Dear Compulsive Me: If I Want a Different Ending, I Have to Write Something Different

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Do you have certain things that you just love to do?

You love to repeat them.

You love to see them happen in the similar order that they always do?

Sometimes I like to believe that that's what I'm doing.

Simply doing something that I enjoy over and over again just because.

Something About It Feels Necessary

I know that I have a lot of idiosyncrasies that I do because I feel the need to.

I park in the same parking spot because something about it feels more than just familiar.

Necessary.

When I go to work and I'm starting a new job?

I establish my bathroom stall.

And it's the only bathroom stall that I can use.

When I eat at places?

I go out to eat.

I find the meal that I think I would like.

I order it.

And if I like it?

That's the only thing that I can eat from there.

In My Mind, It Just Makes Life Easier

You just do what's familiar.

You eat the same thing because if you're eating the same thing?

Then you can't go wrong.

You already know that you like it.

If you park in the same spot?

You always know where your car is.

If you use the same stall?

You know that it's safe.

Those are the things I've convinced myself over the years are just preferences.

That I repeat the same things.

Routine.

Nobody Has to Think That Through

Wake up.

Go to the bathroom.

Take your shower.

Take your shower in the same way that you do every day.

Wash your body the same way every day.

Clean your face the same way every day.

And then I realized:

No.

Nobody has to think that through.

People just get in there and wash themselves.

They don't have to process where they're starting from and where they're finishing at.

It's just a natural cleaning-yourself process.

I've Been Doing a Lot Better With That

I've been doing a lot better with that since I've been in California.

Usually my meals are really planned.

I eat the same things for breakfast most days because it just makes sense in my head.

You get up in the morning.

You make your eggs.

Your bacon.

Your tomato.

Your avocado.

Perfect.

I haven't had that while being here.

I have the ingredients for most of it.

I just haven't had it.

My bedtime's been off too.

Because somehow I've decided at my age I should have a bedtime.

So by a certain time of night?

I usually wander to my bedroom.

That's been different since I've been here.

My Life Doesn't Depend on Me Doing That Certain Thing

I haven't felt the need to process things the way that I typically do.

I keep an eye on the time.

I'm mindful of it.

I'm mindful of what's going on around me.

I'm just not set on it.

My life doesn't depend on me doing that certain thing.

And it's weird because I don't know when it crosses from it just being something you like in a routine to being compulsive.

For me?

It's:

But I've always been that way.

I've always worn clothes a certain way.

I've always loved the colors a certain way.

I like to organize a certain way.

My brain just functions when I do that.

What Does This New Me Look Like?

So I am trying to figure out what this new me looks like.

This me where I don't have to do the things I think I have to do.

Granted?

There's some things that I know I just cannot break.

At night before I go to bed?

I have to use the bathroom.

And I don't mean:

My gosh, I drank water, so I have to go.

I mean:

Hey.

You took a sip of water.

If you don't go to the bathroom?

You're gonna pee the bed.

But I Just Went to the Bathroom

But I just went to the bathroom.

Like right before I took my meds.

Right.

But then you took a sip of water.

So now it's gonna happen.

And then I can't get to sleep.

My brain tells me that unless I go to the bathroom directly before I go to bed?

No matter how small of a sip of drink I take?

I'm gonna pee my bed.

That's compulsive.

I am 43 years old.

Far past the age of wetting my bed.

And yet it's an insane fear that says if I don't do it?

I will indeed pee the bed.

Has it happened?

No.

But I'm convinced it hasn't happened because I do it.

And that the day that I don't do it?

That's the day I'm gonna wet my bed.

For the Love of God, Go to Sleep

How do you break some of these habits?

How do you convince yourself things are fine?

I think that's trial and error.

I try just laying in bed saying:

Go to sleep.

Go to sleep.

Just go to sleep.

For the love of God.

Go to sleep.

And my body says:

No.

Can't do it.

Won't do it.

It's impossible.

I Haven't Done That Since I've Been Here

I was talking to my husband the other day about the possibility of ADHD.

And we were talking about my hands.

He was like:

"Well, how do your hands look?"

Because for a while?

I was legit peeling off my skin.

I haven't done that since I've been here.

I don't know what has made the difference in my shift of anxiety or compulsiveness.

