Dear Emotional Stable Me: Learning to Take Care of Myself First

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Do you ever wonder what it would be like to have everything in your life come together?

Would you embrace it?

Or would you run from it?

I am far from having my life together.

Very far.

But today?

Today was a really good day.

I Stayed Home From Work

I know.

Yesterday, I said I was not going to do that.

But today was different.

There was a reason.

And it was needed.

So I stayed home.

Then I got up and got moving.

I treated myself to coffee.

And a donut.

My favorite donut.

Because obviously, if I am going to get a donut, it might as well be the right one.

I Made a Plan for the Day

After that, I came into my office.

I sat down and planned out what I wanted the day to look like.

And for the most part?

I stuck with it.

At noon, I had the meeting I needed to attend.

That went well.

Then my kiddo and I went out and handled a few things.

We came back home.

I sat on the couch for a little while.

Mostly trying to convince myself to get back up.

Then I did.

I Did Some Big Things Today

Today, I uploaded and published two of my journals.

Two.

I am waiting on Amazon to approve them.

Once they do, that will make three journals going live.

And I am already working on another one.

I have plans for the rest of the week.

Plans for the weekend.

And somehow, things are actually moving.

I am doing well.

So What Do I Do With That?

That is the strange part.

What do I do when things are going well?

Do I embrace it?

Do I immediately start planning for everything that could go wrong?

Do I do a little of both?

Because apparently, I have spent enough time expecting chaos that peace sometimes feels suspicious.

Something Shifted Last Weekend

Last weekend, I sat down.

I did the budget.

I did the planning.

I started putting some things into place.

And this week?

It has actually worked.

My kid is on board.

We talked about ways he can help around the house.

I asked him for one thing.

And his response was basically:

I can do that.

And this.

And this.

And this too.

And I thought:

Well.

That is amazing.

Thank you.

My Husband Is Adjusting Too

My husband is changing his schedule.

He is trying to make it work better for what our family needs.

And it is kind of amazing what happens when you not only make plans to improve your life, but actually follow through on those plans.

That second part?

That is usually where I struggle.

Planning is easy for me.

I can make a plan for anything.

Following it?

Different story.

I Love to Tweak Things Forever

You guys already know this.

I have been talking about getting this journal listed for weeks.

It has been:

I am changing this.

Tweaking that.

Moving this.

Fixing that.

Maybe this needs to be different.

Maybe that needs to be different.

And today, I finally finished two more covers and listed them.

Because I am a girl who loves options.

One journal cover?

Absolutely not.

Why would I do that when I could have four?

I Am Actually Excited Now

Originally, I was just nervous.

What if nobody likes it?

What if nobody wants it?

What if I put all this work into something and nobody cares?

And all of those things are still possible.

But this time feels different.

Because this time I have a goal.

I want something different.

And I have spent years telling my kids:

If you want something different, you have to do something different.

Saying It Is Easier Than Doing It

That sounds so simple.

If you want something different, do something different.

Sure.

Easy.

Except it is not easy at all.

Doing something differently means you have to stop doing what feels familiar.

Even when familiar is not working.

So instead of making sure every little thing was perfect, today I said:

I would rather have it done.

Then I listed it.

Even Dinner Was Different

We were supposed to have some kind of pork tonight.

Pork roast.

Pork chops.

Something.

I am not a huge fan.

So I decided:

Nope.

We skipped chicken day.

We are having chicken tonight.

And I was actually excited to get into the kitchen and cook.

I made dinner.

Then all of us sat down and ate together.

That felt good.

We Are Finding a Groove

Slowly.

Very slowly.

But it feels like we are getting into some kind of rhythm.

I know it is not going to be perfect.

Tomorrow is a big day.

My kid starts school.

He is dreading it.

And honestly?

I cannot blame him.

It is high school.

Junior year.

A brand-new school.

That is a lot.

I have been there.

I hated it.

Tomorrow Is Going to Be Hard

There is anticipation.

What is going to happen?

How is it going to go?

Will he like anyone?

Will anyone bother him?

Will the day be awful?

Will it surprise us?

But I have noticed something.

The mindset I bring into those questions has changed.

When I Started Dear Journal, I Was a Hot Mess

When I started Dear Journal back in June, I felt like a hot mess.

Honestly, I still feel like a hot mess plenty of days.

But back then, I was emotionally all over the place.

I had so many questions.

Questions about myself.

Questions about why I felt the way I did.

Questions about where I was going.

And I did not know where to begin.

I Wanted to Understand Me

That was really the point.

I wanted to learn more about myself.

And somewhere along the way, I think I actually have.

I have processed how I got here.

I have processed where I want to go.

I have started thinking about how I am going to get there.

That matters.

Wanting Something Is Not Enough

I want a lot of big things.

