Dear Overly Prepared Me: When Planning for Everything Means Trusting No One

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Have you ever made a backup plan for your backup plan?

You prepare for the worst because you expect the worst.

I do it constantly.

That is what I tell myself.

If I plan for it, then I cannot be surprised by it.

And honestly?

I am not completely wrong.

A good plan can make things easier.

But when does planning become too much?

Today Was Just a List

Today, I was going through everything I needed to do.

Work.

Dinner.

Taking my kid to a meeting with the school.

Just all the things running through my head.

Nothing significant.

Nothing overwhelmingly difficult.

Just a list.

But apparently, even a normal list is enough for my brain to start planning for every possible outcome.

I Almost Skipped Lunch to Stay on Schedule

This morning, I got up.

Got ready for work.

Went to work.

Had a great day.

Then I realized I was really hungry.

But instead of simply stopping to get food, my brain immediately started calculating.

If I stop to get lunch, will I make my kid late?

Will we get home in time?

Will everything still work?

And eventually I had to tell myself:

You need to eat.

So I stopped.

I got lunch.

I got home on time.

My kid made it to his meeting.

Nobody was late.

The world continued spinning.

Sometimes Taking Care of Myself Has to Be Part of the Plan

After the meeting, we came home.

I took care of the dogs.

Fed them.

Walked them.

And then I was tired.

Really tired.

So I decided I needed a nap.

And I took one.

That may not sound important.

But for someone who can make a schedule for absolutely everything, choosing to stop because my body was tired mattered.

I did not need to prepare for what would happen if I rested.

I just rested.

Then Came Dinner

When I woke up, I made a few calls I needed to make.

My husband came in and asked if I was hungry.

I told him what the plan was for dinner.

Tonight was fish night.

I decided on salmon.

And obviously, salmon needs a side.

So I thought:

Potatoes.

I asked him to check whether we had good potatoes.

He did.

We did.

Great.

Apparently, “Check the Potatoes” Does Not Mean “Make the Potatoes”

I jumped in the shower.

Took a quick shower.

Got back out.

Then I asked:

Can you prep them for baking?

Because I already knew asking him if we had potatoes was not automatically going to translate into:

Please cook the potatoes.

I finished getting dressed.

Came out of the bedroom.

And he had a timer set.

When he heard me coming, he canceled it and walked into the kitchen.

I asked:

Did you not get my text?

He said:

No, I got it.

I was just getting around to it.

Okay.

I Thought the Rest Was Implied

He started preparing the potatoes.

Then he came back and asked:

Do you want me to bake them too?

Yes.

I thought that part was implied.

Apparently, it was not.

And that small interaction is actually a perfect example of how my brain works.

I am constantly planning three steps ahead.

So sometimes I assume everyone else is standing on step three with me.

They are not.

I Was Annoyed, So I Said It

Later, I sat down in the living room with him.

We talked about everything happening with school.

Work.

Schedules.

The week.

Just everything.

And I realized I was annoyed.

Not furious.

Not ready to argue.

Just annoyed.

And I did not really know how to present it.

So I just said it.

We Need a Better Schedule

I told him:

We need to figure out your schedule.

Because I am doing a lot.

And I need to know when you are actually available to help.

So we talked.

Right now, he starts playing poker around six in the evening and finishes around seven in the morning.

Then he sleeps during the day.

That works while my kid is at school and I am at work.

But it creates another problem.

When Do We See You?

When we get home from school and work, he is getting up.

Then getting ready to leave.

So there is not much time for us to actually be together as a family.

That mattered to me.

So we talked about it.

How do we make this work?

He said he had been thinking about starting later.

Maybe around eight.

Then playing until we leave in the morning.

Then going to sleep.

Okay.

That could work.

Then I Realized What I Was Doing Again

Part of why the schedule conversation even happened was because I had made an appointment for our child the next day.

And my first thought was:

I should probably handle it.

I should miss work.

I should take him.

Even though my husband would be home.

There are two parents in this household.

And somehow, my automatic response was:

I will figure it out.

Why Am I Preparing Like I Am the Only Adult Here?

That thought annoyed me.

Because there are two adults.

There are two parents.

And yet my instinct is to prepare as though everything depends entirely on me.

As though if I do not handle it, it will not get handled.

And that made me wonder:

How often do I set myself up for this?

Planning Is Not the Problem

There is nothing wrong with planning.

There is nothing wrong with saying:

Here is Plan A.

And if Plan A fails, here is Plan B.

That is normal.

