Dear Old Me: Old Me Is Coming Back

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Do you ever catch yourself seeing a vision of you that you thought existed or a vision that you hoped you existed in?

Today I’ve been thinking a lot about the old me.

Which is kind of funny to me because this originally started with me talking to future me.

And as I prep and plan for all the things, old me keeps popping up.

Looking Forward to Meeting the Old Me

It’s the me that gets excited to try all the food places I’ve ever had before.

It’s the me that can’t wait to play on slides and swings.

It’s the me that can’t wait to go for walks or runs, because believe it or not, I used to.

It’s the me who laughed more than she cried.

I find myself looking forward to meeting the old me.

I also am very worried about the old me.

She is very courageous and she’s strong, but she puts a lot of emphasis on how she looks.

She puts a lot of emphasis on what others think of her.

And I can see traces of her coming through too.

Seeing My Dad Means Also Seeing My Mom

As I plan to go back home, I had been really excited to see my dad.

But seeing my dad means also seeing my mom.

And that scares me.

I can already hear her voice and imagine what she’s gonna say to me about my looks.

I used to be the thin one.

I am not the thin one at the moment.

And I know I’m gonna hear about it, and it’s gonna hurt my ego.

As I explained to my husband earlier tonight, as much as I want to see my dad, I’m afraid to go over looking like this.

I know I’m gonna hear something.

And I won’t have that same buffer to help me weed through the comments that she’s made, because I’ll be there by myself.

My birthday’s coming up.

And I would absolutely love for my birthday to see my dad.

It would be one of the best birthday presents ever.

I haven’t seen my dad on my birthday in years.

My dad’s probably one of my favorite people.

Always has been.

And just to see my dad and give him a hug and hear him laugh and then tease him about being his favorite would be the perfect way to spend my birthday.

But that also means the possibility of hearing the comments about how I’m getting old and how I’ve put on weight and how I’m not where my husband is.

And that old version of me?

She didn’t do well with those things.

She didn’t fight them.

She didn’t argue them.

She just buried them deep inside and she let them fester.

And that is the me that I’m currently worried about.

That Little Voice That’s Always in the Back of My Head

As I talk to friends who know that I’m going, they tell me, you know, don’t worry about it.

Forget about it.

Don’t let anybody ruin this for you.

And I’m trying my hardest.

But it’s there, you know?

It’s that little voice that’s always in the back of my head that tells me that I’m not good enough.

That I need to try harder.

Well, your sister’s doing this, and your brother’s accomplishing that.

And I’m, you know, just me.

I have a podcast and I write books, and I’m fantastic with children.

Although I don’t have any of my own.

I borrow others and make them mine.

I’m good at things.

I accomplish things.

Maybe not quite the things that she’s wanted me to accomplish.

I may not look like she wants me to look.

I may not be what she wants me to be.

I will probably be a disappointment.

Old me and current me, probably future me too, will always be her greatest disappointment.

I’m good at that, at least, right?

Expecting the Worst, Really Hoping for the Best

And I find that as I fret about it, I pick at it.

Because I have this nervous—not tick, I don’t think that’s the correct word—but this habit that when I’m nervous, I pick.

It used to be that I just bit my nails.

But as you can see, there isn’t much there to bite.

So at some point in time I went to picking off skin.

Tonight I picked too far and it hurt.

And I recognize that I’m antsy and that I am on edge about it.

Not unhappy.

Not scared.

Just expecting the worst.

Really hoping for the best.

Knowing that it’s not likely, but still excited to move forward.

So for me, it’s learning to weigh the good with the bad.

I know that there are going to be some parts of this journey that’ll be really hard for me.

I have to go home looking extremely different than I left, without my family that I made, without the friends that I’ve made.

I am on my own.

I’m starting a new job with new people.

Meeting new people.

But...

I Get Some of the Memories Back

I get some of the best food ever.

I get my cheesesteak shop back and In-N-Out.

And I get Bubba Gump.

I love Bubba Gump.

And I get Round Table and Mountain Mike’s.

I get Safeway sandwiches.

Which sounds unbelievably dumb, but I love those sandwiches.

I get some of the memories back that I feel like have been lost.

I cannot wait to go back to my hometown and go to Brigadoon Park and slide down the slide.

With cardboard, of course, because I don’t want to hurt myself.

If you know.

I can’t wait to visit Yosemite or Santa Cruz.

Walk around the pier in San Francisco.

I can’t wait to sit outside in the winter and enjoy the weather.

I can’t wait to meet with friends and go get dinners and go get lunches.

I’m really hoping to reconnect with some of my sisters.

Bring some of those relationships to where they should be.

I am excited because this is gonna be a great experience.

I’m going to make it a great experience.

I Am Going to Write This Chapter

I am going to write this chapter, and it’s going to be the best chapter I’ve had yet.

Because I get to write it.

And old me is just gonna have to learn that new me is in charge.

Even when new me’s not so sure how that’s supposed to go.

And so that’s how it’s been today.

You guys know that I’ve been planning this trip, that I’ve been putting the pieces together.

If you really know me, you know that putting the pieces together looks like I’ve gotten things in a list.

And I got it started, but I hadn’t dotted I’s, crossed T’s, because that is scary and it’s hard.

And so I’d been looking for places and I was going back and forth on several of them.

But I think part of that was, as long as I’m going back and forth on them, I can’t obtain one.

And then if I can’t obtain one, then it’s not real.

Today I Obtained One

Today I obtained one.

That was my bite of pie today.

I actually found a place that I like.

And I put a deposit down.

And I was scared.

Because I was just like, my gosh, that’s not money that I can get back.

Yes, I can still back out.

I recognize that.

But this is money I can’t get back.

So it’s kind of set in stone now.

It’s so real.

It’s so real.

I mean, yes, I’ve had the job offers.

Apparently I have another one coming.

I know.

Self-harm.

I’m not taking all the jobs.

I am seeing what’s worthwhile.

I think that I owe it to myself to say, hey, if I’m gonna do something, I may as well do it right.

May as well get paid my worth.

So I’m doing that.

I plan to write.

I plan to get back to where I like me.

Believe It or Not, I Used to Really Like Me

Because, believe it or not, I used to really like me.

I used to love dressing and wearing heels and dresses and getting my hair done.

My hair looks like a hot mess today.

I’ll be the first person to say it.

I like to get my scalp greased.

And I was telling my husband, like, with me leaving, it’ll be a while before it gets done, because my husband does it for me.

Which was my backward way of saying, “Hey, can I get that done tonight?”

And he said yes.

And he did it.

But when he does it, my hair looks even more wild than what it usually does.

And wild is how he described it, which is the reason why I’m using that word right now.

I don’t know how I feel about the idea that my hair is wild.

I thought some kind of way about that, but I haven’t settled on where that’s gonna go yet.

I describe my hair as curly.

Natural.

Wild?

I don’t know about that.

That Girl, She’s Still in Here

I’m just looking forward to finding the girl that used to exist.

The carefree one.

The one who was able to speak her mind and go out for the things that she wanted.

That girl, she’s still in here.

And she deserves a chance to come out and be healthy.

Healthy.

Key words on healthy.

Those are my dogs.

I am just ready to figure out what life is supposed to look like.

What’s it gonna be like?

What are the changes I’m gonna make?

Now, don’t expect me to get on here and be like, skinny.

Because I like to eat.

And I’m going home to where a lot of my favorite places are.

Mexican food is my weakness.

And it’s California.

So tamales galore.

I cannot wait.

And I know I make it sound like all I care about is food.

And I don’t.

But it’s just...

Those Things Bring Me Back to My Memories

Those things are the things that bring me back to my memories, you know?

Like, I salt and pepper my tomatoes and I eat them.

And I salt and pepper my eggs.

I eat my hard-boiled eggs.

And I know that’s not, like, wild or anything, but someone commented on how much pepper I use.

And, you know, they were just like, “You must really like pepper.”

And I don’t dislike pepper, obviously.

But the memory for me is that my grandmother used to heavily salt her homemade French fries.

And so whenever I salt and pepper my food, I think of her.

I debated having rice and eggs the other day.

White rice with sugar.

Scrambled eggs with salt and pepper.

Best combination ever.

And it made me think of my dad.

So many things are centered around memories with food for me.

Cream of wheat.

I love a good bowl of cream of wheat for breakfast.

And it always reminds me of my sisters and brothers because of how we sweetened it and how we would fight over who got more.

Food’s always gonna be part of my life.

I love baking.

Absolutely adore baking.

I used to bake with my mom’s mom, my grandmother.

And she was the one who taught me how to taste it to make sure it was okay.

Nope, if you taste it and it feels like you need something else, add some more to it.

We measure with our hearts.

Food Has Been a Central Part of My Life Since I Was a Little Girl

Food has been a central part of my life since I was a little girl.

I can remember being a little toddler walking around with a chicken bone in my mouth.

It was a big deal.

And so now part of the things that are a big deal for me are meals.

My family could tell you that I’m very big on, like, let’s make dinner and sit down at the table to eat together.

I love that.

I absolutely adore that.

And I know that’s gonna be really sad, that I have to eat alone in my bedroom.

Well, I don’t have to eat in my bedroom.

But I probably will.

There’s gonna be some changes.

I’m gonna have to either make more friends or reestablish relationships with old friends.

I’m horrible with keeping in touch sometimes.

And I think that’s because I’ve just decided that I am not worth bothering somebody.

So I typically won’t.

It’s not so much that they aren’t important to me.

It’s that I don’t want to interrupt their life.

And I know that’s something I have to work on.

So I will.

Old Me Is Coming Back

Old me is coming back.

Old me likes to keep in contact.

Old me likes to make friends.

Old me likes to go out.

Who knows?

Old me might even go dancing.

Old me loves karaoke.

So that might make an appearance.

I’m just excited for old me to come back out of her shell.

I’m ready for old me to make the appearance and say that it’s safe for her to come out and play.

Because she’s been hidden for far too long.

My Bite of Pie

So, my bite of pie today.

I acquired my place to live.

I have figured out how I’m getting there.

I have figured out, for the most part, what things are gonna look like for the day-to-day.

I am still planning on doing my podcast.

I’ve got all that stuff situated with what I’m packing, taking with me.

I’m not sure how the setup is gonna be.

But I’m excited and I’m ready to take you guys along.

And we’ll figure it out as we go.

I hope that your Friday is going amazing and that you’re catching traces of old you that you like and that you want to visit with.

That maybe you want to sit down and chat with, hold their hand and say, “Hey, we came a long way. But we can get back to what we want to be.”

I hope that you smiled way more than you cried.

I hope that if you had family fun night, that you won at whatever game you played and that the movie you watched was amazing.

If you’re eating by yourself because you enjoy that, I hope that each bite was just perfectly seasoned and melts in your mouth.

I hope that we all learn and we grow and we find the pieces of us that belong together.

And sometimes that’ll look like a piece of old you and a piece of current you and a piece of future you.

And then when we put all the pieces together, gloriously it’ll fit.

And it’ll be our unperfectly perfect selves.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Afraid Me: Scary Doable, Not Scary Impossible

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Is there something in your life that you are irrationally afraid of?

The kind of afraid where you know it’s harmless, but it still overcomes you.

You can’t shake it.

I have several fears like that.

And most of my fears are indeed irrational.

I don’t know where they come from.

They just exist.

Basically, If It Scurries or Flies, I’m Out

There is my insane fear of insects.

If I see a bug, I’m gonna freak out.

I’ve gotten better with it.

There is my unnatural fear of butterflies.

I don’t know what it is about them.

But they scare me.

I have decided that they’re out to get me and they’re gonna fly into me, and I don’t know what happens from there.

There is my fear of crickets and grasshoppers.

Super random.

Basically, if it scurries or flies, I’m out.

But those are like everyday random fears.

You know, people being afraid of bugs is a thing.

That Spidey Sense I Had Yesterday

Yesterday I talked about how I was skeptical.

And I was saying how it was one thing, just like one instinct-y thing, that kind of made me question something else.

And so I sat on it for a good portion of last night.

And then it came down to making a decision about staying or leaving my job this week.

And I decided that it was best for me and everything going on if I left and focused on getting ready to leave.

And that Spidey sense that I had yesterday?

Right on target.

I clocked that.

It was weird.

The response I got was weird.

The way that it came across was weird.

But I’m done dealing with it.

I Recognized How Afraid I Am of Upsetting Somebody

But then I recognized how afraid I am of upsetting somebody.

And I don’t mean like the kind of upsetting somebody where they’re throwing things at you or hitting you.

I think that’s naturally a reason to be afraid.

I am so fearful of hurting somebody, making them angry, disappointing them.

It is a fear of mine.

And the more I did things today, the more I recognized that fear.

I was so scared last night to put in my notice.

Although it’s a job.

You know, we get jobs, we leave jobs.

That’s how that works.

I don’t think I’ve ever given a notice and felt comfortable with it.

Because, my gosh, they’re gonna be mad at me that I’m leaving.

And while I know that I don’t matter in the long scheme of things, the idea of having to tell my boss that I am leaving terrifies me.

So I sent that email.

And I was just waiting for, like, the phone calls and the shaming to begin.

And while I didn’t get phone calls, I did get an email from my previous job.

Nothing like I was afraid of.

It was one of those like, “Hey, you know, we’ve heard nice things about you since you started. We understand the situation. You have to do what’s best for you. If you should ever need hours when you get back, let us know.”

Huh.

That was not what I anticipated.

That was weird.

But okay.

The Idea of Having to Ask That Question Made Me Feel Horrible

So then I’m looking for places to live.

Because, I mean, I don’t really want to live out of a car in California.

And I am talking to different people and I’m looking at different places, and I’m doing all the things that I need to do virtually because I can’t be there.

And I’m having these conversations about pricing and things of that nature.

And one of the guys came back to me and says, you know, this is the price of this room.

It’s California.

So it’s high.

To most people.

For me, it’s not high.

That’s what I’m used to.

I’m from California.

And it was suggested that I ask, like, “Well, hey, because I’m signing a lease for this long, could you knock the price down?”

And the idea of having to ask that question made me feel horrible.

Like, that’s gonna be insulting.

He’s gonna be angry.

Why would I ask that?

Which is weird, because if it’s me buying and selling something, I will negotiate.

I can haggle all day long.

But the idea of talking to somebody about apartment pricing?

That’s mean.

I can’t do that.

No.

No, thank you.

But I sent a message and then just kind of cowered in a corner until my phone went off.

And the guy’s like, “Yeah, I can lower it to this amount.”

That didn’t go the way I thought it was gonna go.

Same with another person that I talked to today.

I was like, “Well, hey, could you do this? Would you allow this? Could this work?”

And yeah.

How Many Times Have I Stopped Myself?

And then it kind of made me think:

How many times have I stopped myself from doing something because I was afraid of the result that wasn’t the actual result?

Do you know what I mean?

Like, I talk myself out of doing things often because I am afraid it’s going to hurt somebody’s feelings.

It’s going to upset them.

So I shouldn’t do it.

To heck with my feelings and what I’m thinking and how it affects me.

What’s more important is how it’s going to affect them.

I mean, let’s think about it.

This job, I’ve been talking about it for days now.

I’m super excited about it.

I can’t wait to do it.

And I almost backed out last night because I didn’t want to give my notice in fear of upsetting somebody.

That seems on brand for me.

I will set my feelings aside.

I will set my own interests aside.

To make someone else feel better.

And then I wonder why I feel so bad.

When’s the Last Time I Just Said Yes to Me?

When’s the last time I just said yes to me?

What’s that like?

What’s it like to say, you know what?

It’s okay that they are gonna be a little uncomfortable.

It’s okay that they’re gonna be a little upset.

They have a right to those feelings, and yet I’m still doing what’s best for me.

Today when I was talking about it, someone brought up that it isn’t my job to make sure that my job has staffing.

I’m allowed to leave.

I am not required to stay until they find someone to replace me.

That does not fall on me.

And I thought about it because, well, yes.

That’s true.

That’s not my responsibility.

Why do I make it my responsibility?

Why have I decided that I can’t possibly leave somebody or leave something that doesn’t suit me anymore?

Do I do that in relationships?

Yes.

Do I do that with people?

Yes.

I Do That With Jobs and People and Books

I do that with jobs and people and books.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve started a book that I did not like, but I kept reading because I felt obligated to read it.

Because, well, that’s rude that I got the book and I didn’t finish it.

Who’s gonna know?

Besides me, who’s gonna know that I didn’t finish the book?

Well, but the author took the time to write it.

The least I could do is finish it.

And as I hear myself say those things, it sounds ridiculous.

Right?

Like...

Why?

Why do I care so much?

I Am Tiptoeing Around People Who Would Never Tiptoe Around Me

And I think, again, it’s this system built off of fear, right?

You’re afraid to leave your job because you don’t know where your next paycheck is gonna come from.

You don’t know how your bills are gonna get covered.

And they prey on that.

But the minute that they have any type of discomfort with you?

Bye.

Adios.

They don’t have that same fear.

I am tiptoeing around people who would never tiptoe around me.

And when I put it that way, it sounds crazy to me that I put myself in that position.

I don’t deserve to be in that position.

I deserve to choose me.

But I think at some point in time, in all of the years I’ve been alive, I’ve convinced myself that choosing me is a problem.

I’m supposed to always choose somebody else.

I’m supposed to take care of everybody else.

I’m supposed to worry about everybody else and their feelings to the detriment of my own.

And I’m great at it.

So instead of really hating everybody else, I just hate me.

So apparently I’m not that good at it, right?

Because if, in the end, I’m doing things and it’s making me not like myself, that doesn’t sound like a win.

Doesn’t sound like I’m gaining anything.

Sounds like I’m making my life miserable.

I’m Afraid, But I’m Gonna Do It

So today, I said, you know what?

I’m afraid, but I’m gonna do it.

I was afraid to send my notice, but I did it.

I was afraid to reach out to people for housing, but I did it.

I was afraid to ask and haggle for rent, but I did it.

My bite of pie?

I kicked ass.

When it came time to do something, even when I was afraid, I did it.

And it makes me proud of myself in a way.

Because I know that I’m just, I really don’t want to make that person feel uncomfortable.

And then when it didn’t make them feel uncomfortable, I was like, my gosh.

I dodged a bullet.

For asking a question?

I Did Scary Things Today

My bite of pie is that I did scary things today.

Not scary in a sense that my heart stopped or the jump scare.

Scary in the way that I don’t know what’s gonna happen, and I don’t know how to buffer the feelings that may come from it.

I don’t like seeing people angry or sad.

And I hate it even more if I’m the reason.

Now, with that comes a caveat.

Because if you pissed me off?

I’m not so afraid.

And I’ll go back at you.

It’s only when I feel like it’s unwarranted to hurt your feelings that I’m afraid to hurt your feelings.

I mean, I’m the type of person where my boss made me mad.

He decided that I wasn’t doing my job to his liking and that I needed to clear out all the merchandise in the back room that belonged to my department.

I had already tried that.

I knew that it didn’t fit.

I knew that it didn’t work.

There was no room for it.

Tried to convey that to him.

He’s one of those, “I’m right, you’re wrong” kind of people.

Alright.

Let’s do this.

And so I did exactly what he asked.

He said, “That stuff needs to go out on the floor.”

Okay.

I can do that.

And I brought it all out.

And I stuffed some of it on the floor and I threw it into shelf space where it didn’t belong.

And then when it was time for me to clock out, I walked my ass back to the time clock, walked right past him, clocked out.

He tried to say something to me, but I said, “Off the clock,” and kept walking.

I found out later that he wasn’t very happy about the stuff I put on the floor because it didn’t fit.

It was full.

It wasn’t needed.

So almost like I knew how to do my job, right?

And Meant It. With My Whole Chest.

Going forward, he and I had this really just prickly relationship.

He’d say something, and I’d instantly roll my eyes.

That’s who I am as a human.

And I remember we had inventory come up, and we have to watch the people who are counting our inventory.

So we’re walking with everybody, and somehow he ends up in the area that I’m in.

And we’re talking about our birthdays, and we’re both September babies.

And I make the comment of, with me, I either like you or I don’t like you when you’re a Virgo.

It’s either we get along great or I can’t stand you.

There’s no in-between.

And so I’m like, “Well, that makes sense then because, you know, you’re a Virgo. You’re just one of those ones that I hate.”

And he’s like, “Well, my mom’s a Virgo and she loves me.”

And I looked him dead in the face like, “Well, because she’s required to. She gave birth to you.”

And everybody looked at me.

And then everybody looked at him.

They’re like, “Damn, did you really just say that?”

And meant it.

With my whole chest.

It is what it is.

I am not shy if you piss me off.

But if it’s unwarranted, I’m afraid to say it.

I’m hesitant to say it.

I don’t want to hurt your feelings.

I don’t want to make you sad.

I don’t want to cause you any kind of ill will.

As long as you stay on my good side.

And I like to think, for the most part, it’s really easy to stay on my good side.

I tell people that you get to choose.

I can either be your best friend or your worst enemy.

And it’s always your choice.

Choose carefully.

Because once you cross that line to worst enemy, there is no coming back.

At all.

I’m not afraid then.

I’m just downright mean.

And generally speaking, at that moment, can’t say that I care.

Scary Doable, Not Scary Impossible

So how do I get to be not mean or abrasive, but how do I go from being the scared, timid me when I don’t need to be and embracing that I don’t give a fuck?

Sorry.

I think it takes practice.

I think it’s gonna be me forcing myself to do things when I don’t want to do them.

I can ask that question.

Yes, I’m sorry for causing you the discomfort, but it was really important that I ask.

I don’t have to be mean about it.

I can handle myself with a dignity that says, okay, yes, this is scary.

But it’s scary doable.

Not scary impossible.

You will not catch me climbing a mountain.

Rock climbing makes no sense to me.

To me, that is scary impossible.

On the flip side of that, I would love to go skydiving.

That is scary fun.

I don’t know how I distinguish the two in my head.

But in my head, one seems reasonable and the other one seems crazy.

Which is basically how my brain works.

My Bite of Pie

So today, I did the hard things.

And then I treated myself to my favorite food.

Mexican food.

It was delicious.

I’m thinking I must have been hungry because I ate my food in ten minutes flat.

Which is probably not healthy.

I will never go through a butterfly float.

Those are scary.

I won’t even walk through the butterfly area of the zoo because I’m afraid one will land on me.

I’m horrible.

My favorite season is fall, and yet moths freak me out.

So I’m just an anomaly.

And I understand that.

And that’s always how it’s gonna be.

But my bite of pie is that I did scary things today.

When it came time to do something, even when I was afraid, I did it.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Skeptical Me: Everything Was Fixable

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever questioned everything that you thought you knew when nothing’s changed?

It’s like the people you trusted, you no longer trust.

The things you believed in, you no longer believe in.

I feel like I’m going through that right now.

There’s Just That Slight Tinge of “I No Longer Trust You”

So today, ordinary day.

Get up, go to work, you know, the usual.

Stopped for breakfast with my kid, laughed, joked, dropped him off, went to work, had a great day at work, interacted with everybody just fine.

Got off of work, came home.

Again, everything went well.

But there’s just that slight tinge of, mmm, I no longer trust you.

Now, this person didn’t actually do anything differently.

Didn’t say anything differently.

Hadn’t acted differently.

But for some reason, my Spidey senses are up.

And I don’t know if they’re up because of everything that’s happening, or if there’s really something going on that I’m extra cautious about.

I tend to lean towards trusting my intuition.

And I don’t know how to move with that.

I don’t know whether to say something, whether to do something, to act on it, or to just let it play out.

With everything currently going on in my life, my thought process is: I won’t deal with it for much longer, right?

Even if it’s something bad, it shouldn’t affect anything else that’s going on in my life.

I can just move past it.

My Head Says, “Let’s Investigate”

If only that’s how my head worked.

Because my head says, let’s investigate.

We need to know what we think we know.

We won’t settle until we know what we think we know.

Today, I am trying to challenge that thought process.

I am trying to challenge the fact that I need to find out every detail of the situation.

And just say, you know what?

It doesn’t matter.

It’s not gonna affect me.

It’s not going to weigh on me.

It’s not gonna bother me.

It doesn’t change anything in my life for me to act on this new suspicion that I currently have.

But I just feel so skeptical.

I just feel...

Like in this moment in my life, everything’s on the table for questions.

Again, things that I just trust and believe in.

I believe that I’m a good mom.

Today, despite doing good mom things and having a great time with my child and having another one of my children call me and say, like, “Hey, Mom, I need you. Can you help me?” and I was there to help, I still feel like they probably would be better without me.

My husband has been singing my praises today.

I made dinner.

I made turkey meatballs from scratch.

And they were really good.

I mean, they usually come out pretty good.

It’s a pretty easy recipe.

And my husband was like, “Dinner was really great tonight. Thanks.”

Why?

You’ve never liked this meal before.

Why all of a sudden do you like it now?

I am just questioning everything.

Mental Health Is Doing Mental Health Things

And then there’s the other little signs, you know, that mental health is doing mental health things.

When you think you see something scurry across the floor, but nothing’s really there.

So, what do I do about it?

Do I take the necessary precautions, make an appointment with my doctor, and say, “Hey, I’m a little concerned that these things are happening?”

Or do I say, “Hey, let me fall back and see if something changes?”

If you are deep in the trenches of mental health, you say, “We’re gonna see if something changes.”

That’s the safest answer for us.

Is that the healthiest answer for us?

No.

No, it’s not.

But it makes us feel better to think that we can handle it and we can take care of it on our own.

And I’m under the guise that, well, there’s so much stuff going on that clearly that’s gotta be what the issue is.

I don’t actually need to see my doctor.

Right?

I mean, it’s just my intuition telling me that something’s off.

Right?

How Do You Handle It?

How often do you do that?