Really big things.

But sitting around waiting for them to happen is not going to make them happen.

At some point, I have to move.

Today?

I moved.

I made moves.

And it felt good.

Really good.

Tomorrow I Will Make Another Move

Tomorrow, I am getting up earlier than I normally do.

I am stopping for coffee with my kid.

Then I am taking him to school.

And somewhere between the coffee and dropping him off, I am going to try to build a bridge that says:

We can get through this day together.

Because that is all we can do.

Try.

Even when it sucks.

And some days?

It absolutely sucks.

I Need My Own Shit Together Too

If I am going to help my kid through his day, I have to be in a decent place myself.

I cannot tell him:

You can do this.

You have to show up.

You have to try.

While I am completely falling apart and refusing to show up for myself.

I kind of need to have my own shit together too.

Not perfectly.

Just enough.

If You Do It, I Will Do It

I was talking with my college-age child about school too.

She is nervous.

Excited.

A little of both.

My sixteen-year-old is nervous and excited too.

So I said:

If you do it, I will do it.

They both looked at me like:

Really?

You would go back to school?

And I said yes.

We Can All Have Homework

If you guys can make it through the school year, I can too.

We can all have homework.

We can all study.

Ish.

I do not know how much studying I am going to do.

But that is beside the point.

We can all show up.

Do the work.

Complain about assignments.

Get through the semester.

Together.

Supporting My Kids Means Showing Them

I am a huge believer in supporting my kids.

But sometimes support means more than saying:

You can do it.

Sometimes it means showing them:

I am willing to do hard things too.

I am not asking you to walk somewhere I refuse to go.

If you are showing up?

I can show up too.

That Makes Me Feel Emotionally Stable

That feels different to me.

I am not saying:

Do this because I told you to.

Do this because you are supposed to.

Instead, I am saying:

I see that this is hard for you.

I understand that struggle.

Let us figure out how to do it together.

That feels like growth.

A lot of growth.

I Can See Their Pain Without Losing Myself in Mine

That is what emotional stability feels like to me right now.

I can acknowledge:

I am hurting.

I have struggles.

I have things I am trying to work through.

But I can also look beside me and say:

You are hurting too.

You are struggling too.

How can we make this easier together?

Instead of everything being:

Me.

Me.

Me.

Me.

Me.

And I cannot do anything about any of it.

I Am Enjoying the Positive Side of My Life

It feels good to put myself out there.

It feels good to experience something positive.

I am enjoying being a mom.

I am enjoying being a wife.

And it has been a very long time since I could say I was enjoying being a wife.

But I can feel a little bit of that coming back.

I am enjoying being a friend.

But more than anything?

I think I am learning to enjoy being me.

I Still Cannot Do Everything I Want

I would love to lie down somewhere with a book.

An actual book.

Turn the pages.

Read for hours.

I am not there right now.

I do not have the time.

But I shifted.

Instead of saying:

Well, I guess I cannot read.

I started listening to audiobooks on my drive to work.

I Never Thought I Would Like Audiobooks

If you had asked me before whether I would listen to audiobooks, I probably would have said no.

I love the feel of a book.

And I mean a real book.

Not a tablet.

Not a Kindle.

A book.

Pages.

Paper.

Something I can hold.

But if I want to read and do not have time to physically sit and read?

I can listen.

It does not have to look exactly how I imagined.

It just has to work.

I Am Learning to Adjust

That is another thing I am starting to recognize.

Sometimes the problem is not that I cannot do something.

The problem is that I decided there was only one acceptable way to do it.

And if that way does not fit my life?

Then I tell myself I cannot do it.

But maybe I can.

Just differently.

I Want to Write a Book

I have started writing an actual book.

Not a journal.

Not a self-help thing.

An actual book.

And I am excited about it.

I cannot wait to tell you guys more.

I think it is interesting.

Hopefully, you will too.

But there is a problem.

I Do Not Want to Sit at a Computer and Type All Day

I like technology.

Actually, I love technology.

If you walked through my house, you would notice that pretty quickly.

That is me.

Not my husband.

He could not care less about most of it.

But despite how much I like technology, sitting at a desk typing for hours?

No.

Thank you.

Give me a pen.

Give me paper.

I will write all day.

Ask me to type it?

Suddenly, I am bored.

So Why Am I Forcing Myself to Write That Way?

I have been trying to figure out how to keep writing the book while still being me.

Because that matters.

I am happiest when I am taking care of my own needs.

And then yesterday it occurred to me:

We have all these apps.

All this technology.

Why am I acting like typing is my only option?

I Can Dictate My Book

I could literally talk it out.

I could dictate the book.

I could walk on my treadmill and dictate.

I could go outside and walk.

Exercise.

Move.