Helpful, even.

But I also do not get to complain that I am overwhelmed and unsupported if I keep creating plans that require nobody except me.

That part is uncomfortable.

I Immediately Tried to Call Off Work

I told my husband about the appointment.

His response was basically:

So I need to take you to work?

We are sharing a car right now.

And I said:

No.

It is okay.

I will just call in.

I will figure it out.

Immediately.

No pause.

No conversation.

No room for another solution.

I had already decided I would take the hit.

I Wanted Him to Stop Me

And then I realized something else.

Part of me wanted him to say:

No.

You are going to work.

We will figure this out.

I needed him to push back.

To tell me I did not have to automatically sacrifice my schedule.

But instead, because I said I would handle it, the response was basically:

Okay.

And then I was annoyed.

That is complicated.

I Make It Hard for People to Help Me

I do this constantly.

I make it nearly impossible to depend on anyone.

Because I do not want them to disappoint me.

And honestly?

That makes sense.

It is self-protection.

If I do not give you the chance to let me down, then you cannot let me down.

Except then I get upset that I am doing everything.

Because nobody is helping.

Even though I did not really give anybody space to help.

I Will Not Let You In, but I Expect You to Get In

That is the weird twist.

I will not let you in.

But I expect you to get in.

Somehow.

Figure it out.

Push through the wall I built.

Read my mind.

Know when I actually want help versus when I have already decided I am doing everything myself.

That does not sound very realistic.

Dear Prepared Me Became Dear Overly Prepared Me

When I first sat down to journal tonight, I wrote:

Dear Prepared Me.

Because I thought I was simply being prepared.

Then I started doing my usual podcast setup.

I opened this app.

That app.

This program.

That program.

Stuff I absolutely did not need open yet.

But what if I need it?

What if something happens?

What if I randomly need to type something somewhere I will definitely not need while recording?

Better open it.

Just in case.

Maybe I Am Overcompensating

As I kept setting things up, it finally clicked.

Maybe this is not:

Dear Prepared Me.

Maybe this is:

Dear Overly Prepared Me.

Because there is preparation.

And then there is trying to control every possible thing before it even happens.

Those are not the same.

I Want to Shove the Whole Pie in My Mouth

It is really easy for me to try to do everything at once.

I am going to do all the things.

Get everything done.

Make everything work.

Solve every problem.

And then somehow I will be Superwoman because I handled everything.

I even talked to my kid about it at dinner.

Apparently, I Am Going to Do Everything

I told him:

I am going to get up.

Take you to school.

Go to work.

Have a great day.

Get off work.

Pick you up.

Come home.

Cook dinner.

Do the podcast.

And on.

And on.

And on.

Because apparently:

I can do it all.

Except there is one glaring issue.

This Is Not a Single-Parent Household

There are two adults here.

Two.

And yet I slowly inch my husband out of responsibilities because it feels easier to prepare to handle everything alone.

He cannot let me down if I never depend on him.

If I trust him and he does not do it?

I am upset.

If I do not trust him and handle it myself?

I am also upset.

Excellent system.

No notes.

Overpreparing Does Not Protect Me From the Consequences

That realization did not feel good.

Because apparently, no matter how prepared I am, I am still not prepared for the consequences of doing everything myself.

I am still tired.

Still frustrated.

Still overwhelmed.

Still resentful.

And then I have to admit:

Maybe I contributed to some of this.

I did not like that thought.

I Do Not Have to Take Everything On

I do not have to do everything.

If I asked my kid:

Hey, I need help with this.

He would probably help.

My husband has ADHD.

But if I gave him a clear list?

He would probably get it done.

There are people around me who can participate.

But instead of using those resources, I prepare around them.

Then My Body Eventually Says No

And eventually, no matter how perfectly I plan everything, my body will stop cooperating.

At some point, it will say:

We are done.

I cannot do another thing.

Then everything falls apart.

And when it does, I will be furious that nobody helped me.

Despite the fact that every plan I created involved only me.

That is hard to admit.

Processing a Feeling in Real Time Is Strange

It is also kind of cool.

I started the podcast with one feeling.

Prepared.

Then, while talking it through, I realized that the feeling was actually something else.

Overprepared.

Protective.

Controlling.

Scared of disappointment.

That is what journaling does for me.

I get to hear my own thoughts change while I am having them.

We Rarely Get Time to Process in the Moment

Life moves fast.

You are at work.

Someone pisses you off.

You still have to continue working.

You cannot always stop and say:

Hold on.

