Dear Baffled Me: When Logic and Reasoning Don't Apply

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Have you ever tried to use logic and reasoning to understand something where logic does not apply?

Every time you think you get to it, you figured it out, something changes and lets you know that you didn't.

That's where my brain has been today.

Job Hunting Is My Self-Harm

I had an email come through last weekend about a job, and I was kind of curious what that would lead to.

For those who don't know, job hunting and accepting jobs is my self-harm.

I will do that in order to feel wanted.

My brain tells me that being able to interview for a job means that I got picked.

Getting the job means that they chose me.

It's a huge dopamine hit for me.

So I will apply for jobs and get jobs that I don't know how to say no to.

There's No Reason for Me to Go Looking for a New One

I responded to the email, although I love the job that I currently have.

There's no reason for me to go looking for a new one.

I set up an appointment to talk with them today.

I just kind of wanted to know more about it.

This morning they called me, and I got some information about it.

I instantly got excited because, wow, this job sounds really great.

It sounds really cool.

It's doing the exact same thing that I'm doing now with a bonus twist to it.

And I wanted more information.

I Knew I Shouldn't Have Gotten More Information

Because that opens the door to me wanting to get this job.

So I got more information.

I got excited.

I started asking questions.

And in my head all morning long, I'm trying to figure out how I can make this work.

How do I pull this off?

I don't know.

But I figured the least I could do was give it a try.

I Went Through the Whole Process

I sent my resume.

My certification.

I sent out references.

I went through the whole process as if I'm taking this job.

Because in my head:

Why wouldn't I?

Why would I turn down that opportunity?

And I was excited about it.

Obviously, If I'm Excited, He's Going to Be Excited

I couldn't wait to come home and talk to my husband about it.

Because again, that just makes sense.

Obviously, if I'm excited about it, he's going to be excited about it.

Right?

That's how that works?

No.

I know that's not how it works.

But if I can convince myself that's how it's going to go, I can stay excited.

I Was Already Upset

I got home, took care of the dogs, and laid down for a nap because I was upset.

This morning I was upset.

I took a shower, and all the bad things that I had played out in my head the night before were just living there.

I knew I was upset.

I knew I left for work feeling upset.

And I think that helped motivate me to look more into this position.

It Was Just a Clusterfuck

I came home.

I took care of the dogs.

I laid on the couch and watched TV.

I set my alarm so I could get up and pick up my kid from school.

My husband came in, and I was really startled because I wasn't expecting him to walk in.

He was just like:

What's wrong?

I was asleep and hadn't expected him to walk in.

So I jumped up thinking I had to go pick up my kid right then and there.

It wasn't time.

It was just a clusterfuck.

My Office Is My Retreat

I got my stuff and went to pick up my kid.

We talked on the way back about how great his day was and all the things happening at school.

The usual.

We got home, and I came into my office.

Because that's kind of my retreat.

When I don't want to be bothered, I come into my office.

Especially now that I have this new office.

Before, my office didn't have a door.

People walked by and would talk to me.

Which was fine.

I didn't mind that.

But having a door in my office leaves me to close it and just kind of be closed off from everybody.

And I do that intentionally now.

I've Got to Work on It

I've noticed that I close myself off.

Before, I was kind of inviting people in to talk to me and hang out with me.

I've got to work on it.

It's a work in progress.

If I Don't Get This Drink, I'm Surely Going to Die

I'm sitting here in my office, and I get this craving for a drink.

A drink I could go get myself.

But I'm not going to.

So I send my husband a message that's all do or die.

Like:

My gosh, if I don't get this drink right here, right now, I'm surely going to die.

You don't have to do it.

But it may be held against you at a later point.

He agrees to do it.

And we go together to get this drink.

He Doesn't Seem Nearly as Excited as I Do

Before we go, I'm excited and telling him my news.

And he doesn't seem nearly as excited as I do.

So I'm trying to figure out why.

What makes him falter in this great plan of mine?

He tells me:

This particular position will take you away for nine months, and I wouldn't be able to see you.

Okay.

That's fine.

And he says:

No, but I just want to see you.

I don't compute that.

I don't understand.

To Him, It Makes Complete Logical Sense

I recognize that to him, it makes complete logical sense.

And to me?

I am baffled.

I do not understand it.

He says:

That's it.

I just want to be able to see you.

And in my head, I'm using logic.

We Don't Really See Each Other Now

Right now we have opposite shifts.

He goes to play poker at seven or eight o'clock.

I go to bed.

I get up in the morning and go to work.

By the time I get up to go to work, he's going to sleep.

So we just kind of miss each other.

We don't really see each other now.

Then he says:

Well, I want to be able to touch you.

And my thought was:

We don't do that now either.

In My Mind, Nothing Changes

Last night he didn't have poker.

He wasn't playing poker at all.

But he still chose to stay up all night instead of coming to bed with me.

