Dear Drained Me: When Life Feels Heavy

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Have you ever poured so much of yourself into something that when it was all said and done, you felt depleted?

Do you notice when it’s happening?

Today was an ordinary day.

It was my typical Saturday.

I got up, got dressed, fed the dogs, fed myself, started laundry, and then sat down in my room—my office—to work.

Typical Saturday.

But I could tell that I was dragging.

When Everything Feels Harder Than It Should

I had a list of things that I wanted to accomplish today.

And when the first two things didn’t go the way that I wanted them to, it just kind of made me lag even more.

When I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing something as quickly or as easily as I should, it really wipes me out.

It’s not to say that I didn’t get anything done.

I know where I need to adjust things and where to fix them so I can get them done at a later time.

I just recognized that today I felt slow.

And sometimes, that’s enough to make everything else feel heavier.

Sometimes the Weather Changes Everything

So I went about my day.

No big deal.

I went outside with the dogs because, for once, despite the temperature being extremely high, there was a breeze.

And it felt nice.

We actually walked around our yard today.

I put music on, and I just enjoyed it.

I don’t do that enough.

I recognize that the weather changes my mood.

When it’s cold outside, when it’s nippy, when it’s windy, it instantly relaxes me.

When I’m playing in the rain, it feels like everything is melting away.

And yet, when it’s happening, I usually hide inside.

Today I didn’t.

We went out.

We walked the property.

We enjoyed the weather.

The dogs sniffed.

One of them thought they were going to chase after a squirrel.

Mom was stronger.

It was just a good day.

And Then I Suddenly Felt Sick

It was a football day, so my husband had plans to watch a football game.

I was going to watch it with him.

But as I was sitting there, I just felt really nauseous.

Out of nowhere.

I have no idea where it came from.

I had been feeling fine all day.

I ate breakfast just fine.

I just suddenly felt really sick.

So I told him that I was going to go lie down for a bit.

And I did.

There are little telltale signs for me when I’m getting sick.

One of them is that food doesn’t sound good.

Even now, food does not sound at all appealing.

I’m going to eat dinner tonight because I know I need to eat.

That’s a self-care thing.

But I’m not really interested in eating.

Sometimes I Just Want Someone There

I also know that when I’m sick, I become very…

Needy.

I resort back to wanting to be treated like a baby in the sense that the first thing I do is bug my husband and ask him to come sit with me.

Not because I necessarily want the company.

It’s just soothing to know someone is there when I’m not feeling well.

As soon as I drifted off to sleep, he left.

And I don’t mind that.

I am very much a just stay until I knock out and then, if you leave, I won’t notice kind of person when I’m sick.

So he did.

And I fell asleep.

I Woke Up, But I Still Wasn’t Me

I woke up a little after six.

And when I woke up, it was hard to get back into the groove of doing something.

So I thought, let me take a shower.

I don’t often take two showers a day, but if I feel the need to, I will.

I got in the shower.

I washed my hair.

I cleaned my body.

I got out, threw on something simple, and went out to see what my husband and the dogs were doing.

He asked me if I was doing okay.

And I am.

I feel better.

Still not one hundred percent.

But better.

Then one of my kids called me, so I came back into my office to call her back.

And even as I sat there talking to her, I just felt drained.

It wasn’t like all of my energy had been usurped.

It was one of those moments where the mental and physical things seemed to catch up to each other.

I just felt drained.

Even now, as I sit here, I recognize that I’m not as animated when I talk.

I’m not feeling very bubbly.

I just feel like I exist.

Mental Health Doesn’t Always Crash Because Something Happened

I’ve been having a really good week.

So I know that it’s not that the week is wearing me down.

I think there are some times when my mental health just does that.

At some point, it crashes.

And it doesn’t have to be something big and negative that causes it.

It’s just kind of the ebb and flow of mental health.

I don’t get on here and pretend that my life is perfect or that everything works out the way that I want it to work out.

That’s not me.

That will never be me.

I get on here and show you the real me and what’s going on every time.

And today?

This afternoon?

This evening?

I’m struggling.

I’m not unhappy.

I’m not sad.

I’m just… off.

I’m drained.

Sometimes You Need to Curl Up Under the Blanket

It’s the kind of drained that makes you want to curl up on your couch underneath a blanket and not do anything.

And I think sometimes that’s okay.

Sometimes it’s great to recognize that you’ve reached your limit and that you need to take a step back.

That you need to take the break.

And I plan to do that today.

This evening.

This weekend.

I also know myself well enough to know when it becomes something bigger.

When it gets harder for me to get out of bed.

When I’m finding it difficult to leave my house.

That’s when I should probably reach out to my doctor.

Right now, though, this just feels like a day thing.

It doesn’t feel like something that is going to weigh me down for the next week.

And that’s okay too.

I Don’t Have to Be Happy and Bubbly All the Time

It’s okay to acknowledge that we’re not happy and bubbly and friendly all the time.

At this moment, I don’t know how many people I actually want to interact with.

That’s not to say that I don’t like anybody.

I just don’t have the headspace.

I don’t know how to interact with anybody right now.

