Dear Passive Me: When You Are A Spectator In Your Own Life

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Have you ever had one of those days where nothing seems to go right?

It just seems like the universe is somehow against you, like it’s been plotting against you.

That has been my day.

When the Day Starts in a Panic

I woke up in a panic and then got back to sleep.

And then I woke up in a panic again.

My husband was gone, but I could have sworn that he had gone to bed next to me, so I was really disoriented.

He came back in, and I asked him if he would go get me a donut.

He obliged.

He came back with a donut and a coffee, and I proceeded to get ready to leave the room.

I remember talking to him about the fact that he sleeps better when I’m not in there.

He always tells me it’s because I sleep with the TV on.

If I would just turn the TV off and not make a sound, essentially, he’d be able to sleep.

I remember laughing it off because some people sleep better with their spouse and some others don’t.

I just happen to have one that sleeps better when I’m not around.

So I Went Back to Sleep

I went to the couch with the dogs and made myself a comfy spot.

I laid down and, sure enough, drifted back off to sleep because I was so tired.

A couple of hours later, I woke up and decided I needed to take care of things.

I took care of the dogs.

We went outside.

We walked around and just kind of lingered.

No big deal.

Then I came back inside and decided it was time to get some work done.

I came into my office, sat down, started to work—

And all of a sudden, my power went out.

Not the breaker.

The power in the whole entire house.

Apparently, Today Had Other Plans

Instead of getting work done, I sat here for a moment and contemplated what I was going to do.

My dogs were laying in here snoring beside me.

So I decided to take a page out of their book and lay down for a nap.

I went to my room.

My husband asked, “What are you doing? Are you coming to lay down?”

Yes.

And I swear I went right to sleep.

The power came back on sometime while we were sleeping.

His alarm went off.

I turned it off because he didn’t wake up.

No big deal.

Then I went back to sleep.

When I finally woke up, it was around four in the afternoon.

I got up, came into my office, and just tried to get a grasp on what today was supposed to look like now.

Because nothing had gone according to plan.

I Wasn’t Angry. I Wasn’t Sad. I Was Just Passive.

I sat here collecting my thoughts and decided that I still had to do the grocery shopping.

So I may as well get that taken care of.

I asked my family if they needed anything.

They gave me their list.

That’s usually how it works in my household.

I do the grocery shopping, figure out what everybody wants and needs, make the list, and order the groceries.

Today, though, I decided instead of having them delivered or picking them up, I would actually go inside and shop.

I asked my husband if he wanted to go with me.

He said yes.

We went to the store, got the things on the list, came home, and unloaded everything.

I started putting things away.

He went and sat in the living room.

I asked if he was busy.

No.

He wasn’t busy.

He was just sitting there.

Did I need help with something?

Well, you can start dinner.

So he came into the kitchen and started dinner.

I came back to my office.

And I was done.

I was just kind of sitting here.

Spacing things out.

Because for whatever reason today, I haven’t been angry.

I haven’t been upset.

I haven’t been sad.

It’s just passive.

That’s the best way I know how to describe it.

Passive Is the Calm Before the Storm for Me

For me, I know that when I’m in these passive headspaces, it’s the calm before the storm.

It’s me brewing over all the things that I think are happening.

The things that I think I’m hearing.

And rather than address it, I sit with it and go about my day.

So he made dinner.

When dinner was ready, we all sat down to eat.

I asked him what his plans were for the rest of the evening.

He told me and then asked what my plans were.

Jokingly, I asked again what his plans were.

Because what I wanted him to say was that he wanted to spend time with me.

Doing something with me.

Because that’s what Sundays are supposed to be for.

Except he acknowledged that he overslept today and that didn’t happen.

Tonight, I Just Wanted to Be Pampered

The joke became:

Okay, so if we spend time together, what are we going to do?

And tonight, I just felt like being pampered.

I don’t know.

I don’t know if it’s actually about being pampered or if it’s about the fact that when he’s pampering me, the attention is on me.

He can’t very well be doing something else while he’s pampering me.

But that’s my mindset.

So I joked about it.

I rubbed my feet against his.

He asked, “Do you want a pedicure?”

I said, “Thanks. You want to give me a pedicure? That’d be great. I’d love that.”

He laughed and said, “You know, you could just ask.”

And I said:

“Well, you could just offer.”

There Were Words Exchanged That Were Never Actually Said

I think there were words exchanged there that were never actually said.

Because all I know is that when the conversation was said and done, I no longer wanted to be pampered.

I just wanted to go to bed.

When I get into those headspaces where I don’t want to fight, it’s dangerous.

That means I’m writing off a lot of things.

That means I’m closing up shop and preparing for the end.

It means I don’t care.

And it’s not because I want to not care.

It’s just easier to not care.

I Know I Could Have the Conversation

Even as I sit here and process all of that, I know I could go back and have that conversation.

I could say:

Hey, this is how this came across to me.

This is how I internalized it.

This is what my thoughts were.

This is what I’m feeling.

But I know I won’t.

Not because I’m vindictive.

Not because I want to fight.