So in my mind, nothing changes.

There's no reason why we should not do this.

And I realize that I'm trying to apply reasoning and logic to something that, for him, may not have reasoning or logic to it.

For him, it's simply:

Hey, this is how I feel.

For me:

Nothing changes.

So why does it matter?

A Plus B Equals C

I get stuck.

I am a very logic-and-reasoning kind of person to the point that I will throw away any other suggestion or idea that contradicts it.

Because for me:

A plus B equals C.

And because A plus B equals C, why would I consider anything else?

Why would it make any sense to try to consider anything else?

It doesn't.

I Needed a Sounding Board

I came into my office and did what I usually do.

I found a sounding board.

I called my best friend.

I said:

I'm really baffled by this.

I need to hear from somebody else.

What are you thinking?

And I gave them the spiel.

The job.

The details.

Everything.

And without missing a beat, without me saying anything, my friend said:

You guys don't do that now.

And I'm like:

Okay.

So it's not just me.

Nothing Happens. Nothing Changes.

It's not just in my head that this doesn't happen and nothing changes.

That's just what it is.

Nothing happens.

Nothing changes.

And I don't know how to wrap my head around that.

Because I don't think he's lying to me.

I don't think I'm misunderstanding what he's saying.

I believe those things are important to him.

But for me, they aren't important enough to do anything about them while I'm here.

So why would it matter if I'm not here?

That's my logic.

It's Not Like I'm Gone Forever

There are vacations.

Weekends.

The whole nine yards.

He doesn't see things that way.

And I thought that was really interesting.

For me, it's just:

This makes sense.

Why would I not do it?

We Just Kind of Coexist Near Each Other

We don't sleep in the same bed together now.

We don't hang out together now.

Perfect example:

He's up somewhere in my house.

I believe he was going to the living room.

I've been in my office since we got back from getting gas.

We've barely talked or interacted.

And I recognize part of that is because I came to my office, shut my door, and that was the end of it.

I presume he's probably in the living room either laying down or playing on his phone.

That's just kind of what we do when we're home.

We just kind of coexist near each other.

I Don't Automatically Assume I'll Be Missed

Knowing that we're very different that way and that we don't really interact with each other, I don't assume automatically that I'll be missed if I'm gone.

That's not how my brain works.

Especially with technology.

You've got FaceTime.

We both have Apple products.

It's not like we can't FaceTime.

I'm not against a plane ride.

In my head, it's feasible.

It makes sense.

Because nothing actually changes.

I'm Trying Not to Trample Over His Feelings

I get really baffled.

I get really stuck in it.

And I replay it in my head over and over again.

I'm trying to figure out how to explain to him my thought process while not trampling over his feelings.

Because I'm not intending to do that.

But I know that for the last couple of days, my feelings have been really hurt.

And I think that kind of spawns where this goes for me.

Things Get Said and They Hit Me Really Hard

He doesn't necessarily say things with the intent to hurt me.

At least I would hope not.

But things get said.

Things happen.

And they hit me really hard.

Yesterday, he came to bed while I was getting up.

I made the comment that he sleeps better without me.

And he just kind of agreed to it.

For me, that turned into him saying that.

He said:

I didn't say that.

You said that.

No.

But you agreed to it.

Me Not Being Here Would Actually Be a Plus for You

If you're essentially better sleeping without me, then me not being here would actually be a plus for you.

Then we were talking about how I wanted a pedicure last night.

And he was not into giving me a pedicure.

That hurt my feelings.

Not because I didn't get the pedicure.

The Pedicure Represented One-on-One Time

For me, the pedicure represented one-on-one time where he actually had to interact with me.

It's the one time he can't necessarily overly focus on his phone.

Because you're touching my feet.

We're going to talk.

We're going to interact with each other.

That's why I set it up that way.

But of course, I don't say that.

I just kind of nudge, nudge.

This is why we should do this so that we can do it together.

I Don't Know How to Communicate That Properly

That didn't work out last night.

So that hurt my feelings.

Because it was:

How do I convey to somebody who presumably knows me that this is what I'm looking for?

This is what I'm wanting.

I don't know how to communicate that properly.

So I just didn't.

I went to bed upset.

His First Reaction Was to Laugh

He came to lay with me at some point last night.

I'm explaining to him:

This really bothered me.

It bothered me because you said this.

And his first reaction was just to laugh at me.

I don't think he was doing it to be rude.

But to me, it came as a slight.

Because I'm telling you that I feel upset or sad about something, and your first reaction is to laugh.

How Can It Be Important for Me to Stay Here?

I'm confused.

I'm baffled.

How can it be important for me to stay here if that is your reaction when I'm talking to you about how I feel?

I was a little perturbed by that.

I Show Up for His Dream

He's starting a new business.

He's working hard to get it going.

He's doing really well.

And I support that.

I don't always understand it.

