Dear Brave Me: Giving Me Some of Me Back

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How do you muster up the courage to do something when you're so afraid to move?

I have often wondered how to make that work.

How do I do the things that I know I need to do when I need to do them?

Today has been—

not hard.

But scary.

Guys, I Did the Interview

I told you yesterday about the job I was waiting to hear from.

Doing an interview.

What that would mean.

Where that would go.

And I was really excited.

And it worked.

Guys, I did the interview.

And I was offered a position.

And I was so excited.

So excited.

Because what that could mean is huge.

I Don't Know How to Comprehend How Great This Feels

This opportunity.

And then came the talk with my husband.

It's a conversation I had to have.

I sat down with him and told him:

This is what happened.

Here's what the offer is.

What do you think?

Where do you fall in all of this?

And man.

His answer just made my chest hurt.

Nobody Wants to Hear Their Partner Falter

He said that in the decision between staying and going, it was a really big decision to make.

And it is.

It absolutely is.

I don't deny that.

But nobody wants to hear that, right?

Nobody wants to hear their partner falter on something like that.

So I left it alone for a bit.

Are You Surprised?

I sat there thinking and finally said:

Well, are you surprised?

What I meant was:

Were you surprised that I got the position?

Because it's an opportunity.

His response was:

Am I surprised that every month and a half you look for a new job?

Okay.

I Didn't Go Looking for This Job

The difference here being:

I didn't go looking for this job, guys.

It is literally something that landed in my lap.

I randomly got an email about a random position that I didn't even know existed.

And then it just happened to work out.

But it stung.

I wanted him to be really happy and excited for me.

And with me.

That's not what happened.

His Gut Reaction Was That He'd Stay

I ventured again.

Because, like, gut reaction:

What would you do?

And he said he'd stay.

So I processed that the best that I could.

I got up.

I came to my office.

I closed the door.

And I called the people that I knew I could call.

I Needed a Distraction From Thinking About What Was Happening

Not so much to talk to them about what was going on or what was happening.

Much more so to be a distraction from having to think about what was happening.

I called.

They picked up.

They noticed immediately that I was distraught.

They asked several times:

Hey, why are you crying?

And I just pretended like I didn't hear.

They continued to joke and talk with me the best that they could.

Until a spider landed on me.

Then I freaked out about the spider.

And I kind of stopped the tears from coming.

But I'm Hurt

You guys have heard me talk about my marriage many times.

Even with all the things that I've felt about my marriage and how I feel about where our relationship is—

I still didn't see that coming.

I still wasn't expecting to be hurt.

I thought surely at the end of the day, as long as we were together, we'd figure it out.

I Thought Maybe This Time We'd Do Something for Me

I've stayed here a very long time.

My husband has a child here.

That's a huge part of it.

And that's been a lot of the reason why we've stayed in the area.

I understood that.

Never questioned that.

Things are different now.

And I thought that maybe this time we would do something for me.

You know?

His Support Counts for Something

He is supportive of me going and taking the position despite the fact that he doesn't like it.

And that counts for something.

I just don't know whether to be extremely sad or extremely excited.

I recognize that a lot of people are going to say:

Well, you can be both.

Right.

But depending on which one I focus on, it's going to show how I move.

I'm Trying to Be Brave

And I think that's what brave looks like.

It's doing the hard things even though you're scared.

Right?

I am preparing myself as much as I can mentally and physically.

I know that it's going to be a lot of big feelings.

And hard feelings.

And in-between feelings.

There are going to be times that I cry myself to sleep.

And there are going to be times that I'm just bouncing around with excitement.

At Some Point in Time I Have to Choose Me

I've been talking for a while about rewriting my story.

No time like the present.

I just always thought that in writing my story, someone else would be involved in it.

There hasn't been a talk of the relationship itself.

What that means.

How that affects it.

But you can feel something in the air.

You know?

So I get to learn how to be brave.

And possibly on my own.

I Don't Know How to Do That

I don't know what scares me more.

The idea of being by myself and having to deal with my thoughts.

Or having to take care of things on my own.

I know that I'm capable of taking care of things on my own.

I do it all the time.

Being left alone with my thoughts and my feelings?

That seems really scary.

That seems really hard.

I Know There Are Things I Can Put Into Place

I've got my friends.

I've got my doctors.

I can transfer services out there.

I've got family out there.

I've got friends out there.

It'll be an adjustment.

But it's not where I expected my life to go.

It's not what I expected to sit here and say.

And it's not what I was hoping would happen the way that it's happening.

But it's going to be okay.

I Can Do Hard Things

Right?

We can do hard things.

It may not always be easy at first.

I'm not pretending this is going to be easy.

There's lots of decisions.

Lots of moving parts.

And they have to happen relatively soon.

I get that.

I'm not naive.

But at the same time:

It's one day at a time.

One bite of pie at a time.

That's all I can do.

I Only Control One Bite at a Time

I can't make it move faster than I want.

I can't make it slow down.

I only control one bite at a time.

And right now, I am going to enjoy this bite of pie that I have.

I'm going to make sure that I'm doing the right thing for me.

Getting Pretty Felt Disingenuous

Originally, before I did my podcast tonight, I was going to get all pretty.

Do my hair.

Get all dressed up.

And that felt disingenuous.

Because that's not how I'm feeling.

I feel like curling up in a ball.

And sobbing.

I feel like calling all the people I know and telling them my news.

I feel scared.

I feel a lot of feelings.

And I don't know how to process them.

But I'm going to take my time with it.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was choosing me.

Something I'm not really good at.

Something that I have struggled with a lot in my life.

Something that I'm going to work on getting better at.

Choosing me.

And that starts now.

That might not look like what everybody else wants it to look like.

I may have people in my life who have very strong opinions and feelings about it.

And those are the type of people that I usually let stop me from dreaming big and moving along.

But this time?

This time it's for me.

I've Waited Almost 43 Years to Do Something for Me

It's got to be my birthday present to myself.

Giving me some of me back.

Editing my story.

Making it a story that I want to read and not escape.

So my bite of pie was a hard thing today.

But it was an exciting thing today.

And given the chance?

I probably wouldn't take it back.

I Just Have to Do What's Best for Me

I know that I sound like I'm probably going to cry after this.

And I most likely will.

Giving myself credit for not crying during it.

But I just have to do what's best for me.

That does not mean this stops.

God no.

Because I still have to write my journal every night.

That's been a strong piece of mind.

And I'd love for you guys to see what it looks like working through your mental health and going after your dreams.

Going after the things you want.

Choosing you.

I Hope That As I Choose Myself, You Choose Yourself Too

I hope that as I choose myself, I inspire some of you to choose yourself.

To do the things that you need to do.

So I thank you for coming on the ride with me.

I'm excited to see what happens next.

Where it takes us.

What we learn.

Today is another page in the story.

It doesn't have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.