Dear On Edge Me: Someone’s Gotta Choose Me. May as Well Be Me.

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Have you ever been anxious in a way that it was excitement and nerves?

Like the situation could go either way.

It could be really good.

Or really bad.

That has been my day.

I Was Putting Myself Out There

I had some news about a job last night, which I shared, that I was putting myself out there for.

And I didn't know what was going to come of it.

So I just kind of let it fester and went on about the rest of my night.

Today I got up and hadn't heard back from them, so I didn't think anything of it.

I went to work.

Had fun with my client.

He was a blast.

Giggly.

Playful.

The whole nine yards.

Then I got home.

And the nerves kicked right back in again.

This Opportunity Is Really Big to Me

Not in the traditional:

My gosh, more money.

Better hours.

It's just the way that it could change my life.

And I wasn't sure if that was something I was going to be able to figure out.

So I was trying to do all the things in my head.

Weigh the pros and cons.

And that's so much easier to say than to do.

I'm the kind of person who sees pros and cons generally very close to each other.

It's a pro that I can get a new job.

It's a con that I can get a new job.

Will I like this job?

I think so.

I think I'll love it.

Do I like the job I currently have?

Absolutely.

I love it.

I'm Kind of Sitting On Edge Here

I'm trying to figure out how I deal with all the nerves behind what I could do with this new job.

And if I should be offered an interview and then get said job:

How do I make the decision whether or not to take it?

I just don't know.

For me, it's researching.

I research all the things.

How it would change my life.

My family's life.

But I can't help feeling a little bit excited.

And a little bit nervous.

How Do You Make a Decision When You Don't Know How to Make a Decision?

You see in movies:

Just flip a coin and decide.

Okay.

But how do you flip a coin to decide such an important aspect of your life?

I've got friends here.

Family here.

And my decision could affect anybody and everybody all at one time.

I just don't know what to do.

I've Been Googling Up a Storm

I've decided somehow that instead of feeling my feelings when things get big, I will logic them out.

I will make lists.

I will look up things.

I will research.

Because I'm convinced that the more research I do, the clearer the answer becomes.

That doesn't always work.

Sometimes that makes my answer that much harder.

But it's exciting.

I realize that if I could get offered this position, I could potentially be doing something big for myself.

But Then Is It Selfish?

Is it selfish to say:

Hey.

This is a dream of mine.

And go for it when I know the dream isn't one that the rest of my family shares?

Do I ignore that?

Do I sit down and try to talk them into it?

Because I don't feel like that's the accurate answer.

I should never have to convince somebody else to go along with my dreams.

Do I give up my dreams?

It's Like a Rock and a Hard Place

There's so many things I want to do.

I'm sure that has become quite apparent with me doing Dear Journal.

I have Dear Journal.

I have my webpage.

I have my own business.

I have journals.

I have books.

I am a creative at best.

I am dabbling in something all the time.

Don't mind my fidget.

Again:

I'm on edge.

How Do I Have That Conversation?

I don't know how I'm going to relax my mind tonight.

I don't know how I'm going to take a step back and say:

You can make this decision on your own.

Because I'm not making a decision on my own.

There are people that it affects.

How do I have that conversation?

Where do I begin to have that conversation?

Hey.

This is something that I'm thinking of.

I don't know if it can work.

It's just an idea.

Nothing's been decided.

How do we handle it?

I don't know.

I've Been Convincing Myself for Years That My Dreams Aren't as Important

I know that I love the people in my life.

And I know that the people in my life, for the most part, love me.

My wants and my dreams are equally as important.

But I've been convincing myself for many years now that they aren't.

My dreams aren't worth pursuing.

The things I want aren't as important.

They can take a back seat to what everybody else wants.

And then it's right there.

Where you can just kind of touch the hem of it.

What do you do?

It's Something I've Been Waiting for for a Long Time

And I don't want it to be nerves that keep me from doing what I love.

But I also can see how that would work.

I'm so afraid that everything is going to fail that I don't make moves.

I'm terrified of making moves.

I saw a post on TikTok the other day talking about anxious attachment.

I'm very much an anxious attachment personality style.

It was saying how we can know that something's bad.

We can know a situation's bad for us.

And stay in it because we're afraid of the idea of being alone and having to start over.

Man.

Those words hit hard.

Do I Stay Because I Want to Be Here?

Do I stay because I enjoy being here?

Because this is what I want out of life?

Staying with the job that I have now?

Or do I say:

You know, this job can open doors.

Make moves.

Give me a life that I desire.