I don't know if it's stepping away from things that were stressing me out to begin with.

I don't know if I just needed the vacation from the things that I felt like were stacking up against me.

Either way?

I knew that I needed something different.

And I walked away to do something different.

And it's helped dramatically.

It Wasn't a Fix-All

There have been days that I've been in bed and I couldn't get up since being here.

It wasn't a fix-all.

But I've noticed there have been things that dispersed.

Lessened.

I'd like to think in a perfect world that I can go back home and those not be issues anymore.

But I'm worried.

I'm worried that everything comes flooding back.

That it overwhelms me.

And I put myself right back in that same place where my mental health just takes a deep dive and I can't pull myself out of it.

I Will Get Inside My Head and Invent All Kinds of Stories

Today I talked to my kid.

My 18-year-old.

She and I were swapping stories.

And I was telling her how I am very inventive.

I will get inside my head and invent all kinds of stories about things that were happening.

I convinced myself the boyfriend was messaging me early in the morning because he was waking up early to text all his round of girls.

Whether true or not.

And I doubt that it's true.

I had convinced myself that's indeed what was going on.

I convinced myself that my husband was seeing somebody else back at the house.

He wasn't.

But that didn't stop me from believing it.

I also believed strongly that he was doing better without me.

And if he's doing better without me?

It's because he doesn't need me.

He doesn't miss me.

In My Mind, Those Things Were Just True

I recognize that they're false.

I understand that they're false.

My mental health says:

I don't care that there's logic behind it.

I don't need there to be logic.

It's what I think is going on.

So she and I had a good laugh.

She was like:

"Mom, you're just like me and I'm just like you."

And I think that was the beauty of discussing things with her.

I think that's the beauty of discussing mental health in general.

Because we're set up to believe that we're going through things alone.

We always feel like we're doing it alone.

And it's so rare that you're the only one going through it.

We Don't Take the Time to Acknowledge Who We Are Now

I was preparing my author letter today for one of my books.

And in it?

I was talking about growing.

How we grow from being a child one day to an adult the next day.

We're 17 the night before our birthday.

And then the morning we wake up?

We're 18.

We're automatically an adult.

Just like that.

And we spend our whole life talking about:

Who you're gonna be.

What are you gonna be?

What are you gonna do?

How are you gonna do it?

How are you gonna go?

And we don't take the time to acknowledge who we are now.

We're so quick to figure out who we will be in the future that we don't take time to figure out who we are now.

And that's sad.

Because so much of us now determines who we are in the future.

You've Lived Your Experience, Which Isn't Mine

I'm sitting there.

I'm thinking.

I'm writing.

And I'm thinking about all the people who love to give advice.

"Well, I've been through this, so I can help you out."

No.

You've lived your experience.

Which isn't mine.

Just because you experienced something yesterday doesn't make it my experience today.

I'm gonna say that again.

Just because you experienced something yesterday doesn't make it my experience today.

The world is ever-changing.

It's always growing.

There's new technology.

There's new knowledge.

The days never look the same.

So how can you give me advice for a situation that you have never gone through?

You've Gone Through Your Version of Events

You've gone through the version of events with your feelings.

Your thought process.

Your chemical balances.

Those are not mine.

We forget that we're all living an experiment where every moment is a brand-new moment for us.

As I sit here and process something that's going on?

As I process my thoughts?

My feelings?

My impact on things around me?

My impact on the world?

I know it's gonna be different than you sitting where you are listening to me.

They're not bound to be the same just because we live in the same area.

We still live in the same world.

I grew up with seven.

And I guarantee you my experience and my perspective of what happened in my household is different than my siblings'.

Does it make it wrong?

No.

But I can't give them advice from my viewpoint.

Because it's not theirs.

It will never be theirs.

We're So Busy Trying to Fix the Thing

And I think that's where people get really compulsive with just things in general.

We're so busy trying to fix the thing that the thing is constantly changing.

What I could be angry about today?

What I could be sad about today?

Doesn't necessarily mean I'll be angry or sad about tomorrow.

I'm growing.

I'm supposed to be growing.

I'm supposed to be learning new things.

And if I'm growing and I'm learning new things?

Doesn't that give me the right to change my mind?

The right to decide if this is gonna be the me I wanna be forever?

