Dear Frisky Me: When Desire Is Not the Same as Connection

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What do you do when you are in the mood but feel estranged from your significant other?

Do you ignore the feeling?

Do you act on it?

Today, I got to wrestle with that.

We have talked before about how my relationship with my husband is not where I want it to be.

And this morning, after getting up and taking care of a few things around the house, I sat down in my office and realized I was feeling frisky.

And then I had to figure out what I wanted to do with that.

I Was Not Sure How to Handle It

I sat there trying to decide how to approach the situation.

How to handle it.

What I actually wanted.

I was not really sure.

So I messaged my husband and asked whether he was going to be in and out of the bedroom.

He said no.

Then he came to check on me in the office.

I told him I wanted to go lie down.

Take a nap.

Usually, if I take a nap, I do it in the living room with the TV on.

If I go into the bedroom?

There are usually other reasons.

I Thought He Was Coming With Me

He started talking about how, if I was going to take a nap, he would probably lie down too.

I took that to mean he was going to come into the bedroom with me.

So I sat there for a minute and contemplated.

Because while I was feeling frisky, my original plan was to take care of it myself.

I just did not want to be interrupted.

But if he was coming into the room?

Okay.

Fine.

I could figure out how to make that work.

Then He Never Came In

I went to the bedroom.

I laid down.

The dogs came in.

And I waited.

And waited.

He never came in.

Eventually, I messaged him.

He was in the living room.

I believe laying on the couch.

So I made a joke about how I could not roll over to grab the remote to turn the TV on.

And he actually came in and brought it to me.

I was joking.

I did not expect him to do that.

But he did.

And Then the Mood Was Gone

I asked if he was really not going to lie down in the bedroom with me.

Nope.

If I was turning the TV on, he was going back to the living room.

Okay.

He left.

And I laid there.

And all of a sudden, what I had been feeling did not exist anymore.

Gone.

It Was Not About Him Knowing What I Wanted

It is not that he obviously knew what I was thinking.

I do not assume that he knew what kind of mood I was in.

Or what I had in mind.

But suddenly, the idea of taking care of it on my own did not sound as appealing anymore.

And I also knew something else.

If I had invited him into the room, he would have come.

If I had asked him to join me, he probably would have.

But then I would have had to deal with how I felt afterward.

Why Did I Do That?

It is not that he coerces me.

He would never do that.

That is not what I mean.

It is more the feeling afterward.

Why did I do that when I know where our relationship is?

Why did I put myself in that position?

Why did I act on the physical want when I knew the emotional part was not there?

That is something I really struggle with.

I Still Have Wants

I still have wants.

I still have needs.

I am human.

That part did not disappear because the relationship changed.

But I also crave emotional connection.

Because I am human.

And that is where it gets complicated.

If we were just about sex?

If we were just fuck buddies?

I could probably handle that just fine.

But once emotion was introduced into the relationship, it changed what I need.

I Need the Emotional Part Too

Now, I need the emotional connection for anything else to feel right.

And I struggle with that.

How do you walk that line?

How do you tiptoe across it?

How do you say:

I want to be desired.

But I also need emotional connection.

How do you explain what that emotional connection looks like?

I Want to Feel Wanted

I feel like I have had this conversation before.

I need to be dated.

I need to feel like you want to be around me.

I need to feel like I am a priority.

And I think sometimes the wires get crossed.

What I say does not always translate into what he hears.

And then the same conversation comes back again.

And again.

And again.

What Are You Supposed to Do With That?

Do you pretend the need does not exist?

Do you cheat?

Do you bury yourself in enough other things that you forget what it feels like to want that kind of connection?

Cheating is not the answer for me.

I would not even know where to begin.

Or where I would find the time.

I work.

I come home.

That is pretty much the extent of it.

But I still miss being desired.

I Miss That Feeling

I miss feeling like someone wants me in that way.

Like if the opportunity presented itself, they would take it.

Lovingly.

I miss that.

We used to be different.

Our relationship used to be different.

And now I am learning how to live inside a different version of my marriage than the one I remember.

We Feel More Like Roommates

I do not know if it is because so much time has passed.

Or because things have been prickly for so long.

I just know the relationship has changed.

We feel much more like roommates than a married couple.

And then what do you do with that?

Do you stay because it is your marriage?

Your relationship?

Your history?

Do you leave because you want something different?

Do you wonder if the grass is greener somewhere else?

Advice Is Easier From the Outside

For everybody else, those questions seem easy to answer.

People tell you:

You should do this.

You should do that.

You should leave.

You should stay.

You should try harder.

You should stop trying.

It is easy to say those things when you are standing outside looking in.

It is much harder to live them.

Twelve Years Is a Long Time

I have been with my husband for twelve years.

That is what I know.

It is a relationship I do not always understand.

But it is my relationship.

It is familiar.

It is what I have.

And I do not always know how to address what I still want from it.

I Am Tired of Having the Same Conversation

Instead of addressing those feelings with my husband for the umpteenth time, I write them here.

I think we are both tired of having that conversation.

I am tired of saying it.

He is tired of hearing it.

So I journal it.

And when I am not journaling it?

I bottle it up.

And then I let days pass.

Months.

Years.

Hoping.

Wishing.

Waiting for something to be different.

Yesterday I Talked About Patience

Yesterday, I talked about being patient.

And I think that ties directly into this.

I am waiting.

Trying to figure out how to navigate all of it.