I need twenty minutes to fully process what just happened emotionally.

Usually, you have to keep moving.

And I was talking about that with my kid too.

Sometimes Walking Away Is the Better Choice

We talked about what happens if something happens at school.

He said:

I am going to walk out of class.

And my response was:

Do it.

I would rather he walk away and process what he is feeling than sit there getting angrier.

Sulking.

Exploding.

Making the situation worse.

Does that make me a horrible parent?

I do not think so.

People Need Room to Process

We need time sometimes.

We need space.

This expectation that everything should come naturally to us is unrealistic.

The expectation that we should instantly recover from every feeling is unrealistic too.

Sometimes you need a minute.

Sometimes you need to walk away.

Sometimes you need to say:

I am angry.

Let me figure out why.

I Can Be Resentful and Still Own My Part

It is unrealistic for me to do everything myself and then expect not to feel resentful.

I get to feel resentful.

My feelings are still real.

But I also have to take responsibility for my part.

I cannot create a system where nobody gets to help me and then pretend I had no role in creating it.

That is the part I do not like.

I Cannot Prepare My Way Out of Accountability

That is the part I cannot figure out how to prepare for.

Accountability.

Looking at myself and saying:

You did not cause everything.

But you contributed to this part.

That is uncomfortable.

There is no backup plan for it.

No list.

No contingency strategy.

You just have to admit it.

What If I Set Expectations Instead?

What if instead of preparing for people to fail me, I set expectations?

Clear ones.

For myself.

For the people around me.

What if I said:

I am counting on you to do this.

I need this from you.

And then they get to say the same thing to me.

I am counting on you too.

I need this from you.

Maybe That Is What Shared Responsibility Looks Like

That sounds much healthier than silently assuming someone will fail.

Then taking over.

Then getting angry.

We both have expectations.

We both have boundaries.

We both have responsibilities.

And we both either meet them or acknowledge when we do not.

What If Someone Consistently Cannot Meet the Standard?

Then maybe we reevaluate.

That applies to marriages.

Friendships.

Family.

Any relationship.

If I keep people in my circle who only disappoint me, I have to eventually ask why they are still in my circle.

That sounds harsh.

But is it?

We Cling to People Because We Think They Are Irreplaceable

We tell ourselves:

Nobody else will care about me like this person does.

Nobody else will love me this way.

Nobody else will understand me.

But then comes another question.

Do they actually care about you in the way you need?

Are you actually receiving what you need from the relationship?

Or are you undervaluing yourself while constantly preparing for them to disappoint you?

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was saying:

This is not working.

We need a better schedule.

We need a better system.

I am carrying too much.

And I do not want to anymore.

I had to acknowledge that I am part of that pattern.

I take things on.

I automatically assume I will handle them.

I remove the opportunity for other people to participate.

Then I feel alone.

And I do not want to live like that.

If I am going to actively do everything on my own, then I should be on my own.

I do not want to be in a relationship and feel alone.

I do not want friendships that make me feel alone.

If you are in my life, I need to be able to trust you.

Work with you.

Depend on you.

Friendships cannot be one-sided.

It cannot always be the same person calling.

The same person checking in.

The same person doing all the emotional work.

There will be days I am down and you have to carry more.

There will be days you are down and I carry more.

That is reciprocity.

And if we cannot do that?

Then we need to be honest about what the relationship actually is.

The same thing applies to family.

Someone being related to me does not automatically mean I have to accept everything from them.

My parents gave birth to me.

Okay.

That does not mean I should have to constantly prepare myself for them to hurt me.

I should not have to prepare an exit plan for every difficult interaction.

I should not have to brace for disappointment every time someone I love enters the room.

If people cannot respect my boundaries?

If they cannot participate in the relationship?

If they consistently refuse to meet the standard?

That is not me being overly prepared anymore.

That is me allowing myself to be walked on.

And I am not doing that anymore.

I know what my worth is.

I know what I am willing to tolerate.

And I know what I am no longer willing to tolerate.

At my table, you have a seat because I want you there.

And I want you there because you are active at my table.

You participate.

You contribute.

You care.

If you are not active at my table?

There is not a seat for you.

I do not have to spend my life preparing for the people I love to fail me.

There are people in my life because they matter to me.

And if they matter to me, then the relationship comes with shared responsibility.

If they refuse that responsibility?

Excuse them from the table.

We get one life.

Our mental health does not have time for constantly preparing for doomsday because nobody else is willing to show up.

We are worth more than that.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.