Dear Optional Me: Tonight I Choose to Stop Making Myself an Option

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Have you ever felt in your soul that you knew something but still questioned it?

I mean like you had a question to ask somebody, but you already knew what the answer was before you ever asked.

There are so many times where I believe that I know what someone's presenting to me.

I recognize what's being given to me.

What's being offered to me.

And yet still?

I lean on the side of caution.

Maybe it's just in my head.

Maybe it's just me.

Maybe I'm just missing something.

I Ignore the Warning Signs and Hope I'm Wrong

And so in missing it?

I just kind of ignore it.

Ignore the warning signs.

Ignore the bells.

And hope that I'm wrong.

Today?

Last night?

For a while now?

I've been doing just that.

I've been believing something that I knew wasn't true.

And in believing it?

I kind of set myself up for failure.

But I don't wanna admit it.

I don't even know if it was hope.

Or trust.

Or optimism.

Versus just, as I feel right now?

Plain stupidity.

I made dumb moves.

I made dumb choices.

That's how I'm feeling at this moment.

I'm Always Worried About Pleasing Somebody Else

I am still in California.

You can tell.

Yesterday I was debating whether or not I should stay.

And I was having a really rough time trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing.

Who I'm supposed to be pleasing.

Who I'm supposed to be making happy.

And that's just it.

I'm always worried about pleasing somebody else.

And making somebody else happy.

It's been like the goal of my life.

And it hasn't served me well at all.

I do it with the hopes that it's going to repay me someday.

That somebody's going to recognize that in my life?

They're ultra important.

And that I, in turn?

Will be ultra important to them.

No.

Today I Learned the Hard Way Something I've Always Known

I'm not even sure if I can say that I learned it.

Versus I had it reiterated to me.

I had it confirmed.

I asked a friend if they wanted to get a tattoo with me.

And in asking that question?

I knew what the answer would be.

Wholeheartedly.

Knew they were gonna say no.

But it's never gonna happen, right?

I can't begin to explain why I knew the answer was no.

I just did.

You Still Haven't Answered My Question

At first the person kind of played along with it.

"What kind of tattoo are you wanting?"

And I explained that I wanted something small and simple and meaningful to me.

"Yeah, that sounds great."

And I'm like:

Yeah.

I've been nervous about it for a really long time.

But I think I want to do it.

"Yeah, you should do it."

Okay.

But you still haven't answered my question.

Do you want to get a tattoo with me?

And I kind of got one of those:

"At this time..."

Blah blah blah.

It's not even an application, bro.

Just say no.

I Expected It

I said:

Well, I figured that was gonna be the answer.

And it was kind of one of those:

"Well, not at the moment."

No.

I didn't mean disrespect by that.

I just knew no was going to be the answer.

I expected it.

It wasn't one of those:

That hurt me.

That hit me.

It was just:

Yeah.

Confirmation.

I knew that was gonna happen.

And on any other day?

I probably would have been gutted.

But so much had happened before that conversation finished taking place?

There was no room left in me.

Nothing left in me to be gutted.

I've Been Going Back and Forth on What California Means to Me

I have been going back and forth on what California means to me.

And the possibilities that it offers.

I asked my husband before I left if he wanted to go.

He didn't.

Again?

I expected that.

He's not gonna leave Kansas.

So I was like:

Okay.

Pack up.

Come out here.

Do the stuff.

All the things.

And then I've been struggling while I've been out here.

Because I just feel lonely.

I feel like something is missing.

And I don't necessarily know exactly what's missing.

I just know that it is.

I Don't Feel Like You Want Me

I've been kind of going through the motions with how to handle that.

How to survive that feeling without doing anything drastic.

Sometimes I talk to him about it.

Sometimes I bottle it up inside.

But the last few days?

I've just been kind of open about it.

Okay.

I just don't feel like you want me.

Like you need me.

Like you're interested in this anymore.

And I always get the answer:

"That's not true."

"That's just how you feel."

"That's in your head."

"That's how you build it up."

And I kind of go:

Yeah.

Okay.

I do that.

There's some truth to that.

And I shove it to the side.

Go on about my day.

What Do I Have to Do to Get Your Attention?

Yesterday we were on the phone.

We'd been on the phone for quite some time.

Watching football.

And I asked if he wanted to move to California.

I got an answer that I usually get.

And I got sad.

He was like:

"I'm not trying to make you sad."

No.

I get that.

I don't think it was his intention to make me sad.

And then I asked a question that I think has been weighing on me for quite some time.

What do I have to do to get your attention?

Mind you?

We were sitting on the phone.

We'd been on the phone for almost two hours at this point.

And my question was:

What do I have to do to get your attention?

Clearly You Have My Attention

There's a lot implied in that.