How often do you have a firm grasp and belief on something and then you’re just like, mmm, something... I don’t feel so good about that today.

And then how do you handle it?

How do you manage those relationships, those issues, when something like that arises?

We can’t always just dump it and drop it and move on.

I mean, I had the fortune of doing that because I am moving, right?

But what if I wasn’t?

Then what would I do?

I can’t quit every job—although I’ve tried—every time someone sets off the Spidey Sense.

I can’t run and hide from people just because something seems off about you.

In the real world, we don’t get the chance to do that.

I still have to show up to my job, unfortunately.

I still have to pay bills.

I still have to be available to the people who need me most, my family.

Despite the fact that I’m just like, ugh, I feel like if we manage to step out of this house, something’s gonna go wrong.

Does It Affect My Life?

But how do you control that skepticism?

How do you reel it in so that it’s not so bad and not so wild?

For me, I think it looks like doing exactly what I’m doing today, which is:

Does it affect my life?

If I don’t address this, if I don’t touch it, if I don’t talk to it, if I don’t move it, if I just leave it be, what’s the worst that could happen?

And the answer is nothing.

This person has no power to do anything.

This person has no power to change my life, to change my employment, to change my bills.

Absolutely nothing.

Which means being skeptical of them doesn’t benefit me or hurt me.

It doesn’t bring more into my life by me jumping in and saying, “Well, I feel this kind of way about you.”

Sometimes what’s more important is protecting your peace.

I’m not always great with protecting my peace.

I Am Learning to Take Care of Me First

I think that’s what has been the big difference in doing this podcast and in making these moves.

I am learning to take care of me first.

You saw me days ago.

I was a big crying mess.

Today I’m not that same person.

Each day, little by little, I process my feelings.

I process what’s going on, and I say, “Hey, here’s how we can handle them going forward.”

If I’m going to do that for anybody else, I have to learn how to do that for myself.

So my child called me today in a panic.

Upset, crying, hyperventilating.

I said, “Hey, it’s okay. Take a deep breath.”

And she took a deep breath.

And I said, “This is a fixable problem.”

Even now when I think about that, it gives me chills.

Because most problems that occur in our lives are fixable problems.

We don’t think about them as being fixable because when we’re in the thick of them, they just seem overwhelming.

They seem like they’re looming over us and there’s nothing we can do about it.

But in all honesty, most problems are fixable problems.

I Could Stress About It, or I Could Find Some Way to Fix It

If I’m stressed about money—which many of us are—I get that.

I am too.

So my thought was, okay, so I’m gonna take this job.

It’ll bring me in substantially more money.

But while I’m taking this job, I can also work a part-time job to help bring in even more money without sacrificing my self-help, seeing my family, and doing things that I love.

Right?

So the idea was, my God, what if I move and finances take a hit?

I could stress about it, or I could find some way to fix it.

I’m so used to getting into that cycle where I just get stuck on it, where I just worry about it and I fret about it, that it’s hard to get out of that cycle of, let’s do something to fix it.

I Didn’t Actually Want It to Be Changed

My relationship with my husband is a perfect example of that.

For me, it was me getting upset because he doesn’t do certain things.

Well, I’m up on Saturday morning doing chores.

Why is he still in bed?

And then I thought about it and I processed it.

The things I’m getting up out of bed to do, I don’t really want his help with.

I don’t really need his help with.

Not only that, but at the end of the day, I love being able to get it done and sitting on my couch and just relaxing.

I don’t have to talk to anybody.

I can watch the shows that I like.

All that time I was being skeptical of something, but I didn’t actually want it to be changed.

It was a fixable problem.

But until I’m willing to realize that it’s a fixable problem, it just stacks up and it adds up and it’s overwhelming and it’s hard to do anything with.

I Don’t Have to Chase It

So today, what am I working on?

Recognizing fixable problems.

Today I’m looking at things and saying, “Hey, I feel some kind of way about it. I’m not sure that I trust it. I’m just going to leave it alone.”

I don’t have to let it consume me.

I don’t have to chase it.

I don’t have to figure it out.

I get to just say, “You know what? I can just walk away from that and leave it be.”

I’m going to protect my peace.

And I hope wherever you are, you’re protecting your peace.

You’re saying, “That’s a fixable problem.”

Yes, that coworker and I may not get along.

The fixable problem may be to stay away from each other, go our separate ways, or, if need be, we’ll take it to HR.

Get HR involved to solve the problem.

It’s a fixable problem.

The answer isn’t run them down, talk about them behind their back, talk to them about another employee.

No.

Fix the problem.

You’re not trying to create more friction.

You’re trying to scale back your stress.

And that starts with fixing some of the problems.

I Have to Do What I Need to Do

So I recognized today that, again, that was a fixable problem.

And with my mental health, I am gonna reach out to my doctor.

Do I want to?

Not in the slightest.

No.

He’s a great doctor.

Love him to death.

He’s always on top of it.

I hate admitting when I might need extra help.

So I avoid it like the plague.

But if I’m gonna take care of me and I’m going to fix the fixable problems, then I have to do what I need to do.

Even when I don’t want to.

My Bite of Pie

So my bite of pie today, let’s see.

Me and my kid got up extra early and got out of the house.

It was really weird.

So we were just like, mmm, McDonald’s.

Had breakfast, laughed and joked.

He got to school on time.

I got to work on time.

I had a good day.

I made fun of a friend, told him he should go back to work.

He won’t listen to me.

He’s not going to listen to me.

I think he loves his job, but he just secretly won’t admit it.

So whatever.

I had dinner with my family.

I cooked with my husband, sat down and ate dinner with my family, hung out with my kid, we played our games, we had our conversations, and then I sat down and I got to think.

Today, everything was fixable.

Everything that I had to interact with was fixable.

Even if something had gone wrong, had I been running late to work, how do I fix that?

Well, I call and say, “Hey, I’m running late,” but in the future I leave earlier.

It’s a fixable problem.

As I get more and more excited and stressed about my move, I’m learning to figure out what’s fixable, what I can control, and what I can’t.

Because I can’t do more than that, right?

I can only fix the fixable problems.

So that’s my bite of pie today.

And I hope, wherever you are, that you are dealing with fixable problems instead of tragedies, instead of things that just loom over you and feel so dark and gloomy.

We talk about it here all the time.

It’s one bite at a time.

And in that one bite at a time, we’re working with fixable problems.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Frantic Me: Trying to Be Everything for Everybody Everywhere

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever been so stressed out and still added more to your plate?

Mmm.

It almost becomes a game.

Like, how much more can I add before I drop?

And today, I've done a lot with that game.

So I am trying to get everything in order and everything prepared for the changes that are happening.

No big deal, right?

Easy peasy.

I'm Trying to Figure Out How I'm Gonna Make Things Work

I'm also trying to figure out how I'm gonna make things work out there, how I'm gonna make things work here, what I'm doing with my current job, what I'm doing with my family.

And then on top of that, today I was just like, my husband wants me to help him set up his computer.

Sure.

I've got time for that.

I am trying to be everything for everybody everywhere.

And I'm like, sure, let's take on some more.

My original plan was to exit from my job this week.

And then I felt bad.

So I didn't.

Despite the fact that I obviously have lots to get ready and to do here.

I just think it's my coping mechanism.

When I am worried, I take on projects so I don't have to process the feelings that are happening.

Which, if you guessed it, causes more stress and more worry.

There's just so many things I want to do.

I'm Still Leaving

I want to make sure that I see the people that I care about here before I leave.

I realize that I'm coming back.

Obviously, I'm coming back.

But it's still—I'm still leaving.

Like, I'm gonna be gone, guys.

I'm not gonna be able to see my family every day.

Not in person.

I won't be able to hang out with friends, although I don't actually do that now.

I just recognize it's going to be different.

And I don't know how to handle that emotionally.

I am worried that I am going to get back to California.

That's where I'm going.

And I'm going to burst into tears.

And I'm just gonna be overwhelmed by all my emotions.

Some of them good.

Some of them bad.

I think I'm obviously gonna mourn the fact that I'm not here with my family.

That's a big deal to me.

I am going to be excited to be there.

I'm gonna be really nervous about starting a new job.

I'm gonna be really apprehensive about seeing my mom.

We have a tumultuous relationship.

And I have put on weight.

And I know I'm going to hear about how much weight I've put on.

And I am not prepared for it.

I keep trying to get my mind ready for it.

And I'm not prepared for it.

I know it's gonna go badly.

I'm just hoping it doesn't end up with me in a corner somewhere.

But I have safe plans to help with that too.

I have not visited my family in years.

I Really Want to See My Dad

I really want to see my dad.

I really want to spend time with my dad.

I am daddy's girl.

I will always be daddy's girl.

He just has been my favorite person since forever.

Well, next to my mom and then his mom.

So I'm really excited to have the chance to do that.

I've got sisters and brothers over there.

So I'm really excited to maybe connect with some of them.

Hang out.

Meet my brother's wife.

I didn't get the chance to go to their wedding.

I just—I'm excited and I'm nervous.

Because I don't know how this is gonna go.

Let me be by myself.

I am going to be by myself.

I will have roommates because that's the situation I'm looking at now.

But it's gonna be scary.

I'm excited.

I Still Don't Know What to Pack

I still don't know what to pack.

Do I take all my clothes?

Do I take some of my clothes?

Do I pack for all the seasons, knowing that California doesn't get all the seasons?

I'm thinking to myself, sorry.

Do I take all my pens?

All my pens.

My safety net.

I could say no, not take all my pens.

But if we don't take my pens, that means when I get really anxious, what am I gonna do?

I'm gonna buy more pens.

Because again, coping mechanism.

I have all these feelings and they just knot up inside me.

And I don't know how to productively let them out.

I mean, idealistically, I would take all of this feeling and I'd go for a run.

But bugs.

And it's really dark on my street.

Like, I live in the country, so it's not like I'd be running on a sidewalk that's well lit.

I'd be out in the middle of nowhere with whatever deer and fox that were wandering around.

So I'm kind of excited for California for that reason because I might actually get into shape, guys.

I might actually run.

I might go to a gym.

You might see me on a journey that you have not seen me on yet.

We've Seen Me on This Mental Health Journey

We've seen me on this mental health journey.

We know that some days I'm really good, and other days I'm a crying mess.

I start off well and somehow end up bawling halfway through my journal.

But today I'm just—I think it's a nervous energy.

You see me fidgeting because I, again, I don't know.

I don't know how to keep the feelings calm.

I go back and forth on my decision every moment.

Well, it could be positive if I do this.

Well, it could be positive if I do that.

Well, there's the negative side to this.

Well, there's a negative side to that.

I recognize I have a great opportunity.

It's a wonderful opportunity.

I am so excited to be able to go back to the place that I called home for so many years, get paid to be there, and see my family.

It Is Not the Ideal Situation

It is not the ideal situation.

If I could take my kid with me, I would.

In a heartbeat.

Unfortunately, I can't do that.

Most of you know why.

I just—

Things are so close to being exactly how I want them and then something always happens.

And I feel like that's the story of my life.

I get just close enough to what I want, and then something happens.

So I have this home and my dogs and my children and all that.

So I get this job that puts me back home and my family.

I'm Choosing Between My Family and My Family

So I'm choosing between my family and my family.

I don't know.

It just feels wrong.

And a part of me wants to be happy about it.

But then I feel like I don't have the right to be happy about it because there's so many people who aren't gonna be happy about it.

Yeah, they're happy for me.

But they're not happy.

And that makes me sad because I don't like disappointing people.

And I think that's my concern.

My concern is that I'm disappointing all those I care about.

Even today, when I was trying to get things set up for my husband's streaming, I got most of it taken care of.

There was one piece I couldn't finish before he started tonight.

And the first thing I did was beat myself up over it.

And I'm just like, I'm so sorry.

I'm so stupid.

I can't believe I didn't get this done.

Like, I don't understand why it took me so long.

And he was just, hey, you know, it took me two weeks to figure out this piece for my streaming.

And I'm like, right, but I'm not you.

I'm really good with technology.

And I don't mean that as a slight to him.

I'm just really good with technology.

And the fact that I couldn't figure it out quickly enough for him to do what he wanted to do tonight—

I'm Gonna Critique Everything That I Do Heavily

I think that for the next little while I'm gonna critique everything that I do heavily.

One, because, I mean, mental health says that everything I do is wrong.

Two, my birthday's coming up, so you know what season it is.

I just am extra hard on myself.

And I'm being extra hard on myself now because I've got so many things to get done.

And I have them listed, like, in my head.

If you could see the file decks in my head of all the things that I have prepared to take care of, to get done, to check off—

And then to see me do everything but the thing that's on my list.

I Am Great With Procrastinating

I am great with procrastinating in the sense that I will put things off forever.

And then when I have to get them done, I will get them done.

So again, I have a running list of what I'm packing, what I'm taking, all of that.

I have not started in any way, shape, or form with packing or taking anything with me.

I know that I need to get some things taken care of here.

I want to get stocked up and taken care of and ready for my family.

Haven't done that.

I feel like I need to make lists and plans.

And I haven't done that.

I feel like that's the repeat of my life today.

I haven't done that.

I am not as prepared as I want to be.

And it's stressing me out.

And because it's stressing me out that I'm not as prepared as I want to be, I try to control the things that I can't control and don't do the things I need to do.

How often does that happen?

How often do you say, like, hey, I really need to get this thing done?

I don't like it.

It makes me feel uncomfortable.

So I'm gonna do anything but the one thing I need to do.

That's where I'm at.

There's No Starbucks Where I Live

And I can't even give myself the motivation I would usually give myself.

Because usually it'd be like, well, if you get this done, you can have Starbucks.

There's no Starbucks where I live.

The nearest Starbucks is thirty minutes away.

I really shouldn't be driving thirty minutes away to, like, reward myself.

I know that.

I know that.

I do.

However, I am not getting anything accomplished.

That's not true.

I did get something accomplished.

I Got All My Journals Listed

I got all my journals listed.

All ten of them.

They're up on Amazon for the world to see.

And then I took care of my husband's stuff.

And I made dinner.

I was gonna make meatballs.

And then I was like, you know what?

I'm out of pepper.

So I sent my husband to the store to get pepper.

In my head, I had said, I should probably check the cheese.

Didn't do it.

He gets home, and as soon as he walks in the door, he's like, hey!

So he's like, we might need something else.

We might need something else.

So I checked the cupboard and, sure enough, the cheese I needed wasn't there.

And so now I'm, like, scurrying.

So he's like, go back out and get it.

No.

It's not worth it.

We can do it tomorrow.

I'll make it work.

But what am I gonna make for dinner tonight?

We Had French Toast for Dinner

I have picky-ish eaters in the sense that my kid has a sensory issue, as do I with certain things.

And my husband doesn't like vegetables.

He eats like a five-year-old would.

No vegetables.

So what I cook for dinner is fairly limited on what I can get them to eat.

So I was like, great.

I could make fish, but I don't have any sides to go with that.

Because it's not like I have potatoes.

And I had mac and cheese for lunch.

I wasn't doing that again.

So I thought, you know, I'll make French toast.

So we had French toast for dinner because Mom was so scatterbrained that she didn't get the stuff she needed to make the dinner she wanted.

She will have it tomorrow.

Maybe.

Idealistically.

We'll see what happens.

I Just Know That I Need to Calm My Brain Down

I just know that I need to calm my brain down.

And I know that that's gonna start with me breathing.

Giving myself the chance to breathe in and breathe out.

And that sounds ridiculous.

And I know how ridiculous it sounds.

And yet my brain will do everything but settle down and breathe.

I just have twenty moving pieces that I'm stressing myself out more.

So my plan is to make an actual list.

Not just the running list in my head.

Because that's usually what I do.

I make a running list in my head and say, okay, I need to take care of this.

But I can't see it to check it off.

Which means it gets to change.

So, like, hey, you have this stuff to do today.

Well, but you have this other stuff to do today.

And it's a running list, so whatever comes on can be added.

Versus a this-is-your-list-of-stuff-you-have-to-do.

Check it off.

I'm gonna need one of those.

Because I'm Me, I Want to Overstock My Fridge and Freezer

I also, because I'm me, want to, like, overstock my fridge and freezer before I leave so that my family can eat.

I know that if I make pre-made food for my husband, he'll eat it.

I just—

I know I cannot pre-cook meals from here to eternity.

I get that.

I want them to feel like I'm still here.

And I want them to feel like I'm still a part of their lives.

And I'm worried that I won't be needed.

And I won't be as important anymore.

And then people will forget why they had me around to begin with.

So I throw myself into being busy.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I took my kid to school where we laughed and joked.

I got myself a donut and a coffee.

Two coffees.

They're the Starbucks jar ones.

I don't count them as a reward.

I hung out with my dogs.

I helped set up my husband's computer.

He's out there cheering.

I can hear him from here.

I did a job interview.

Six minutes.

And I am almost certain I got the job.

Today I didn't do the things that I needed to do.

But I still did things.

And I think that it's important that we give ourselves credit, even if it wasn't exactly what we wanted it to look like.

So, no, I didn't do all the things that I need to get done.

And that's out of fear.

But I give myself credit for the things I did accomplish.

Because I recognize that with me leaving, I only get so many days of making memories before I'm not here.

And as important as it is to pack up all my stuff, I'm not against shopping for new clothes.

Let's be real.

I know where the outlets are.

Michael Kors.

I'm not against having to replace a few things that I need to replace.

I can't replace my family.

So that's my priority right now.

That was my day.

Hectic.

Frantic.

All over the place.

But today I didn't cry.

Today I laughed and I smiled and I had a good day.

And I'm hoping that tomorrow will be a lot more of the same.

But it's me.

So there's no telling.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Unchosen Me: One Person Isn’t Everybody

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever sat and wondered why you were so hard to love?

What made others choose another option over you?

I have.

I do.

It's a battle that I fight constantly.

And if I'm being honest, most days I lose.

Today has been rough.

I Keep Asking Questions I Already Know the Answers To

I'm still not feeling very well.

I had things I needed to take care of this morning.

My husband wasn't feeling great either.

We had an errand to run, so I drove.

And while we were on the road, I was making conversation.

Talking about all the things that I want to do.

How we should do them.

How to make them work.

What the schedules would look like.

The whole thing.

And at best?

I felt like I was meeting resistance.

He says he wasn't feeling any sort of way.

I'm not one to question that.

That's how he feels.

That's what he's saying.

Maybe his head was hurting.

Maybe he just didn't feel like talking.

But I kept asking questions.

Questions that I already know the answers to.

He's Not Wrong

A little while ago, he was here in my office.

He said that we keep having the same conversations over and over again when I already know the answers.

He's not wrong.

We do.

I do.

I keep asking questions hoping that the answer will be different.

And the answer is never different.

Tonight I told him that the reason I ask questions and have conversations over and over again is because people grow.

Answers change.

But tonight?

I'm hearing him say his answers aren't changing.

The Problem Isn't That I Don't Hear Him

The problem isn't that I don't understand him.

The problem is me.

I'm waiting in hopes that one day the answer is different.

Even though I know the answer won't be.

He's very right about that.

He's very honest about that.

It's the same conversation.

I don't know why I keep expecting the answer to change.

The Logic in My Head Makes Sense

For me, I've convinced myself that the reasons why the answers are one way are because of something fundamental.

And if that thing fundamentally changes—

then the answer will be different.

The logic in my head makes sense.

I believe it with all my heart.

All my mind.

But just because I believe it doesn't make it true.

That's How Mental Health Works

We believe in something so hard.

Whether it's good or bad.

We just have an unwavering faith in it.

And we don't know how to let go of that belief.

I have had the belief since I was a little girl that nobody wants me.

That no matter who comes into my life—

nobody would choose me.

I Have Great Friends

Let me clarify.

I have great friends who would walk the earth for me.

And I appreciate that so much.

But that's never what I mean when I say I'm not chosen.

Yes.

I have great friends.

That's not the same thing as a family.

I recognize that friends can become family.

But you're always going to mourn that family that you were supposed to have.

I Wasn't Chosen

I'm one of seven kids.

Nobody talks to me.

It's just what it is.

I don't expect more.

I don't get more.

Then I date.

And I keep looking for the person to choose me.

I think that's why I've had the relationships I've had.

Because someone was going to choose me.

I wasn't going to give up on that.

And then I met my husband.

And he chose me.

But He Chose Me

I used to believe that.

Then things became different.

You learn that being chosen looks different.

The concept of how you're chosen changes.

As a kid, it was your mom and dad showing up to your games.

Your performances.

That's how you knew they chose you.

That's how you knew you were special.

Being Chosen Looks Different as an Adult

For your husband or your significant other, it looks like taking an interest in your day.

Your life.

Your interests.

What's going on with you.

What's new.

What's changing.

It also looks like knowing fundamentally what they want and helping them achieve those goals.

That's where my chosen feels broken.

I Just Wish I Didn't Have to Do Them Alone

I have a ton of goals.

Things I want to accomplish in life.

From afar, my husband does support them.

He's very much:

Go after the things you want.

And I appreciate that.

I just wish I didn't have to do them alone.

I didn't want a partner so that I could do things by myself.

I Thought We'd Make Time for Each Other

When I thought of a relationship and a marriage, I thought it would be where you just wanted to interact with each other.

I'm not one of those:

You have to be on me 24/7.

I'm not even a big physical touch person.

But I assumed it would look like us making time for each other.

Making time for the things that we wanted to do.

That would be important.

Sometimes One Person Gives More

That's human nature.

Some days I'm going to give 10 percent.

He's going to give 90.

And vice versa.

But it should be vice versa.

It should be between the two of you.

Not just on one person all the time.

And man—

today I felt very unchosen.

It Feels Like More and More He Chooses to Be by Himself

He was tired.

He said he was going to nap.

Okay.

He got up from his nap.

Then kind of sat by himself.

Okay.

It feels like more and more he chooses to be by himself.

And then I remember that given the opportunity to hang out with me or be by myself—

I'd probably be by myself too.

I Don't Know How to Make Myself Lovable in the Way I Need

I don't know how to make myself likable or lovable to somebody in the way that I need to feel likable or lovable.

I can be a good friend.

I think.

I can be very helpful.

Very compassionate.

I'm a very good listener.

I'm a good problem solver for the most part.

I think those qualities as a friend are great.

They work wonders.

As a spouse?

I feel like they leave you wanting much more.

His Answers Don't Change

I feel like he wants much more than what he got with me.

He is right.

He has the same conversations over and over.

His answers don't change.

And I just end up with my own feelings hurt.

He'd rather not hurt my feelings.

So it's easier just not to have the conversation.

Life Doesn't Always Turn Out the Way You Imagined

You get this idea in your head of what you imagine life to be like.

What you'll be when you grow up.

What your house will look like if you bought a house.

How you'd raise kids if you had children.

Then life sometimes has this cruel trick where your life doesn't turn out anything like that.

Today I Feel Unchosen

I feel like I could disappear and nobody would notice.

Nobody would care.

And I know that's not true.

I know there are people who would notice.

I know there are people who would care.

When I say no one—

it's usually referring to very specific people.

It's always the same people.

I Wish the Love I Receive Outweighed the People I Feel Don't Want Me

I wish that would change.

I wish all the love that I do receive—

all the people who do care about me—

outweighed the couple of people I feel like don't want me.

I wish that's how that worked.

I wish in mental health it was so much easier to focus on the positive than it was the negative.

Unfortunately, that's not how that works.

There Are Two People I Keep Wanting to Pick Me

I have great friends who support me in all my endeavors.

They're like:

Go.

Go do the things you need to do for yourself.

But there's my husband.

And there's my mom.

Those are the two people I keep wanting to pick me.

And they're the two people I can't impress.

They're the two people who aren't reaching out to spend more time with me.

They're the two people who probably know the least about me.

I Still Find Myself Fighting for It

Despite knowing that's not really a relationship I want—

it's still one I find myself fighting for.

Fighting myself against.

Hurting myself for.

My Bite of Pie

Today was a hard day.

I tried to make myself feel better.

I took a nap.

I watched movies on my couch.

I made it all nice and dark in my living room while I listened to the thunderstorm.

I love thunderstorms.

That was my bite of pie.

It wasn't anything big.

I didn't move mountains.

I didn't change lives.

I enjoyed a thunderstorm.

I listened to the rain.

I didn't dance in it like I wanted to.

But that's okay.

One day I'll get back to dancing in the rain.

One Person Isn't Everybody

Today I bit back the feelings that said nobody wants me.

That nobody cares.

And I corrected it.

From:

Nobody.

To:

The person that it feels like doesn't.

Because one person having an opinion isn't everybody having an opinion.

It isn't everybody's feelings.

My bite of pie today was not catastrophizing it.

It was saying:

They're entitled to feel how they feel.

And I can't do anything about that.

I'm Done Having the Same Conversation

I can never make those answers change.

I will never make those answers change.

That conversation will continue to be the same as long as I continue to have it.

And honestly?

I'm done having it.

I have big decisions to make.

I'm going to sit down with the people who matter most and make those decisions.

Because it doesn't just affect my life.

It affects people that I care about.

And I am going to rewrite my story one page at a time.

Over and over again.

Until I get it right.

Today is another page in the story.

It doesn't have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Sick Me: Taking Care of Me Is the Ultimate Thing to Do

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Do you ever wake up feeling like you were in a full-fledged fight in your sleep?

As if your body just went through these physical paces.

It just feels sore.

And painful.

This morning I woke up and I was in terrible pain.

I went to sleep at a fairly decent time.

I went to bed fairly easily.

I pretty much slept through the night.

There were no issues with that.

But at some point in time I woke up and I had this splitting headache.

And I couldn't shake it.

It Was Bad Enough I Needed to Take Something

Generally speaking, I am not a huge fan of medication.

I just don't want to take it if it's not absolutely necessary.

