Dear Proud Me: When Small Wins Finally Start to Feel Like Progress

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Are there ever days in your life when you surprise yourself?

Maybe you find money in your pocket that you forgot was there.

Maybe you say no to something you did not need.

Maybe you do something small that somehow feels huge.

Today was one of those days.

Today was a really good day.

I Walked Away From the Pens

I went to work.

I had a great day with my client.

Then I went to Walmart.

And Walmart during back-to-school season is dangerous for me.

I have a bit of an obsession with pens.

We have talked about this.

So I walked down the school-supply aisle.

I saw the pens.

I looked at the pens.

I touched the pens.

And then I put them back.

And walked away.

That alone gave me a sense of pride.

I Had More Than One Win Today

I helped my client learn something.

That made me proud.

I got everything handled for my kid’s school.

I made it to back-to-school night.

I took care of what needed to be taken care of.

And then I changed my office.

That was probably the biggest one for me.

Change Is Not My Favorite Thing

I am good at a lot of things.

Change is not one of them.

I like knowing what is happening.

I like knowing when it is happening.

I like knowing everything is where it belongs.

In its place.

At its time.

Where I expect it to be.

That gives me a sense of control.

I Have Been Waiting for This Office Change

You guys already knew I was supposed to switch offices with my husband.

I had been hyping myself up for it for days.

But the change had been slow coming.

And that actually made it harder.

Because once I know something is going to change, I want to know when.

Exactly when.

Not eventually.

Not sometime soon.

When?

Today, I finally stopped waiting.

I Just Started Moving Things

I got home from work.

And I moved things.

Slowly but surely, I started setting up my new office.

That part is not necessarily difficult for me.

I am pretty good at deciding where I want things.

How I want them arranged.

Where everything should go.

But then I started looking at all of my craft supplies.

I Have Been Carrying Some Things for Years

These are things I have moved with me for years.

Things I do not use.

Things I just have.

And today I looked at some of it and thought:

I do not really want this anymore.

I think I am going to give it away.

And then I caught myself.

Because that thought did not make me sad.

It did not make me feel guilty.

I did not feel like I was losing anything.

Some Things Just Do Not Fit Me Anymore

I realized I was simply recognizing what fits the version of me I am now.

And some of those things do not.

That was it.

No dramatic moment.

No grief.

Just:

This is not me anymore.

And I think that is growth too.

Yesterday I Said I Needed to Give Myself Credit

Yesterday, I talked about being persistent about giving myself credit.

Persistently acknowledging the things I do well.

Persistently saying:

You did a good job.

And today, I actually did it.

I looked at everything I had accomplished and thought:

I am doing a really good job.

Everything Does Not Have to Be Perfect

That does not mean my life is perfect.

It does not mean everything has magically worked itself out.

It does not mean there are no problems.

But I was able to recognize that things are not nearly as bad as I once believed they were.

And that is a big deal.

I Get to Take My Kid to School

I found out that the school schedule works out perfectly.

I had been worried about transportation.

We have buses out here.

I did not know exactly how all of that was going to work.

And I was skeptical.

But it turns out my kid starts school early enough that I can drop him off and still make it to work.

So I get to take him.

Every morning.

I Get the Beginning and the End

I get a few minutes with him before we go our separate ways.

I get to be the beginning of his school day.

I can see how he is feeling.

Encourage him.

Talk to him.

Make sure he is okay before he walks inside.

And then I get to pick him up.

So I get the end of the day too.

I Get All the Tea

I get to hear how everything went.

What happened.

Who said what.

What was funny.

What was annoying.

All the school gossip.

All the tea.

And there is something about that that makes me feel the way I have always wanted to feel.

It Feels Like Being a Mom

We have talked before about my struggle with not feeling like a mom.

And there is something about taking my kid to school.

Watching him go through the school year.

Picking him up.

Listening to his stories.

Being involved in those ordinary parts of his life.

It does something for me.

Something important.

I Know High School Will Not Be Perfect

I am not pretending junior year is going to be easy.

Kids can be awful.

That is just reality.

Not every kid is kind.

Not everybody gets along.

Things will happen.

But I am excited to see what the year brings.

And more than that, I am surprised by where my life is now.

January Looked Completely Different

If you had asked me in January whether this is where I would be today, I would not have believed you.

Back in January, I was sitting at home.

Laying on my couch.

Trying, by sheer will, to survive.

I had a job.

But I worked about ten hours a week.

And the rest of the time?