Because we are interacting with each other.

For all common-sense purposes?

Right?

And yet I still feel like I don't have his attention.

His response was:

"I've been on the phone with you for almost two hours. Clearly you have my attention."

And I knew that what I was asking and what was being responded to?

Were two drastically different things.

Not remotely the same.

And I didn't know how to explain to him what I was asking.

So I let the question go.

What Could We Do to Make You Ready to Come to California?

Eventually I got off the phone.

He went to bed.

I went to bed.

Whatever.

Then today started.

I got up with excitement because things I thought were finally working out in my favor.

I did my orientation for a job.

I emailed a couple other prospects.

I was just kind of having a good day.

I was talking through things with another friend.

Talking to my husband off and on.

And it was suggested that I ask a very specific question.

I hadn't really thought about asking it that way.

Maybe I should.

So I reached out to my husband.

Hey.

What could we do to make you ready to come to California?

What do I have to do?

We'd Have to See

He gave an answer that was perfectly sensible.

We've got our house.

We've got our kid.

We've got his job that he has to figure out.

Okay.

So if we were able to figure those three things out?

You'd be ready to come to California.

"Well, we'd have to see."

Okay.

What would we have to see?

You're telling me these are the things you would need.

And so we dive deeper into the conversation.

His reasonings are valid.

We're broke.

Our house needs to be fixed up.

We have a kid.

He has another kid.

And he just doesn't see where it would ever be feasible for us to ever move out here.

When Is It Ever Going to Be My Turn?

Okay.

When I heard that?

It broke my heart.

Because my family is out here.

I've been talking to a friend about everything that's going on.

And I was just wondering:

When was it ever gonna be my turn for us to choose to live near my family?

That doesn't seem like it's an option.

That's not something that is valued in our relationship.

So it's unlikely to happen.

And I'm talking to my friend about it.

I just thought that at some point in time we would acknowledge:

Okay.

We've done this for this long for you.

And your family.

And your needs.

We were gonna reciprocate that for the other person in our relationship.

I Knew the Answer Before I Asked the Question

And I recognize again?

I knew the answer before I asked the question.

And I often wonder why I do that to myself.

Why I know what I'm being offered.

I know what I'm being presented.

And I hold on hope for something different anyway.

People have been telling me for years where I stand.

What I mean to them.

And I always say:

Well.

Maybe that'll change someday.

Then I'm disappointed when it doesn't change.

My Heart Broke

Tonight we had that conversation.

And my heart?

It broke.

It was heavy.

I was crying.

And he kept asking me if I was okay.

Typical me?

I kept saying I was okay.

And he kept saying:

"I know you're not okay."

Yeah.

I kept trying to disassociate.

I looked outside.

Looked at the pretty flowers.

Thought about the weather.

Anything to break up the idea of processing my feelings.

That's what I do when things get really hard.

And I recognized in the moment that's what I was doing.

So I said:

You know what?

I'm going to go ahead and get off the phone.

I'm Going to Focus on Those Things While I Have the Chance

I got off the phone.

Talked to a friend about what was going on.

And I came up with a plan on how I'm gonna handle things.

Nothing extreme.

It's the same thing I've been planning for a while now.

I do my job.

I go to the gym.

I work on my business.

I work on my books.

Nothing different than what I've already said I was gonna do.

I'm just gonna focus on those things while I have the chance.

He Would Like for Me to Come Back Eventually

It's important to note that in the conversation with my husband?

He did say that he would like for me to come back.

Eventually.

Okay.

He acknowledges that he knows that's not what I want.

But he would like for me to come back eventually.

Alright.

So I'm sitting here after the phone call.

Going through the physical motions of organizing things.

Cleaning things.

Because that's what I do when I need to process.

I pick up all my stuff.

Clean up all my stuff.

Then I decide I'm going to take a nap.

Because at this point?

I'm exhausted.

Expectation and Hope Are Two Different Things

I got ready to take a nap.

Set an alarm so I could get up and do my podcast at my usual time.

Clearly that didn't work.

I put my phone on Do Not Disturb.

At that point?

I just needed to shut off the world.

I thought:

Okay.

When I wake up, I'll have people to talk to and things to deal with.

It's fine.

I'll handle that when I get up.

So I went to sleep.

And the two people I expected to hear from when I woke up?

I didn't hear from at all.

And I say expected.

But again?

I knew that was going to be the case.

I knew that.

Expectation and hoping are two different things.

I was hoping that when I woke up I would have heard from these two people.

I expected that I wouldn't.

And I didn't.

It Just Confirmed What I Already Knew

I thought that would bother me more than it did.

And no.

Again?

It just kind of confirmed what I already knew.

That for the longest time?

For many people?