The night before last, when I went to bed, I'd taken my meds and some Aleve and said:

Okay.

It was bad enough I needed to take something.

And I laid down.

I got up this morning and everything just hurt.

I felt nauseous.

My head was pounding.

It hurt to move.

If I turned my head too quickly, it felt like my brain moved slowly.

I was just suffering.

I Went Right Back to Sleep

I got up and went to my couch.

I said:

Okay.

I'm going to lay here for a little while and see if that helps.

Knocked out.

Went right back to sleep.

When I woke up from laying on my couch, I said I was going to try moving around and doing a bit of things.

I came and sat in my office.

And I still just felt drained.

So I went back to bed.

This Is Obviously Not Working

At some point in time I decided:

Okay.

This is obviously not working.

I need to take more medicine.

So I took more medicine.

I laid down.

And I knocked out.

It's like six o'clock.

I don't get sick easily.

I don't get sick quickly.

My immune system's pretty intact.

So I am forced to believe that my being sick has more to do with mental than it does physical.

That is often why I get sick.

Recently I've Been Extremely Stressed

For those of you who watch my podcast regularly, you know that I've been dealing with some big moves and changes.

And it has me just exhausted.

I'm trying to figure out so many things in so little time.

All the moving pieces have to fit together so perfectly to pull it off.

And I'm wondering if I'm getting sick because I'm afraid to go forward.

Or if because I'm not supposed to.

Who's Going to Help Take Care of Me?

My first assumption in getting sick is:

Well.

If I get sick somewhere else, who's going to help take care of me?

I won't have anybody there.

Then I have to remind myself that I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself.

But I think my body and my mind right now are working together to convince me that I can't do anything other than what I'm doing right now.

I Look for Ways Out of Things

That happens often.

I look for ways out of things when I am not comfortable.

When I'm not brave enough to do them.

I look for excuses because that's the easiest way to back out of something.

Well, I had to because of this.

I needed to because of that.

When in reality—

I still chose to.

We Look for Something Else as a Reason

Oftentimes in mental health, we look for excuses for the things that we do.

And when I say excuses, I don't mean that we believe what we're doing is okay.

Or that it should be dismissed.

We just look for something else as a reason to make a decision.

Instead of it being that we left a bad situation, we stayed in that situation because:

Well, we owed it to everybody else.

It would have messed up too many things.

We would have broken up a family.

So on and so forth.

Logically, It Does Make Sense to Us

That's hard because you can't explain that to someone who's never been in that position.

You can't explain to them that logically, for us, it does make sense that we would stay in a situation that's rough.

Or hard.

Or harming us.

We can find a reason.

A healthy reason.

A healthy solution even.

Why that should be the case.

I've Stayed Because Things Aren't That Bad

I have stayed in many relationships because:

Well, things aren't that bad.

And:

If I would just do this differently.

If I would say this differently.

Then it would be okay.

But that's not really how that works.

Right?

It's Easier to Stick With What You Know

We don't look for excuses because we're wanting to stay in a bad situation.

It's just easier to stick with what you know versus what you don't.

The unknown is really scary.

I can't plan my way out of things that I don't know are going to happen.

Right?

So I am put into a position where I either fly—

or I fail.

Failing Is Really Scary for Me

It's really hard for me.

And today, my bite of pie was taking my meds when I needed them the most.

It was acknowledging that I don't feel well.

That I'm not doing well.

And that I needed to give myself some time to heal.

To feel better.

Today I Took Care of Me

That meant not getting a lot of the things done that I wanted to do today.

But taking care of myself.

At some point in time, I have to remember that taking care of myself is the ultimate thing to do.

Yes, I have laundry.

Dishes.

Meals to plan.

I have a schedule to make for me and my family.

Ultimately, none of that stuff can happen if I'm not taking care of myself.

And today I decided to do that.

I took care of me.

My Podcast Is Even Later Tonight Because I Took Care of Me

I knew I was going to do it.

I wasn't going to avoid it.

But I also knew that I needed to make sure I had the strength to do it.

I get on here in the most honest form that there is.

I'm not going to make myself up.

I'm not going to pretend to be happy.

I'm not going to pretend to feel well.

I don't feel well.

My head is aching.

I feel nauseous.

I could probably lay down right now and go right back to sleep.

Although I've slept all day long.

Sometimes the Biggest Support Is Someone Saying, I Know

I think it's important in mental health that we see people show up even when it's hard.

We don't pretend like everything's fine.

Sometimes the biggest support we can get is someone saying:

Okay.

No.

I do know what you're going through.

Because that's exactly where I'm at.

Today?

That's where I'm at.

Today I Slept

I don't have a funny story or giggle.

I don't have some fun anecdote to tell.

Today I slept.

Today I took care of me in the best way that I knew how.

Sometimes that's what it takes.

Sometimes it's looking at yourself and saying:

Hey.

I'm going to choose me today.

And today I was forced to do that.

My body said:

We are doing that today.

We are giving ourselves the much-needed time to sleep and catch up to what's going on in our head.

We Don't Have to Put on a Mask

For those of you who feel like you have to constantly show up and be perfect—

for those of you who feel like every day you have to put on a mask and present to the world that you're okay when you're not—

no.

We don't.

We can show up and still do the things that we need to do while still acknowledging where we're at.

I'm sitting here.

I'm talking to you.

I'm having this conversation while knowing that my stomach does not feel well.

While knowing that I am just exhausted.

But I was able to show up to this capacity.

Writing in Your Journal Isn't the Same Amount Every Day

I'm not jumping around.

I'm not moving around.

I'm not screaming or hollering.

The podcast won't be as long as it usually is.

But writing in your journal isn't the same amount every day.

Some days it's just checking in and saying:

Hey.

I made it through the day.

Today's one of those days for me.

Today Was an Off Day

I didn't feel well.

I didn't get the chance to do anything because I just needed to rest.

And today I took the time to do that for me.

Because taking care of me is as important as everything else in my life.

If not more.

Since I can't do anything if I'm not taken care of.

My Bite of Pie

I hope your bite of pie every day is you taking care of yourself.

We talk about it here.

Sometimes that bite of pie looks like getting out of bed and taking a shower.

That is taking care of yourself.

That is a step in the right direction.

Today, my bite of pie was taking my meds when I needed them.

Acknowledging that I didn't feel well.

Giving myself time to sleep.

Giving myself time to heal.

Taking care of me.

Today is another page in the story.

It doesn't have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Silent Me: Being Alone When You’re Around People

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever thought that it would be easier to make moves, make plans, follow through with them if nobody knew about them?

The idea or the plan would just work better with the least amount of people knowing.

With everything going on, I find that I've been very quiet about the details of things.

I've told very few people what the job entails.

Where it has me going.

My parents don't know, despite that being one of the main factors.

I haven't told people when I plan on making the changes.

How I'm planning on making the changes.

They're in my head.

I know how I want it to happen.

I have a plan.

And I know how I want to execute it.

The More People Who Know, the More I'm Going to Falter

I think people have already counted me out.

They expect me to fail.

Give up.

Turn around.

I think that if I let myself share the details, I'll let someone talk me out of them.

So I've stayed silent.

But in my silence, I've noticed things.

And I don't know if that's just me being emotional or vigilant.

But I notice things.

Things that cause me pause.

Not necessarily concern.

Things that have me picking at myself more often than they should.

Things that bother me.

Saturday Means Laundry

We know in my household that Saturday means laundry.

I love my routines.

This morning I got a phone call at 5:30 from one of my kiddos who needed to talk.

And if you know anything about me, I answered that phone call.

I sat on the phone.

I think I fell asleep while I was on the phone.

So I'm sorry to my kiddo for that.

But they knew that if they needed to call and talk to somebody, I'd answer.

And I did.

We were on the phone for quite some time.

I Asked for an Emotional Support Donut

I asked my husband to get me a donut the night before.

I called it an emotional support donut.

Because last night was hard.

Yesterday's podcast was hard.

I got off my podcast and distracted myself.

Then it got harder.

And it was harder to distract from it.

When it was all said and done last night, I asked for an emotional support donut.

My husband said sure.

We could talk about what was going on when he was done working.

This morning, by the time he got done playing poker and got me a donut, I was on the phone with one of the kids.

He came in.

Listened to me talk to them.

And then he just kind of went to bed.

Today It Made Me Emotional

We had some things I needed to take care of today.

I knew he probably needed sleep.

So I suggested that we push it back to tomorrow so he could get the sleep that he needed.

He said okay.

He set his alarm.

And that was kind of it.

I went back to bed.

When I got up, it was probably ten-ish or eleven-ish.

I finally felt recharged enough to get up and get moving.

So I did.

I got up.

Went to the bathroom.

Started planning how I wanted my day to go.

My husband asked if I was okay.

And yeah.

I am okay.

Then he went to the bathroom.

And out of nowhere—

he closed the door.

Typically, that act in and of itself would not bother me.

Today?

It made me emotional.

Am I Bothering You?

I was like:

Why'd you close the door?

Why do you need privacy?

You're just going to the bathroom.

I don't understand.

Then I did that thing you guys know I do.

Where I ask questions that I shouldn't ask.

I said:

Am I bothering you?

And he said:

Yeah.

So I walked away to give him the privacy.

When he was done, I went and took my shower.

A good portion of my shower I spent feeling angry and upset because my husband considered me trying to interact with him as bothering him.

And I realized how ridiculous that sounds.

He Has the Right to Ask for Privacy

I recognized instantly that he has the right to ask for privacy without it being a slight to me.

But for some reason this morning?

That's how it felt.

So I continued my shower.

Washed my hair.

Did the whole process.

Calmed myself down.

It's not that big of a deal.

You're probably making something out of nothing.

Great.

The Day Still Felt Off

Then me and the dogs went out to the living room.

We hung out.

We did our breakfast.

My dogs and I have a Saturday routine where we do big breakfasts together.

And we just kind of chill until my husband gets up.

Around three-ish.

Four-ish.

But again, the day still felt off.

Something felt wrong.

It's almost as if I am looking for a reason to be upset even though I do not want a reason to be upset.

There are just little things that get to me.

Little things that are bugging me.

And instead of brushing them off—

I am dwelling on them.

It's Football Season in My Household

My husband is a huge Chiefs fan.

Has been since he was a little kid.

It used to be that he was very adamant about me watching with him.

Oh my gosh.

You have to watch with me.

You have to watch with me.

You have to watch with me.

I'm not the hugest football fan.

I'm okay with it.

But it's not my go-to sport.

Still—

it was nice having him ask me to join him.

If We Had a Nice Spread of Food, I'd Be There

For the longest time, we joked about it.

Well, if we had a nice spread of food, I'd be there.

And that was the joke.

This year he hasn't seemed to care whether I'm there or not.

So I asked him about it today.

The game today.

He said:

Yeah, I thought about watching it.

And I said:

Okay.

Are we going to have any kind of food there?

He said:

No, we just have leftovers.

I said:

But the deal has always been that if I'm going to watch the game with you, we're going to have a nice spread.

And he said:

Yeah, well, you know, I was just thinking this and this and that.

And I said:

Okay.

I Didn't Need Anything

He had come to ask me about going to the store.

So I said:

Can I just go with you?

He said:

Yeah, sure.

You can go along.

So we left.

We walked around.

I didn't need anything.

I was just going to spend time with him.

And again—

things seemed prickly.

I kept thinking:

It's got to be me.

It's got to be the stress of everything going on.

I Didn't Want to Add More Stuff to Him

We finished up at the store.

He was supposed to go to Subway for our kid.

I wanted to stop at Scooters.

He just seemed so agitated.

And I was like:

Nope.

Never mind.

Forget it.

Not in a mean way.

Not mad.

Just:

You seem upset.

I don't want to add more stuff to you if you're already upset.

He said:

Well, I'm frustrated.

And I said:

Okay.

I understand that.

So I'll skip the portion of my stuff that I wanted to do.

Grab a drink.

Get tacos.

I'm Not in the Headspace for That

He asked:

Are you okay?

You seem kind of anxious.

And I said:

I'm a bit anxious at this point.

He said:

I'm sorry I made you anxious.

And I said:

It's just—

you're upset.

You seem angry.

You're snappy.

And I'm not in the headspace to deal with that.

He asked:

Do you want to go?

And I said:

Yeah.

I'd just like to go home.

It's fine.

We Tried Again

So we made plans and went home.

Then the plans changed again because we weren't able to get Subway while we were out.

I suggested:

You seem to be calmer now.

Would you like to try again?

He said yes.

So we tried again.

This time it went off much better.

We got to the places we needed to get to.

We got through it.

But he still felt distant.

I Don't Know How Else to Describe It

I'm just kind of waiting for this moment where we tell a joke and laugh.

Where we interact with each other.

Where we enjoy interacting with each other.

And it doesn't come.

We got back home.

I ate my lunch.

He wasn't really interested in eating at the time.

He took care of a few things.

He came back out.

He called his son.

And at that point he wasn't really interacting with me.

So I came back to my office.

The Running Joke Didn't Happen

The joke had been all day long that during the football game I was going to take a nap.

Joking.

Because again:

Oh my gosh, I don't want to watch the game.

And:

Oh my gosh, I want you to come join me.

It's been our running joke for a long time.

The game started almost an hour ago.

I went up to the living room to kind of see what was going on.

He's laying there with his headphones in.

The game playing on his phone.

Pillow between his legs.

He doesn't notice I walked into the room.

I wait.

And I wait.

The dogs kind of nudge at him.

They look at me.

He's just—

out.

I'm guessing he was half asleep or asleep.

So I came back to my office.

Being Alone When You're Around People

And again—

it's this dreading feeling.

This:

Being alone when you're around people feeling.

The idea of him getting up at the time he gets up is so that he can spend time with family.

Yesterday I asked him to do something.

He was busy because he had to work.

He plays poker online.

I said:

Okay.

Then I was really upset about something else.

He came into my office.

Saw that I was upset.

And I said:

Do you want to just hang out with me?

He said:

I wish I could, but I have to work.

And I said:

Yeah.

Okay.

I understand.

I wasn't expecting you to stop.

I Know He's Trying to Get His Business Off the Ground

He said:

I know I haven't spent a lot of time with you recently.

I'm just really trying to get this off the ground so we can pay our bills.

And I'm like:

Yeah.

I know.

And that's where it's been for like the last month.

He's doing what he needs to do to get his business off the ground.

It's poker.

So it takes a minute.

That doesn't make me upset or bitter in the slightest.

But at the same time—

I feel secondary.

I Don't Even Know If Secondary Is the Correct Term

Because I've felt secondary to lots of things in our relationship.

And I feel like I've just gotten pushed further and further down.

He's got all these things going on in his life.

But that's just it.

It's his life.

And it's my life.

We don't have it in our life.

So again—

it's just noticing all the things.

And wondering if I am building them up in my head because mental health does that.

Or if I'm experiencing what I'm seeing.

I'm Trying Not to Jump to Conclusions

It's really easy to do.

It's really easy to go in swinging.

Angry.

And that's tiring.

I don't have the mental capacity to do that today.

That's why I said:

Let's just turn around if you're going to be upset or frustrated.

I don't have the space to argue and fight today.

Or listen to anybody argue and fight today.

So I was just going to tap out.

But it's weird to me that even with knowing the changes happening—

this is still the distance while I'm sitting right here.

What Does That Say?

What does that mean?

I know I don't have to look for a meaning in everything that I do.

But my brain functions when I understand things.

And I don't understand it.

I may never understand it.

Sometimes I have to accept that I may not get the answers to questions that I have.

Not everything has a neat bow in it the way that I want it to.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was talking to several of my kiddos.

It's really touching that I meant enough to them for them to keep in contact with me.

I always hope that I had that effect on people.

But I'm never certain I had that effect on people.

The fact that three of my kiddos called me today and were like:

Nope.

We just want to talk to you.

Feels really good.

I love it.

My kiddo at home—

when I picked him up last night, he was with his friend and said:

This is my mom.

He said it jokingly.

But just hearing that felt so good.

So reassuring.

My bite of pie has been my kiddos.

The interactions with them have been top notch in the last twenty-four hours.

And I got my laundry done.

Which to others isn't that big of a deal.

But for me, there is something satisfying about finishing my laundry and putting it all away.

Yes.

It's weird.

I get that.

I just like doing laundry.

Not Everything Comes in a Tidy Little Box

That's my bite of pie today.

Realizing that not everything comes in a tidy little box.

Gift wrapped.

With bows on top.

I don't always have the answers to everything I want answers to.

Such is life.

I hope that wherever you are, you're not just staying silent.

You're letting people see you.

You're not hiding away.

Because while I'm not hiding, I know that what I'm doing also isn't the healthiest.

I just don't know where to go from there.

So instead of staying completely silent—

I share my journal.

For those who listen to my journal:

They know what I'm doing.

They hear me.

They see me.

They love me.

They care.

And for those of you who don't know me personally and still show up—

I appreciate you.

A lot.

It's nice to know that there are people out there who understand.

That they're going through similar things.

I hate that you guys are suffering through some of the mental things that I'm going through.

But I'm thankful that we're not alone.

Today is another page in the story.

It doesn't have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Hurt Me: Growing Hurts. It’s Okay.

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

How do you continue to love when your heart has been broken so many times before?

When I think of what my heart must look like, I imagine something very damaged.

Very cracked.

Very chipped.

Something torn and tattered.

Bruised.

Used.

Thrown away.

I am struggling.

Because something that should make me extremely happy is making me feel very sad.

What I'm Really Feeling Is Unloved

The title of today's podcast is Dear Hurt Me.

When what I'm really feeling is unloved.

But I know I can't say that.

I can't say:

Hey, Dear Unloved Me.

Because I'm going to get messages saying:

You're loved.

You're wanted.

You're cared for.

And it's not that those messages are untrue.

It just doesn't feel that way at the moment.

I feel very alone.

And scared.

My Words Seem to Be Landing Harder Than I Want Them To

I feel like I'm having to be extra cautious about what I say to people.

They can see that I'm upsetting others, although I have no intention of upsetting them.

My words just seem to be landing harder than I want them to.

Since finding out that I got the job, I have asked three different people if they want to come with me.

Each of them, for their own very logical and very precise reasons, said no.

I don't hold any ill will against that.

I don't think that was the wrong choice on their part.

I understand why they did that.

It makes a lot of sense.

And even though logically I understand it—

it reminds me how alone I am.

I Make Choices Based on What's Best for Somebody Else

I rearrange life a lot of the time based on somebody else.

I'm not bitter about it.

It's who I am.

It's who I've always been.

I don't know how not to be that person.

I enjoy it for the most part.

But today I was talking to a friend about it.

I made a comment about how I had asked three people to go with me.

I don't think the comment came out the way I meant it.

The response I got was:

Well, only one of those people should have said yes.

What It Felt Like Was That I Didn't Deserve Anybody Else to Choose Me

Well.

That hurt.

I don't really want people to uproot their life for me.

I don't think that I'm worth that.

In the slightest.

I never have.

But in the back of my mind—

I hope for it.

Just that little sliver of hope that says maybe one day somebody would want to choose me.

And I think that's what hurts.

I Just Wanted Someone to Choose Me

I took a minute before I responded because I knew my feelings were hurt.

I didn't want it to come off like I was trying to attack.

I said that everyone deserves someone to say yes and follow through.

Whether it's romantic or not.

I think what was misconstrued from that message was that I was saying that person should have said yes to me.

That's not what I meant.

I was saying, in my own way:

I just wanted someone to choose me.

And that's not happening.

I'm struggling with that.

Hurt Me Knows How to Scare Me

There have been several times just today that I thought about backing out of my decision.

Then I remind myself that's why I need to do it even more.

I find myself trying to talk myself into all the things that can go wrong.

Why this won't work.

The hurt me knows how to scare me back into submission where I should be.

Hurt me doesn't let me live.

She keeps me afraid enough to stay where I am.

No movement.

Today hurt me is very loud.

It's almost like she's standing there just screaming in my ear.

I'd like to turn it off.

I'd like to turn it down.

But it's something I get to live with.

I Still Did the Things I Needed to Do

I went to work and had an okay day.

I came home and took care of some business.

Then I picked my kiddo up from school blasting Hamilton because he loves Hamilton.

We laughed.

We sang on the way back home.

We talked about his event that he was going to tonight.

His baking, because he baked some goods to take with him.

Then I dropped him off.

He's there enjoying himself, I hope.

And I am waiting to go pick him up.

They're Just Words

While I was waiting, I was talking to my friend.

And I was struggling with that conversation.

Much like I do a lot of conversations.

My friends are quick to tell me how much I matter.

How much they care.

How much they're always there for me.

And I know those words to be true.

But it always feels like:

I'd do anything for you.

Isn't really anything.

That makes sense though, right?

They're just words.

And at some point in time I have to be able to discern what's just words and what's the truth.

I Like to Think That I'm Important to People

I'd like to think that I am meaningful.

That I've done something in their life to make them appreciate me being around.

What I feel like now is that I'm just going to disappear in the abyss and nobody's going to notice.

I'll just have been someone they knew at some point.

If they even remember.

And I think it's that reason that I have to stay with my decision.

I need this.

And I know I need this.

I've Lived This Life for Thirteen Years

I know that it's going to be really hard to walk away.

Because this is what I know.

I've lived this life for thirteen years now.

And although I'm not going away forever—

it's a temporary assignment—

it feels really heavy.

My birthday's coming up.

And at this point I'm not excited about it.

That's a big deal.

I'm always excited about my birthday.

Since I can remember.

But now it just makes me sad.

Who am I still supposed to spend it with?

Will anybody remember?

Do people only know about my birthday because I constantly talk about it?

I Can Make Lists for Things

I know this weekend I'm going to have to do a lot of work.

Not so much on physical things.

On being able to manage my emotions.

I don't want to spiral.

I can't afford to spiral.

I have to get things in order.

Make plans.

Make lists.

What I'm taking.

What I'm leaving.

I can do that with things.

I don't know how to do that with people.

I Keep Wondering How I Can Keep Putting Myself Out There

When it always ends so horribly.

To me, that sounds like the mental illness.

That you can get hurt over and over again and still try.

If anything ever makes me question that something's wrong with me, it's that.

I continue to give people chances.

I continue to hope they'll show up for me.

That they'll choose me.

That they'll want me.

Knowing that I rarely choose and want myself.

And this time I'm doing something different.

I'm Rewriting the Story

I'm hoping the ending is going to be something worth waiting for.

Even if right now it just hurts.

Even if right now it just makes me unbelievably sad.

I think that is the hardest part of getting better.

As you get better, you walk away from the things that make you not good to begin with.

The things that make you sad.

Or sick.

Despondent.

Lethargic.

We Are Experts in Withdrawal

There are those of us who have never touched drugs.

And yet I feel like we are experts in withdrawal.

We are so used to the hurt and the pain and the chaos that it's harder for us to let that go than it is for us to get ourselves together, be strong, and walk away.

I hope that I'm doing the right thing.

I know that I'm doing the right thing.

But it doesn't make it easier.

It makes it scary.

If It's Worth Doing, I Have to Try

And for me, this is worth doing.

The benefits of doing this outweigh the loss.

I will get to see my dad.

Who I haven't seen in years.

And while at my age that doesn't seem like a big deal—

when I am the most stressed out, when I am the most upset, all I want is my daddy.

And I know that this move, this decision, gets me time with him.

It means so much to me.

I get to see sisters and brothers who I haven't seen in years.

And friends.

I'm trying to remember all the positive reasons that I'm doing this.

All the good.

Instead of listening to the thoughts that are drowning me in my head.

Nobody Wants to Feel Like This

We talk about mental health as if it's this taboo thing versus what it is.

It's just a natural thing.

We can't help it.

We can't escape it.

We can't make it go away.

Many times, those of us who are struggling wish that we weren't.

We wish that we could stop it.

We wish we could just make it go away.

And if it were easy to do that, we would.

Nobody wants to feel like this.

Sometimes we do.

Sometimes we think it'll be the last of us.

That we won't be able to push forward and move on.

But we can.

And we do.

If I Could Survive Everything Else, I Can Survive This

I can be hurt and excited.

I can be sad and elated.

I can be all the things at one time.

And I get to decide when to focus on which one.

Tonight, because I'm sitting by myself in my office with my dogs passed out beside me, it's easy to be sad.

I don't have anyone to distract me.

It's easy to sit in my feelings.

Because that's what we do when we are really in this headspace.

We hide.

We either put on a really good mask so that people don't ask us about it—

or we just don't show our face.

Neither of those are healthy.

So I'm Showing My Face

As puffy and as yucky as it looks.

I am showing up.

I am showing out.

I'm cheering myself on.

My Bite of Pie

Today my bite of pie was a really big chunk of pie.

I let myself be sad.

And I didn't change my mind.

I didn't say:

Because I'm worried.

Because I'm scared.

Unless maybe I'm doing the wrong thing.

And back out.

I said:

Hey.

This is scary.

It's icky.

I don't like it.

But I'm still doing the right thing.

Growth sometimes is yucky and icky.

Sometimes it's hurtful and painful.

Growing hurts.

It's okay.

I'm going to enjoy my nice thick bite of pie.

I'm going to imagine it's pecan pie because it's my favorite.

True story:

I prefer pecan pie over birthday cake.

And I'm going to feel my feelings.

I'm going to process my feelings.

And I'm going to be okay.

I don't have to be okay now.

Or two days from now.

Or three days from now.

It's not a race.

I can feel better in the next hour and still feel just as sad when I go to bed tonight.

I'm allowed to do that.

And so are you.

Don't let anyone tell you that your emotions have to come at a certain time and stop at a certain time.

That's not how they work.

If you had talked to me earlier today, I seemed fine.

Just bouncing around and talking about TikToks.

Because I get some funny TikToks on my FYP.

That's how life goes.