I Don't Want to Be Stuck in the Same Headspace

I've talked about it before.

I hope that I'm constantly growing.

Constantly shifting.

Constantly changing.

I don't want it to be that I look back on my journal from July and I'm still stuck in that same headspace.

Yes.

I can still have those feelings.

But those feelings will be in a different capacity.

I'm a different person.

Compulsive me today may be drastically different than compulsive me tomorrow.

Compulsive Me Today Got Her Nails Done

Compulsive me today?

She got her nails done.

Should she have?

Probably not.

But she wanted to.

So she did it.

She wanted to spend the money.

She hasn't secured her job yet.

Hasn't started working.

And still thought she should get her nails done.

Wise me sitting here says:

That was probably a bad idea.

She can't take it back now.

It's too late.

Compulsive me earlier said:

Fuck it.

I don't care.

Then I sat here.

I was running numbers of bills.

All the things I have to pay for.

All the things I have to take care of.

And it might actually work out.

This Time It Didn't Hurt Us, But It Could Have

Current me says:

Okay.

So compulsive younger me?

You know.

A couple hours ago?

Was in her head about things that she should just do just to do them because she didn't want to feel her feelings and process at all.

Maybe this time it wasn't bad.

This time it didn't hurt us.

But it could have.

And I'm learning that the expectation that we're supposed to know all the things all the time?

Is unreasonable.

I'm Supposed to Continue to Grow From Them

I am supposed to have this experience.

Have this thought process.

Have these feelings.

And then continue to grow from them.

The first guy I dated?

That relationship was never going to be like the last guy that I dated.

They're different people.

The me that he started dating when I was 18?

Wasn't the me that broke up with him when I was older.

We were going different ways.

Different paths.

Did we still love each other?

Yes.

Did we still care about each other?

Yes.

And we were still growing.

Learning.

Changing.

That's When Compulsions Become Bad

I feel like when you get stagnant?

When you get stuck?

That's when compulsions become bad.

When I'm not willing to change.

When I'm not willing to do something different.

I'm trying to break that cycle.

I'm trying to give myself the courage to try something new.

And it's uneasy.

Sometimes it's downright scary.

But it's helpful.

We Want Change Without Doing Anything Different

At some point in time?

We keep talking about how we want something to be different.

We want change.

We yell about how we want change.

Want things to be different.

Without doing anything different.

That's not how that works.

I want to live a life where I can say:

I tried.

Sometimes I failed.

Sometimes I succeeded.

But I always tried.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I got out of bed today.

Which doesn't sound like a big feat.

But I didn't go to bed till like two o'clock this morning.

And I was still up by like eight or nine.

I don't know why.

I just was.

I could have spent the day laying in bed.

I didn't.

I had breakfast.

Then I got up.

I got dressed.

And I said:

Hey.

Let's go do something for yourself.

I tried a new color.

I don't ever do brown nails.

But I thought:

What the hell?

Look.

The guy picked them.

I talked to my kid.

I enjoyed time with my kid.

Laughing.

Joking.

Swapping stories that most people would be like:

"My gosh, you talk about that with your mom?"

Yeah.

We do.

We're a pretty open family.

I sat down and did my budget.

I sat down and found out my background check has gone through.

I didn't sit in a room in the dark and fret over every little decision I could make.

I'm Doing Something Different

I'm changing.

Because that's human nature.

That's what we're supposed to do.

You could have believed something 20 years ago.

And I would hope that's not the same person who sits before you now.

When I was growing up?

I believed in the Tooth Fairy.

I clearly don't believe in her anymore.

It's okay to change.

It's okay to have posted somewhere:

The Tooth Fairy is so great.

She gave me a dollar.

And a dollar was a lot back then.

That doesn't have to be me now.

At some point in time?

I have to stop holding my past against me.

Because I could only know what I knew then.

If you're sitting in your own thoughts and they don't always make sense to you?

Welcome to the club.

If you find yourself wanting something different but doing the same thing?

Welcome to the club.

Welcome to being human.

If you find that you want to do something different?

You want to test the waters?

And you don't know how?

Talk to me.

Let's figure it out together.

If you want a different ending to this beautiful story of life that you're telling?

Write something different.

Tell a different story.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.