Do I say that I'm important enough to choose myself?

Am I Important Enough to Choose Myself?

I think that becomes the bigger question.

Am I important enough to choose myself?

Oftentimes I'm not.

Oftentimes I take far more into consideration what other people are going to think.

How it's going to affect them.

What they're going to want.

And I don't think that's a negative.

I think that's really good that I am able to do that.

I don't know if that is supposed to count more than my own vote.

When Did I Stop Wanting to Live Life for Me?

Trust and believe that I don't always want to live life.

I have done things in this life that I'm not necessarily proud of to try to make sure that I wasn't living life.

But I'm still here.

And I think the fact that I'm still here means that I should do something with that.

It seems silly to waste the fact that despite the tries, I still exist.

I still have these wants.

I still have these goals.

Things could change.

Things could happen.

If I give them a shot.

I Could Be Unbelievably Happy

I could travel the world.

I could live.

Laugh.

Eat.

Well, I mean, to be fair, I do those three now a lot.

But the point is:

I could say:

Hey.

You've always wanted this.

And you've gone for it.

You saw something that you wanted.

And you went for it.

You didn't let fear hold you back.

You didn't let all the things of yesteryear keep you from trying.

There's a Lot From Yesteryear

There's a lot from my past that makes me very timid about making moves and making changes.

I love structure.

I love things the way they're supposed to be.

When they're supposed to be.

How they're supposed to be.

Such a good job means changing that.

It means having to learn new policies.

New rules.

Meet new people.

Meet new people.

While I'm great with meeting new people, the idea of meeting new people scares the crap out of me.

How am I supposed to handle that?

How Do I Decide Whether I'm Important Enough for This Change?

I think part of it is that I have to keep telling myself that I am.

I have spent so many years telling myself that I'm not.

The very least I deserve is just as much time telling myself that I am.

That it's okay to have big dreams.

And to go for them.

That it's okay to want things that are different than others.

If I can use my platform to tell kids and other adults to go after the things they want and rewrite their stories, I should be able to rewrite mine too.

There is no reason why I should stifle myself.

This Is a Pep Talk to Myself

It sounds like a pep talk to me.

And it is.

My journal entry today is very much a pep talk to myself.

It's me needing to hear:

It's okay.

It's okay to want something.

It's okay to go after things that you desire.

You're deserving of it too.

Those words are so hard.

They're so heavy for some of us.

We don't know how to let ourselves have the things we think we deserve.

We've convinced ourselves everybody else is deserving of things.

Everything else is worthy of things.

Except for us.

I've Done a Really Good Job of Beating Myself Down

I've done a really good job telling myself that I deserve the bare minimum.

And you know?

I've gotten the bare minimum from a lot of people.

But it's never been worse than getting it from myself.

I don't want that anymore.

I want to live life.

I want to experience life.

I want to be able to say that I gave it my all.

That I tried.

I learned new things.

I felt new things.

I did new things.

I can't do that sitting in my own little corner.

I can't do that without putting myself out there.

I can't do that without rewriting my story.

I Don't Know Where This Job Goes

I don't know if they call me and say:

Hey, we want to schedule an interview.

I don't know if they say:

Hey, this sounds like a good idea.

Let's keep talking.

I don't know.

I do know I'm excited for the possibility.

I do know that this is one step closer to something that's been really important to me.

Something I've wanted for a long time.

I know that it makes me happy.

It makes me smile.

And it's been a while since I've just been happy and I've smiled.

I think that counts for something.

Go Ahead and Be On Edge

But try anyway.

Make the effort to do something for you anyway.

I reached out to the company.

I am waiting to hear back.

I have spoken with my current job about the possibility.

Now I just wait.

On edge.

But I wait.

And I accept that whatever is going to happen is just going to happen.

That doesn't mean it's a negative reflection of me.

It doesn't mean I'm a bad person.

It doesn't mean I'm not wanted.

It just means that for that moment, that wasn't for me.

And I get to keep trying to find some way to get to the things that I desire.

That I want.

That I deserve.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie is choosing me.

That feels different.

It feels weird.

But it feels good.

It feels right.

Someone's gotta choose me.

May as well be me.

If you're out there trying to figure out how you make these big, life-altering decisions, remember that you count for a vote.

Not for a vote for somebody else.

You are your vote for you.

You have to do what makes you happy too.

What feels right to you.

It's a big decision.

But you should be a part of it.

You should stop letting everyone else's life determine where yours goes.

They're not writing your story.

You are.

Be the hero in your story.

Today is another page in the story.

It doesn't have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.