We are human with emotions.

And they don't always look the same from moment to moment.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Brave Me: Giving Me Some of Me Back

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

How do you muster up the courage to do something when you're so afraid to move?

I have often wondered how to make that work.

How do I do the things that I know I need to do when I need to do them?

Today has been—

not hard.

But scary.

Guys, I Did the Interview

I told you yesterday about the job I was waiting to hear from.

Doing an interview.

What that would mean.

Where that would go.

And I was really excited.

And it worked.

Guys, I did the interview.

And I was offered a position.

And I was so excited.

So excited.

Because what that could mean is huge.

I Don't Know How to Comprehend How Great This Feels

This opportunity.

And then came the talk with my husband.

It's a conversation I had to have.

I sat down with him and told him:

This is what happened.

Here's what the offer is.

What do you think?

Where do you fall in all of this?

And man.

His answer just made my chest hurt.

Nobody Wants to Hear Their Partner Falter

He said that in the decision between staying and going, it was a really big decision to make.

And it is.

It absolutely is.

I don't deny that.

But nobody wants to hear that, right?

Nobody wants to hear their partner falter on something like that.

So I left it alone for a bit.

Are You Surprised?

I sat there thinking and finally said:

Well, are you surprised?

What I meant was:

Were you surprised that I got the position?

Because it's an opportunity.

His response was:

Am I surprised that every month and a half you look for a new job?

Okay.

I Didn't Go Looking for This Job

The difference here being:

I didn't go looking for this job, guys.

It is literally something that landed in my lap.

I randomly got an email about a random position that I didn't even know existed.

And then it just happened to work out.

But it stung.

I wanted him to be really happy and excited for me.

And with me.

That's not what happened.

His Gut Reaction Was That He'd Stay

I ventured again.

Because, like, gut reaction:

What would you do?

And he said he'd stay.

So I processed that the best that I could.

I got up.

I came to my office.

I closed the door.

And I called the people that I knew I could call.

I Needed a Distraction From Thinking About What Was Happening

Not so much to talk to them about what was going on or what was happening.

Much more so to be a distraction from having to think about what was happening.

I called.

They picked up.

They noticed immediately that I was distraught.

They asked several times:

Hey, why are you crying?

And I just pretended like I didn't hear.

They continued to joke and talk with me the best that they could.

Until a spider landed on me.

Then I freaked out about the spider.

And I kind of stopped the tears from coming.

But I'm Hurt

You guys have heard me talk about my marriage many times.

Even with all the things that I've felt about my marriage and how I feel about where our relationship is—

I still didn't see that coming.

I still wasn't expecting to be hurt.

I thought surely at the end of the day, as long as we were together, we'd figure it out.

I Thought Maybe This Time We'd Do Something for Me

I've stayed here a very long time.

My husband has a child here.

That's a huge part of it.

And that's been a lot of the reason why we've stayed in the area.

I understood that.

Never questioned that.

Things are different now.

And I thought that maybe this time we would do something for me.

You know?

His Support Counts for Something

He is supportive of me going and taking the position despite the fact that he doesn't like it.

And that counts for something.

I just don't know whether to be extremely sad or extremely excited.

I recognize that a lot of people are going to say:

Well, you can be both.

Right.

But depending on which one I focus on, it's going to show how I move.

I'm Trying to Be Brave

And I think that's what brave looks like.

It's doing the hard things even though you're scared.

Right?

I am preparing myself as much as I can mentally and physically.

I know that it's going to be a lot of big feelings.

And hard feelings.

And in-between feelings.

There are going to be times that I cry myself to sleep.

And there are going to be times that I'm just bouncing around with excitement.

At Some Point in Time I Have to Choose Me

I've been talking for a while about rewriting my story.

No time like the present.

I just always thought that in writing my story, someone else would be involved in it.

There hasn't been a talk of the relationship itself.

What that means.

How that affects it.

But you can feel something in the air.

You know?

So I get to learn how to be brave.

And possibly on my own.

I Don't Know How to Do That

I don't know what scares me more.

The idea of being by myself and having to deal with my thoughts.

Or having to take care of things on my own.

I know that I'm capable of taking care of things on my own.

I do it all the time.

Being left alone with my thoughts and my feelings?

That seems really scary.

That seems really hard.

I Know There Are Things I Can Put Into Place

I've got my friends.

I've got my doctors.

I can transfer services out there.

I've got family out there.

I've got friends out there.

It'll be an adjustment.

But it's not where I expected my life to go.

It's not what I expected to sit here and say.

And it's not what I was hoping would happen the way that it's happening.

But it's going to be okay.

I Can Do Hard Things

Right?

We can do hard things.

It may not always be easy at first.

I'm not pretending this is going to be easy.

There's lots of decisions.

Lots of moving parts.

And they have to happen relatively soon.

I get that.

I'm not naive.

But at the same time:

It's one day at a time.

One bite of pie at a time.

That's all I can do.

I Only Control One Bite at a Time

I can't make it move faster than I want.

I can't make it slow down.

I only control one bite at a time.

And right now, I am going to enjoy this bite of pie that I have.

I'm going to make sure that I'm doing the right thing for me.

Getting Pretty Felt Disingenuous

Originally, before I did my podcast tonight, I was going to get all pretty.

Do my hair.

Get all dressed up.

And that felt disingenuous.

Because that's not how I'm feeling.

I feel like curling up in a ball.

And sobbing.

I feel like calling all the people I know and telling them my news.

I feel scared.

I feel a lot of feelings.

And I don't know how to process them.

But I'm going to take my time with it.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was choosing me.

Something I'm not really good at.

Something that I have struggled with a lot in my life.

Something that I'm going to work on getting better at.

Choosing me.

And that starts now.

That might not look like what everybody else wants it to look like.

I may have people in my life who have very strong opinions and feelings about it.

And those are the type of people that I usually let stop me from dreaming big and moving along.

But this time?

This time it's for me.

I've Waited Almost 43 Years to Do Something for Me

It's got to be my birthday present to myself.

Giving me some of me back.

Editing my story.

Making it a story that I want to read and not escape.

So my bite of pie was a hard thing today.

But it was an exciting thing today.

And given the chance?

I probably wouldn't take it back.

I Just Have to Do What's Best for Me

I know that I sound like I'm probably going to cry after this.

And I most likely will.

Giving myself credit for not crying during it.

But I just have to do what's best for me.

That does not mean this stops.

God no.

Because I still have to write my journal every night.

That's been a strong piece of mind.

And I'd love for you guys to see what it looks like working through your mental health and going after your dreams.

Going after the things you want.

Choosing you.

I Hope That As I Choose Myself, You Choose Yourself Too

I hope that as I choose myself, I inspire some of you to choose yourself.

To do the things that you need to do.

So I thank you for coming on the ride with me.

I'm excited to see what happens next.

Where it takes us.

What we learn.

Today is another page in the story.

It doesn't have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear On Edge Me: Someone’s Gotta Choose Me. May as Well Be Me.

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever been anxious in a way that it was excitement and nerves?

Like the situation could go either way.

It could be really good.

Or really bad.

That has been my day.

I Was Putting Myself Out There

I had some news about a job last night, which I shared, that I was putting myself out there for.

And I didn't know what was going to come of it.

So I just kind of let it fester and went on about the rest of my night.

Today I got up and hadn't heard back from them, so I didn't think anything of it.

I went to work.

Had fun with my client.

He was a blast.

Giggly.

Playful.

The whole nine yards.

Then I got home.

And the nerves kicked right back in again.

This Opportunity Is Really Big to Me

Not in the traditional:

My gosh, more money.

Better hours.

It's just the way that it could change my life.

And I wasn't sure if that was something I was going to be able to figure out.

So I was trying to do all the things in my head.

Weigh the pros and cons.

And that's so much easier to say than to do.

I'm the kind of person who sees pros and cons generally very close to each other.

It's a pro that I can get a new job.

It's a con that I can get a new job.

Will I like this job?

I think so.

I think I'll love it.

Do I like the job I currently have?

Absolutely.

I love it.

I'm Kind of Sitting On Edge Here

I'm trying to figure out how I deal with all the nerves behind what I could do with this new job.

And if I should be offered an interview and then get said job:

How do I make the decision whether or not to take it?

I just don't know.

For me, it's researching.

I research all the things.

How it would change my life.

My family's life.

But I can't help feeling a little bit excited.

And a little bit nervous.

How Do You Make a Decision When You Don't Know How to Make a Decision?

You see in movies:

Just flip a coin and decide.

Okay.

But how do you flip a coin to decide such an important aspect of your life?

I've got friends here.

Family here.

And my decision could affect anybody and everybody all at one time.

I just don't know what to do.

I've Been Googling Up a Storm

I've decided somehow that instead of feeling my feelings when things get big, I will logic them out.

I will make lists.

I will look up things.

I will research.

Because I'm convinced that the more research I do, the clearer the answer becomes.

That doesn't always work.

Sometimes that makes my answer that much harder.

But it's exciting.

I realize that if I could get offered this position, I could potentially be doing something big for myself.

But Then Is It Selfish?

Is it selfish to say:

Hey.

This is a dream of mine.

And go for it when I know the dream isn't one that the rest of my family shares?

Do I ignore that?

Do I sit down and try to talk them into it?

Because I don't feel like that's the accurate answer.

I should never have to convince somebody else to go along with my dreams.

Do I give up my dreams?

It's Like a Rock and a Hard Place

There's so many things I want to do.

I'm sure that has become quite apparent with me doing Dear Journal.

I have Dear Journal.

I have my webpage.

I have my own business.

I have journals.

I have books.

I am a creative at best.

I am dabbling in something all the time.

Don't mind my fidget.

Again:

I'm on edge.

How Do I Have That Conversation?

I don't know how I'm going to relax my mind tonight.

I don't know how I'm going to take a step back and say:

You can make this decision on your own.

Because I'm not making a decision on my own.

There are people that it affects.

How do I have that conversation?

Where do I begin to have that conversation?

Hey.

This is something that I'm thinking of.

I don't know if it can work.

It's just an idea.

Nothing's been decided.

How do we handle it?

I don't know.

I've Been Convincing Myself for Years That My Dreams Aren't as Important

I know that I love the people in my life.

And I know that the people in my life, for the most part, love me.

My wants and my dreams are equally as important.

But I've been convincing myself for many years now that they aren't.

My dreams aren't worth pursuing.

The things I want aren't as important.

They can take a back seat to what everybody else wants.

And then it's right there.

Where you can just kind of touch the hem of it.

What do you do?

It's Something I've Been Waiting for for a Long Time

And I don't want it to be nerves that keep me from doing what I love.

But I also can see how that would work.

I'm so afraid that everything is going to fail that I don't make moves.

I'm terrified of making moves.

I saw a post on TikTok the other day talking about anxious attachment.

I'm very much an anxious attachment personality style.

It was saying how we can know that something's bad.

We can know a situation's bad for us.

And stay in it because we're afraid of the idea of being alone and having to start over.

Man.

Those words hit hard.

Do I Stay Because I Want to Be Here?

Do I stay because I enjoy being here?

Because this is what I want out of life?

Staying with the job that I have now?

Or do I say:

You know, this job can open doors.

Make moves.

Give me a life that I desire.

Do I say that I'm important enough to choose myself?

Am I Important Enough to Choose Myself?

I think that becomes the bigger question.

Am I important enough to choose myself?

Oftentimes I'm not.

Oftentimes I take far more into consideration what other people are going to think.

How it's going to affect them.

What they're going to want.

And I don't think that's a negative.

I think that's really good that I am able to do that.

I don't know if that is supposed to count more than my own vote.

When Did I Stop Wanting to Live Life for Me?

Trust and believe that I don't always want to live life.

I have done things in this life that I'm not necessarily proud of to try to make sure that I wasn't living life.

But I'm still here.

And I think the fact that I'm still here means that I should do something with that.

It seems silly to waste the fact that despite the tries, I still exist.

I still have these wants.

I still have these goals.

Things could change.

Things could happen.

If I give them a shot.

I Could Be Unbelievably Happy

I could travel the world.

I could live.

Laugh.

Eat.

Well, I mean, to be fair, I do those three now a lot.

But the point is:

I could say:

Hey.

You've always wanted this.

And you've gone for it.

You saw something that you wanted.

And you went for it.

You didn't let fear hold you back.

You didn't let all the things of yesteryear keep you from trying.

There's a Lot From Yesteryear

There's a lot from my past that makes me very timid about making moves and making changes.

I love structure.

I love things the way they're supposed to be.

When they're supposed to be.

How they're supposed to be.

Such a good job means changing that.

It means having to learn new policies.

New rules.

Meet new people.

Meet new people.

While I'm great with meeting new people, the idea of meeting new people scares the crap out of me.

How am I supposed to handle that?

How Do I Decide Whether I'm Important Enough for This Change?

I think part of it is that I have to keep telling myself that I am.

I have spent so many years telling myself that I'm not.

The very least I deserve is just as much time telling myself that I am.

That it's okay to have big dreams.

And to go for them.

That it's okay to want things that are different than others.

If I can use my platform to tell kids and other adults to go after the things they want and rewrite their stories, I should be able to rewrite mine too.

There is no reason why I should stifle myself.

This Is a Pep Talk to Myself

It sounds like a pep talk to me.

And it is.

My journal entry today is very much a pep talk to myself.

It's me needing to hear:

It's okay.

It's okay to want something.

It's okay to go after things that you desire.

You're deserving of it too.

Those words are so hard.

They're so heavy for some of us.

We don't know how to let ourselves have the things we think we deserve.

We've convinced ourselves everybody else is deserving of things.

Everything else is worthy of things.

Except for us.

I've Done a Really Good Job of Beating Myself Down

I've done a really good job telling myself that I deserve the bare minimum.

And you know?

I've gotten the bare minimum from a lot of people.

But it's never been worse than getting it from myself.

I don't want that anymore.

I want to live life.

I want to experience life.

I want to be able to say that I gave it my all.

That I tried.

I learned new things.

I felt new things.

I did new things.

I can't do that sitting in my own little corner.

I can't do that without putting myself out there.

I can't do that without rewriting my story.

I Don't Know Where This Job Goes

I don't know if they call me and say:

Hey, we want to schedule an interview.

I don't know if they say:

Hey, this sounds like a good idea.

Let's keep talking.

I don't know.

I do know I'm excited for the possibility.

I do know that this is one step closer to something that's been really important to me.

Something I've wanted for a long time.

I know that it makes me happy.

It makes me smile.

And it's been a while since I've just been happy and I've smiled.

I think that counts for something.

Go Ahead and Be On Edge

But try anyway.

Make the effort to do something for you anyway.

I reached out to the company.

I am waiting to hear back.

I have spoken with my current job about the possibility.

Now I just wait.

On edge.

But I wait.

And I accept that whatever is going to happen is just going to happen.

That doesn't mean it's a negative reflection of me.

It doesn't mean I'm a bad person.

It doesn't mean I'm not wanted.

It just means that for that moment, that wasn't for me.

And I get to keep trying to find some way to get to the things that I desire.

That I want.

That I deserve.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie is choosing me.

That feels different.

It feels weird.

But it feels good.

It feels right.

Someone's gotta choose me.

May as well be me.

If you're out there trying to figure out how you make these big, life-altering decisions, remember that you count for a vote.

Not for a vote for somebody else.

You are your vote for you.

You have to do what makes you happy too.

What feels right to you.

It's a big decision.

But you should be a part of it.

You should stop letting everyone else's life determine where yours goes.

They're not writing your story.

You are.

Be the hero in your story.

Today is another page in the story.

It doesn't have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Helpful Me: Maybe It’s Okay to Help Myself Too

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Do you ever catch yourself helping others at the detriment of yourself?

You tell yourself you're just being polite.

You're just a great person.

You're empathetic.

You know.

It's just to tell you who you are.

I'm like that.

I like to give until there's nothing left to give.

I also recognize that I tend to do that more when I'm hiding from myself.

Today Started Off Like Any Other Day

I didn't want to get out of bed.

But I did.

And I went to work.

Typical day.

I've learned some things about a few people that I was a little iffy about, trying to figure out how to balance that all out in my head.

It's not something that I like.

But it's not something that I can say anything about.

I kind of just get to ignore it for the time being.

I got a call about the job I applied to yesterday.

Really excited about that.

I got home and was able to relax.

Take a load off.

And then I went to help my husband with his business.

No Harm in That

I really enjoy helping out.

Especially when it comes to technology.

I'm really good at technology.

I like playing with it.

So that was fun.

But I also recognized that in doing so, I wasn't taking care of the things I needed to take care of.

I have a series of books that I need to fix.

You guys have been waiting for them to get online.

I've been excited for them to get online.

I've just been waiting for Amazon to approve them.

I got messages this morning saying that I need to fix the covers.

It's not a big deal.

Easy enough to do.

But for some reason, it just stopped me dead in my tracks.

It Reminded Me That I Failed at Something

Although I didn't actually fail at something.

They are ready to be published.

I just have to tweak one thing.

But it caused havoc in my brain.

Today I should have come home and sat down and worked on it.

Got it taken care of.

Quick and easy.

Fixed.

Today I took a nap.

I picked up my kid from school.

We went everywhere except home to do the work that I needed to do.

I Immediately Went to My Husband’s Office Instead of My Own

When I did get home, I immediately went to my husband's office instead of my own to take care of things.

Then I came into my office and it was like:

It's podcast time.

Which is great.

I love doing my podcast.

But I also had this insane feeling to run out of my office because it has to do with sitting down and contemplating how I'm going to fix this issue that I believe shouldn't have been an issue to begin with.

But hey.

I was being helpful.

I'm known to be really helpful.

Somebody Else Needs Something

Yes, there's bills to be paid.

But somebody else needs something.

Let me take care of that first.

Hey, this person seems to be sad.

And while emotionally I'm not doing well, I'm better off helping them than worrying about myself.

I'm really good at that.

Because, you know:

I'm helpful.

When Does Helpful Stop Being So Helpful?

When does helpful stop being so helpful and become more of an excuse or avoidance of doing something?

I help a lot.

I apply for jobs because they need the help.

I spend money because people need the help.

I do things that, if I really gave myself the time to sit down and think about, I probably wouldn't be helpful doing.

Not because I'm a bad person or a mean person.

But because I recognize that the resources that I'm using to help, I take from myself.

I Can't Remember the Last Time I Took a Bath

I have not sat down and taken a bath in ages.

I love taking baths.

It's always one of my things I do to relax.

It just kind of eases my mind.

I put on some headphones.

I can listen to a book or some music.

I can't remember the last time I took a bath.

I used to read.

I loved reading.

I love books.

And Then I Just Stopped

At some point in time, I convinced my best friend, who isn't the biggest reader in the world, that we should have a book club.

We listened to audiobooks together.

And then I just stopped.

And I know that it was me who just stopped.

Because if I tell him:

Hey, I've got this book we should listen to.

He's going to jump on it.

But I don't take care of myself that way.

I instead help others.

It's Always Easier to Look Outward Than Inward

If I was being honest with myself, I need a lot of help.

I need to learn when to say no.

Which is a really hard word for me.

I need to learn how to say stop.

I don't like that.

I don't know how to do those things.

It sounds so easy.

Stop.

No.

Don't do that.

I don't like that.

Those are easy words to say until it's time to actually use them.

And then I become mute.

Because I just want to be helpful.

Yeah, My Needs Aren’t Being Met

But I could be helpful.

Recently, with all the things going on, that has played in my head.

How helpful am I being to myself?

Am I ignoring the wants and the needs that I have just so outwardly I look helpful to everybody else?

That's great that to others I look like I'm being helpful.

I look like I'm a nice person.

But can you really be a nice person if you're not being nice to yourself?

I feel like that's one of those philosophy questions.

What Good Does It Do for Me to Treat Others Better Than I Treat Myself?

Yes, I believe that I can be nice to others and be a nice person when I'm mean to myself.

But I'm also doing myself a disservice.

What good does it do for me to treat others better than I treat myself?

We always say to treat others the way we want to be treated.

And I think that's an interesting concept.

Because oftentimes we will treat people really well.

But why don't we treat ourselves the way we want to be treated?

I Want to Be Treated Like a Princess

In the sense that I want to have baths run for me and sit and relax.

I want to prop my feet up and read a book and enjoy it without being bothered.

I want to go for walks.

I'd like to lose weight.

And theoretically speaking, I keep telling myself that's what I'm going to do.

Until it comes time to do something for me.

Then I'm like:

Ugh.

Somebody needs me somewhere.

They Just Really Need My Help

I have a person in my life who calls me whenever they need something.

That's the only time they actually call me.

And while it feels icky and I don't like it, I often say yes to that person because:

Well, they just really need my help.

I can't even remember the last time they asked me about me.

I don't think they've actually cared about me or who I am.

It's just:

I'm one of those people that always say yes.

Because I'm just helping.

When Does It Become Being Used Over Being Helpful?

I think it's a very fine line to walk.

It starts off as you just being a great person.

It starts off as you just being nice.

And then the person you're being nice to becomes so used to you being nice and helpful that they forget that you're human too.

Somewhere along the road, I forgot that I was human.

And that I was deserving of being helped and taken care of.

Instead, I take care of everybody else.

I Truly Treat Others the Way I Want to Be Treated

But I don't leave an expectation or a boundary that they treat me the same.

They get to treat me however they want to.

And I just accept it.

Because that shouldn't change how I'm acting.

And it shouldn't.

I will never be an advocate of:

Well, that person treats you bad, you should treat them bad.

My thought process there is:

Why would you want to be like them if you don't like their character?

I don't.

And you don't have to.

Leaving Is Hard

The option isn't to be used or to be mean to them.

It's be used or leave them altogether.

Leaving is hard.

Walking away is hard.

Saying no is hard.

But at some point in time, it's got to be easier than hurting myself.

Turning myself away.

If I treated others the way I treat myself, I'd be disgusted with me.

I wouldn't consider it helpful.

I wouldn't consider it nice.

I would really not want to be around that person.

And Yet I Still Treat Myself That Way

It amuses me to know that I can see that about myself.

I could say:

Hey, if I treated others the way I treat myself, absolutely not.

I don't want you in my life.

And yet I still treat myself that way.

At what point do we realize?

At what point do we decide that we are less than the people who are outwardly receiving our help?

At what point did I decide that I wasn't good enough?

Or I wasn't worthy enough?

At what point did I decide that I didn't feel loved enough?

I'd Like to Change That

And that's not an overnight change.

That's not a:

Let me run to my bedroom, change clothes, and then come back out as a different person.

Although that would be helpful.

It's slow.

It's steady.

And it looks like me sitting here and saying:

Hey.

I don't like that version of me.

That's not a version of me I want to keep around.

If that version of me isn't good enough for anybody else, she's not good enough for me.

I Get to Rewrite That Story

I get to rewrite that person.

I get to erase in my journal as many times as I need and say:

Mm-mm.

Different ending.

Don't like that.

But I have to do something about it.

I can't sit idle.

I can't ignore it.

I have to do something.

My Bite of Pie

I was thinking today as I was preparing my journal entry:

Well, what was my bite of pie today?

Did I do something worthy of saying it was my bite of pie?

But that's not how bites of pie work.

It doesn't matter how small of a bite of pie I take.

It's still a bite of pie.

Today, that looked like finding a pen in yellow that's really pretty.

It looked like purchasing new pens because I didn't have this color set yet.

It looked like spending time with my kid as we walked around Walmart.

It looked like getting all the stuff taken care of for my husband's business.

It looked like sitting here and realizing that maybe it's okay to help myself too.

That one's a big one.

That I can sit down and help myself too.

I hope that if you're sitting out there and you are contemplating all the ways that you could do something for somebody else because you care and you love them and you're an empath, that you remember that you're deserving of those things too.

That you should treat yourself as good as you treat anybody else.

Or better.

Because you deserve it.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Baffled Me: When Logic and Reasoning Don't Apply

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever tried to use logic and reasoning to understand something where logic does not apply?

Every time you think you get to it, you figured it out, something changes and lets you know that you didn't.

That's where my brain has been today.

Job Hunting Is My Self-Harm

I had an email come through last weekend about a job, and I was kind of curious what that would lead to.

For those who don't know, job hunting and accepting jobs is my self-harm.

I will do that in order to feel wanted.

My brain tells me that being able to interview for a job means that I got picked.

Getting the job means that they chose me.

It's a huge dopamine hit for me.

So I will apply for jobs and get jobs that I don't know how to say no to.

There's No Reason for Me to Go Looking for a New One

I responded to the email, although I love the job that I currently have.

There's no reason for me to go looking for a new one.

I set up an appointment to talk with them today.

I just kind of wanted to know more about it.

This morning they called me, and I got some information about it.

I instantly got excited because, wow, this job sounds really great.

It sounds really cool.

It's doing the exact same thing that I'm doing now with a bonus twist to it.

And I wanted more information.

I Knew I Shouldn't Have Gotten More Information

Because that opens the door to me wanting to get this job.

So I got more information.

I got excited.

I started asking questions.

And in my head all morning long, I'm trying to figure out how I can make this work.

How do I pull this off?

I don't know.

But I figured the least I could do was give it a try.

I Went Through the Whole Process

I sent my resume.

My certification.

I sent out references.

I went through the whole process as if I'm taking this job.

Because in my head:

Why wouldn't I?

Why would I turn down that opportunity?

And I was excited about it.

Obviously, If I'm Excited, He's Going to Be Excited

I couldn't wait to come home and talk to my husband about it.

Because again, that just makes sense.

Obviously, if I'm excited about it, he's going to be excited about it.

Right?

That's how that works?

No.

I know that's not how it works.

But if I can convince myself that's how it's going to go, I can stay excited.

I Was Already Upset

I got home, took care of the dogs, and laid down for a nap because I was upset.