I am an option.

I am one of many.

I am one of a hundred and ten.

I am one of whatever number I was with that person.

I don't hold enough significance to be anything else other than that.

They can go and find another me.

They will find another me.

And that's okay.

They have found other mes.

I'm simply an option.

I'm Not a Priority

I'm not a priority.

I'm not something to shift life for.

I'm not someone that you move mountains for.

Cross oceans for.

That's not a thing.

I'm an option.

And in my world?

I am so quick to make everybody a priority.

Or else I just don't let you in to begin with.

And I keep letting people in who make me an option.

That's Not What I'm Saying

Is it my husband's responsibility to pick up and move to California?

Absolutely not.

That's not what I'm saying.

I am saying, though, that at some point in time?

He and I should have been on the same page of what we wanted to do.

Where we wanted to go in our marriage.

For the longest time?

I had been very vocal about wanting to live closer to my family.

It's not a secret.

He does know that.

And if the going argument in that conversation was that he wanted to be closer to his family?

I understand that.

I Know That's How He Feels

To some extent?

That's kind of what he says.

He wants to be able to see his kid.

And that makes perfectly good sense.

Except he also acknowledges that he doesn't see his kid now.

The response is always because of money.

He doesn't see his kid because of money.

We don't have the sixty dollars to go see his kid.

I feel like that's neither here nor there in the argument.

Because I can refute it if I wanted to.

But I don't.

I know that's how he feels.

And that's what matters in this situation.

I've Got You in California

He's got a lot of stuff going in Kansas for him.

And I stated:

Well, that makes sense.

You've got a lot in Kansas.

And his response was:

"Well, I've got you in California."

Not really.

Right?

Yes.

I am here.

But you've already stated that you want me to come back.

This is very temporary in your mind.

I get to visit my family.

And live with yours.

Whatever family that looks like.

I get to be an option.

And I'm only an option for people when I'm doing exactly what they want.

I'm Willing to Do This for You If You Do All These Things

The guy who's supposed to be my best friend in Kansas or Missouri likes to remind me:

If you move somewhere closer to the city?

I'd move in with you.

So I have to move near you for you to make any kind of move for me whatsoever.

That keeps happening.

It's a trend.

Hey.

I'm willing to do this for you if you do all of these things.

Right.

But that doesn't help me.

I don't want to live in Kansas City.

So it doesn't make sense that I would move to Kansas City.

I'm not.

That doesn't put me any closer to my family.

Or toward the things I wanna do with my life.

But the point is?

I'm an option.

There Have Been Very Few Times I've Felt Like a Priority

I'm an option.

And there have been very few times in my life where I felt like a priority.

And I cling to those moments.

Oftentimes I go to sleep with those moments.

I lie down with those moments.

I let those moments hold me.

Comfort me.

But when did I decide that those moments should only be memories?

And not reality?

No.

That's why I'm working on it.

That's why I'm processing it.

Thinking about it.

Trying to figure out how to move accordingly.

I'm Not Making Grandiose Decisions Tonight

I'm not making grandiose decisions tonight.

I know that a lot of this is me being really deep in my feelings.

Feeling really drained.

I know that when I'm done posting all of the things everywhere?

I'll probably go back to bed.

And just be.

I won't talk to anybody about it because I don't really have anybody to talk to about it.

I guess that's saying it the wrong way.

The friend that I would talk to about it?

She's not feeling well.

I don't want to bother her.

Everybody else is busy.

Asleep.

Living their own lives.

So it's just me and my thoughts.

Sometimes I Have to Learn to Live With Just Me and My Thoughts

And sometimes?

That's okay.

Sometimes I have to learn to live with just me and my thoughts.

Tonight?

The thought is just how optional I am.

And before?

That would have caused me to do some not nice things to myself.

I don't feel that way tonight.

I don't feel like I need to disappear into the abyss.

Or not exist.

I think that I just need to find people who also think I'm worth existing.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I heard news that I knew.

And it broke my heart like I knew it would.

And I didn't react the way that I usually do.

I didn't hurt myself.

I didn't want to hurt myself.

I wanted to do the exact opposite.

I wanted to say:

Okay.

Let's focus on doing the thing that you said you were gonna do.

Let's just make the best of a situation while you're here.

It was hard.

But I can't make everybody a priority without making myself a priority for me first.

And so tonight?

I choose to stop making myself an option.

Tonight I choose to make myself a priority.

And if you're out there?

And you're feeling like you're just options for somebody?

That they're always requiring you to do what they need in order to give you an ounce of what you need?

I want you to think about it.

I want you to process:

Is that how it's supposed to be?

It's supposed to be give and take.

But if you're giving the chunk of it?

You're an option.

And that's not how that's supposed to work.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.