Trying to understand what patience means when the thing you are waiting for may or may not ever come.

That is not easy.

It Takes Something to Admit You Are Not Getting What You Need

I think it takes something big inside you to sit down and say:

This is what I want.

This is what I need.

And then admit:

That is not what I am getting.

That is hard.

But even after admitting it, the question remains.

What do you do now?

How do you move?

I Do Not Have the Answer

I do not know.

I do not have some beautifully packaged answer for that.

Today, my answer was a nap.

That is what I did.

I went to bed.

I slept for three glorious hours in a nice, cool room.

No thoughts.

No cares.

Nothing.

It Was Not What I Wanted

It was not what I wanted.

But it is what I did.

Do I wish the moment had been different?

Yeah.

Am I content with what actually happened?

Yeah.

Because maybe it was not what I wanted.

Maybe it was what I needed.

Wanting Something Does Not Mean It Will Satisfy You

Sometimes we crave something.

We want it.

We want it a certain way.

At a certain time.

And just because we want it does not mean it will actually satisfy the thing underneath it.

I think that is what would have happened today.

I could have gotten the immediate want met.

And I still would not have had what I was actually looking for.

The Deeper Need Was Still There

I could have acted on the physical feeling.

I could have gotten some kind of release.

And then what?

Would I have felt emotionally connected?

No.

Would I have felt more wanted?

Probably not.

Would I have walked away feeling fulfilled?

That is the part I was not sure about.

And if I already know the answer is probably no, then maybe the physical want is not the real issue.

How Do Relationships Get Here?

I wonder about that a lot.

You hear people talk about divorce.

Loveless marriages.

Roommate marriages.

Relationships that feel completely different from where they started.

And from the outside, you wonder:

How did it get that bad?

How did you let it get there?

But I do not think people always let it happen.

Sometimes Change Is Quiet

I think sometimes the relationship changes so slowly that you do not notice while it is happening.

You change.

They change.

Life changes.

Stress changes you.

Pain changes you.

Responsibility changes you.

And sometimes the changes are obvious.

Sometimes they are tiny.

So small that you do not recognize them until one day you wake up and realize:

I am different now.

Relationships Change Because People Change

If that happens within ourselves, of course it happens inside relationships too.

As I grow and change, my relationship is going to grow and change.

As my husband grows and changes, the relationship changes again.

And the thing we end up with may not look like what we imagined when we started.

That is the reality.

Can I Live With What It Has Become?

I think the real question becomes:

Can I live with what this relationship is now?

Do I want to live with it?

Is this version enough for me?

Can I be happy here?

That is a much harder question than:

Should I stay married?

Because there is a lot hiding inside that answer.

Sometimes You Have to Rewrite the Story

I say it all the time.

If you do not like where the story is going, rewrite it.

If you do not like where the characters are headed, change something.

Unfortunately, sometimes rewriting the story means writing a character out.

Sometimes it means that character changes dramatically.

Sometimes it means the entire plot shifts.

Only you can decide what that looks like.

Nobody Knows My Life Better Than I Do

We ask people for advice.

Their opinions.

Their experiences.

Their thoughts.

But no one knows my life better than I do.

No one knows exactly how I feel.

No one knows what I am experiencing as deeply as I do.

I can explain it.

I can try to put it into words.

But it will never perfectly capture what it feels like to live it.

Ultimately, the decision is mine.

What Am I Willing to Live Without?

What am I willing to sacrifice?

What am I willing to live without?

And still be happy?

How important is this to me?

Is it something I will regret?

Is it something I will eventually hold against him?

Is it something I will start looking for somewhere else?

Those are questions I have to answer.

Looking Somewhere Else Would Tell Me Something

If I ever reach the point where I am actively looking outward for what I am not getting inside my marriage, that tells me something.

That is not an answer.

But it is information.

It means there is a larger problem.

And at that point, something has to change.

Either we find a solution.

Or we do not.

Avoiding It Is Still a Choice

Even deciding not to fix something is still a decision.

Avoidance is a choice too.

And I think we do the same thing with our mental health.

We recognize something is wrong.

We recognize that we do not like what is happening.

We recognize that we are struggling.

And then sometimes we avoid it.

We distract ourselves.

We ignore it.

We keep going.

At Some Point You Have to Say This Is Not Working

Eventually, there comes a moment when you have to sit down and say:

This is not working.

I need to do something different.

That does not automatically tell you what the different thing is.

But acknowledging the problem matters.

Because pretending it is not there does not make it disappear.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was realizing that sometimes wanting something does not mean I should automatically act on it.

Sometimes I have to decide what matters more.

Getting the immediate want met.

Or listening to the deeper need underneath it.

Today, I chose differently.

I went to bed.

I slept.

I let the feeling pass.

And then I sat with what it was trying to tell me.

I still want to be desired.

I still want emotional connection.

I still want to feel wanted.

Loved.

Prioritized.

That did not disappear.

And I do not want to ignore those needs just because they are harder to deal with.

It is time to listen to all of my needs.

Not just the easy ones.

Not just the physical ones.

Not just the ones that are simple to solve.

All of them.

And if you are feeling frisky and have no idea what to do with it, do not feel guilty.

It is a natural feeling.

You also are not obligated to act on it.

Take a moment.

Ask yourself what you are actually wanting.

Ask yourself what you are actually needing.

Those answers may not be the same.

And maybe that is the point.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.