This morning I was upset.

I took a shower, and all the bad things that I had played out in my head the night before were just living there.

I knew I was upset.

I knew I left for work feeling upset.

And I think that helped motivate me to look more into this position.

It Was Just a Clusterfuck

I came home.

I took care of the dogs.

I laid on the couch and watched TV.

I set my alarm so I could get up and pick up my kid from school.

My husband came in, and I was really startled because I wasn't expecting him to walk in.

He was just like:

What's wrong?

I was asleep and hadn't expected him to walk in.

So I jumped up thinking I had to go pick up my kid right then and there.

It wasn't time.

It was just a clusterfuck.

My Office Is My Retreat

I got my stuff and went to pick up my kid.

We talked on the way back about how great his day was and all the things happening at school.

The usual.

We got home, and I came into my office.

Because that's kind of my retreat.

When I don't want to be bothered, I come into my office.

Especially now that I have this new office.

Before, my office didn't have a door.

People walked by and would talk to me.

Which was fine.

I didn't mind that.

But having a door in my office leaves me to close it and just kind of be closed off from everybody.

And I do that intentionally now.

I've Got to Work on It

I've noticed that I close myself off.

Before, I was kind of inviting people in to talk to me and hang out with me.

I've got to work on it.

It's a work in progress.

If I Don't Get This Drink, I'm Surely Going to Die

I'm sitting here in my office, and I get this craving for a drink.

A drink I could go get myself.

But I'm not going to.

So I send my husband a message that's all do or die.

Like:

My gosh, if I don't get this drink right here, right now, I'm surely going to die.

You don't have to do it.

But it may be held against you at a later point.

He agrees to do it.

And we go together to get this drink.

He Doesn't Seem Nearly as Excited as I Do

Before we go, I'm excited and telling him my news.

And he doesn't seem nearly as excited as I do.

So I'm trying to figure out why.

What makes him falter in this great plan of mine?

He tells me:

This particular position will take you away for nine months, and I wouldn't be able to see you.

Okay.

That's fine.

And he says:

No, but I just want to see you.

I don't compute that.

I don't understand.

To Him, It Makes Complete Logical Sense

I recognize that to him, it makes complete logical sense.

And to me?

I am baffled.

I do not understand it.

He says:

That's it.

I just want to be able to see you.

And in my head, I'm using logic.

We Don't Really See Each Other Now

Right now we have opposite shifts.

He goes to play poker at seven or eight o'clock.

I go to bed.

I get up in the morning and go to work.

By the time I get up to go to work, he's going to sleep.

So we just kind of miss each other.

We don't really see each other now.

Then he says:

Well, I want to be able to touch you.

And my thought was:

We don't do that now either.

In My Mind, Nothing Changes

Last night he didn't have poker.

He wasn't playing poker at all.

But he still chose to stay up all night instead of coming to bed with me.

So in my mind, nothing changes.

There's no reason why we should not do this.

And I realize that I'm trying to apply reasoning and logic to something that, for him, may not have reasoning or logic to it.

For him, it's simply:

Hey, this is how I feel.

For me:

Nothing changes.

So why does it matter?

A Plus B Equals C

I get stuck.

I am a very logic-and-reasoning kind of person to the point that I will throw away any other suggestion or idea that contradicts it.

Because for me:

A plus B equals C.

And because A plus B equals C, why would I consider anything else?

Why would it make any sense to try to consider anything else?

It doesn't.

I Needed a Sounding Board

I came into my office and did what I usually do.

I found a sounding board.

I called my best friend.

I said:

I'm really baffled by this.

I need to hear from somebody else.

What are you thinking?

And I gave them the spiel.

The job.

The details.

Everything.

And without missing a beat, without me saying anything, my friend said:

You guys don't do that now.

And I'm like:

Okay.

So it's not just me.

Nothing Happens. Nothing Changes.

It's not just in my head that this doesn't happen and nothing changes.

That's just what it is.

Nothing happens.

Nothing changes.

And I don't know how to wrap my head around that.

Because I don't think he's lying to me.

I don't think I'm misunderstanding what he's saying.

I believe those things are important to him.

But for me, they aren't important enough to do anything about them while I'm here.

So why would it matter if I'm not here?

That's my logic.

It's Not Like I'm Gone Forever

There are vacations.

Weekends.

The whole nine yards.

He doesn't see things that way.

And I thought that was really interesting.

For me, it's just:

This makes sense.

Why would I not do it?

We Just Kind of Coexist Near Each Other

We don't sleep in the same bed together now.

We don't hang out together now.

Perfect example:

He's up somewhere in my house.

I believe he was going to the living room.

I've been in my office since we got back from getting gas.

We've barely talked or interacted.

And I recognize part of that is because I came to my office, shut my door, and that was the end of it.

I presume he's probably in the living room either laying down or playing on his phone.

That's just kind of what we do when we're home.

We just kind of coexist near each other.

I Don't Automatically Assume I'll Be Missed

Knowing that we're very different that way and that we don't really interact with each other, I don't assume automatically that I'll be missed if I'm gone.

That's not how my brain works.

Especially with technology.

You've got FaceTime.

We both have Apple products.

It's not like we can't FaceTime.

I'm not against a plane ride.

In my head, it's feasible.

It makes sense.

Because nothing actually changes.

I'm Trying Not to Trample Over His Feelings

I get really baffled.

I get really stuck in it.

And I replay it in my head over and over again.

I'm trying to figure out how to explain to him my thought process while not trampling over his feelings.

Because I'm not intending to do that.

But I know that for the last couple of days, my feelings have been really hurt.

And I think that kind of spawns where this goes for me.

Things Get Said and They Hit Me Really Hard

He doesn't necessarily say things with the intent to hurt me.

At least I would hope not.

But things get said.

Things happen.

And they hit me really hard.

Yesterday, he came to bed while I was getting up.

I made the comment that he sleeps better without me.

And he just kind of agreed to it.

For me, that turned into him saying that.

He said:

I didn't say that.

You said that.

No.

But you agreed to it.

Me Not Being Here Would Actually Be a Plus for You

If you're essentially better sleeping without me, then me not being here would actually be a plus for you.

Then we were talking about how I wanted a pedicure last night.

And he was not into giving me a pedicure.

That hurt my feelings.

Not because I didn't get the pedicure.

The Pedicure Represented One-on-One Time

For me, the pedicure represented one-on-one time where he actually had to interact with me.

It's the one time he can't necessarily overly focus on his phone.

Because you're touching my feet.

We're going to talk.

We're going to interact with each other.

That's why I set it up that way.

But of course, I don't say that.

I just kind of nudge, nudge.

This is why we should do this so that we can do it together.

I Don't Know How to Communicate That Properly

That didn't work out last night.

So that hurt my feelings.

Because it was:

How do I convey to somebody who presumably knows me that this is what I'm looking for?

This is what I'm wanting.

I don't know how to communicate that properly.

So I just didn't.

I went to bed upset.

His First Reaction Was to Laugh

He came to lay with me at some point last night.

I'm explaining to him:

This really bothered me.

It bothered me because you said this.

And his first reaction was just to laugh at me.

I don't think he was doing it to be rude.

But to me, it came as a slight.

Because I'm telling you that I feel upset or sad about something, and your first reaction is to laugh.

How Can It Be Important for Me to Stay Here?

I'm confused.

I'm baffled.

How can it be important for me to stay here if that is your reaction when I'm talking to you about how I feel?

I was a little perturbed by that.

I Show Up for His Dream

He's starting a new business.

He's working hard to get it going.

He's doing really well.

And I support that.

I don't always understand it.

I don't know the ins and outs of his business.

I know he enjoys playing poker, and that's what he wants to do.

So I say:

Go for it.

That's your dream.

Live your dream.

That Looks Like Me Supporting Him

That looks like me watching his Twitch streams.

Helping him set that up.

YouTube.

All the likes.

Which I've done.

No complaints.

Then I asked him last night:

So where are you with my podcast?

He said:

I'm like four or five episodes behind.

Okay.

That Felt Like a Slap in the Face

If I can get on, watch you, and support you daily, why am I not worth that same effort?

His thought process wasn't that he wasn't showing me effort.

It wasn't that I wasn't important.

His thought process was that my podcast was something he could watch in a bunch at some point and catch up.

But because I'm who I am, I watch that number religiously.

In a Perfect World, My Husband Would Be One of Those

One person streamed today.

Five people streamed today.

And when that passes, it's on to the next show to see how many people streamed that episode.

I'm not going back to see if the numbers rose in the other ones.

At that point, I've already clocked that only five people liked it.

Maybe.

And in a perfect world, my husband would be one of those.

That's not what I heard last night.

I Heard That My Business Adventures Didn't Mean as Much as His

Last night I heard that while I should support his things that he wants and back him up, he can do so at will with mine.

And it hurt.

It's not that he doesn't support what I'm doing.

He cheers me on.

He tells me good job all the time.

But it felt different.

Knowing that I show up for him daily and mine was kind of whenever he gets around to it.

How Do You Lose Something You Don't Have?

When considering all those things together, I hear this opportunity.

And it's baffling to me.

Why would you want me to stay?

I don't understand.

We don't interact now.

How could it be important to lose that?

How do you lose something you don't have?

That's how my brain works.

I Was Already in the Mindset That I Wasn't Loved

I recognize that for me, that has a lot to do with my mental health.

I was already in the mindset that I wasn't loved.

I wasn't wanted.

I wasn't needed.

I'm unimportant.

And because those things existed this morning, it was really easy to see this opportunity as a way to free myself from a situation.

Then I could just be by myself.

He could be by himself.

Everything would be fine.

Everything would be great.

It would give us the chance to live our lives by ourselves as we're doing now.

I Don't Do Wise Mind

I have the habit of either being really emotional with something or overly rational with it.

In therapy, we call it the three mindsets.

There's the wise mind, which is a combination of both.

There's the emotion mind, which I'm really good at.

And then there is a third one that starts with an R, but it's not registering right now.

But I do one or the other.

I don't do wise mind.

I can't be in the middle.

Either I feel all of this.

Or I feel all of this, so I'm going to do this other irrational thing to make up for it.

Fine, I'll Never Eat Cereal Again

Perfect example.

If you tell me:

You've been eating a lot of cereal lately.

My reaction isn't to explain:

I don't have the energy to eat anything else.

I don't have the mental capacity to go into my kitchen and cook.

What I'm going to say is:

Fine.

I'll never eat cereal again.

You will never catch me eating a bowl of cereal.

Everything Is Personal

That seems a bit extreme for:

Hey, you've eaten a lot of cereal lately.

But that's how I rationalize it.

I take everything as a personal hit.

Everything is personal.

No matter how unpersonal it is.

That's mental health.

We Hear the Things That Are Not Said

You can say:

Hey, you did a great job today.

And I'll hear the inflection in your voice that says:

You're just saying that because you're supposed to.

That's how it works in my brain.

Maybe That's Not True

He listens to my podcast.

And I'll ask what he hears about it.

It's:

They were good.

And in my mind:

Well, I know that on several of those podcasts, I was bitching about you.

So how do you take away that it was good?

Why don't you have questions?

Hey, why was this your thought?

Why did this happen?

Where was this going?

It seems to be a lack of interest.

But again, that may not be true.

It's just how I hear it.

That's how it makes me feel.

And because that's how it makes me feel, that's what I run with.

Mental Health Is Fighting the Thoughts Against the Reality

That's mental health.

Mental health is fighting the thoughts that you have against the reality that exists.

And it's a fight.

Constantly.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was that I had a good day at work.

I had a great time with my client.

And I came home and said:

You know what?

I'm taking a nap.

I'm going to lay down and rest before I get into something with somebody because I don't need to fight.

There's no reason for it.

I'm going to relax and let my mind calm down.

I knew that's what I needed to do.

Not everything has to be a fight.

I don't have to understand everything all the time.

As much as I want to.

And believe me:

I want to.

Today was just accepting things how they were.

I didn't like it.

I liked aspects of the day.

I did not like my day.

My day's not over yet.

I still have to have dinner.

I still need to take care of things for tomorrow.

Make plans.

And I will.

I wanted to work on my book today.

Haven't touched it.

But I will.

I'll take it one day at a time because that's the best that I can do.

That's all I've got.

Today is another page in the story.

It doesn't have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Passive Me: When You Are A Spectator In Your Own Life

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Have you ever had one of those days where nothing seems to go right?

It just seems like the universe is somehow against you, like it’s been plotting against you.

That has been my day.

When the Day Starts in a Panic

I woke up in a panic and then got back to sleep.

And then I woke up in a panic again.

My husband was gone, but I could have sworn that he had gone to bed next to me, so I was really disoriented.

He came back in, and I asked him if he would go get me a donut.

He obliged.

He came back with a donut and a coffee, and I proceeded to get ready to leave the room.

I remember talking to him about the fact that he sleeps better when I’m not in there.

He always tells me it’s because I sleep with the TV on.

If I would just turn the TV off and not make a sound, essentially, he’d be able to sleep.

I remember laughing it off because some people sleep better with their spouse and some others don’t.

I just happen to have one that sleeps better when I’m not around.

So I Went Back to Sleep

I went to the couch with the dogs and made myself a comfy spot.

I laid down and, sure enough, drifted back off to sleep because I was so tired.

A couple of hours later, I woke up and decided I needed to take care of things.

I took care of the dogs.

We went outside.

We walked around and just kind of lingered.

No big deal.

Then I came back inside and decided it was time to get some work done.

I came into my office, sat down, started to work—

And all of a sudden, my power went out.

Not the breaker.

The power in the whole entire house.

Apparently, Today Had Other Plans

Instead of getting work done, I sat here for a moment and contemplated what I was going to do.

My dogs were laying in here snoring beside me.

So I decided to take a page out of their book and lay down for a nap.

I went to my room.

My husband asked, “What are you doing? Are you coming to lay down?”

Yes.

And I swear I went right to sleep.

The power came back on sometime while we were sleeping.

His alarm went off.

I turned it off because he didn’t wake up.

No big deal.

Then I went back to sleep.

When I finally woke up, it was around four in the afternoon.

I got up, came into my office, and just tried to get a grasp on what today was supposed to look like now.

Because nothing had gone according to plan.

I Wasn’t Angry. I Wasn’t Sad. I Was Just Passive.

I sat here collecting my thoughts and decided that I still had to do the grocery shopping.

So I may as well get that taken care of.

I asked my family if they needed anything.

They gave me their list.

That’s usually how it works in my household.

I do the grocery shopping, figure out what everybody wants and needs, make the list, and order the groceries.

Today, though, I decided instead of having them delivered or picking them up, I would actually go inside and shop.

I asked my husband if he wanted to go with me.

He said yes.

We went to the store, got the things on the list, came home, and unloaded everything.

I started putting things away.

He went and sat in the living room.

I asked if he was busy.

No.

He wasn’t busy.

He was just sitting there.

Did I need help with something?

Well, you can start dinner.

So he came into the kitchen and started dinner.

I came back to my office.

And I was done.

I was just kind of sitting here.

Spacing things out.

Because for whatever reason today, I haven’t been angry.

I haven’t been upset.

I haven’t been sad.

It’s just passive.

That’s the best way I know how to describe it.

Passive Is the Calm Before the Storm for Me

For me, I know that when I’m in these passive headspaces, it’s the calm before the storm.

It’s me brewing over all the things that I think are happening.

The things that I think I’m hearing.

And rather than address it, I sit with it and go about my day.

So he made dinner.

When dinner was ready, we all sat down to eat.

I asked him what his plans were for the rest of the evening.

He told me and then asked what my plans were.

Jokingly, I asked again what his plans were.

Because what I wanted him to say was that he wanted to spend time with me.

Doing something with me.

Because that’s what Sundays are supposed to be for.

Except he acknowledged that he overslept today and that didn’t happen.

Tonight, I Just Wanted to Be Pampered

The joke became:

Okay, so if we spend time together, what are we going to do?

And tonight, I just felt like being pampered.

I don’t know.

I don’t know if it’s actually about being pampered or if it’s about the fact that when he’s pampering me, the attention is on me.

He can’t very well be doing something else while he’s pampering me.

But that’s my mindset.

So I joked about it.

I rubbed my feet against his.

He asked, “Do you want a pedicure?”

I said, “Thanks. You want to give me a pedicure? That’d be great. I’d love that.”

He laughed and said, “You know, you could just ask.”

And I said:

“Well, you could just offer.”

There Were Words Exchanged That Were Never Actually Said

I think there were words exchanged there that were never actually said.

Because all I know is that when the conversation was said and done, I no longer wanted to be pampered.

I just wanted to go to bed.

When I get into those headspaces where I don’t want to fight, it’s dangerous.

That means I’m writing off a lot of things.

That means I’m closing up shop and preparing for the end.

It means I don’t care.

And it’s not because I want to not care.

It’s just easier to not care.

I Know I Could Have the Conversation

Even as I sit here and process all of that, I know I could go back and have that conversation.

I could say:

Hey, this is how this came across to me.

This is how I internalized it.

This is what my thoughts were.

This is what I’m feeling.

But I know I won’t.

Not because I’m vindictive.

Not because I want to fight.

But because I don’t see the point.

I don’t feel like it’s going to go anywhere.

I don’t feel like it’s going to be helpful to me.

So I just sit passively.

And I Know What Happens Next

I know I’ll go to bed and feel some kind of way.

I’ll scoot to the edge of my side of the bed.

I’ll curl up with my teddy bear and pretend like someone’s holding me because it’ll help me calm down and go to sleep.

But I won’t be pretending that it’s my husband.

It’ll just be a way of disconnecting.

Then tomorrow, or sometime down the road, you’ll hear me write in my journal that my husband and I are disconnected and I don’t like the way our relationship is.

I know that I play a part in that.

I just don’t know how to get off the roller coaster.

I don’t know how to stop it.

I Don’t Want to Beg

In these moments, I feel like I have to defend myself for wanting something.

For wanting the kindness that comes along with someone wanting to do something with me.

And that’s when I hole up.

I get really frustrated because then I feel like I’m having to beg.

I don’t want to beg.

It starts to feel like I’m asking too much.

I’m wanting too much.

I have these requirements that can’t be met.

And I don’t know if that’s actually true or not.

It’s just how I feel.

It’s Been a Rough Twenty-Four Hours

Last night, I was talking to someone about hanging out in my office with the dogs and setting up a mini fridge so we would never have to leave.

They said something about me and my three dogs.

I only have two.

I lost my third dog back in June.

And just those words made me tear up.

I felt sad.

I felt lonely.

I wanted to be held.

But I knew there was no one available to hold me.

My husband was playing poker.

It wouldn’t have even made sense for me to ask him.

He wouldn’t have left.

He was busy.

So I did what I usually do.

I distracted myself.

I Distracted Myself Until It Didn’t Work Anymore

I found something else to keep my mind busy so that I wasn’t focused on what I was actually feeling.

And it worked.

Until it didn’t.

Something else happened and overrode the comfort I had built up to forget.

At that point, I just checked out.

I said I should go to bed.

My head hit the pillow and I was out.

Because it wasn’t just that I was physically tired.

I was emotionally drained.

I didn’t know what to do with any of my emotions anymore.

Today, I Just Watched Things Happen to Me

Today I was passive.

I didn’t bite.

I didn’t yell.

I didn’t cry.

It’s almost like I didn’t feel at all.

I just watched the things happen to me versus being a part of what was happening.

It’s a very dangerous place to be in—to be passive.

It’s almost like an out-of-body experience.

You watch something happen to you without acknowledging what it’s doing to you.

That’s my day.

I’m watching my life happen versus participating in my life today.

I Know What My Brain Will Try to Tell Me Tonight

I’m sure I’ll process more of this tonight as I go to bed and try to sleep.

Because that’s what my brain does.

I will find some way to soothe myself.

I will find some way to overcome the dark thoughts and ideas that nobody likes me.

Nobody wants me.

I’m not needed.

I’ll argue that with myself.

And we’ll see which side wins.

Recently, the more positive side has won.

And while I don’t feel angst or anger, I know there’s something lingering that I’m going to have to address.

I’m Not Going to Force Myself to Address It Tonight

I’m not going to force myself to do so.

I’m not going to ignore it.

I’m going to keep taking steps forward.

I recognize that today, not letting it consume me was growth.

I recognize that instead of fighting and just saying, “You know what? I’m going to let it just live there for a while,” is growth.

I’m not going to act on it.

I’m not going to yell.

I’m not going to scream.

I’m not going to fight.

I’m not going to pack my clothes when I want to.

I’m not going to run when I want to.

I’m going to just breathe.

And then wait for tomorrow.

See what comes of it.

Because It Really Is One Day at a Time

As much as I remind you guys, I also have to remember:

It’s one day at a time.

It’s not linear.

It’s all over the place.

So tonight, if you’re feeling passive—like something is bubbling underneath—know that you’re not alone.

It doesn’t always have to be explained in the moment.

Sometimes we just have to sit with it until we can figure out what’s coming or what’s happening.

And today?

That’s my day.

But I’m still okay.

I’m still here.

I’m still present.

I’m still alive.

I can still feel myself.

I can still hear myself.

I’m just not as much of a participant in my life today as I would have liked to have been.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was not letting everything consume me.

Despite the things that happened today that were out of my control, it wasn’t a bad day.

It felt good to take a nap.

It felt good laying on my couch and watching TV.

I used to do that often.

And I enjoyed it.

Today, I recognized that not letting everything consume me was growth.

Sometimes growth isn’t fixing everything.

Sometimes growth is not reacting.

Sometimes it’s breathing.

Sometimes it’s letting something sit there until you’re ready to understand it.

Sometimes it’s just making it through the day.

Welcome to the Club

For those of you who understand exactly what that feels like—

For those of us who struggle with feeling like that far more often than we don’t—

Welcome to the club.

It’s not the most popular club.

It’s not the most fun club.

But it’s a club of people who are working just as hard as you to survive the day.

Today is another page in the story. It doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be written. And before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself, what was your bite of pie today? Until tomorrow, love you loud.

Dear Drained Me: When Life Feels Heavy

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Have you ever poured so much of yourself into something that when it was all said and done, you felt depleted?

Do you notice when it’s happening?

Today was an ordinary day.

It was my typical Saturday.

I got up, got dressed, fed the dogs, fed myself, started laundry, and then sat down in my room—my office—to work.

Typical Saturday.

But I could tell that I was dragging.

When Everything Feels Harder Than It Should

I had a list of things that I wanted to accomplish today.

And when the first two things didn’t go the way that I wanted them to, it just kind of made me lag even more.

When I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing something as quickly or as easily as I should, it really wipes me out.

It’s not to say that I didn’t get anything done.

I know where I need to adjust things and where to fix them so I can get them done at a later time.

I just recognized that today I felt slow.

And sometimes, that’s enough to make everything else feel heavier.

Sometimes the Weather Changes Everything

So I went about my day.

No big deal.

I went outside with the dogs because, for once, despite the temperature being extremely high, there was a breeze.

And it felt nice.

We actually walked around our yard today.

I put music on, and I just enjoyed it.

I don’t do that enough.

I recognize that the weather changes my mood.

When it’s cold outside, when it’s nippy, when it’s windy, it instantly relaxes me.

When I’m playing in the rain, it feels like everything is melting away.

And yet, when it’s happening, I usually hide inside.

Today I didn’t.

We went out.

We walked the property.

We enjoyed the weather.

The dogs sniffed.

One of them thought they were going to chase after a squirrel.

Mom was stronger.

It was just a good day.

And Then I Suddenly Felt Sick

It was a football day, so my husband had plans to watch a football game.

I was going to watch it with him.

But as I was sitting there, I just felt really nauseous.

Out of nowhere.

I have no idea where it came from.

I had been feeling fine all day.

I ate breakfast just fine.

I just suddenly felt really sick.

So I told him that I was going to go lie down for a bit.

And I did.

There are little telltale signs for me when I’m getting sick.

One of them is that food doesn’t sound good.

Even now, food does not sound at all appealing.

I’m going to eat dinner tonight because I know I need to eat.

That’s a self-care thing.

But I’m not really interested in eating.

Sometimes I Just Want Someone There

I also know that when I’m sick, I become very…

Needy.

I resort back to wanting to be treated like a baby in the sense that the first thing I do is bug my husband and ask him to come sit with me.

Not because I necessarily want the company.

It’s just soothing to know someone is there when I’m not feeling well.

As soon as I drifted off to sleep, he left.

And I don’t mind that.

I am very much a just stay until I knock out and then, if you leave, I won’t notice kind of person when I’m sick.

So he did.

And I fell asleep.

I Woke Up, But I Still Wasn’t Me

I woke up a little after six.

And when I woke up, it was hard to get back into the groove of doing something.

So I thought, let me take a shower.

I don’t often take two showers a day, but if I feel the need to, I will.

I got in the shower.

I washed my hair.

I cleaned my body.

I got out, threw on something simple, and went out to see what my husband and the dogs were doing.

He asked me if I was doing okay.

And I am.

I feel better.

Still not one hundred percent.

But better.

Then one of my kids called me, so I came back into my office to call her back.

And even as I sat there talking to her, I just felt drained.

It wasn’t like all of my energy had been usurped.

It was one of those moments where the mental and physical things seemed to catch up to each other.

I just felt drained.

Even now, as I sit here, I recognize that I’m not as animated when I talk.

I’m not feeling very bubbly.

I just feel like I exist.

Mental Health Doesn’t Always Crash Because Something Happened

I’ve been having a really good week.

So I know that it’s not that the week is wearing me down.

I think there are some times when my mental health just does that.

At some point, it crashes.

And it doesn’t have to be something big and negative that causes it.

It’s just kind of the ebb and flow of mental health.

I don’t get on here and pretend that my life is perfect or that everything works out the way that I want it to work out.

That’s not me.