And still write.

There are so many things I have convinced myself I cannot do.

When really?

I just cannot do them inside the tiny box I built around how I think they are supposed to look.

Maybe the Bottle Is Not Empty

Instead of staring at the bottle and saying:

Oh my gosh.

It is empty.

I do not know what to do.

Maybe I ask:

How else can I fill it?

There might be another way.

Probably several other ways.

I just have to be willing to see them.

Today We Bought a Phone and Found My Pen Loophole

My kid needed a new phone today.

So we bought one.

Went to pick it up.

Got coffee.

Walked around Walmart.

Made jokes.

Had fun.

And I bought pencils.

Because I am not supposed to be buying pens.

Pencils are clearly different.

That is my loophole.

I stand by it.

I Did Not Finish Everything Today

Did I get everything done that I planned to do?

No.

Normally, this is the part where I start beating myself up.

You had all day.

You should have accomplished more.

You could have done this.

You should have finished that.

But today?

I did what I could.

Actually.

I did what I could.

I Was Not Sitting Around Doing Nothing

I worked.

I handled what needed to be handled.

I spent time with my kid.

I got things published.

I cooked.

I planned.

I made decisions.

Whatever I could accomplish today, I accomplished.

That is enough.

I Could Stay Up and Keep Working

I do not technically have to go to bed soon.

I could stay up.

Keep working.

Push through another project.

Do another cover.

Finish another thing.

On almost any other night, I probably would.

But not tonight.

Tonight I Am Taking Care of Me

I am going to finish my podcast.

I am going to check one thing to see whether I can get my last journal uploaded.

And then?

I am going to bed.

I am going to lie down.

Watch a movie.

Relax.

And go to sleep.

I am taking care of myself.

I Have Spent My Life Taking Care of Everybody Else

Everybody.

Except me.

And now that I have gotten a taste of what it feels like to actually take care of myself?

I do not want to stop.

I like this.

I like recognizing that I matter too.

I Can Fill Other Cups Better When Mine Is Not Broken

I have spent a lot of time pouring into other people.

My kids.

My family.

My friends.

People I work with.

People I care about.

But it is a lot easier to pour into someone else when your own cup is not cracked into pieces.

So I am taking care of my cup.

I am taking care of me.

Sometimes Emotional Stability Looks Like a Boundary

Sometimes it looks like saying:

That does not work for me.

Or:

I can do that, but only within this boundary.

That is different for me.

It is recognizing that I have needs too.

And sometimes those needs have to come first so I can actually help the people I love.

Put Your Own Mask on First

If you have ever flown on an airplane, you know the announcement.

If there is an emergency, put your own mask on before you help someone else.

Mental health works the same way.

I cannot help you if I cannot help myself.

I cannot pour into everyone around me while pretending I am fine when I am completely empty.

I need air too.

I Should Take My Own Advice

It does not make sense for me to tell my kids things I would never do myself.

Go to school.

Show up.

Work hard.

Keep trying.

Okay.

Then I can go to school.

I can show up.

I can work hard.

I can demonstrate what that looks like.

I can cheer them on while I learn how to cheer myself on too.

Because I need that.

Because I deserve that.

Because I want that.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was showing up for myself.

It was saying:

These are the things I would like to get done.

Let us see what happens.

Not:

Everything on this list has to happen or today was a failure.

It was asking:

I need this done in this particular way.

But does it actually have to happen that way?

Is there another option?

Can I make this work differently?

I can listen to a book instead of sitting down to read it.

I can dictate my book instead of forcing myself to sit at a computer and type.

I can change dinner because the original plan does not sound good.

I can finish what I can and leave the rest for tomorrow.

I can go to bed.

I can take care of myself.

That was my bite of pie.

Recognizing that there are a lot of things I can accomplish when I am willing to think outside the box I built around myself.

I am nowhere near solving my mental health.

Not even close.

But I love the direction I am going.

I love the start I am making.

I love that I am putting one foot forward.

Then another.

And I am going to keep doing that.

Because that is what I can do.

And maybe, as I continue taking care of myself, I become more emotionally stable.

More capable of helping the people I want to help.

Not because I sacrificed myself for them.

Because I finally chose to help myself first.

So maybe you are listening and thinking:

I deserve to take care of me too.

Maybe you are hurting.

Sad.

Angry.

Overwhelmed.

There may be very real reasons for all of those feelings.

But maybe the answer begins with:

Let me take care of me.

Let me work on this because I deserve to feel better.

Not for someone else.

Not so I am easier to live with.

Not so I can perform better for everybody around me.

For me.

Because I deserve to smile more than I cry.

And I hope you can do that.

And if you cannot yet?

You are still in the right place.

We will talk about it.

We will work through it.

One bite at a time.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.