I don't know the ins and outs of his business.

I know he enjoys playing poker, and that's what he wants to do.

So I say:

Go for it.

That's your dream.

Live your dream.

That Looks Like Me Supporting Him

That looks like me watching his Twitch streams.

Helping him set that up.

YouTube.

All the likes.

Which I've done.

No complaints.

Then I asked him last night:

So where are you with my podcast?

He said:

I'm like four or five episodes behind.

Okay.

That Felt Like a Slap in the Face

If I can get on, watch you, and support you daily, why am I not worth that same effort?

His thought process wasn't that he wasn't showing me effort.

It wasn't that I wasn't important.

His thought process was that my podcast was something he could watch in a bunch at some point and catch up.

But because I'm who I am, I watch that number religiously.

In a Perfect World, My Husband Would Be One of Those

One person streamed today.

Five people streamed today.

And when that passes, it's on to the next show to see how many people streamed that episode.

I'm not going back to see if the numbers rose in the other ones.

At that point, I've already clocked that only five people liked it.

Maybe.

And in a perfect world, my husband would be one of those.

That's not what I heard last night.

I Heard That My Business Adventures Didn't Mean as Much as His

Last night I heard that while I should support his things that he wants and back him up, he can do so at will with mine.

And it hurt.

It's not that he doesn't support what I'm doing.

He cheers me on.

He tells me good job all the time.

But it felt different.

Knowing that I show up for him daily and mine was kind of whenever he gets around to it.

How Do You Lose Something You Don't Have?

When considering all those things together, I hear this opportunity.

And it's baffling to me.

Why would you want me to stay?

I don't understand.

We don't interact now.

How could it be important to lose that?

How do you lose something you don't have?

That's how my brain works.

I Was Already in the Mindset That I Wasn't Loved

I recognize that for me, that has a lot to do with my mental health.

I was already in the mindset that I wasn't loved.

I wasn't wanted.

I wasn't needed.

I'm unimportant.

And because those things existed this morning, it was really easy to see this opportunity as a way to free myself from a situation.

Then I could just be by myself.

He could be by himself.

Everything would be fine.

Everything would be great.

It would give us the chance to live our lives by ourselves as we're doing now.

I Don't Do Wise Mind

I have the habit of either being really emotional with something or overly rational with it.

In therapy, we call it the three mindsets.

There's the wise mind, which is a combination of both.

There's the emotion mind, which I'm really good at.

And then there is a third one that starts with an R, but it's not registering right now.

But I do one or the other.

I don't do wise mind.

I can't be in the middle.

Either I feel all of this.

Or I feel all of this, so I'm going to do this other irrational thing to make up for it.

Fine, I'll Never Eat Cereal Again

Perfect example.

If you tell me:

You've been eating a lot of cereal lately.

My reaction isn't to explain:

I don't have the energy to eat anything else.

I don't have the mental capacity to go into my kitchen and cook.

What I'm going to say is:

Fine.

I'll never eat cereal again.

You will never catch me eating a bowl of cereal.

Everything Is Personal

That seems a bit extreme for:

Hey, you've eaten a lot of cereal lately.

But that's how I rationalize it.

I take everything as a personal hit.

Everything is personal.

No matter how unpersonal it is.

That's mental health.

We Hear the Things That Are Not Said

You can say:

Hey, you did a great job today.

And I'll hear the inflection in your voice that says:

You're just saying that because you're supposed to.

That's how it works in my brain.

Maybe That's Not True

He listens to my podcast.

And I'll ask what he hears about it.

It's:

They were good.

And in my mind:

Well, I know that on several of those podcasts, I was bitching about you.

So how do you take away that it was good?

Why don't you have questions?

Hey, why was this your thought?

Why did this happen?

Where was this going?

It seems to be a lack of interest.

But again, that may not be true.

It's just how I hear it.

That's how it makes me feel.

And because that's how it makes me feel, that's what I run with.

Mental Health Is Fighting the Thoughts Against the Reality

That's mental health.

Mental health is fighting the thoughts that you have against the reality that exists.

And it's a fight.

Constantly.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was that I had a good day at work.

I had a great time with my client.

And I came home and said:

You know what?

I'm taking a nap.

I'm going to lay down and rest before I get into something with somebody because I don't need to fight.

There's no reason for it.

I'm going to relax and let my mind calm down.

I knew that's what I needed to do.

Not everything has to be a fight.

I don't have to understand everything all the time.

As much as I want to.

And believe me:

I want to.

Today was just accepting things how they were.

I didn't like it.

I liked aspects of the day.

I did not like my day.

My day's not over yet.

I still have to have dinner.

I still need to take care of things for tomorrow.

Make plans.

And I will.

I wanted to work on my book today.

Haven't touched it.

But I will.

I'll take it one day at a time because that's the best that I can do.

That's all I've got.

Today is another page in the story.

It doesn't have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.