That will never be me.

I get on here and show you the real me and what’s going on every time.

And today?

This afternoon?

This evening?

I’m struggling.

I’m not unhappy.

I’m not sad.

I’m just… off.

I’m drained.

Sometimes You Need to Curl Up Under the Blanket

It’s the kind of drained that makes you want to curl up on your couch underneath a blanket and not do anything.

And I think sometimes that’s okay.

Sometimes it’s great to recognize that you’ve reached your limit and that you need to take a step back.

That you need to take the break.

And I plan to do that today.

This evening.

This weekend.

I also know myself well enough to know when it becomes something bigger.

When it gets harder for me to get out of bed.

When I’m finding it difficult to leave my house.

That’s when I should probably reach out to my doctor.

Right now, though, this just feels like a day thing.

It doesn’t feel like something that is going to weigh me down for the next week.

And that’s okay too.

I Don’t Have to Be Happy and Bubbly All the Time

It’s okay to acknowledge that we’re not happy and bubbly and friendly all the time.

At this moment, I don’t know how many people I actually want to interact with.

That’s not to say that I don’t like anybody.

I just don’t have the headspace.

I don’t know how to interact with anybody right now.

I don’t have the energy or the capacity to give them more of me than I have.

So it’s easier to kind of hide away from it.

Will I completely disappear?

No.

I will still interact with my child and my husband.

I will still interact with my dogs to the best of my abilities.

But if it’s one of those nights where I want to make my bed, get back into it, and just check out?

Yeah.

And that’s okay.

I don’t have anything that I have to get done this weekend.

Everything can wait.

Everything Can Wait

Before, I would have told myself that none of it could wait.

Everything had to be done.

And I was failing if it wasn’t.

The difference now is that I listen to my body.

I listen to my mental capacity when it says:

We’re drained.

We need to tap out.

Because I can tell you what’s going to happen if I don’t.

If I don’t tap out today…

If I don’t give myself the rest that I need…

It is going to get worse.

So many times I’ve ignored the signs that things are going to go bad if I don’t stop.

I Can See the Brick Wall

This is me seeing my brick wall and trying to avoid it.

Do I know that it’s going to work?

No.

But I’m going to try something different.

I might not be able to swerve and miss this wall.

But at least I can acknowledge that it’s coming.

Because on most occasions, I just don’t acknowledge it.

I can feel the spiral starting to happen and I ignore it, hoping that it will magically go away.

Knowing that it won’t.

But What Do You Do When People Still Need You?

So what do you do?

How do you handle a situation where you’re tapped out?

Kids still need to be taken care of.

Household responsibilities still need to be taken care of.

We have this expectation that parents are supposed to go, go, go, go, go.

Especially mothers.

But what happens when you don’t have the energy to do that?

What happens when your feelings get involved?

When your feelings get hurt?

When your mental space can’t handle it?

What do you do?

It’s hard to say, Hey, I’m going to take space from my child, especially when you have little kids.

It’s hard to say you’re going to take space from your husband.

It’s hard to take space from the people you’re responsible for and interact with every day.

But we still have to.

Sometimes You Have to Say, “I Need a Break”

We have to learn to be able to say:

Hey, I need this break.

If I don’t take this mental break, if I don’t take this mental space now, it’s going to get worse.

Maybe that means all the things I wanted to do don’t happen.

Maybe it looks like I’m bedridden for the day.

Maybe it means I sit and process.

Because today I’m sitting here wondering what happened that made me physically nauseous when nothing happened at all.

And I deserve to figure that out.

I deserve to give myself the space to say:

Hey, something happened.

What was it?

What Changed?

Was it something I ate?

That doesn’t seem to be it.

I ate hours before.

I was fine.

So what happened?

What was the shift in mood?

What was the shift in my household that suddenly made me feel nauseous?

And what can I do about it?

I don’t have all the answers today.

I may never have all the answers.

But I know that it’s okay to say:

Today I’m tapped out.

Today I just need to be.

Today I Just Need to Be

I need to curl up under my favorite blanket, preferably with my favorite drink, and just be.

And that’s okay.

It’s okay that I give myself time to rest and process.

Time to regain the strength and the energy to do the things I need to do.

If someone is telling you that you don’t get the chance to put yourself first…

If someone is telling you that you don’t deserve the opportunity to say, Hey, I need a moment. I need to take a moment…

They’re not meant to be a part of your life.

You get to take care of yourself first.

Sometimes Taking Care of Yourself Looks Small

With kids, especially small kids, taking that break may look like:

Mom needs a five-minute break. Go watch this movie.

Or:

Hey, Mom needs to lie down. But while she lies down, we’re going to do this.

I recognize how hard it is to say that and actually do it.

We have so many responsibilities to take care of.

But the biggest responsibility you have is yourself.

So if you’re feeling drained, take the time to do something about it.

For me?

I’m going to grab my dogs.

I’m going to go outside and see if the weather can shock my system.

And if that works, I’ll come back and do some work.

And if it doesn’t?

Me and my favorite blanket have a date.

And that’s okay.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was taking the time to enjoy the outside.

It was getting out there and walking around with my headphones in and singing at the top of my lungs.

Because for me, that is joyous.

I love doing it.

I love knowing that I’m not around enough people that it will bother them and I get to just be.

So this evening, I’m going to try that again.

It was my bite of pie earlier this morning and it made me feel good.

So why not try it again?

That’s how that works.

You find the thing that works for you.

And then you do it.

Make sure it’s a healthy thing.

Make sure it’s a healthy habit.

You don’t want to become dependent on something that isn’t healthy.

Go outside.

Enjoy the weather.

Feel the cold breeze.

Cold water.

Right now, a cold bath sounds amazing.

I’m not taking a cold bath.

But the idea of sitting in some water as it cools down sounds breathtakingly refreshing.

Because sometimes you just need something that lets you be.

You’re Worth Acknowledging What You Feel

I just need you to know that you’re worth it.

You’re worth acknowledging your feelings.

You’re worth acknowledging that it’s not all something you can handle all the time.

You don’t have to keep pushing until you hit the wall.

Sometimes noticing that it’s coming is enough reason to stop.

To rest.

To listen.

To tap out for a while.

I need you to just remember.

Today is another page in the story.

It doesn't have to be perfect; it just has to be written.

And before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Goal-Oriented Me: When I Finally Follow Through

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Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever set a huge goal and actually achieved it?

And then immediately wanted to give everybody and everything else the credit?

Even though you were the one who did it?

Today could not have gone any better.

The Day Started Simple

I got up.

Got dressed.

Took my kid to school.

We got to talk a little.

Grabbed drinks.

Then I went to work.

Work was fun today.

I enjoyed hanging out with my client.

He was in the best mood.

Then I got off work and came home.

And I realized I had some time to kill before I had to go pick my kid up from school.

So I had a choice.

I Could Have Taken a Nap

And honestly?

Why not?

That would have been the easy thing to do.

But instead, I sat down to work.

And I had an idea.

The journals I published were in paperback.

But I knew I wanted paperback and hardback.

So I thought:

Let me see if I can get those done.

And I sat down.

Then I Finished Before I Left

Before I ever had to leave to pick up my kid?

I was done.

Because apparently I cannot just do something simple.

I had four different colorways I wanted.

Then I saw a fifth one.

And of course I thought:

I want that one too.

So now?

I have five journals.

Five Colorways, Paperback and Hardback

Five.

Different colorways.

Paperback.

Hardback.

All this week.

My original goal was just to get one up.

One.

And I was nervous about that.

Because I am a perfectionist.

I did not think it was going to work.

There were moments when the system frustrated me.

There were moments when I wanted to get irritated and stop.

But I kept going.

And I did it.

I actually did it.

My Journals Are Live

They are on Amazon.

They are live.

They are officially going to become part of the show.

And I am excited.

Really excited.

Because I have always been somebody with big dreams.

I have always talked about all the things I want to do.

All the things I want to accomplish.

But actually moving forward with those ideas?

That has always been different.

I Usually Get Stuck

I get excited.

I have an idea.

I throw myself into it.

Then eventually?

I plateau.

I get bored.

I lose interest.

I decide I am done.

That is just how my brain works.

But this time feels different.

I Have Been Doing Dear Journal Since June

And now we are in the middle of August.

I am still enjoying it.

It helped me create the journals.

It is helping me write a book about trauma.

And it is helping me write a fiction book.

I am doing so many things I never actually thought I would do.

That feels different.

Setting Goals Has Never Been the Hard Part

I am good at saying:

I want to try this.

That sounds interesting.

I want to do that.

I have always been good at goals.

But actually watching myself achieve one?

That feels amazing.

A little scary.

But amazing.

I Have Always Been a Girl With Big Dreams

When I was younger, I told myself I was going to be three things.

A teacher.

A wife.

A mother.

Those things mattered to me.

And today I was thinking about that.

I sit here doing a podcast where I talk about feelings.

Trauma.

How things from yesterday affect us today.

That is kind of like teaching.

I Did Become a Wife

My ring is not on today because my hand hurts.

But I am married.

So that one happened.

And then tonight?

I had the best family night with my kid.

Chinese food.

Movies.

Laughing.

Joking.

Playing around.

It was just good.

I Did Not Rush Through It

I knew I still needed to record my podcast.

I knew I had things to do.

But I did not sit there thinking:

Oh my gosh.

I have to hurry.

I need to get done.

I need to get to my office.

I knew that when family time was over, I would come here.

Sit down.

And talk to you guys.

But I did not feel like I needed to cut the moment short.

Usually My Brain Would Ruin That

Before, I would ruminate.

I would sit there mentally calculating.

How am I going to fit this in?

When am I going to do that?

What if I do not get everything done?

But this week?

I have just enjoyed my week.

Not everything was easy.

There were unpleasant moments.

But I survived them.

I made it to another day.

I wrote another page in my story.

These Conversations Have Helped Me

Probably more than you guys will ever know.

I have spent a lot of time wondering:

How do I get better?

How do I improve my mental health?

I did therapy for years.

And I would never knock therapy.

I enjoyed it.

There are times I still miss it.

There is something about saying exactly how you feel and finally getting clarity that is hard to explain.

When Therapy Ended, I Was Angry

When things ended with my therapist, I thought:

I am never going back.

And I knew even then that some of that was hurt talking.

I was upset.

Angry.

Like:

How dare she take me off her books?

But now?

I am not as emotional about it.

Not as angry.

And I think I am ready.

I Am Ready for a Lot of Things

Therapy is on the list.

Finishing my writing is on the list.

Going back to school is on the list.

There are a lot of things I want to do.

But I also know I cannot do all of them at once.

If I pile everything on at the same time?

I am going to burn myself out.

Goals Need Realistic Time

That has been a big lesson for me.

I can have big goals.

I can have a lot of goals.

But I need to give myself realistic time to achieve them.

This week?

The goal was to get books listed.

Done.

The goal was to cook meals and eat together.

Done.

The goal was to go to work and be there for my kid.

Done.

I Set the Week Up First

At the beginning of the week, I sat down and decided what I wanted to accomplish.

Then by the end of the week?

I had done it.

And I learned something important about myself.

I am not a day-to-day planner person.

As much as I love planners.

And I do love them.

I do not keep up with them for long.

Weekly Goals Work Better for Me

Sunday worked.

I sat down and said:

These are the things I would like to accomplish this week.

Not:

This has to happen Monday.

That has to happen Tuesday.

This has to happen at exactly 3:15.

Just:

I would like these things done.

That gave me room.

I Gave Myself Grace

If something had to be moved?

It could be moved.

If I had to push something back?

That was okay.

Nothing was do or die.

Nothing felt like:

If you do not finish this, everything is ruined.

And because I gave myself that grace?

I actually got it done.

That is the wild part.

I Met My Goals Without Making Myself Miserable

It really was that simple this week.

Set the goals.

Leave room.

Do the work.

Move things when needed.

Finish them.

And it is so weird for me to say that out loud.

Because I have a hard time believing things can work out for me.

Maybe Nobody Buys a Journal

That is possible.

I might not sell one copy.

But I put them out there.

I did it.

I proved myself wrong.

I actually did it.

And I am unbelievably happy about that.

I Get to Go to Bed Knowing I Accomplished Something

I do not know what is going to happen with any of it.

But tonight?

It feels good.

It feels good knowing I can go to bed having accomplished something I wanted to accomplish.

That matters.

This Weekend, I Will Make Another Plan

Apparently Saturday is football.

Something about my husband's team playing.

Sunday, I am supposed to go shopping with the family.

Walk around.

Get lunch.

Spend time together.

And then?

I will set another goal for the week.

Something to accomplish.

Something for me.

The Journals Were for Me Too

Yes, I want people to buy them.

Obviously.

But the journals were also for me.

They were proof.

Proof that I could say:

You have the ability to do this.

Now watch yourself do it.

That was important.

I Want to Go Through Them With You

I like the idea of doing the journal together.

Talking through the questions.

Taking them one day at a time.

As much as that is for you?

It is for me too.

I said yesterday that I am not going to ask my kids to do something I am not willing to do myself.

Same thing here.

I Know the Questions Are Not Always Easy

Some of them are going to be uncomfortable.

Some are not going to be fun.

I already know that.

But I also know something about myself now.

Some things are easier for me when I am not doing them alone.

I Like Doing This Together

It is easier as a group.

There is accountability.

Support.

Conversation.

And I am learning so much about what works for me.

What helps me.

What keeps me moving.

It has been an interesting journey since June.

This Time I Have Not Wanted to Quit

That is one of the biggest things.

I have not had the urge to say:

Nope.

I am done.

I do not want to do this tonight.

I am tired of this.

This feels like me.

It feels like something I needed.

Not just something I wanted.

And I think that makes a huge difference.

I Needed to Feel Like I Could Be Calm in the Storm

I needed to get things in order mentally.

I needed to feel like I had some things together.

I needed to believe I could be calm even when life was not calm.

And honestly?

I was worried that was never going to happen.

But it is.

It is actually happening.

Set Goals

They do not have to be huge.

They do not have to matter to everybody else.

They just have to matter to you.

Sometimes my goal is:

Get out of bed.

Get to work on time.

And if I do?

Starbucks.

Sometimes the Reward Is Small

Sometimes I tell myself:

If you sit down and do the work you need to do, you can scroll on your phone longer.

Maybe you do not have to go to bed at a certain time.

Goals and rewards.

They work wonders for me.

Apparently.

I Am Still Learning Why This Helps My Mental Health

I do not fully understand it.

I do not know why it has made things feel easier.

But I know it has.

My goal is to work with my mental health every day.

And every day I show up here.

I write in my journal.

I sit down.

And I talk to you about it.

I Appreciate You Being Here

I really do.

I appreciate you listening.

Supporting.

Understanding without judgment.

That means a lot.

And someday?

I hope you will let me do the same for you.

Listen.

Cheer you on.

Support you.

Help you get the clarity you want.

Help you set goals.

Help you reach them.

Because you want to.

Because you deserve to.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was enjoying my family.

Laughing.

Joking.

Playing with my dog.

Just being there.

And the reason that mattered so much?

Because it felt relaxed.

Peaceful.

Calming.

Like home.

It feels really good to feel like I am at home.

And sometimes I think that feeling has less to do with the building.

More to do with what I create inside myself.

Today?

I felt at home.

I hope you feel at home too.

I hope you have some peace.

I hope you have someone you can talk to.

Someone you can trust.

Someone who hears you even when you are not being loud about it.

Someone who is there.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Emotional Stable Me: Learning to Take Care of Myself First

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to have everything in your life come together?

Would you embrace it?

Or would you run from it?

I am far from having my life together.

Very far.

But today?

Today was a really good day.

I Stayed Home From Work

I know.

Yesterday, I said I was not going to do that.

But today was different.

There was a reason.

And it was needed.

So I stayed home.

Then I got up and got moving.

I treated myself to coffee.

And a donut.

My favorite donut.

Because obviously, if I am going to get a donut, it might as well be the right one.

I Made a Plan for the Day

After that, I came into my office.

I sat down and planned out what I wanted the day to look like.

And for the most part?

I stuck with it.

At noon, I had the meeting I needed to attend.

That went well.

Then my kiddo and I went out and handled a few things.

We came back home.

I sat on the couch for a little while.

Mostly trying to convince myself to get back up.

Then I did.

I Did Some Big Things Today

Today, I uploaded and published two of my journals.

Two.

I am waiting on Amazon to approve them.

Once they do, that will make three journals going live.

And I am already working on another one.

I have plans for the rest of the week.

Plans for the weekend.

And somehow, things are actually moving.

I am doing well.

So What Do I Do With That?

That is the strange part.

What do I do when things are going well?

Do I embrace it?

Do I immediately start planning for everything that could go wrong?

Do I do a little of both?

Because apparently, I have spent enough time expecting chaos that peace sometimes feels suspicious.

Something Shifted Last Weekend

Last weekend, I sat down.

I did the budget.

I did the planning.

I started putting some things into place.

And this week?

It has actually worked.

My kid is on board.

We talked about ways he can help around the house.

I asked him for one thing.

And his response was basically:

I can do that.

And this.

And this.

And this too.

And I thought:

Well.

That is amazing.

Thank you.

My Husband Is Adjusting Too

My husband is changing his schedule.

He is trying to make it work better for what our family needs.

And it is kind of amazing what happens when you not only make plans to improve your life, but actually follow through on those plans.

That second part?

That is usually where I struggle.

Planning is easy for me.

I can make a plan for anything.

Following it?

Different story.

I Love to Tweak Things Forever

You guys already know this.

I have been talking about getting this journal listed for weeks.

It has been:

I am changing this.

Tweaking that.

Moving this.

Fixing that.

Maybe this needs to be different.

Maybe that needs to be different.

And today, I finally finished two more covers and listed them.

Because I am a girl who loves options.

One journal cover?

Absolutely not.

Why would I do that when I could have four?

I Am Actually Excited Now

Originally, I was just nervous.

What if nobody likes it?

What if nobody wants it?

What if I put all this work into something and nobody cares?

And all of those things are still possible.

But this time feels different.

Because this time I have a goal.

I want something different.

And I have spent years telling my kids:

If you want something different, you have to do something different.

Saying It Is Easier Than Doing It

That sounds so simple.

If you want something different, do something different.

Sure.

Easy.

Except it is not easy at all.

Doing something differently means you have to stop doing what feels familiar.

Even when familiar is not working.

So instead of making sure every little thing was perfect, today I said:

I would rather have it done.

Then I listed it.

Even Dinner Was Different

We were supposed to have some kind of pork tonight.

Pork roast.

Pork chops.

Something.

I am not a huge fan.

So I decided:

Nope.

We skipped chicken day.

We are having chicken tonight.

And I was actually excited to get into the kitchen and cook.

I made dinner.

Then all of us sat down and ate together.

That felt good.

We Are Finding a Groove

Slowly.

Very slowly.

But it feels like we are getting into some kind of rhythm.

I know it is not going to be perfect.

Tomorrow is a big day.

My kid starts school.

He is dreading it.

And honestly?

I cannot blame him.

It is high school.

Junior year.

A brand-new school.

That is a lot.

I have been there.

I hated it.

Tomorrow Is Going to Be Hard

There is anticipation.

What is going to happen?

How is it going to go?

Will he like anyone?

Will anyone bother him?

Will the day be awful?

Will it surprise us?

But I have noticed something.

The mindset I bring into those questions has changed.

When I Started Dear Journal, I Was a Hot Mess

When I started Dear Journal back in June, I felt like a hot mess.

Honestly, I still feel like a hot mess plenty of days.

But back then, I was emotionally all over the place.

I had so many questions.

Questions about myself.

Questions about why I felt the way I did.

Questions about where I was going.

And I did not know where to begin.

I Wanted to Understand Me

That was really the point.

I wanted to learn more about myself.

And somewhere along the way, I think I actually have.

I have processed how I got here.

I have processed where I want to go.

I have started thinking about how I am going to get there.

That matters.

Wanting Something Is Not Enough

I want a lot of big things.

Really big things.

But sitting around waiting for them to happen is not going to make them happen.

At some point, I have to move.

Today?

I moved.

I made moves.

And it felt good.

Really good.

Tomorrow I Will Make Another Move

Tomorrow, I am getting up earlier than I normally do.

I am stopping for coffee with my kid.

Then I am taking him to school.

And somewhere between the coffee and dropping him off, I am going to try to build a bridge that says:

We can get through this day together.

Because that is all we can do.

Try.

Even when it sucks.

And some days?

It absolutely sucks.

I Need My Own Shit Together Too

If I am going to help my kid through his day, I have to be in a decent place myself.

I cannot tell him:

You can do this.

You have to show up.

You have to try.

While I am completely falling apart and refusing to show up for myself.

I kind of need to have my own shit together too.

Not perfectly.

Just enough.

If You Do It, I Will Do It

I was talking with my college-age child about school too.

She is nervous.

Excited.

A little of both.

My sixteen-year-old is nervous and excited too.

So I said:

If you do it, I will do it.

They both looked at me like:

Really?

You would go back to school?

And I said yes.

We Can All Have Homework

If you guys can make it through the school year, I can too.

We can all have homework.

We can all study.

Ish.

I do not know how much studying I am going to do.

But that is beside the point.

We can all show up.

Do the work.

Complain about assignments.

Get through the semester.

Together.

Supporting My Kids Means Showing Them

I am a huge believer in supporting my kids.

But sometimes support means more than saying:

You can do it.

Sometimes it means showing them:

I am willing to do hard things too.

I am not asking you to walk somewhere I refuse to go.

If you are showing up?

I can show up too.

That Makes Me Feel Emotionally Stable

That feels different to me.

I am not saying:

Do this because I told you to.

Do this because you are supposed to.

Instead, I am saying:

I see that this is hard for you.

I understand that struggle.

Let us figure out how to do it together.

That feels like growth.

A lot of growth.

I Can See Their Pain Without Losing Myself in Mine

That is what emotional stability feels like to me right now.

I can acknowledge:

I am hurting.

I have struggles.

I have things I am trying to work through.

But I can also look beside me and say:

You are hurting too.

You are struggling too.

How can we make this easier together?

Instead of everything being:

Me.

Me.

Me.

Me.

Me.

And I cannot do anything about any of it.

I Am Enjoying the Positive Side of My Life

It feels good to put myself out there.

It feels good to experience something positive.

I am enjoying being a mom.

I am enjoying being a wife.

And it has been a very long time since I could say I was enjoying being a wife.

But I can feel a little bit of that coming back.

I am enjoying being a friend.

But more than anything?

I think I am learning to enjoy being me.

I Still Cannot Do Everything I Want

I would love to lie down somewhere with a book.

An actual book.

Turn the pages.

Read for hours.

I am not there right now.

I do not have the time.

But I shifted.

Instead of saying:

Well, I guess I cannot read.

I started listening to audiobooks on my drive to work.

I Never Thought I Would Like Audiobooks

If you had asked me before whether I would listen to audiobooks, I probably would have said no.

I love the feel of a book.

And I mean a real book.

Not a tablet.

Not a Kindle.

A book.

Pages.

Paper.

Something I can hold.

But if I want to read and do not have time to physically sit and read?

I can listen.

It does not have to look exactly how I imagined.

It just has to work.

I Am Learning to Adjust

That is another thing I am starting to recognize.

Sometimes the problem is not that I cannot do something.

The problem is that I decided there was only one acceptable way to do it.

And if that way does not fit my life?

Then I tell myself I cannot do it.

But maybe I can.

Just differently.

I Want to Write a Book

I have started writing an actual book.

Not a journal.

Not a self-help thing.

An actual book.

And I am excited about it.

I cannot wait to tell you guys more.

I think it is interesting.

Hopefully, you will too.

But there is a problem.

I Do Not Want to Sit at a Computer and Type All Day

I like technology.

Actually, I love technology.

If you walked through my house, you would notice that pretty quickly.

That is me.

Not my husband.

He could not care less about most of it.

But despite how much I like technology, sitting at a desk typing for hours?

No.

Thank you.

Give me a pen.

Give me paper.

I will write all day.

Ask me to type it?

Suddenly, I am bored.

So Why Am I Forcing Myself to Write That Way?

I have been trying to figure out how to keep writing the book while still being me.

Because that matters.

I am happiest when I am taking care of my own needs.

And then yesterday it occurred to me:

We have all these apps.

All this technology.

Why am I acting like typing is my only option?

I Can Dictate My Book

I could literally talk it out.

I could dictate the book.

I could walk on my treadmill and dictate.

I could go outside and walk.

Exercise.

Move.

And still write.

There are so many things I have convinced myself I cannot do.

When really?

I just cannot do them inside the tiny box I built around how I think they are supposed to look.

Maybe the Bottle Is Not Empty

Instead of staring at the bottle and saying:

Oh my gosh.

It is empty.

I do not know what to do.

Maybe I ask:

How else can I fill it?

There might be another way.

Probably several other ways.

I just have to be willing to see them.

Today We Bought a Phone and Found My Pen Loophole

My kid needed a new phone today.

So we bought one.

Went to pick it up.

Got coffee.

Walked around Walmart.

Made jokes.

Had fun.

And I bought pencils.

Because I am not supposed to be buying pens.

Pencils are clearly different.

That is my loophole.

I stand by it.

I Did Not Finish Everything Today

Did I get everything done that I planned to do?

No.

Normally, this is the part where I start beating myself up.

You had all day.

You should have accomplished more.

You could have done this.

You should have finished that.

But today?

I did what I could.

Actually.

I did what I could.

I Was Not Sitting Around Doing Nothing

I worked.

I handled what needed to be handled.

I spent time with my kid.

I got things published.

I cooked.

I planned.

I made decisions.

Whatever I could accomplish today, I accomplished.

That is enough.

I Could Stay Up and Keep Working

I do not technically have to go to bed soon.