But because I don’t see the point.

I don’t feel like it’s going to go anywhere.

I don’t feel like it’s going to be helpful to me.

So I just sit passively.

And I Know What Happens Next

I know I’ll go to bed and feel some kind of way.

I’ll scoot to the edge of my side of the bed.

I’ll curl up with my teddy bear and pretend like someone’s holding me because it’ll help me calm down and go to sleep.

But I won’t be pretending that it’s my husband.

It’ll just be a way of disconnecting.

Then tomorrow, or sometime down the road, you’ll hear me write in my journal that my husband and I are disconnected and I don’t like the way our relationship is.

I know that I play a part in that.

I just don’t know how to get off the roller coaster.

I don’t know how to stop it.

I Don’t Want to Beg

In these moments, I feel like I have to defend myself for wanting something.

For wanting the kindness that comes along with someone wanting to do something with me.

And that’s when I hole up.

I get really frustrated because then I feel like I’m having to beg.

I don’t want to beg.

It starts to feel like I’m asking too much.

I’m wanting too much.

I have these requirements that can’t be met.

And I don’t know if that’s actually true or not.

It’s just how I feel.

It’s Been a Rough Twenty-Four Hours

Last night, I was talking to someone about hanging out in my office with the dogs and setting up a mini fridge so we would never have to leave.

They said something about me and my three dogs.

I only have two.

I lost my third dog back in June.

And just those words made me tear up.

I felt sad.

I felt lonely.

I wanted to be held.

But I knew there was no one available to hold me.

My husband was playing poker.

It wouldn’t have even made sense for me to ask him.

He wouldn’t have left.

He was busy.

So I did what I usually do.

I distracted myself.

I Distracted Myself Until It Didn’t Work Anymore

I found something else to keep my mind busy so that I wasn’t focused on what I was actually feeling.

And it worked.

Until it didn’t.

Something else happened and overrode the comfort I had built up to forget.

At that point, I just checked out.

I said I should go to bed.

My head hit the pillow and I was out.

Because it wasn’t just that I was physically tired.

I was emotionally drained.

I didn’t know what to do with any of my emotions anymore.

Today, I Just Watched Things Happen to Me

Today I was passive.

I didn’t bite.

I didn’t yell.

I didn’t cry.

It’s almost like I didn’t feel at all.

I just watched the things happen to me versus being a part of what was happening.

It’s a very dangerous place to be in—to be passive.

It’s almost like an out-of-body experience.

You watch something happen to you without acknowledging what it’s doing to you.

That’s my day.

I’m watching my life happen versus participating in my life today.

I Know What My Brain Will Try to Tell Me Tonight

I’m sure I’ll process more of this tonight as I go to bed and try to sleep.

Because that’s what my brain does.

I will find some way to soothe myself.

I will find some way to overcome the dark thoughts and ideas that nobody likes me.

Nobody wants me.

I’m not needed.

I’ll argue that with myself.

And we’ll see which side wins.

Recently, the more positive side has won.

And while I don’t feel angst or anger, I know there’s something lingering that I’m going to have to address.

I’m Not Going to Force Myself to Address It Tonight

I’m not going to force myself to do so.

I’m not going to ignore it.

I’m going to keep taking steps forward.

I recognize that today, not letting it consume me was growth.

I recognize that instead of fighting and just saying, “You know what? I’m going to let it just live there for a while,” is growth.

I’m not going to act on it.

I’m not going to yell.

I’m not going to scream.

I’m not going to fight.

I’m not going to pack my clothes when I want to.

I’m not going to run when I want to.

I’m going to just breathe.

And then wait for tomorrow.

See what comes of it.

Because It Really Is One Day at a Time

As much as I remind you guys, I also have to remember:

It’s one day at a time.

It’s not linear.

It’s all over the place.

So tonight, if you’re feeling passive—like something is bubbling underneath—know that you’re not alone.

It doesn’t always have to be explained in the moment.

Sometimes we just have to sit with it until we can figure out what’s coming or what’s happening.

And today?

That’s my day.

But I’m still okay.

I’m still here.

I’m still present.

I’m still alive.

I can still feel myself.

I can still hear myself.

I’m just not as much of a participant in my life today as I would have liked to have been.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was not letting everything consume me.

Despite the things that happened today that were out of my control, it wasn’t a bad day.

It felt good to take a nap.

It felt good laying on my couch and watching TV.

I used to do that often.

And I enjoyed it.

Today, I recognized that not letting everything consume me was growth.

Sometimes growth isn’t fixing everything.

Sometimes growth is not reacting.

Sometimes it’s breathing.

Sometimes it’s letting something sit there until you’re ready to understand it.

Sometimes it’s just making it through the day.

Welcome to the Club

For those of you who understand exactly what that feels like—

For those of us who struggle with feeling like that far more often than we don’t—

Welcome to the club.

It’s not the most popular club.

It’s not the most fun club.

But it’s a club of people who are working just as hard as you to survive the day.

Today is another page in the story. It doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be written. And before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself, what was your bite of pie today? Until tomorrow, love you loud.