I don’t have the energy or the capacity to give them more of me than I have.

So it’s easier to kind of hide away from it.

Will I completely disappear?

No.

I will still interact with my child and my husband.

I will still interact with my dogs to the best of my abilities.

But if it’s one of those nights where I want to make my bed, get back into it, and just check out?

Yeah.

And that’s okay.

I don’t have anything that I have to get done this weekend.

Everything can wait.

Everything Can Wait

Before, I would have told myself that none of it could wait.

Everything had to be done.

And I was failing if it wasn’t.

The difference now is that I listen to my body.

I listen to my mental capacity when it says:

We’re drained.

We need to tap out.

Because I can tell you what’s going to happen if I don’t.

If I don’t tap out today…

If I don’t give myself the rest that I need…

It is going to get worse.

So many times I’ve ignored the signs that things are going to go bad if I don’t stop.

I Can See the Brick Wall

This is me seeing my brick wall and trying to avoid it.

Do I know that it’s going to work?

No.

But I’m going to try something different.

I might not be able to swerve and miss this wall.

But at least I can acknowledge that it’s coming.

Because on most occasions, I just don’t acknowledge it.

I can feel the spiral starting to happen and I ignore it, hoping that it will magically go away.

Knowing that it won’t.

But What Do You Do When People Still Need You?

So what do you do?

How do you handle a situation where you’re tapped out?

Kids still need to be taken care of.

Household responsibilities still need to be taken care of.

We have this expectation that parents are supposed to go, go, go, go, go.

Especially mothers.

But what happens when you don’t have the energy to do that?

What happens when your feelings get involved?

When your feelings get hurt?

When your mental space can’t handle it?

What do you do?

It’s hard to say, Hey, I’m going to take space from my child, especially when you have little kids.

It’s hard to say you’re going to take space from your husband.

It’s hard to take space from the people you’re responsible for and interact with every day.

But we still have to.

Sometimes You Have to Say, “I Need a Break”

We have to learn to be able to say:

Hey, I need this break.

If I don’t take this mental break, if I don’t take this mental space now, it’s going to get worse.

Maybe that means all the things I wanted to do don’t happen.

Maybe it looks like I’m bedridden for the day.

Maybe it means I sit and process.

Because today I’m sitting here wondering what happened that made me physically nauseous when nothing happened at all.

And I deserve to figure that out.

I deserve to give myself the space to say:

Hey, something happened.

What was it?

What Changed?

Was it something I ate?

That doesn’t seem to be it.

I ate hours before.

I was fine.

So what happened?

What was the shift in mood?

What was the shift in my household that suddenly made me feel nauseous?

And what can I do about it?

I don’t have all the answers today.

I may never have all the answers.

But I know that it’s okay to say:

Today I’m tapped out.

Today I just need to be.

Today I Just Need to Be

I need to curl up under my favorite blanket, preferably with my favorite drink, and just be.

And that’s okay.

It’s okay that I give myself time to rest and process.

Time to regain the strength and the energy to do the things I need to do.

If someone is telling you that you don’t get the chance to put yourself first…

If someone is telling you that you don’t deserve the opportunity to say, Hey, I need a moment. I need to take a moment…

They’re not meant to be a part of your life.

You get to take care of yourself first.

Sometimes Taking Care of Yourself Looks Small

With kids, especially small kids, taking that break may look like:

Mom needs a five-minute break. Go watch this movie.

Or:

Hey, Mom needs to lie down. But while she lies down, we’re going to do this.

I recognize how hard it is to say that and actually do it.

We have so many responsibilities to take care of.

But the biggest responsibility you have is yourself.

So if you’re feeling drained, take the time to do something about it.

For me?

I’m going to grab my dogs.

I’m going to go outside and see if the weather can shock my system.

And if that works, I’ll come back and do some work.

And if it doesn’t?

Me and my favorite blanket have a date.

And that’s okay.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was taking the time to enjoy the outside.

It was getting out there and walking around with my headphones in and singing at the top of my lungs.

Because for me, that is joyous.

I love doing it.

I love knowing that I’m not around enough people that it will bother them and I get to just be.

So this evening, I’m going to try that again.

It was my bite of pie earlier this morning and it made me feel good.

So why not try it again?

That’s how that works.

You find the thing that works for you.

And then you do it.

Make sure it’s a healthy thing.

Make sure it’s a healthy habit.

You don’t want to become dependent on something that isn’t healthy.

Go outside.

Enjoy the weather.

Feel the cold breeze.

Cold water.

Right now, a cold bath sounds amazing.

I’m not taking a cold bath.

But the idea of sitting in some water as it cools down sounds breathtakingly refreshing.

Because sometimes you just need something that lets you be.

You’re Worth Acknowledging What You Feel

I just need you to know that you’re worth it.

You’re worth acknowledging your feelings.

You’re worth acknowledging that it’s not all something you can handle all the time.

You don’t have to keep pushing until you hit the wall.

Sometimes noticing that it’s coming is enough reason to stop.

To rest.

To listen.

To tap out for a while.

I need you to just remember.

Today is another page in the story.

It doesn't have to be perfect; it just has to be written.

And before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.