I stayed on the couch.

I Slept Through Everything I Could

I slept.

A lot.

Because I was horribly depressed.

Paranoid.

Isolated.

I stopped going places.

Stopped seeing people.

Stopped interacting with friends and family.

It was bad.

And I knew it was bad.

That did not mean I knew how to fix it.

Knowing You Are Struggling Does Not Mean You Can Stop It

That is one of the hardest parts.

You can recognize:

I am in a bad place.

And still have absolutely no idea how to get out.

People will say:

Smile more.

Laugh.

Think positively.

Just be happy.

And those of us who struggle with mental health would absolutely love for it to be that simple.

I Could Not Just Decide to Be Happy

I was going through a lot at the beginning of the year.

Feeling unwanted.

Rejected.

Confused.

Hurt.

I got inside my own head.

And I let all of it tear me apart.

I wallowed in it.

Not because I wanted to.

Because that was all I knew how to do.

I Knew the Thoughts Were Bad

I knew what I was thinking was unhealthy.

I knew the feelings were heavy.

I knew they were not helping.

But I could not just shut them off.

I could not snap out of it.

And that is what depression feels like for me sometimes.

I can feel it coming.

I know it is coming.

But I do not always know how to avoid it.

Sometimes You See the Wall and Still Hit It

If you are driving and something is in the road, you can swerve.

Mental health does not always give you that option.

Sometimes you see the wall.

You know it is there.

You know you are getting closer.

You think:

I am about to hit that wall.

And then you hit it anyway.

Then You Deal With the Wreckage

Afterward, you have to deal with everything that happened because of the impact.

For some people, that looks like hiding away.

Shutting themselves in a room.

Sleeping.

Avoiding people.

Doing whatever they can to survive.

Not necessarily the healthiest things.

But sometimes the only things they can manage in the moment.

How Do You Stop Yourself From Hitting the Wall?

That is the question.

Some people medicate.

Some meditate.

Some talk to people.

Some go to therapy.

Some use coping skills.

And all of those things can help.

But even then, sometimes the wall is still there.

I Know the Coping Skills

In therapy, they talk about coping skills.

Use your skills.

Deep breathing.

Five-four-three-two-one.

Box breathing.

And I am actually a fan of those.

I know how to use them.

But even knowing them does not mean I always stop the crash.

Sometimes I see the wall.

And I still hit it.

Your Body Prepares for Impact

Think about what your body does when it thinks something bad is coming.

You tense.

Freeze.

Brace yourself.

Prepare for impact.

Mental health can do the same thing.

You would love to breathe through it.

Relax.

Make it easier.

But sometimes your body is already in protection mode.

Coming Back Was a Fight

Getting out of that place was hard.

I wish I could say that every day I woke up and told myself:

Get better.

And then I got better.

That is not what happened.

I had to keep showing up.

Keep talking to the people I needed to talk to.

Keep fighting the battles I was having.

Because that is what it felt like.

A fight.

From the Outside, It Can Look Easy

To somebody else, your struggle may not look like a big deal.

They might think:

Just get over it.

It is not that serious.

And for them?

Maybe it would not be.

But they are not living inside it.

When you are living inside it, you are drowning.

I Felt Like I Was Drowning While People Added More Weight

The best way I can describe it is being in the deep end of a pool.

Holding baggage.

Heavy baggage.

And I can feel myself sinking.

The water keeps climbing.

And then people are standing outside the pool saying:

Hey.

Can you hold this too?

And handing me more.

As if they cannot see I am already drowning.

I Do Not Think People Always Mean to Add to It

I do not think everybody recognizes what they are doing.

I do not think they always mean harm.

But that does not change what is happening.

You are still underwater.

Still carrying the weight.

Still trying to reach the surface.

And eventually, you have to fight your way out.

Mental Health Can Be Day by Day

We do not live in a perfect world.

Things are hard.

Scary.

Big.

And sometimes all you can do is take it day by day.

That is what I started doing.

One day at a time.

One little thing.

Maybe Today We Get to the Couch

Maybe today we do not stay in bed.

Maybe we make it to the couch.

Maybe today we shower.

Maybe today we eat something.

Maybe today we deviate from the plan that feels safest.

Nothing huge.

Just something different.

Something slightly forward.

I Kept Going

I kept trying.

I kept talking to my therapists.

My psychiatrists.

I took the medication.

And yes.

Those things helped.

Truly.

But it was not until I started doing something for myself that something really shifted.

