cannot process what's going on than to tell me that all of a sudden my mental health needs to be checked in somewhere.

Because again?

It wasn't that I was having a breakdown.

It was just that I was experiencing a piece that I remembered from long ago.

Let me explain it differently.

Your Dad's in the Hospital. We're Going.

I dated this guy way back when.

We had gone to the snow to play in the snow.

It was me.

Him.

And the kids.

While we were playing in the snow?

I got a phone call.

The phone call said my dad was in the hospital.

And the guy was just like:

"All right. Let's pack up. Get in the car. We're going to the hospital."

Her dad's in the hospital.

We're going.

And we did.

We drove to the hospital.

I went in.

Checked on my dad.

It was hard.

Difficult for me.

I'm Daddy's girl.

It messes with me every time.

I visited my dad.

Then we went home.

You Needed Me Here

The next day?

The girls had school.

He worked in the city.

So he gets up.

He leaves.

Goes to the city.

I get up.

Take care of the kids.

That was the relationship we had.

Except I woke up?

And he was still at home.

He wasn't supposed to still be at home.

So I asked:

What are you doing?

Why are you here?

Don't you have work?

And he looked at me and said:

"I called in today."

Why would you call in?

I don't understand.

"You needed me here."

"Your dad's in the hospital."

"I wasn't going to leave you while your dad's in the hospital."

I Didn't Have to Ask Him to Show Up

He told me:

"I'm taking the girls to school today."

"After I drop them off, I'm going to come back."

"We're gonna go visit your dad."

And we did just that.

It was that simple.

I'm called in today.

I'm staying here with you.

Because I know you're going through something.

I know it's big.

You don't have to ask me to show up.

You don't have to beg me to show up.

I'm just going to do so on my own accord.

And I loved it.

I felt it.

And I wanted more of that.

That's Where I Go When I Need to Protect Myself

When I get overwhelmed with my emotions?

I know how to protect myself.

I go back to the one time that I felt like I was a priority.

That I was loved.

That I was cared for.

I wasn't just an option.

I was someone that he wanted.

And he made sure to tell me that I was someone he wanted in every way possible.

Words.

Actions.

The way that it really matters.

Lots of times?

We have people tell us:

"I love you."

"I care about you."

"You mean a lot to me."

And then we sit back and say:

Show me.

Don't Just Tell Me. Show Up and Show Me.

Don't just tell me.

Show up and show me.

And it's so hard for people to comprehend what that means.

What that looks like.

For me?

It looked like:

"I called in."

"Your dad's in the hospital."

But I didn't ask you to.

"You didn't have to ask."

"Your family is important to you."

"You are important to me."

"Therefore, here we are."

That's nice.

I don't know what that's like.

That's an odd feeling for me.

I Was Trying to Protect My Peace

Today?

I was trying to protect my peace.

And I'm going off on this friend.

I'm like:

Look.

I'm done.

I don't need you.

And I delete the messages.

I delete the way I communicate with him.

And I settle.

I relax again.

Because I'm back in the world that I've created.

But even as I'm sitting in that world?

The fog starts lifting.

And I realize:

Okay.

I may have overreacted.

My First Reaction Was to Run Away

So I reach back out to my friend.

Hey.

I recognize I overreacted.

I'm sorry.

Here's what's going on.

I feel so caught up in not being a priority.

Not feeling loved.

Not being wanted.

Not being chosen.

I just feel broken.

I wanted someone to choose me.

And I feel like they did not choose me.

And I'm struggling with that.

So my first reaction?

Was to run away.

And the easiest place to run away?

Is my mind.

I'm Going to Protect Me the Best Way I Know How

I'm going to protect me the best way I know how.

Run away in my mind.

Do I get to physically pack up my stuff and leave?

No.

I can't.

But do I get to be where I want to be in this room?

Yes.

And I did just that.

I told him:

I just kind of want to disappear.

Not in a hurt-myself kind of way.

In a:

I just need to go somewhere where nobody knows me.

I can't hurt people who don't know me.

Right?

What Happens If You Go Off the Grid?

And he is speaking his words of wisdom like he usually is.

You've got to let a couple people know who you are.

Where you are.

Because there are people who are gonna want to know what's going on.

But even worse?

What happens if you go off the grid?

And heaven forbid?

Someone in your life that's important to you should no longer exist.

How are you going to feel when you come back from being off the grid?

And find out they're gone?

And you didn't know about it?

If It's My Dad, It's Going to Be Really Rough

I said:

Well.

If it's my dad?

It's gonna be really rough.

And his response was:

"Well, I didn't want to say that."

"But that's exactly who I was talking about."

Because I know you.

I know that if it was your dad?

You would never forgive yourself that you weren't aware of what was happening.

And that?

Changes perspective for me.

I Can Only Protect Myself So Much

Because I can protect myself in this little bubble in my room.

But going somewhere where nobody knows me?

Nobody can reach me?

That's a completely different ballgame.

I can only protect myself so much.

We talk about disappearing.

We talk about going off the grid.

And I don't think we ever talk about the consequences of those actions.

In our head?

We're doing it for everybody else.

As well as ourselves.

It's that whole:

Everyone's life would be better without me.

Type mentality.

But you never consider how you would be if you ever came back.

What If I Came Back and the Person I Loved Most Was Gone?

Today?

I was forced to think:

What would happen if I came back?

And the person I loved the most?

Was just gone?

I have to find a new way to protect me.

Running away isn't the answer.

And it may not always look like putting myself in a bubble.

He's right.

I should probably establish a therapist while I'm out here.

And work on those things.

And I plan to.

I Was Protecting My Peace

Again.

I'm not delusional.

I'm not seeing anybody in the room with me.

Nobody's there.

That's not what I'm talking about.

The idea?

Was protecting my peace.

Finding something that protects me.

Something that says:

You're safe.

You are loved.

You are worth loving.

You are worth caring for.

So I went back to the time that I felt that.

I cherished those feelings.

When they were just easy.

I didn't have to beg for them.

I didn't have to scrape for them.

They just came naturally.

How Do You Protect Yourself?

So I ask you:

How do you protect yourself?

What do you do when it's so bad that you need to lift yourself up just a little bit?

Just to feel normal?

How do you process that?

Do you go to a safe place?

I used to tell my kids when they were stressed out after therapy:

Hey.

I need you to go to a safe place for you.

Go wherever it makes you happy.

I'm Up in the Trees Eating Candy

I had one kid.

Love her dearly.

She was like:

"I'm up in the trees."

"I'm swinging from limb to limb."

"Eating candy."

Girl.

Do you.

If that's where you have to be to feel good?

Up in those trees you go.

Find Your Protective Spot

Sometimes?

We have to go where it protects us the most.

That looks different for everybody.

Find your protective spot.

Somewhere you can go just long enough to get the strength to come back and face the world.

You deserve that.

You deserve to go back to that one place where everything just feels normal.

Calm.

Invokes the feelings that you wish you could have all day long.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I found my bubble.

I protected myself.

I did what I needed to do to make sure that I was okay.

And then?

When I gave myself enough strength inside that bubble?

I came back.

And I faced the world.

I had the hard conversation with my friend.

I had the hard conversation with my husband.

I went out today.

My original plan was to stay in bed and hide all day long.

I actually left the house today.

Sometimes we have to do some really interesting things to protect ourselves.

Not harmful.

Interesting.

Again?

I'm not asking you to hurt yourself.

I'm not asking you to put yourself in a situation that's unrealistic and believe that's just where you are.

If that's where your mindset is?

Please go get help.

Please reach out to somebody.

I'm simply saying:

Find something that can bring you peace in the moment.

Something you can draw strength from.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.