I could stay up.

Keep working.

Push through another project.

Do another cover.

Finish another thing.

On almost any other night, I probably would.

But not tonight.

Tonight I Am Taking Care of Me

I am going to finish my podcast.

I am going to check one thing to see whether I can get my last journal uploaded.

And then?

I am going to bed.

I am going to lie down.

Watch a movie.

Relax.

And go to sleep.

I am taking care of myself.

I Have Spent My Life Taking Care of Everybody Else

Everybody.

Except me.

And now that I have gotten a taste of what it feels like to actually take care of myself?

I do not want to stop.

I like this.

I like recognizing that I matter too.

I Can Fill Other Cups Better When Mine Is Not Broken

I have spent a lot of time pouring into other people.

My kids.

My family.

My friends.

People I work with.

People I care about.

But it is a lot easier to pour into someone else when your own cup is not cracked into pieces.

So I am taking care of my cup.

I am taking care of me.

Sometimes Emotional Stability Looks Like a Boundary

Sometimes it looks like saying:

That does not work for me.

Or:

I can do that, but only within this boundary.

That is different for me.

It is recognizing that I have needs too.

And sometimes those needs have to come first so I can actually help the people I love.

Put Your Own Mask on First

If you have ever flown on an airplane, you know the announcement.

If there is an emergency, put your own mask on before you help someone else.

Mental health works the same way.

I cannot help you if I cannot help myself.

I cannot pour into everyone around me while pretending I am fine when I am completely empty.

I need air too.

I Should Take My Own Advice

It does not make sense for me to tell my kids things I would never do myself.

Go to school.

Show up.

Work hard.

Keep trying.

Okay.

Then I can go to school.

I can show up.

I can work hard.

I can demonstrate what that looks like.

I can cheer them on while I learn how to cheer myself on too.

Because I need that.

Because I deserve that.

Because I want that.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was showing up for myself.

It was saying:

These are the things I would like to get done.

Let us see what happens.

Not:

Everything on this list has to happen or today was a failure.

It was asking:

I need this done in this particular way.

But does it actually have to happen that way?

Is there another option?

Can I make this work differently?

I can listen to a book instead of sitting down to read it.

I can dictate my book instead of forcing myself to sit at a computer and type.

I can change dinner because the original plan does not sound good.

I can finish what I can and leave the rest for tomorrow.

I can go to bed.

I can take care of myself.

That was my bite of pie.

Recognizing that there are a lot of things I can accomplish when I am willing to think outside the box I built around myself.

I am nowhere near solving my mental health.

Not even close.

But I love the direction I am going.

I love the start I am making.

I love that I am putting one foot forward.

Then another.

And I am going to keep doing that.

Because that is what I can do.

And maybe, as I continue taking care of myself, I become more emotionally stable.

More capable of helping the people I want to help.

Not because I sacrificed myself for them.

Because I finally chose to help myself first.

So maybe you are listening and thinking:

I deserve to take care of me too.

Maybe you are hurting.

Sad.

Angry.

Overwhelmed.

There may be very real reasons for all of those feelings.

But maybe the answer begins with:

Let me take care of me.

Let me work on this because I deserve to feel better.

Not for someone else.

Not so I am easier to live with.

Not so I can perform better for everybody around me.

For me.

Because I deserve to smile more than I cry.

And I hope you can do that.

And if you cannot yet?

You are still in the right place.

We will talk about it.

We will work through it.

One bite at a time.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Overly Prepared Me: When Planning for Everything Means Trusting No One

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever made a backup plan for your backup plan?

You prepare for the worst because you expect the worst.

I do it constantly.

That is what I tell myself.

If I plan for it, then I cannot be surprised by it.

And honestly?

I am not completely wrong.

A good plan can make things easier.

But when does planning become too much?

Today Was Just a List

Today, I was going through everything I needed to do.

Work.

Dinner.

Taking my kid to a meeting with the school.

Just all the things running through my head.

Nothing significant.

Nothing overwhelmingly difficult.

Just a list.

But apparently, even a normal list is enough for my brain to start planning for every possible outcome.

I Almost Skipped Lunch to Stay on Schedule

This morning, I got up.

Got ready for work.

Went to work.

Had a great day.

Then I realized I was really hungry.

But instead of simply stopping to get food, my brain immediately started calculating.

If I stop to get lunch, will I make my kid late?

Will we get home in time?

Will everything still work?

And eventually I had to tell myself:

You need to eat.

So I stopped.

I got lunch.

I got home on time.

My kid made it to his meeting.

Nobody was late.

The world continued spinning.

Sometimes Taking Care of Myself Has to Be Part of the Plan

After the meeting, we came home.

I took care of the dogs.

Fed them.

Walked them.

And then I was tired.

Really tired.

So I decided I needed a nap.

And I took one.

That may not sound important.

But for someone who can make a schedule for absolutely everything, choosing to stop because my body was tired mattered.

I did not need to prepare for what would happen if I rested.

I just rested.

Then Came Dinner

When I woke up, I made a few calls I needed to make.

My husband came in and asked if I was hungry.

I told him what the plan was for dinner.

Tonight was fish night.

I decided on salmon.

And obviously, salmon needs a side.

So I thought:

Potatoes.

I asked him to check whether we had good potatoes.

He did.

We did.

Great.

Apparently, “Check the Potatoes” Does Not Mean “Make the Potatoes”

I jumped in the shower.

Took a quick shower.

Got back out.

Then I asked:

Can you prep them for baking?

Because I already knew asking him if we had potatoes was not automatically going to translate into:

Please cook the potatoes.

I finished getting dressed.

Came out of the bedroom.

And he had a timer set.

When he heard me coming, he canceled it and walked into the kitchen.

I asked:

Did you not get my text?

He said:

No, I got it.

I was just getting around to it.

Okay.

I Thought the Rest Was Implied

He started preparing the potatoes.

Then he came back and asked:

Do you want me to bake them too?

Yes.

I thought that part was implied.

Apparently, it was not.

And that small interaction is actually a perfect example of how my brain works.

I am constantly planning three steps ahead.

So sometimes I assume everyone else is standing on step three with me.

They are not.

I Was Annoyed, So I Said It

Later, I sat down in the living room with him.

We talked about everything happening with school.

Work.

Schedules.

The week.

Just everything.

And I realized I was annoyed.

Not furious.

Not ready to argue.

Just annoyed.

And I did not really know how to present it.

So I just said it.

We Need a Better Schedule

I told him:

We need to figure out your schedule.

Because I am doing a lot.

And I need to know when you are actually available to help.

So we talked.

Right now, he starts playing poker around six in the evening and finishes around seven in the morning.

Then he sleeps during the day.

That works while my kid is at school and I am at work.

But it creates another problem.

When Do We See You?

When we get home from school and work, he is getting up.

Then getting ready to leave.

So there is not much time for us to actually be together as a family.

That mattered to me.

So we talked about it.

How do we make this work?

He said he had been thinking about starting later.

Maybe around eight.

Then playing until we leave in the morning.

Then going to sleep.

Okay.

That could work.

Then I Realized What I Was Doing Again

Part of why the schedule conversation even happened was because I had made an appointment for our child the next day.

And my first thought was:

I should probably handle it.

I should miss work.

I should take him.

Even though my husband would be home.

There are two parents in this household.

And somehow, my automatic response was:

I will figure it out.

Why Am I Preparing Like I Am the Only Adult Here?

That thought annoyed me.

Because there are two adults.

There are two parents.

And yet my instinct is to prepare as though everything depends entirely on me.

As though if I do not handle it, it will not get handled.

And that made me wonder:

How often do I set myself up for this?

Planning Is Not the Problem

There is nothing wrong with planning.

There is nothing wrong with saying:

Here is Plan A.

And if Plan A fails, here is Plan B.

That is normal.

Helpful, even.

But I also do not get to complain that I am overwhelmed and unsupported if I keep creating plans that require nobody except me.

That part is uncomfortable.

I Immediately Tried to Call Off Work

I told my husband about the appointment.

His response was basically:

So I need to take you to work?

We are sharing a car right now.

And I said:

No.

It is okay.

I will just call in.

I will figure it out.

Immediately.

No pause.

No conversation.

No room for another solution.

I had already decided I would take the hit.

I Wanted Him to Stop Me

And then I realized something else.

Part of me wanted him to say:

No.

You are going to work.

We will figure this out.

I needed him to push back.

To tell me I did not have to automatically sacrifice my schedule.

But instead, because I said I would handle it, the response was basically:

Okay.

And then I was annoyed.

That is complicated.

I Make It Hard for People to Help Me

I do this constantly.

I make it nearly impossible to depend on anyone.

Because I do not want them to disappoint me.

And honestly?

That makes sense.

It is self-protection.

If I do not give you the chance to let me down, then you cannot let me down.

Except then I get upset that I am doing everything.

Because nobody is helping.

Even though I did not really give anybody space to help.

I Will Not Let You In, but I Expect You to Get In

That is the weird twist.

I will not let you in.

But I expect you to get in.

Somehow.

Figure it out.

Push through the wall I built.

Read my mind.

Know when I actually want help versus when I have already decided I am doing everything myself.

That does not sound very realistic.

Dear Prepared Me Became Dear Overly Prepared Me

When I first sat down to journal tonight, I wrote:

Dear Prepared Me.

Because I thought I was simply being prepared.

Then I started doing my usual podcast setup.

I opened this app.

That app.

This program.

That program.

Stuff I absolutely did not need open yet.

But what if I need it?

What if something happens?

What if I randomly need to type something somewhere I will definitely not need while recording?

Better open it.

Just in case.

Maybe I Am Overcompensating

As I kept setting things up, it finally clicked.

Maybe this is not:

Dear Prepared Me.

Maybe this is:

Dear Overly Prepared Me.

Because there is preparation.

And then there is trying to control every possible thing before it even happens.

Those are not the same.

I Want to Shove the Whole Pie in My Mouth

It is really easy for me to try to do everything at once.

I am going to do all the things.

Get everything done.

Make everything work.

Solve every problem.

And then somehow I will be Superwoman because I handled everything.

I even talked to my kid about it at dinner.

Apparently, I Am Going to Do Everything

I told him:

I am going to get up.

Take you to school.

Go to work.

Have a great day.

Get off work.

Pick you up.

Come home.

Cook dinner.

Do the podcast.

And on.

And on.

And on.

Because apparently:

I can do it all.

Except there is one glaring issue.

This Is Not a Single-Parent Household

There are two adults here.

Two.

And yet I slowly inch my husband out of responsibilities because it feels easier to prepare to handle everything alone.

He cannot let me down if I never depend on him.

If I trust him and he does not do it?

I am upset.

If I do not trust him and handle it myself?

I am also upset.

Excellent system.

No notes.

Overpreparing Does Not Protect Me From the Consequences

That realization did not feel good.

Because apparently, no matter how prepared I am, I am still not prepared for the consequences of doing everything myself.

I am still tired.

Still frustrated.

Still overwhelmed.

Still resentful.

And then I have to admit:

Maybe I contributed to some of this.

I did not like that thought.

I Do Not Have to Take Everything On

I do not have to do everything.

If I asked my kid:

Hey, I need help with this.

He would probably help.

My husband has ADHD.

But if I gave him a clear list?

He would probably get it done.

There are people around me who can participate.

But instead of using those resources, I prepare around them.

Then My Body Eventually Says No

And eventually, no matter how perfectly I plan everything, my body will stop cooperating.

At some point, it will say:

We are done.

I cannot do another thing.

Then everything falls apart.

And when it does, I will be furious that nobody helped me.

Despite the fact that every plan I created involved only me.

That is hard to admit.

Processing a Feeling in Real Time Is Strange

It is also kind of cool.

I started the podcast with one feeling.

Prepared.

Then, while talking it through, I realized that the feeling was actually something else.

Overprepared.

Protective.

Controlling.

Scared of disappointment.

That is what journaling does for me.

I get to hear my own thoughts change while I am having them.

We Rarely Get Time to Process in the Moment

Life moves fast.

You are at work.

Someone pisses you off.

You still have to continue working.

You cannot always stop and say:

Hold on.

I need twenty minutes to fully process what just happened emotionally.

Usually, you have to keep moving.

And I was talking about that with my kid too.

Sometimes Walking Away Is the Better Choice

We talked about what happens if something happens at school.

He said:

I am going to walk out of class.

And my response was:

Do it.

I would rather he walk away and process what he is feeling than sit there getting angrier.

Sulking.

Exploding.

Making the situation worse.

Does that make me a horrible parent?

I do not think so.

People Need Room to Process

We need time sometimes.

We need space.

This expectation that everything should come naturally to us is unrealistic.

The expectation that we should instantly recover from every feeling is unrealistic too.

Sometimes you need a minute.

Sometimes you need to walk away.

Sometimes you need to say:

I am angry.

Let me figure out why.

I Can Be Resentful and Still Own My Part

It is unrealistic for me to do everything myself and then expect not to feel resentful.

I get to feel resentful.

My feelings are still real.

But I also have to take responsibility for my part.

I cannot create a system where nobody gets to help me and then pretend I had no role in creating it.

That is the part I do not like.

I Cannot Prepare My Way Out of Accountability

That is the part I cannot figure out how to prepare for.

Accountability.

Looking at myself and saying:

You did not cause everything.

But you contributed to this part.

That is uncomfortable.

There is no backup plan for it.

No list.

No contingency strategy.

You just have to admit it.

What If I Set Expectations Instead?

What if instead of preparing for people to fail me, I set expectations?

Clear ones.

For myself.

For the people around me.

What if I said:

I am counting on you to do this.

I need this from you.

And then they get to say the same thing to me.

I am counting on you too.

I need this from you.

Maybe That Is What Shared Responsibility Looks Like

That sounds much healthier than silently assuming someone will fail.

Then taking over.

Then getting angry.

We both have expectations.

We both have boundaries.

We both have responsibilities.

And we both either meet them or acknowledge when we do not.

What If Someone Consistently Cannot Meet the Standard?

Then maybe we reevaluate.

That applies to marriages.

Friendships.

Family.

Any relationship.

If I keep people in my circle who only disappoint me, I have to eventually ask why they are still in my circle.

That sounds harsh.

But is it?

We Cling to People Because We Think They Are Irreplaceable

We tell ourselves:

Nobody else will care about me like this person does.

Nobody else will love me this way.

Nobody else will understand me.

But then comes another question.

Do they actually care about you in the way you need?

Are you actually receiving what you need from the relationship?

Or are you undervaluing yourself while constantly preparing for them to disappoint you?

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was saying:

This is not working.

We need a better schedule.

We need a better system.

I am carrying too much.

And I do not want to anymore.

I had to acknowledge that I am part of that pattern.

I take things on.

I automatically assume I will handle them.

I remove the opportunity for other people to participate.

Then I feel alone.

And I do not want to live like that.

If I am going to actively do everything on my own, then I should be on my own.

I do not want to be in a relationship and feel alone.

I do not want friendships that make me feel alone.

If you are in my life, I need to be able to trust you.

Work with you.

Depend on you.

Friendships cannot be one-sided.

It cannot always be the same person calling.

The same person checking in.

The same person doing all the emotional work.

There will be days I am down and you have to carry more.

There will be days you are down and I carry more.

That is reciprocity.

And if we cannot do that?

Then we need to be honest about what the relationship actually is.

The same thing applies to family.

Someone being related to me does not automatically mean I have to accept everything from them.

My parents gave birth to me.

Okay.

That does not mean I should have to constantly prepare myself for them to hurt me.

I should not have to prepare an exit plan for every difficult interaction.

I should not have to brace for disappointment every time someone I love enters the room.

If people cannot respect my boundaries?

If they cannot participate in the relationship?

If they consistently refuse to meet the standard?

That is not me being overly prepared anymore.

That is me allowing myself to be walked on.

And I am not doing that anymore.

I know what my worth is.

I know what I am willing to tolerate.

And I know what I am no longer willing to tolerate.

At my table, you have a seat because I want you there.

And I want you there because you are active at my table.

You participate.

You contribute.

You care.

If you are not active at my table?

There is not a seat for you.

I do not have to spend my life preparing for the people I love to fail me.

There are people in my life because they matter to me.

And if they matter to me, then the relationship comes with shared responsibility.

If they refuse that responsibility?

Excuse them from the table.

We get one life.

Our mental health does not have time for constantly preparing for doomsday because nobody else is willing to show up.

We are worth more than that.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Proud Me: When Small Wins Finally Start to Feel Like Progress

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Are there ever days in your life when you surprise yourself?

Maybe you find money in your pocket that you forgot was there.

Maybe you say no to something you did not need.

Maybe you do something small that somehow feels huge.

Today was one of those days.

Today was a really good day.

I Walked Away From the Pens

I went to work.

I had a great day with my client.

Then I went to Walmart.

And Walmart during back-to-school season is dangerous for me.

I have a bit of an obsession with pens.

We have talked about this.

So I walked down the school-supply aisle.

I saw the pens.

I looked at the pens.

I touched the pens.

And then I put them back.

And walked away.

That alone gave me a sense of pride.

I Had More Than One Win Today

I helped my client learn something.

That made me proud.

I got everything handled for my kid’s school.

I made it to back-to-school night.

I took care of what needed to be taken care of.

And then I changed my office.

That was probably the biggest one for me.

Change Is Not My Favorite Thing

I am good at a lot of things.

Change is not one of them.

I like knowing what is happening.

I like knowing when it is happening.

I like knowing everything is where it belongs.

In its place.

At its time.

Where I expect it to be.

That gives me a sense of control.

I Have Been Waiting for This Office Change

You guys already knew I was supposed to switch offices with my husband.

I had been hyping myself up for it for days.

But the change had been slow coming.

And that actually made it harder.

Because once I know something is going to change, I want to know when.

Exactly when.

Not eventually.

Not sometime soon.

When?

Today, I finally stopped waiting.

I Just Started Moving Things

I got home from work.

And I moved things.

Slowly but surely, I started setting up my new office.

That part is not necessarily difficult for me.

I am pretty good at deciding where I want things.

How I want them arranged.

Where everything should go.

But then I started looking at all of my craft supplies.

I Have Been Carrying Some Things for Years

These are things I have moved with me for years.

Things I do not use.

Things I just have.

And today I looked at some of it and thought:

I do not really want this anymore.

I think I am going to give it away.

And then I caught myself.

Because that thought did not make me sad.

It did not make me feel guilty.

I did not feel like I was losing anything.

Some Things Just Do Not Fit Me Anymore

I realized I was simply recognizing what fits the version of me I am now.

And some of those things do not.

That was it.

No dramatic moment.

No grief.

Just:

This is not me anymore.

And I think that is growth too.

Yesterday I Said I Needed to Give Myself Credit

Yesterday, I talked about being persistent about giving myself credit.

Persistently acknowledging the things I do well.

Persistently saying:

You did a good job.

And today, I actually did it.

I looked at everything I had accomplished and thought:

I am doing a really good job.

Everything Does Not Have to Be Perfect

That does not mean my life is perfect.

It does not mean everything has magically worked itself out.

It does not mean there are no problems.

But I was able to recognize that things are not nearly as bad as I once believed they were.

And that is a big deal.

I Get to Take My Kid to School

I found out that the school schedule works out perfectly.

I had been worried about transportation.

We have buses out here.

I did not know exactly how all of that was going to work.

And I was skeptical.

But it turns out my kid starts school early enough that I can drop him off and still make it to work.

So I get to take him.

Every morning.

I Get the Beginning and the End

I get a few minutes with him before we go our separate ways.

I get to be the beginning of his school day.

I can see how he is feeling.

Encourage him.

Talk to him.

Make sure he is okay before he walks inside.

And then I get to pick him up.

So I get the end of the day too.

I Get All the Tea

I get to hear how everything went.

What happened.

Who said what.

What was funny.

What was annoying.

All the school gossip.

All the tea.

And there is something about that that makes me feel the way I have always wanted to feel.

It Feels Like Being a Mom

We have talked before about my struggle with not feeling like a mom.

And there is something about taking my kid to school.

Watching him go through the school year.

Picking him up.

Listening to his stories.

Being involved in those ordinary parts of his life.

It does something for me.

Something important.

I Know High School Will Not Be Perfect

I am not pretending junior year is going to be easy.

Kids can be awful.

That is just reality.

Not every kid is kind.

Not everybody gets along.

Things will happen.

But I am excited to see what the year brings.

And more than that, I am surprised by where my life is now.

January Looked Completely Different

If you had asked me in January whether this is where I would be today, I would not have believed you.

Back in January, I was sitting at home.

Laying on my couch.

Trying, by sheer will, to survive.

I had a job.

But I worked about ten hours a week.

And the rest of the time?

I stayed on the couch.

I Slept Through Everything I Could

I slept.

A lot.

Because I was horribly depressed.

Paranoid.

Isolated.

I stopped going places.

Stopped seeing people.

Stopped interacting with friends and family.

It was bad.

And I knew it was bad.

That did not mean I knew how to fix it.

Knowing You Are Struggling Does Not Mean You Can Stop It

That is one of the hardest parts.

You can recognize:

I am in a bad place.

And still have absolutely no idea how to get out.

People will say:

Smile more.

Laugh.

Think positively.

Just be happy.

And those of us who struggle with mental health would absolutely love for it to be that simple.

I Could Not Just Decide to Be Happy

I was going through a lot at the beginning of the year.

Feeling unwanted.

Rejected.

Confused.

Hurt.

I got inside my own head.

And I let all of it tear me apart.

I wallowed in it.

Not because I wanted to.

Because that was all I knew how to do.

I Knew the Thoughts Were Bad

I knew what I was thinking was unhealthy.

I knew the feelings were heavy.

I knew they were not helping.

But I could not just shut them off.

I could not snap out of it.

And that is what depression feels like for me sometimes.

I can feel it coming.

I know it is coming.

But I do not always know how to avoid it.

Sometimes You See the Wall and Still Hit It

If you are driving and something is in the road, you can swerve.

Mental health does not always give you that option.

Sometimes you see the wall.

You know it is there.

You know you are getting closer.

You think:

I am about to hit that wall.

And then you hit it anyway.

Then You Deal With the Wreckage

Afterward, you have to deal with everything that happened because of the impact.

For some people, that looks like hiding away.

Shutting themselves in a room.

Sleeping.

Avoiding people.

Doing whatever they can to survive.

Not necessarily the healthiest things.

But sometimes the only things they can manage in the moment.

How Do You Stop Yourself From Hitting the Wall?

That is the question.

Some people medicate.

Some meditate.

Some talk to people.

Some go to therapy.

Some use coping skills.

And all of those things can help.

But even then, sometimes the wall is still there.

I Know the Coping Skills

In therapy, they talk about coping skills.

Use your skills.

Deep breathing.

Five-four-three-two-one.

Box breathing.

And I am actually a fan of those.

I know how to use them.

But even knowing them does not mean I always stop the crash.

Sometimes I see the wall.

And I still hit it.

Your Body Prepares for Impact

Think about what your body does when it thinks something bad is coming.

You tense.

Freeze.

Brace yourself.

Prepare for impact.

Mental health can do the same thing.

You would love to breathe through it.

Relax.

Make it easier.

But sometimes your body is already in protection mode.

Coming Back Was a Fight

Getting out of that place was hard.

I wish I could say that every day I woke up and told myself:

Get better.

And then I got better.

That is not what happened.

I had to keep showing up.

Keep talking to the people I needed to talk to.

Keep fighting the battles I was having.

Because that is what it felt like.

A fight.

From the Outside, It Can Look Easy

To somebody else, your struggle may not look like a big deal.

They might think:

Just get over it.

It is not that serious.

And for them?

Maybe it would not be.

But they are not living inside it.

When you are living inside it, you are drowning.

I Felt Like I Was Drowning While People Added More Weight

The best way I can describe it is being in the deep end of a pool.

Holding baggage.

Heavy baggage.

And I can feel myself sinking.

The water keeps climbing.

And then people are standing outside the pool saying:

Hey.

Can you hold this too?

And handing me more.

As if they cannot see I am already drowning.

I Do Not Think People Always Mean to Add to It

I do not think everybody recognizes what they are doing.

I do not think they always mean harm.

But that does not change what is happening.

You are still underwater.

Still carrying the weight.

Still trying to reach the surface.

And eventually, you have to fight your way out.

Mental Health Can Be Day by Day

We do not live in a perfect world.

Things are hard.

Scary.

Big.

And sometimes all you can do is take it day by day.

That is what I started doing.

One day at a time.

One little thing.

Maybe Today We Get to the Couch

Maybe today we do not stay in bed.

Maybe we make it to the couch.

Maybe today we shower.

Maybe today we eat something.

Maybe today we deviate from the plan that feels safest.

Nothing huge.

Just something different.

Something slightly forward.

I Kept Going

I kept trying.

I kept talking to my therapists.

My psychiatrists.

I took the medication.

And yes.

Those things helped.

Truly.

But it was not until I started doing something for myself that something really shifted.

I Had to Want Something for Me

We do things because people tell us to.

Take this medication.

Use this skill.

Try this.

Do that.

And I am not saying those things do not work.

They can.

But for me, something was still missing.

I needed to decide:

This is what I want.

And I am going to go after it.

That Mindset Is Hard When You Have No Willpower

How do you tell yourself to go for something when you have no energy?

No encouragement.

No motivation.

No belief that it will matter?

It is hard.

Really hard.

And I do not think people with mental health struggles get enough credit for the hard things they do.

We Are Not Asking for a Parade

Nobody is asking for a parade.

Or a trophy.

Or constant praise.

Sometimes we just want someone to recognize:

I got up today.

I made the effort.

I did the thing I did not want to do.

That matters.

Neither of Us Wanted to Go to Back-to-School Night

Tonight, my kid and I got dressed and went to back-to-school night.

Did either of us want to go?