I Had to Want Something for Me

We do things because people tell us to.

Take this medication.

Use this skill.

Try this.

Do that.

And I am not saying those things do not work.

They can.

But for me, something was still missing.

I needed to decide:

This is what I want.

And I am going to go after it.

That Mindset Is Hard When You Have No Willpower

How do you tell yourself to go for something when you have no energy?

No encouragement.

No motivation.

No belief that it will matter?

It is hard.

Really hard.

And I do not think people with mental health struggles get enough credit for the hard things they do.

We Are Not Asking for a Parade

Nobody is asking for a parade.

Or a trophy.

Or constant praise.

Sometimes we just want someone to recognize:

I got up today.

I made the effort.

I did the thing I did not want to do.

That matters.

Neither of Us Wanted to Go to Back-to-School Night

Tonight, my kid and I got dressed and went to back-to-school night.

Did either of us want to go?

No.

Absolutely not.

We knew we needed to.

So we did.

And even though the event itself was not fun, I think we both enjoyed being together.

We Speak the Same Language Without Talking

We are very much alike.

Things happen.

We look at each other.

And we instantly know what the other one is thinking.

Then we laugh.

Because we both know.

That happened tonight.

The Girl Who Stepped in Front of Us

A young lady stepped in front of us.

We had no idea what she was doing.

I do not think she meant anything by it.

She faltered.

Looked at us.

Said:

I am sorry.

Then walked away.

And my kid and I looked at each other with the exact same expression.

What the fuck?

Then we laughed.

And that was it.

Sometimes Progress Is Just Having a Reason to Laugh

Nothing huge happened.

Nothing life-changing.

We simply had a reason to laugh together.

And honestly, I think that is how pulling yourself back up works sometimes.

It is not always some giant event.

Sometimes one day something is funny again.

One day you accomplish something.

One day you notice:

That did not hurt as much as it used to.

And then you build from there.

Today I Was Proud of Myself

Today I did big things.

I switched my office.

I cleaned out things I did not think I would ever let go of.

Yesterday, I put my journal on Amazon.

I have done big things this week.

And it is only Tuesday.

That feels good.

That Does Not Mean the Rest of the Week Will Be Perfect

Do I think the entire week will suddenly go perfectly?

Absolutely not.

My brain naturally expects bad things to happen.

That is just where it goes.

So when things do not go badly?

It feels like a pleasant surprise.

Today, Things Worked

Today was one of those days when things simply worked.

Better than I expected.

And I liked that.

But even more important?

I realized those were things I made happen.

I did what I needed to do to get where I wanted to go.

And it worked.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was being proud of myself.

Yesterday, I said I wanted to become persistent about giving myself credit.

Persistent about acknowledging what I do well.

And today, I followed through.

Yesterday’s bite of pie became today’s goal.

And I think maybe that is how I want my days to work.

I recognize something I struggled with.

I acknowledge the feeling.

And then I ask:

What can I do tomorrow that is one step better?

Not perfect.

Better.

I remember at my last job, my girls had to fill out daily goal sheets.

Every morning, they chose a goal.

What they wanted to accomplish.

How they wanted to behave.

What they wanted the day to look like.

And honestly?

Sometimes it sounded simple.

Even stupid.

Stay out of fights.

Obviously, right?

But it was not only about staying out of fights.

It was about learning how.

Walking away.

Recognizing when something is not worth it.

Calming yourself down.

Self-regulating.

And then learning what helps you regulate.

For me, that can be music.

Dancing.

Singing.

Being creative.

So maybe my goal every day can be simple too.

Do a little better than yesterday.

One step.

That is it.

Not Mount Everest.

Not some impossible standard.

Just one step forward that I did not take yesterday.

Today, that step was being proud.

Acknowledging:

I can do hard things.

I can do good things.

I moved into an office with a purple wall.

My husband’s favorite color.

I gave away things I never thought I would let go of.

I had one really good day where I could look around and say:

I did that.

And if I can do that, maybe you can too.

And when you do?

I will cheer for you.

Or, in the words of my client:

Yay!

You did it!

I will absolutely “yay, you did it” all the way through.

Because you are doing it.

You are showing up.

And I know that is not always easy.

I have been there.

I am still there.

There are days I want to stay in bed.

There are days I am completely done.

That happens.

It is not about being perfect.

It is about showing up the best way you know how.

So I will show up for you.

You show up for me.

And we will keep growing.

One step at a time.

One bite at a time.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.