No.

Absolutely not.

We knew we needed to.

So we did.

And even though the event itself was not fun, I think we both enjoyed being together.

We Speak the Same Language Without Talking

We are very much alike.

Things happen.

We look at each other.

And we instantly know what the other one is thinking.

Then we laugh.

Because we both know.

That happened tonight.

The Girl Who Stepped in Front of Us

A young lady stepped in front of us.

We had no idea what she was doing.

I do not think she meant anything by it.

She faltered.

Looked at us.

Said:

I am sorry.

Then walked away.

And my kid and I looked at each other with the exact same expression.

What the fuck?

Then we laughed.

And that was it.

Sometimes Progress Is Just Having a Reason to Laugh

Nothing huge happened.

Nothing life-changing.

We simply had a reason to laugh together.

And honestly, I think that is how pulling yourself back up works sometimes.

It is not always some giant event.

Sometimes one day something is funny again.

One day you accomplish something.

One day you notice:

That did not hurt as much as it used to.

And then you build from there.

Today I Was Proud of Myself

Today I did big things.

I switched my office.

I cleaned out things I did not think I would ever let go of.

Yesterday, I put my journal on Amazon.

I have done big things this week.

And it is only Tuesday.

That feels good.

That Does Not Mean the Rest of the Week Will Be Perfect

Do I think the entire week will suddenly go perfectly?

Absolutely not.

My brain naturally expects bad things to happen.

That is just where it goes.

So when things do not go badly?

It feels like a pleasant surprise.

Today, Things Worked

Today was one of those days when things simply worked.

Better than I expected.

And I liked that.

But even more important?

I realized those were things I made happen.

I did what I needed to do to get where I wanted to go.

And it worked.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was being proud of myself.

Yesterday, I said I wanted to become persistent about giving myself credit.

Persistent about acknowledging what I do well.

And today, I followed through.

Yesterday’s bite of pie became today’s goal.

And I think maybe that is how I want my days to work.

I recognize something I struggled with.

I acknowledge the feeling.

And then I ask:

What can I do tomorrow that is one step better?

Not perfect.

Better.

I remember at my last job, my girls had to fill out daily goal sheets.

Every morning, they chose a goal.

What they wanted to accomplish.

How they wanted to behave.

What they wanted the day to look like.

And honestly?

Sometimes it sounded simple.

Even stupid.

Stay out of fights.

Obviously, right?

But it was not only about staying out of fights.

It was about learning how.

Walking away.

Recognizing when something is not worth it.

Calming yourself down.

Self-regulating.

And then learning what helps you regulate.

For me, that can be music.

Dancing.

Singing.

Being creative.

So maybe my goal every day can be simple too.

Do a little better than yesterday.

One step.

That is it.

Not Mount Everest.

Not some impossible standard.

Just one step forward that I did not take yesterday.

Today, that step was being proud.

Acknowledging:

I can do hard things.

I can do good things.

I moved into an office with a purple wall.

My husband’s favorite color.

I gave away things I never thought I would let go of.

I had one really good day where I could look around and say:

I did that.

And if I can do that, maybe you can too.

And when you do?

I will cheer for you.

Or, in the words of my client:

Yay!

You did it!

I will absolutely “yay, you did it” all the way through.

Because you are doing it.

You are showing up.

And I know that is not always easy.

I have been there.

I am still there.

There are days I want to stay in bed.

There are days I am completely done.

That happens.

It is not about being perfect.

It is about showing up the best way you know how.

So I will show up for you.

You show up for me.

And we will keep growing.

One step at a time.

One bite at a time.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Persistent Me: When Not Giving Up Means Learning to Believe in Yourself

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever set your mind to do something and doubted yourself the entire time?

It is not always a lack of ability.

Sometimes it is a lack of self-esteem.

I know I am good at the things I am good at.

I know I am smart.

I know I can learn what I need to learn to get where I want to go.

I know I have the skills to complete the things I want to do.

And yet, sometimes my belief in myself simply does not exist.

I Keep Going Anyway

I do things because I am persistent.

Tenacious.

Stubborn.

I see a goal, and I keep going.

And going.

And going.

I am one of those people who, when asked in an interview what my weakness is, says:

I am stubborn.

Because I am.

I do not always know when to give up.

I Do Not Know When to Let Things Go

That applies to arguments.

Fights.

Marriage.

Relationships.

Projects.

Anything I really want to accomplish.

I do not know how to quit.

And lately, that persistence has been showing up in this journal cover.

Every time I get close to being done, I find something else to nitpick.

Something else to tweak.

Something else to change.

Is It Really Not Perfect, or Am I Afraid?

That is the question I keep coming back to.

Do I actually think the cover is not done?

Or am I afraid to put it out there?

Either way, I keep working on it.

I tweak.

I change.

I stare at it.

I move things around.

Does it really change much?

No.

But somehow, in my mind, it settles something.

I Just Like to Keep Trying

That is the problem with persistence.

Sometimes it is exactly what gets you where you need to go.

Sometimes it is the thing that keeps you from letting go.

Today, I sat there looking at the journal cover thinking:

This looks great.

This is perfect.

But I can still change this.

And then I had to stop myself.

How can something be perfect and still need to be changed?

That Is Literally My Brand

My brand is Unperfectly Perfect.

The whole idea is accepting your perfection inside your imperfections.

Recognizing that you are who you are.

That you are enough.

You do not need to fit inside somebody else’s idea of what perfect looks like.

I can accept that about myself.

I can accept that I am a perfectionist.

Tenacious.

Stubborn.

Persistent.

But apparently, I struggle to accept it in my work.

I Know Better and Still Struggle With It

That is what makes it so contradictory.

I know things do not have to be perfect.

I say it all the time.

My definition of perfect does not even line up with this flawless idea of perfection.

And yet I still sit there thinking:

I can make that better.

I can fix that.

I can change that.

I do not only do that with projects.

I do it with people too.

I Always Think I Can Help

I look at something and think:

I can make that better.

I can do that better.

I can fix that.

Then I look at a person and think:

You look like you could use help.

Let me take that on too.

Why?

Seriously.

Why?

Confidence Does Not Always Mean Self-Belief

There are people walking around who look incredibly confident.

And some of them think terribly of themselves.

I understand that.

That was part of why I created the name Unperfectly Perfect in the first place.

Technically, the word is not correct.

The word should be imperfect.

I know that.

Again.

I know what I know.

But I chose unperfectly because that is the point.

Not Everything Fits Into a Box

Not everything looks pretty.

Not everything fits neatly into the box people designed for it.

And you still get to accept it.

You still get to claim it.

You still get to say:

This is mine.

This is me.

This counts.

Unperfectly perfect.

I Am Good at Acknowledging My Flaws

I have been persistent about trying to live that.

For me, that means acknowledging my flaws.

And acknowledging my wins.

I am very good at one of those things.

Guess which one.

I can acknowledge every way I fail.

Every mistake.

Every flaw.

Every place I fall short.

I can do that all day.

I Am Still Learning to Acknowledge My Wins

What I struggle with is saying:

I did that well.

I handled that.

I accomplished something.

I am good at this.

I can be incredibly persistent in putting myself down.

But I am not nearly as persistent about lifting myself up.

And that is a problem.

Why Can I Fight for Everything Except Myself?

If I can be persistent about everything else in my life, why can I not be persistent in cheering for myself?

Why can I not say:

You did a great job.

You have come so far.

You worked hard.

You should be proud.

There is nothing wrong with cheering myself on.

I know that.

But knowing it and doing it are two very different things.

Maybe I Need to Take It One Bite at a Time

What if I started small?

One thing.

One good thing.

One thing I can actually believe.

That feels much more realistic to me than standing in front of a mirror and trying to convince myself of something my brain immediately rejects.

One bite at a time.

I Used to Hate My Hair

There was a time when I absolutely hated my hair.

I was taught to hate it.

That was the world I grew up in.

As a little girl, my hair was permed.

Braided.

Hot combed.

Straight.

That was what I knew.

So if you had asked me when I thought I looked the most beautiful, I would have said:

When my hair is straight.

I Was Persistent About Meeting That Standard

For years, I permed it.

Straightened it.

Repeated the process.

Because I had decided that was the standard I had to meet.

That was what made me pretty.

That was what made my hair acceptable.

Until one day, it did not.

Something changed.

I Became Persistent About Loving My Hair

At some point, I became persistent enough to love my hair.

Persistent enough to accept it.

To stop fighting what naturally grew out of my head.

That did not happen instantly.

It took time.

But I got there.

And if I could do that, maybe I can do the same thing in other parts of my life.

I Am Persistent About Caring for Other People

I am a very loving person.

I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Anybody who knows me knows that.

I will give the shirt off my back.

I am persistent about making sure people feel seen.

Heard.

Loved.

Important.

That matters deeply to me.

I Do Not Want Other People to Feel the Way I Feel

So much of how I lead comes from that.

I do not want people to feel invisible.

I do not want them to feel ignored.

I do not want them to sit alone beating themselves up.

I know what that feels like.

So I try to make sure the people around me do not experience it.

I persist in that.

But I Do Not Always Do the Same for Myself

That is the part I have to work on.

I will pour into everyone else.

Consistently.

Persistently.

And somewhere along the way, I convince myself that doing that will somehow fill me too.

It does not.

We both know that.

Pouring Into Everyone Else Can Leave You Empty

You can persistently take care of everybody else’s needs and completely ignore your own.

And it does not make you feel better.

Eventually, it leaves you empty.

It leaves you tired.

It leaves you wondering who is going to take care of you.

And sometimes, the answer has to be:

Me.

Maybe Self-Care Needs to Mean More

We hear all the time that we need to take care of ourselves.

And sometimes that means:

I ate today.

I showered today.

I slept.

I took care of the basics.

Those things matter.

But what if taking care of yourself means more than that?

What If Self-Care Means Saying Something Nice About Yourself?

What if it means saying:

I did a good job.

I look good today.

I handled that well.

I am helpful.

I am kind.

I am pretty.

I am smart.

What if persistence looked like lifting ourselves up instead of tearing ourselves down?

I Am Good at So Many Things

I am good at so many things.

And I am so bad at acknowledging it.

Tonight, though, I had a reminder.

One of my kiddos called me unexpectedly.

I did not think I would hear from her.

I thought that once we went our separate ways, that was it.

And then the phone rang.

Everyone Lit Up

Her face lit up.

Mine did too.

My kids’ faces lit up.

Everyone was happy.

Excited.

Relieved.

It was such a good moment.

And she is doing well.

But in order to be doing well, she had to be persistent too.

Sometimes Persistence Gets You Back to the People You Love

I imagine there had to be persistence in her asking to call me.

This person matters to me.

I want to talk to them.

How do we make that happen?

And before we got off the phone, I told her:

Keep doing good.

Keep doing well.

Because if you keep doing well, you get rewarded with things like these phone calls.

Then you get to talk to me.

Persistence.

We Expect It From Everyone Else

We expect the people around us to be consistent.

Persistent.

We want them to show up for us.

Love us.

Choose us.

Treat us well.

And yet, we do not always demand that same persistence from ourselves.

I am tired of that.

I Am Tired of Letting Myself Down

I am tired of telling myself:

You cannot do that.

You will not do that.

You are not good enough.

I am tired of being my own biggest naysayer.

Yes, there are bullies in the world.

But nobody has bullied me more than I have bullied myself.

I Have Said Worse Things to Myself Than Anyone Else Has

People can say mean things.

And yes.

Sometimes they hurt.

But the truth is, I have said worse things to myself.

Persistently.

No one is quicker to cut me down than I am.

That has to change.

So How Do I Change It?

How do I fight the version of myself that insists I am worse than I actually am?

Some people would say:

Write affirmations.

Put them on your mirror.

Repeat them every day.

Wonderful.

I am horrible at affirmations.

Affirmations Do Not Work Well for Me

I understand why people like them.

I understand why they can help.

But it is hard for me to stand in front of the mirror and say things I do not believe.

My brain immediately rejects them.

So maybe I do something different.

Maybe I start with something I already believe.

I Am Really Good at Picking Colors

That sounds small.

But it is true.

I am really good at picking out colors.

I am really good at color-coding my closet.

I am really good at making sure my house has the necessities.

I am really good at making sure my bills get paid.

Those things may not sound exciting.

But they count.

Start With the Small Things

There are things I do well.

Even if they seem boring.

Even if they do not feel impressive.

They are still evidence.

A foundation.

A place to start.

You do not begin life by running.

You scoot.

Then crawl.

Then take steps.

Then eventually, you run.

I Want to Learn How to Scoot

That is what I want.

I want to learn how to say:

I am good at something I am actually good at.

And believe it.

I want to learn to be proud of myself.

Not someday.

Now.

Even if I have to start very small.

I Want to Be Proud of Me

I want to look at myself and say:

Hey.

You made it.

I want to tell the little girl inside me:

We did it.

We accomplished the goal.

And we were good at it.

That matters to me.

It Is Easy to See the Negative

Negative things are everywhere.

And if you struggle with mental health, they can live inside your head too.

Rumination.

The same thoughts repeating.

Again.

Again.

Again.

It can be incredibly difficult to shut them off.

So maybe I do not try to silence everything at once.

What If I Add One Good Thing?

Every time I catch myself ruminating, what if I think of one good thing?

Just one.

Even if the good thing is:

I recognize that I am ruminating right now.

That is still something.

That is awareness.

That is progress.

Not perfect.

But good.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was deciding that it was time to finish.

The journal cover was done.

It was as perfect as it was going to be.

And I finally said:

We are doing this.

It is time to list it.

It is time to stop tweaking.

Stop waiting.

Stop finding one more thing to change.

I took that bite of pie.

I uploaded it.

Then I had another opportunity to stall.

I could have said:

Okay.

It is uploaded.

Maybe I will release it later.

Maybe I will pick another date.

Maybe I will wait.

And I knew exactly what would happen if I did that.

I would not do it.

So I said:

No.

Rip the Band-Aid off.

Go for it.

And I did.

I am excited.

Thrilled.

Anxious.

Nervous.

Scared.

Happy.

All of it.

Because I finally gave myself the chance to say:

I did a good job.

It is ready.

It is done.

It is complete.

It did not have to be perfect.

It just had to be written.

And I wrote it.

I designed it.

I thought through it.

I built it.

Because I know what I am doing.

I am good at what I am doing.

I have these conversations because I know what it feels like to hurt.

To feel lonely in a room full of people.

To go to work wearing a mask that says:

Hi.

I am happy.

Everything is fine.

While inside, everything feels full of dread.

I know what that feels like.

And I am finally acknowledging that the things I know and the things I have survived matter.

I hope that by acknowledging it, you feel like you can acknowledge yourself too.

That you can say:

She gets it.

This is not just empty talk.

This is not somebody telling me what I should feel.

This is someone who understands.

I understand being persistent about almost everything except yourself.

And I do not want us to keep doing that.

We deserve better.

We deserve to fight for ourselves too.

Today, I fought for myself.

I fought for you too.

The journal is for all of us.

But I finally said:

It is perfect.

Not because every single piece is flawless.

Not because every I is dotted and every T is crossed.

It is perfect because I did it.

What if that is enough?

What if perfect simply means:

I did it.

I am Unperfectly Perfect.

I am great at the things I am great at.

I struggle with the things I struggle with.

And all of those pieces make me me.

So maybe that is perfect after all.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.

Dear Frisky Me: When Desire Is Not the Same as Connection

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

What do you do when you are in the mood but feel estranged from your significant other?

Do you ignore the feeling?

Do you act on it?

Today, I got to wrestle with that.

We have talked before about how my relationship with my husband is not where I want it to be.

And this morning, after getting up and taking care of a few things around the house, I sat down in my office and realized I was feeling frisky.

And then I had to figure out what I wanted to do with that.

I Was Not Sure How to Handle It

I sat there trying to decide how to approach the situation.

How to handle it.

What I actually wanted.

I was not really sure.

So I messaged my husband and asked whether he was going to be in and out of the bedroom.

He said no.

Then he came to check on me in the office.

I told him I wanted to go lie down.

Take a nap.

Usually, if I take a nap, I do it in the living room with the TV on.

If I go into the bedroom?

There are usually other reasons.

I Thought He Was Coming With Me

He started talking about how, if I was going to take a nap, he would probably lie down too.

I took that to mean he was going to come into the bedroom with me.

So I sat there for a minute and contemplated.

Because while I was feeling frisky, my original plan was to take care of it myself.

I just did not want to be interrupted.

But if he was coming into the room?

Okay.

Fine.

I could figure out how to make that work.

Then He Never Came In

I went to the bedroom.

I laid down.

The dogs came in.

And I waited.

And waited.

He never came in.

Eventually, I messaged him.

He was in the living room.

I believe laying on the couch.

So I made a joke about how I could not roll over to grab the remote to turn the TV on.

And he actually came in and brought it to me.

I was joking.

I did not expect him to do that.

But he did.

And Then the Mood Was Gone

I asked if he was really not going to lie down in the bedroom with me.

Nope.

If I was turning the TV on, he was going back to the living room.

Okay.

He left.

And I laid there.

And all of a sudden, what I had been feeling did not exist anymore.

Gone.

It Was Not About Him Knowing What I Wanted

It is not that he obviously knew what I was thinking.

I do not assume that he knew what kind of mood I was in.

Or what I had in mind.

But suddenly, the idea of taking care of it on my own did not sound as appealing anymore.

And I also knew something else.

If I had invited him into the room, he would have come.

If I had asked him to join me, he probably would have.

But then I would have had to deal with how I felt afterward.

Why Did I Do That?

It is not that he coerces me.

He would never do that.

That is not what I mean.

It is more the feeling afterward.

Why did I do that when I know where our relationship is?

Why did I put myself in that position?

Why did I act on the physical want when I knew the emotional part was not there?

That is something I really struggle with.

I Still Have Wants

I still have wants.

I still have needs.

I am human.

That part did not disappear because the relationship changed.

But I also crave emotional connection.

Because I am human.

And that is where it gets complicated.

If we were just about sex?

If we were just fuck buddies?

I could probably handle that just fine.

But once emotion was introduced into the relationship, it changed what I need.

I Need the Emotional Part Too

Now, I need the emotional connection for anything else to feel right.

And I struggle with that.

How do you walk that line?

How do you tiptoe across it?

How do you say:

I want to be desired.

But I also need emotional connection.

How do you explain what that emotional connection looks like?

I Want to Feel Wanted

I feel like I have had this conversation before.

I need to be dated.

I need to feel like you want to be around me.

I need to feel like I am a priority.

And I think sometimes the wires get crossed.

What I say does not always translate into what he hears.

And then the same conversation comes back again.

And again.

And again.

What Are You Supposed to Do With That?

Do you pretend the need does not exist?

Do you cheat?

Do you bury yourself in enough other things that you forget what it feels like to want that kind of connection?

Cheating is not the answer for me.

I would not even know where to begin.

Or where I would find the time.

I work.

I come home.

That is pretty much the extent of it.

But I still miss being desired.

I Miss That Feeling

I miss feeling like someone wants me in that way.

Like if the opportunity presented itself, they would take it.

Lovingly.

I miss that.

We used to be different.

Our relationship used to be different.

And now I am learning how to live inside a different version of my marriage than the one I remember.

We Feel More Like Roommates

I do not know if it is because so much time has passed.

Or because things have been prickly for so long.

I just know the relationship has changed.

We feel much more like roommates than a married couple.

And then what do you do with that?

Do you stay because it is your marriage?

Your relationship?

Your history?

Do you leave because you want something different?

Do you wonder if the grass is greener somewhere else?

Advice Is Easier From the Outside

For everybody else, those questions seem easy to answer.

People tell you:

You should do this.

You should do that.

You should leave.

You should stay.

You should try harder.

You should stop trying.

It is easy to say those things when you are standing outside looking in.

It is much harder to live them.

Twelve Years Is a Long Time

I have been with my husband for twelve years.

That is what I know.

It is a relationship I do not always understand.

But it is my relationship.

It is familiar.

It is what I have.

And I do not always know how to address what I still want from it.

I Am Tired of Having the Same Conversation

Instead of addressing those feelings with my husband for the umpteenth time, I write them here.

I think we are both tired of having that conversation.

I am tired of saying it.

He is tired of hearing it.

So I journal it.

And when I am not journaling it?

I bottle it up.

And then I let days pass.

Months.

Years.

Hoping.

Wishing.

Waiting for something to be different.

Yesterday I Talked About Patience

Yesterday, I talked about being patient.

And I think that ties directly into this.

I am waiting.

Trying to figure out how to navigate all of it.

Trying to understand what patience means when the thing you are waiting for may or may not ever come.

That is not easy.

It Takes Something to Admit You Are Not Getting What You Need

I think it takes something big inside you to sit down and say:

This is what I want.

This is what I need.

And then admit:

That is not what I am getting.

That is hard.

But even after admitting it, the question remains.

What do you do now?

How do you move?

I Do Not Have the Answer

I do not know.

I do not have some beautifully packaged answer for that.

Today, my answer was a nap.

That is what I did.

I went to bed.

I slept for three glorious hours in a nice, cool room.

No thoughts.

No cares.

Nothing.

It Was Not What I Wanted

It was not what I wanted.

But it is what I did.

Do I wish the moment had been different?

Yeah.

Am I content with what actually happened?

Yeah.

Because maybe it was not what I wanted.

Maybe it was what I needed.

Wanting Something Does Not Mean It Will Satisfy You

Sometimes we crave something.

We want it.

We want it a certain way.

At a certain time.

And just because we want it does not mean it will actually satisfy the thing underneath it.

I think that is what would have happened today.

I could have gotten the immediate want met.

And I still would not have had what I was actually looking for.

The Deeper Need Was Still There

I could have acted on the physical feeling.

I could have gotten some kind of release.

And then what?

Would I have felt emotionally connected?

No.

Would I have felt more wanted?

Probably not.

Would I have walked away feeling fulfilled?

That is the part I was not sure about.

And if I already know the answer is probably no, then maybe the physical want is not the real issue.

How Do Relationships Get Here?

I wonder about that a lot.

You hear people talk about divorce.

Loveless marriages.

Roommate marriages.

Relationships that feel completely different from where they started.

And from the outside, you wonder:

How did it get that bad?

How did you let it get there?

But I do not think people always let it happen.

Sometimes Change Is Quiet

I think sometimes the relationship changes so slowly that you do not notice while it is happening.

You change.

They change.

Life changes.

Stress changes you.

Pain changes you.

Responsibility changes you.

And sometimes the changes are obvious.

Sometimes they are tiny.

So small that you do not recognize them until one day you wake up and realize:

I am different now.

Relationships Change Because People Change

If that happens within ourselves, of course it happens inside relationships too.

As I grow and change, my relationship is going to grow and change.

As my husband grows and changes, the relationship changes again.

And the thing we end up with may not look like what we imagined when we started.

That is the reality.

Can I Live With What It Has Become?

I think the real question becomes:

Can I live with what this relationship is now?

Do I want to live with it?

Is this version enough for me?

Can I be happy here?

That is a much harder question than:

Should I stay married?

Because there is a lot hiding inside that answer.

Sometimes You Have to Rewrite the Story

I say it all the time.

If you do not like where the story is going, rewrite it.

If you do not like where the characters are headed, change something.

Unfortunately, sometimes rewriting the story means writing a character out.

Sometimes it means that character changes dramatically.

Sometimes it means the entire plot shifts.

Only you can decide what that looks like.

Nobody Knows My Life Better Than I Do

We ask people for advice.

Their opinions.

Their experiences.

Their thoughts.

But no one knows my life better than I do.

No one knows exactly how I feel.

No one knows what I am experiencing as deeply as I do.

I can explain it.

I can try to put it into words.

But it will never perfectly capture what it feels like to live it.

Ultimately, the decision is mine.

What Am I Willing to Live Without?

What am I willing to sacrifice?

What am I willing to live without?

And still be happy?

How important is this to me?

Is it something I will regret?

Is it something I will eventually hold against him?

Is it something I will start looking for somewhere else?

Those are questions I have to answer.

Looking Somewhere Else Would Tell Me Something

If I ever reach the point where I am actively looking outward for what I am not getting inside my marriage, that tells me something.

That is not an answer.

But it is information.

It means there is a larger problem.

And at that point, something has to change.

Either we find a solution.

Or we do not.

Avoiding It Is Still a Choice

Even deciding not to fix something is still a decision.

Avoidance is a choice too.

And I think we do the same thing with our mental health.

We recognize something is wrong.

We recognize that we do not like what is happening.

We recognize that we are struggling.

And then sometimes we avoid it.

We distract ourselves.

We ignore it.

We keep going.

At Some Point You Have to Say This Is Not Working

Eventually, there comes a moment when you have to sit down and say:

This is not working.

I need to do something different.

That does not automatically tell you what the different thing is.

But acknowledging the problem matters.

Because pretending it is not there does not make it disappear.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was realizing that sometimes wanting something does not mean I should automatically act on it.

Sometimes I have to decide what matters more.

Getting the immediate want met.

Or listening to the deeper need underneath it.

Today, I chose differently.

I went to bed.

I slept.

I let the feeling pass.

And then I sat with what it was trying to tell me.

I still want to be desired.

I still want emotional connection.

I still want to feel wanted.

Loved.

Prioritized.

That did not disappear.

And I do not want to ignore those needs just because they are harder to deal with.

It is time to listen to all of my needs.

Not just the easy ones.

Not just the physical ones.

Not just the ones that are simple to solve.

All of them.

And if you are feeling frisky and have no idea what to do with it, do not feel guilty.

It is a natural feeling.

You also are not obligated to act on it.

Take a moment.

Ask yourself what you are actually wanting.

Ask yourself what you are actually needing.

Those answers may not be the same.

And maybe that is the point.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.